My wifes fears

[leannejacobs]

My wife informed me today that I left her last night,,,, ok it was a dream she had, I said jokingly "who for?" she said "You dont want to know" I replied "why? was she ugly?", she laughed and said "No, you left me to go live your life as a woman" Ouch! I've made it quite clear that I have no interest in transitioning but this is obviously something that worries her subconsciously.

We have a loving relationship and she supports my need to dress very well. How do I put her mind at ease? I've been at home for some time lately, signed off my work, I know she has no idea how often I think about dressing and I havent been dressing that much lately due to our son living with us, so where this has come from I don't know, any ideas what would make her think such a thing?

[ClosetED]

I would guess this is a constant fear for most wives. They hear in the news about TS's like Jenner and not about crossdressers. So they think it is inevitable. Education would help, but most won't come to this site or other accurate sources to learn - the fall into crossdresserswives.com. Of course, a wife who was fully accepting would still stay with a man who decided to live 24/7, or at least try it out for a while.
Just my thoughts,
Hugs, Ellen

[Dana44]

They say dreams are a conscious and subconscious thought process that may work on a subtle problem solving. However we take in news and information every day. It is only a dream and I would tell her that she is the only girl in this house and that you love her. I would talk it over with her and any question she asks I would tell her to your best ability.

[Elizabeth G]

I, and I assume most of us here, have had many dreams which haven't and have no chance of ever coming true. Perhaps a gentle reminder of this might help?

It's hard though, dreams can be strong and vivid - my ex used to get angry at me when she had dreams in which I played a less than favorable role.

[Judy-Somthing]

Over the last 18 months I told my wife I've dressed behind her back off and on through our marriage and four months ago she told me I ruined her life!

Well since then I haven't dressed and thinks for the most part seem back to normal.
She still throws out a dig once in a while when she sees a CDer on TV.

[JenniferMBlack]

Maybe she is just realizing you have been home a while and you haven't dressed much lately. So she is thinking you nees to get out or what ever and dress.

[Salina]

My wife has the same fear and I have always told her adamantly that it's not something I desire. I started seeing a therapist a few months ago and I have discovered that since I was very young (5 yrs old) that I have wanted to live my life as a female. I had suppressed it and denied it for years. Now that I've made that discovery, I am working on deciding what path I'm going to take. I have a nice life and my wife loves me after all these years so I'
have a tough time thinking I could walk away from that. My hope at this point is that we can come to an agreement on me living more of a fluid kind of life. I think she saw something in me that I wouldn't and couldn't see in myself.

[Charlotte Ann]

As a GG and wife I can relate to the fear that being said it doesn't mean I truly understand it . I never fear our relationship ending if he choose to live as a woman . I fear only that he won't if that's what he truly wants .

[leannejacobs]

Over the last 18 months I told my wife I've dressed behind her back off and on through our marriage and four months ago she told me I ruined her life.

Judy-something, I sympathise with your situation, when I told my wife the thing that hurt the most was the fact that I'd hidden it from her for a number of years, my dressing started when I was very young but it lay dormant for many years, including the first fifteen years of our marriage, it was a shock for her at first but once she's had time to digest it she slowly came round, now I can dress in front of her without issue, the only problem is my son being at home, grrr! Perhaps once your wife gets used to the idea you may find yourself in a similar situation to me, just take it slowly.

[Lisa85]

That question seems to come up every 6 months to a year. It's normal. Kind of like the fear that will end up as a homeless bag lady. Reassure and share what you can.

[docrobbysherry]

Leanne, there's not much u can do in the short term. Just keep being honest with her about your dressing. No hiding or lying. In time, she will realize her fears r unjustified!:thumbsup:

[IleneD]

Leanne,
I just posted a thread about the subject of "coming out", being honest, and the horrible consequences of doing the right thing. (and it was deleted by the monitors for reasons I can't yet fathom; something about "Leaving Thread Not Allowed."

It has cost me, or very nearly cost me, my marriage over the last year since coming out. When I did it, The Wife told me straight up that it changed our relationship forever. I had no clue how right and how far that might go.

Honesty and openness is indeed the best and only policy in life. I kept my secret for a long time, but it had to come out. Just don't fool yourself into thinking (as is the case with many Members' stories) that the spouse is going to be genuinely understanding or accepting. Sometimes they lack the capacity to understand the one thing that makes sense to you. They just can't do it.

I put away all my Ilene things today. It hurt. It hurt deeply, and will continue to hurt. A human being can't just cut off a part of themselves and not expect to bleed. At this moment, I'm crestfallen. I don't know if Ilene can live again back in the closet.

