I am new and have questions

[Soapstar411]

Hello,

I am new to this forum. I just recently found out a few months ago that my husband is a cross dresser. I didn't find out through him, I found out from a neighbor who had spotted him numerous times walking outside in women's clothing while I was at work. I was more shocked than anything. I confronted my husband about it and he admitted it was true. He can be a very quiet person and he finds it hard to discuss certain things, including his cross dressing. I asked him what makes him want to dress up like a woman, and he just shrugged his shoulders. Ever since I found out, he is not open about it with me, so I have no clue what he is feeling. I want him to be comfortable with talking to me about this. So I guess my question is, what causes a man to want to cross dress? Maybe if I get an answer from someone who is open to discuss, I may get a better understanding. I love my husband very much, and he was scared to tell me out of fear of me leaving him, but I wouldn't do that. I just want to understand is all. Looking forward to reading your responses. Thank you.

[Rachael Leigh]

Ah the million dollar question, well I'm afraid to tell you there is no one answer, many have had these feelings since childhood, myself included some were dressed by their mom or siblings. There just are so many things that trigger this in
us. Yes I also believe you can be born with this but that more comes with folks who truly are transgender.
Your husband could simply like wearing the clothes.
As you say he needs to talk with you about it, commucation is so important when a spouse finds this out.
I hope he will and give you some answers
Rachel Leigh

[pinklilly211]

Well,, Where do we begin? I've been crossdressing almost all my life, I know how your husband feels. For me it's something that's been with me forever! I just have a need to feel and be girly. I can't explain it, but It's always there. And just so you know, I'm not gay or have ever wanted to be with a man. I can't answer for your husband. you will have to ask or figure that out between the two of you. I guess that I just LOVE the soft and silky. It's so sensual. All I can suggest is try to talk to him in a comfortable situation. Any other questions,, I'm an open book!! Hudds, Lill

[Soapstar411]

Ah the million dollar question, well I'm afraid to tell you there is no one answer, many have had these feelings since childhood, myself included some were dressed by their mom or siblings. There just are so many things that trigger this in
us. Yes I also believe you can be born with this but that more comes with folks who truly are transgender.
Your husband could simply like wearing the clothes.
As you say he needs to talk with you about it, commucation is so important when a spouse finds this out.
I hope he will and give you some answers
Rachel Leigh

I agree, communication is definitely important! The day that I found out and he admitted it to me, he did tell me that it started when he was a kid, and that he was afraid of people finding out and making snide jokes about him having a boyfriend. He is a quiet and shy person who gets embarrassed very easily, which makes it even more harder for me to get him to open up. I asked him if it was more than the clothes, if he wanted to physically make the change into a woman, and he said no. I also asked him if he was or has ever been sexually attracted to men, and again he said no. I guess for me it's just one question after another because the only answer/discussion I got from him was the day I found out, and a little bit the day after. Thank you for your response! I hope he will begin to open up to me.

[prene]

Good Luck.

Communication is the best thing.

For me I have seen a therapist and she helped me.
It can not hurt I think.

Good Luck ... your spouse is lucky to have you.

Great you are here and this is a great site to hopefully get some answers.

[Brandy Mathews]

Soap,
Like Leigh said, this happens sometimes very young, like me, for others, later in life. And we don't even have an answer to it a lot of times ourselves. For me, I had a dad that was very mean, bad temper, made me lean toward my moms ways I think. He actually beat me and I hated him for that! So that is one reason that I love these forums so that at least we can say what we think. One thing that always gets me though, all that stuff happened so long long ago and you think that you could just let it go and forget it, but it just seems to haunt you all your life. ;(

[Soapstar411]

Well,, Where do we begin? I've been crossdressing almost all my life, I know how your husband feels. For me it's something that's been with me forever! I just have a need to feel and be girly. I can't explain it, but It's always there. And just so you know, I'm not gay or have ever wanted to be with a man. I can't answer for your husband. you will have to ask or figure that out between the two of you. I guess that I just LOVE the soft and silky. It's so sensual. All I can suggest is try to talk to him in a comfortable situation. Any other questions,, I'm an open book!! Hudds, Lill

I've wondered if my husband feels the same way. Because the day I found out, my husband told me it started for him when he was a kid. I asked him if he was into men as well and he said no, and that he wants to be with me. I'm honestly surprised too that by how quiet, shy and embarrassing he gets, that he was outside walking in women's clothing in broad daylight for the neighbors to see, yet he wouldn't tell me about it. I do feel hurt though that I had to find out from a neighbor and not from him. I've never actually seen him dressed up in women's clothing, but I do know now when he is crossdressing. He works swingshift now, so on certain nights he will come home and go into the other room, close the door and come out maybe 15 mins later to head to the sink to wash off his makeup. I have seen makeup residue in the sink which is why I know what he is doing at night. He does this thinking that I am sleep the entire time, but I can hear him and I know that he doesn't want me to wake up and walk out there to see him, which is why he has the door shut. He is creeping around and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me. Do a lot of crossdressers feel this way even if a spouse or other family member finds out?

[Connie.Marie]

Soapstar411 let me say that you are a SUPERSTAR for wanting to know more about this and not immediately going on a rampage.

WELCOME to the site, we're glad that you're here. Once you make 10 posts, a lot more of the site will open up to you.

Each of us has our own reasons for doing this & to know for certain in your husbands case, he would need to tell you. This will take a lot of time & communication. As you say, he's afraid that you will leave him and not willing to talk about it. Do all you can to ease his mind. Maybe bring it up in a fun, lighthearted way as opposed to a serious "we've got to talk..." kind of way. He could be ashamed of his actions. Don't be surprised if he really isn't sure. You can read on many of these threads our musings & ramblings trying to figure out the answer to this exact question.

In my case it started with a fascination with cherry red lipstick in about 3rd grade. For me, the desire comes & goes over the years. Some times stronger than others. And the reasons change over the decades. Dressing is very seductive.

Maybe suggest that he read here. Good luck on this road & please don't give up on him.

Hugs, Connie

[Tracii G]

Welcome you have come to the right place to ask questions.
You need to understand he may be dealing with a lot of feelings that he may not have an answer for he may not know why he does it.
If he says he doesn't know he isn't lying to you because he truly may not know.
Keep this little tid bit of info 90% of crossdressing males are straight and married with kids so crossdressing has nothing to do with a persons sexual preference.
Just because he likes to wear womens clothes does not mean he wants to be a woman or that he will turn gay and start liking men.
Oh and another tid bit of info I am gay and none of my gay friends crossdress plus they think its gross and don't understand crossdressing.
I know that may go against what you have always thought but I'm telling you the honest truth.
Gender and sex are two totally different things and if he says he isn't gay then he isn't gay.
He wants to keep it hidden because he may feel guilt and shame because he enjoys it and thinks you will freak out and walk out on him.
Please keep talking and communicating and let him know you love him no matter what and he can tell you anything.
I must insist you keep his trust and don't tell anyone not even your best girlfriend or any of your or his family members.
If you break that trust its just as bad as if he broke trust in you. Trust is everything.

P.S. doing something like snooping around for his stash of dress up clothes is wrong and a trust breaker so PLEASE don't do that for his sake.
He has to feel comfortable in that trust before he can completely open up and discuss what is going on.

[Stephanie_V]

Kudos to you Soapstar for being supportive and wanting to understand! In my case, like many others it started when I was young. All I can say as to why is that at times it just feels 'right'. To echo the others, every person has their own reasons. Only your husband can answer his own personal why.

As for communication, sounds like it's gonna be a hard nut to crack. He has probably been a closeted crossdresser that it's difficult for him to open up about it. Tack on that he's shy makes it more difficult. My suggestion? Write him a letter. Tell him how you feel. List the reasons why you love him. Let him know that although you were shocked, you want to know more so that you can be supportive. Maybe give a list of questions you might have so that he can think of the answers without being overwhelmed.

You can also direct him to this site, it's a great community for both the crossdresser as well as their significant others. It might help him to open up knowing that there are other crossdressers out there like him.

[Tracii G]

Stephanie V makes some great suggestions a letter is a great idea.
Once you get 10 posts you can join the F.A.B (female at birth) section and talk with other women going thru the same thing you are.
Its a great tool for understanding so please join F.A.B first chance you get.

[NewBrendaLee]

I too have crossdresser since I was a young child. Its hard to say other than its a strong desire. When I was in puberty I really enjoyed it.

[jack-ie]

First, let me say that, based on your reaction, you must be a wonderful, loving and caring lady.
Most of us have hidden our desires to dress at some point in our lives. I know I did. It wasn't until I met a loving and understanding woman that I began to dress seriously and it was, as if, a burden had been relieved from my shoulders.
If your husband was outside in femme, I suspect that he, perhaps subconsciously, wanted you to find out but was afraid to broach the subject. Right now I suspect he is full of guilt and see your questions as accusatory.
Become his friend, tell him you just want to help. Maybe offer him some closet space for his "other" things. My Lady very patiently taught me to do my own makeup and dress tastefully. As this was happening, I opened up to her as I had never opened up to anyone before. We became not only man and wife but best friends. We all want a friend to confide in.
You may look back on this as a bump in the road leading to an even stronger relationship.

[Aunt Kelly]

Welcome to the forum, Soapstar41.
Let me add my compliments on your desire to seek out information and understanding. That says a lot. Already you have seen that there will be a firehose of information coming at you. Many of our stories are similar, but everyone is different as well. From all the commonality you can safely take away that being transgender is a fairly... well, common occurrence. A small fraction of the population, yes, but far from rare. What you can take away from all the variety is that there is still a great deal to learn about it. To me, the fact that we come from so many wildly divergent backgrounds and cultures points strongly to it being something we are born with. But that's just me. If you want to review the literature, you'll find no shortage of recommendations.

I'm happy to share my story, if it would help, but it's just one of many. I'd rather focus on your discovery and maybe help you understand what might be going on with him. I emphasize "might" because I'm just working from what I know about others with similar stories. I don't know you or him, so take it for what it's worth.

You've shares that he is already shy and closed-mouthed about his dressing. It is almost certain that he carries around no small amount of shame over it. Most of the people he's ever known have made it clear that what he's doing is "wrong". Maybe he was confronted about it when he was younger, maybe not. It doesn't matter, there's still a lot of misinformed and hateful people out there. That's why he hid it from you. He wasn't sharing his secret by appearing dressed in public. Sometimes even a little anonymity is enough to let someone who desperately needs to express their feminine side do exactly that. Believe it or not, that's a lot easier than "having the talk" with an SO for many of us.
So what can you do? Let him know that you are not angry. It is fair to say that you are disappointed that he chose not to share this part of himself with you, but make sure that he knows that you are looking to understand him better, now that the secret is out. You will need to determine how much of this you are comfortable with. You will both need open communication for things to proceed in a healthy way, without hard feelings, a continued perceived need for subterfuge, etc. Professional counseling, with therapist qualified to handle gender issues, will help.

