Taking it Personallly, or not?

[Stacy Darling]

As I walked through the shopping centre today in 50/50 (red Tshirt+ Pink scarf, just me!) I was not surprised when a facially tattooed hard guy took a long glance at me.

So, as I stare down or take on every person which confronts me.

I wonder if it is just for me?

Stacy!

[mechamoose]

That is just defending yourself. That eye contact is a challenge, and your return of it says that you are not a victim, and you are just *fine*, thank you.

Me, I'm not just fine, I'm *fabulous*.

Maybe they were jealous?

<3

- MM

[Linda E. Woodworth]

I agree with the Moose.

You are out enjoying yourself, doing nothing wrong, so why should you be afraid?

Stare right back and go on doing what you're doing.

[Stacy Darling]

You're right girls, and I will not stop!

[Rebecca W.]

The power of eye contact is well defined here. I prefer limited eye contact over a verbal encounter because I feel less vulnerable to a physical attack. A stare can be taken as a complement for your look, or as an insult for their disapproval of your look. I feel that the duration of the stare when you return the stare would confirm the level of acceptance with a brief, facial expression.

[Sara Jessica]

The return stare-down might be seen as empowering but in my opinion it is also a form of aggression, no different than what you perceive the other person is doing to you. Granted you are in mixed mode but one in full female presentation wouldn't be inviting any positive interactions by staring down anyone who gives more than a passing glance.

What is wrong with going about your business and being oblivious to what others do or think? Or are you looking for confrontation???

[kimdl93]

Its been a while since I've encountered any stares. for me to notice someone who might be staring, I'd have to be looking at them, and frankly Id keep to my own business. If I made eye contact, 9 out of 10 times I'd smile.

[mechamoose]

Well, she didn't *start* it., she was responding to said act of aggression.

If she had been strutting around staring strangers down, then I would agree with you more.


I know I can't slow down, I can't hold back,
though you know I wish I could.
No there ain't no rest for the wicked
Until we close our eyes for good.
- Cage The Elephant

[Rebecca W.]

The return stare-down might be seen as empowering but in my opinion it is also a form of aggression, no different than what you perceive the other person is doing to you. Granted you are in mixed mode but one in full female presentation wouldn't be inviting any positive interactions by staring down anyone who gives more than a passing glance.

What is wrong with going about your business and being oblivious to what others do or think? Or are you looking for confrontation???

Sara,

So true. I tend to limit my engagement of a stare, and go about my business. A stare can easily turn into aggression as you hold your ground. I advert my attention to something more abstract, and neutral.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Maybe I'm missing something here, but what is the issue? There are some factors here that make it unclear to me. For instance, what was the distance between the OP and the stare-er? Proximity is a deciding factor in a confrontation. was he within arm's distance? or 20 feet away?

Maybe, just maybe, the 'offending' onlooker was merely trying to determine who and/or what he was seeing?

Not trying to downgrade or disregard the OP's experience, only she knows how it happened( coloured, of course by her perceptions), but sometimes I think that we ( as a group) tend to take events out of context and exaggerate the situation based on our perceived expectations ( see the thread 'the world does not live up to my expectations' as an example)

Just my 2 centavos.

[Happygirl!]

There are a percentage of people out there with serious mental issues, some of which are looking for an interaction. Just look at the road rage incidents, shootings, etc. Not saying this interaction would have gone that way. But obviously this person has issues, and I figure let them go on their way.

[Jean 103]

I attract attention and sometimes people stare . I usually just ignore them, or will just give them a simple smile. It depends on what in happening at the time.

[IleneD]

Hmmmmm.
My advice from a life of hard lessons learned:

When you're riding your Harley, don't give the finger to a guy driving a big dump truck and who has a flaming swastika tattooed on his forearm.
Always worked for me; almost.

[mechamoose]

IleneD: you made me giggle.

I totally get what you are saying though. It is pretty clear, you check yourself in a hostile environment. The mall should not be considered a hostile environment.


You don't tug on superman's cape
You don't spit into the wind
You don't pull the mask off that old lone ranger
And you don't mess around with Jim
- Jim Croce

[Majella St Gerard]

If you can't handle a "long glance" you should probably stay home. How was your encounter confrontational? Just a clue here, if you go out 50/50 you WILL attract undue attention, just saying.

[Ressie]

You and tattoo face are both attracting attention with your appearance IMO. I'm sure he gives the same stare to everyone that looks different to him. Or he may have the look on his face 24/7.

Don't take anything personally even if it is personal. It just stirs up negative feelings within.

[Tracii G]

The return stare-down might be seen as empowering but in my opinion it is also a form of aggression, no different than what you perceive the other person is doing to you. Granted you are in mixed mode but one in full female presentation wouldn't be inviting any positive interactions by staring down anyone who gives more than a passing glance.

What is wrong with going about your business and being oblivious to what others do or think? Or are you looking for confrontation???

Not really because you know aggression when you see it a look is a look not physical.
Facially tattoo hard guy is screaming for attention you are not. As one who has been around tattooed "hard"guys 60% are posers the other 20% are dangerous but have a rap sheet and won't bother you because they don't want to get put back in jail.The remaining 20% don't care and really are the"hard" guys and they stay to themselves and don't have time for petty stuff like a guy in a dress because they aren't seen as a threat.
Usually a smile will defuse the situation.You can also not pay attention to the stare are go about you business.

