Our new sexuality

[Candy Cox]

Is there an appropriate forum to discuss our new found sexuality? I truly don't want to violate any rules here. But what if I started with a high heel fetish and then found out I switched my sexual preference?

[Tracii G]

If you think CDing causes you to become gay it doesn't.
If you are gay you pretty much know it. Its not a thing where you wake up one day and all of a sudden you are gay.

[mechamoose]

Dressing/gender preferences have little to do with sexuality dear.

I have known big bad leather bears with a BAD case of helium heels. I have also known pretty little women who would HURT you just for looking.

Most cross-dressers are 'straight'. Yes, honestly.

However, I don't believe that this forum has a 'sexuality' section. It just kind of blends in with everything else.

<3

- MM

[KristinaK]

I think what you are saying, is that you have set yourself on a path of self discovery vs you actually changing due to CD. (correct me if I am wrong)

[jack-ie]

My first thought in answer to your question was "What if you did? Would that make you a different person?"
A more thoughtful answer is that, yes, when I allow my feminine side to reign, my personality does change somewhat and for the better, I think. When I drop the manly façade, I become a softer person, a more considerate person. I am more likely to offer a deserved compliment, more sensitive to another's feeling and more tolerant of real or conceived faults.
My sexual preferences don't change because I'm wearing the girls or a dress. My default preference is a lady but I've had very pleasurable experiences on both sides of the fence.
The clothes you wear won't change your preference but it's possible that they might trigger a desire that always been there but deeply hidden.

[mechamoose]

Sometimes, the new identification as a different gender makes you question a lot of other things about yourself.

It is all good, and all 'normal'.

- MM

[Candy Cox]

Hmm, something always there, triggers bring it out. Perhaps that is true. I'm not so black and white these days, lol, so I don't agree with "if your gay you know it" style of thinking, the binary decision.

I was never an aggressive kid, the bullies discovered that pretty early on. I was never an alpha male, but I tried some things- some sports, hunting. I was not good at these.

I would wear my sisters dresses and shoes when left alone as a young teen. So the seeds were spouting then. I loved it of course, but in 1970 in a middle class suburb, who even knew about cd, transvestites? We heard the derogatory jokes about gay (we used other bad words back then), but I never knew a real live person. A little sheltered kid with some feminine traits I needed to express, but that was not even a known option.

This forum is a great resource, younger ones now have so much more info, and world views are changing before our eyes.
Candy

[deebra]

Well here's how I see it and like always Traci and I disagree. Growing up as a child, adolescent and teen back then boys dated girls and homo or bi were never ever mentioned and that's how it was, period. If 1 out of a 1000 was gay, queer back then he was looked down on. As society has loosened up and gotten a little smarter as far as preference for a sexual partner acceptance has come along. Both CDs and non CDs admire beautiful sexy women with the clothes that accent their sexiness and body parts, so much that some of us would like to change to be those women and others know the closest thing we can do to be them is wear their clothes. The others for some reason don't have the desire to take it as far as we do. For some wearing their clothes wants them to feel even more like a woman by doing the sexual things a woman does with a man. Watching CD videos and reading can add to this womanly desire and when dressed draw them to wanting to try sex as a woman with a man. So I believe that crossdressing, transsexual videos, reading TS articles, etc. can make a CD want to be more of a woman by having sex with a man and it wasn't a hidden trait they were born with. Do you think the same at 60 years old as you did at 17? We change, physically, smarter and some even sexual preference. And don't forget some males change from wearing men's clothes to prefer wearing women's clothes and presenting as a woman.

Candi there is only one way to find out if this is for you and we all know what that is.

[Tracii G]

Honey FYI if you are gay you do know it.Every gay man I know me included knows it.
Just because you were never an aggressive kid doesn't mean a whole lot neither does playing sports or hunting.
To make my point here is brief history of me as an example.
I am gay but I love to hunt and love shooting sports.(Not a gay sport usually right?)
Was a member of a 1%er outlaw motorcycle club.( deff not a gay friendly bunch of people).
Worked as a bouncer at a biker bar.( kick ass and take names and send you packing).
Just to add I love to get out in the woods and go 4 wheeling,rock crawling or trail riding ATV's.
So you can see all of those activities have nothing to do with ones sexual preference.
the words " triggered and binary" are just current fluff words for people to use that don't want to admit who or what they are.
Kind of like putting the blame on outside influences rather than admit the truth about themselves.