[Jaylyn]

No one can really dream the future I think. Dreams or the subconscious mind play over a deep inner feeling, an event withe theme from the past, or even sometimes an controversial subject which happened that struck a chord in our hearts or a thought we've had. I used to dream all the time. Now the older I am getting it is more dreams about things that happened while growing up. One of my crazy dreams was I was nude in a room full of dressed people and I was running every where trying to hide.
My suggestion is to always reassure her about how much she is loved and that no matter how far you go in dressing you'll always love her and her only. Tell her Leanne is just a fictional character you enjoy portraying and it relaxes you. Be honest and always keep the subject of Leanne light and cheerful.
She is dreaming I would say about a fear she hasn't let out yet. Head that fear off by reassurance.

[Leslie Mary S]

You might tell your wife that on occasion men have nightmares where they loosing their wife to another person. It was one I had, and still do have, about my deceased wife when she started working in a male rich office.

[ginapoodle]

Leanne,

Perhaps your wife is just seeking assurances and dialog? Keep responding in your loving way.

For me, I struggled with discussion with my wife until I recently figured out I am non-binary, non-gay and no desire to ever transition or live full time. Self-knowledge is your key asset. Remember, you can only change yourself. Blessings!

[Pumped]

My wife has recently accepted my CD'ing. Her big concern was I would want to transition. I assured her I am a man that just likes the pink frillies once in while and she is stuck with my insanity. I told her I would make on awful looking woman so I am not even considering it!

I was out of town over night and we talked on the phone. She asked me if I had brought my high heels, then went on to ask if I had brought different clothing, undies, stockings and so on. Then she asked me what I was wearing as it was late in the evening and I was in my motel room, guy's jeans, guy's polo, and boots I told her. "How boring!" she said! I did take some time to dress a bit before I went to sleep.

[Alice B]

I do not think it is anything to fear. Itis just a dream and although it may express a hidden fear it is nothing to fear itself. I have had nightmares that my wife is leaving me for another, but know that that will never happen. We discuss these dreams and I am always assured that there is nothing to fear. Just assure her that there is nothing to fear

[Teresa]

Leanne,
I'm afraid that dream is becoming a reality for me .
To some it sounds like the end of the World in fact it's working out OK at the moment.

The bottom line is my wife honestly can't live with my CDing and I can't honestly live without it. We have both agreed we now need a space between us . The plus side is it's given us the motivation to clear the house of all our clutter, deciding what is important and what isn't so we can put it on the market and downsize , OK we are then going to buy separate homes some distance apart but we both intend to continue to support the rest of the family.
Maybe it is sad that we are being totally honest with each other because we feel we have nothing to lose, we both feel we are doing the right thing we are becoming more unhappy with the current situation, we have had more laughs now over the implications of living separate lives so obviously it was an inevitable outcome . Maybe my CDing isn't the whole story and maybe we may come back together in the future, to know I will finally free of DADT is a huge relief for me and my wife will have the weight lifted off her shoulders. She will still have the burden of explaining the separation to our friends , at the moment she is content in telling people we have drifted apart .

The subject of honesty often comes up on the forum well we have been totally honest with each other and we are both happy with the decision, it may be the best thing to happen to both of us when the dust settles.

[GretchenM]

Leanne,

Dreams sometimes reflect fears or problems the brain is mulling over - maybe. But they are mostly thought to be the brain sorting through the accumulated trash memories of experiences, rearranging some to recall more easily, and deleting a lot. To do that, the brain apparently needs to regenerate the memory first and then "decide" what to do with it. It kind of has to relive the experience to recall it so it can be dealt with appropriately, whatever the brain means by that. That is why so many vivid dreams are so weird - random images and memories being regenerated at the same time and in no particular order, compared, and then dealt with. It is also thought that when we remember dreams we don't remember the whole thing, but only those parts that make sense in some kind of context. We often place a bit too much emphasis on our dreams representing reality. The brain knows what it is doing.

As for the fears, those are real and as the brain is a time sharing computer of sorts, it switches back and forth between tasks and when you are dreaming the problem solving processes in the pre-frontal cortex gets mixed with trash management tasks in the memory banks. We can draw very wrong conclusions if we do not realize that dreams are not necessarily rational, but we try to force rationality by arranging the images and thoughts that appear during dreaming into meaningful sequences. But sometimes, dreams are derived from rational problem solving. The problem is, although the brain knows what is what, our conscious processes didn't get the memo and we end up imagining all kinds of things.

