about to get married and worry so much

[chloe cute]

Need your advice gals,
Me and my GF have been in relationship in 10 years. She knows about my CD but she does not like it. We live separately and last year she found out that I am still CDing. She got mad and since I love her, I purged. But you know those feeling never gone. I still want to dress up. I love her so much. I told my self if I love her I would sacrifice things for her. After those purge, slowly I added back my collection without her knowing.:eek:
We are planning to get married soon, I am afraid that I can't control this desire. For those who is married and have a non supportive wife. What do you do?

[Laura912]

Quite simply, get this worked out before marriage. It will save a lot on lawyer fees later.

[NancySue]

Laura said it all. Any alternative will, sooner or later, be a disaster....sad, but true. Best wishes.

[countrygirl]

Listen to Laura. This is not something we choose. We can't just cut it off one moment and on the second. Being a female is part of our DNA. We are born this way. I am gay as a male or a straight female when I am Amanda. I would not be with someone who doesn't accept me for who I am. It is either all or nothing. There is no in between. Divorces just get real messy. Save your self the trouble now and think real hard is this what you want. I done the purging thing when my dad found out I was a crossdresser I regret throwing out my clothes. I immediately started back up and just hid better. Now I am on my own and I am currently writing this sitting on my back deck dressed up as Amanda and enjoying every last minute of this.

[Joni T]

You have only two choices:
1) Quit dressing, or:
2) Find another GF who approves. Sorry, there is no third option.
Jon

[Stephanie47]

I'm in the non supportive wife club. It's been that way of life for over thirty years. It's "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." My wife and I had incorporated some lingerie play into our sex life early on which seemed to be OK because she probably viewed it as a fetish with benefits for her. It was never more than I wearing a nightgown and hosiery. However, my interests progressed further and when she realized their was some sort of psychological issues involved she was turned off. There was a rough patch there because neither she nor I could understand cross dressing needs and desires. I think she came to realize this was something that had nothing to do with her, and, I was the same person she married.

She does not know how my wardrobe has expanded since it is a deep DADT relationship. I cannot say I'm hiding my purchases from her because she does not want to see, hear, talk, etc about cross dressing. I'd be willing to share, but, she is not receptive at all. There are no caustic remarks. I've had the opportunity when working to take days off to play, and, as a retiree when she was working.

I would suggest you come clean with your girlfriend so you are not accused of keeping secrets, lying, deceit, etc. If she is really repulsed by this part of you you may want to postpone the marriage until you work it out. She may not be the girl for you. And, your girl side may not be for her.

[mykell]

hi chloe,

well....tough love advise already handed down....its part of who you are, be honest with yourself so you can be honest with the person you plan to spend the rest of your life with....why does she not like it....if the reasons she hates this is too hard to overcome you will have some hard choices to make....and yes until the vows they are choices, after that it will all be different.

if she really loves you i think she would be open to a therapy session, perhaps a support session, honest open talk between the two of you.

http://www.pflagphila.org/ new trans group, i use pflag.

i think you are wise to admit that control of our trans/cd inclinations will always be like trying to stop the tide from coming in....we know how that works....

she most likely will have reservations for how others see her for being with you, if you could make arraignments to keep it something fun and private between the two of you would be one way she can accept, but just be ready for any ultimatums that require you to give up something you seem to know full well you cannot live without...

good luck.....some hard work is coming....if you can overcome this then i think you will have a very fruitful life together....

[Micki_Finn]

Yeah there's no secret bullet and you're just setting yourself for a whole lot more pain in the future. There is about 0% chance that your marriage is happy.

[Jenny22]

As Mikell touched on it, perhaps Premarital counseling with a therapist knowledgeable in gender variant issues will help both of you. Your SO may be the sweetest person, but she's not the only girl in your life. She needs to know from a professional that your need to be that other girl will never go away. If she can't accept that, do not marry. You'll lie, and hide your dressing. At some point in your lives, the truth will out and then the Schidt will hit the fan. You'll both be miserable.

