Tiring sometimes..

[Tamsin Secret]

This secret life we lead for those in the closet and in DADT relationships.

Does anyone else feel a little drained by it all?

I'm going through quite a strong set of emotions right now about dressing and what it means to me.

Just sometimes feels like I'm leading a double life (in certain respects I am I suppose)

It's just with all the day to day stuff you have to deal with family, work, friends, etc etc the times you should be switching off are filled with the thoughts of guilt, wanting to tell, wanting to express the suppressed side of you...

Not forgetting the dresses, heels, make up, going out that keep flying round your head all the time.

Someone reassure me I'm not going mad!!!!

[Joanne Curl]

It is so hard when you can tell anyone, especially your loved ones. But it really is part of you and in my case, you jyst learn to accept it and acknowlege that its not ever going to go away.

[LeannS]

Secret your going mad at times it feels like juggling

Double life oh yes my girl side and my guy side and sometimes they intermingle which isn't often and it is by me not watching what I am doing.
not forgetting where you left all your things, is everything picked up and put away so yes it is hard

Leann

[CONSUELO]

I have written about this before. I believe that keeping an important part of who you are hidden from friends and family is a great strain. You are indeed leading a double life. Many people lead double lives for various reasons and it is very stressful as you have to keep your life in sealed compartments.
You are not going mad. This is a part of being a cross dresser for many of us. That is why we come to this site, so that we can speak more openly about our hidden selves and by doing so feel less alone.

[Sarah Louise]

Yes, I know what you mean. When I was in the closet, it was quite stressful at times. So much better if you come clean - but only if you get acceptance on some level. And there's no guarantee that it will go well. You are best placed to know the likely outcome and for many they still don't no what the likely outcome is. So this stresses you out too.

I suggest that if you can, don't be afraid to take a break for a while. Put things away and do something else that interests you.

[Jaylyn]

It is hard even if your out to the wife. My wife doesn't mind a little dressing from time to time, but she's not into it on a daily basis. I usually wear my panties almost daily though. I think she realizes that when its time for laundry. I throw mine in with hers then try to separate them out and get them out of the dryer. I usually fold them and put hers in one pile n mine in the other. By me folding and putting hers on her dresser and putting mine in my drawer it seems to make it a better relationship.
If your not out then I can understand it is a hard way to enjoy dressing to the full extent. An understanding wife is worth her weight in gold...

[vicky_cd99_2]

While I do have a very understanding wife. My guy side is completely a separate life. The two shall not cross. Could be very violent in some spaces. Plus it would end all relationships with my family.

Drained, yes sometimes. If I go to long without dressing I become bitchy. I can only grow my body hair back in short spurts. Which I just shaved today after being at a family reunion. I wish I could be open about it but it is not possible. So I dress when I can and go with it form there.

[CarlaWestin]

One time I was told that it was just excess baggage to carry through life. I think that's a terribly misleading suggestion. I look at it more as having an extra life and a fabulous way to express myself.

[kimdl93]

Drained, exhausted, world weary, defeated....I could probably think of a few other terms. In a word though, yes.

[DIANEF]

Just sometimes feels like I'm leading a double life

Wow, I can so identify with that.

[Lindajane]

MissSecret.
I understand what you are going through. She said no, its been a while since you could go all out. The inner conflict can be maddening yes. It doesnt have to be that way. You will be ok if you take a step back and look at this in a less emotional way.
When i was going through the same thing, i streamlined the whole thing. How i think and feel about it, how much of my time i allow it to have, I actually appreciate it more when i havnt dressed in while. When i dress i provide myself with a pre determined ammount of quality time, i allow myself just a few outfits that can be easily taken out and put away. When my time is up, though its tough sometimes, i know it will be ok because i can look forward to the next outing.
I have a secret also, maybe its not the best thing to do, but i have made it work for 17 years. Dang, if i gave her everything, whats left for me.. i like having my secrets, i like having a private part of me thats just for me.Yes there are times when i just want to shout it out, and i do, but only in the right places and times.
I control this thing, i dont let it control me, there is a good chance its not going away. If it does it may not be forever,
So,
I have made a place for all parts of who i am, i nurture them in their own environment. they dont need to know eachother or even get along, but i keep everything in its place and i have been able to keep my girl and my woman.

