A slap in the face

[ashleymasters]

Hey everyone. It's been a while since I posted. A lot has happened in the last few months. I have almost fully decided I want to transition. My wife has gotten on board with ashley from going in public to the bedroom even. I've had lots of time to dress and even company when doing so which has been terrific. But I hit a bump in the road last Friday. I live with my wife in her fathers house. And the other day the house was empty. So I sat around dressed in a cute outfit. Head to toe as usual. With my wig, make up and even nails. Unexpectedly my fatherinlaw came home early and saw me dressed. He first looked stunned and then disappointed. He just said "please tell me you're kidding" and walked away. As he walked away he called out behind him "you need to tell your wife bc I'm going to call her". I think he assumed she didn't know. I text him that she already knew. He had no clue and I didn't tell him I think about transitiOning. He hasn't spoken to me since. Just asked my wife to tell me if I dress in his home again he'll ask me to leave and that I throw all my girly thIngs away. I don't even mind that someone I didn't expect saw me. But I feel very hurt for a few reasons. One that he won't even speak to me. I feel very judged and disapproved of. I don't really care what others think. I've actually reveled in the attention I get when I've gone out lately. But he's family to me. I just feel that bc he doesn't like something I do every other thing about me is forgotten. And it's not even like it be done anything wrong. I don't do drugs. I didn't hurt anyone. It literally is harmless. And he seemed so disgusted. It's a big house. And my wife's sister and three kids live with us. Between our families there are 5 kids. I play the role of dad to all of them. I work full time. But before this job I juggled three or fOur part time jobs to make it work. I do all of the maintenance on the house and or four vehicles. My father in law said he would have sOld the house if we didn't move in so I took it upon myself to take on the responsibility of keepIng the home in shape. Seven days a week I have 16 hours day full of activities or work and never deny anyone in our home any favor. Before the other day he treated me with respect that matched that. It felt gOod. I was proud of our home and family and of my position in it. And it seems like now one dress and some lipstick have erased all of that. I hate it so much. I am the same person I always was. The same one who worked all day, worked a night job drove home with out sleep and spent six hours fixing a busted pipe before getting rest. The same person that helped my niece put Christmas decorations on her crutches so she wouldn't feel so bad about having to use crutches at the holiday dance. The same person who took care of our family pet that passed bc everyone else was tI distraught to bare it. It's so sad to me. And it makes me angry. And fOr what. Bc I like to look pretty sometimes. It's not right. And I feel so ashamed that I didn't stand my ground bc I'm afraid he would have me leave the house we've made a home in. Well. Thanks in advance fOr letting me complain.

[Sara Jessica]

You start off with comments about transition and later talk about it being simply something you do. Which one is it? It doesn't cut both ways if you are being honest with yourself.

That said, you allowed yourself to be caught which eliminated any chance to control the message. The fallout stinks but you are in his house, hard to imagine him changing course without intervention from your wife. Good luck, it is a tough situation.

[Debra Russell]

It happened ...the bell can't be unrung best wishes and pray for understanding - just keep being the same person you have always been, or maybe you were just practicing for Halloween - is it too late for some kind of explanation? time marches on and things may settle down.............................Debra

[Pat]

The sting of rejection is hard. You have two choices, really -- win him back or write him off. Neither one is going to be easy. If your wife backs you in this, then you stand a much better chance. If you can bring this out to the other people in your household and get their support that also would help. If you were thinking you might want to transition, this is just the tip of it. If you transitioned you would be out to every person you meet. Some will reject you.

[Kayliedaskope]

First of all, let me say that I am truly sorry about the way you were and are still being treated by him, considering everything you have done for the family over and beyond what others would do. You are clearly not "mooching" off him or his family, and are doing your best to help as much as possible.

That being said, technically you were living under his roof, and as such broke "his" rules about how you should act, even if you didn't know them at the time. (This is not forgiving his treatment of you, by the way, just an observation.). Dressing in someone else's home, especially if they are not in on the secret, is always risky.

Time to have "The Talk" with him. Tell him how you feel, and how hurt you were. Ask him if this is so terrible that he can no longer stand being around you anymore, and if it is, you will leave. Don't make that an empty threat, either - get moving boxes, start leaving U-Haul truck rental flyers and housing brochures around, look into storage facilities ... things to back it up. If he asks, you can say that since I can't be accepted here, then I can't stay here. Your truck broke down? Faucets and the roof leaking? Sorry, I might mess up my nails or my pretty dress - guess you have to take care of that ...

