New here - also a new 'GG'

[Littleg2]

Good morning,

Before I begin my story about my bf and I, I would like to say how awesome it is to have places like this to talk about these things openly, and how wonderfully supportive you all are of and for each other (from what I've read). I hope it's alright to ask for some of that same support... ?

I am very new to all of this, as my bf just recently told me he's a crossdresser (for 25 plus years), and it set my mind into overdrive... When he told me, he gave me as much background information as he felt he could; He told me of past abuse that led him to crossdressing; He told me of his failed marriage due to it, and how another gf tried to use it against him, in a way. All very traumatic, all very sad. I don't want to divulge too much of his personal history, as it is not my place to do so, and I want to remain respectful of that. I will say that he has been through therapy to help him deal with his past and such, though.

I suppose it may also be relevant to know that we have not been dating very long, just over a few months. I am in my late 30s', he's mid-40's. We both have children (me 2 / him 1). We have opened up to one another and expressed that we love the other and see this as being more. I think perhaps some of you may feel that because of the newness and whatnot's it may not matter, but I love this man and want to be with him, and I want to accept this part of who he is.

When he told me all of this and showed me pictures of himself dressed (somewhat provocatively) as a women, I was stunned (he's also very pretty, btw :) ). He had told me the day before that there was something important we needed to talk about, and while my mind raced with possibilities, I'll admit, this wasn't one of them. I told him how much I appreciated him being so open and honest with me, and while I was not horrified or disgusted at all, I was thinking "Okay, where do we go from here? and Can I be alright with this?", and once again, my mind started racing.


He quickly, without my even asking, let me know that he is not gay, he is not going to be transitioning into a female, as for him this is not what it's about, and some other pertinent information he thought I should know. I suppose it was the typical tempered responses to some of the common thoughts, questions and/or 'fears' that typically come from SO's. He also told me that he would gladly answer any questions I had. At the time I had a couple, but was too busy absorbing to come up with much.

After our lengthy talk, we went on about our day, but later that evening I asked him how he was and how he felt our talk went. I was honestly worried he would think I wouldn't be able to handle it, and wanted to ease his mind a bit, as well as my own. We had another heart to heart and this time he told me that he wanted to tell me now because he sees a future for us and wanted to make sure he was upfront with me about this so I could basically make up my mind now whether it was too much and I wanted to part ways or if it was something I felt I could deal with and we could make it work, which we both want. He also told me he wanted it to come from him, not to be discovered through some other means.

In the following days I wrote him a poem trying to express to him my feelings about what he'd shared and I wrote him a very lengthy email (Mammoth was my description of it) sharing my thoughts and asking all sorts of questions. I also joined this site (just now getting approved to post), have been reading a ton of other sites, blogs, forums, etc., as much information as I can... I told him I have never dealt with this on such a personal, intimate level, and asked for a little understanding in that regard. I thanked him for being so open and honest, and I asked him if it would be alright if I talked to other people about this (which he supports), and I told him I joined this particular forum. I won't go into all the details, as this is quite long enough already, but I ended it by telling him how much I loved and odored him, and thanked him once more for his honesty. He responded in kind, and did his best to answer my questions, which I appreciated.

I have since told him that I wanted to talk about it again, but I would like to do it in a way where we remove the traumatic and negative experiences he's had with it, and talk about the positive (I hope this was a good idea???). I told him I would like him to tell me what he likes about it, what he enjoys, how it makes him feel... I told him I don't just want to tolerate it, but I want to support and accept this part of him, and I mean that.

I have talked to a couple family members and one very close friend, all of whom have been wonderful (which I expected from these particular people), and while that's been helpful, I thought this was a good way to express myself too. I know there is still so much to consider and learn, and reading both sides of peoples experiences has been eye opening. I know there are women who are (or seem) alright with this one minute, but not the next (which I also told him I was afraid of), and some are quite open and help with the transformation, while others don't want to know about it at all... so, so much... One of the first things I told him after reading about others stories is how upset and even angered I was when women were less than supportive and even ended relationships and/or broke up marriages and families because of this (including his own). I told him that it was these initial thoughts that led me to believe and feel I was alright with his crossdressing.

I suppose, for myself, I am just looking for ways to be the most supportive I can for him, and from him I still need to keep asking questions and I know that he'll be the one who can answer them, but again, this is still all so very new to me, so any insight is appreciated.

I thank you for taking the time to read this, and look forward to hearing from any of you that care to respond, it would mean a lot.

-g

[jennifer0918]

Welcome to the forum.

[Jenny22]

Aren't you the Wonderful One! You are doing the right thing by joining our community. There's a wealth of information here just waiting for you, so ask-away!

[Leslie Langford]

What a lovely and heartfelt post, Littleg2, and how lucky for your boyfriend to have someone as open-minded, mature, selfless, and understanding such as yourself in his life!

Now if only you could clone yourself, there would be plenty of people on this forum (myself included :) ) who would gladly trade our miserable DADT relationships for the type of mutually supportive and respectful one that you and your boyfriend are about to embark on as you continue your journey together. :thumbsup: :daydreaming:

[Micki_Finn]

Kinda had to start skimming but a few thoughts: 1) Yes, it's a very good thing that you flipped the script on him and made him stop looking at his dressing as something he is victimized by, and instead seeing the positive, 2) I understand that this is a new burden for you as well as him, and that it's good for you to have someone to confide in outside of the relationship, but if you are going to be revealing his secret to other people, please make sure he's ok with it first. He might not be comfortable with your family or friends knowing. Even people you think are going to be cool with it sometimes flip out, and 3) It's great that you are so open minded now, but somewhere down the road, at some point something is likely to put you off or make you uncomfortable. It'll probably totally take you by surprise that it bothers you, but don't just bite your tongue for the sake of being the "cool gf". The relationship is still about both of you, not about him and "her".

[Samantha uk]

Hi littleg2
Welcome. Firstly your BF is a very lucky boy, a lot of women find this too difficult to even contemplate. Secondly your BF has done exactly the right thing by telling you before your relationship gets too deep, I can tell you this much, in my experience it is the hardest thing to say to your partner and he would have had to take some serious brave pills before doing so.

