How do these factors play-in?

[Jenny22]

An SO's or wife's comments like: Last straw, you're outa here, Not what I signed up for, No way, a stop or else ultimatum, etc. are often comments seen here as to a CDers dressing, when found out.
Does the ultimate outcome in the relationship of such couples vary due to: age (young vs elderly), working or retired, who's the bread winner, finances, family factors, how long together or married, etc.?
Example: couple in their 20s, with a full life ahead of them, are they more likely to split over the issue of his CDing than a much older couple who have been together for many years?
Please give your thoughts and comments, especially if you you've experienced a split/divorce or staying together where any of this had a bearing on your CDing life.

[Jodi]

You are in a community property state. Everything is automatically divided 50-50, that is unless you have a hell of a good lawyer. If you worked hard all of your life and she stsyed home, if you have a pension and savings, and if you own a home and a bunch of property, she still gets 50% of it.

Welcome to the world of divorce. My bet is she already has a lawyer. You better get one real quick.

Jodi

[Mickitv]

Most divorces are looked upon as no fault divorces. Regardless of the circumstances the property is usually split 50/50. If you don't have a lawyer I second Jodi's recommendation Get One Quick.

[Joni T]

It's the lying and deceptions. Once trust is lost, it's very, very hard to win back, if ever. Without trust, there can be no relationship.
A lawyer is not necessary. My last wife and I divorced without an attorney for either party. The CD'ing was not an issue. It takes some work, but it can be done as long as both parties can be amenable and work together. She left me after 26 years for some dude in her bowling league.
Jon

[SaraLin]

I can't give you any statistics or such. I'm only me. But here's what I've been through - in very abbreviated form.

1st marriage: revealed myself After marriage, big upset but she "came around", or so I thought until one day while we were shopping for outfits, she commented "I'm getting as sick as you are." Ouch. Our split was my doing, caused by other issues, and not CD related.

2nd marriage: Big mistake. She knew up front, seemed to accept, but used my gender issues as a weapon when she took off (with a drummer in a band, of all things!) She came back, and stupid me, I took her back, but she couldn't keep her panties on around other men, and it ended.

relationship (not marriage) This girl accepted me, and could have been the one - except that she was a MAJOR alcoholic. I can't count how many times I got called to come haul her out of a bar. I finally had enough and sent her on her way. If I run into her, she still calls me "girlfriend"

Current marriage: She knew up front about me, and took me anyways. NOT as accepting -DADT on dresses, etc. but full time on panties and nighties is OK (go figure). Also no "outings" and I'm not supposed to be talking with others (I know, I know). While not an ideal situation, I do love her and she's good to/for me so I've pretty much accepted her terms and life is mostly OK.

SaraLin

[Laura912]

Depends on too many factors. Based on observations here, the CDing may be the reason for the divorce or the excuse for the divorce but with several underlying issues as well. It seems more likely that a divorce will occur after a few years of marriage rather than in the first two or three years. It takes a while for the "pressures" to build to where either party wants out. All the more reason to get the CD part straight at the beginning...or keep a divorce lawyer on retainer. :devil:

[CarlaWestin]

Everyone responding so far is correct. And, we all have different situations. My first was an opportunistic phony and played along to get pictures for a law suit. Everything backfired on her and I'm all the better getting away from that toxic environment. That was back when CD was only viewed as a perversion. Middle relationship was way more accepting and creative. Now in our sixties, I came out to my wife expecting acceptance about four years ago. It wasn't easy at all. But, she educated herself about it and we've settled in to a not perfect DADT situation. I've heard her say things like, "I can't even talk to my family about this," and "I can't even leave." But, in the long run I've been able to demonstrate that I'm the same person and my priorities are in the right place. And the last time I heard a worn out seething comment concerning transgender i general, I drew my line in the sand. Curious enough, she's been a little curious about my secret life. I remind her that we are on the other side of DADT but I'm willing to share. So, who knows what the future will bring?

[Stacy Darling]

I believe that most of us have a lot of factors in play, I do!

I believe that my dressing is but part of my life, and so add it to the equation; CD x $ x Love x Respect Etc....and the answer shall be the same every time, Who knows the result?

Love yourself, try not to hurt anyone else and hope for the best!

Stacy!

[Stephanie47]

Most divorces are looked upon as no fault divorces. Regardless of the circumstances the property is usually split 50/50. If you don't have a lawyer I second Jodi's recommendation Get One Quick.

I did not see anything in Jenny's question indicating there was marital discord happening. As she stated in prior posts she is 80 years old. Seems to be just a question to stimulate our minds.

