It's happening, don't know what to do.

[Brooke B]

To put you at speed: I'm in a DADT situation. My wife has never caught me dressed and only found out about my dressing by finding a picture of me one time. I keep it all in to myself and never lead anything on. Today out of the blue my child had painted his nails. You could just see in his eyes this was no accident when asked why. She wants answers and for me to do something so he understands what he did. I really don't have a stand to be against it as I would be a hypocrite. What would you do?

[IleneD]

Tammy,
What a pickle, but love solves a lot of problems. Keep it in that light.
First, ask your wife to calm down and not get upset about what your son did. Don't make a big deal of it with your son (if it's not too late).
Then suck it up, dear. You may need to set the wayback machine to when your wife found the picture, and then be as honest as you can bring yourself.
It sounds like your son discovered this on his own and without your influence, so there's no blame on you (so to speak). It's a great opportunity to help everyone around you understand how to put male femininity into proper perspective, and without shame.

[colleen ps]

I dont see a problem here. A few of my male nephews have done this and a couple have their toes painted all the time. Times are a changing and acceptance is on its way. My nephews parents actively encourage them to express themselves in whatever way they want to within reason. One in particular sometimes plays in the garden in a dress and even went to a school book character day as the main character from the book by David Walliams called " the boy in a dress. This may seem to indicate gender issues, but believe me, he is a real boy through and through, he just likes to be different now and then.

[jennifer0918]

How old is the child?
This is a tough one. Good luck

[sometimes_miss]

It depends on why he did it. Remember, it's not all that unusual for male entertainers (especially in the music industry) to use nail polish. I mean, not a lot of them do, but enough so it's within the realm of normal for their vocation even if they're straight. It's up to you to find out what's going on in his head, don't presume anything (as it turns out your wife had done).

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I think you need to be very cautious. Firstly any decision on child rearing needs to be totally mutual, all you can do is express your opinion as a 50/50 stakeholder. Secondly your wife may feel you have in some subtle way, conscious or unconscious, influenced or encouraged your son to display CD behaviour- and she may be angry about this.

I would tell her that in your opinion he should be free to express himself however he likes, that nothing is ever gained by repression, but keep emphasising that although you have insight into crossdressing, all decisions about your son should be made as a couple.

[Stephanie47]

Sounds as if your wife is telling you to tell the kid it's wrong for a boy to paint his nails. I'm also postulating she believes you had an influence on his behavior...hereditary? You did not tell us why he painted his nails. What was his answer? Mom paints her nails? Sisters? Female cousins? I would not make a big deal about it. Tell your wife to ask him why. Whose nail polish was it anyway?

[rebecca34]

Out of the blue my 6 year old son decided he wanted his nails painted. He's an outdoors-y, football, muddy garden type of child and he happily sat while my wife painted his finger and toe nails. He was good like that for a couple of days before we cleaned his nails off for school.

He hasn't mentioned it before or since.

I think perhaps your wife may be looking to you for an explanation when there really isn't one, or that somehow it's your 'fault'. It's not wrong, just one of those things that children do, or they don't do.

[Tracii G]

How old is he?
Tell your wife she is nuts.
Just because she saw a pic of you dressed doesn't have any thing to do with your son painting his nails.
If she is soooo upset tell her to keep track of her nail polish and don't leave it out where the child can get to it.
She should be doing that anyway but do make the point of telling her.
If she has issues with it how about her asking the child himself?

[Nicole11]

Gender roles run deep in families and your wife may be upset or confused why your son put on nail polish. It sounds like your wife is trying to put the blame on you consciously or unconsciously because you crossdress. It most likely has no connection. Boys sometimes dress up or exhibit female characteristics and it probably does not mean much. He will probably move on from it soon and be back boys stuff and it won't be an issue. If it keeps happening, you and your wife will have to agree on how to proceed. It might mean that you will have to discuss your crossdressing with her if she tries to blame you for his new behavior. I agree it is not your fault.

[GretchenM]

Tammy,

Please go to the New York Times website and go back in the past issues. Look up August 8, 2012. There is a fabulous article in there about how to deal with situations like this. It discusses the question of what to do when your son wants to wear a dress. Nail polish is not a dress, but psychologically it may be the same thing.