P.S. deebra I agree with your post and kudos well said.

[Robertacd]

I am going to have to side with Tracii on this one, every gay person I know, always knew they were gay from around the time they hit adolescence and even younger. I have always identified with female more than male, not to say I don't like "manly" things and activities, but for instance I never played sports in school. I have been crossdressing since about age 10 but I have never had any sexual interest in men beyond masturbatory fantasies that I could never go through with in real life.

[mechamoose]

"If 1 out of a 1000 was gay, queer back then he was looked down on."

It was, and it still is, 1 in 10, as it always has been. The rest is just publicity.

I knew I was 'queer' since like 11 or 12. I was checking out Mom's clothes since like 8. I have a specific memory of standing in front of a full length mirror as 8 with Mom's bra on. It had nothing to do with sex (the act).

Having said that, the idea of dressing *never* mattered to what made 'Mr Happy' happy.

*PEOPLE*, intelligence, wisdom, creativity.. THAT makes me internally turgid.

- MM

[Ressie]

Sure every gay person that you know, always knew they were gay. They came out as gay when they were young! But what about repression of homosexual thoughts? You know, Freud's theory of latent homosexuality. What about those thousands of men that have only been a little bi-curious their entire life and have only been in heterosexual relationships?

Yes CDing and sexual preference are two different things but for some they go together like coffee and cigarettes. I think for Candy the fetish aided in bringing out repressed thoughts. No, I'm not a psychologist but Freud was. She may try sex with men at this point and find it's not as good as sex with women or vice versa.

[Tracii G]

Maybe so Ressie.
Candy may just be bi curious at this point.
Many times I have read here where people join up they have a fear if they accept or start to like CDing that they will in fact turn gay.
Even new members will make the comment I love to dress up but I'm not gay is this normal?
So my point is its a common misconception that dressing and sexual preference go hand in hand but we know it doesn't work that way. Candy may not be aware of that at this point.

[Jenny22]

In my profile I indicated that I was Bi-curious. This was not always the case. The more I was able to dress, (sexily at times) and present as a woman with jiggling breasts and a flat front, the more the thought of being the woman with a man grew as a fantasy. I've never acted on it and probably never will, but Deebra's comments certainly capture my fantasy feelings.

[ClosetED]

As Traci said and others commented on, Candy - you may be more curious than gay. Many CDers desire to be affirmed in their femininity and fantasy or even actual actions to have a man treat them as a woman are enjoyable. But if you do not get physically turned on by seeing a man, you are more likely curious. IMHO
Hugs, Ellen

[sherri]

My own personal experience over the last 17 years is that this matter can be and often is more nuanced than this thread reflects so far. Just sayin.

[mechamoose]

'curious'?

A given person gets born. They don't even know what the world is, never mind where they fit.

Waah, wahh (gasp *cough*)

What new information do you have about yourself since that day? You get some stuff your parents tried to pass on, crap happens, but at 16+ you kinda are on your own.

Yikes, my youngest is 16 (My oldest is 33). I'm open and honest, gender? He is totally cool with that... but talk about tab A into slot B, his ears light up like flares.

He recently had this little cutie who was ALL over him (if *I* was 16, I know what *I* would have done), and he just felt awkward. Gahh.. tell your teen that *S*E*X* is NORMAL and they get all weird. Maybe picturing Mom & Dad?

He gets that it isn't about physical intimacy, it is more about being a friend. (if I can save him from being a dad before 30, my task was accomplished)

Just like us. It is not about sex. It is about relationships. Bits vary, some assembly required.

If you are hungry for steak, then go have a steak. If you feel like fish, then go get some fish. The choice is yours.

<3

- MM

[Robertacd]

Interesting that your 16 year old gets all weird when you talk about sex being normal. I had a very frank discussion about sex with my son when he was in middle school. ( I got his mother pregnant the first time we had unprotected sex) By the time he was 16 he had no problem asking me or his mother to buy him condoms.

[AllieSF]

What happened to someone being bi-sexual, versus only being gay or bi-curious? As far as I know, just because someone has sex with the same gender does not mean that they are automatically gay or lesbian. However, they can be bi-curious or bi-sexual, sometimes referred to pansexual, and may even self determine that they are gay or lesbian afterward. It seems like in the first part of this thread people automatically assumed that one had to "know". Being Bi-whatever can definitely be a learned and a late in life occurrence for someone with different catalysts starting it for each one. For many, it has to be discovered and experimented with. I have met several women who after being married and having kids entered a lesbian relationship, get remarried and had another kid, never "knowing" that they were lesbian from the beginning. I have a couple like that in my extended family now. I have also met some publicly professing gay men who were also married with several kids who ended up in gay relationships. I can agree that most gay and lesbian people probably know from a very early age that they are different and eventually learn what that difference is. But, I also believe that some, a probably small percentage of the whole, never know until later in life.

