Transition will hurt others. I'm so scared

[Jeri Ann]

I said I would never transition.
Life threatening depression prompted me to get professional help.
After one session with the most highly regarded gender therapist in Houston the diagnosis is certain.
The prognosis is not good - unless I transition.
Transition will hurt so many loved ones.
I am so scared.

[Rianna Humble]

Jeri, your consideration for others is laudable, but have you considered the impact on them if you don't transition?

[Kaitlyn Michele]

exactly,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

you have the right to live your life...

if people are hurt, its truly their issue...

if there are things you've promised or been dishonest about that's understandable...but you are all gonna have to work through that..


the prognosis is real... there seems to be a tipping point where the person that repressed for a long time simply runs out of gas...
you feel it, you know it... how much gas is left ??

[Jeri Ann]

Jeri, your consideration for others is laudable, but have you considered the impact on them if you don't transition?

That is why I got help.


exactly,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

you have the right to live your life...

if people are hurt, its truly their issue...

if there are things you've promised or been dishonest about that's understandable...but you are all gonna have to work through that..


the prognosis is real... there seems to be a tipping point where the person that repressed for a long time simply runs out of gas...
you feel it, you know it... how much gas is left ??

I know all of these things. It is still painful. I also know that I don't have enough gas to get out of the driveway. The male persona that I created and played for so long can't continue. The play has ended and this actress has to retire from acting, she has a life to live.

Thank you both for being concerned enough to share your wisdom.

[Heidi Stevens]

Stay true to yourself Jeri. We have talked about trying to stay in both worlds and remain sane. It is a tightrope walk and staying on it is a mater of love of others and self preservation. You get hurt no matter what side you fall off on. Fall towards not hurting your love ones and you get hurt. Come the other way and those closest to you are puzzled by your selfishness.
I have a focus on my tightrope walk, my wife. Focusing on her and finding myself is extremely hard. I know that if my focus, my wife, leaves my life, I will fall to the side of taking care of me.
That said, it appears that your focus to stay on that wire has shifted. You seem to want to fall toward the take care of me side. Remember, falling either way is going to hurt. If you're lucky you're on a slack line just a few feet off the ground, those who love you will be ready to help. If you're on a tightrope high over Niagra falls, your friends and love ones totally abandon you, it will fall far and hard. That's the hurt you fear.
It's never clear when or where to jump. You just have to trust the advice given to you by professionals and sense how those you love feel about it when you jump off that line. Trust your inner self and follow. Gird yourself for the fall and if you've prepared for the change, you will do just fine. Good luck to you! I hope you're on a slack line!

[Jeri Ann]

Thanks Heidi. What a true friend you are. If I fall one way I live. If I fall the other way I will not, at least mentally and emotionally if not...

Statistically it is a wonder we are still here. As many as half don't make it as long as we have. It is a testament to our strength, according to the therapist. That strength comes at a cost. I have not only paid the price, I have gone into debt . I've got none left for others. I can't be what they are accustom to. I hope I can find some strength for me.

I have come out to one daughter and later, one on one, with her husband. They still love me. I will come clean with my other daughter Monday.

I have come out to my only sister. She has been amazing. She is the foundation of my support. She has made me pinky promise not to ... She has demanded a state of the mind email from me every morning. And, she wants to meet face to face after every session with the therapist. I travel two hours to appointments and she travels one hour to meet me.

My sister talks about a much better future and a better relationship between us, something we have not had. She talks about going on road trips together. She has never had a girlfriend who could get away. And, she calls me sis already. All of these things have transpired in the last ten days.

It is still hard, and scary.

[Pat]

It's funny how we always expect the worst. But, honestly, a person suffering from a need to transition is not a very pleasant person to be around -- they're in a dark place. When you transition, you come out into the light. You can't help but be a better person -- you're happy. People like to be around happy people. In the end, after initial turbulence, taking care of yourself is the kindest thing you can do for those around you. Good luck.

[mechamoose]

Until you are in a safe place, you can't help anyone else.

You *are*. You exist. You do NOT need to be sorry.

If there are consequences for others, then that stinks. However, you can't just pretend to be something for the sake of other people, even people you love. If they really love you, then they will say 'ok' and move forward. It isn't like you are telling people 'Hey!! I'm a cannibal!'

Per Pat, you need to be happy. Happy with yourself, else you are just going to fume. In that case, you may be a cannibal, but you are only eating yourself.

- MM

[Heidi Stevens]

I have come out to one daughter and later, one on one, with her husband. They still love me. I will come clean with my other daughter Monday.

I have come out to my only sister. She has been amazing. She is the foundation of my support. She has made me pinky promise not to ... She has demanded a state of the mind email from me every morning. And, she wants to meet face to face after every session with the therapist. I travel two hours to appointments and she travels one hour to meet me.

