Advice - Coming out to another CD / TG

[njcddresser]

I work for a business that has a lot of regular customers. For obvious reasons, I'm in male mode while at work

Over the past few weeks, I've had a very attractive CD / TG come in a couple times. As I would with any customer, I've been polite, friendly and courteous. I'd love to find a way to let her know that I'm also a CD. I'm not looking for a date, but would relish the opportunity to make a friend who is also a CD / TG.

I don't want to offend her, so I've said nothing.

Any advice is appreciated.

Jackie ;)

[redtea]

It's hard seeing someone who is different like you but you are conforming and feel awkward about saying something like "hey I'm on your team".

I got a local business owner who works at a electronics store who wears womens boots. It makes him a little weird but if that were you it might help you break the ice.

Life is short, I say go for it. If they get offended easily then they probably aren't the type of TG you want to be around anyways. Common interest are the catalyst to many friendships.

[Robertacd]

Complements are the best way to break the ice.

Complement her oufit, and casually mention that you share her "hobby".

Or ask her where she got her shoes or something she is wearing, and tell her you have something similar or that you have been looking for something like that for yourself.

Say something like "l have that same top, and you look way better in it than I do.".

[Sara Jessica]

And if she is is TS and it isn't a "hobby"???

[SherriePall]

I agree with Sara Jessica -- Too often we assume that someone is like us when, in all reality, that person is not.
Knowing that, I would be afraid to say anything unless that person takes the lead and says something to affirm out beliefs.

[Robertacd]

And if she is is TS and it isn't a "hobby"???

Then you have the start of a conversation.

Look hun, I was mearly offering some suggestions.

How about making suggestions of your own instead of just crapping on everyone else's?

Actually I used that same line on a TG friend of mine that was a member of the local ham radio club. One summer day the officers had to meet to hand off important stuff to next years officers. This was her "grand appearance" to the club after going full time. As we were waiting for the rest to arrive she came up to my truck and we were talking for several minutes about club and ham stuff before she just finally came out and said, "Well, aren't you even going to say anything?". I just said "Why would I say anything? Besides ham radio is not the only hobby we share.".

She seemed to take it okay and we are friends to this day. Also she knew exactly what I meant by "hobby", as soon as I said it her face lit up and she exclaimed "You dress too?!".

[CD Tammy]

I once met a CD at a public place. I admit that I may have been looking too long. She made a comment about my stare. I said that I was also a CD, she asked if I wanted a cookie. End of that conversation.

[Hell on Heels]

Hell-o Jackie,
How about trying this?
The next opportunity you have simply say "Hi, my name is Jack,
but some of my friends know me as Jackie! What's your name?"
You'll never get to actually know this person without talking
to her.
Much Love,
Kristyn
Oh, BTW! If she asks...the answer is YES, I'd love a cookie right about now!

[Micki_Finn]

I've usually just gone with "I love your _______, but I couldn't pull that off" or something to that effect. It's letting them know about me without creating questions or assumptions about them.

[mykell]

And if she is TS and it isn't a "hobby"???

best to leave sleeping dogs lye......do you ever ask any of the overweight female patrons when they are due while being friendly....she may be there to just gamble and nothing more....


making friends with TG/CD folks is best achieved while attending TG/CD events and venues.....anything else is itself a gamble....

[Sara Jessica]

Then you have the start of a conversation.

No, you have more likely than not offended the other person.


How about making suggestions of your own instead of just crapping on everyone else's

Nice tone. I wasn't doing that in the least bit. I was simply pointing at the pile that was left on the sidewalk. If I didn't mention it, someone else would have.

There is enough of a divide between the CD & TS camps to go around calling out a woman on the street as being a participant in what you consider a hobby. I've said this before, we aren't out & about wearing name tags identifying what species of trans we might be. For the trans woman, it is no hobby. It is life. Sometimes it is life or death. It is in no way a hobby.

Unfortunately, there is no easy way to approach one of us in the wild. I've been approached rather innocently and right or wrong, I was offended. Some want to remain as "stealth" as possible and calling them out can be devastating. Best to tread very lightly when tempted by the allure of making a new random friend out of someone who may or may not be a kindred spirit.

[SometimesJen]

Back to the OP... I would compliment something she's wearing and comment on it if it's appropriate.

For example... I'm the sound engineer for a local band. One of the bassists identifies as cd/want to be trans. At the last gig she wore some gorgeous silver strappy 4" heels. I told her I'd love to have a pair like them but I can't stand anything over 3" for very long. She did a double take, grinned, and we went on with the set. Later we talked for almost 20 min about all sorts of things and discussed hanging out sometime.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Interesting that nobody's addressed the work issue. From a purely professional POV you should of course say nothing to any customer that might jeopardise future business.

On the other hand, what a dull world it would be if everybody followed the rules.

I think if you were able to speak without being overheard, I'd pay the sort of compliment you'd like to hear yourself, then take it from there. If the reaction is positive, you could say quite honestly that you wish you felt able to dress similarly. If the reaction is still positive, the ice is officially broken.

Where it might get tricky is if the other person thinks you're trying to pick them up - unless they're into that - so you might say something like, 'It would be great to meet up some time- I've never met anyone else who's not totally vanilla.'

That way you're not labelling them, or yourself, and you're not implying anything more than a social chat.

They're hardly likely to report you to HR are they. I say go for it.

[Heisthebride]

I agree with Micki. It probably easiest to comment on her shoes or skirt and tell her how much you like them or it. Ask her where she got it and you're looking for something similar for yourself. Let her take it from there.