[jennifer0918]

This is a tough one she knows about you dressing but does she know about the mechanics behind it all? CDing does not work like she thinks ,I feel she thinks you just do it maybe for a fetish or some sort of thrill and she has no understanding that we are born like this ,we do not choose to dress in womans clothing,this is not a choice but a part of us. For me CDing is like air and water I need it to be alive. The day I could live without breathing, the day I could live without water,then I will have my last purge. Till then these leggs were ment for walking. Good luck ,keep us informed.

[Julogden]

Do NOT get married until you resolve your differences, don't even think about it. You need to work out your gender/dressing issues before getting involved in a serious relationship, and then once you know who you are and what you need, be honest with prospective partners, and look for someone who likes you because of who you are, not someone who likes you in spite of who you are, BIG difference between the two,

I speak from personal experience as well as being familiar with the experiences of many others, this does not go away.

[LeannS]

Chloe
Please reconsider your decision to get married to your girlfriend. Chloe it won't work out when she finds out your dressing again she will be gone like the wind
and you have a dam big lawyer bill, kids well that you get to pay child support it is not fun be there done it so I advise others.
It would be better for all concerned to separate at this point. You say you love her tell her your still crossdressing and see where that gets you.
Be truthful with her. Enjoy your time alone and dress when you want.
Think with your head and not the other, the other will lead you down a road that will end very soon.

But it is your life and it is your right to ruin it.

leann

[Littleg2]

Chloe,

I am posting from a gf point of view, I hope that's alright. I am also very new to all of this, so please bare with me...

I am curious how in depth you have discussed your CD'ing with your fiancee? Will she talk about it at all, or does she just shut you down? Is she repulsed by it (I really don't like that word, but one I have heard in relation to this situation.), or coming across as misunderstanding of it? I am wondering where her dislike of it comes from and perhaps with some therapy/counselling, do you believe she would be alright with it?

I wouldn't want you, or anyone, to have to live their lives in the cloak of lies and deceit because something takes hold of you that you are powerless to stop because it is you. Or live in misery trying desperately to give that up to please your SO. That seems unhealthy, and heartbreaking, but so does ending a 10 year relationship.

I would hope if she loves and respects you, she will listen, really listen to you, and come to her own understanding of what you need in life. Good luck to you, I hope it all works out for the best, however that is.

[Tracii G]

Getting married will not solve the problem just create more.
I am going to be brutally honest and its just my opinion so don't get mad because its not me just being an a hole.
What is wrong with you ??
The woman you want to marry hates a part of you?
You say you love her yet you lie to her about dressing?
Thats like a woman that stays with a man even tho he beats her every day and uses the excuse "but I love him" to justify staying.


You need to think long and hard about what you are getting into.

[carhill2mn]

It is much simpler and less painful in the long run to separate now rather than after a few years of marriage. Divorce is painful and expensive.

[Judy-Somthing]

Good luck.

[Maria_mtf]

Since you have slowly added to your collection without her knowing you are lying to her. Surely it's a given lies and marriages don't work? (In my experience withholding the truth is lying). I see two options:

1. You need to talk to her and stop lying, set bounderies etc.
2. Keep lying and confess in future and potentially ruin her life with your lies.

Sorry sounds harsh but it's not fair on her for you to not be yourself.

[paulinescotlandcd]

Just walk away...or jog if you prefer.

[Lindajane]

Chloe.
If she would be open to visiting here, doing some honest investigating and finding out for herself what this is about. we are not all a bunch of frankenfurters.
I wrote a bio. Explaining when this all started for me and how i learned to come to terms with it.It helped, face to face confrontations are difficult for me.
All the best. Linda

- - - Updated - - -


Since you have slowly added to your collection without her knowing you are lying to her. Surely it's a given lies and marriages don't work? (In my experience withholding the truth is lying). I see two options:

1. You need to talk to her and stop lying, set bounderies etc.
2. Keep lying and confess in future and potentially ruin her life with your lies.

Sorry sounds harsh but it's not fair on her for you to not be yourself.