I know, I'm being mean here ... but sometimes turning the other rouged cheek gets you nothing but it being slapped, too.

[Lydianne]

I do not know about transitioning, at all.

However, I would have thought that if you have decided to transition, then the situation with your father-in-law and his approach would have happened, anyway. I think the only difference is that the timing is now out of your control. His reaction might not have been too much different if you did control the timing . . it would have just been later. If you do believe his reaction would have been different in a more controlled revelation, then he'll come around eventually. Time will tell. Therefore, I don't think you should feel that something here has been lost.

People that have either been through or have helped with transitioning could probably advise you on best what you should do now.

I hope for the best for you and that everything works out.

[ashleymasters]

Sara Jessica.

You're absolutely right. There is a distinct difference between being trans and being a cd. I have not fully decided to transition or even when it would take place. So rather I'm trans or not I am currently functioning as a cd. I am primarily living a male life and use dressing as an outlet.

And I agree with the rest of you about two things.
1 his house his rules. Certainly if he says he doesn't want something in his home that's his right. For me it really came down to even after agreeing that I wouldnt that now he's acting like I'm somehow discredited. For a long time before considering transition I identified as a man who crossdresses. And I reject the idea that dressing takes away from one being a man. I also kind of bundled those feelings with not only his reaction but how our society as a whole stigmatizes male CDs. He's seen me regularly dress like a pirate or wear a super hero costume in daily activities which I view as equally unusual but the fact that it's women's clothing means it's different seems absurd to me. And I don't like that I apologized like I had done something wrong. I apologized and meant when I said that I had no intention of making him Uncomfortable but the way it came out I made myself complicit with his rebuke of that kind of behavior in general. I felt like I should have agreed to not do it in his home but also confront him that when I move on it will be a part of my life and there's nothing wrong with that.

2. Yes if I transition I'm going to have to face this with everyone in my life. But this gives me a preview of what to expect from him when that time comes. And it's sad that I can see I'll lose him as a friend.


You start off with comments about transition and later talk about it being simply something you do. Which one is it? It doesn't cut both ways if you are being honest with yourself.

That said, you allowed yourself to be caught which eliminated any chance to control the message. The fallout stinks but you are in his house, hard to imagine him changing course without intervention from your wife. Good luck, it is a tough situation.

[docrobbysherry]

If I were u, Ashley? I would copy your post and give it to your dad in law. And, add: "When you're ready, my wife and I would like to discuss this with u in private."

[Kayliedaskope]

:iagree:
This. Definitely this.

[Jenny22]

Kaylie makes a good point, but ..... Since you were observed during the day, I gather you are not employed, and that your wife is. You need income to move. Got any coming in? Since your wife is supportive, the best bet would be for her to have a heart to heart talk with her parents. You are the dame guy they knew before the incident. They should come to understand that. eventually. But, what do I know!

[Kayliedaskope]

She stated earlier she works full time, and before this job was pulling sixteen-hour days at two jobs.

Still, as you said, the same person is still there, now just in different clothes.

[Jaylyn]

You surprised him and that isn't good for father-in-laws, especially those still and are always protective of their daughters. I think you need to apologize to him after all no matter it is still his house. Your plan should be to talk to him with his daughter present, she can be the buffer maybe. I hope everything works out for you.

[Tracii G]

Good luck with all this and your wife has just been forced into dealing with her Dad's heart and your heart. Which to break is the choice she has now.
Your dressing caused that so don't try and throw a pity party over all of it because its on your shoulders.
Its his house and what you have done as far as keeping it up won't hold in a court of law so to try and use that against him is wrong on your part.
I really hate to have to put it that way but its the truth.

[jennifer0918]

Ok so how are you going to do it when you transition and living in his house? If he can't accept you looking pretty "sometimes " how would accept your transition? This is a tough one,I would confront him strong,tell him this is you and if he can't accept you well,ol well. If tells you gotta go,well move out and be happy. What about the 5 kids you play the dad role to?how will you do it when you transition?

[Tracii G]

Jennifer I don't think the transition aspect was given a lot of thought.