[mechamoose]

Funny you say that Roberta, My parents had me from both of their first times. She was 16, he was 18. My dad didn't just get a 'hole in one', he got the youngest of three daughters. My Grampa did not approve of Dad because he wore *jeans*. Yikes, 1963 values.

But that was the best he had.

But since then, I have told all my spawn about my dalliances with men and women, the polyamorus life I have led the drugs I did, the choices I made. They are *conservative* compared to me then and now.

(Nota Bene: Kid 1 and 2 were with partner 1, mid 80's. Kid 3 was with partner 2, 15 years later. Yes, I *chose* to have kid 3 when Kid 1 was 16. )

We chose a number of things (including circumcision) differently with Kid 3. We have been frank about ... well, just everything about being a human. It is all meat and intent.

My 16 year old is 6'5" and has a beard I did not own until I was in my 20's. He gets *chased*... but he wants none of it.

His best friend is 15 and acknowledges he is gay (Who did that at 15???) I thought for certain 3 would at least be Bi.

You don't really know what comes after you, no matter how loud you are.


"What happened to someone being bi-sexual, versus only being gay or bi-curious? "

Social crap.

If I *LIKE* you, then a don't give a damn what bits you have. Did YOU get to pick your gender? I know I certainly frakking didn't.

I like an interesting person, the rest is variable. What one chooses to pursue is up to them and their comfort level with themselves.

It *IS* (like much of this identify stuff) about your comfort level with yourself.

- MM

[AllieSF]

MM, I do not get your "Social crap" wording. I agree that if one is gay, lesbian or trans, or probably a lot of other things that are part of our being and how we act are there from the beginning. However, we may have never discovered that until later in life. Gay and lesbian are binary when looking at the fact that they are true to their choice of sexual partners. Bi-sexual?pansexual are those that really don't care what the othe person is, they are just attracted to them and would have no issue having a sexual relationship with them. To me, bi-curious is one exploring their sexuality. They may try, not like and go back to being heterosexual, or may like both and keep that option open during their life, or they may realize that they are gay or lesbian and just needed some type of motivation, change in life, trauma, or whatever, to move forward. Bi-curious is just an experimentation stage, and we should experiment to find our true selves.

[mechamoose]

I guess to me, the acceptance is 'social crap'.

The rest is really the heavy lifting. You like someone, maybe you even love someone. That person is (likely) another Homo Sapien.

Do you like chocolate or vanilla?

Do you sometimes like that blended thing that Wendy's does?

To me, bi-curious is someone finally seeing that the wall between 'genders' is pretty thin. At the other end of it is a person, and they want YOU. (or you want THEM)

Maybe they dress like their DNA rules say they should, maybe they don't (I don't)

You still like them, and they still like you, yes?

The only reason 'Bromances' exist is because they are too afraid to kiss & snuggle.

Love is love.

How hard is that?

- MM

[Tracii G]

Allie what are you gay,straight,pansexual ?

[StephanieM]

I'm not an expert obviously, but my theory, Candy, is you probably have suppressed your sexual preference, maybe even subconscienly, and the heels may have awakened what you have always felt inside, but were afraid to explore. As others have said already, dressing doesn't change our sexuality because the 2 are independent for us. You however said it was a fetish so in your case I don't believe the 2 are seperated. I think for you they go hand in hand, and you know what? it isn't a big deal. Love who you love and enjoy what you do with people no matter what they have between their legs, as long as you are with a willing partner it doesn't matter.

[AllieSF]

Tracii, I am me and my personal preferences are my private territory to share when I desire. How I am has nothing to do with my opinions expressed here, and I, like you, have many friends and acquaintances who cross gender and sexual borders in many ways, and we have both been here a long time, probably too much constant time speaking for myself. That experience gives me adequate justification to participate here, if that is where you are going with your question.

[Tracii G]

I just asked so I knew exactly where you were coming from nothing more.
I respect your wish not to say and thanks for not taking that the wrong way.