Please feel free to ask any specific questions you like. Once you've made ten posts, you can send a private message if that suits you better.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Tracy Irving]

I had a totally normal middle class suburban childhood yet I would still lock myself in my parents room and put on my mother's panties. No idea why I would do it and I don't even care to find out. But I do want to know when the next time I can dress is (in-laws are visiting all month). Knowing he has your support and maybe some future encouragement may go a long way.

[Cassiek]

Welcome to the family. Like many have already stated you are a true saint. Your husband truly found a great woman when he asked for your hand. I am in the 90% group. I am still closeted. I believe my wife knows of my desire to dress and wish she would be as open as yourself. As for why fir me it started when I was very young and experienced the feeling of my mothers silky smooth pantyhose slips panties and bras. After touching them and experimenting with them on my own skin I was hooked. I would often sneak into her lingerie drawer try on a few things and feel great. Today I have a stash of clothes Including panties bras stockings pantyhose dresses heels makeup jewelry breastforms and a wig. When I slip into my girl clothes I am able to put all of my stresses behind and feel completely relaxed. I hope listening to all of our stories helps you and your husband in this new chapter of your lives.

[Teresa]

Soapstar,
I'm going to suggest if he won't talk about it ask him if he's prepared to write it all down, how it started and what has happened since and what he would like to do about it in the future. He just needs to be honest with himself, no fancy stuff or BS. Like me he may discover something about himself , the penny may drop . If ahe is prepared to do this he may understand it himself more clearly and be prepared to let you read it. I'm sure the conversation will flow after that. If not maybe counseling will bring him out enough to set the ball rolling.

We may be slightly reluctant because it's very hard initially for a man to accept he does this and why , the fact he is prepared to be seen by neighbours shows he's more out than you think.

The other suggestion is if he likes to go out maybe find a social group where he can dress and chat to other CDers, he may not want to dress around the home as much , it may bring it into perspective with him .

Please remember many of us are born this way , it's not a cop out to say we are wired differently, maybe look at it another way and see it as we have a little extra going on in our brains . Dressing shows the World our inner needs and feelings, long term it can't be suppressed, and it won't stop, no matter what objections and rules you make. He may appear at time selfish if he is tell him so because it can get out of hand and it's easy to lose sight of other obligations.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I honestly think the thing you'd be better off focusing on is his reluctance to open up about his feelings, because that colours your entire marriage - crossdressing is only one part of his personality.

We're all open to discussing crossdressing, so I hope the answers here are of help to you, but if you start approaching him head-on about it he may just retreat further into his shell. There is a bigger issue to address and it's going to be very difficult for him.

I suggest approaching conversations from the position of 'I feel...' rather than 'Why do you -?'

Very best wishes and please let us know how it goes.

[SaraLin]

Soapstar411,
There are a bunch of great thoughts and suggestions from the others already, so I won't bother to repeat them. There is one suggestion though, that I might have a bit of a problem with.

Several of the girls have suggested that you and your husband seek counselling, and while it would almost certainly help, there is a risk with you bringing it up.

If you're not VERY careful, he might interpret this as you thinking that there is something wrong with him that needs to be cured - or that you're having trouble with his dressing, and that there is a risk of your leaving. Either of these ideas could drive him even deeper into denial/hiding/self-hatred. So - if you bring up the idea at all, do so very gently and tactfully.

another - last minute thought - when he comes back from one of his "other room" sessions, rather than pretend that you were sleeping the whole time, maybe you could simply roll over, give him a kiss and say something like "you don't to hide it anymore, you know" and go back to sleep - letting him know that you're aware of what he's doing, and it's not a big deal to you. (or something such).

I know that in my past/present relationships, it would have meant the world to me to have had that kind of love.

[Lacey New]

Soapstar,
First of all, I want to thank,you for being a wonderful caring woman who is willing to work through this discovery with your husband rather than to run away. You are much to be admired.
I wish there was some way to explain why we crossdress. I will admit that when I first stared years ago entering puberty experimenting with my mothers and sisters underwear, it was thrill, both sexually and the taboo of the act. Perhaps there was some Pavlovian conditioning going on as the act of self gratification was almost always involved. So that's as close as I can get to explaining the "why" part.
As to your husband's reluctance to talk about it, I am sure that he has some degree of embarrassment. Perhaps that you may no longer see him as the man you thought he was. Also that perhaps he has disappointed you by hiding his cross dressing. And finally, he may simply be fearful that you might leave him.
I don't pretend to be speaking for him. I can't. However, I can only tell you the feelings I would have in similar circumstances. One last thought thought would be that within this whole mix of emotions, I'm sure that he still cares for you.

[Helen_Highwater]

Hi Soapstar,

Welcome and can I add well done for making the effort to be here and for supporting your SO.

I think it's worth stating at the outset that even for many who've been on this forum for years, the stigma that society displayed towards cross-dressers or trannies as they used to be referred to, sits deep even today in our more enlightened times. Hence trying to be open about it even to a loved one who is supportive can be extremely difficult. One other thing that's worth noting is that many correlate CD'ing with being Gay. I've no real figures but it does seem that the incidence of CD'ers who are Gay is about the same per head of population as non CD'ers.

I can't tell you what drew me to CD'ing. I know it makes me feel better, more relaxed and it fulfills something in my personality. Are there times you put on a new dress, look in the mirror and not only like what you see but also like how it feels. Well if you experience that is it any surprise that some men do as well. One of those here has a tag line that goes something like; "They're not women's clothes, they're my clothes". Do you wear trousers? Well aren't they men's clothes. For you it's socially acceptable. Not quite there yet for men to wear skirts.

As for getting him to open up. Forget asking the why's, you're probably better off asking the what's. What's his fave sort of clothing, dresses, skirts. Engage him by suggesting you shop together. Make him feel more comfortable that you're really on his side and willing to support him. Once he's sure you're not thinking of his activities in a negative way then things are more likely to move forward.

[alwayshave]

Soapstar, You seem like a loving and caring person and I'm glad that you are searching out answers to your concerns. One of the reasons crossdressers hide are society's preconceived notions of crossdressers reflected in your questions, are you gay and do you want to transition. For myself and many here the question is no. However, these questions have caused us to hide. Also, for those of us who were caught early on, I've been dressing since I was 4 or 5 years old, we have been ridiculed, so we hide. I have an accepting fiancee, we have had our issues, but I told her early on even though I am very shy. I hope that overtime your husband opens up to you.

[DMichele]

Hi SoapStar,
Welcome to the forum. I commend you for searching for answers to understand your husband's crossdressing. The advice given below is all very good, and as you can see many of us started crossdressing at a very early age. While many identify as crossdressers some of us today identify as non-binary transgender.

Although it appears that your husband is reluctant to discuss the matter with you, he has the confidence to venture out the door as himself/herself. Many of us struggle with leaving the closet. I only mention this so that perhaps you can strike a conversation, such as where do you go?

The woman walking out the door may be the authentic person, who unfortunately is too scared to share this with you. I hope you are able to break the ice and open a dialog with your husband.

[Alyssa Lane]

I've wondered if my husband feels the same way. Because the day I found out, my husband told me it started for him when he was a kid. I asked him if he was into men as well and he said no, and that he wants to be with me. I'm honestly surprised too that by how quiet, shy and embarrassing he gets, that he was outside walking in women's clothing in broad daylight for the neighbors to see, yet he wouldn't tell me about it. I do feel hurt though that I had to find out from a neighbor and not from him. I've never actually seen him dressed up in women's clothing, but I do know now when he is crossdressing. He works swingshift now, so on certain nights he will come home and go into the other room, close the door and come out maybe 15 mins later to head to the sink to wash off his makeup. I have seen makeup residue in the sink which is why I know what he is doing at night. He does this thinking that I am sleep the entire time, but I can hear him and I know that he doesn't want me to wake up and walk out there to see him, which is why he has the door shut. He is creeping around and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me. Do a lot of crossdressers feel this way even if a spouse or other family member finds out?


Im the same way, work alternating shifts, I do that at night because she is sleeping and I don't want to bother her, or force her to have to see me dressed up. Being the guy, always thinking I need to be in guy mode when she is around so she won't look at me and be disgusted. I'm sure if your 1000% ok with seeing him out, put something out for him and ask to see him try it on, or buy something you think he needs, but only if your fine with it. He might be a bit more open if he can know that you are fine with it, although it might be where it happens often.
To be honest, I will go outside, and do the same when she is at work, or even go to the store with a top and breast forms and a bra, just because it feels so to speak "right". Just like im sitting here doing the same right now, I just do it because I like it, and that's usually the reason to do anything in life. You only live once.....

[Samm]

Welcome! I'm really quiet and reserved myself. I've always found it difficult to get my feelings and thoughts out. I still do. Sticking to simple questions with yes or no answers may be the way to go to start with. It helped me when I told my wife (then girlfriend). I think you're on the right track, being supportive, and wanting to understand and learn more. Trust me when I say there's no pleasure in sneaking around at night or when you're not home whatsoever. It's all he knows. I think once he realizes how supportive you are he will open up. It sounds like right now, he just doesn't know how to. Just remember, some questions he may not have answers for right now. Many of us here are still figuring out who we are, and where we're going.

[Staci Roberts]

All very good points. Same story here...been wearing clothing since I was a kid and "graduated" full dressing years ago. While I fully agree it is great, it was beginning to take over my life. I was finding time to dress and doing so sometimes two or three times a week, constantly upping the ante by going out, first at night, then during the day etc. I honestly had (and have) to reel it back in as the dressing has been described to me as a behavioral disfunction aka behavioral addiction. Once the behavior controls "you"...well I am sure a lot off you know the rest...So, after a major purge, (holy crap I had a lot of clothes and shoes!!) I have not dressed in a few months. Do I miss it? Sure.
What does the future hold? I have no idea, I just know in my case, I have lost control of the behavior and have taken this time to realign my wants and needs.

[ginapoodle]

I don't have much more to add, there are many superb answers to your question here. I will say that after a lifetime of hiding my gender, shame, guilt, spiritual confusion, and dressing issues, it was unbelievably difficult opening up to my wife the first time. Literally, I became physically ill from the stress, and fear she would explode, or leave me. Counseling did help.

My advice: be patient, yet keep opening prompts for discussion. Again: be patient, loving and listen-listen-listen. Clarify as needed. I think most CDs or those with gender dysphoria do not know the origins, only that is who they are deep down. Beware a tendency to open a dialog, then drift into silence again.

Blessings on your journey.