I have been married for four and a half decades. Never been divorced. First marriage for both of us. My wife did say many decades ago if she had known I was a cross dresser, she would not have married me. That was a little strange in itself because we both started on my journey together with some bedroom fetish play, which she enjoyed at times. She saw some hypocrisy in her statement. Before we were married she had blurted out one night some of her past which may have sent most men running for the hills. I saw past that and recognized who is was. She is not accepting for several reasons which I will not go into, but, those reasons have played a role in how I deal with her non acceptance. It has been DADT for over three decades....deep DADT...no barbs, no casting of ill will, everything. If a woman can get past the idea the world will come to an end as she knows it, she may realize the qualities of her husband far exceed his little quirk. Just like anything else affecting a marriage, pushing something in a spouse's face against her or his level of acceptance will lead to disharmony.

[Jenny22]

Thanks, all, for replies. I'm not divorcing. My post was out of curiosity as to how a relationship might end up, considering the factors I indicated.

[Dana44]

I had an ex-wife out me to everybody. That can happen also. But that depends on the woman and in my case it was like that. I wonder to this day on why I married her. lol

[kimdl93]

One might engage in speculation based on individual experience or whatever might be gleaned from the forum, but cant inform us on the probabilities based on the factors you mention. I am not aware of any relevant, valid research into the various factors that might determine the likelihood of a relationship between an CD and a female partner succeeding or failing.

I think I understand the things that contributed to my divorce. These had nothing to do with age, economics or other family factors, so far as I can tell. What did cause the rift? Perhaps a growing distance between us, caused by a self absorption, a loss of the person she loved to this other entity, a fear of social stigma. But there were other non-CD factors of my personality that probably diminished the value of our relationship as well, such as a predisposition towards depressions, episodes of pointless anger, intolerance and arrogance. Frankly, I wouldn't have liked me very much after all that.

[sometimes_miss]

It's the lying and deceptions.
I'm going to have to disagree with that. There are plenty of wives out there that will stay with a guy who's omitted something, whether it be an affair, a crime, a lie about age, etc.. The problem with crossdressing is, it can easily completely change whether she is sexually attracted to you or not. Consider all the women who stay with a scoundrel, and when asked why she stays with him, her response is 'Because I love him!', and she will still feel sexually excited about him, even if she hates what he did. None of the others change whether she sees you as male or female. Crossdressing can alter the perception of gender, and sexuality, and if the romantic feelings of attraction are gone, she will still want them, but will then look elsewhere. And once she starts to look for another man, you're relationship is no longer her primary one. Then it's only a matter of time before she finds someone else.

[docrobbysherry]

You are in a community property state. Everything is automatically divided 50-50, that is unless you have a hell of a good lawyer. If you worked hard all of your life and she stsyed home, if you have a pension and savings, and if you own a home and a bunch of property, she still gets 50% of it.

Welcome to the world of divorce. My bet is she already has a lawyer. You better get one real quick.

Jodi

As a divorced Californian I'd like to comment, Jodi. My ex got 1/2 of our community property. But, none of my separate property. She got 1/2 child care money until each of our kids reached 18. Because we shared custody 50 50.
She was awarded alimony at 50% of what I made for the time we were married and lived together, 8 and 1/2 years. If we had been together for 10 years she would have gotten the Golden Parachute. Alimony for life!:eek:

PS: Our break up had nothing to with my crossdressing. Which hadn't been serious back then.

[Aemilie]

I’d like to reply to Jenny the OP of this thread, I’ve read through the other replies, but everything everyone has said is so different to my experience it’s scary.

OK my name on this forum Is Aemilie because my alter ego Millie was taken but I much prefer Millie.

I’ve been a member here for a week, but I’ve lurked here and other CD forum’s for year’s, this is the only CD forum I’ve really felt comfortable with, most of the other’s seem more sexually orientated that’s the reason I joined here.

I’ve been a Cross-dresser all my life, my earliest memory of being Millie was at five years of age I’m 48 now!, I didn’t cross-dress then but I’d certainly started pre puberty and for me it’s not sexual, it’s a powerful and soul crushing need.

I’m married and have been for fifteen years, my wife knew I cross dressed in two previous relationships because I told her when we first dated, one of the relationships, was extremely abusive (to me)!, the other was with an older woman who kinda treated me like a daughter but it wasn’t a sexual relationship, prior to meeting my wife I lived alone I had an extremely small collection of female clothing and I was very happy just sitting around the house in a skirt and blouse or wearing my one and only nightie to bed, as I said my wife knew but showed no interest in my cross-dressing, she had never said I couldn’t dress I just didn’t.