[LilSissyStevie]

Apparently, sexual preferences and gender identity are changing all the time at least according to: http://www.gallup.com/poll/201731/lgbt-identification-rises.aspx I wonder though if much of the increase in LGBT identification among millennials is media driven since nowadays it is somewhat chic to be LGBT in petite bourgeois "progressive" circles.

I am officially, according to a state appointed psychiatrist after a pre-sentencing exam, a "latent homosexual." The only problem with that is I'm not attracted to dudes. Believe me, I tried to be, but there was nothing there. However I do have "gay" fantasies. In my gay fantasies there is a penis but it is attached to a ghost. In my "straight" fantasies the penis is attached to a GG. I don't think it fits into any of the neat little gay/bi/straight categories. I have zero romantic attraction to males. I don't even have any male close friends. Never have. My relationship with other males is strictly utilitarian. So what's with the penis fetish? I think it's because submission to the penis is a powerful symbol of emasculation and I find emasculation to be both comforting and sexually arousing.

[Tracii G]

Gallup polls are notorious for being highly inaccurate.

[LilSissyStevie]

What's important here is not accuracy so much as precision. If they use the same methodology over time and get differing results then that indicates something might be changing. If someone wants to tear into the methodology and destroy their results, go for it. Until then, they seem in the ballpark to me.

[Tracii G]

Funny how things are 180 degrees out of whack these days where accuracy is not important.sheesh.
Like you have to pass the bill first to see whats in it. We know how that thinking works out LOLOLOL.

[Rhonda Jean]

My own personal experience over the last 17 years is that this matter can be and often is more nuanced than this thread reflects so far. Just sayin.

Yep.

To elaborate... My experience is that cultural, societal, traditional things can override "gay", maybe forever. For all the decades that I was married and before I never once thought of myself as gay. I was over 50 my first time. Only looking back can I see perhaps a dozen things that happened along the way that could have been a hint to myself that perhaps I wasn't as entirely straight as I thought I was. Things that were easily gone by, then back to living my traditional straight, married, work-a-day life. Then at 50 and on my own for the first time, freedom, different friends and experiences, a more open mind, walls start coming down. Opportunities that would have never arisen during my married life happen. There are no barriers other than in my own mind, and those are weaker than ever. Had I been suppressing those desires and tendencies my whole life? Suppressing is way too strong of a word. I did not actively or consciously suppress anything. I often wonder what my life would have been like if I'd discovered this part of myself (and acted on it) when I was a teenager. But, that's not the way my life worked out, and it worked out pretty well anyway. The best parts of my life occurred when I was straight and married. There was no struggle there. Frankly, sometimes I wish I'd never found out. Sometimes I wish there'd never been that first time. Other times I want to make up for lost time.

Did my sexuality change? Did I just very successfully suppress for my whole life? Am I just playing with a new toy? Is there only one right answer? Does it matter? That one I can answer. No. Of course it doesn't matter.

[mechamoose]

"I am officially, according to a state appointed psychiatrist after a pre-sentencing exam, a "latent homosexual."

How does that even work? I mean, fine I'm a latent jeweler based on how I spend my time. But I *like* jewelry and fabrication.

How are you 'latent' something that you don't like?

- MM

[Dana44]

Oh I don't know, But I was gf to a guy and enjoyed that very much. Yep sex was very good also. I like women better and did really try guys. oh i would like a guy that likes me like this. Ah, Hoot I am BI and am with a women.

[Candy Cox]

Wow, what a lively little thread! I love all the deep, heartfelt and earnest responses. As to those directed directly to me- thank you all so very much!!!!

Some take aways for me, Candy: there really is no one answer. Certainly not any binary side to fall on, but a big wide spectrum of sexuality. Each of us has had varied experiences, and come from a variety of world views. Therefore we each own our own opinion, which we feel is correct, otherwise we wouldn't hold it, lol.

I believe I evolved over time. Nature or nurtured, who knows. There certainly were some cd roots deep in me as a kid. Society did not offer an accepting avenue at the time (for us 60 year olds then). Repression, not a conscious decision, more a reaction. I got married young, hormones raging, it's the American dream, right. I don't regret all the wonderful consequences that ensued.

But I started buying high heels decades ago, at age 30, wore an my commute. Around 10 years ago I really ramped it up- full dressing on my commute. It's my all alone time.