My sister talks about a much better future and a better relationship between us, something we have not had. She talks about going on road trips together. She has never had a girlfriend who could get away. And, she calls me sis already. All of these things have transpired in the last ten days.

It is still hard, and scary.

You are very blessed to have a family like that Jeri. Turns out the family has helped you off a slack line that you thought was high above disaster. Good luck with your last daughter. If I know sisters though, the one in the know has already told the other! 😀

[Nikki A.]

Jeri Ann I wish you peace and happiness in your decision. We are always thinking of the worst, but, it seems that everything seems to turn out OK in the end.

[jentay1367]

What good are you to anyone if you're not whole and real? Whom do you live for?

[Dana44]

Jeri Ann, I only hope the best for you and if you go this route. Be who you really are and don't look back. Sounds like you are being accepted already and have a good relationship with your sister. That is fantastic girl. You have a lot to live for.

[grace7777]

Jeri Ann,

Like you, at one time I thought I would never transition, but I found that living a double life was not working. Having to present as male became very depressing. I looked for a solution short of transitioning, but there was not one. Plus, you can never please everyone all the time. I wish you all the best.

Grace

[Kate T]

Yes, it is hard, and scary, and sometimes even sad. But if it wasn't any of these things then there would be no achievement, no satisfaction, no growth in yourself that you were able to face the fear and the sadness and lookout in the eye and say "I know you, you're real, but you won't control me. I will control my own destiny".

Best wishes. It get's better, in place of the fear and sadness come strength and joy that can be hard to describe.

[Rachel Smith]

Believe you me there is most likely not one of us here that has transitioned that has not worried about how much it would hurt those around us, myself included. It also didn't work out perfectly for us either. I have lost some in my family and some friends but you need to have somewhat of a thick skin and a cest`la vie attitude. Like has been said about many things "if it were easy everyone would do it". I only hope you don't do like I did and not realize what is the correct action, transition or not transition, until after you have sunk so deep into depression that you think death is the lesser of two evils. I say this next sentence speaking from experience; Without a doubt that WILL hurt ALL those that love and care for you.

This is not a choice to be made willy nilly, like after one visit with a therapist. I do not care if it was with the best therapist in the world. Then again I don't feel the best therapist in the world would tell you after one visit that transition is your answer. Do you know who told me I could find my answer through transition ME. I saw 3 therapists and not one of them told me to transition. It took many sessions and 2 years for ME and I only arrived there with their helping me to explore my inner most feelings to for ME to come to a decision. It also is a choice that is extremely hard to undo I would think.

Now I don't know you from Eve and I am not saying you should or should't transition that is a decision for you and you alone, with the help of a good counselor, to decide but certainly not after one or two visits.

Back to you original question. It is like every decision magnified 1,000 times some will like it and some won't. Some will stand by you and some will hate you and never speak to you again. In the end all you can do is explain yourself to all of them but don't let them inform you decision. The decision is yours.

Hugs
Rachel

[KymberlyOct]

I am so happy to read about the support from your sister. You are lucky to have each other. Having even one person in your life to show you that level of support and love makes a huge difference. Please tell her thanks from yourself and from us !!!

[Jeri Ann]

Today I came out to my daughter and her husband. I was blown away by their love, concern and support. My worst fears have been unfounded. Still, it will not be easy for anyone.

In two days I have another appointment with my therapist.

[Tommie.]

I live in Midland Jeri and one of my sons in Houston... I came out over the last three months.... it has been the worst and hardest thing I have ever done and I cannot candy coat it in any way.... all I can say is I agree with those above.... what choice do we really have.... I have been repeatedly surprised who continued to have a relationship with me and those who terminated it... the worst was family.... I am still trying to recover with my children but my loving spouse has held in there.... I wish you only the best and just keep looking forward.... blessings on you and yours.... know we here understand and are with you.... tommie

[Jeri Ann]

Tommie,

Several girls have reached out to me as a result of my recent posts. In every case they are hurting because some family, usually kids, have not accepted their coming out. Hardly ever does anyone mention what they come out as? Crossdresser, transsexual? Or, how they were told. Opening up to loved ones must be done face to face at all costs for the best outcome. It is not a guarantee but it is the best way.

Everyone in my family is a product (victim) of the most intolerant culture, as a whole, on the planet. The therapist in Houston hates to get a client from Jefferson county Texas. How and why my kids and their spouses love me so much I have no idea. When I figure it out I will write a book. My wife is another story. I can't continue pretending to be what she expects and she in no way can she accept what and who I really am.

Hang in there. If there was ever authentic love between you and your son, love will prevail. Keep loving him and let him know in any way possible. You are fortunate to have a loving spouse.

