Being Pushed into the Closet! ....Me Ranting!

[Judy-Somthing]

I feel I'm being Pushed back into the Closet!

I feel I'm a nice person, I try to treat everyone fairly and be open-minded to others.

Makes me sad.

My SO says she's excepts the LGBT community but, she feels it's messed up if a male uses makeup or dresses fem at all.

We were watching TV last night and a lesbian news woman came on dressed in a mans suite, typical man's hairstyle, and no makeup.
She said it's good to see how far women have come.

Then later on the (Bill Mather show) Eddie Izzard was on as a guest wearing a woman's suite and makeup and my SO ranted on about how messed up it was.

I should have stuck up for him but NO, I just kept my mouth shut!

[Teresa]

Judy,
I'm afraid you may stop being the nice person if you can't express yourself !

Even I sometimes feel I walk back into my house and slip the handcuffs and gag on so I can be controlled ! It gets bad when you can't even watch TV without the pangs of guilt and the one sided conversations about the appearance of people on it .

I can't say anymore than that because I've said it all before, it's totally in your hands how much you allow yourself to be controlled and criticised for something you can't change.

[Lana Mae]

Judy, I m sorry for your predicament! I have just a few words for your wife! Judge not that ye may not be judged! Simple to do but so many don't! Hugs Lana Mae

[Helen Waite]

I know the feeling well. If I so much as comment on a pretty dress I see on TV, my wife will either give me "that look" or make a negative or disparaging comment. But for some reason, to her it's okay if she blabbers about a sermon at her church, which I have told her time and again that I have no interest in hearing about it.

[CarlaWestin]

What has come about with my wife and I is that I make absolutely no comment about CD or gender. I hold the shield of DADT very firmly. The snide comments have ceased because, for awhile, every time I got a hater comment or response from her, I pointed out that DADT had been violated and there wasn't going to be a double standard. No one has the right to be cruel.

[Stephanie47]

Judy, the time bomb is ticking! Sooner or later you're going to explode. Why don't you ask her why she continues to throw barbs at everything and anything she perceives as men emulating a woman. I'm mean, even to throw a comment at you about crossing your legs. At some point in time even people on this site are going to stop being sympathetic to your plight. Even if you choose to forego any attempt to wear women's clothing you need to tell her to shut up and stop making snide remarks and insinuations about cross dressing.

PS: I just saw Carla's comment. Amen!

[kimdl93]

My guess is that if it weren't for your common interest, Eddie Izard wouldn't have been so aggravating. As it seems that she really wants to view herself as an accepting person, perhaps a little subtle logical jujitsu might be in order. So next time either of those situations occur, just agree with her emphatically, extolling the great advances being made by women, and be especially harsh, judgmental and condemning of any male presuming to present at all feminine.

[Rogina B]

You are going to blow a cork..You and others that are continually being put down by family. I guess your right to gender expression isn't that strong of a feeling for you,right now.

[Aunt Kelly]

Carla nailed it. You either have DADT or you don't. It seems pretty clear that you don't, so either insist that that change or stand up for yourself. We all know that your wife's stance is bigoted and unreasonable. IMO you should call her on it. In the long run, that will be better for both of you.

[Judy-Somthing]

Well at least I got to wear a summer dress today! On GTA 278569
I did quit the game as soon as I heard her foot steps.

Summer dress high heels and a big machine gun!

[alwayshave]

Judy, I think you are at the put up or shut up moment in your marriage. I know that is easier said than done. I was in a long term marriage where my ex was always threatening me with divorce every time I did something she did not like, not about dressing. I found out how just hollow her threats were the last time she threatened me, I walked out and never returned. She tried desperately to get me back. I was fed up and just could not return. There are down sides, but I am happy.

[Teresa]

Jamie,
it is a shame a relationship comes to that, sometimes our wives/partners appear to be on a self destruct mode, when I nearly separated I know my loss was deeply thought over, but sometimes I do feel I'm being manipulated.

[sweetdreams]

I sympathize but I can't do it.

I demand equal time. I need to be myself. I will keep the parts she doesn't like away from her but I won't be disrespected any more than I will disrespect her. It has to be a two way street.

It's a bit like if I was religious. Although I might ask the SO to come to church with me, I would respect her right to decline and not believe in the same things as me. I would however hold steadfastly to my right to my beliefs.

So it is with my crossdressing.