[Rachel05]

I started to crossdress when I was 8yo, my life was troubled at the time, was that the reason?? I am not sure, but it felt like something I wanted and maybe needed to do and that was it, from that day forth, I have crossdressed and I am now 50years on from that first time. I went thorough various stages of disgust and shame in my teens, tried to make it a sexual thing and it definitely wasn't, but teen years are hard enough

I got married and had kids, my wife never knew, my mother did as she had found items of clothing, she was supportive in her way and lived well and truly in the closet

My wife used to hate when any crossdressers were on television, drag acts were a no no, so I am hardly going to confide in her, when she did eventually find out she was anything but supportive and only thought the obvious that I was gay and wanted to be a woman

I am not and never have been gay and I really don't want to be a woman full time, but I do love my time dressed, it makes me feel amazing and relaxed and I am absolutely at peace with who I am, I am a man that loves to crossdress

I don't harm anyone and I don't do anything illegal, I just like nice underwear, dresses and I love heels

If I'd had the opportunity to share with my wife in a supportive way then it would have been amazing not to have to keep the secret but imagine this, I had b been doing this alone for probably 45 years when she eventually found out, of course it is going to take some time to share, had my wife been supportive I would have slowly shared why I love to feel girly and look nice

I am happy to call myself a crossdresser and my new partner is very supportive but she has never seen me dressed fully, we are working that way and I love the fact I don't have to keep that secret from her, it means I don't have to hide my things and I can share my thoughts with her

That is the brief version and there are many like me, one of the great things of being a member of this forum, we are not alone

[sherri]

Soapstar, there's sooooo much to say on the subject but it would be mostly conjecture cuz there's not enough info to work with -- not your fault, or his necessarily, but it's gonna be hard to understand if y'all don't find a way to bridge the gap of communication. A lot depends on what is the driving force behind his dressing -- is it just a sexual thing or is it expression of identity? Etc etc etc. But I will make one observation: I didn't come to dressing til after divorce, but I have often imagined how difficult it might be to fess up to a spouse, or even a female friend, and I have to admit that as superficial as it might be, one big hurdle for me would be in wondering how she would see me as well as perceive me.

What I mean is, if you browse the picture gallery section you will quickly see that some of us make very attractive and convincing gurls, some of us look like linebackers in a skirt, some of us are pretty, some of us are not, some of us have good fashion sense and some don't, some are good at makeup and some aren't, etc. Most of us fall somewhere in the middle. My own motives run the gamut -- it's very much an expression of my identity, it's an expression of sexuality, it's how I long to interact with others and so forth -- and I am fully aware that while I could never be genuinely pretty or passable, I don't look like a wrestler in heels either.

So it would be enormously important to me that a GG friend or SO get the identity thing sooner or later, of course, but my first fear and question would be, do I look ridiculous or even gross to her, or can she see me for who I am and appreciate the effort I've made to appear as genuinely fem as I feel? Superficial or not, my anxiety would be pretty high on that count, and it would be hard for me to interact as Sherri on any other level until I knew the answer to that question. Fwiw.

Having said that, I would like to address how you came to find out about his dressing. You say he is shy and easily embarrassed, that it's hard for him to open up, and yet he is willing to expose himself to detection by neighbors. Understanding why might give you a clue to what's going. Three possibilities occur to me right off the bat:


This is a sexual/exhibition kink and he gets a thrill from exposing his secret.
He simply wishes to experience everyday activities as a gurl, some of which might include outdoor stuff.
He longs for someone to see, to know, to interact, and this is his first baby step, however ill-advised.


Don't know if this helps, just thinking out loud. :-)

[Stacy Darling]

There is no answer Soapy,

I'm an open Guineapig and so will say that if you try to get into the mind of another, you are asking for trouble!

Understanding us is near impossible, if you are hard core call me!

Stacy!

[MysteryWoman]

Dear Soapstar411,

As you're probably concluding, your question has many answers, and it has no answers. That's the nature of the crossdressing animal.

Since you appear ready to accept your husband's "hobby" at some level, I would suggest that you attempt to establish some ground rules that represent a common ground on which you can both have some degree of comfort. Given his reluctance to open up, it won't be easy, and you'll have to take the initiative. Let me share my own experience, just to give you an idea of the kinds of things you might use as points of agreement. After many years of grappling with the issue, here is where my wife and I currently stand:

1. Under no circumstances does she want to see me fully dressed. I am very comfortable with this, because I would find it humiliating to do so.

2. Under no circumstances will I ever leave the house "dressed". I also have no problem with this, because I could never "pass" convincingly.

3. After the umpteenth time that she accidentally found my hidden stash of feminine stuff, she asked me simply to mix my things in with her things. Her concern was that if anything happened to us, she didn't want our kids to find hidden clothes that weren't hers. I found this to be very liberating, because it relieved me of the guilt of hiding things from her.

4. Because I have always found crossdressing to be a very erotic experience (not every CD does), she allows me to wear a few items in bed (for sex, but not for sleeping). Originally this was limited to panties and occasionally stockings. But recently I asked permission to wear a silky nightgown, and she agreed. If this sounds completely at odds with guideline number one, all I can say is, when you enter this domain, you check reason and logic at the door.

I'm not suggesting these are the right guidelines for you or anyone else. But if you can arrive at something comparable for you own situation, I think you'll find it will greatly help you both.

[kimdl93]

You've gotten lots of advice. Its all based on individual experiences and so, may or may not apply in your case. I'd like to offer just a tiny bit more.

Right now, your husband is unable to talk about it. Since he's been hiding this part for the vast majority of his life, and has, like many of us been indoctrinated with the belief that it's inappropriate behavior, he's probably feeling very ashamed. Id focus not so much on offering reassurance. At the same time, as noted elsewhere, it will help him if you begin and grow within some kind of boundaries...and you let him know, gently or firmly, if he's allowing exuberance to overtake judgement.

[Jenny22]

Welcome to our world and to your world of concern and confusion. The next time you two hug and kiss, tell him how much you love him and how much he means to you. At some point thereafter, tell him again, but this time include however he wishes to present himself to you. As others have said, talking is the key. Don't push yourself on to him. But, you can achieve positive responses with gentle nudging and possibly by prefacing a gentle question with, "honey, ......". I wish the best for the two of you.

[docrobbysherry]

We don't have the answers for u, Soapstar. Sometimes we're still working out what and why we do it ourselves!:straightface:

Your SO has the answers. U simply need to ask the rite questions! And, those we have here aplenty!:heehee:

Good luck. I hope u 2 can work this out!:thumbsup:

[Lana Mae]

You sound like a very lovely and loving lady! As has been said, only he may know and then again he may not know why! He is shy and you may know what to do or say to draw him out! I believe in therapy but I think it is a little early for that right now! Try to keep this between the two of you for now! Be sure to keep him as comfortable as possible to help him open up! I don't know what else to tell you! I have only actually have been fully dressing for 2 years as my wife did not accept at all and was happily married for 34+ years without dressing and when she passed away a flood door opened! Best wishes that he opens up soon! This forum is fantastic for gaining knowledge and learning from others experiences! Hugs Lana Mae

[sherri]

... I would suggest that you attempt to establish some ground rules that represent a common ground on which you can both have some degree of comfort ...

1. Under no circumstances does she want to see me fully dressed. I am very comfortable with this, because I would find it humiliating to do so.

2. Under no circumstances will I ever leave the house "dressed" ...Please please don't take this as dissing you or your approach but 1) "Rules" would not be my first order of business and I wouldn't react well to being dictated to; 2) If I had to agree to these two particular rules I'd just keep the whole thing to myself; and 3) I think maybe the point would be to get over the humiliation, at least it would be for me, otherwise why bother confiding? Just sayin.

[NancySue]

Hi and welcome to this Forum. It's been very helpful. My husband told me of his CDing before we said our "I do's". Yes, I was shocked, he being a jock, no effeminate manners, etc. He "confessed" because he didn't want any secrets. He said he expected me to leave, but I didn't. I admired his courage and honesty. My first concerns were the usual...was he gay, bi, did he want to transition, SRS, etc. he said "No" to all. He too began at age 8. All those years, he searched for answers to "why", but never found any. We talked a lot...yes, a lot. I read many articles, books, etc. to educate myself, and too, found nothing definitive. He too was quiet, embarrassed, etc. I continually told him I loved him and what he wore made no difference. What opened him up was my buying and surprising him with his own panties, bras, pantyhose, makeup, heels, etc. and telling him I couldn't wait to see him in his new things. I told him I'd help him with makeup too. He couldn't believe it. Little by little he emerged from his shell. He now dresses whenever he wants. Sometimes underneath, (I can always tell 😉) Sometimes 100%. In my opinion, he is very passable. We'd like to go out, but we live in a smaller, conservative, nosey town and agree to be careful. Discovery would not be well received. Maybe buying him things, going through catalogs, on line, etc. might help communications. It worked for us. Best.

[Alice Torn]

Soapstar, Good that you are not being harsh with him. Thoreau was not kidding when he wrote, "The masses of men lead lives of quiet desperation." So many men are in great emotional "hamstrung" condition, and feel socially "hamstrung", too. An extremely rare woman will not be harsh and condemning!! Also, women can wear ANYTHING THEY WANT TO, WHILE MEN CANNOT WEAR ANYTHING BUT MEN'S CLOTHES, a big double standard. I cannot really say i know the exact reason i have struggled with this since about age 13. I had a harsh dad, who resented em, and mom said he wanted only daughters! I felt very close to my mom, but seldom with my dad. My only sister, the firstborn, was pampered and spoiled by my parents. I know i had long, almost feminine legs, and my dad had a long legs fetish, and i felt like he admired MY legs! I had no confidence with girls, and was kept away form girls growing up. I never got to date, until around age 25, and my first girl friend ended her life on drugs. I have never had penetration sex in my whole 63 years! I am not gay, and am only attracted to certain women, but have always loved hose, dresses, heels, skirts, tops, bras, swimsuits. Pantyhose are my favorite. When i am all dolled up, and looking stunning, i do have sexual releases sometimes, but not all the time. I am only part time dresser, seldom go out in public. Part of my dressing i believe is from never having a mate, and part of it is from unmet social needs, and abuse. I also do not like the way most women dress or care for themselves in our era. Few wear dresses, skirts, hose, and seldom look ladylike, like they did in past eras. I really appreciate it when i do see a lady dressed up nicely. I think many women have abandoned their femininity. I cannot completely put a finger on an exact reason. there are many, i think. Women are flying high, while many men are depressed, and feel unneeded anymore. The female energy is on cloud none. while the male energy is in steep decline, and desperation. "Girls just want to have fun!" The whole modern western culture is in dissarray, and many men are in "quiet desperation", and not handling it well. I feel unloved, unwanted, and misunderstood, and socially deprived, form my toxic childhood, and being different, as a man. I always was highly sensitive, like a woman at times, but many, at other times. If we cannot truly understand it, how can you ever do so? It just is! But, being a man, with all the double binds, and limits, and crazymaking, while the female energy in society is flying high, sets men up for many tough issues. I have had a very troubled, sorrowful solitary mostly life, but i also go to 12 step groups, have been with a church which condemns this, and i trying to be helpful to all living things. The serenity prayer is best for you in this situation. Acceptance.

[Maria_mtf]

He is creeping around and I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me. Do a lot of crossdressers feel this way even if a spouse or other family member finds out?

I am quite quiet so it sounds like husband has some similarities to me. My wife knows and is great, but doesn't really like it. We rarely talk about it so each time I want to take the next step I feel extremely anxious and put off talking to her about it. For me it's just clothes but I want to buy makeup and wig, she knows I would want to at this point but I know this next step is going to worry her.