DO NOT make a big deal of it or you will quite possibly screw up your kid for the rest of his life. The article explains it. As parents you need to accept his desire to explore gender expression. It is a different world today for the youngsters than it was for us, especially so if you are in your sixties or seventies. But also for younger parents. Boys naturally are curious about what girls wear. Girls are sometimes the same way about boys. In society's eyes it is OK for a girl to be a tomboy, but for a boy to be like a girl is a terrible thing. Double standard. Please read the article in the NY Times.

I really wish my mother had had access to that article back in 1952 or 1953 when I told her I wanted to be a girl and she tactfully told me I couldn't and that is all there is to it. I more than likely would have outgrown it and the last 60+ years, except for the last 4, would not have been dedicated to destroying that bitch that keeps making me feel wrong so often. I finally accepted her and now, to some extent, am fulfilling that desire I had when I was 8 or 9 years old. Problem is, I am now 72 and all that anger, shame and deplorable behavior was not necessary. Life goes on. Please read the article.

[Allisa]

Depending on your sons age, I remember growing ones hair long was a way of rebellion. I have seen more and more boys(mostly teens and slightly older)wearing polish, mostly darker colors but polish non the less.

[phili]

She wants answers and for me to do something so he understands what he did. I really don't have a stand to be against it as I would be a hypocrite. What would you do?

I would stand up for him- sit him down and say tell me about this - in a very warm and compassionate way, so he can see that he doesn't have to be afraid, hide, etc. That will be the 'answers' part. Then help him explore, if needed, which is the 'understands what he did' part. It is not that he DID SOMETHING VERY WRONG- we know that, and this is the moment to go back to your wife and tell her exactly what he said, and where you stand on helping him grow up emotionally balanced about gender roles.

Is your uncertainty coming from your own acceptance that YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG? You aren't, you are coping with an unhuman child rearing system the best you can.And there is no one better than you to help your son.

[kimdl93]

All the comments lead in one direction, which is suggest (kindly) that this is no big deal. I don't care if the child is six, nine or fifteen, (although I'm guessing he is relatively young). The fact is that kids experiment. That's how they learn what interests them, how they very gradually form an identity of their own. Best option is to let it be... there's no reason to make any deal out of it at all.

And if later in life, your wife needs to understand that, even if child exhibits some gender variation, there's no cause and effect. We don't send out subliminal messages. There's scant evidence of genetic or environmental factors. It just happens!

[Lauri K]

I don't really see this as anything but "normal", every kid has played with nail polish at some point or another.

On Saturday I was at the nail salon and the lady in the chair next to me said when her polish get low or old she gives them to her grand-kids to play with ( she never mentioned gender , just grand kids )

I am afraid you have a serious case of an over reacting / far reaching wife on your hands

[DIANEF]

I would assume your son knows nothing of your CDing so him using nail colour would be totally unrelated. Seems your wife has siezed on this to make issues with you about your cross dressing.

[Lana Mae]

Painting fingernails is normal male behavior when young as it is part of them experiencing the gender things! He has not done anything wrong! Your wife needs to calm down and let him have his childhood! There is even some reversal of gender roles in children's role playing! This phase of their lives helps them understand gender! Your crossdresssing in no way reflects upon this unless you do something to influence it! IMHO Hugs Lana Mae

[Maria_mtf]

Some very good answers already. Personally I would tell my son he can do what he likes to express himself, within in reason, and just make him aware of social norms and how others may react. That said I would also tell him to ignore others so long as he was aware.

I don't actually want my son to crossdress as it just adds another complexity in life, but it's not fair of me to push him to it or away from it. His cousin already has had him in a dress at age 1, she was 2, hope it doesn't stick!

[redtea]

I had my toes painted when I was 6, Kids are just curious and lack homophobia. Homophobia being of course, The fear of doing anything that would make them seem gay.

My mom thought there was some strong feminine side that needed to be nurtured and bought me a doll. I was very confused as a boy and genuinely was against getting the doll. She got a doll for me anyways because she thought I was in denial. I played with it once feeling it would be a waste to not appreciate something but I didn't see the point and stuck to my army men and matchbox cars.


The correct response would be...no response.
Or you tell your kid that nail polish is for girls only and try to steer him away from going down the same path you did.


For me however, I didn't ever think about crossdressing until all the males in my life vanished.