Another small milestone on the path to full-time

[AlyssaJ]

This past week I had to be in the Philadelphia area on business most of the week. I was flying alone and staying in a hotel alone, so I figured what the hell, I'm going to spend the entire trip, except for when I'm at my client's site, being truly authentic. Before I left, I realized that thanks to my recent weight loss, I no longer have any men's dress pants that fit. So I went and bought a few pair of women's dress pants that could easily be mistaken as men's.

The day I flew out was one hell of a roller coaster. I was in a bad mood when I woke up because I was still dealing with news from the day before that my idiot father-in-law had outed me in a comment on Facebook (that's a whole other topic, luckily not to many people I know will see that comment). So that's when I made the final decision to go for it this week. I got up and packed my suitcase with everything I'd need to spend every waking moment presenting as me. I of course threw in the male clothes I'd need to have for the client site as well.

Flying out of my home airport, TSA was a breeze as usual. No issues and pre-check definitely helps with that. But then I decided to stop at an airport restaurant for food and things got a little rocky. Per their sign, I sat myself, but as I was picking my table noticed what appeared to be a bit of a glare from one of the servers. I ended up sitting for 10 minutes with no one so much as bringing me a menu until finally I stopped a server and asked what it took to get a menu. She assured me she'd get it taken care of and that there was just some confusion over whose section I was in. Thankfully, once I got a server, she was terrific and did an amazing job. The flight itself went great, I had a first class upgrade (thank you Delta) and the woman I sat next to was super friendly. It was really awesome when the flight attendant asked me "Can I get you something to drink Ms. Smith" (my real last name hidden for privacy).

When I got to the Atlanta airport, things got rough again. First, I had to go to the bathroom which was just packed. I felt totally intimidated, like an enemy in a foreign land. No one said or did anything negative, it was likely all just in my head but still, it sucked. Then on my way back to the gate, I made eye contact with an old woman sitting at another gate and she started laughing out loud. I just looked ahead, kept my head high and continued walking proud, but the damage was done. I started crying when I got to my gate area and sat down. On the next flight I hoped to sit next to another friendly woman, but as I boarded saw a man sitting in the seat next to mine, UGH. Well I shouldn't have jumped to conclusions. He ended up being super friendly and chatty. We talked a lot and he even got a little flirty. I found I really enjoyed it. After we landed, the gentleman sitting in the row ahead of me saw me reaching for my suitcase in the overhead bin. He politely asked if he could help me with it, and I accepted. What a terrifically affirming gesture.

Next stop the rental car facility. I picked out my car and drove to the gate. The woman there took my license and credit card, asked the usual questions about fuel and insurance, and then looked at me and then my id. She asked what my birthday is, and I told her the date and pointed out my birthday was 4 days away. She said "I'm sorry, but I have to ask because well....." and then she gestured to me and then my id. I told her I completely understood. As she handed my things back to me she said "You look absolutely stunning Ms. Smith, have a terrific night". I went crazy as I pulled away. So amazingly affirming once again.

The rest of the trip went well. The hotel folks properly gendered me throughout my stay. I went to dinners at a couple local restaurants and was treated very well. At the client, no one seemed to detect that I was wearing women's pants. So everything seemed to go smoothly. Back at the Philly airport, the TSA agent checking my ID said "Now I need to make sure this is you. Eyes, I love your eyes BTW, Nose, OK". Then she showed me my ID and asked me to smile the same way, I did my best, it was a pained smile in my picture on my license, I no longer have a problem genuinely smiling so it was tough to replicate. Good enough apparently and I was on my way. Trips to the bathrooms in every airport (PHL, ATL & MKE) all without issue. No issues on the plane or in the terminals. All in all a completely awesome trip from start to finish, save for a few rough little patches. So awesome to look back now and realize the level of progress I've made in such a short time :D

[Rachel Smith]

Sounds like a wonderful trip to me.

