What next?

[FishnetFootball]

So, I'm quite confident that something similar will have come up in the past, so I apologise in advance.

I'm a newbie here, but have been watching from afar for many years. I'm a married and very closeted CD who is, to the outside world, very masculine. I play football, go to the rugby and every weekend go out with "the lads".

No one has known about me being a CD, but sadly my wife (of less than a year) has found out and it's all come to blows. She's thrown me out and hates it, but she says she only hates it as a wife and she will keep my secret and be a friend to me still. My worry is that now I'm I'm a situation I've never been in where I live alone and can dress. I've only ever been able to do it sporadically in life before now. That has suited me. My life isn't something that wants a 7 night feminine side. But now I'm alone I feel like I want to dress more and more, and I am starting to have an urge to go out (if I could find similar situation friends).

Has anyone else had this situation? What did you do? I know we are all CDs, but I'm not sure I want the freedom of doing it constantly, it kind of worries me.

[Micki_Finn]

So you don't want to want to dress more(Not a typo)? Sounds like a vicious cycle of self loathing. I would guess it's time to take a step back and figure out why you feel the need to suppress your desires.

[Diane Taylor]

Having the freedom to dress as often as you'd like is a situation most can only dream of. What about it worries you?

[Lana Mae]

You need to find out what is worrying you about having this freedom! Time to get dressed, go out, and have retail therapy! Make friends on this site and read the many threads! You may even find that you do not want to dress every night and that is OK! This is your journey and you are in charge! It is good to go with the flow but you are always in charge of where it goes! Best wishes Hugs Lana Mae

[FishnetFootball]

Sorry, I know what you mean about the freedom. I have spent my life doing it every so often though and never been alone with an opportunity to do it every night. I've been happy with that life though, and I would go back to it if my wife would take me back. It's just that I don't know whether to continue as is or for the first time in my life embrace me being a CD and see what happens. I have always wondered what it would be like to have CD friends and go out together, but my main life has kept that in. I am still curious (not that I'd know where to begin), but I also do really love my non-CD life, it's really good.

[Devi SM]

The grade of unsatisfactory lives of human beings is overwhelming.
As someone said, you're living a dream for a lot of us but you're worried about to your desire to dress more?
Maybe you fear to realize that you like more to be a woman, or you feel more comfortable as a woman and you're afraid that it could grow and take control of the guy and ends as a woman. If that could be the case, how could you quench who you really are?
My north now is to do all that makes me happy, doesn't hurt others so don't end my life with regrets of the no done things, so enjoy! Your freedom!

[Nikki A.]

I do have the freedom to do what I want (to a point) and I feel your pain, there are times where I also wonder where all this is leading to. Take some time, relax and do what feels right for you.

[Aunt Kelly]

Nikki's advice is good. Take your time. Relax and do what feels right. You don't say how extensive your dressing has been, but if you want to go out this may be a good time to work on your presentation. If there's a support group nearby, join. Enjoy the journey to finding out just who you are.

Hugs,

Kelly Marie

[sometimes_miss]

The grade of unsatisfactory lives of human beings is overwhelming.
Somebody once said, 'people are usually as happy as they want to be'. While we all have our ups and downs, there are some who are cheerful most of the time who have nothing special to be happy about, and others who appear to have it all, who are miserable.

As far as suddenly being able to dress up feminine all the time now, and then worrying about wanting to do it a lot, there really is no reason to worry. Nearly all of us grew up being told that to be feminine in any way was the absolutely, positively worst thing a boy could possibly be. Murderer, assassin, thief, philanderer, con man, wife beater, liar, women will accept all those things in her mate before she'll accept any type of gender bending. So we feel a tremendous amount of guilt for not being man enough to use self control to NOT be who we really are. Over a lifetime, the frustration often increases like the magma vault inside Krakatoa, just waiting for a chance to explode. And that's what happens to some of us when given the freedom to dress up whenever we want.