[StevieTV]

I was called a princess by a gg in a public area with other people around. I just smiled and said "thank you".

[sometimes_miss]

More power to you, Stacy, and I support what you're doing. But, me? I've had my fill of strife in my life. Now, all I want is peace and quiet. I have no desire to spend my retirement years arguing with people who aren't going to change, anyway, all most of them will do is avoid you in the future, and tell their friends about the freak they met. The past year in America has shown us just how many ignorant, intolerant, evil people live here, and they most certainly don't want to change. They want us, gone; they can't tolerate even the mention of us in the news without getting mad.

[Pat]

I always prefer to return the look without shame or aggression and smile. ;)

[docrobbysherry]

Sorry, I'm voting with Sara. :thumbsup:
If I glared back at every yahoo who gave me the fish eye, a rude comment, or belly laff I'd be spending all my time and energy out dressed, on them, not me. I just ignore them, look the other way, and keep walking. :straightface:

If Stacy, or anyone else, enjoys strife, conflict, and hassles when out dressed? Go for it. But, I don't need that crap in my life!:Angry3:

[Stephanie47]

Non verbal communication is an essential manner of expressing oneself. He was probably expressing his disapproval of you. It is perfectly alright to use non verbal communication too. Just yesterday I gave a young woman a stare down as she drove down the wrong way in an aisle of a parking lot. She looked at me as she squeezed past and asked in a defensive manner "What?" She knew darn well what I was expressing. I did not need to say more. I would not suggest elevating the potential for actual combat by displaying the middle finger.

[Stacy Darling]

There is a house 3 doors up for sale, and I'm looking for nice neighbours!
Guess I like to have nice people about!

- - - Updated - - -


The return stare-down might be seen as empowering but in my opinion it is also a form of aggression, no different than what you perceive the other person is doing to you. Granted you are in mixed mode but one in full female presentation wouldn't be inviting any positive interactions by staring down anyone who gives more than a passing glance.

What is wrong with going about your business and being oblivious to what others do or think? Or are you looking for confrontation???
Never looking for confrontation, doesn't end well!

[LilSissyStevie]

Around here mad dogging some thug could be a ticket to an early grave. Maybe he didn't see a guy wearing a pink scarf as much of a threat. Not a risk I'd be willing to take unless I could back it up. Look away, live to fight another day.

[Lorileah]

Think about what you said. You made an instant opinion of the person. You categorized instantly. You refer to him by his tattoos. Then you complain he stared at you when you didn't fit the profile he expected. You noted him and noted he "stared" at you. His impression was probably you stared at him. You did, after all, at least long enough to note his ink.

This is a "Pot/kettle" thing to me. You let's say he stared first. You stared back. Now what do MEN do at that point. They upscale the aggression. He stared longer. You stare harder. You think you won. He thinks he did. If neither of you had assumed you won, one would have had to back off and drop the gaze.

Here's the point, and I hate the idea here of "passing", but you should expect people to notice when you don't fit "norms". If you think everyone who stares is being aggressive, then it may escalate. On the other hand, you didn't fit what he expected, so he looked longer. He didn't fit the profile either and I am sure he has had his share of long looks.

So many here want to be girly or act feminine and yet retain traits that are in direct conflict to that. Did you feel in any way threatened? Did he say anything? Make a move? or Just stare? Methinks you are reading tons more into this than actually happened

[Majella St Gerard]

Am I missing something here? Where was the confrontation? Is a long glance some kind of provocation. I'm just not getting the whole conversation here. Someone goes out in a mix of male and female presentation and gets their panties in a bunch over a long glance. Someone point out what I'm missing here.

[Stacy Darling]

I'm hearing you!

[Tracii G]

If you stare back then you are no better than him.
You can look then look away and forget about it.
I think the point is you are doing the man thing by staring back......stop it.LOL

[DIANEF]

People are so unpredictable nowadays I wouldn't risk staring at anyone. If someone is staring at me, ignore it and move on.

[Pat]

Funny how things get synchronous sometimes. I was just idly YouTube-ing (Yes, it's a word. Now.) and I ran across Eddie Izzard talking about this very thing in his very rambling, stream-of-consciousness Eddie Izzard way: https://youtu.be/ZpPPaMazpf0

I'm particularly taken with his idea of giving out a "non-victim vibe" since I think that's part of what I do and a large part of why I can do it successfully. I think the majority of people base their behavior based on the cues you give off. They don't mess with a person who clearly believes they belong where they are, but they pick up on any uncertainty you project. Good safety tip.

[Leslie Langford]

Ummm...let me understand this correctly...a facially tattooed guy giving YOU the stink-eye for being in 50/50 mode?

As in the kettle calling the pot black? As in his choice of how he presents himself in public, his obvious fashion "brand", and what turns his crank despite also being somewhat non-mainstream is somehow superior to yours?

The logic escapes me...

[AllieSF]

Leslie there are "looks" and then there are "looks", with varying reasons for the seemingly same "looks"!