This is great advice. Hey. Wheres the like button?

[MelanieAnne]

The dressing will get stronger after marriage, because the sex will get old after a while, when it's always there. You will then turn more to your dressing for whatever reasons, variety, turn on, etc. Proceeding with the marriage is not a good idea. Calling off the marriage is cheaper than a divorce. You already know she doesn't approve of your dressing. It will become even more of an issue after the marriage. This is something you simply cannot give up to please the wife. You can purge. You can tell yourself you are over it. But it will come back with a vengeance. Plan your life accordingly.

[Aunt Kelly]

I won't tell you not to get married, but if she is worth taking as your wife, you both need to come to terms with this. Marriage will not "fix" you. Continuing to hide it will only make showdown bloodier when it comes, and it will. Counseling might help, so you should use that resource before making any further commitments.

[Invisible Emily]

Seems like discussing this before marriage is the best possible option. Better now then later.

[Amy Lynn3]

Wow, you have already gotten some very good advise and I recommend you take it. I will only add the following. It would be in your best interest to place the issue where it needs to be. That is with your fiancee. Sit her down and tell her cding is a part of you that can not be done away with. Tell her even if you get married you will still be a crossdresser for life. Allow her to say yes it will be okay to marry with this being in our relationship or she can call off the marriage. She is the only one I see who has control of the situation, as to how it ends up. Plain talking at this stage is the only way to solve this issue, but if you allow it to continue it will end up in a train wreck. The very best to you and her, as you both have a monumental decision to make.:2c:

[sweetdreams]

Chloe. As so many have already pointed out. Do not get married until you work this out. This will only get uglier.

[Rachelakld]

2 choices with the marriage - 1) she will be very unhappy or 2) you will be very unhappy.

With marriages - it's best if it at least starts, with BOTH being very happy - and even that is not a guarentee of a long marriage.

Save yourself and the one you love from a lot and decades of pain - walk away.

[Tracii G]

Pretty solid advice so far and 99% of the replies lean in the same direction so that is a pretty rare thing around here.
Have you ever been married before? If not then you have no idea what you are in for even if you never CD again in your life.
You can be a bull headed man and not take the advice but don't say we didn't warn you.

[Lilly Diadem]

Plenty of good advice so far so no need for me to repeat.

I wish you the very best of luck with whatever you choose but I guess you will not be able to repress what you really are without being deeply unhappy and that can have a very destructive effect on all involved.

[mbmeen12]

What do you do?

Get married, be confused, hide in the closet. Get your suit case bring it to the motel and dress. Apx 15 years later assets grow she divorces you and lose thousands in IRA retirement.

Other hand, find a GF who loves you for being you and will even buy a summer dress for you. Loves the personae of the person.

Whoops that is my story.....

[Nicole Erin]

I was married before my now ex found out. We were married for years, but when we finally got divorced, my TG life was one of her main reasons for wanting to split. Clean divorce though, no assets to split, we just could no longer deal with each others' BS. Stories about divorce because of being TG are not uncommon on this forum or real life.

So what should you do? Hold off on marriage for now. All marriage does is put the state in bed with a couple. You can still have a relationship, go out, have romantic time alone etc... no need for some legal paper that is gonna cause nothing but problems. What is even the benefit of marrying these days? Many people wish they had NOT married but few ever say they wish they had.
Do you really wanna be legally bound to someone who is trying to control your life?

Even if say you did marry and you two reached some kind of agreement about your CD'ing (as some here have), what kind of enjoyment would you even get out of dressing up knowing you have to follow a bunch of strict rules? Screw that.

[Bailee]

If you manage to give it up, you will end up resenting her. If you start dressing in secret, sooner or later she'll discover it and you'll be the bad guy for hiding it. If she makes a compromise, shes going to feel you forced her into a position she's not happy with, and is going to resent you. Been there, done that, never again.