The thing to remember is that there’s a huge spectrum whith CD’ing from Transexuals to people who just do it occasionally, CD’ing makes you question everything about yourself and it can take a long time to gain self acceptance.
So when he says he’s not gay and doesn’t want transition then its probably true


With regards to how far you want to go with it, well I think thats entirely up to you. My experience has been that my SO (significant other) accepts it and we talk about it but she doesn’t want to be involved. She might change her mind in the future but I will be entirely led by her. I’ve already asked her comprise in our relationship by asking her to accept that I’m not as 100% masculine as she thought when she married me, so coming out early in a relationship makes it whole lot less complicated.

Also remember he is still the man you have come to love, he just has an added aspect to his personality which can be a lot of fun if thats what you want.

Good luck littleg2

[Tracii G]

Welcome you made a wise choice joining here.Lots of really nice people to help you.
Ask any questions you want and I'm sure you will get an answer.
I think you are doing fine so far and I'm glad to see you are trying to take the guilt and shame out of the equation for him and that may help him open up more.
Let him take it at his own pace and not push too hard with a ton of questions all at once because honestly he may not have an answer to give you on all of them.
I think its wise to let him know its OK to express his female side and that you love him for who he is not what he is.
I hope that made sense anyway LOLOL.

[Littleg2]

Thank you very much for your responses. I was worried about who and if I should talk to anyone outside of our relationship, and I did express that to him. He told me at this point he has come a long way and not in "mortal fear" that others will find out. He gave me permission to talk to others, but to be careful with who I shared it with because some people can't handle it, is how he put it. I have no intention of running and telling the world, but I would like to talk to those I trust, and he's approved, so that it's not such a 'burden', I suppose.

My *plan* (so to speak) moving forward is to take it slow and keep being open and honest with him. I don't have a clue what my comfort levels are, because they have never been tested in this regard. I would like to think I will face this the same way we face other things together, we'll talk about it before hand, even say something as simple as perhaps seeing him in an article of women's clothing, and test the waters and add from there. I would like to be able to say either I am comfortable and go from there, or that I need more time or I'm not comfortable, if that's how I feel. The way I see it is (and this may sound absurd) is that I am equating it to new food... How do you know if you don't like it if you've never tried it? If we approach things with an open mind, honesty and a bit of good humor, I think it will work.

[anna kate]

Hi Littleg2,
Welcome. Your bf, in my opinion, should thank his lucky stars he found you. I don't have a lot of education, but I do have a lifetime to draw on (I'm pushing 80 really hard). Not having the internet when growing up, we starved a lot for information. I thought I was alone, so was not outgoing about my liking womens garb. Was married (25 yrs) with five kids, before I told my wife. I was scared --itless that I would lose her over this. Now married 51 years, she is tolerant, does not understand why I feel the need to leave the house dressed. Tried to explain to her, that even she doesn't buy a pretty dress, to wear just around the house. But like I said, she is tolerant and lets me do pretty much what I feel (in my opinion) is reasonable. She is concerned, that I could get in a really difficult situation, while out and about. So most of time when I go out alone, it's to a support group meeting. Other times I have support group members or a supportive niece that go with me.

I'm in awe of your openess and understanding and wish you and yours a long road of happiness.
Hugs, Anna Kate

[Tracii G]

As long as he was OK with you telling others but keep in mind you tell one person then 100 or more will know eventually so increasing changes of bad reactions.
I understand the urge to tell others but think twice does this person really need to know? and you need to understand this affects you too as his partner.
If a person has a problem with it say on a religious or moral point that will bring it down on both of you and your kids so do you really want that?
Its common to want to tell others but its not always the best thing to do in the larger picture.
For instance I don't walk up to a person I meet and say hello nice to meet you I'm gay because its none of their business.
A different example I know but the same basic idea.

[Rachael Leigh]

G, first of all welcome to this group and thank you for your open and honesty about your bf and how you want to be a support to your bf.
Many women have a very hard time with their SO being a CD or trans and it's always refreshing to see someone who just wants to find the best way to love and support their SO and not go all crazy wanting them to find a way to stop.
This part of us is most difficult to understand and deal with. I hope that as you learn more that you can find ways to allow
you two both enjoy this part of him
Rachael Leigh

[Littleg2]

As long as he was OK with you telling others but keep in mind you tell one person then 100 or more will know eventually so increasing changes of bad reactions.
I understand the urge to tell others but think twice does this person really need to know? and you need to understand this affects you too as his partner.
If a person has a problem with it say on a religious or moral point that will bring it down on both of you and your kids so do you really want that?
Its common to want to tell others but its not always the best thing to do in the larger picture.


Thank you for your point of view on this. It is something I considered, which is why the people I did choose to talk to are either like-minded (open due to personal knowledge/experience), gay, or polyamorous (specifically), in a nutshell. Honestly, and I told this to the friend I spoke with (again, with permission), I wanted to talk to people who would also agree with me and be supportive of us, both of us. I wouldn't, say for example, tell my mother (who is quite religious and 'old-school' in her thinking), I feel she doesn't need to know (won't hurt her) and neither of us need her judgment or ridicule. She already thinks he's a great guy, which he absolutely is, and there is no need for her to think differently.

And to be quite frank, if I may be, I also wanted to talk to someone else because there are kids involved. My children are a huge factor in any decision I make (my bf and I talked about this as well), and I would never want them to ever be affected negatively because of a choice I made. I suppose I also wanted an outsides point of view to reaffirm that I am not just staying with him for my own selfish reasons and not thinking of any negativity my children would not otherwise be exposed to if I was alone or with someone else. I hope that makes sense.

I asked my bf if he ever plans on telling his son (not really an issue right now as all of them are quite young), and he said yes, but he's hopeful that the world will keep growing progressively positive, and by that time it will be even less taboo or an issue (I know this may be perhaps wishful thinking). From my standpoint, you don't tell children if you expect them to keep it a secret. And not just for the fact that they are very poor at keeping secrets (haha), but it is unfair to put that mental stress on them in asking them not to tell. So again, this would be another bridge to cross if we ever had to, but may never, who knows.