What's great is that you are curious and asking questions, my wife doesn't, if she did I would answer anything. Lots of men have trouble sharing feelings, so if your husband if one of those it's even harder to talk about crossdressing.

To answer your OP as to why, it's like an itch that needs scratching. Don't know why, feels great when you do it and when you stop you know you will want to itch again.

I wish you the best.

[Sometimes Steffi]

First of all, I don’t think there’s an answer to “Why”. I don’t think many of us can even answer “Why”.

I could tell you my story, but it wouldn’t be very enlightening for you. Suffice it to say, I don’t know “Why”. But I did get a lot of messages (about others) while growing up that crossdressing was wrong. When I was growing up, if you were a crossdresser, you were gay (actually, you were a queer or a faggot).

If your husband is doing makeup and going out of the house, even just to the mail box, he’s a lot more advanced, even than many here, who are trying to figure out makeup or are looking for the courage to go out for the first time. So, as a warning, there may be way more to his crossdressing than you might expect. I tell you this not to scare you, but to make you aware of the possibilities. If you really want to support this and get your husband to talk to you about it, you have to be “all in”. Be respectful of whatever he tells you without laughing or criticizing.

I have some different ideas that you could try. The basic concept is to begin sharing his crossdressing with him.

For example, you could ask him if he has any pictures of himself dressed that he feels safe in sharing, making sure he knows that his secret is safe with you.

You could ask him if he’s ever painted his toes, and tell him you would love to paint his toes for him, or maybe even go for a pedicure together, someplace safe.

You could ask him about his favorite outfit, and maybe, even ask him to leave it on the bed after you leave for work, so you could see it when you got home.

You could offer to buy him some clothes, maybe just a panties, if he told you his size. Or you could just buy him some and leave them on the bed for him to find.

Note that all of these things require some kind of friendly interaction or conversation.

One last thing, once he understands that you will accept him, he may go wild about it, like popping the cork on a bottle of champagne. At some point, you may want to discuss boundaries that allows him to be her and you to accept to your level.

[donnalee]

Hi Soapstar and welcome.
As you can see, there are a lot of opinions on this subject and I'm sure by now you're pretty overwhelmed.
The best advice I can give you is to go slowly and gently. Your husband is just as confused and in search of answers as you are, probably more so. The reason for this is not as important as recognizing that it is part of your husband's make up and so part of what you love about him. Acceptance is the most important part of this addition to your relationship and can most likely be best addressed as how you can best live with this circumstance.
I think you're starting out with the best kind of outlook and that is hugely important.
Good luck and best wishes.

[looking_good]

Others more eloquent and thoughtful than I....

But I can say it was transformative when I found my spouse was open to "coming along for the ride". What an amazing woman! We continue to learn more about each other every day. We learned a lot about working on things together rather than opposed to each other.

And clothes shopping for both of us is just such a joy! (Too soon?)

[Alice B]

A very difficult question to answer. I did not start until in my 60's and it was out of the blue and to this day do not know what the trigger was. Had lots of discussions with my wife and she knows it is not a threat to our marriage and accepts, but does not wish to participate an any fashion. In your case you are already showing that you can accept his dresssing. Maybe a simple letter to him explaning your view of the issue and concern that he is not sharing his feelings will give him confidence to open up to you. As to why, he may not know and may never know.

[Confucius]

What makes a man want to crossdress?
Well in my case, when I crossdress it makes me happy. When I crossdress my brain releases feel good neurotransmitters (oxytocin, dopamine, serotonin, etc) and these neurotransmitters produces the sensations I want. Or, at least that's my theory. I find it relaxing, reduces stress, produces gratification, and my world is made right.. I have no desire to transition to a female. I know I am 100% male, but sometimes I enjoy being 50% female.

In my case I've felt this way as long as I can remember. My first crossdressing memories go back to when I was around 3 years old. I know that when I was born my mother wanted a daughter, and I was something of a disappointment to her. However she did not have to wait around too long, when I was only six months old she found herself pregnant again. She hoped and prayed for a daughter, and bingo my sister was born. My mother often recalled it as the happiest day of her life. My sister grew up to be my mother's pampered princess. I grew up thinking that my mother would love me more if I was born a girl. I was convinced that all parents preferred daughters because girls were better behaved, and causes less problems. I knew I was a boy, but it was considered a handicap in life. I thought girls had it so much better in life. So when I crossdressed as a small child, I felt that I was fixing things, and it made me happy. I did grow out of those thoughts (during my teenage years), but the association between crossdressing and happiness never left.

Finally, you need to know that crossdressing covers a wide spectrum. No two are exactly the same. We all bring the baggage of our life's experiences.

[JeanTG]

Part of the problem of him not talking about it is that he simply may not know *why* he does it. He just knows he *needs* to do it. I've analyzed myself until my brain hurts. I just have to accept that this is the way I am. There are times when I feel very feminine and *must* dress or be extremely frustrated, and at other times I always need to express my feminine side even if only secretly. Those times I wear panties, clear nail polish, mildly shape my eyebrows, etc.

[Soapstar411]

Wow, thank you all for the responses! Sorry, I'm just logging back in. Did not expect that many responses! I am still reading through them, and I am glad that I am gaining more insight as to why my husband is cross dressing and does not want to talk to me about it. I will continue reading through responses. Again, thank you all!

- - - Updated - - -


Soap,
Like Leigh said, this happens sometimes very young, like me, for others, later in life. And we don't even have an answer to it a lot of times ourselves. For me, I had a dad that was very mean, bad temper, made me lean toward my moms ways I think. He actually beat me and I hated him for that! So that is one reason that I love these forums so that at least we can say what we think. One thing that always gets me though, all that stuff happened so long long ago and you think that you could just let it go and forget it, but it just seems to haunt you all your life. ;(

Hi Brandy,

I am so sorry that you had to endure that from your father! No child should ever have to go through that. My husband told me he started when he was a kid himself. He has always leaned towards his mom because him and his dad have never been very close. I have still yet to meet his dad! He also told me his dad found women's clothing inside his closet when he was in middle school, so I have wondered if that is the reason why his dad rarely reaches out to him. It's sad because I wish my husband had that father/son bond with him, but he doesn't. I don't want my husband to feel like he is alone. I have told him many times that he can tell me anything. I'm hoping he will reach out and communicate to me.

[Tracii G]

So happy to see you post again Soapstar.
Its really a very complex thing and as you have seen not an easy thing to sort thru.
As long as you let your husband know you are beside him all the way and nothing can break the bond you have he may very well open up more in the future.
He needs to accept himself first and come to the realization that CD is OK and he has lots of friends here.
You are a real gem and he is soo lucky to have you for a partner.

[Soapstar411]

Tracii G
Sorry, the last few days have been pretty busy, but I have returned. And yes, I do want him to know that I am beside him every step of the way. He doesn't tell me when he is cross dressing, but I do know when he is doing it, and he has been doing it the last few nights after he gets off work, and comes walking in around 1am. Part of me worries for him because I don't want him to come across the wrong person while walking outside in women's clothing, especially that late at night. When he was cross dressing while I was at work in the daytime, he wasn't even aware that the neighbors were seeing him until the day I found out about it and talked to him. I so badly want to tell him to be careful and to aware of his surroundings, because people hate on what they don't understand. Is it wrong of me to say something about it? I don't want him to feel like I'm telling him to stop doing what he feels comfortable, but at the same time I worry for his safety when he walks out those doors in women's clothing. Even just walking around the neighborhood isn't safe, especially in this day and age.

[ClosetED]

As others have said, I commend you for wanting to know. My wife threatened divorce when I suggested this site. She went to the horrible crossdresserwives website full of hate. Your questions to your husband showed the typical misunderstanding of the public based on transsexuals like Kaitlyn Jenner, while there are probably 5 times as many crossdressers (CDers) than transsexuals (who want surgery to be women). The rate of homosexuality in CDers is probably slightly lower than the general population. His reluctance to talk is also based on stereotypes - he expects you to want info to help with divorce, outing him, embarrass him, etc. Mutual trust is needed. Each couple may have to find how to establish this. Time and proof with actions may help. If you want him to be safe, let him know that this is your being concern, not his dressing. If you can, agree to help him dress (if he will allow), if done at home. It can start out with looking at catalogs, for what might look good or interest his other side. (I like the metaphor of a coin - a male side and female side, but still one coin that can be seen very different). It could be buying items for him to wear in private. It might move to makeup lessons. Modeling clothes. But kept at home until your both agree to change that. Others have had partners who were reluctant to discuss - suggest he joins here to have others to share with. There is a TG story you can find called 'Trust' by Amy Matthews which gets into the mindset of a CD who finds an accepting woman.
Do you have specific questions we can help answer on the general topic? We are here for both of you as we love to see happy couples and not ones who are forced to hide their real selves as a compromise.
Hugs, Ellen

[Ressie]

Most on this site advise not to walk around (alone) dressed at night. It's very much like a woman walking alone at night. Kind of dangerous. Hubby should go out shopping or out to eat instead. You could go with him maybe in another town if you're worried about running into people you know.

[Soapstar411]

Ressie
I do know why he walks out at night. It is because that's the only time he can do it. He works all day and doesn't get off until late. On his days off he has his son and I know he doesn't dress around him. We both lead a very busy life and are rarely at home. I want to say something to him so badly without scaring or embarrassing him. I just fear for his safety and want him to be aware, because you never know who might be watching him. So many hateful people in this world :(


ClosetED

I honestly and highly doubt he will let me help him dress. He gets way too embarrassed and I don't know if we would ever get to that point. I'm just still surprised that as embarrassed as he gets, he walks outside for anyone to potentially see him. Before he got his work schedule switched around, he was walking outside in the mornings, and that is how I found out, from a neighbor seeing him. Should I voice to him my concerns about him going out at night? I don't want to come off the wrong way. Or maybe I should just leave it alone.

[Ariana225]

Soapstar,

I suggest you talk to him about everything and make it clear that this isn't a deal breaker for you and that you love him still. Open communication is probably the only way you can go to get on the same page as him.

I suggest you also pick up the book "My Husband wears my clothes" by Peggy J Rudd and it will give you a perspective, from a wife, into the world of crossdressing. Not every crossdresser is the same, some have certain flavors they like and know where they want to set their limits at.

As it was previously mentioned, once you get to 10 posts you can join the GG forum on this site! Good luck!

[ellbee]

I'm honestly surprised too that by how quiet, shy and embarrassing he gets, that he was outside walking in women's clothing in broad daylight for the neighbors to see, yet he wouldn't tell me about it. I do feel hurt though that I had to find out from a neighbor and not from him.

While I understand where you're coming from, I honestly wouldn't let that become too much of an issue.

I say this, because oftentimes it's simply too difficult, at least at first, to share something like this with those who we care most about. We're afraid of judgement, of non-acceptance, of ridicule, etc. We can also be scared of how something like this could affect our most important relationships.


Here's what I mean: Personally, I have no issue with going around town running errands in the middle of the day while wearing an outfit consisting entirely of women's work-out attire, including leggings with a pretty femmy print, while in "guy-mode" (no make-up or wig or anything). All these people see me... But since they are not really a big part of my life, I really don't care.