[Leslie Langford]

Well, Judy, since you seem to be a fan of Bill Maher's "Real Time" show, then surely you are familiar with his iconic "whiney little b*tch" characterization of Donald Trump. Sorry to say, but you are starting to come across much the same with your constant barrage of "woe is me" posts here in terms of how your wife allegedly disrespects and bullies you over your crossdressing, given her immense aversion to it.

FFS, why don't you just grow a pair and...pardon the expression..."man up", and don't let your wife walk all over you like this.

Then again, maybe you just like to play the submissive role in your marriage but are afraid to acknowledge that, preferring instead to post here and draw us into your fantasy world by playing the unwilling, hard-done-by victim.

I can't speak for the others, but you've lost me at this point...I just can't buy this "poor little me" routine anymore until you come clean and tell us exactly what hold (financial, physical, power of attorney, ability to blackmail you etc.) that your wife has over you if your perceived submissiveness is not at the root of all this.

Failing that, you are an adult and have a free will. Use it.

[Becky Blue]

Judy I really feel for you, you seem to be in a mess with your wife. I think you really need to come up with a plan as whatever the two of you are doing is not working, you know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing again and wondering why you get the same outcome. I don't know what you should be doing but you need to be doing something different.

[jessica33]

Judy , Why did you not call her out on the spot . Asked her why she thinks its ok for a lesbian to dressed as a man but not ok for a man to dressed in female clothes with makeup . It really piss me off that females can do anything with the blessing of society and white knights . Whereas , men are always walking on egg shell and get blame on anything and everything .

[rachael.davis]

Judy - are you out to your wife? It doesn't read that way in your first post.
If you are out to her you can point out that her comments are hurtful, if you're not out to her you don't have much of a kick.

[Helen_Highwater]

Judy,

We were watching TV last night and a lesbian news woman came on dressed in a mans suite, typical man's hairstyle, and no makeup.
She said it's good to see how far women have come.

Then later on the (Bill Mather show) Eddie Izzard was on as a guest wearing a woman's suite and makeup and my SO ranted on about how messed up it was.

I find the "Why" question is often the best thing. It's good for a female to appear dressed in a masculine way but bad if a man dresses in a feminine way? Why? Asking someone to justify their position often shows either that they have no real logic to their position or that they have no answer at all! I've questioning each statement made with "Why do you think that?" gets the, "Well it's obvious" to which "Why is it obvious?" just keeps leading them gently down the dead end road were the arguments simply run out of steam. It's still difficult to get the other person to admit defeat but the moral victory is yours.

[Judy-Somthing]

Thanks everyone for you input.
Yes my wife does run the show around here. I've never won an augment even times when I've been able to prove I was right.
It's always been her way or no way.

I don't know if my wife realizes it but her attitude makes people hide stuff, even my grown up children tell me things that they wouldn't tell mom.

She's alway telling everyone how to act and behave. I'm not saying things are bad.
It's just if she's mad you get misery, if she's happy you get peaches and cream. You know (happy wife , happy life).

I'm not saying Poor me, I'm just sharing my CDing stories.

Don't we all make compromises in life?
Every path in life we take has it's pros and cons, we just take the one that appears to be the best one.

I feel that if trying to get her to let me dress is going to put a damper on my marriage, then it's back in the closet for me.

I'm at a point in my life with the enjoyment of grown children, marriages, family and relatives parties, etc.

I've been it the closet for most of my CDing life, what's another 10 years.

[Stephanie47]

Thanks everyone for you input.

Don't we all make compromises in life?
I've been it the closet for most of my CDing life, what's another 10 years.

From your posts it seems your wife has made no compromises in life. Your posts seem to confirm she is a very caustic woman.

"What's another 10 years" is a very defeatist attitude. I am assuming ten years is your check out time from this early experience and you get to wear one of those long white gowns in heaven. Oh, then it will not be cross dressing since I am assuming it is a unisex gown. I would rather spend the last ten years of MY life in peace.'

One last worthless idea I have which may be something to consider around Halloween is to wear a very sexy French maid's outfit and tell her you're really submissive and want to be her ideal servant. Just a thought. I'm working on my second cup of coffee this morning. Maybe a third will awaken me from this fantasy world.

I will just fall over if you post yourself in a French maid outfit. At this point of life, if I were you, I'd be all in for annoying the crap out of her.

[Jodi]

Judy, You are well aware of what you have to do--You just need the balls to do it. If you are content to live your life as a doormat, that is up to you.