Her idea of a happy married life obviously doesn't have a cross dresser in it, and if she's anything like my ex, she'll spend her time with you trying to change you into her ideal man. Is that the life you want? You're not broken, you don't need fixing, and you deserve happiness just like every one else. Obviously I can only speak from my experience, but you need to give this some serious thought before you lock yourself into something that will cause you both a lot of pain, and cost you a lot of money down the road.

When you marry someone, it should be with someone who loves you for who and what you are, panties and all!

[Sarasometimes]

Find out where she is at with you continuing to dress after marriage because as you know first hand you don't feel you can stop (few if any can). Maybe if you can afford it talk to a gender therapist and invite her to a later session after you have a better handle on where you are on the spectrum and your likely needs.
If she can't live with it and you can't live without it, sadly you aren't made for each other. Till death due you part is usually a long time.

[Leslie Langford]

... She knows about my CD but she does not like it...She got mad and since I love her, I purged. But you know those feeling never gone. I still want to dress up. I love her so much. I told my self if I love her I would sacrifice things for her. After those purge, slowly I added back my collection without her knowing.:eek: We are planning to get married soon, I am afraid that I can't control this desire...What do you do?

Very solid, down-to-earth advice being given here, and you would be wise to listen to the voice(s) of experience, especially from those of us here trapped in DADT H*ll.

They say love conquers all. Maybe. But what I am seeing here is a (reluctant) willingness on your part to put your CDing on the back burner for the sake of harmonious relations with your GF and potential wife-to-be. Very noble and well-intentioned on your part, but all I can say is good luck with that.

I am a realist, and what I am not detecting here is an equal willingness by your GF to accommodate your needs with respect to your crossdressing. Is she really that rich, and is the sex really so spectacular that you would make all these sacrifices for her, just to settle for a miserable life of subservience on her terms...and for what? Love??? As the saying goes, there are plenty of fish in the sea...

You need to think your plans for marriage through very thoroughly here and look hard before you leap.

[Tracii G]

I don't think you know what you are getting into to be honest.
Marriage is not about you in her eyes its about her and what she wants and what she expects you to do for her. She showed her cards when you said she doesn't like your crossdressing.
She is not showing you respect at all so you want to marry a woman like that?

Just think what would happen if she was under the impression you were going to get married and she came to you and said honey lets set a date for the wedding and you said no I don't think so you don't respect me and you expect me to banish a part of me because you don't like it.
Mention something about her that annoys the living bejessus out of you and tell her she has to change see how that works.
Right then she will know you aren't going to take her crap.

[barbara gordon]

Talk about it now with her. Try to include her in your ideas about dressing and try to spend some time with her dressed as your femself. I started my marriage with the same thought that i could chamge my desire to dresa.. it ended terribly and 5 years after moving out i am still likcing my wounds from my divorce ... i loved her / she loved me , but neither of us could manage my crossdressing as part of our life together..... take the risk now to be clear and honest about gender crossings now instead of waiting for a bigger hurt later

[MelanieAnne]

You only get one life. Don't waste it!

[raeleen]

i'd suggest couples counseling. find a therapist that you know is experienced working with trans/gender issues and discuss your dressing in a space where you'll have a mediator. definitely get this sorted out before marriage. have conversations. be open and real about what you can do. don't try to soft-sell or make it seem like it's not as much as it actually is.

even with honesty, it might be a lot of work and a significant challenge. but if you talk now, you'll save both of you lots of heartbreak and tears later.

good luck, hun

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Chloe, you're aware of her feelings on the subject and of yours. Marrying this person under the present circumstances is inviting future regret.

You should be totally honest with her, and hope that her love for you will be enough to at least get her to consider acceptance. If it isn't, I'm sorry to say that I think you are kidding yourself if you think you have a long term future together.

[Ressie]

Who popped the question?

[Bobbi46]

Chloe, There's a can of worms to be opened up later! if she has told you she does not like you dressing and you got rid of your clothes and now you have got more and she does not know, what on earth is the point of getting married? Your life will not be any better than it is now if not worse. If she is not accepting to the situation as it is now it will never be any better in the future.
Do you honestly want to be in a DADT situation? pussy footing around and grabbing those odd moments to dress hoping she does not come home earlier and catch you!
You have two choices go down the road you are now and have some form of difficulty later or to quote a saying, cut and run. Find somebody else who is more tolerant, more understanding to our cause and more accepting.