[Tracii G]

Its best sometimes to wait when it comes to telling your kids because as times go on maybe being trans or a CD will not be a big deal like it used to be. We all can hope that day comes of course.
Now I must mention as far as telling people you may trust that has its flaws too because there are plenty of stories on this site alone where the CDer told a friend they trusted and the friendship ended right on the spot or the "friend" spilled the beans to the whole world so its not out of the realm of possibilities.
Also don't assume anything when it comes to "friends" and their perceived open ness or their liberal outlook I have made that mistake myself so do consider that.
Assuming a gay person would understand and be OK with it? Well no thats not always the case either.
I am the only one of my gay group of friends that is trans and that CD's. A few don't get it and a few find it silly and gross.
Most just don't understand the whole concept of why a man wants to dress as a girl because honestly what gay man wants to hang out with a guy dressed as a woman?
Thats the way it was put to me by a gay friend so I thought I would pass that tidbit of info to think of.

I'm not trying to be negative at all so please don't think that but what I am trying to do is help you because you are so new to the subject matter. Its very complex thing to deal with and what you may think to be the case may not be.

[jennifer0918]

A lot of great points,from my experience with gay,and transgender woman some are not too accepting and find it taboo. Kids could come across someone trans in school, so when is too young ?

[Littleg2]

Its best sometimes to wait when it comes to telling your kids because as times go on maybe being trans or a CD will not be a big deal like it used to be. We all can hope that day comes of course.
Now I must mention as far as telling people you may trust that has its flaws too because there are plenty of stories on this site alone where the CDer told a friend they trusted and the friendship ended right on the spot or the "friend" spilled the beans to the whole world so its not out of the realm of possibilities.
Also don't assume anything when it comes to "friends" and their perceived open ness or their liberal outlook I have made that mistake myself so do consider that.
Assuming a gay person would understand and be OK with it? Well no thats not always the case either.
I am the only one of my gay group of friends that is trans and that CD's. A few don't get it and a few find it silly and gross.
Most just don't understand the whole concept of why a man wants to dress as a girl because honestly what gay man wants to hang out with a guy dressed as a woman?
Thats the way it was put to me by a gay friend so I thought I would pass that tidbit of info to think of.

I think at this point, I have talked to those I wanted to and will leave it at that. The reactions I received were so wonderful, what more do I need? And even here, the responses are amazing (and very helpful, thank you), I am so very grateful to all those that have responded. This is a safe place. :)

I am sorry for the negative experiences you've had personally, it really is unfortunate. It also gives me more to the insight of what you and my bf, and everyone else on here and elsewhere has had to deal with in their lives. I do hope things change and continue to get better.

And while my amazing, wonderful, understanding bf might be okay with it, I would feel absolutely horrible if anything negative was ever put on him because I told someone and they betrayed me, and therefor him.

[Confucius]

I appreciate your openness and willingness to engage this subject. I can tell you that crossdressers cover a wide, wide spectrum. So if you know one crossdresser, then you only know one crossdresser. You can expect each of us to come with our own life history, and each of us is trying to understand ourselves, and fit into society. We all need to crossdress, and we all need to be loved and that's our starting point.

In my case, I like to wear dresses. I am completely straight, and have no fantasies about men. I am attracted to feminine things, but I have no desire to transition. I just like to wear pretty dresses. I think it's just the way my brain is hardwired. When I dress my brain releases a host of feel good neurotransmitters, and that makes me happy.

I suspect that you have your own needs and they probably includes the need to be held and loved by a man, and the need to love a man you can respect and honor. It is okay for you to tell your boyfriend what your needs and expectations are. It is okay for you to help your boyfriend shop and dress in a manner that you prefer. Yes, you can set limitations based upon your tolerances and you need to tell your boyfriend what your limits are.

In the end, your needs and his needs can both be met when you are both supportive of each other.

[Scarlett398]

Hi G, it's Scarlett....

I would like to echo the sentiments of those girls who responded before I did to include: Jennifer, Jenny, Leslie, Micki, Samantha, Tracii, and Anna Kate.
We would all love to have our wife or SO to be so very accepting of our cross dressing thrill. We all welcome you to this site and are so glad you are willing to spend the time doing the research and taking the time to join this forum and state your situation, your feelings, and your opinions in regards to your SO's cross dressing. You're acceptance and openness to the world of cross dressing is not only welcomed but refreshing to hear. Each and everyone of us cross dressers who have a wife or SO that lives with us would be so happy to have someone as you who is open to discussion and understanding of what we do, how we do it and why we do it in regards to cross dressing.

All of our desires, goals, experiences, interactions with others, desire to go or not go out in public dressed en femme vary so much from one cross dresser to another. The more I read and interact with what we all refer to on this site are other "girls", the more I find out how different we are. The one sure thing we all have in common is the fact that we all have a fascination with and a desire to wear girl's/women's clothing. Some like to wear just sexy underwear underneath their men's clothing and others, like myself, go all of the way to dress up as a pretty lady from top to bottom. Many of us like to share photos of ourselves in the photo gallery here. That's my one of my favorite things to do and if you go and check The Photo Gallery over the last 4 months of posts and look for threads with the name "Scarlett" in them, you'll understand why I get a real thrill taking pictures of myself and sharing them with the rest of the crew here. They all tell me that I look so natural, sexy, pretty, gorgeous, etc. in their replies. I love hearing those responses and it fuels me to keep posting my photos and sharing them here.

Others on here may have been members for years and have never ever posted a photo of themselves for some reason or another. That's just one example of how different we can be. Another may be our desire to be out in public often en femme, only a few times a year out en femme, or never ever out in public en femme which is another example of how different we can be. Some are theme dressers and some are not. Some like dresses and others might like tops and skirts more like me. Some like heels, some like boots, some like flats, some like wedges, some like booties, and some may like really high heels. Some girls on here prefer fall and winter clothing to spring and summer clothing. Some get to dress while there wife or SO is home and some don't. Some remain deep in the closet and some get to let it all be out there. Some get to even go on dates with their wife or SO while dressed en femme and some will never ever be able to experience that desire at all.