[ashleymasters]

Jenny,

I do in fact have a job. And our income is fine. We live together because two years ago. My father in law in the midst of a divorce faced losing the house. And my Neely divorced sister in law needed help with her kids. We moved to the area for me to look for work. As I described in my original post I have worked very hard to see to it that my family's needs are met. We still live here bc we are happy this way. I was only home bc I had an early meeting near my house and I finished the day working from home. Perhaps you shouldn't make assumptions.
Kaylie makes a good point, but ..... Since you were observed during the day, I gather you are not employed, and that your wife is. You need income to move. Got any coming in? Since your wife is supportive, the best bet would be for her to have a heart to heart talk with her parents. You are the dame guy they knew before the incident. They should come to understand that. eventually. But, what do I know!

- - - Updated - - -

Jennifer. That's what I mean. I don't have a definite plan yet. Of course it would involve me moving out but that is in the distant future

- - - Updated - - -

Tracii. I don't see how you're coming off this way. I haven't once said that I wouldn't follow his rules. I quickly accepted the terms to not dressing again. The only reason I mentioned everything I've done is bc I don't see how he can think so highly of me and this one detail changes all of that. Even if I move out tOmorrow I think I'm entitled to grieve the loss of a friendship over something that shouldn't matter. And I hardly think it qualifies as a pity party

[jennifer0918]

Ok Ashley my situation, my wife does not know about my femme side,iam in the closet, I have a little one at home who tells mom everything, my oldest goes to high school and a great uncle
lives with us that my wife takes care of (her uncle) I dress seasonally, and when I do I dress at a motel go out to a social or the mall just some me time. When and if my wife finds out I will be calm,I will educate her on the subject and answer all her questions but I will not let her insult me or embarrass me period. If I need to move out ,I will,if she will stop me from seeing my children then I will not see them,you have to be firm .

[Tracii G]

Well it did come off as a pity party to me because it had all the earmarks of a pity party post.
He had his image of you shattered and its quite common for a person it that situation to lose all respect and not want to have anything to do with you.
I have had that happen many times so I speak from experience.
I'm not being mean just to be a dick its something you need to hear even if you don't like it.
None of this would have happened if it weren't for you being dressed in his house you can't deny that.

[Micki_Finn]

It's his house. He gets to make the rules. It doesn't matter one iota what you think you're "owed" for your contribution. Maybe focus on finding your own place before you start the relatively expensive transition process.

[Teresa]

Ashley,
I can't see it resolving itself unless you can find somewhere else to live, it sounds like you are being manipulated by your wife and family.

Kaylie,
Your comment about breaking house rules is the reason I suggested moving out, to keep a house in order abides by the rules to do the same thing dressed breaks all the rules to the point where the clothes maybe thrown away and Ashley forced out . The wife is the problem because Ashley doesn't know who she will support. That point needs confirming first before her father is sat down and told the facts , if he won't do that then obviously Ashley is no longer welcome .

[Stephanie47]

The only thing I can suggest is your wife intercede on your behalf. I'm sure he thought his daughter would not be supportive on cross dressing. It may be a double shock to him to find out your wife knows of your desire to wear women's clothing. Frankly, with some people all it takes is just one thing to make them do a 180 degree turnaround. You will never be able to erase the mental image from his mind. At best you can hope for tolerance.

It may come down to your wife having to make the decision as to whether you and her and your family suck it up and play by his rules or move and play by the rules you and your wife agree upon. You're married to your wife and not your father-in-law.

[Nikki A.]

It is a tough situation you're in no matter how you slice it. I understand that it is the father's house, so you do need to follow his wishes. However, for some of us it is not a hobby but a need to be able to express ourselves.
You and your wife need to sit and discuss what is important to you and her and present a unified front. If it means moving, so be it. I'm not condemning or supporting either one. After all if you decide to offer to move out, then the FIL will need to decide if it is enough of an issue to break up what seems to be at presently a win win for all.

[karenph]

It's so sad to me. And it makes me angry. And fOr what. Bc I like to look pretty sometimes. It's not right. And I feel so ashamed that I didn't stand my ground bc I'm afraid he would have me leave the house we've made a home in. Well. Thanks in advance fOr letting me complain.

