Good day that went south

[Tracy Ann]

Last few days have been great. Wearing the skirt we picked around the house and my wife said I needed to shave my legs. Great as I was not sure how to approach her on this. Shaved my legs and SO said better, nice and smooth.

Today we went shopping for clothes and a few things for the camper. Went to one Goodwill and did not find anything. Went to a second one a found a couple of tops for me and a few items for the wife. I made the mistake of saying I was disappointed I could not find any skirts. A little later I said I needed to find a black skirt or pants to go with a black and gold top I just got.

My wife made a 180 degree turn around and was upset that I wanted a skirt. I guess I forgot to take it SLOW!!! I'm quite talking the rest of the day and she keeps asking me what's wrong. Sure not going there for a while.

Funny how great expectations can crush so fast.

Sorry, just wanted to vent and have no where else to go with it..

[Jaylyn]

You will finally come to know to let things move slow and count your blessings of the tops. Who knows what happened to her in making a complete turn but GG do that from time to time. Remember it's give and take and work with what you can till they are comfortable then slip another small thing in. Slow down and enjoy the ride.

[Micki_Finn]

I'm confused. Your wife saw you wearing a skirt and suggested you shave your legs, but then got upset when you wanted another one? There's GOT to be more to this story. Was she mad because you implied the one you picked out together wasn't good enough? Was she mad because you had bought girly stuff without her? Was the skirt you wanted maybe a little "trampy?" There's obviously more going on if she was ok with one skirt but not another.

[Aunt Kelly]

Get used to it, Tracy. Your wife is still figuring out how she feels about this. Until she's there, her reactions will be unpredictable. Try to keep in mind that this is tough for her. Counseling might help, but it can't be seen as a ploy to get her to accept more of what she's already afraid of. Take it slower, and when you gauge that she'd be receptive to opening a discussion, ask what her concerns are. Listen empathetically. Make sure you understand what those concerns are, then make sure that she knows that you understand that. Then you can ask what you might do to alleviate some of that concern.
It's a dance some of us master, most of us struggle with, and some of us fail at miserably. It sounds like you have a good start, so just make sure the missteps are small ones.


Hugs,


Kelly

[Dana44]

Tracy you overdid it and she needs time to Process. Tell her I am sorry and we will go slow.

[Tracii G]

In your discussions thru out the day were they all centered around you and your crossdressing?
Seems like you pushed too hard and you tripped her trigger.
Back to square one I guess.

[Jodie_Lynn]

Baby steps. Remember that despite the seemingly large percentage of forumites who claim to have an understanding supportive wife, this is difficult for most women to accept & deal with. Remember also, it's not all about YOU! She is your partner, keep in mind her wants, needs, and desires as well.

[Tracy Ann]

Tracy you overdid it and she needs time to Process. Tell her I am sorry and we will go slow.

Thanks everyone for the replies. Getting feedback helps with how I'm feeling.

I think you hit it on the head. She really did not want me to get the first skirt. She thought it was crossing the line last week. Got her to let me get one, and right off the bat I wanted more. I guess the Pink Fog is my drug of choice!

I'm 67 and a little late to the party. So much to wear and so little time!

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In your discussions thru out the day were they all centered around you and your crossdressing?
Seems like you pushed too hard and you tripped her trigger.
Back to square one I guess.

Tracii. Were you spying on me today? I did not see you but your correct. We did a lot of things together today, at her choosing, but the conversation always ended up on buying clothes. I guess I talked about it to much. I want to act like it's no big deal, but I don't!

[Helen_Highwater]

Can I suggest you replace, "I need" with "What do you think would go with the...". Changing from expressing an opinion to asking for an opinion is a whole game changer. It's the same as, "Do you think this would go with", "What would you put with this top/blouse/skirt". It's subtle even subliminal but it changes the whole landscape. Even saying, "I think a pencil skirt would go well with this, what do you think?" moves the mindset in your favour.

[Joni T]

Never pass up an opportunity to remain quiet.
Jon

[Tracy Ann]

I had the right to be quite, but evidently not the ability :)

[Joni T]

It comes with age. And three marriages.
Jon

[ginapoodle]

Tracy Ann,

Venting is healthy. Wives can be..well....fickle and unpredictable..and just plain human with moods. My wife is similar...and frankly she intimidates me with her often harsh words, attitude and such...I am praying to have the right words, at the right time to re-engage her and see if we can update our relationship to where I am right now.

Yes, me too: would love to shave legs...but won't do it without a discussion first.

[Tina_gm]

I am thinking it's like she was trying to get used to the water, dipping her feet in and before she could even feel comfortable with that you threw her in the deep end and the reaction anyone gets to cold water, taking our breath away, locking up and wanting to get the hell out of there. I think emotionally that is what might have happened. Also that it became all about you. I need to get this, I want to get that.... It became your trip, not a trip for the both of you.

[Tracy Ann]

It comes with age. And three marriages.
Jon

Joni, I'm 67 and on my third marriage. I guess I just got too excited!

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I am thinking it's like she was trying to get used to the water, dipping her feet in and before she could even feel comfortable with that you threw her in the deep end and the reaction anyone gets to cold water, taking our breath away, locking up and wanting to get the hell out of there. I think emotionally that is what might have happened. Also that it became all about you. I need to get this, I want to get that.... It became your trip, not a trip for the both of you.