However, there's no way in heck I would wear that while visiting my parents, for example.

Just the way it is. :strugglin


Give it time. Try to be cool & understanding of it all. Hopefully your hubby will eventually open up about it more. :)

[ClosetED]

If he is willing to go out during the daytime dressed in your own neighborhood, he is either very confidant in his ability to pass or does not care, in my opinion. While he is likely to not let you dress him now, start slow and try to convince him you are getting involved due to love, not hate / fear. Let him know the neighbor told you - so his secret is out somewhat. Was this his plan? You want him to be happy and to not have to hide this part of him if it makes him happy. You had fears (gay/transition) - ask him if he would tell you his fears. Maybe his shyness is part of being on Asperger/Autism spectrum and you have to be very clear of what you want - innuendo may not work. I would not make offers that you can't keep.
I would vote for telling him your fears for his personal safety going out at night - not at exposure or embarrassment - that has already happened to some extent. You care about him and your happiness as a couple. Hold him to make him feel safe - ask him to let you into his world so you can help him be happy with you. That sharing this would bring you closer, not apart. (Assuming that is true-that you can accept this)
Even if he does not speak, he will hear it. It will take time.
If catalog looking or buying an item is too much, ask his opinion on your outfits, like you would ask a girlfriend. Don't let him give a "Fine." See if he would make suggestions for what would go with this skirt, which shoes are better. How is my makeup - did I use to much blush or the right shade of lipstick? Maybe those wil draw his other side out.
You know him best - just tossing out ideas. I am 57 yr old physician with wife who knows and has gone back and forth from minimal participation, to Don't Ask Don't Tell, to very participating and seeing pictures of me dressed, and now back to silent treatment. These wide swings are also common in wives, so we advise going slow.
Hugs, Ellen

[Charlotte Ann]

Hello there Soap,
As your question was directed towards the crossdressers I cannot comment but as a wife and a GG I want to reach out with a big hug ! Thank you for wanting to support your husband and trying to understand. Many wives do not infact quite the opposite so kudos to you lovely lady. Keep being you all will be fine :)
C

[Alice Torn]

Since you are so busy, and do not get much time with him, maybe consider after much reading on this site, a loving, heartfelt kind letter to him, being very understanding and accepting of him, and his dressing.

[Tahoegurl]

Hi soapstar, everyone is going to have their own take on this topic because it is personal and uniquely individual. I would offer that you need to offer that you are willing to have a conversation about his choice to dress. Then it is up to him to come to you, reassurance that you are not going anywhere might help foster the discussion. You also need to take care of you...so you met want to find some support in the interim.

[Soapstar411]

Alice Torn,

A letter may help. I just have to watch my wording because I don't want to make him feel any more uncomfortable than he already is. Thank you!

[karenph]

Hi Soapstar, just a thought, instead of a letter give him gift(s) of clothing that you think might look good on him. Leave him the gifts to open on his own with a note that you would like to seem him wearing the gift(s) sometime. Leave it open ended. Spread out the gifts over a few weeks, or whatever time horizon you find comfortable. In this way you would be showing your support without pressing, and your SO will really appreciate it. At some point your SO will start talking to you about the gifts.

[Tracii G]

The small gift idea with a short note is a good one thanks Karenph.
That way you are letting him know you love him and his girl side without pushing too hard.
I know I would love it and be more likely to open up because its such a sweet thoughtful thing to do.

[Joanne108]

For me the desire to crossdress stems from seeing the image of a woman in the mirror rather than my own image. I think it is kind of cool to do so. When I started out, the level of expertise I had was imaginary; now I'm adequate at changing my look to that of a woman. My guess is that he is afraid of what you may say if you knew. I know that I would like to talk to my wife more about my crossdressing, however I feel somewhat frightened even though I know she isn't going to leave. Good luck.

[pinklilly211]

Hmmmmmm, Why not print out this thread and show him? Just a thought! Huggs Lill

[Bobbi46]

Do both, print out this thread but also do the gift things as well

[greeneyes]

Hi Soap, welcome to the forum. my husband is also a CD and did not share with me at first. There is a lot of shame and negative feelings related to crossdressing. And if you read enough of this forum, you will see a lot of CD's have shared with their SO and been scorned by them later in the relationship..even by women that have acted like they were completely accepting. Kinda makes you take a step back and realize, to him...to share...is to risk everything. But I believe, that it is just a part of them...and they cannot change it, even if they wanted to. I think you should introduce him to this page....he may need it more than you! Remember: just because he is a CD does NOT mean he is Gay or wants to be a woman- a lot of CD's are straight men that do not feel the need to actually BE a woman. Stay open minded, this journey can be fun, and an added layer to your relationship if you keep an open mind and do not be swayed by "social rules". Feel free to message me if you would like. Good luck to both of you, communicate and be patient!! ((hugs)) greeneyes

[randilipps]

I find this topic interesting and very useful. I started to wear women's panties at first. Under my causal clothes and work clothes. I travel at times have would only bring panties. When I'm home alone I will dress in panties and thigh high stockings. I have a couple of mini skirts and I've bought a bra with fake boobs.
To be honest I'm not sure why or what makes be do this. I'm still trying to figure myself out.

[Bobbi46]

Hi Soap your husband is one lucky man to have someone as understanding as you who is patient enough o find out the answers to it all. from what you have said so far I cannot see this having anything else other than a very happy conclusion indeed. Just take it a step at a time if he is as shy as you say I would not push things too fast but draw the story out of him bit by bit all will be good for you both.

[sometimes_miss]

Soapstar, I've sat on the sidelines now for a few days, in order to see what everyone has written. I've been here nearly ten years, yet I still don't see much in the way of folks who actually know why they crossdress, so don't expect him to be able to tell you. Now, why do we? After all, we can figure out so much. Yet this appears to escape us. I have a hypothesis. Bear with me. And perhaps forgive all the rambling, because I just woke up.
First, we don't do this to hurt anyone. No male starts dressing up in female clothing with the intention of disappointing his SO, his family, his friends. And we are almost universally ashamed of what we're doing, especially the fact that we cannot stop ourselves from dressing up. This, even though we know that it's not our fault. After all, no one would actually choose to do this, with all the potential problems that come along with it.
And, he hasn't changed. He's still exactly the same person that he was before. He loves you just as much. The only thing that's changed, is how you see him. He's the same. You aren't. And no matter what he does, or does not do, you are in control of how you decide to deal with this new information about him. Please, please be patient, and try your best to tolerate how he feels. Really, it's going to be harder on him, than you, even if you can't quite understand why. Because now he has to face being 'found out' and deal with all the feelings of shame that accompany that.
Now, it's not an obsession, because it doesn't respond to treatment for OCD. It's not an addiction, because treatment for that doesn't work, either. And it's not a hobby, that could be replaced with some other activity. There's some much deeper reason why we do this, and our often inability to face that, is why so many have been unable to figure it out. It's not our fault. None of us asked for this. Something happened to us that altered what we feel ourselves to be, whether it's just the thrill and excitement of dressing up and the danger of getting caught doing it, or for some reason we feel the need to self identify as female. There is no one, single reason for crossdressing, and that's the rub, and why the search for that ONE reason constantly fails. Because it's different for each of us. Whether there's some genetic predisposition for crossdressing, whether it's due to some hormonal fluctuation during pregnancy or even after birth, how we're treated as infants, a traumatic experience later, or perhaps some combination of those factors, the end result is that we're stuck with a desire to do something that we are told is absolutely, positively unacceptable for any boy to do.
After all, if it were just about the clothes, that doesn't explain all the make up, wigs, breast forms, tucking, desire to wear shoes that are uncomfortable (but we want to wear them anyway), etc.. Something is causing us to want to feel as if we are female in some way. One of the biggest complications is, sex. Even for those of us who started crossdressing before puberty, once the testosterone starts flowing, we're pretty much horny all the time. And when the desire to crossdress occurs at the same time as when we're horny, it can make things very confusing, and almost impossible to separate, because we can start to link the two together. This we see often; a man who feels the need to dress up and behave as a female, yet isn't attracted to men at all. That's an almost impossible contradiction for a layman to figure out. It took me almost 30 years, of studying every psychology source I could find, to figure myself out. And it looks like I may be one of the very few who knows pretty much with certainty, why I crossdress. But you can read my bio for that if you want, the link is in my sig at the bottom of my post here.
The biggest obstacle is how we're brought up. From the moment we understand that we are boys, we are almost constantly pressured to avoid anything feminine. For a boy, we are told that being feminine in any way, is the worst possible thing we can be. Nothing brands us as a failure as a man, as being labeled as a sissy. Think; women will date scoundrels, thieves, wife beaters, murderers, assassins, traitors, but the one thing that nearly always seems to mark us as unacceptable, is being a sissy. The result of this, is that we will tend to deny to ourselves AND others any connection to being feminine. And that can make it impossible to figure out why we are so completely unable to permanently stop dressing up in female clothing. So, like it or not, we're stuck with this. In some cases, the man is able to stop for a while, and then it occurs to him that maybe he's cured, that he's beaten the desire, that it's something behind him. In my own case, I stopped dressing for over ten years; I got married thinking that I'd never do it again, that maybe it was just a phase I was going through when growing up. But the desire never went away, it just remained dormant. And when conditions were right, it came back to the forefront of my mind, and never left. I'm not saying that this is your husband's experience, but it's possible.
What we need to remember is that this is not about you. It's coming from something else in his psyche. The best thing you can do, is support him, as you both try to come to accept this behavior in him. After all, he's committed no crime. All he's tried to do, is live up to what everyone else wants him to be. And sometimes the stress of that, pushes him over the edge and the desire to crossdress becomes too much to hold back.

I don't want my husband to feel like he is alone. I have told him many times that he can tell me anything. I'm hoping he will reach out and communicate to me.
The problem with that scenario, is that men usually discover that when women tell us that we can tell you anything, what it really means is that you want us to tell you what you want to hear. For example, when a woman asks what a man's fantasies are, she usually wishes to be told some sort of romantic escapade; she does not usually want to hear about his desire to have a three way with her and her much hotter best friend where she sits and watch the two of them go at it. That's just an example, though.

I want to say something to him so badly without scaring or embarrassing him.
Perhaps you should write it down. During discussion, it's easy to forget all the things you wanted to say, and if an argument ensues, things can accidentally escalate when you didn't want that to ever happen. Let him read it in private, offer to let him write something down in response, and don't demand that he do it right away. Let him compose his thoughts the same way you do, as if he is rushed, he might leave something very important out of the discussion, and that can be disastrous, I know this from experience.