But the bottomline is that nobody really knows exactly what dreams are all about. It seems to be some kind of mysterious process the brain goes through when we are asleep and it has time on it's hands. And apparently most animals also dream. You may take naps, but your brain never really goes to sleep. It is always busy doing something. So, I would not place much concern on your wife's dream and she probably shouldn't either. It is the conscious world that matters - the dream world is just weird and apparently rarely means much of anything. Get a good laugh out of it and move on in your daily life. Place your faith in your relationship which you say is loving and your wife is supportive. Assure her that her dream is not reality and your love for her is a conscious force that isn't going to go anywhere anytime soon.

[Stacy Darling]

To some of our wives we may be seen as unpredictable or unstable. Even if we have no desire to leave or choose a different lifestyle, I believe that some of our wives aren't so sure. If I were my wife, I would fear me leaving!

Being at home after signing off can make a difference as well, not having the husband coming home from work in the evening dressed in his work clothes scenario, can possibly seem if things are less secure in life!

I'm much younger, retired with no ties. I can see the fear in my wife's eyes! But have no answer!
Stacy!

[DIANEF]

I put away all my Ilene things today..

Oh Ilene, you always look so refined and classy. I hope your absence from dressing doesn't last too long.
Diane. :sad:

[T Gram]

When I learned about my hubby's CD i kind of freaked out. I was worried he wanted to "transition" he assured me he did not. He just likes to walk on the Girly side sometimes. It's kind of good to know he's more in touch with his fem side. I believe it makes him more conscious and sympathetic to my feelings and emotions. When he's in fem mode we have great "girl time" I have the best of both worlds. An amazing husband and a best friend.

[Sometimes Steffi]

T Gram

Damn. Why are the good ones always married?

Just joking. I'm married, but I'm jealous. I hope that's not too forward of me.

My wife never forgets that I ruined her life. She pretty much keeps it to herself, but when she gets angry about something else, she never forgets to throw it *all* back at me.

[Tracii G]

T Gram that is such an awesome way to look at it.
You have such wisdom its refreshing.

[jack-ie]

T Gram, That's wonderful. Funny how you share things with each other during those girl times that you wouldn't ever share otherwise.

[Krisi]

Leanne, your wife might have had that dream or she might have made it up just to get your reaction. You'll never know.

And the practical part - you wouldn't have to leave her to live your life as a woman. That is of course, if she would go along with it. Just for kicks, why not ask her?

[NancySue]

Another thought, oversimplified, Freud's treatise on dreams is they are...many times "wishes and fears". How many of us have had dreams of wishing for something we want or fears...like getting caught? I have. With so relatively little known about us, I can see a wife having a "fearful" dream. In the beginning, while my wife totally supports and helps me, she's had them...not often. We'd discuss them, which helped to eliminate the "fear dreams". Living in a smaller town, getting caught/read is our #1 fear.

[rian]

I agree , my wife knows about my crossdressing yet she hates it when i dress ,,,she always told me that she feel that there is a competition between two women because i look lovely and more sometimes ...

[char GG]

When a GG looks at this forum, she sees all the variations on CDing. There are the occasional - take it or leave it people, the ones who do it more and more as time goes on, all the way to those that escalate to the point of transitioning. You may want to let her know where you are on the spectrum. It may help her know what is in the possible future.

[Territx]

Not to diminish the feelings at all, but everyone has dreams that can be linked to something that makes little or no sense. This past weekend, there was a marathon of the "Harry Potter" movies and we watched part of one before going to bed. Wife woke the next morning having fought "Deatheaters" in her dreams. My point is, that sometimes these things are linked to our subconscious and other times . . . well, who knows. And remember, the psychological analysis you get on this thread is worth every bit of the :2c: you paid for it. :)

[ellbee]

Leanne, your wife might have had that dream or she might have made it up just to get your reaction. You'll never know.

My immediate thought, exactly.


But regardless, I suppose it doesn't really matter. What does matter, is that she brought up the subject...

[Stephanie47]

I don't think her dream was anything out of the ordinary. Everyone has a weird dream. Probably every night. Telling you she had that dream, whether she actually did or not, is her way of expressing her fear....losing her husband.

[leannejacobs]

She's had the same dream a number of times now, she says I left her to live my life as a woman,,,, ain't gonna happen! To be fair, I've had dreams or nightmares to be precise of her leaving me, I have no idea where these insecurities are coming from, we're otherwise very happily married and solid as a rock.

[Krisi]

As I posted above, you wouldn't have to leave her to live your wife as a woman. Tell her that if you wanted to live your life as a woman you would stay with her and both be lesbians. Se how she reacts to that.