And it feels so good, we don't want to stop. Post divorce, I indulged myself and wore girl clothes whenever I was home by myself. And found a calm that I had never had before. All the stress of holding back the desire, was gone. So for me, that was a good thing. I stay dressed as a girl pretty much all the time except when I have to go out in public. It's sometimes depressing when I have to wear my 'man uniform' to get chores done that I wish to do while dressed as a guy, but just knowing that it's only for a while, makes it much easier to take.

The urge to dress up was most likely always there; you just repressed it in order to keep your life as normal as possible.

The downside, is that there simply aren't enough women out there that can accept crossdressing as simply an occasional thing that we like or need to do. They use it as the primary descriptor to assign who and what we are. And they don't like it, they don't like it one single bit. There are arguably about three million guys in the U.S. alone who crossdress regularly. And even on this board, the number of us who have mates who accept and gladly participate in our behavior are few and far between. They can accept and deal with anything; except crossdressing. Like your wife, most women want nothing to do with it. So the downside is, you're going to be spending a lot of time alone (unless you like men, in which case your odds are much better, as horny men will ignore pretty much everything else in their pursuit of their goal).

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm not sure I want the freedom of doing it constantly, it kind of worries me.

It's likely that the recent freedom is intoxicating, it's gone to your head, resulting in what we call pink fog. This phase will pass, sooner or later, and you'll come back to a base line, an average, though that can differ for each person. You may also find the urge to CD comes in waves, phases.

Naturally people who are used to those waves stop worrying about their ebb and flow, but if you're feeling really overwhelmed, you might like to think about seeing a counsellor or therapist trained in gender issues. Even one or two sessions would likely reassure you that you are not rushing towards a cliff edge, just dealing with expressing long repressed feelings.

You're ok.

FWIW if you feel like going out, it might be advisable to do it far from your home town for the first few times, which should remove most of the worry about being recognized.

[Tracii G]

Why does it worry you?
You sound like you have always been in a relationship and now that you are single you don't know how to handle it.
The desire to go out dressed is common and there is nothing wrong with that desire. Try it and see if its something you like to do.
If you don't like it then don't do it there are no rules in this game.
Afraid of dressing more? For some reason that doesn't sound like a problem to me.

[Maria 60]

That's a tough one, my only experience to something like that is if you followed my last threads I complain about not getting enough time because my kids are home bodies. Then the kids won't be around for a few days and once I get my few hours for my dressing the next day I'm asking where the kids are. It seems like we don't want it all, we are just asking for a little. And Im surprised your wife wasn't OK with it, knowing it wasn't something you wanted to approach full time. Women are really strange

[kimdl93]

Who knows what's next. Here's what I do know. Your wife had a sudden surprise/shock and reacted by as you say "throwing you out". You haven't been married long, but I presume there was some mutual attraction and, but for this finding, you might still be living together.

So the question isn't so much what to do with all this "freedom", but rather, what do you want to do about your marriage?
My guess is that she's asking the same questions. There may be room for reconciliation if both of you want. Give it some time, stay in touch as best you can, be courteous and ask yourself and her what might be done differently.

[Jenny22]

We only know your age and that you are married. How long married? Any children? Can you share how she found out?
You mention rugby. Are you in the UK?
When she said,"she will keep my secret and be a friend to me still" .. had she threatened divorce?

With more info, you may get some pertinent advice from those who were or are in your shoes.

[Helen_Highwater]

So; I'm a married and very closeted CD who is, to the outside world, very masculine. I play football, go to the rugby and every weekend go out with "the lads".

I'll let you into a secret, you're not the only one in that sort of situation.

Having the opportunity to dress as and when you like will at first be very enticing. My feeling is it will quite quickly settle into a balanced routine. There is of course the opportunity to sleep enfemme every night. Finding somewhere to go and meet up with fellow cd'ers will without doubt add a whole new facet to your dressing and as anyone who does it will tell you is something you do look forward to.