Now I am, in the above paragraph, just beginning to scratch the surface of how different we can be. I could go on for days about our differences and probably with our commonalities as well. I'll have to save all that info. for a book written on the subject of cross dressing in the near future. The girls on here know that the books on this subject are few and far between and hopefully soon there will be some books show up on the shelves of Books A Million, Barnes and Nobles, or on Amazon.com that address everything there is to know about cross dressing.

Specifically in my case, I have a very loving and sexy wife who discovered me months ago fully dressed as Scarlett one day when she came home unannounced from work a couple of hours earlier than she usually does. It was embarrassing for me and a bit shocking to her. I got the silent treatment for a day and a half and then date night on Saturday came around and we went out on a date and had a super time and made passionate love at the end of the date and the subject of my cross dressing never came up. We still haven't had "The Talk" about my cross dressing but I hope that will happen soon. I'm ready to get it all out in the open as your SO did up front before the relationship got way too far down the tracks and he would have be so much more reluctant to bring the subject up. I want to cover all of the details as to when, why, what, and how and then answer any and all questions she may have then and in the future. I have no plans on shoving my cross dressing down her throat and know what my limits currently are. We are in a don't ask don't tell relationship as far as the cross dressing is concerned. She accepts my cross dressing now but doesn't currently want to see me dressed as Scarlett and wants me to be dressed as the handsome man I am when she's around. I do know that her love for me has not wavered a bit since the discovery of my cross dressing. I don't have to worry about a separation or divorce if she were to walk in on me dressed as pretty little Scarlett. I just know I would have to go in the bathroom and undress, take the makeup off with those Neutrogena Towelette makeup remover sheets, take the nail polish of with some nail polish remover, take a shower to remove the last remnants of makeup and then proceed with the rest of the evening as nothing out of the usual had occurred. I know that makes some sense to some and no sense to others, but that's the way we roll right now and I am just fine with that.

I hope all I have mentioned in this post has helped you understand how lucky your SO is to have you. How lucky you are to be able to ask him any question you'd like about the subject and be able to get an open and honest answer from your SO. I, like him, am as straight as can be and have no homosexual desires whatsoever. However, I have no issues with the girls on here that go there and do that. I enjoy being a man and dressing up as a cute sexy girl. I, like him, have no desire to transition to be a girl but have no issues with those who have that desire or have already gone there and done that. A) I really enjoy being a man and being married to a sexy redheaded woman, B) I'm allergic to pain C) Would never have enough money to spend on the surgery, D) Don't want to go through years and years of hormone therapy, E) If I did a transition, I think the thrill of changing from a man into a pretty girl by way of makeup, clothes, wigs, heels and boots, etc., would lose much of the cross dressing thrill, and F) That sort of transition would probably cost me a relationship with my wife, my boys, my in laws, and a few of my friends. But the losing of my wife would absolutely be a killer. I just couldn't handle that one at all.

That's plenty for now G. Thanks for sharing your story with us and if you have any further questions, I know all of the girls on this site would love to offer up some answers or opinions in regards to any questions you may have. They all, with the exception of one which has gone away or has been blocked from me, have been so supportive to me and to all the other girls here. Now some may tell you something you may not want to hear, however, it will be some sort of way they will respond based on their own experiences and background regarding cross dressing.

Take care G, and we hope to hear from you regularly on this site. We don't have any female SO's on this site who offer up information from their side of our equation so we are really lucky to have you here and hope you decide to stay on and keep us updated and keep exchanging ideas, opinions, experiences, and questions in regards to our thrilling and exciting hobby or lifestyle.

Sincerely, Scarlett :love:

[Maria_mtf]

Hello,
As everyone has said it's great to see someone so down to earth and supportive, you are one on a million. My advice is good regular communication. My wife knows and told me she forgot I crossdress a few months ago, this is because neither of us spoke about it for a while. So while she forgot I think about dresses and other feminine things 10 times a day.

[Eva Bella]

Welcome to the forum! You're a very giving and open-minded person, and that's a great thing for any relationship!

It's great that you came here for information as well. Personally, I'm engaged to a wonderful woman and I'm genderfluid. I'm generally in femme mode a few times a week and she's very supportive. We often go out as girls together. Here in Los Angeles, I know a lot of people with similar situations. There's a few insights that I can offer:

1) There's a narrative that all of us want to transition sooner or later. It's false. I know plenty of couples in very long-term relationships where the guy is comfortable being his femme side intermittently. I'm personally this way. I have no problem with my male identity, but really value my female one as well. It's entirely possible for his current level to be satisfying.

2) From my experience, most relationships with part time CD/TS angles tend to fall apart due to lying, lack of communication, and obsession. You don't have to worry about the first two as he doesn't have to sneak around. That's huge. Many CD/TS people get caught up in their femme side and neglect their female partners. It's called the "Pink Fog" and it hits all of us. Try not to take it personally and work to steer him back to you as the focus. Keep dialog open and accept that they'll be some stumbling along the way.

3) Don't be terrified of telling people. Or for them to find out. When I came out to my fiancee, I told her that she could tell any family or friends that she wanted to. And she did indeed talk about it with about five of her closest friends. So what? They know that I like to wear a blond wig and a cocktail dress and dance to 90's hip hop twice a week. Big deal. Unless you live in a very conservative religious community, its unlikely that CD'ing is going to wreck any relationships. It's only sordid and shameful if we consider it so. In the words of Iggy Pop... "I'm not ashamed to dress like a woman because I don't think it's shameful to be a woman."

4) For this generous understanding and patience with early learning frustrations, you stand to gain SO MUCH. At the big Wildside event in Vegas (CD/Trans party with hundreds of attendees), there were quite a few wives and girlfriends. And they had the absolute TIME OF THEIR LIVES. You'll gain a deep understanding and bond with your partner, and get to be part of a really caring and vibrant community. Way more exciting than just being with a regular "dude" who likes sports bars and Adam Sandler movies, haha.

5) Disconnect gender and sexuality. When we initially come out, many react with "ARE YOU GAY!?!" It's understandable, and a lot of GG's think that we're more attracted to men in femme mode. This isn't the case, at least not for everyone. Not for me, anyway. Our sexual orientation doesn't have to change because our gender presentation does. And you're in love with a person.. it doesn't make you a lesbian if you like him when he's dresses en femme. These gay/straight/bi/ boxes are problematic anyway in our community. You're in love with that specific human, and that's all that matters.