I suggest you talk to him about everything and make it clear that this isn't a deal breaker for you and that you love him still.
+1 on this ^. It's the reason why most of us who are divorced wound up this way. I'm not blaming my ex; I understand her feelings, and she couldn't help it that just the thought of me in a dress resulted in her being sexually turned off from then on. But It's still hard for me ,to live with, knowing that the chance of ever finding a woman who's OK with crossdressing is about as possible as winning the lottery.
As always, I am available for any questions, and I'm pretty sure the rest of us are, too. PM as needed. And get some more posts up, if only to say me too or whatever, so you have access to the rest of the forum. There's a huge amount of information available here. Remember, not everyone's experience is the same, and there's a tendency for each of us to wish our own experience is the same as others, at least so we can feel that we're at least normal to someone out there.

So. My understanding, is that for whatever reason, we feel the need to self identify as female, with the tactile, visual, perhaps olfactory and auditory as well, feedback that dressing up and indulging in everything female, returns to us. Might only be because we want to dress up, and being female would make that acceptable. Or any of dozens of other reasons. But it explains why we feel more comfortable in female clothes, than male clothes.

[Soapstar411]

Sometimes_miss,

You gave out a lot of good advice and points. Thank you so much! Yes I had figured it was more than just the clothing with my husband, considering I know he wears a wig and makeup as well. It's comforting knowing that I'm able to talk on this forum and get some great feedback. Hopefully one day I will get that from my husband. In all honesty, his embarrassment just makes it that much harder for me to say something to him, even though I want to. I want us to have that open communication with each other, and I know it will take us a while to get there.

And my husband had told me (on the day that I found out) that he had stopped for a while, but then started up again. And I'm pretty sure that when we first got together that he wasn't doing it. We are newlyweds and have only been married a year, and just this past year is when I noticed he was hiding something from me, I just had no idea this was it.

Thank you again for all of your advice!

[Tracii G]

And how lucky you are to know its only him CDing and not something else.

[Ressie]

Hey Soapstar, I've been wondering what age group you're in. Married for a year is a clue but people get remarried or even married for the first time at all ages.

You may have already gathered from previous posts that it's rare for a CD to quit permanently. The desire to dress pretty much always comes back eventually.

Also let me ask - how big of a problem is this for you? Some spouses actually think it's kind of cool, some reluctantly accept it, while others say no way Jose. It's too bad he's embarrassed and won't open up to you. It's a phase that many of us CDs go through.

I've seen quite a few crossdressers dress for the very first time in front of other crossdressers at support meetings and they are usually very shy at the first meeting. They tend to come out of their shell after a couple more get togethers and start to have fun crossdressing rather than having those negative feelings. Many of us dress secretly for years and years or even decades. Dressing with others in a light and casual setting has been enlightening for me and many others. I think you'll have to kind of milk it. Take it slow.

[Tracii G]

Ressie has a good point maybe you two can join a Trans support group in your area.
My group helped me so much and I have made lots of good friends being a part of the group.
We go out to dinner as a group and what is nice the spouses all all welcome to participate in any thing we do as a group.
Trans groups are not a swingers club type things we actually discuss legal and trans issues.
We also help members deal with things like what you are dealing with right now.
Don't assume there is no trans group in your area because trans groups are very common you just never heard about them.

[Nora TBD]

Hi Soapstar. I applaud you for seeking answers. If your husband is willing, counseling could only help. Many CDs fear losing their partners over this, so his fear is well founded.... lucky for him it wasn't true in your case. Good luck and many blessings.

[marlacd]

You gained a good many admirers here by being understanding. Not all of us have that luxury.

The answer to the why, can be as individual as we are. It's entirely possible that he doesn't know the why behind his dressing. Some, like me, don't want to know. Or, even if we did, we may not want to stop. I could rattle off dozens of reasons why I want to. But since I'm not your husband, my reasons don't matter to you.

By this time on this thread, you should have gotten plenty of ideas on how to approach him on it. Actually, if you wanted support, or ways to go about dealing with him, you came to the right place. Kinda like that old slogan, "As you travel, ask us" I doubt that we consider ourselves gurus on the subject, but we have been there, done that.

Look at it this way- you just got a bunch of friends that you never met yet.

[Soapstar411]

Hi Charlotte Ann,

Thank you very much! I'm hoping I can talk with more wives and GF's of crossdressers on here. I haven't logged on in a little while, but as of now nothing has changed and he still hasn't opened up to me since the day I found out. So it is quite a relief to be able to come here and talk.

- - - Updated - - -

Ressie,

We're a young couple, in our early 30s. And honestly, the dressing part itself isn't a deal breaker. However, if it were more to it than that, such as fully transitioning, or being sexually attracted to men, I don't know how I would feel about it. I did ask him the first day I found out if he was attracted to men and he said no, but he never went into detail and still doesn't talk to me about it. He didn't notice that I noticed him last night sneaking into the other bedroom with a big package. But I don't have to look into the bag to already know that he bought more women's clothing. It just bothers me right now that he won't open up to me, and I wish he would. I don't want to push him, so I will just continue to be there and support him.

[5150 Girl]

Well Soapstar, There is no one answer as to the "Why" question. The reasons are as vast as the number of stars in the galaxy. Many folks don't even know themselves why they are drawn to it they just are. For others it's just a kink or a fetish. But still others, like me, do it to express how they feel on the inside. Many Native American Tribes believed that those who are comfortable expressing both genders were blessed by the great spirits with 2 souls. They were also believed to be the perfect mate, and were also regarded as being more artistic, creative, problem solving, ect...

And yea, I can dig that he would care more about what you, his intimate partner thinks than strangers / neighbors.

My best idea to bring hubby around may be to find his stash, and get his size and a sample of his taste. Then go buy him a nice dress and/or outfit, and ask (or tell) him to model it for you.

[rian]

In order to understand why we crossdress , it is important to see the whole picture ,,,we just love to be feeling that we are beautiful woman ,,,same as you feel being a woman ,,,genetically we are built within by our DNA ,,,...it is a gift giving by God to us ..it is not a curse ...so once you accept this Idea ,,,the rest is easy ,,,,WHY don't you try to let him see this forum and show him that you are very interested to know so that both of you can accept this situation and try to make it work from both sides ,,,,yet the most important is to give him the courage to open up to you ....

[Soapstar411]

I know a few of you mentioned therapy throughout this thread, and I have been thinking about it. I want to mention it to him, but at the same time I'm afraid he may get offended. I think he just needs to open up in general. Even though I know his secret, I feel like he never wants to share anything with me (what he's thinking, his desires, etc) there have been many times where I will walk past him while he is on his phone, and when he sees me coming, he will quickly put his phone down. I don't know what to do, it's like he won't open up to me. How should I go about addressing therapy to him? Maybe there's other things that are going on that I don't know about?

[Bruce64]

I am a Crossdresser also and I find the fabric in Women Clothing I like, after many years of hiding my stash, my Wife was away for two Months and I took full privileges of wearing all that I water to wear, when she got back I told her about the way I am and she accepted it, bearing in mind I an not trying to be a Woman and I am not attracted to Men. So to make a long story short, I do what I do and I am a much more happier Person, now I can wear a Skirt and cook, I love wearing my Brassiere too and as honest as I am I do not know why I crossdressing.

[Soapstar411]

Bruce64,

I'm glad that you and your wife are able to have an open and honest conversation with one another! I believe that is key to a happy and healthy marriage. Unfortunately, me and my husband are not there yet, and I have expressed my concerns to him in the past about how I wish he would open up to me more, but nothing has changed. I hope it will soon.

[Sarah Doepner]

Soapstar,

I wish you and your husband the best as you move through this maze. Be patient overall because there will be blind alleys and time you have to reverse course in your attempt to make progress. I can't resist offering my opinion and observations as well, because, well because I can not because I have any better insight than anyone else.

Why is he dressing? Don't know. It could be any one or combination of many things. I've been doing it since I was a kid, thought I'd get over it when I got married, it came back and I hid it from my family yadda yadda yadda, it's a very common story. For me I like to think I'm "self-medicating" gender identity issues through the use of clothing. When this works it makes me a crossdresser. If I went to a doc to get hormones or started having surgeries it would probably make me transsexual, so I'm being successful with a much cheaper means of dealing with that issue. Not very many people have jumped on board with this idea, so take this and everything you read with a grain or two of salt, your mileage may vary.

Why is he hiding it from you? Don't know. I hid it from my late wife for years and yes, I was going out when I thought I had the chance. I loved her very much and she had a full plate of issues to deal with, our kids, her family, her career, the issues I'd bring to share, what problems her friends had, how the dog was doing and why was her favorite sports team not being successful. I kept that "little issue" from her because I was afraid and ashamed and because she didn't need one more thing on her mind. She found me out and I was on pins and needles for several days until she told me she had done her research and I should move my nice things to hangers rather than keep them stuffed in canvas bag in the basement. Yeah, I lucked out.

Why did she accept me? Because she was a saint? She said it was because those aspects of my personality that she loved the most were emphasized by my ability to embrace my feminine side. I wasn't attempting by that point in my life to overcome it by being all macho man. I had accepted it and her validation allowed me to move on. It may be that your husband is still working on accepting it himself. Even if he's going out and can't seem to keep from getting dressed up, he's still working on finding it okay to accept that part of himself.

What should you do now? Hell, I don't have a clue but I'll rattle on anyway. It sounds like you are being very gentle with him, accepting and maintaining a posture of open communication. That will work for a while but I'm afraid you will find yourself becoming frustrated and burning out if he doesn't respond in ways that meet your needs. And you have needs that are just as valid as anything he has. You are partners in life right now and that means sacrifices that are shared. Don't be afraid to let him know that you accept that aspect of his world, but he needs to reflect that he has an obligation to make sure you have answers to questions that are bothering you. Even little, tiny burrs under saddles eventually can cause big problems. If you go the route of letting him know he has to share more of this particular load, don't expect him to jump right in. He hasn't demonstrated a tendency to do that so far. But he eventually needs to understand your unconditional love needs to be met with more trust and the respect needed for you to remain concerned for his safety, be happy and supportive.

At this stage his crossdressing is a very solitary activity. He has become used to that and it is his "normal". It will take time to reframe that perception and he may resist. I'm not suggesting you drag him kicking and screaming into your camp, but it may feel like that to him at times. Others here have offered ways to go about letting him know how you feel. Trust your heart. Be strong and don't forget you will have to be your own advocate on this until he can join with you in a better understanding of what's going on in your lives together.

Finally, remember I'm a stranger to both of you. I think I'm offering good advice but you and your family will be the ones who have to face the reality of how any of this works. I wish you the best of luck, the strength of love and the benefit of patience as you move forward.