Ashley -- I think you summarize how many of us feel about the world we live in. Just because we dress does not mean we are a different person. However, your father in-law does not know that, seeing you dressed was a jolt to his psyche. Now enters all of the stereotypes, assumptions, misinformation, etc. He now believes you are a different person than the "guy" he knew. His rejection can be due to being homophobic, it can also be due to hurt- reading between the lines it seems you may of had a close father/son type of relationship. If he is the type that is "set in his ways" there is very little chance for recovery. If you stay in his house you will have to continue to be who you are and demonstrate you are the same person he has always known (with dressing in secret, off property). This is a tough row to hoe -- it kind of reminds me of the Clint Eastwood character in Gran Torino who hated Asian people until he got to know them. That was the movies not sure how often that happens in real life. If he has an open mind than there is hope that he can be/willing to be educated and realize you are the "guy" that he knew. The question for you and your wife, whose reaction you have not shared, is what do the both of you have to do for the both of you to be happy?

Thanks for feeling comfortable to vent your frustration with us here on the forum and sharing your pain. Wishing you nothing but the best. Karen

[Stephanie Nicole]

Ashley, out of curiosity how old is your father in law? The reason I ask is that my own father is 70 years old and would no way accept me dressing. It is the way that generation was raised and lived, they have very firm lines of what defines a man and a women and if anything or anyone blurs those lines then they cannot accept it. I know my father loves me (as I'm sure your father in law does have some type feelings for you because of the way he treated you in the past, he may even look at you as a true son) and if my father did ever find out I don't think he would stop loving me but would start to think something was wrong in the way he raised me and thus something was wrong with him for having a son that dresses, just maybe this is how your Father in Law feels and his current treatment of you is just his way of dealing with those feelings. I do think that you and your wife need to sit down with him and talk to him to find out exactly how he feels and how him and you can deal with those feelings and move forward to try and rebuild your relationship.

[Krisi]

Once again, someone is outed doing something they shouldn't have been doing.

Just because nobody is home doesn't mean nobody will come home. It's not your house, you have no control over who comes and goes. Now you have a situation and you're going to have to deal with that situation.

Lots of luck.

I hope this serves as a warning to others to think about what you're doing and the possibility of it going wrong.

[Tracii G]

Krisi a systemic problem that exists everywhere today nobody wants to take responsibility for their actions.
When something happens due to there actions they want to pitch the blame on the other person and play the victim card.

[Glenda]

Sorry that you are having to deal with this issue. It sounds like you truly enjoy your place in the family so I would encourage you to continue to be the caring, concerned and helpful member of the family that you have been. I think I would try to maintain the same type of relationship you had with your father-in-law as you did before he discovered you dressed. If or when he wants to discuss it with you is up to him. If you are really serious enough to consider transitioning at some point in the future, then you will need to have the inner strength to confront whatever comes your way. I'm not saying that I would mention transitioning when talking to him but I would hope that I wouldn't be apologetic or defensive when discussing what he saw. I hope that I would own it and be willing to justify my actions while still portraying my many strong values.

[Jessica S]

I have to agree with Tracii G on this one. You knew when you dressed that there was a chance of getting caught. You did. Now it is time to pay the piper.

I know if my Farther in-law(FIL) caught me he would probably do the same as yours. He see me as the guy that goes out hunting building/tearing down things, sports fan etc. and I don't take much gruff from rude people. So his metal image would be shatter. With that being said and to use another old saying. "Its not what you did for them yesterday its what you did today they remember." In his mind all he sees is you in a dress. Not the guy that did all the stuff you said. It sucks but that's how the world works. And if he has a preconceived notion of a CD/TG person as there is something wrong with them then you have a tuff battle ahead.

Sorry for your loss in friendship with the FIL, but no fault but your own. But with time and help from your wife, he may come around. But don't set your expectations high and then be disappointed when they all are not met.

Jessica

[Krisi]

Krisi a systemic problem that exists everywhere today nobody wants to take responsibility for their actions.
When something happens due to there actions they want to pitch the blame on the other person and play the victim card.

That is so true. Not just crossdressing related but in all of life. It's high time for this to stop and for people to take responsibility for what they do in life.