Thanks again for posting. Feel free to PM me if you ever have any questions about my setup.

[Veronica53]

Welcome to the forum he is lucky to have someone so supportive

[LelaK]

Well, LittleG2, you seem rather tolerant. I don't know how tolerant I might be if I had a GF who liked to crossdress. I'm not gay or bisexual, but if I had such a GF, I imagine it could sway me somewhat toward bi, though likely only with TS's.

I tend to want a GF who's bi, because I imagine she might be naturally more comfortable with my crossdressing than other women.

I don't personally like to act feminine, but I love to look female & pretty.

Anyway, if you're a little bi, I suppose you'll generally be comfy with your BF crossdressed. And if you're not bi, I don't know if his dressing may sway you toward bi. I'm not afraid of becoming something that I'm not comfy with now but might be comfy with later.

[mbmeen12]

I thank you for taking the time to read this, and look forward to hearing from any of you that care to respond, it would mean a lot.

Super good on you to even explore the options especially wring the poem. Rather than tear the proverbially band aid off all at once. Counseling might also be an option. More important, you are a special person all here to respect just by joining.
X Kara
Hats off to you.....

[Kate Simmons]

Hi, Nothing wrong with talking about this. In fact, I've seen that one of the biggest problems with couples with CDing is not talking. This helps the understanding. I've personally been doing this for some 58 years and can be thankful I have a GF that has no problem with it although when it comes to a choice between CDing and spending time with her, the latter usually wins out. On this forum are the foremost experts on CDing in the world and I don't say that lightly. I personally know many of the folks here. Never hesitate to ask anything about this subject here to myself or anyone here. Most will be more than glad to help. It can all be a big adventure if we share it together the way I look at it. Take care. :battingeyelashes::)

[Lacey New]

What a wonderful caring and thoughtful person you are! Your BF is a very lucky guy to have met you. Yes, I can well imagine that being with a crossdresser would be difficult for them. My SO is not nearly as enlightened as you are and that is why I choose to remain in the closet - but that's another story. The big thing is that you are able to see your BF for what he is - a good and decent person who cares about you but who just happens to enjoy women's clothing. It is wonderful to me - and likely to the rest of the community here as well - to know that there are enlightened, supportive women out there. Best wishes to you and your BF.

[LaurenS]

There is a lot of pertinent advice here, but I think the two of you will be fine. Kudos to you!

[JamieG]

G, you are quite simply a gem. It sounds like both you and your boyfriend are the textbook example of how to make this work. He told you early in the relationship and although you have some doubts, you are clearly making a serious effort to understand. My advice is don't go to fast and be true to yourself. Obviously, be as accepting and as supportive as you can. But, I believe your bf will understand if you tell him at any point that you need to slow down. That is better than becoming resentful.

You also mentioned kids. You can find some threads on here about "whether or not to tell the children." There is a variety of opinions, but my opinion is if he is not transitioning, there is no need to tell young children. I have two daughters, ages 8 and 11, and we have decided not to tell them at this point. However, we have raised them to be accepting of all people, and they have seen me in drag a few times (charity drag shows and one Halloween). Thus, our hope is that if/when we tell them, it won't be a big deal.

Wishing you all the best,
Jamie

[Littleg2]

Wow! To come back on here this morning and see all the kind, wonderful responses made me so happy. Thank you all very much! I appreciate your words of wisdom, insight and openness to help me better understand my bf, all of him.

We had a great chat last night and I was able to ask some questions, tell him about my post and some of the responses I had received up till that point. He was very open and kept telling me that I could ask him anything, which I appreciate. It was just a really neat discussion and although there were moments I was nervous, a little embarrassed and even a bit giggly at times (he seemed so too at times as well), it was good to hear about his take on certain things and how he felt about his CD'ing. We've both agreed to take it slow, which he had already determined, and continue to communicate openly about how we're feeling.

He made a comment that someone like me is referred to as a "unicorn". While that's a lovely thought, I told him that I don't know if I am entirely deserving of that title... yet, especially given the fact that I have not even seen him dressed as a women at this point. But I plan to continue to be as supportive and understanding as I can and hopefully one day will be more deserving of that title, even if only in his eyes, which is what matters to me the most.

I look forward to being a part of this group and not only sharing this journey with him, but you all as well. Thank you. -G

[Robbiegirl]

Littleg2 Welcome. Welcome. You are a wonderful person and addition to this site.

I am trying to catch up on this thread so to be clear you have not seen him in person yet dressed in women's clothing ?

Also just wondering if he gave you any clues before your conversation. For Example while I was dating my wife i put on a frilly babydoll nightie I bought for her to show her it really was comfy and fun. And another time when i saw her walking around in her cute lacy bras and Panties with a towel on her head surprised her by walking into the bathroom minutes later in the exact same outfit. In both situations she laughed and enjoyed the playfulness

[Littleg2]

I am trying to catch up on this thread so to be clear you have not seen him in person yet dressed in women's clothing ?

Also just wondering if he gave you any clues before your conversation.

Robbiegirl,
To answer your questions, no, I have not seen him dressed as a women yet, or even in anything girly, in person (I have seen some pictures). We have talked about it, though, and I have expressed that I would like to, but we are taking this slow and it will probably be some time before I see him completely made up (wig, forms, nails, makeup, etc.). He is very supportive and understanding of my newness to all of this, and doesn't want to overwhelm me and has told me there is no "time line" to it all. I have to admit I am torn between excitement and nerves at the thought of seeing him dressed (in a good way), my heart even starts beating faster...

I would say I didn't have any obvious clues, or rather, he didn't give any. Although, certain little, non-obvious things seemed to make more sense. He did tell me last night that he has been asking me about certain scenarios and things to kind of gauge how open I would be or accepting I would be (he used the term "testing", but then retracted that), but I never picked up on them to make an assumption that he was a crossdresser.

[Cheryl T]

We all crave someone we can confide in and someone with whom we can be this expression of ourselves without fear of rejection or spiteful criticism.