When I moved in with my wife I dumped all my female clothes and until two months ago had never dressed since, I didn’t miss not dressing either I’m very much “into” my wife, I love her very much but it’s more than that we just kinda mesh, anyway obviously I occasionally felt the need to dress but didn’t ( I would have killed to pull on just a pair of knickers)!, but I used to go online and read forums such as this and enjoyed seeing I wasn’t alone.
I was and am a member of forums related to my interests, cycling and RC flying, on one of the flying forums I struck up a bit of a friendship with another member and he used to “pm” me and then e-mail me, we never met but used to swap plans and tips etc., and then for just over a month I heard nothing from him, I sent an e-mail which he eventually replied to saying he had come out to his family as a cross-dresser and as you wont be surprised to know it didn’t/hadn’t gone down well, we continued to chat and I told him about Millie, he was quite shocked to say the least he did say don’t let your wife find out and I couldn’t have agreed more, they eventually came to a “DADT” agreement but I haven’t heard from him in years.

Fast forward to the beginning of April this year my wife is acting odd when I ask what's up she just keeps saying nothing, I didn’t really pay attention at the time but when I use my laptop it opens on different pages or programs that I had left it, again I don’t think anything of it, I have a couple of days off work and my wife has to drive her parents to different things for a couple of days so I go mountain biking and the first day when I get home my wife seems really pissed with me, but when I ask she says nothing’s wrong, I’m a sort of look on the bright side kinda person but I know something is going on as my wife is never mad at me, the next day I go mountain biking again and have a bit of an “off” and am quite sore, I get home my wife’s back and still in a mood so I have a bath to try and sooth my battered body and spend the rest of the day slumped in front of the telly watching some cycling with my wife she’s into it as well.

At the end of the day we go to bed, my wife’s still not talking to me, I’m aching and fall asleep quite quickly, a little later I’m aware that my wife is going downstairs but then I fall asleep again, a bit later I’m woken up my wife is screaming at me and throwing my laptop on the bed asking “what IS this”? I haven’t a clue what’s up and still shaking from being woken up so roughly, she starts screaming and shouting asking who this girl is, I don’t have the first clue what’s going on, eventually we stumble downstairs and sit down the shouting is still happening I’m just sitting there stunned, I eventually get that she thinks I’m having an affair as she found these years old e-mails to this gent who had by this time started calling himself by a female name, so I managed to explain what I’ve told you so far, were both crying she’s still shouting I’m thinking my life’s over and she’s found out I cross-dress and can’t deal with it, I offer to move out, she doesn't want me to do that, I ask what she wants?, she doesn't know, and then the screaming and shouting stop, were both still crying, what I didn’t get at the time was that I thought she had found out I was a cross-dresser but she thought I was having an affair with another woman, she’s stopped shouting and screaming because she’s just realised that I cross-dress, and I realise she’s just twigged that.

She stops crying and we talk normally for a little while and asks me do I want to wear women's clothes and I said yes but I don’t because I don’t want to upset her, she said something like it wouldn’t have upset me, we talk some more, it’s early in the morning were both knackered and go back to bed and sleep ‘till quite late.

When we get up everything seems normal, we talk some more I tell her how I feel she tells me how she feels and I try to explain to her my compulsion to cross-dress even though I hadn’t done it for years.

Then something amazing happens, (as I said I’ve read enough on various forums to know how being found out by your wife pans out), but my wife gives me a pair of her unused black hold up stockings and says you can have them!, what’s this?, the next thing I know she gets her laptop tells me to get my laptop and show her the sort of things I’d like to wear!, we find things on Amazon & eBay and order them, seriously I’m not talking just knickers here I’m ordering dresses, pretty blouses and skirts, pop socks, ballet pumps the works, I’m thinking this is a wind up, but no it’s for real, and it’s been this way ever since, she finds something online and asks what I think or when we go shopping we go through the clothes department and pick up some stuff for both of us, it’s mad and I still can’t believe it, but it all seems on the up & up and she doesn’t seem to be storing this up to use against me (if you knew our history you’d believe me), as I said I know how this kind of thing usually works out but in my case the complete opposite has happened and I still don’t quite believe it, I’m extremely happy about it though.

I’d love to know what any of you think, or you know feel free to ignore me, I’m just happy to be able to talk about this.

Millie

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Hmm Swearing I take it?, you even removed the one's with asterix's, fairly do's!!, "rules" huh