I met a guy via the net, warning I know it's not correct safe etc. we had an afternoon- OMG, I loved being affirmed as a woman, and it felt SO good. I'm hooked. I had a fling with a friend, I so love it. He's conflicted, I wonder where he's at in this spectrum!!

My dream- a nice fellow that will accept me as pretty (whether I am passable or not). One that affirms me with words and deeds, deeds would be nice, oh my.

[Tracii G]

Are you still married now?

[mechamoose]

That was an identity disconnect. She did not know how to handle the change you showed her. It was too abrupt.

}:<

Sorry

[Tracii G]

So she know about your flings with guys?
If you were married you shouldn't have cheated just sayin'.
If you told her that then no wonder she got mad.

[jack-ie]

Good gawd girl, you don't just tell her you're crossdresser and then prance around in heels and jump in bed in a negligee. Did you also tell her of an affair with a man? You're worried that your friend is conflicted? What about her feelings?
I would think she is overwhelmed, in shock, confused by all of this, and justifiably hurt.
I'm sorry Candy, but I think you handled this in a very selfish manner. Just my 2 cents worth.

[mechamoose]

Jack-ie expressed what I was too polite to say.

WTF were you thinking?

We live day to day, no matter who you are. It does not matter where you live, what you do for work or how you swing. This thing we have is all about identity, something that might just matter to your partner.

You DID marry them because they were your partner, yes?

The person who would be there regardless, despite you being old and sick?

You messed up, sweetie. This has nothing to do with identity, but it has everything to do with delivery and promises.

Sorry, but I'm going to side with her rather than you. You sandbagged her.

- MM

[sometimes_miss]

But what if I started with a high heel fetish and then found out I switched my sexual preference?
And in other news, licking ice cream cones and eating sausage or bananas causes a sudden desire for straight men to want to perform fellatio. Sometimes I can't believe some of the things I read here.

[Tracii G]

[QUOTE=LilSissyStevie;4132516]

I am officially, according to a state appointed psychiatrist after a pre-sentencing exam,

Sentenced to what exactly?

I agree sometimes miss.
Some stuff I read here makes no sense at all and I doubt a lot of it.

[Krisi]

.......... But what if I started with a high heel fetish and then found out I switched my sexual preference?

You are saying that wearing high heels turned you gay?

There are many threads on this forum about crossdressing and fantasies of being (sexually) with a man. I think they are just that, fantasies. Strapping on a pair of boobs (or in your case, heels) cannot turn you gay or change your sexual preference.

If you have "turned gay", that's fine. It's OK to be gay if you truly are. And if you have sex with other men (wearing heels or not), you are gay. Or at least bisexual.

For the most part, it is nobody's business but your own and your partner's. It's not illegal to be gay and you don't have to sit in the back of the bus or use a separate washroom.

[LilSissyStevie]

"I am officially, according to a state appointed psychiatrist after a pre-sentencing exam, a "latent homosexual."

How does that even work?

- MM

It's psychobabble for "gay and in denial." I don't know what his problem was. After all, he was the one showing me all those ink blot pictures of penises.:straightface:





Sentenced to what exactly?

I agree sometimes miss.
Some stuff I read here makes no sense at all and I doubt a lot of it.

It was a drug charge. I also had a long history of mental issues and trouble with the law hence the psychiatric exam. Is that so hard to believe? Really? BTW, I was sentenced to more probation.

[Crystal 42]

Hi Candy.

High heels might just be a fetish (nothing wrong with that since fetishes are normal) for you or you may simply prefer that style and see it in your mind as an idealised accessory of femininity. It has absolutely no influence on your sexuality so it won't magically make you bi, gay etc. if it did, (checks wardrobe and sees all the 6 & 7" platforms) I would have discovered that for myself long ago. :D

[Misty Rae Pleasure]

CD'ing is a very grey world. The lines are very distinct for some and others they are blurred. Jack-ie said it well with her comment about "triggering a desire" and TraciG noting that many of us have very masculine activities outside of crossdressing. I believe more crossdressers have gay or bi-sexual desires than they might care to admit. I have gay and bi-sexual fantasies when I am dressed as Misty Rae way more than when I am not. In my early years before being married I had a chance to walk on the wild a few times and I liked it but felt guilty about it. I am married so I don't act on those desires anymore and I am happy to say I longer beat myself up for having those desires. I like you Candy have a bit of a fetish for high heeled shoes and have liked them on women way before I ever became a crossdresser. As long as others don't get hurt, what really do you have to loose by experiencing that side of you.

Misty Rae