As far as the woman laughing I think we, TG's, worry too much about that and assume it's ALWAYS us they are laughing at when in fact we don't know. It may have been you then again it may just as well not have been, don't assume. I myself and guilty of this and it's been 3 years since I transitioned.

Hugs
Rachel

[Pat]

Wonderful! I remember when you first came to the site and you were fearful and unsure. Now look at you! You're totally awesome! Congratulations. Both for pursuing the life you wanted and for living it. ;)

[Mirya]

When I got to the Atlanta airport, things got rough again. First, I had to go to the bathroom which was just packed. I felt totally intimidated, like an enemy in a foreign land. No one said or did anything negative, it was likely all just in my head but still, it sucked.

Maybe you already have one, but you may want to ask your therapist to write you a 'safe passage' letter so you can carry it around with you. Typically the letter states your name, the therapist's name and contact information, and a brief explanation that you're undergoing a gender transition. I carried a letter with me until I changed my name and ID's, and it helped give me the confidence I needed back then, especially when I had to use a women's restroom.

[kimdl93]

Truly an amazing emergence over the past year. Sorry about the idiot in-law. My guess is that by now, even without his FB assistance, the word has gotten around. What is important is how you're moving ahead! Way to go!

[AlyssaJ]

Sounds like a wonderful trip to me.

As far as the woman laughing I think we, TG's, worry too much about that and assume it's ALWAYS us they are laughing at when in fact we don't know. It may have been you then again it may just as well not have been, don't assume. I myself and guilty of this and it's been 3 years since I transitioned.

Hugs
Rachel

These are wise words and something I'm always conscious of. My mind, like I'm sure many of ours, does tend to go there first when I hear laughter around me. So I've made it a deliberate effort to just dismiss it, assuming that it has nothing to do with me. However, in this case, like I said we made eye contact and it was pretty damned clear what she was laughing it. That said, I got through it. I was already a little vulnerable after the anxiety I felt while going to the bathroom (and then I also felt kind of disappointed in myself for getting so worked up about it) so yeah it got to me. But ultimately I'm proud of the fact that I got through it, stayed the course and ended up enjoying a number of truly affirming experiences as a result. :D


Maybe you already have one, but you may want to ask your therapist to write you a 'safe passage' letter so you can carry it around with you. Typically the letter states your name, the therapist's name and contact information, and a brief explanation that you're undergoing a gender transition. I carried a letter with me until I changed my name and ID's, and it helped give me the confidence I needed back then, especially when I had to use a women's restroom.

I've thought about asking her for one, but so far I haven't really encountered a situation where I felt like it would have helped. Ultimately, it's not like such a letter carries any legal power. Honestly, my issue in the bathroom wasn't about legality or anything anyway. I was more worried that some woman would get offended by my presence and feel emboldened enough to make a scene about it. With less busy bathrooms, it's easy to get in and out with minimal encounters and just mind your own business. Not so in this case, the bathroom was swarming with women. It ended up all just being something I built up in my head over nothing.

[Bria]

Just as there is a first time to go out in public dressed, and live through it, there is a first time to go to the ladies room when it is swarming with people and live through that. Later when we looked back on that first time in public and wondered why we were so anxious, so you will look back on your experience and think why was I so anxious? You have passed one more milestone!!

Overall it sounds like a great trip, thanks for relating your experience.

Hugs, Bria

[Mirya]

I wonder how many trans women on these forums have actually been confronted by other cis women in the women's restroom? I'd imagine that the number is very low or maybe even zero. It's far more likely that a man will say something as you are going in or coming out.

The reason I say that is because there are very strong social pressures for women not to complain or make a fuss about anything, regardless of how right or wrong they are. Women who complain or become whistle blowers are seen as bit**es and troublemakers. They are often faced with retribution (mostly by men) for acting that way. Unfortunately I've learned this the hard way myself and have since become more mindful of when I speak out. Of course, when a man speaks up to correct an error, he is seen as showing how valuable he is. This is why it's so common for women to complain to each other (about other people) when in the exclusive company of other women - because it's the only safe place to do so.