[Ressie]

Cut and run sounds a little drastic since they've been together for 10 years Bobbi. Other than that, you have very good points.

A heart to heart discussion about the future of crossdressing and the future of the relationship is needed. Crossdressing is a proclivity of the OP and proclivities should be supported and accepted be both parties in a relationship. The OP should also support her equally with her desires. When one spouse doesn't allow the other to do what makes them happy, there's no sense in getting married IMHO.

So doing everything possible to help her understand the life of a CD is imperative. She could join the forum in order to talk with other GG spouses. If she still can't get on board at that point, remain friends if you want but don't tie the knot.

[Leelou]

To me all the good advice already given boils down to you've got to tell her. I also agree that the relationship is far from over. After 10 years and an engagement you owe it to both of you to give her a chance to accept your dressing at some level going onto the marriage. Maybe she hasn't thought about counseling so absolutely offer to go with her and encourage her to go alone in addition to the couples counseling if she's like.

Best wishes to you both,
Leelou

[ellbee]

chloe, she needs to know -- before you get married.

You two need to talk. Like, now.


Don't push anything on her. But be sure to be open & honest.

Everything that you stated in your OP would be a good start -- and even necessary.


Good luck, and please keep us updated. :)

[Leslie Langford]

chloe, I know that this is going to sound shallow, but I'm giving myself permission to be that way for a moment since I did post a more serious and thoughtful response above, so I've already done my due diligence here. :)

Putting all the sage advice already given here aside, dang it, Girl!...you're gorgeous and very passable, based on all the pictures you've already posted to this site. It would therefore be a great disservice to the world to keep you indoors permanently if you find yourself dealing with a non-supportive wife in the future, not to mention the mere fact of stopping dressing en femme altogether and attempting to shove your feminine side back into the closet so deeply that it would resemble being in a black hole. That's bound to leave a mark.

The world needs more "chloes" out there to represent us TG folks in a positive light, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

[char GG]

Absolutely work this out! Don't keep secrets. Don't make promises that you already know that you can't keep. It may be a hard decision now but it will be a harder decision later. If you "can't control the desire" then purging is just a lie to you and your GF. I would suggest that you put off the wedding and and wait longer or move on.

I realize that you love her but is that enough to continue this relationship?

[Di]

I agree with CharGG

Another GG pov please do not go forward getting married till you are truthful with yourself and her. Your first mistake was purging you need to be man or woman enough to tell the truth/ get her to understand .... Instead you made it seem like it was a choice and something you can stop.
You need to sort this out and have her understand and figure out how to go forward together . If you can not do this then do not get married . It seems hard to do now but trust me when it comes out later ( and it will) it will be a lot worse and much more involved.

[Glenda58]

Don't do it till you 2 have it worked out. You will always be a crossdresser . You might be able to stop for a year or more but it will come back then the trouble will begin . I'm telling you from experience. Been there it's not fun.

[Amanda Monica]

Honesty and communication. If you don't have it now, you never truly will. I finally came out to my wife after 23 years of marriage. Luckily, she is understanding and supportive. But that's partly because we already had a strong marriage. But if I could roll back the clock, I would have be upfront right away. If it's a major, unresolvable issue now, that's a a signal of things to come. And it's not a part of you that you can turn off like a light switch. At least it's not like that for me. Good luck. Keep us posted.

[LeannS]

You know what I find interesting is that Chole hasn't even responded to anything here.
I did notice that she did respond to another post but nothing here she has a lot of great responses here.

whats up with that??

leann

[jacques]

my advice - never lie to yourself and never lie to your wife. Don't promise what you cannot deliver.
marriage is accepting each other as you really are and both being able to compromise.

luv J

[Tracii G]

I found her lack of response kind of odd too.
Maybe she didn't like the comments who knows.