I can tell your seriously. If she were my wife, she would have been on the street years ago. Crossdressing would have had nothing to do with it.

I grew up with a mother who was the consummate power player. Everything was about her. Never again!!!

Jodi

[Jenny22]

JS, based on your profile, you're about 62 y/o. Your kids are all adults and gone. Your wife treats you badly/selfishly . You lie down and take it. You are a CDer with many years left ahead of you. You say you want to stop, but you keep posting here, photos, too, so that's not true. Leslie's comments reflect my thoughts.
I don't know your financial situation, but I'll be she controls the purse strings as she does everything else. How much longer can you take being such a lap dog to her?
Here's my suggestion, for what its worth. Plan ahead and make all necessary arrangements, including legal, and when the right time comes up, pack your suitcases and tell her that you've had enough of her controlling and negative ways and that you are leaving. She may just ask you to stay, and that you can work things out. If she doesn't, leave! Make it a legal separation or file for divorce. You should be much happier when by yourself, if all you've stated is true.

[Judy-Somthing]

Doesn't divorce sound a little extreme to spend about $80,000 and loose everything that took a life time to get just so that I can dress up once in awhile?

Happier when by myself? I think If I were by myself I would only dress once a month then what the other 30 days.

[Teresa]

Judy,
It doesn't have to mean divorce, we started to negotiate a separation for the happiness of both of us, but the happiness of others had to be considered . Yes we came to a compromise, I initially asked for every Sunday to dress as I chose, it's worked out better still because I now go out socially. To be totally truthful I never expected that to happen but my wife and family are OK with it.

You can work things out but you have to fight your corner sometimes otherwise you live someone else's life and yours becomes secondhand .

Your wife is a bully to your whole family , you're the one in the frame to have to do something about it, you can't expect your children to fight that battle , you are still the man of the house , go and prove it. What future do you have when retirement comes, CDing is for life , don't kid yourself its any different.

[Helen_Highwater]

Can I add one further thought. Often discussed here is the question of why for those of us in the closet we go out and run the risk of discovery by friends or work colleagues. Yes it's partly about risk vs reward but one big part in my decision making was that I didn't want to be on my death bed (hopefully many years down the line) lying there thinking, "I wish I'd .....".

Judy I totally get the losing all that you've worked for fear and if those things are worth more to you than the opportunity to CD then that has to be respected. From your comments it does appear that if out to your children then they may be understanding and sympathetic to your predicament. Aside from that, isn't it just time you and the kids formed an alliance and started telling mom just a few home truths. Put an end to her bullying.

[Meghan4now]

Ugh,

Judy, yes you have played the sympathy card here long. And based on older posts, if true, then you would not dress just once a month. In fact, I did the math once, and your description added up to dressing twice a week on average for over ten years.

But to my point. While I am a big proponent of trying to work it out, if your big concern is that leaving her is financially disastrous and you'll die of lonliness, I would suggest that you need to see a therapist. Not for TG, but for codependency. Quite frankly, I get the feeling that you are in one of those love hate relationships that is toxic.

It might be better to be broke and alone, then to live in constant dread. You might piss her off, you resent her domineering, nothing is ever right. Maybe you need some serious time apart. Does she appreciate anything about you. Do you appreciate anything about you? Ever hear of the Stockholm effect? Or maybe you need to stop living a fantasy, and either fish or cut bait.

Sorry to be so harsh, but you seem stuck in an endless loop. Do SOMETHING!

[Megan G]

Judy, you have the right to a life that you enjoy and makes you happy....and so does your wife. Having a husband that crossdresses may just be too much for her and those are her views and she is entitled to them. I'm not saying it's right or wrong but her choices are her choices...

Now that it is out and you know where she stands you have to make the choice of what is more important to you... your happiness or your marriage.... trying to change your spouse is wrong...

We all take this very same chance when we come out. My spouse has been extremely supportive of my transition and has been with me every step of the way but that does not mean she can live with it.....and we are separating in 6 months when I move out. I would never deny her happiness just for my selfishness to want to stay married.

Everyone deserves to be happy.....

I wish you the best.