Congratulations to you for being open minded and willing to take the time to begin to understand this side of your BF.
The best thing you can offer is communication. Talk, talk, and more talk, without judgement and with a desire to learn and understand his feelings.
Ask questions, accept his answers openly and together you can be much more than you ever thought possible. That's what has happened in my life.

[Robbiegirl]

Littleg2 - Thanks for the quick response

well is ha aplayful kind of guy at all ? And if he had done eithier of the funny things I had done would you have had fun with it or freaked out ??

[Littleg2]

Robbiegirl

I would say yes, he is playful. As far as bedroom activities go he is also kind, respectful, fun, kinky, sweet, attentive... I could go on - lol And all while being quite masculine, I would never question that. It's actually quite wonderful, and I am just now only kind of coming to the conclusion that he is the way he is because of all of who he is, and I am a pretty lucky gal for it. I don't actually know how I would respond, to be fair, if he had put on lingerie before this point. I have never had this happen with anyone I have been with so am just being honest. Of course I would like to think I would have been alright, but I don't know if I would have gotten "it", per-say. He told me he had done this with another girl (maybe more), but they never realized it was more for him than for them, or they didn't realize how much he really enjoyed it. He told me he wanted to talk to me about it first, which again, to me, shows how respectful of me he is.

[Dana44]

Welcome to the forum Littleg2 Yes an open mind and a little humor Is always good. He is one lucky guy to have you.

[jennifer0918]

G,this can be a very exciting and satisfying journey for both of you.
Like Taco bell,"sometimes you got to think outside the box."

[Littleg2]

Jennifer, Your quote made me smile. I promise to do my best. :)

[mykell]

Thank you [................... ]

My *plan* (so to speak) moving forward is to take it slow and keep being open and honest with him. I don't have a clue what my comfort levels are, because they have never been tested in this regard. I would like to think I will face this the same way we face other things together, we'll talk about it before hand, even say something as simple as perhaps seeing him in an article of women's clothing, and test the waters and add from there. I would like to be able to say either I am comfortable and go from there, or that I need more time or I'm not comfortable, if that's how I feel. The way I see it is (and this may sound absurd) is that I am equating it to new food... How do you know if you don't like it if you've never tried it? If we approach things with an open mind, honesty and a bit of good humor, I think it will work.

love the food reference, terrific reasoning, kudos,

my thoughts are you seem too good to be true.....my jealousy coming through perhaps.

welcome to the group, nice to see accepting perspectives, i could only add to what you have touched on already, go at a pace you are both comfortable with and stay away from things that take you out of your comfort zone.

as far as our children are concerned often times here folks have shared and they look up from theyre devises for a moment, they are told, "cool", "thats it" they return to look at theyre devices.....our kids just seem to get it these days.

thanks for sharing your story with us.....


............. It's actually quite wonderful, and I am just now only kind of coming to the conclusion that he is the way he is because of all of who he is, and I am a pretty lucky gal for it........................

this i think is the thing that causes me the most stress ? or concern ? in my relationship....the ability for them to be 100% themselves with you and your ability to see it....

a link for you to meet your peers here, https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/faq.php?faq=pf#faq_gg_forum

perhaps you SO would like to join us someday....

[Tracii G]

You both seem well adjusted and moving in a constructive path which is a good thing.
You say you have never seen him in girl mode personally but has he shown and pictures to you of him dressed?
The reason I ask I had one friend and when she saw me dressed for the first time she laughed really loudly and that hurt really bad to be honest.
She saw how devastated I was and tried to make me feel better and smooth things over but I have never really gotten over it.
We are still friends but not as good a friends as we once were.
My point is make him as comfortable as you can that first time you see him dressed because he is the most vulnerable at that time and how you react is very important.

[Jenny22]

You've seen photos. Honestly, how did you react to them?
You've not seen him dressed, yet. What are your expectations?

Here's a thought. Dress him from the inside out. Over a week's time, YOU suggest something for him to wear each day, one piece at a time, adding each to what he wore on previous days, so his feminine presentation to you develops slowly and how YOU would like to see it. If he has breast forms, include them. By the end of that week, you will see him almost fully femmed, and you will not have had a cold water shock. Each day, hug and kiss him as he presents.

You are a wonderful person for what you are doing. Have fun in all processes. Best of good fortune to both of you.

[Littleg2]

this i think is the thing that causes me the most stress ? or concern ? in my relationship....the ability for them to be 100% themselves with you and your ability to see it....

...

Thank you for your response and the info about kids (and the link to the other area for GG's). I have seen some information on it, and it's always good when these things go well. I think our concerns for our children exist because of our ex's. His does not approve and ended their marriage years ago because of this when their son was just over a year old, and mine is a close-minded spiteful person whom I would not want to know at all, because of how he would most likely react.

I was wondering if you could elaborate on the quoted statement more for me, if possible? Is this your personal concern, that your SO doesn't see all of you or that they can't be comfortable with you?

- - - Updated - - -



My point is make him as comfortable as you can that first time you see him dressed because he is the most vulnerable at that time and how you react is very important.

Tracii, thank you for this. Not that I would have intentionally done otherwise, but it's good to be mindful of what his mindset may most likely be.

- - - Updated - - -


You've seen photos. Honestly, how did you react to them?
You've not seen him dressed, yet. What are your expectations?

Here's a thought. Dress him from the inside out. Over a week's time, YOU suggest something for him to wear each day, one piece at a time, adding each to what he wore on previous days, so his feminine presentation to you develops slowly and how YOU would like to see it. If he has breast forms, include them. By the end of that week, you will see him almost fully femmed, and you will not have had a cold water shock. Each day, hug and kiss him as he presents.

You are a wonderful person for what you are doing. Have fun in all processes. Best of good fortune to both of you.

Jenny,

Honestly... he handed me his phone and asked me who I thought I was looking at. I knew it was him right away, but at that point in our initial discussion I was still taking it in and was so sad and heartbroken by his story about the abuse he'd endured, I told him "It's you. I know it's you.", and just scrolled through his pictures quietly not trying to react in a way that would make him feel like he couldn't trust me or continue to tell me his story. I remember smiling at him kind of sheepishly as I handed him back his phone, and later that day telling him how pretty I thought he was. I also asked him in the letter I sent him if he would show me more of his pictures.