Stay in touch. Message me if you would like my email.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

The central aspect of all this is being able to feel alive/authentic (my words...but you get the drift)

Its a very very vulnerable time for all of us...and during all that our relationships go every which way...we challenge people....

all you can do is get through it and really accept that this is part of being real.... and if you can be real, if you can thrive, then others come around... and if they don't....as my therapist said once.."i'll burn a candle for you, but you gotta move on"
and followed with helping me look towards my authentic self as my trusted inner source ....not count on relationships to define me like i counted on them to perpetuate my fraud
and that's a work in progress 8 yrs later LOL..

[Jeri Ann]

The central aspect of all this is being able to feel alive/authentic (my words...but you get the drift)

Kaitlyn,

Thank you for your comments. Doing life authentically is what I started doing about two years ago. It was a matter of do it or die. I could not go on without experiencing life as my real self. The art of deception, that I had perfected in order to hide my true female identity all my life, became useful when finding ways to escape the life and persona I had created. The excursions were covert and brief, at first, until I began connecting with some of the Houston girls, especially Lauri K. I have made some amazing friends who accept me and love me, the real me. As I experienced this new life more and more, the imitation of life became so shallow. Not to mention the fact that I was absolutely spent and could not continue the masquerade any longer. I began to realize that in order to survive it had to be as me, not him.

We are proceeding slowly and cautiously. There is a lot at stake here. But, I have come to realize that the most important thing at stake here is me. If love continues to prevail, as it has so far, then with my loved ones we will move toward a new kind of normal. Without me there can't be a future that involves me.

[Jeri Ann]

I went to my therapist yesterday. When she came in to the waiting area, I assume from lunch, she looked at me, smiled and went in to her office area. I waited and waited for her to come out and get me but she didn't. I finally rang the buzzer to remind her that I was there. She opened the door, looked around (there were several other women in there), and started to go back in the office area. She caught herself and realized who I was. Not being recognized by your therapist is pretty darned confirming. Several times, during the session she apologized for not recognizing me and complemented me on how amazingly passable I was. That was the high light of the day.

When we were done I knew that I had to face reality. When I got home we had the talk. A rough night folded into a rough morning. We have come to the difficult conclusion, finally, that we can't be what the other needs. I have known this for a long time. Of course, I have been the one living with this horrible condition that had to be kept secret. I have been in denial for a long time. It was hard for me to get out of denial. I have been so accustomed to it. I have had a lifetime of experience with it.

So now we will move on. She will go to her daughter's for a few days. I have another appointment with my therapist today. Tomorrow we will start disassembling a life. We have decided to work together and divide things equally. Her share is less than half of my retirement but my share of our investment accounts is way less than half. Some of it is inheritance that I have no right to at all. So, 50-50 is probably a good deal. Dividing everything legally might cost as much as $20000 and be an unpleasant experience with permanent consequences. Everything else is just stuff- one for you, one for me. We will sell off what we can't, or don't want to, bring into our respective futures.

When we have everything set we will go to an attorney to initiate a no-fault divorce. What a horrible word that is - divorce.

She slept in the other room last night. That was after I held her and rocked her. So weird. I wish someone would rock me.*He would have to be a pretty big dude. This morning she fixed my coffee and I fixed the second round. More weird. It is time now for us to take Rico(Schnauzer) walking. He doesn't know yet that soon he will not have his house and yard, his kingdom.

Jeri Ann

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you are talking about alot of feelings that i went through..

i recall the day before i left(she divorced me...i didnt want it), my wife at the time said.."im going to miss you".... to be honest...those words are still a knife in my heart... highlighting her feelings... she didnt do anything except trust me

years later we are best friends...we get along wonderfully and do things together...she still has our dog...i got a new one for me.... we live 5 miles away from each other..
our kids are good...etc....

[Jeri Ann]

Kaitlyn,

Thank you so much for sharing. Your comments have been so helpful.

[Bria]

Jeri, I'm so sad for you and for your wife. I'd hug you if I were there, since I'm not I'll remember you in my prayers.

Hugs, Bria

[Pat]

Jeri -- it's always heartbreaking to hear about a marriage dissolving for this reason. My heart goes out to you both.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

Kaitlyn,

Thank you so much for sharing. Your comments have been so helpful.

im glad!!

my avatar picture there is opening a christmas gift at our(her) house....its a very nice house...oh well

[jentay1367]

My heart is with you. Tragic life playing out in a catch 22 situation. I hope you both can find a way not to feed the lawyers and allow them to build animosity between you and her.. I wish you both all the very best.

[Sandra]

I really hate reading threads were the couple have/had split :(

I know not everone is the same but for me I knew that even after surgery Nigella was the same person I'd married. The sence of humour, the attitude etc are still there none of that has changed. I just wish some would try and give it ago, some partners might just might be surprised.