[ClosetED]

It has been over a month and it appears he has not talked more deeply about this, but has ordered more stuff and continues to dress thinking you do not know. I know there have been suggestions about printing out this thread or you crafting a letter- have you tried that? Your husband seems very typical - I stopped for 2 years after wedding - new love is the best way to suppress this. He thought he was cured. Until it returned. You asked the typical questions of someone who does not understand CDing but was wise enough to educate yourself here.
It seems you want to have open communication and he is not. So it depends on what he fears might happen-so I would suggest writing down your thoughts on him and CDing and sharing that. List off the possible concerns and what your stance is on them. E.g.
Are you gay? I have learned the vast majority are not.
Do you want to be a woman? While many have fantasies of being treated by a man as a woman, they do not want to transition.
Do you buy women's clothing? I know you buy them and that does not bother me. What bothers me is that you are hiding this wonderful part of you that makes you happy and you are not letting me share in this chance to make you even happier.
Do you go out in public dressed as a woman? I know you have and the neighbors know. So you let them see you dressed but hide that from the person who loves you the most. That hurts me, not your dressing.
Will I stop you or threaten you to stop? I know it is something deep in you and while you may wish this was not true, you will not stop. So I have accepted this in the person I love and want to make you feel comfortable trusting each other and sharing with me. This will bring us closer - that is what I want to happen - to love the person you are no matter how you choose to display yourself. I know you put on makeup at night and have not interfered. I would guess you wished to keep it on longer. We can work on times to let you do this.

Just some suggested wording. Others here may have other statements to suggest for you to choose or craft that is more accurate.
Hugs, Ellen

[Tina_gm]

Hello,

I am new to this forum. I just recently found out a few months ago that my husband is a cross dresser. I didn't find out through him, I found out from a neighbor who had spotted him numerous times walking outside in women's clothing while I was at work. I was more shocked than anything. I confronted my husband about it and he admitted it was true. He can be a very quiet person and he finds it hard to discuss certain things, including his cross dressing. I asked him what makes him want to dress up like a woman, and he just shrugged his shoulders. Ever since I found out, he is not open about it with me, so I have no clue what he is feeling. I want him to be comfortable with talking to me about this. So I guess my question is, what causes a man to want to cross dress? Maybe if I get an answer from someone who is open to discuss, I may get a better understanding. I love my husband very much, and he was scared to tell me out of fear of me leaving him, but I wouldn't do that. I just want to understand is all. Looking forward to reading your responses. Thank you.
So hard to say why he is not open about it to you. Many of us would give our right/left arm to be able to talk freely with our partners about it. As to why He or any of us crossdresses, again, many different reasons, although ultimately it stems from femininity. For some it is only erotic, others not at all, and then others it is both. Since this is likely the cleanest CD forum or major one out there, it tends to draw in more of us who have part or all of our core identity.

Not knowing age, location, occupation and how he was raised (all of which can play a big part in how he feels about himself) the answers of why he is not opening up to you can be more or less endless. Some examples- shamed when very young getting caught. Raised in a strict religious environment. Shamed after opening up to a prior wife or GF. Occupation in a all/mostly male high testosterone field (think construction) The general location being very non trans friendly. I live in such a location. Age related factors, Being that I am 52, and in a non trans friendly location, not much acceptance for it from my peers. A lot of shunning would be done, maybe not from all, but from many, including many women in my area who feel men should be men and nothing else. Lastly, he just may really be very confused about it all.Maybe has a definite masculine side to him and can't figure out why he feels the way he does. It can be very very confusing for us as for anyone else.

[Julogden]

The cause of crossdressing isn't known. He can't tell you why he does it because the urge to crossdress is simply part of him, not some sort of reasoned decision about who to be. He didn't just wake up one day and decide to be a crossdresser any more than he decided to be whatever height he is. :)

[Cherylgyno]

Soapstar. Like many have said, the reasons are infinite. I have been Cross dressing for more than 50 years. For me personally I began in my mother's clothes when I was 6 year's old. Mom caught me the first time. Her solution was to by clothes that were my size. Every year she bought me new clothes.
My wife caught me about 1 month after we wed many years ago. I was the one with a problem with my cross dressing. My wife sat me down and assured me that she supported my cross dressing.
Make some alone time with your husband. Assure him that there is no way that you would leave him because of the clothes that he wears. You could offer to help with his makeup. May be you could wear sexy lingerie when you have alone time with him.
I hope this helps. Feel free to private message me here on this site.

[Kayliedaskope]

Just to lighten things up a little ...

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/attachment.php?attachmentid=281846&d=1504899248

[docrobbysherry]

Soapstar, I've been married and divorced and I can read the writing on the wall. This is your 1st marriage and at least his second? Unless u 2 can learn to communicate? You'll learn a lot from this marriage and NOT make the same mistakes the next time! My guess is your guy has communication issues that caused his 1st bustup.

Your problems have little or nothing to do with his dressing. And, everything to do with communication breakdown. Find a good marriage counselor and go see him/her by yourself. He/she will guide u into the steps required to get your hubby in and talking. Most likely, just him with her/him at first, then both of u later.

If he refuses to discuss your issues with u and/or a therapist? Whether or not u like it, you're probably done. Sorry!:sad:

[Stephanie47]

Soapstar, you mentioned two things; married brief and he has a son. That sounds as if he was married or at least in a relationship prior to you??? If so, what happened? Was cross dressing an issue which led to a divorce or a breakup? That could be the reason he has shut you out. He may be fearful you will reject him. Perhaps, his first relationship went along blissfully and his wife/girlfriend turned on him. Or, there may be some baggage you do not know about. You mentioned secretive telephone calls which is always not a good sign. In order to get him conversing you may have to press the issue otherwise the big elephant in the room is never going to leave.

[Julie Slowinski]

Hi Soapstar,
It looks like you are getting lots of good advice and I also applaud you for being so supportive and seeking additional information on your own.

I'm gonna try a different angle. Let's forget about why (which you see has almost no answer) and focus on what it's like to be a crossdresser. Let me start be saying that this is just my experience and am not saying this is the experience of everyone, though I'm getting the feeling that you're husband may be similar. I should also add that this is not going to be an easy read. It's actually quite embarrassing, which is the reason the topic is not discussed to much on this or any of the other cd sites.

So, I started crossdressing right around the time I started puberty. I had discovered an interest in my mothers shoes and pantyhose right before I learned about masterbation. The point being that my initial experience with sexually was intermingled with crossdressing and the wires in my still developing brain have linked the two ever since. Now here's what it is like as teenager - you find a article of clothing (usually some hose and heels), you get them on and within 5 minutes you have ejaculated. At that point there must be some hormones released, because within an instant you're desire to wear those clothes is gone and you are ripping those things off as fast as you can. But, that's not the end. The urgency to get them off is because the guilt and self loathing has started. Why am I doing this? I'm supposed to be aroused by being WITH a girl, not be BEING the girl!!! It's such a terrible feeling, and if you combine it with all of the regular teenage problems it was just not a fun time of life. However, despite all that guilt a few days later I would be back in my mother's heels to do it all over again - it would just build up until I just had to give in to myself even though I knew the guilt would follow.

Let's fast forward to my 20's. Got my own place. Cobbled together some outfits, a few pairs of shoes (that actually fit my feet) and a basic supply of undergarments. Tried to find books on the subject but with limited success. My biggest breakthrough was to convince myself that everybody masterbated and I just did it in a different way than most. So, that reduced the guilt a bit, but really only enough to be able to go about the other parts of my life with relative normalcy. In fact, I started using the ejaculation to my advantage, cuz I could quickly remove the desire to be dressed up and get on with the other parts of my life. The problem was that I could not control when the desire would come back.

My third phase was from my late 20's until about a year ago. I had come out to my soon to be wife and she was (is) for the most part supportive, which really helped my self esteem. Could dress pretty much when I wanted to, but made sure her husband was around more often than not. About a year into the marriage she asked me to stop the dressing, so I did. Didn't purge, but stopped. About 3 months later she told me that it was okay if I started again, cuz she couldn't take living with angry guy anymore. I had pretty much accepted who I was and that this side of me did not make me a bad person. In fact, it made me a stronger person. If I could overcome all that guilt and shame and still have self confidence, then anything else in life should be easy. Of course, my old friend was still around, but not so much that it interfered with our sex life. Basically, it was used to cap off a weekend of dressing and bring me back to reality and focus on my career. There was still guilt, but it was definitely tempered by the conscious understanding that this is the way to put this side of me away. I should add that I was completely content just dressing in the house and really never thought about going out. It was my private thing and there was no need to make it public.

Okay Soapstar, so this last part may not be of interest to you, but I include it for completeness and if things work out for you, your husband may get to this stage. So my fourth phase actually started about five years ago, when I was living in another city away from my family for about four months for business. Our two kids were young at that time and it was really hard on my wife. Even though she knew what I was doing with my free time, to her credit she never once mentioned it. She really is a saint. Needless to say, I was dressing almost every night and for entire weekends. At some point I realized that if I put off the ejaculating part I could heighten the experience, especially on those long weekends where there was no need to put that side of me away. Toward the end I put a challenge to myself - two week while dressing every night. This meant keeping the feminine side in my head during the week while at work. It was hard to stay focused, but I managed and learned a new skill. Fast forward to December 2016, somehow the idea of going out en femme just pops into my head. By the end of January I had picked the name Julie, brought back the two week challenges and decided that I needed to step up my game. Previously, I didn't care that much what I looked like cuz who was going to see me anyway. So, finally got to the business of making hip pads that really worked, which sent me off on an online and in drab shopping spree - a 45 year olds salary really helped in that regard. This lead to really learning about makeup, especially m2f contouring. I didn't know when I was going to get out, but I knew I needed to be prepared. Finally, in May the stars aligned and a business trip to Seattle created the perfect opportunity. So, I seized it and went out three nights of a four night trip. I was in heaven and wondered why had I waited so long (the answer is simply that I wasn't ready before and that was perfectly fine). When I got back, I figured it would have been better if I was going out with girls I already knew. So, I joined a site similar to cd.com and started making those connections. Have been out a couple of times since and am really enjoying this new phase. The best part is that it has really strengthened my marriage. Seeing the challenges that others have with their SO's combined with the fact that she is okay with me going out has made me appreciate her so much more and since I have shared with her what I learned online she feels so much more appreciated.

Okay let's get back to you Soapstar. It appears that your husband is in the early stages of my second phase - kinda okay with himself but racked with guilt. I suspect his late night visits to the bathroom are what you are thinking by now and not because of the pleasure but because he is trying to get that girl out of his head and just get to sleep. The good news is that he will likely move out of this phase and into more acceptance of himself, but it may take some time - we all have our own time. The better news is that reading about others with the same problems can accelerate the process of self acceptance. So, I think you should encourage (maybe even demand) that he seek counseling or at least join an online support group to help him get to my phase three - a place where he can be content with himself, which is the only way he is going to be emotionally available to you. If you've ever watched Rupauls drag race, you'll know that she closes every episode with: If you can't love yourself, then how the hell you gonna love somebody else.

I really hope this helps and please feel free to pm me for any clarifications or follow up questions. As you can see, I'm an open book and am willing to do anything I can to help out such a wonderful person.

💋💋💋 Julie

[ClosetED]

The situations Julie mentioned are common, but I feel the majority of pubertal boys would be horrified by putting on women's clothing and not turned on. And several here started prior to puberty. So I think it may be genetic or earlier experience before we laid down permanent memories (so can't recall them now) that make us enjoy femininity. Julie is new here but seems to be very knowledgeable and self-aware (and very pretty).
Good communication and acceptance are the keys.
Hugs, Ellen

[Dana44]

Communication is the best ting between couples.. I would take it more slow and instead of asking him why. Try being closer to him and show him some things or go shopping with him. I have a different style than my SO but she does better at picking things out for me in the right colors for example.