[ashleymasters]

I've played over in my head the actions of that day and certainly agree that I did run the risk of being discovered and I lost. I don't have an issue with saying that. Walking In on me was a shock and it's my fault that's how It came about. I can take some awkwardness. I can even take him being upset. But if I confided in him and told him about my dressing rather than him walking in on me I think it's fair for me to be disappointed that he would turn away from me. On top of not even speaking to me he's been undermining me. Decisions we've all agreed on and things we had planned are being called of out of spite. He's told my wife to have me not speak to him and if he makes changes I don't like I should go. I haven't blamed him for what happened. My issue has been the idea of condemning a whole person for one aspect of them. And maybe it helps to clarify it is his house. I have always treated it that way. He did ask me to move in. And a year later once we were all in a better situation he asked us to stay. He told us to make it our home. His name is on the deed and that comes with an automatic amount of respect but with his own words
He's told us that bc of our help he was able to keep the house and that we should share in it. (We all made a difference of about $70k for him and according to him that was worth a third of the house) a week ago I had the atonomy in that home to make changes. Come and go or do as I pleased. I didn't assume that freedom, I earned it. He gave me that and he told me it was because of my deeds. If that changes bc of my appearance then I don't think that offer was genuine. I see now that his offer and commitment to came wiTh an unspoken clause that it only applies if I'm what he considers normal. And it's not shirking responsibility or blaming anyone else to say I think it's unfair. If he doesn't want to be friends anymore I suppose it's his right to choose who he's close to but I don't appreciate that affecting him doing what's fair and right by those who have contributed so much. Regardless. Of how I feel or what I say the important thing is i have chosen to follow the rules as they are defined now. Sure I've vented here (which I thought was one of the main reasons for this forum) but I don't understand your contsistent insistance to be snarky and make it sound like I'm being unreasonable traci. I do take responsibility for my actions. I believe each person is a castle and the things they do with their time, effort and talents builds that castle. I've made myself responsible to build my castle. I have worked for and earned every square inch of my life. And I expect to get what I earn in return. My point is painting the castle pink doesn't change anything. You say I want to blame others. No. I am responsible for the state of my castle and yes I made a mistake that led to an unfortunate circumstance that is naturally goIng to incur awkwardness. But that doesn't entitle him or anyone else to tear my castle down. If he saw me and then called me a fag and shot me would it still be my fault I got shot? No. I have to own and accept that there is a bump in the road to get over but whatever happens he is equally responsible for his response to the situation as I am for causing it.

[Kayliedaskope]

Just me, but sounds like unless you talk to him and get his head straightened around what you are doing, then sadly the best option for you and your wife at this point is to move out to a place of your own. Your wife needs to tell him how you feel about this, that yes, you really still are the same person you have always been underneath the makeup. If he's actively undermining anything that you have any say in or part of, then it doesn't sound like things are going to improve without that talk.

I am terribly sorry to hear how this is playing out, hon. I hope the situation improves soon.

[Micki_Finn]

Ashley, you're obviously stuck on this idea that you're "owed" but legally you don't have a leg to stand on. It's his house, his name is on the deed. If your financial contribution was so important, you should have had your name put on the paperwork. You expecting him to change his moral beliefs and convictions is just as redicous as him expecting you to stop
CDing and get rid of your stuff. EVERYone has a right to their opinion (even if it's ignorant or wrong).

[karenph]

Wow..I thought this forum was about support. Ashley is expressing frustration about her current situation. She has owned up to her role in creating the situation and all she is asking for is a bit of empathy. Not an endorsement for what she has or hasn't done or even agreement on particulars that she as alluded too. The fact is we do not have all of the facts in this situation, but we can provide support.

Ashley, hang in there. I hope your situation improves soon.

[Jessica S]

Support isn't always saying something positive. Its saying something that is constructive and may help. And sometimes truth hurts.

If Ashley puts the shoe on the other foot and walked in on his FIL doing something he feels morally wrong (obliviously not say CDing is morally wrong, but his FIL may). I would think Ashley opinion would change also. Maybe not act the same but change none the less. Ashley FIL is also going through a loss also. He loss his son in-law he probably thought was a great guy/husband/father/uncle and now he's a she. And now the image is tarnished to him. He may have trouble dealing with that. He may come to terms with that but it may be to much for him. It would help with a little education to what was going on. And that probably should come from Ashley and his wife.

[Bobbi46]

Ashley, Teresa is right in what she says. your proverbially messed on your own doorstep and now must deal with the fall out. Do you not think that your FIL, apart from anything else he may think of you, might feel betrayed in that you had a deep secret that at some point should have come out before you were "caught" in the way you did not want to be caught in.
yes you now have a problem a big one at that. How you can go forward on this I do not know but what I do think is that you have messed up big time and that there might not be a way out. But unless you can resolve the situation with your wife and her father you will have to find another roof to live under.