The exceptions to this rule are really young women (teenagers) and really old women (senior citizens, like the old woman in Alyssa's story). The former lacks the experience, and the latter doesn't care anymore.

[Heidi Stevens]

Congratulations on a very good first trip all around. (I know you had them at the business meeting!) Brie's list of "first time" events will always have us on edge when we execute them. I'm still waiting for my first time to fly pretty and I find myself overthinking each of the hurdles we all face flying: getting through security, renting a car, etc. By all accounts, you did fantastic! You should be proud.

[AlyssaJ]

Heidi, this was my third trip so far traveling authentically. I'm certainly happy to help if there's more about my experience I can share to help you. The fact is, and you probably already know this somewhere in your mind, all that anxiety we build up in our heads over it is largely unwarranted. The real challenge to "flying pretty" isn't the people you'll encounter or the processes you have to navigate, it's overcoming your own anxiety and fear. The good news is, that's the part you can control. I hope you're able to get there soon and experience the relief of being able to travel in your feminine form.

[MarieTS]

Totally correct, Alyssa. It is a matter of "overcoming your own anxiety and fear." You know you've arrived when it seems more fearful to go in the men's room rather than the ladie's room!

[rachael.davis]

Tremendous - thanks for sharing the trip "warts and all". I had a problem when I got stopped for a bum head light a few months - not in full dress but androngenous the cop didn't really trust my drivers license (his claim was I look younger now - the silver tonged devil)
I had my license picture retaken - posts in my ears, brows done, and relaxed top, it was a major step.

I spent most of a week in San Diego as me at the beginning of the month, the "ladies room" thing came up, I kind of froze in place. Aimee (the friend I was visiting) leaned over and said you're already wearing your big girl panties, start acting like it.
second major step from that trip.

[Julie77]

Thanks for sharing, it really helps to hear other people's experiences. I would be interested if you can about TSA and getting thru security. Especially if an ID doesn't match appearance.

[Bria]

Just overcame the "ladies room" fear the other day, went in and no one else was there!!

No torches or pitchforks, as is most always true, it is our fear and not reality that restrains us.

Hugs, Bria

[Sara Olivia]

This is a really nice story Alyssa. Aside from the one awful encounter it sounded like a very positive experience for you. Stories like yours reaffirm to many of us that there are a lot of good people out there willing to accept us and helps us build our courage to hopefully partake in similar adventures of our own. And by the way not surprised about the nice comment from the lady at the car rental. Judging by your profile photo you do look very pretty.

[AlyssaJ]

Aww Sara, I'm blushing. Thank you. It's so amazing to learn from you people here that my stories are helping encourage others. And thank you for the compliment as well dear!!

[KymberlyOct]

Hi Alyssa, OMG I remember my first trip presenting as female. It was last fall, I was terrified. I was heading to a weekend to meet some friends that I had met on this site. I was by far the newbie in the group everyone else except one other was fully transitioned. My heart was beating out of my chest as I got to the airport. And of all people a TSA guy laughed at me. He just said .... and well well - how are we today? But he was laughing as he said it. What an ass. Fortunately the rest of the trip was uneventful and I had a great time. Also every other stranger that I met in public was very nice and several were complimentary. My neighbors on the plane each way were nice too.

Thinking about showing that male ID really took me back .... and it was less than a year ago LOL !! Believe me it felt so fantastic to get my name and drivers license changed with my new picture on it and a big F indicating female. Since your post was titled a milestone on the path to full time I assume that's where you are heading. Good luck and if you have any questions feel free to PM me. Enjoy that first day of your ID stating who you really are - it's wonderful.

[AlyssaJ]

Yep, that's where I'm headed, 3 months in on hormones. Hoping to be full-time before the end of the year but waiting on my employer to schedule our transition discussion so we can set a date. Once I go full time I will take care of the name change and gender change on everything (well except my BC since in Wisconsin you're required to have GCS to get your BC gender changed).