Long time no see

[ringo]

Hello everyone,

As always, i am not much of contributor on this site, i don't always have something to say.
I am sorry for the long post ahead but i could use some point of view here.

I have been going through a lot those last months. First, my mother's health got worse, she has cancer, and i can't see her because i live on the other side of the world. I also changed a lot about how i feel inside. I had a very feminine phase, i bought a lot of clothes, wanted to go out a lot. And then it went away, i felt like this wasn't real and that i needed to come back to the "real world". It lasted until recently. I felt girly again, meaning i get extremely frustrated and jealous of other women. I always feel good dressing, picturing me in wonderful dresses, with gorgeous hair i always wanted etc but when i look at myself in the mirror, even with makeup, i get disappointed. i feel lost between the person i would like to be and the actual person i am. i feel like an usurper and no matter what i do, i will never find a place for me. I see all those actresses i like and how beautiful they are, i see all those woman, who were born in the wrong body, succeeding in their fight to live as they wish. I feel small beside them, alone and different.

I know that post is extremely depressive, i know i am not contributing that much on the forum so i apologize for that.

[Alice B]

we can never live up to what we want to be or ideals we get from varied media. That does not mean we can't be ourselfs. It is nothing to be drpressed about. Enjoy your dressing and feel good about yourself.

[Pat]

Ringo -- First, sorry about your Mom. It's a very stressful thing to be going through (for both of you.) So please be kind to yourself.

I can't tell you how you feel, but if your feminine phase left you feeling dissatisfied, it may be that you should re-examine how you feel. What is it that makes you happy? I went through a phase where I thought I wanted to "pass." I thought that's what would make me happy. After a lot of reflection, I realized that for me trying to pass was just putting on a disguise. And I was already unhappy that I was having to disguise myself as male every day. So I tried on the thought that I'm not a woman - I never was - and that perhaps I'm really a transgender person. And the way I look is exactly the way I ought to look. And that gave be both comfort and confidence. I still wear clothes from the women's department, I still cultivate a feminine presentation because that's important to me for some reason. But I'm not a woman and I don't pretend to be one. I'm something else. But whatever I am, I'm a very happy one. As my therapist says, I'm authentic.

Maybe your issue is that what you did was not authentic for you. Maybe you were doing too many things because you thought you had to or were supposed to. My finding was doing things because they made me happy was a much better guide.

Good luck
Pat