[Ashleyrobyn831]

It's a perfectly human thing your wife is dealing with. No matter how well you know and trust someone, you can't ever really know everything that's in their heart, and that's where normal fears and insecurities can creep in. Just to illustrate:
I've been with my wife since 92, when I was 13, with her aware and supportive of my lifestyle from day one; I've lived exclusively as a woman since 98, even to wearing a wedding dress to ceremony and reception when we got married. Still, after all these years, even though in her head she knows I'm 100% committed to and happy with her, she will still have moments of insecurity once a year or so where she'll question whether she can truly be enough for me and whether I won't eventually want to find a man to treat me more "like a woman". See, logically she knows that it doesn't take a man for a woman to feel like a woman, and that even were we not together I'd have no interest in men, but that old insipid programming of the standard men-with-women societal norms that's drilled into us in childhood sneaks in through the cracks to play on vulnerabilities and fears in ways that have nothing to do with logic and reason.
Even though after so many years my knee jerk reaction is to feel affronted, like "how can you not trust me?", I remind myself that fears aren't based on logic, and that not only does her periodic fear not mean she doesn't trust me but that her sharing that fear with me proves that she does in fact trust me. From there it's a simple matter to remind her in word and deed that she's all I ever wanted or dared hope for.
And on the very rare occasions when her fear is that I'll want to experience being with a man sexually, we found that allowing her to assume the role of a man via a prosthetic has the dual effect of A) calming her fear because she has addressed the desire she was afraid I might develop, and B) gives her a unique sense of control and confidence born of having been granted the most intimate possible form of trust in surrendering my body to her, which has the effect of being the insecurities that created her fears in the first place. So whether it's as simple as a few words spoken or as involved as a physical demonstration of commitment, all a fearful wife really needs is to be reassured that she's enough for you and fulfills all your needs, because her fear isn't really about what you might do, it's about her doubting her ability to be what you need. Which is silly, really, because most wives/SO's are already stronger and more capable than we will ever be.. 😊

[Stephanie47]

She's had the same dream a number of times now, she says I left her to live my life as a woman,,,, ain't gonna happen! To be fair, I've had dreams or nightmares to be precise of her leaving me, I have no idea where these insecurities are coming from, we're otherwise very happily married and solid as a rock.

Perhaps you and your wife should sit down over a cup of coffee/tea and discuss each others dreams. The insecurity probably is coming from the fact cross dressing is something out of the ordinary in any marriage. Perhaps you have been creeping steadily down the cross dressing continuum and it has come of concern for her.

I know when I started all I did was wear a nightgown on occasion. Then it was slips and panties. Then add a bra. Then came the heels. Then came dresses. Then the wig. I just did not show up one day fully en femme. It was seemingly at a glacial pace. First it was hiding behind the drawn drapes. Then it was evening drives. Then it was day trips to the mall. And, so on. If a woman remembers what was happening when cross dressing first started and compares it to the current, she may truly have some concerns.

To tell you about her dreams does suggest to me having that cup of coffee together is in order.

[Tina_gm]

This is a very real issue for my wife. For her she says it's not so much a fear but an uncertainty of the future.

One thing my wife cannot fully understand is how there isn't a choice in all this, at least in how I feel and relate to gender.

I've told my wife numerous times that regardless of what, or how, I would always want to be with her. If I was to transition I would still want to be with her, but also knowing she cannot be with me as a woman. So giving her up wouldn't be a choice between her or my own womanhood.

Truth be told, as time goes on, my own acceptance brings my femininity to more of a dominance. That isn't changing my view of the future, which doesn't include transition, but my femininity is slowly becoming a bigger part of who I am.

As with so many others, it isn't always static, there are times when I feel it stronger than other times. But I guess, actually I know that each time I go through one of these stronger phases, a little more feminitiy stays behind. So over time she is truly seeing me as more and more feminine. So her feelings have a validity to them.

She will recognize my higher feminine energy and wonders if this time it will take over completely, or how much more gets left behind, basically how much more feminine I will become, and if or when she feels that transition or not, will she lose the man she married, and I truly cannot give her any solid answers to that. That too adds to hee uncertainty, and while I still have no plans to transition, I'm not able to help much to her feeling any security with all this.

[Cherylgyno]

Leanne. My wife has known Cheryl for many years. She knows that I wouldn't transition yet it does bother her at times. I don't have any idea what pulls her trigger to make her think that I might at times. After she thinks about what she thought she is very apologetic. My only thought is that of the bigotry of some people might have worn off.