Dealing with feeling conflicted

[kimdl93]

I'm guessing...projecting, perhaps...that many of those here are dealing with feelings of conflict between the lives they live and this other part of their identities. If you are among the conflicted, or were, how have you handled the emotional stresses?

[Lana Mae]

Kim, I post on this forum and PM a few of my friends to let it all out! Sometimes you just have to rant and then let it go! Yes, I know sometimes it does not want to go! Without knowing specifics, not sure I can go any further with this! PM me if you want! You will have an answer of some kind in less than 24 hours! Hugs Lana Mae

[kimdl93]

No need to pm....I'm much more interested in other peoples' circumstances than my own.

[JenniferZ]

I think it is normal. Many of us just want to be ourselves - whatever that is. Having an SO that is fully accepting has gone a long way for me. Up until that point I felt I had to hide and sneak around and I don't feel that now with the person I'm with.

Jennifer

[Tracii G]

I think emotional stress is kind of a cop out for being too scared to be yourself.
You think up scenarios to keep you from dressing and then deal with the suffering because you think thats what you are supposed to do.
I realized I needed to get out in public and be myself in order to clear myself of all the fears I had.
Stresses and emotions are brought on by yourself so you only have yourself to blame .
Of course some blame where they live geographically or their or their SO's religious beliefs.

[GeorgeA]

Tracii,

I think you present a very good analysis of the source of many problems discussed on this forum.

[Teresa]

Kim,
Sadly to finally deal with the problem my wife and I have decided to go our separate ways I don't for a minute think all those problems will go away but at least I won't have a DADT situation to consider . I'm hoping I can see things much clearer ,OK I will have to get over the hurdle of dealing with new neighbours but I intend to be totally up front from the start. If they see me in my front garden they will have two choices , as will the dog walkers .

Twenty years ago I nearly ended my life through these issues, so glad I didn't succeed, now I have a new life opening up with friends I can see on a regular basis .

Tracii,
You have been through separations/divorce twice so you are more qualified than most to pass an opinion on dealing with conflict. As you say you make the excuses or you have them forced on you by your partners, it's a matter of putting yourself in a situation where you don'thave those pressures.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Isn't feeling conflicted and suffering emotional stress a normal state for most people, at least part of the time? Aren't the coping skills for a CDer parallel to coping skills for any other form of stress?

Most people worry about their image and are afraid not to conform, so is there that great a difference between an Instagram-obsessed teenaged girl and a crossdressing 50 year-old male?

[Tina_gm]

It seems my conflictions have conflictions at times Kim. It's a work in progress and probably always will be. I guess at least the way I look at it and deal with it now is a few things. I'm not alone in this. In the big picture male and female have more in common than not, save for anatomy. Internally we all still feel the same emotions, just slightly different triggers and sometimes outward expression of them. We like most of same food, general hobbies even, again with slight variations. In the real big picture that is.

So, I'm not a perfect fit when it comes to male and masculine. Accepting that, and it's conflicts. Lastly, I look at those who have had tragedy. Born without eyesight, or hearing. Or missing limbs, or losing them. Tragedy of losing loved ones such as kids or partners. Their own illnesses which cannot be cured. My gender conflicts are difficult at times no doubt. Not as difficult as what the above mentioned go through. To those above who find ways to deal and live, if they can, so can I.

[suzy1]

As soon as we realize that our desire/compulsion to cross-dress is just a natural part of who we are and we were just born this way then any stress or conflict should just go away.
Perhaps if you are feeling any guilt whatsoever at crossdressing then you are just letting the ignorant ‘others’ get into your head.

For me being Suzy is just the icing on the cake of life. :dance:

[Laura912]

After years of conflict, purging, suppressing, and guilt, realized through a lot of reading that the condition was probably inherent at birth. Also, aging helped and perhaps societal acceptance in some areas helped. Of course, this site was of great assistance. Am I completely free of any conflict? Perhaps. Do I live with it much better? Yes. And when I depart this world, will probably be buried in boot heel. (You really did not expect humor to stay out of this, did you?)

[SaraLin]

If you are among the conflicted, or were, how have you handled the emotional stresses?

Well, let's see....
I tried denying/suppressing my feelings. That didn't work. I'd be OK for a while till the pressure built up
I tried self-medicating (booze in my case). It didn't work.
I went to see a therapist. When I told him, he said "follow your truth" and referred me to a gender therapist.
She was wonderful, and I started down the SRS (GRS?) track, but it also didn't work - for a number of reasons.
Eventually, I decided that -like it or not- I'm somewhere in the middle, and had to accept that. THIS IS WORKING.

I'm very private about it, and only a few people know my story. I don't pass in public and don't try anymore. If someone catches on to my ways, I accept it with a shrug carry on. Shame and guilt are behind me. I'm who I am and that's OK.

Yes, my wife knows and is marginally supportive (limited in-house only and keep it a secret). I honor her wishes as best I can, and we're happy together. If she'll have me, I'm gonna stick around...so far so good :dance:

[dan.dan]

"how have you handled the emotional stresses" This tells me you (or any of you with this problem) have not come to terms with your desires. In humble opinion, you have to accept who/what you are, otherwise you will continue to have the angst over it. I've been told that a serial killer will sleep for days afterwards (not that I'm comparing the two, just example of what the stress can do).