[Eveva]

Some people like conflict for conflicts sake. As a couple have mentioned in the thread you have some tough choices that will have both short and long term consequences. The only new thing I can add to what has been said is that I have an x-wife that sounds like may share a lot of behavioral traits towards you as mine did to me. Not even on the subject of CD but just in general. I stay latched on and in that marriage for 7 years. It was very toxic. I'm in therapy nearly seven years later and still working thru some of the issues from that relationship. I can't imagine having to add the subject of cross dressing into the mix with my ex. I did not see the light and ended up alone and out on my bum with no plan or warning. Search your soul and search it hard.

[Jenny22]

Judy, a legal separation that lasts for the rest of your (her?) life is possible, without divorcing and the cost thereof. She's not happy (does she want to be?). Would either or both of you be happier, if you were apart? If that thought has ever crossed your mind, do not leave the house without getting legal advice first. Just leaving could be abandonment , and might give her the legal right to sole ownership of the house if divorce was to ensue.
Talk to an attorney soon!

[Judy-Somthing]

I never said I wanted a divorce, nor did my wife.
She just expects the CDing to stop.
Three months ago when I told her I CDs behind closed doors most of my life she said a lot of nasty things but never said anything about separating.
Other than the CDing things appear to be good.
Now a days we see some type of CDing on TV two or three times a week, and she'll make snide remarks.

And then days like Saturday morning when she was putting on makeup.

I said "what are you doing?"
She said "putting on my makeup"
I said "I no nothing about makeup"
Then she broke out in laughter.

[Eva Bella]

Just a thought from what I've observed.

For many wives, the crossdressing isn't the issue. They can deal just fine with their husband in a dress, wig, and makeup.

They hate the lying, the sneaking, the obsession, and (I believe) the subservient and childlike behavior.

Although I don't want to associate strength with "manhood," I believe that most women will have a hard time respecting a man who suppresses a crucial part of his nature and happiness just because his wife says it makes her uncomfortable. For better or for worse, women tend to admire confident partners who stand up for themselves. In this scenario it seems like you have neither her acceptance nor her respect.

[Jodi]

Doesn't divorce sound a little extreme to spend about $80,000 and loose everything that took a life time to get just so that I can dress up once in awhile?

Happier when by myself? I think If I were by myself I would only dress once a month then what the other 30 days.



Judy, That's why they make lawyers. You should be retaining one now. get yourself one who is a barracuda. Go for her throat before she can do it to you. From what you have said, she will do all in her power to pillage you. If you expect to survive, you have to take the initiative.

Crossdressing be damned. It will not be a factor on property settlement. Property settlement will depend upon how well you defend yourself.

Good luck. You have one hell of a fight ahead of you.

Jodi

[Patrica Gil]

Many people who claim to be okay with GLBT are okay as long as it is not in their house.

[Dianeh]

I feel your pain. I have the a similar problem. My SO accepts gays and trans people but as a CD she does not fully accept it. I cannot buy clothes, shoes or anything but she does on occasion give me nightgown that I can wear around the house and to bed but that is as far as it goes. To me that is NOT acceptance and she is only being fake to me and others. O well, I just sit here and accept it. Again the female RULES and can do anything they want and it is accepted.

[Invisible Emily]

It sounds like your significant other has double standards.

[Ellie Summer]

Sounds like she only supports the LGB and not the T, as is the case with a lot of people unfortunately. I don't get it. And why why why attack Eddie Izzard. He is one of the most personable celebrities in the business. He's hilarious! How can you not appreciate a guy with his wit? As far as I'm concerned he has been one of the more influential people in normalizing the T in LGBT. He even ran something like 30 marathons in 30 days for charity. The dude has a heart of gold, is incredibly intelligent, and looks great in a pair of heels. When will people get over it and appreciate people for who they are and not what they look like...

[Barbara Black]

Judy, I sympathise with the way your wife acts. I have gotten the same remarks about hiding things from her because they know the reaction that they will get, and it's just not worth it to contradict her. But I also get the 'why are people so mean to me remarks' from her, wondering why she isn't included in one thing or another, specifically, conversations, but sometimes events. But, contrarily to you, I do make comments about her double standard opinions, right up until I know that she sees my position, whether or not she agrees with it. After that point, it's back to the useless, 'bang your head against some mad buggers wall' (excerpt from Pink Floyd's, The Wall).

Stephanie: I love the French Maid outfit idea. Unfortunately I would end up doing all the house cleaning if I did that.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

You could mention that it puzzled you that she applauded the f to m, then in the same evening criticised the m to f. If she's not totally unreasonable it might just make her think.