[Kayliedaskope]

After all that Julie wrote, there's not a lot left to add. Then again, that is from one CD'er's own personal journey, and there are so many more of us out here making journeys of our own at different times, speeds, and different ways. Everyone has a story to tell - each one of us is the author of our story. Some are sad, some have a "happy ending", but all deal with the confusion/fears/shame/guilt/whatever that comes from each individual experience of being a cross dresser. Whether we do it for the sexual thrill, or because we are transitioning, or (like some of us) couldn't pass in a pitch-black room with seriously inebriated people and just like to wear the clothing, we all have been somewhere along the line. There's no right or wrong way to dress, whether going all out to be femme or simply wearing something pretty under your everyday drab - you do what feels right for you, and where your comfort zone is.

[Julie Slowinski]

Julie is new here but seems to be very knowledgeable and self-aware (and very pretty).

Thank you Ellen ... especially for the pretty part. 💋💋💋

[Kayliedaskope]

Well, you are very pretty, Julie. :)

[Soapstar411]

Stephanie47,

He was married before, so this is his 2nd marriage. The day I found out about his crossdressing, one of the questions I asked is if his ex wife knew and he said no, so that is not one of the reasons they split. It's not actually secretive calls, but it's more so just looking at his phone and putting it down whenever I come right next to him. It's like he doesn't want me to see what he's doing on his phone and it bothers me. In a way I feel like he's uncomfortable around me and I don't want it to be like this. I plan on sitting down and having a talk with him tonight about ways we can overcome any fears he may be facing and to just be open and honest with me. Lack of communication is something that can severely hurt a marriage, and I'm afraid our marriage will be damaged if he does not start communicating to me. I love him very much, but I want to start seeing changes. I'm hoping it will begin soon.

[ClosetED]

I would suggest having something in writing prepared. Emotions will run wild with "the talk' and some important points might be missed that you wanted to assure him on.

Good luck and thank you for wanting to understand us
Hugs, Ellen

[Soapstar411]

Thank you for the best wishes!

I did have another question though, and I know everyone is different so it may be hard to answer. Is it normal for a crossdresser to spend a hefty amount of money on clothing and makeup? The only reason why I ask is because I've been noticing package after package coming in the mail, and I know a lot of it is from Victoria's Secret, and that place is expensive, I can't even afford to shop there much. And he has never been the type (that I knew of) to spend a lot of money on clothes, food or anything. But he is obviously spending a lot of money on clothing. I have been curious about this for quite some time now.

[ClosetED]

Since you are aware of his CDing, he may feel years of pent up desire bursting and he is in "pink fog" - thinking only of this and not the consequences. A normal person spends a considered amount on their "hobby" - a man who wants a boat will spend lots of money on it, and the trailer, and dock fees. Same with golfer. Season ticket holders. But you don't make others lack because of it.
I can afford a lot but often buy inexpensive as they don't get much use. I have paid more for good wigs. I have just one pair of VS bra/panty that wife was with me and told me to pick a set but to deal with SA by myself.
When you have the talk tonight, you can joke (if appropriate), "I hope some of that VS was for me as well so we can both be sexy together"
Hugs, Ellen

[IleneD]

You ask what makes a man crossdress.
The answer is so simple, I wish I'd considered the simple wisdom of it before my wife.
Think: Men who want to be women. It's that simple. We are men who wish to be women; nothing more complicated than that. It speaks for itself and is true in every case of crossdressing I can think of.

Now... the reasons we wish to be women, or women part time, or enjoy parts of being a woman; or being a full time woman or a woman in our minds...... that varies as well as the influences and motivations learned over a life time.
But find out why your man (with no shame) wants to share in the glory of womanhood and why he wants to BE a woman, and you will solve your mystery.
It's a beautiful thing, though.

[ellbee]

Is it normal for a crossdresser to spend a hefty amount of money on clothing and makeup?

...

...he has never been the type (that I knew of) to spend a lot of money on clothes, food or anything. But he is obviously spending a lot of money on clothing.


Throughout my life I've often tended to be pretty frugal/cheap/a tightwad. Though there are certain things at certain times where I will just go hog-wild with my wallet... And CD'ing can definitely be one of them! :o

I don't tend to spend a lot on male clothing, either.


But these days, I am *obsessed* with leggings/yoga pants/running tights. Like, I literally want to buy *all* of them -- and wear them all day, every day, 8 days a week (yes, eight :heehee: ).

Seriously, I must be like in at least the top 5% of 1st-world women when it comes to the number & total cost of pairs of leggings in my "collection"... and I ain't even a GG! On some levels, it is kind of ridiculous.


But you know, it's fine. Nothing wrong with having some interests & passions in life, and spending some time & money on whatever they may be (as long as it's not overall financially hurting the person & those who they may take care of).

Have some fun & live a little! :)

(Oh, and I hope your SO splurges a bit on *you* at VS, sometimes! If not, bad CD'er... BAD! :spank: :roflmao: )

[faltenrock]

Thank you for the best wishes!

I did have another question though, and I know everyone is different so it may be hard to answer. Is it normal for a crossdresser to spend a hefty amount of money on clothing and makeup? The only reason why I ask is because I've been noticing package after package coming in the mail, and I know a lot of it is from Victoria's Secret, and that place is expensive, I can't even afford to shop there much. And he has never been the type (that I knew of) to spend a lot of money on clothes, food or anything. But he is obviously spending a lot of money on clothing. I have been curious about this for quite some time now.

Dear soapstar, yes, we CD do buy a lot of clothes.
As a guy, I wear mostly blue jeans, Timberlands and shirt, leather and other jackets. Today I own a lot more female clothes than mens clothes.
My closet is packed with 20+ dresses, 30 skirts, 10 or more jackets, 20 + top and blouses, many hoses and other underwear, and perhaps 10 pairs of heels. I think for most of us this is normal.
We just like female clothes and can't get enough of it. I'm still buying and sometimes sell a few pieces on classifieds.
Actually, I try not to buy very expensive pieces, mostly it's on sale or I buy some used dresses and skirts online.
Over the many years od collecting items and dressing, I've probably still paid a fortune.

If you have any more questions please ask.
Doreen

[Soapstar411]

ClosetED,

I am so glad I decided to sit down and talk with my husband! We had an open and honest conversation and it actually went a lot better than I thought. He opened up more to me than he did the day I found out. I asked so many questions and he answered all of them. He does not care who sees him in public, just as long as it's not someone he knows, which is why he has walked out the front door for our neighbors to see, because we do not know our neighbors very well. One of the questions I asked him was if he would ever tell his family and friends about it, and he said he's not sure if he ever will. He is worried about his loved ones judging him. I also asked if he knew what caused him to start dressing (he started when he was a kid) and he said he wasn't sure. We talked about clothes, makeup, and he also showed me his painted toes he did the previous night. And I did make a little joke about him buying me lingerie the next time he orders something online, and he laughed. I am so glad I went through with talking to him, and with the help of you all it gave me the courage to do so. I hope that these open and honest conversations with my husband will continue on!

[ClosetED]

Thanks for the feedback - I hope he also feels much relieved. Just being able to share my hopes and desires and pictures here makes me more peaceful with who I am. Maybe he would like to join. Having a spouse who really wanted truth and was accepting would be wonderful.
Hugs, Ellen

[faltenrock]

ClosetED,

...I also asked if he knew what caused him to start dressing (he started when he was a kid) and he said he wasn't sure. ...

Soapstar,
This is the most asked question I hear when I'm out and women start asking me about dressing, my wife included.
As simple as it seems, the answer is very difficult or impossible.

Most of us don't know what drives us to crossdress, nothing general. So really not much of an answer to expect.
I'm glad you talked with your husband.

[CONSUELO]

Dear Soapstar,

I'm so glad that you were able to sit and talk. It is hard for us CDers to talk openly as we have often been conditioned to keep our cross dressing a secret and avoid the opprobrium of public criticism. Keep talking and try hard not to judge. I think it would be good if he did offer to buy you some pretty lingerie and why stop there. He should find you some other good looking clothing also. If you can share and enjoy it would be good.
Many of us here started dressing at a very young age and for many reasons. Being a cross dresser is not so much a "hobby" as some believe, it is an integral part of ones self and you cannot just give it up. Keep that in mind when you talk to him. I hope that all your questions will be answered and all your fears will dissipate and you will enter a stable relationship free of fear. Best wishes

[Kayliedaskope]

Soapstar, congratulations to both you and your husband for being open with each other. You have a better understanding of why he likes to CD, and he in turn is relieved he doesn't have to hide it from you anymore. Coming out into the light of acceptance is THE hardest thing for us to do, and some never get there.

As you've already figured out, cross dressing is not a simple cut-and-dried answer. There are as many questions as there are answers, and in our world, "I don't know" is a very common answer. It's not an "I don't know" in the sense of avoiding the answer, or trying to hide something - for us, it really IS a sincere "I really have no idea why I do it, but it just feels right" kind of answer. Many of us have similar stories - started as a kid with a family member's clothing, stolen panties from a significant other - and then our own personal experiences branch out from there. The guilt, the shame, the constant worry of not being accepted, "are you gay" .... these things are always a part of our world. Why do we do it? "I don't know."

Look at a tree. They all start from a seed, and slowly grow into maturity, spreading their branches and growing their leaves. Think of how many trees are in a forest, and how many different kinds of trees there are. No two are exactly the same, but similar. It's the same way with us.

You are a rare gem among GG's, Soapstar, a cherished treasure. You are able to see past the surface and into the heart, where our true self lives ... where our real beauty is ... and you are beautiful in my eyes.

[rian]

I agree, communication is definitely important! The day that I found out and he admitted it to me, he did tell me that it started when he was a kid, and that he was afraid of people finding out and making snide jokes about him having a boyfriend. He is a quiet and shy person who gets embarrassed very easily, which makes it even more harder for me to get him to open up. I asked him if it was more than the clothes, if he wanted to physically make the change into a woman, and he said no. I also asked him if he was or has ever been sexually attracted to men, and again he said no. I guess for me it's just one question after another because the only answer/discussion I got from him was the day I found out, and a little bit the day after. Thank you for your response! I hope he will begin to open up to me.
My dear Soapstar
First of all ...what he is doing is very natural in his world ,,because this part of him is as real as you being a woman ,,,,Try not to struggle with him but come closer and help him to emerge his feminine side ,,,you will gain all his trust ,,,,then you will live happily with her ,,, if you struggle to accept him ,,you will loose his trust and his courage ...he does not know why he does this ,,,it is part of his DNA ,,,I think all CDs are in their DNA ,,,,Accept it and do not try to analyze it .....Lot of CDs do not like men but they love to feel females in nature and act upon this Urge ...To tell you the truth ,,we are women like you but in a mens bodies ,,Yet we accept our male side and we adore our ladies part ,,embrace him as he is and tell him that you love him no matter who he is ....