Good analogy gendermutt. I tend to go overboard on most things I do. Wife tells me I become obsessed with most of my projects and hobbies.

As so many Ladies here have said, go slow. That's hard for me but I'll have to learn to make this enjoyable and keep it in the open at home. Would never want to hide anything from the SO.

Thanks for the comments and advice.

[Maria 60]

Well you came to the right place to vent I do it all the time. As my dad told me years ago, if you want to live a happy life don't try to figure women out. What's great today isn't good tomorrow, I find with my wife timing is everything, one minute she wants nothing to do with it and the next minute she comes home and buys me panties or a bra.
My only advice is take it slow I know it's hard but with myself I try to take it slow but I also try to be firm about it always trying to keep the subject on the table.

[krissysSecret]

Can I suggest you replace, "I need" with "What do you think would go with the...". Changing from expressing an opinion to asking for an opinion is a whole game changer. It's the same as, "Do you think this would go with", "What would you put with this top/blouse/skirt". It's subtle even subliminal but it changes the whole landscape. Even saying, "I think a pencil skirt would go well with this, what do you think?" moves the mindset in your favour.

I think that these are wise words from Helen. I like how it moves the conversation to your wife's side and maybe she'll provide you with some positive input or suggestions.
The whole " I need or I want" probably leads your wife to thinking that this need or want situation will never end!
Krissy

[Taylor186]

Wives can be..well....fickle and unpredictable..and just plain human with moods.

This goes for husbands too. Particularly those who crossdress.

[docrobbysherry]

Tracy Ann, if u can go slow, fine. If not, don't. Like me, you're running out of time. If u want to dress more, u need to tell her that. If she doesn't want to know or see it, fine. She doesn't have to be involved. Arrange to dress when she's out. But, the worst things u can do r:

1. Become completely obsessed with dressing because u feel u can't. U will end up resenting/blaming your SO!:Angry3:

2. Start sneaking around behind her back. The guilt becomes over whelming. And, then u get caught!:doh:

No one who has a strong desire to dress should be completely influenced by their partner's like or dislike of it. There's enuff stress in marriages without adding that one!:sad:
WORK OUT A COMPROMISE!:thumbsup:

[Jodie_Lynn]

No one who has a strong desire to dress should be completely influenced by their partner's like or dislike of it. There's enuff stress in marriages without adding that one!:sad:
WORK OUT A COMPROMISE!:thumbsup:

Really? And what world do you live in?

Lets try an experiment; try substituting 'crossdressing' with some other behavior and see if your solution floats, yeah?

No one who has a strong desire to DRINK TO EXCESS should be completely influenced by their partner's like or dislike of it.

No one who has a strong desire to GAMBLE THE RENT MONEY should be completely influenced by their partner's like or dislike of it.

No one who has a strong desire to CHEAT should be completely influenced by their partner's like or dislike of it.

No one who has a strong desire to DO DRUGS should be completely influenced by their partner's like or dislike of it.

No one who has a strong desire to BE SLOVENLY should be completely influenced by their partner's like or dislike of it.

A Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Compromise is a necessity in some areas. However, some things are all or nothing proposals where no compromise can be reached. Example, one partner desperately wants kids, the other is dead set against it.

To say that one should just do as he/she pleases, without regards for their partners desires is just as awful as completely kowtowing to the partners demands!

It seems to me that the OP's wife was willing to participate, but that the OP pushed too far, too fast. We say that we want to be free to express ourselves, but we don't live in a vacuum, especially in a marriage; we should be considerate of others feeling, fears, and limits.

[Pat]

Can I suggest you replace, "I need" with "What do you think would go with the...". Changing from expressing an opinion to asking for an opinion is a whole game changer.

I think that's the best piece of advice you'll ever get. Men and women communicate differently. Men 'want' and 'need' - terms that brook no interference. Women use softer terms and invite interaction.

The classic example in the literature is a couple driving down the road, where the woman says, "There's a gas station coming up. Would you like to stop and get something to drink?" The man says, "No, I'm not thirsty." and keeps driving. The woman gets mad. She wanted to stop and get a drink. She phrased the question such that another woman would answer, "Not me, thanks, but would you like to get one?"

If you had said, "Do you know that black and gold top I have? Do you think we could find a skirt that would look good with that?" you probably wouldn't have had to sulk for the rest of the day. ;)

[Ariana225]

Treat your wife as the expert in all things feminine. Ask her opinion about everything when she is in the mood to talk about it. Even if you think you know everything already, keep asking for advice. I've witnessed that even GGs talk to each other and want each other's opinions on a cute piece of clothing, makeup, etc. "I need and I want" end the conversation and deminishes her opinion. Always end your sentence with a question and I think you will be fine imo.

[Tracy Ann]

A Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. Compromise is a necessity in some areas. However, some things are all or nothing proposals where no compromise can be reached. Example, one partner desperately wants kids, the other is dead set against it.

To say that one should just do as he/she pleases, without regards for their partners desires is just as awful as completely kowtowing to the partners demands!

It seems to me that the OP's wife was willing to participate, but that the OP pushed too far, too fast. We say that we want to be free to express ourselves, but we don't live in a vacuum, especially in a marriage; we should be considerate of others feeling, fears, and limits.

So true Jodie_Lynn. My wife and I are partners in life. Life is good, and I just got too excited and carried away. And I was thinking just about me instead of us. Got to go at her pace. She is coming around slowly and I need to learn patience.