It may have not been the best reaction, but there is nothing I can do about that now. I know sometimes people laugh nervously at things that aren't at all funny as their way of dealing with an otherwise awkward or stressful situation, but I am not one of those. I am trying my best to be very mindful of what I say and how I react to what he tells me and shows me as not to hurt his feelings. I would never want to do that. I told him I would never want to hurt him by seeming unsympathetic or anything less than supportive and understanding.

Thank you for your suggestion, I will talk to him about it and see how he feels. Perhaps when we have some time off in the summer together this is something we can explore.

[Tracii G]

G you can't say what you will or will not do at that very moment he reveals that side of him. I said that to make you think about that very moment and realize how crucial your reaction is.
It can make or break your relationship and be that one contention that sticks around for years.

[mykell]

I was wondering if you could elaborate on the quoted statement more for me, if possible? Is this your personal concern, that your SO doesn't see all of you or that they can't be comfortable with you?

i have a lesbian friend i know from volunteering....i feel free-er in discussions and actions when with her, so i think guilt is the word i was looking for before, i believe i filter some things when with the Mrs. to comply with her wishes of OUR arrangement, so as far as we have come and as comfortable she is its only 99% of me.

as far as telling your children, plenty of time for that in the future, mine does not know that i know of, (one of those conversations with my friend that i mentioned) but he has graduated and im getting ready....

[Littleg2]

mikell,

I honestly hope I never give my bf a reason to not feel that he can be 100% himself with me, but I think we always somewhat temper how we are around others, even those closets to us. I don't think you should feel guilty (or stressed or concerned) for not being 100% with your SO, 99% is really darn close. I don't know your relationship, however, so I wanted to ask if you felt there was anything else you could do on your part to open up more to her, or is that just not possible?

Also, good luck if and when you decide to tell your son, I hope it all goes well. :)

[Brenda Freeman]

Hi Littleg2
Have read most of all this. It was smart for your boyfriend to get this on the table early and you are wonderful to have an open mind (I expect he may have thought you might )
I was married for 20 years before I told my wife, she is my wife,best friend and new her so well I thought she would be okay. It took awhile her biggest fear was what was next, and there were not many resources back then. fast forward we are doing great. We set boundaries on who should know, and though she would rather not see me dressed I do not have to hide. She has seen me and it is not a big deal when our paths cross.
I guess my main point I married an easy going open minded wonderful woman and though I thought I could stop crossdressing it caught up with me but my best friend for life took the time to understand and I love her so much for that.
I think you two will do great, trust and talks about how you want to spend time together when he is dressed, who should and should not know, down to where the clothes go on the hanger, can be worked out as you explore this together. Welcome to the forum it is always wonderful to read GG's stories of support, there are to many stories that do not work so well.

[Eva Bella]

It's gonna go great Littleg2. Have confidence in that. Just the fact that you had the drive to come here and interact with this community is evidence enough.

You're gonna react just fine to his photos. And to his femme presentation. You're going to have a great relationship with him and an awesome, enlightening time when you're out as girls. And if people find out.. intentionally or not.. the world isn't gonna end. Anyone important is going to be fine with it and look past things. You got this!

[CONSUELO]

Dear LittleG2,

A big and warm welcome to this Forum. You have already had lots of good responses and a lot of support and I hope this continues.

It was with great pleasure that I read your post and saw how open and supportive you were of your BF. I wish you the very best in your relationship and hope all goes very well for you.

[Tahoegurl]

Welcome and thank you for your post. Upfront and honest is the best policy if you are going to work together on your relationship. I wish you both the best.

[greeneyes]

First of all...WELCOME!!!!


My *plan* (so to speak) moving forward is to take it slow and keep being open and honest with him. I don't have a clue what my comfort levels are, because they have never been tested in this regard. I would like to think I will face this the same way we face other things together, we'll talk about it before hand, even say something as simple as perhaps seeing him in an article of women's clothing, and test the waters and add from there. I would like to be able to say either I am comfortable and go from there, or that I need more time or I'm not comfortable, if that's how I feel. The way I see it is (and this may sound absurd) is that I am equating it to new food... How do you know if you don't like it if you've never tried it? If we approach things with an open mind, honesty and a bit of good humor, I think it will work.

This was exactly my train of thought when we started this journey. Just go with the flow, be honest and communicate a lot! We talk about everthing! and whenever I wasn't sure how I would feel about something (like shaving all over) I was just honest and said, "I reserve the right to tell you I do not really like this". Most of the time after trying new things, I realized, I really didn't mind. But I am always willing to try new things and keep an open mind. Our life together is very enjoyable because of this!
Take Care! Glad to have you here!!!!!

[Littleg2]

I really am so thankful for all the responses. I feel as though I should be thanking each of you individually, so I am sorry if my blanket "thank you" is insufficient, but it is meant for each of you who took the time to respond. The suggestions are great and I have enjoyed being able to talk to my bf about them and share with him the positivity I have received. I would say it's even opened our line of communication more and given me a little more confidence to talk to him about his female side. He is such an open, good-natured, wonderful human being that I think knowing about this side of him will only serve to make our relationship that much better moving forward. I am so glad he was able to work up the courage to tell me now.

Thank you all again,
g

[Tracii G]

I'm really happy for the both of you and I think everything is going to work out just fine.
Same for you too greeneyes.

[Curiosity666]

I know there have been plenty of responses already, but I just wanted to add my 2c.

To start, the way that your bf told you, and the way you responded and the thoughts you had are very similar to what happened with my partner and I. Overall, I am proud to say that crossdressing is a non-issue in our relationship, and i anything, has made it stronger!

I will add that it will take work. It's a difficult and taboo subject, and you'll need strong communication in your relationship to help make things work for the best :)

[~Joanne~]

Welcome to the forum Littleg, I wish I could add something or have a response to your post to help you out in all of this but honestly, your already on the right path. Communication is the most important thing and your both already talking, at length, about this. You already are supportive and accepting as you didn't pack your bags and run. Nothing we can say is going to help or be "better" than what You both are already doing. he's lucky to have You and now it's up to you two to see how all of this works out.