I wish you all the best in your journey :)

[Jeri Ann]

Sandra we could stay together. She asked me what it would take to stay together. I told her to not leave, stay with me on this journey. We might be partners, girlfriends or roommates. She said that we couldn't do that where we live. I told her that I knew that, we would have to relocate. She said that she couldn't leave her church and friends. So there you are.

[Rita Leigh]

Jeri Ann, you have all the best wishes I and many others can make...to help along this journey of life. It will never be over but it sounds like your possibilities are really opening up for the better. My God bless you in your life with friends and family who care for you to be your authenticate self. Rita Leigh, (another Houstonian)

[Nicole Erin]

Today I came out to my daughter and her husband. I was blown away by their love, concern and support. My worst fears have been unfounded. Still, it will not be easy for anyone.


Yeah, of all the LGBT I have known, their good relationships with whoever doesn't really change much, if at all, after coming out. Yeah there may be the initial shock or normal questions but that blows over pretty fast. However, those "difficult" relationships tend to get worse. Of course the difficult ones we don't expect much anyways so whatever.

You will find, soon enough, that becoming "Jeri " will soon be something people don't even talk about much. You will just be you. They won't treat you any different. yeah there might be the brief occasional banter about TG stuff but nothing deep.
I did have to cut contact with my step family because of how I choose to live. That is okay though, I never really got along with them much anyways. To blood family, I am just Erin. I was their brother, now I am their sister.

More on relationships not changing -
My room mate is lesbian (and GG). Some in her family have a problem with that, but they also have a lot of other problems with her. The lesbian thing is just one more piece of ammunition for them.
Others in her family have No problems with who she dates. These are the same members she has always had a good relationship with.

All this is just my personal observations and experience.
After you come out to each person and they get to meet "Jeri", after that just don't make a big deal of it and carry on as you normally would.

[Tommie.]

What a thread Jeri.... wow... God bless you

[Nikkilovesdresses]

What a thread indeed. Thank you Jeri for sharing your remarkable story.

[mary spence]

Best of luck, Jeri. I know you have the strength to follow your destiny. You will come out happier and at peace.

[Pat]

So sorry to hear of the turmoil in your life. Here's hoping it passes in its time and you end up in a place of joy.

[Rachel Smith]

I went through the same Jeri but we didn't sell the house I just let her assume the mortgage and keep what I couldn't get in my truck in 3 trips. When we first started I didn't think it would ever get better but I did and it will for you too.

[Dakota1981]

This whole thread is a roller coaster ride. I could feel the feelings just simply by what was written. Jeri Ann, I wish you nothing but the best.

[Rachel Smith]

How come I wasn't invited, :devil: Enjoy the time together.

[Rianna Humble]

I'll echo Rachel's comment! I love roasted garlic. Just curious though, how do you get home-made yeast? :heehee:

[Mirya]

My therapist says that the test for authentically living as a woman is the ability to make and keep genetic women friends.

I fully agree with your therapist. And it's not just a test, IMO it's the best part of living as a woman.

[grace7777]

My therapist says that the test for authentically living as a woman is the ability to make and keep genetic women friends.

For me the best benefit of transitioning is the opportunity to have friendships with women.

[jentay1367]

Congratulations Jeri. I'm sad about your relationship but pleased you're finally free to live your truth. I've read you enough here to feel sorry for your ex. Her inability to understand and empathize with you means she loses you. So sad for her. It's your time. Now go do you.

[Dana44]

Jeri Ann, Here is a hug for you. I hope everything works well for you. Hope the house sells for a great price.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

heres a hug from me too!!!!!!!!!


religion.... that's a tough one..
if she cant see through the religion to you, then i guess in the end its meant to be this way..sad for her too

[Bria]

jeri, hugs from me also.

Hugs, Bria

[Mirya]

Is your health insurance plan an HMO? Is that why you need to get a referral in order to be approved for therapy?

I have an HMO now, but last year (when I saw a therapist) I had a PPO. I could just go to any therapist I wanted, whenever I wanted. But even then, I still had to pay $120 per therapy session out of my own pocket. It really adds up!

[Tommie.]

Jeri am working on the same thing with a local psychologist... my insurance will pay for nothing and expressly says anything associated with or a result of gender dysphoria will not be approved. So far I have found nothing reasonable and certainly not cheap about transitioning. I can't find enough spare money for anything really significant and will eventually be looking at a loan for FFS. As far as family I have lost all save my spouse but that is somewhat like yours was... the relationship is changed and nothing like it was... loneliness in the trans community is ever present.... we have to find friends and activities just like you are to rebuild our lives... I am trying to do that now and so far the LGBT community has taken me in and loved me as I am... invited me to things... church activities too.... I see you do the same but the deep, feeding relationships, are still needed to not feel lonely... and hard to replace. Anyway, you are not alone... love you.... tommie