[SusanCACD]

Micki, that's great, "Love that dress, wish I could look that good!" Perfect!!
Susan

[CynthiaD]

If she's dressed as a woman, she most likely wants to be taken for a woman. Revealing that you know her secret most likely won't go over real big.

[Sallee]

I have always wondered how to respond to some one you see who is a cd. The complement method I think should work well with the statement added that you would like to have one like that too.

[Teresa]

Jackie,
If you want to break the ice maybe compliment her on somethings she's wearing and let it drop that you have something similar and see if she picks up on it .
She's probably not looking for a date either, don't worry about that aspect , you could add in your comment that your wife has something similar she wears , that should settle any suggestion that you are looking for a date.

Roberta,
I would never say about sharing it as a hobby, I personally would be offended if someone said that to me, it's far from a hobby to most of us, besides she could be in transition and that would be the last thing she would want to hear.

[Maria Blackwood]

I once met a CD at a public place. I admit that I may have been looking too long. She made a comment about my stare. I said that I was also a CD, she asked if I wanted a cookie. End of that conversation.

I would have asked her out for coffee and cookies.

[Lorileah]

First, it's not your business. You are there as a person who is in some way providing a service. You treat her like you would treat any other customer NOTHING MORE. You don't have any right nor need to intrude into her space or life. If you would compliment a GG, then you could do that but DON'T say "By the way I'm just like you". You aren't. If you were you would know you shouldn't intrude into her private life.

Second, it's not your business. Oh yeah I said that didn't I?

Why do people think that they need to out themselves to someone they don't know? And what if...she isn't trans? What if she's a GG and you insult her by insinuating she isn't?

[Rachelakld]

If I was the CD in question i would after conducting my business with you, if you said something like
"I love your dress, I have one similar" or "love your make up, wish I could do mine that well"

Then it would be up to me to respond as to which way I would want the converstion to go either
"Cool, perhaps we should meet up one day" or "Cool, I'm running late bye".

When it comes to TG, well I would just treat them same as any other woman, just as I did the TG cashier I bought my new pink one piece swimsuit off today after trying it on in the shop.

[Jenna Stunned]

First, it's not your business. You are there as a person who is in some way providing a service. You treat her like you would treat any other customer NOTHING MORE. You don't have any right nor need to intrude into her space or life. If you would compliment a GG, then you could do that but DON'T say "By the way I'm just like you". You aren't. If you were you would know you shouldn't intrude into her private life.

Second, it's not your business. Oh yeah I said that didn't I?

Why do people think that they need to out themselves to someone they don't know? And what if...she isn't trans? What if she's a GG and you insult her by insinuating she isn't?

NAILED IT!!

If you want to compliment her on whatever, That's fine, As long as your treating her like you would any other woman. Otherwise DO NOT SAY ANYTHING ELSE. You don't know her or her story, RESPECT her right to privacy, Just as you do EVERY OTHER PERSON that comes to your business. Cd, Trans, Bi, Gay...... Its her business and hers alone. Even if she is "Like you" She may want NOTHING to do with meeting up with someone else or talking about it.

[SaraLin]

I'd have to agree with the majority here. If I'm out and about, the LAST thing I want is someone - ANYone - pointing out to me that they see anything other than 'just another woman'.

I understand your desire to have friends who are like you, but this probably isn't the right way to approach it.

Could you maybe try to just make friends with her -as a lady? ((big smile and "HI, Nice to see you again. How are you doing? Etc.))
If she's interested, she'll respond. if not, oh well - you tried.
If she feels the need to say she's CD/TG, she will. If she prefers to keep the secret (or if she's actually GG) no harm, no foul.
If you pass all the hurdles, and you two start becoming friends, you can 'confess your secret' then, and see where it goes.

[BrendaPDX]

I would just be nice and just give a warm smile. I don't know how I would react if someone I really didn't know clocked me and wanted to talk about it, I probably wold be a little scared.
I love "Sara Jessica" line, yes I have to learn how to use the quotes.

"Unfortunately, there is no easy way to approach one of us in the wild." So true, or at least for me. I would much prefer to meet someone through a site like this or an event.

Take care, Brenda

[Robertacd]

No, you have more likely than not offended the other person.
There is enough of a divide between the CD & TS camps to go around calling out a woman on the street as being a participant in what you consider a hobby.

Well that rift was certainly not caused by people like Jackie and me offering friendship. You know when I started coming here this board had basically two sections called M to F and F to M. Well as you can see that was not good enough for some. They get all hung up on labels and some seem to go out of their way to make sure you know that their label is superior to your label.

I tried to take part is some local groups to meet people and faced this bias in real life. I believe it is because I accept myself as who I am and I did not need years of therapy to do so. A few even seemed shocked that I have never been to therapy. As one of their first questions was always "Who is your therapist?" and their conversations always seemed to start with "Well my therapist says..."

The way I see it, these people want me to accept them as who they are but they don't accept me as who I am because they do not accept themselves.

[CD Tammy]

I would have asked her out for coffee and cookies.

I thought of a hundred things that I wished I had said afterward.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Given it is a workplace and saying the wrong thing could cost one their job, I'd say nothing at all. No compliments on what they are wearing, no trans questions, just help them like another customer. Protecting your jobs is the first priority, someone may take something the wrong way and cause you grief. Also, the advice of not approaching another trans person about being trans is a sound one in general.

That said, I don't understand the caustic anger directed toward the OP. She asked a sincere question, she was not coming from a place of malice. She is probably a new person, and simply didn't know what the proper etiquette was, which is why she asked us here. She didn't have any intention of embarrassing or hurting anyone.