My SO is very supportive and accepting of this side of me. We have a lot of fun with it and really haven't had many problems with it. This is how I feel people who truly love each other should be but from the horror stories here, you have to wonder. CDing hurts no one. It could have been a lot worse. Good luck ;)

[ReineD]

Hi Littleleg, welcome. Like you, I’m a GG and also like you, this is both our second relationship. My SO told me very shortly after we began dating although we had known one another casually for about three years, during which time I had had no clue. I suspect our relationship also would not have gotten very far if I had not been open to the idea. Certainly, my SO would not have been able to be in a relationship with someone who said outright, "I disapprove and I will not stay with you if you continue to crossdress".

Unlike you though, my older children were young adults living out of the house and the youngest was living with his father across the country - so my SO and I didn’t need to worry about the immediate problems of having to navigate through this with kids on a daily basis. Telling children is another topic entirely, because although kids are flexible (they won’t stop loving you), if they are young enough they are apt to blurt it out in the neighborhood or at school. It is not fair to expect young children to keep secrets. And if they are old enough and their dad dresses at home, even if they are supportive they may not want to bring their friends over. In my case, I was involved in an ugly divorce that lasted years and I did not want this knowledge to get to my ex. I was concerned that he might use it to his advantage.

You’re not immediately turned off the idea, which is a good thing. My guess is that in general, GGs in the throes of new love at the beginning of their relationships are less likely to be turned off the CDing than GGs who feel they’ve been lied to for years or who might have rather conservative/religious values. It’s a fresh start for both of you and you can learn to navigate this together.

That said, this is what you can expect if your SO is like my SO, whom I consider to be a pretty average member of this community:

If your SO hasn’t gone out in public yet, he likely will eventually want to begin. If he has been dressing provocatively so far, this will likely abate if he doesn’t want to stand out when he is out dressed, unless he is content to going to TG friendly nightclubs occasionally.

Learning to go out in the mainstream necessitated a huge wardrobe expanse as my SO learned what worked and what didn’t. And eventually, lower leg shaving gave way to all-over body shaving all the time. My SO also eventually had laser beard removal, pierced his ears, grew his fingernails and kept them shaped, in short did everything that would make the transformation from boy to girl as easy and as quick as possible in order to provide for the greatest flexibility.

During these learning years, when my SO was moving from having been deeply closeted to having found an accepting parter (me) who was willing to hang out with him dressed and further, to go out in public (in the next towns over), it was as you can imagine deeply exciting for my SO. He loved engaging in all things girlie, i.e. getting manicures, pedis, shopping in women’s stores, dining in restaurants, and generally being out there while being perceived as a woman by people who didn’t look too closely. For a while though, our relationship took a downturn because within a few years I perceived that my SO’s focus was on being a girl and all things girly, more than prioritizing our relationship and the day-to-day responsibilities of being in a committed relationship. But, these were normal growing pains that eventually worked themselves out.

I also went through a learning curve during this time, wondering where this was all headed for my SO. At one point I was convinced that my SO would eventually transition and that he was in denial when telling me that he wouldn't. But, after about 5 years, things fell back into place again as the newness of going out in public normalized for my SO and the other parts of his life became priorities again. At the height of my SO’s expansion, she was going out about 2-3 times per week (this takes up a lot more head space than just the going-out times) and we would spend entire weekends dressed in a nearby city. Now, as mentioned, other priorities have returned and my SO doesn't spend nearly as much time thinking about and going out dressed.

My SO and I didn’t have issues about who to tell and not tell. Neither one of us was interested in having our parents, my children, and his siblings know, and my SO was not interested in coming out to our closest non-LGBT friends who also are his workmates. Save for a short period of time when my SO felt it would be safe to go out publicly in our small midwestern town (my SO thought he wouldn’t be recognized), we have encountered few difficulties in deciding where to go out dressed.

As to who to tell, obviously, our LGBT friends all know as do our TG friends in the support/social group we belong to that is located in a nearby city. I did tell my brother (he lives far away) whom I thought would be open to the idea, but to my surprise he wasn’t. It’s been years now and we don’t mention it. My SO and I recently traveled to see my family and it was as if I had never said a word about it. I also told a close local friend with my SO’s permission, who was hoping to expand the number of people he could do things with while dressed. Although our friend didn’t turn away and we do things with her when my SO is in guy mode, she will not see us if my SO is dressed. As to the rest of our friends, we do live in a small midwestern town. If the CDing was considered ordinary by most people, I would have no issues with being out to everyone, but it isn’t and I am not keen on being the subject of gossip or on being told, "OK, but please do not come to our house party next Saturday dressed". In my view, there is no point in telling people if they do not want to be directly involved.

I wish you both all the best as you learn to navigate through this and find a balance that will work for you both and for your children.

[Littleg2]

I hope I'm not sounding too much like a broken record at this point, but again, I would like to say a big, heartfelt "Thank you!" to all of you who have replied. Your kind words, advice, encouragement, and positive messages are beyond what I was expecting.

Thank you Reine for your insight from a GG perspective. I know as of last summer he was living alone and started venturing out into the world on his own and with friends and local CD'ers. He told me he hasn't dressed in months, so who knows where this will take us. I am just trying my best to stay open, supportive and positive to whatever comes.

I am excited about our life together going forward, and this is just one more puzzle piece to the complete picture. :)

[ReineD]

Thank you Reine for your insight from a GG perspective. I know as of last summer he was living alone and started venturing out into the world on his own and with friends and local CD'ers. He told me he hasn't dressed in months, so who knows where this will take us.

I forgot to mention that the CDing waxes and wanes for most CDers, it's not linear. My SO feels the need to dress more strongly only during certain times of the year (spring and fall) and during these times, she will maybe go out once or twice per week for a few weeks. The rest of the year is sporadic. A few years ago, I think my SO went six months without having any interest. This is in contrast to the period of time when my SO was in a new relationship with an accepting partner (me), and was going from being mostly closeted to learning how to go out everywhere dressed. At that time, the CDing became a frequent priority for some years but as I've mentioned, this only lasted about 5 years.