Of course all this is only my own perspective. And i dont recommend anyone to do it this way, i am only relating what has worked for me.

I often find myself in envy of those here that can go out as they please and have supportive s o. That must be nice but thats not me and it has taken me a long time to be ok with myself and how i learned to work this out on my own.
I hope you do work this out in way that benefits all the ones you love and those who truly love you. And i hope one of those people can be yourself.

Jane.

[Karen's Secret]

Although my wife has always known about my crossdressing (30+ years) and is very accepting in many ways, I am still very paranoid about my secret getting out. This has been with me since childhood which sadly has had a lasting negative impact on me. As a young teen male, I would have to dress while no one was home and was always in fear of someone knocking on the door or a family member coming home unexpectedly. This stayed with me as an adult and to this day I do not want anyone... friends, coworkers, or neighbors, coming to my house or knocking on the door. I intentionally keep people away out of the fear that if they feel comfortable stopping by unannounced then someday someone will just show up while I'm dressed.

[Tahoegurl]

I think it is a bit of a double life if you are not fully out and living full time. unfortunately our society is still really judgmental. I would love o be able to dress and go where ever but I can't given my career choice. so for now I dress at home with a supportive wife and then just admire women wearing an outfit I would like to try when I am out at work.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

How do you think you might reduce the stress and turmoil?

If life seems overwhelming, or you're being troubled by guilt - do something about it. Stress kills.

[Bobbi46]

Stop worrying! what's there to worry about? this is our life as it should be yours enjoy your dressing for all it gives you, forget the worry about is it right is it wrong and all of that stuff. Put it behind you and enjoy what you have got

[GretchenM]

Hi MissSecret,

I am a bit like LindaJane explains. For me, I can only dress when my wife goes away for a few days AND I am in the feminine mode. Those don't always correspond. Dressing when my identity is in male mode is uncomfortable. A lot of the time, especially in the summer, I am neutral and really don't have a sense of gender identity. Being retired I can dress very casual, but the femme part can only be incorporated when Gretchen is dominant. In the fall and winter the feminine seems to be present a lot more and my needs increase.

It is a difficult existence when opportunity and desire don't occur at the same time. My wife knows all about my gender issues and is accepting, but not really what one would call supportive. But the DADT agreement favors her wishes and not mine. That can be difficult sometimes. All that said, I have adapted. I sometimes include feminine colors in my masculine attire. That helps, but it is no answer. My wife is fine with that.

Are you going mad? Not at all. It is an effect of gender dysphoria or as one therapist suggested "gender expression deprivation disorder." Although that is a good description, the suggestion never stuck.

Keeping secrets is always stressful, whether it is conscious or mostly sub-conscious. The thought pattern is always there lurking back in the corner when it is not out in the conscious mind. It affects the behavior in that the possessor of the secret must always be vigilant to some degree, whether conscious or not. Not a real healthy way to live, but it won't kill you. As you age adaptation becomes easier, but it is never easy. It is far better to release the secret by disclosure and then adapt to what people think and to respect their wishes and yours with compromises. That is pretty much where I am and it isn't too bad except when desires and needs rise to a fevered pitch and there is no way to address it openly and freely. I can get pretty moody at those times. It all comes down to effective management when one has this characteristic. Of course, at the root is the generalized social non-acceptance of this behavior. That is changing, but the social views are not necessarily the same as the views of a particular individual and what they believe should and should not happen. That is where truth and compromise comes into play. That is better, but still far from ideal.

Gretchen

[Teresa]

MissS,
In or out the closet and in a DADT situation will lead to a double life it's inevitable .

I asked the question a while ago about this subject, even now I'm out socially it's still a double life, I have friends that know about my dressing and many now who have seen me, that part doesn't bother me anymore . My wife still chooses not to see it so I have to work round the problems it creates. That part can be tiring and frustrating, but once dressed and out I feel like a different person , OK so I am because I'm out as Teresa .