As for your marriage, the fact your SO didn't fully throw her toys from the pram and out you to all and still wants to remain friends does suggest that all may not be lost. The shock of discovery will have been immense and now with time passing it may be possible to enter into dialogue and find out what it is about your dressing she seems to dislike so much. After all, while she now knows about your little secret you are still the same person she married. It's not like you started to dress post vows.

[Dana44]

I played all hat stuff when I was younger. But I am now embracing my feminine side and enjoying it. My SO logged herself into the hospital a couple weeks ago. So I sleep in nighties until I had to pick her up. Went to a movies as my girl self on a Sunday as I was a bit stressed from that. So as you will get older it will hit you even more.

[Samantha uk]

Sounds like you're scared to open pandoras box. I do kind of know what you mean though, I have self regulate a bit because the feelings can get very intense and it can start to get in the way of normal life and for me thats not a healthy way to carry on

[Alice Torn]

Some of us single men, walk a lonesome road, especially if we have a strong urge to dress in womens stuff. I am 63, still single and alone. i have wanted to marry, but so far high and dry, and no dating life. i have told some women but they, like your wife, will not have me, as a dresser. I also like manly stuff, like sports, fishing, and working on my vehicles. At least, you can still see her as a friend, and your masculine guy self. I believe people can adapt to many things, and even quit, or greatly limit dressing, but the urge may never completely go away. Being busy with other things helps. I am 98% closeted, too, as i am six foot five, and a half, huge hands, huge feet, big chin, and brow, male voice, and fool very few , unless from some distance. I think part of my dressing is never having a wife, or SO, or female beauty in my life, except i had a lady friend many years ago, but no sex. i am a virgin yet!!! You can always come onto this site, to vent, and learn, and have support. For some of us, this is the only safe place!! I live alone, and am retired, and can dress everyday, but i don't. I dress about once a week. When i lived with other housemates, it was far more exciting to find alone time to dress a lot. Now, not quite so exciting, but still is some. It is possible, that in time, your friend wife, will be willing to compromise, and take you back. It may or may not happen.

- - - Updated - - -

Sometimes, Miss, You, are sadly right. It has been far far, FAR, easier for me, dressed as a woman, to find a "date" with a man, than it is for me, as my guy self, to find a date with a woman, even when not telling them i dress up!! Odds of finding a nice lady, who will willing date or marry a crossdresser, are less that the odds of winning the lottery power ball. If your wife is still your friend, even, consider yourself fairly fortunate.

[Lindajane]

Fishnetfootball,
I think that in your case having this time with yourself is a great opportunity to deal with your issues in a positive way. Take it as far as you can stand it. Explore every angle, find your comfort zone. Seek counseling if you think it would help.work things out with your wife, etc...
I have said this many times, no matter who comes and goes in your life, you have to live with yourself.
I am also a masculine guy, i admit i look at myself dressed and see a monster in a dress. It took me decades to come to terms with this. I have times when its all i want to do, and there are times when i hate it. I have made it to a place where i am ok with myself either way. It was not easy, it has been a long road. I do not envy you by any means, been there, done that.

Now, about being thrown out, I have made it clear to my wife that if anything that dramatic comes up, I will not be the one leaving. Not sorry to say that i am not one to let someone push me out, we can handle this like mature adults and agree on boundaries, perameters, or whatever. This achieves two things, standing my ground reinforces her view of my innate masculinity, second, it forces her to deal with it, me, on a more level playing field. Its difficult to recover lost ground.
This has been a part of me all my life. She has no idea how complicated it is or how much crap i have been through to get to where i am now.

My apologies, I digress, this is not about me. And I do not know the specific dynamics of your particular situation. I am just offering an outside view from a guy who shares a desire to wear ladies apparel.
All the best, Linda.

[NicoleScott]

Within a short time period I found myself single again with a new job in a new town and living alone. I had freedom to dress as much as I wanted outside of work. As it turned out, 3-4 evenings a week was all I needed. I still had other interests to enjoy: hunting and fishing, music, church, sports.....I never turned down participating in those other activities because I'd rather stay home and dress. It was a very enjoyable lifestyle but only lasted a year and a half before life had other plans.