[TrishaLake]

I think Stephanie has this right....its best to come clean now. DADT is great when it first happens because it is better than nothing but everyone gets tired of it...and wants more.

and Rachel was even closer to the mark...see a therapist together and talk ti out.

[mykell]

chloe, i get the lack of acknowledgement.

i find the responses harsh but valid, you asked, we offered, not what you expected im sure.....time to reflect and admit some truths.

i hope you appreciate the harsh truth that we offered by your peers.....take some time to digest it....use it to your advantage....hope the results are validating....

[SHINY-J]

Need your advice gals,
Me and my GF have been in relationship in 10 years. She knows about my CD but she does not like it. We live separately and last year she found out that I am still CDing. She got mad and since I love her, I purged. But you know those feeling never gone. I still want to dress up. I love her so much. I told my self if I love her I would sacrifice things for her. After those purge, slowly I added back my collection without her knowing.:eek:
We are planning to get married soon, I am afraid that I can't control this desire. For those who is married and have a non supportive wife. What do you do?

I did pretty much the exact same thing with my EX... pretty important to note that she's the EX now... the only difference is that I purged before we got married as we were moving in together and I had no way to hide my stash. It's still one of my biggest regrets in life as I had literally about ten thousand dollars worth of clothes, heels, boots, wigs, etc... that I hastily and thoughtlessly tossed into a dumpster in the middle of nowhere out of fear that she would discover it. They were my favorite dressing style from the late 90s and early 2000's where there was a lot of bimbo fashion that I love in shiny, wet look fabrics and wild colors. I'll never be able to find them again. It still haunts me to this day...

At any rate, I threw out everything gurly that had and moved in... we planned on getting married a little over a year later... still engaged and about 6 months before the wedding, we were back home after a wild, fun Saturday night and we'd both had a lot to drink . We both got into an emotional talk about how happy we were and how much we loved each other... etc... we were in a great deep discussion and it was evident it was bringing us closer together... well, I felt unbelievably close to her and it felt like the stars aligned and this was the perfect time to tell her about my dressing... and it didn't go over well... at all. I didn't even come completely clean about it... I didn't tell her the extent I dressed, how extensive and expensive my gurly wardrobe was.... how much I enjoyed it and how I still had the desire to do it... etc... I just mentioned that I used to have some satin panties that I loved to wear and I would occasionally wear a pair of heels ... her demeanor IMMEDIATELY did a 180... the entire dynamic of the conversation changed and I'd have to say that our relationship did as well...

Although, I hated to ignore it, and tried to bring it up several times to explain my desires and reassure her it had no effect on my feelings for her or my sexuality, it never led anywhere positive and just seemed to open up an old "wound" for her... so, We sort of never brought it up and talked about it anymore... except for when we got into the typical husband/wife spat over the usual marriage problems... bills,... in-laws,.... work,... etc. then, she would use it against me to hurt me... because I still had my dressing desires which I kept secret from her, the fight usually stopped there as I would just walk away...

I ALWAYS placed her first and did anything and everything I could to make her happy and be the best husband I could be.. but, Obviously, she want very understanding or empathetic to my feelings... and she didn't respect me AT ALL... so the inevitable happened and we separated and filed for divorce... and of course, she threatened to use my dressing desire against me to gain leverage in the divorce...

I guess what it boils down to is that you REALLY need to address this before you get married... it will not get any better by waiting... and I honestly haven't EVER come across a CD - no matter how intense or how casual their dressing desires are - who has quit cold turkey and never had the urge again... once it's there, it's there...

I'm guessing that if you're this deep into the relationship and plans are set to get married, that you're going to end up purging, hiding your desires, and getting married anyway- despite whaT EVERYONE on this board is telling you.. you probably feel like you've been together too long,.. wedding plans are set..., family and friends all know... etc.. and that you're too far in to back out now or tell her about it your dressing as it will blow up in your face...

But I can promise you that you're just putting a band-aid on a gunshot wound... it will surface again and the stakes will be even higher.... You're just prolonging the inevitable.