I appreciate you do need to come out and talk to people , most of us are good listeners ,and no your not mad , just desperate to be more open with your dressing needs .

[Barbara Black]

I know it is something that will always be there, and always be coupled with strife, but I can't see hiding it more than necessary. With my wife, I keep my clothes separate and do my own laundry, leaving her my male socks to do, which I believe would be worse than doing my panties. I don't see it as being any different than an interest in arts, sports, or anything else that someone does occasionally, or frequently. It's just a part of who I am and what i choose to do.

[Fiona123]

I feel the same way. Being closeted & dadt can be exhausting. I experience insomnia and depression. Starting couples therapy at a uni based gender clinic. We'll see.

[Teresa]

Fiona,
Best of luck , I hope it goes well for you . Don't hold back be honest and no BS, they are there to help you , let them do their job with all the help you can give them .

[Stephanie47]

Yes, tiring sometimes. Really really exhausting other times. Before I retired I had to take a "therapy day" off from work so Stephanie could come out and play. Being in a closet or in a DADT marriage can be different. My wife knows but is not accepting. I can deal with that because I have had opportunity to express myself. My wardrobe is fairly extensive, but, it stored in sight in our converted garage. I would love to be able to share it with my wife. But, alas, it's not going to happen. I really do not have any desire to don a summer dress and heels and makeup & wig and stroll through the neighborhood.

I dress when I have a psychological need to do so. When the need arises it is very frustrating not to be able to seek relief of stress through being Stephanie. I do think each person has some DNA of the other sex. As a retiree the stresses induced by work or finances are not there. And, since my wife went through breast cancer therapies it seems my male protective side is stronger and thus has moderated my female side.

I've never been in a situation where my wife does not know of my cross dressing. We discovered it together. I've never had to hide my lingerie. Yes, my wardrobe has grown immensely and she does not know about its extent, but, that is her choice. I just shake my head when I read of those on this forum who have to hide a bare minimum of feminine clothing in a suitcase in the attic or trunk of a car. I feel for those tortured to that extent.

[Lana Mae]

You are not going Mad! We all have these thoughts! There are degrees to the closet: DADT, only dress at home, only out sometimes, and must be a guy at work(plus more that I may not have thought of). Unless you are full time 24/7, you will have the double life! It is definately a balancing act!(family, friends, social commitments, etc.) Take strength in knowing you are not alone in this! Hugs Lana Mae

[Tamsin Secret]

Thank you all for your responses.

I just had one of those days yesterday.

This is the strongest phase I have been through so far in my life.

I think it's trepidation....

Perhaps I will ride this phase out but when it comes again I may have to be honest about what I do so I can at least not hide it in the boot of my car anymore.

It's almost demoralising.

But with that honesty comes a whole host of unpredictable outcomes and I'm not sure I'm ready to face those yet.

It's simple for me. I wish to share this with my wife in the hope that sometimes we can enjoy it together in some ways a little or a lot.

If not I will totally understand but at least I may then be able to at least have a few more things and a little more appropriate place to keep them than a couple of carrier bags hidden at the bottom of some boxes in the boot.

I will be ok, always am, just letting it out a little helps I suppose,

Thanks all again,

Miss S

[Kandi Robbins]

You are certainly not going mad. While I am not in a DADT relationship (full support), I do still live that double life and it can be exhilarating, joyful, life affirming and totally exhausting. The time that I would normally dedicate to rest (needed at my advanced age) is now filled with my female activities, which include significant amounts of prep time, travel and post-activity clean up, let alone all the mental time thinking through wardrobe options and activity planning. Whew!

[Tina_gm]

DADT agreements tiring... sure, but far less tiring than total secrecy.

[Bobbi46]

Gendermutt has it, DADT at least with the situation out in the open the worry of secrecy and of things being found is no longer there, better than keeping it secret and some time long into the future BOOM its out in the open the wrong way one wanted it happen.