[KC Samanatha]

Kim you pose an amazing question. Like many I post on here every so often, PM friends from this and another site to relieve the strain a bit. That and I have a regular Therapist I see every couple of weeks.
And I can't stress this last part enough at least in my life I have realized that daily exercise routines are vital to my well being.
So I am not so conflicted like so many have stated, I guess the aging process has taken away some of the angst of it, and having a few close friends and my spouse know that I am a Crossdresser and will always be one!
In closing find a Trained Professional and keep talking to people here!

[StephanieM]

My whole life I've been conflicted over this. I ended up supressing it for many years. I ended up coming into acceptance in stages.
Stage 1 was wearing just panties.
Stage 2 was wearing nighties around the house and sleeping in them.
Stage 3 was where I am now where I dress fully and even have left the house a few times.
Stage 4 I hope will be total acceptance of myself and literally not caring what the rest of the world thinks about my wardrobe.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I agree with Gendermutt, not for the first time.

I think that to many crossdressers, their gender dysphoria is the most prominent thing in their lives - though it may be mixed up with the impact of it on relationships. So because it's the most prominent thing it gets a disproportionate amount of their attention and becomes the focus for all their anxieties and fears - or stresses, or conflicts.

Humans are wired to worry, it seems. I've noticed in myself that although the focus of my worries changes from time to time, I seem to live most of the time with a certain background level of worry. For me I worry far more about an intruder getting into my house at night than I do about being a crossdresser, and I 'cope' with that by checking the doors and windows a lot. The main problem is that my wife has no such worries and regularly goes to bed having left various things unlocked... yet she worries herself silly about not being able to pay the bills, despite the fact that we don't really need to worry too much about money.

I'm sure very rich people worry a lot about losing all their money, and they certainly develop trust issues even with close family. I just think that whatever is most important to you is going to be the focus of your worry.

Some just deal with worry/stress/conflict better than others.

[Fiona123]

Honestly I handle the conflict (of being closeted) poorly. I am frequently depressed. I'm starting a new therapist Wednesday. She presents from her web page as female but the intake fellow told me they (the preferred pronoun) identifies as agender.

[Dana44]

It took me about forty years To figure myself out. Then another five years to accept myself. Mentally I had to work it out and had shame and guilt for those five long years. Once I accepted myself all the shame, guilt and other emotions went totally away. Indeed we are who we are and once you accept and love yourself the world becomes a better place. And if you open yourself a partner may come in and make things even better. But you have to love yourself first.

[Sarah Doepner]

I'm guessing...projecting, perhaps...that many of those here are dealing with feelings of conflict between the lives they live and this other part of their identities. If you are among the conflicted, or were, how have you handled the emotional stresses?

Kim,
Projecting is a major issue. We project our fears and insecurities and occasional self-doubt or self-hate out and assume others feel that way toward us. Maybe some of them do, but as long as we continue to not address it with them, it's the only information we've got and it builds our feelings of conflict.

So how do I attempt to deal with it? 1) I was in denial. Yeah, that didn't work very well. I was cranky. A lot. 2) I attempted to keep it limited to a few special times. That didn't work very well either. I was still cranky, particularly as I got closer to the next "special time". I gave myself good shots of that time, occasionally several days at a time. 3) I accepted my gender dysphoria as part of my life but kept it from others. Some improvement since I understood and wasn't fighting myself all the time. I still got cranky and antsy, but it was a bit more manageable with less shame. There was still fear of being discovered. 4) I got involved in a support group. That helped although I needed to come up with stories about what I was doing once a month and I felt terrible hiding behind that lie. 5) I was discovered by my spouse. After several days of high anxiety she let me know she still loved me and thought it was probably my female characteristics that were a major aspect of what she loved about me. Yeah, I really lucked out there. I could dress much more often, particularly since it was just the two of us at home. I was just getting comfortable with it all and she got sick with the cancer that eventually took her life. 5) That put me back in the closet, with most of old the fears and concerns and eventually led to me coming out to my adult children. They also took it well. 6) They took it well but when one had to move in with me and brought his children who were not ready, in his eyes, to know their grandpa was a crossdresser I got back in the closet, but I had the full arsenal of tools to accommodate the accompanying stress, I thought.

Last night I had a support group meeting. I packed a bag, changed at the location of the meeting. After the meeting we went to a pancake house to eat. I thought the grandkids were going to be at a sleepover by then but discovered it had been postponed. I had to change partially in a parking lot and partially in the garage once I got home. I was agitated, to say the least, but I had to accept they were at my house on my invitation and would probably be moving out in the next couple of months. I swallowed my anger or disappointment or resentment as I had done so many times in the past and chose to vent in other ways. Clean the kitchen, write the story here, become distracted by music or reading, have a drink, focus on the positive responses I received while out in public; all things that helped diffuse the negative and maybe selfish emotions I was feeling in acceptable ways.

So even with experience, openness (to a point), acceptance and diversions, those conflicts and emotional stresses still roll around. So I guess unless we are fully out to the world and personally unconflicted, we better have a good set of coping skills that work for each of us individually.

[Alice Torn]

Sarah Charles, very well said.