[Tracii G]

Seems you say you take responsibility but there is that pesky little entitlement thing there that you feel you are owed something that you can't let go of.Stop shifting the blame on to him he didn't cause this situation He isn't responsible for anything.
This statement is a prime example of the entitlement mentality.
It doesn't matter what you have done around the house to keep it up or how much time and money you have invested its legally not your property and to think you have some claim to a portion you are being foolish.
Its the same attitude as the employee that is supposed to be ready to work at 7 am and they show up an hour late everyday and think its OK because they showed up.
Or the employee that shows up on time but doesn't do anything and thinks he should get paid just for showing up.
You are 30 you should have your own place anyway.

[Kayliedaskope]

Bobbie, I hear what you're saying, but when is it ever a good time to say to someone, "hi, I'm Joe, and I like to wear dresses and makeup on occasion"? Coming out is a very difficult thing, as many on here will attest to.

Ashley already admitted she screwed up, and for now has put her girly things away, but without the FIL having some understanding of all this, the situation is not going to get any better. You can lead a horse to water ...

[marshalynn]

Ashley, I think you need to tell every one in the home you are starting to look for another home to move into. Your father in law never even talked to you about what or why you were dressed, as I see it. His house, his way no matter what you have done for him, family or work on house. Future will always be the same with him under these living conditions. As I understand your story, he cannot keep his house with out your help. It does not matter what your father in law thinks about you, but to put your family under this stress with out even discussing it, is crazy. You can not take care of your family under these conditions not knowing about a home for them. Move or get this house legally under your control also. That is only way I would stay there. If thing work out between the two of you great, but don't hold your breath. Marshalynn

[Tracii G]

Marsha are you suggesting he screw his FIL out of his house?
Take the last thing an older man has in this world ?
Man that is a dirty thing to do and beyond wrong.

[Teresa]

Ashley,
Maybe this has a silver lining, finding out your father in law is a bigot as far as the LGBTG community is concerned . It wasn't an intentional act but maybe a thoughtless one, but it has revealed your true colours and his, again the problem is where does your wife stand in this situation ? I would say your father in law is going to be the loser in this situation . He needs your input with his home, so he will have to learn to live and let live if he wishes to retain his home .

[Tracii G]

Teresa is right.
I would talk to him in private and face him as a man and show not guilt for dressing but apologize for you actions ten explain what it all means.
If he will listen and I hope he does that should set the record straight.
Explain you are more than willing to help because he needs it but he needs to understand if you go he is on his own and you are moving on with his Daughter.

[Kayliedaskope]

Marsha, getting Ashley's name on the deed at this point would be difficult at best, and nigh impossible at worst. Finding somewhere else would be the safer and saner option.

No matter what happens, the fallout is going to affect everyone in the household. The best thing to do is have The Talk, and see if it helps improve the situation. If there's no getting over it for the FIL, then the choices come down to stay and be miserable, or leave and let the chips fall where they may.

[Ariana225]

If you are relying on someone else to keep your house then you could also make "moral" sacrifices to appease them. Talking to him about his options seems the right way to go about it. Either let Ashley be there on a DADT or Ashley leaves and what happens, happens.

It's not ok to hold someone hostage, even family. the crossdressing doesn't hurt a single thing but the FILs opinion. If he doesn't want it in his house at all then he could kick them out and find his own way of survival. Or be a decent human being and accept that we are all different and have different tastes.

[sometimes_miss]

I just feel that bc he doesn't like something I do every other thing about me is forgotten.
^this is, unfortunately, what we have to understand and accept. We are primarily identified by our being crossdressers. Once we're out there, that is the first thing people will think of when they see us. Much like the rest of the world thinks 'man' or 'woman' when they see others. The crossdressing thing is nearly always very, very polarizing. Either people accept it, or adamantly reject even the thought of it. We saw that after Jenner came out; there were huge numbers of people that got very upset that she was even in the news; they didn't want anything about her mentioned in the newspapers because it upset them so much.
And so it is with crossdressers. A lot of people hate the fact that we even exist, quite a few to the point that they want to kill us. All because they can't even stand the possibility that there might be a little femininity in themselves. What a messed up world of nutcases we have to live with.

[ellbee]

"The crossdressing thing is nearly always very, very polarizing. Either people accept it, or adamantly reject even the thought of it."


I don't really see that.


Yes, there are extremes at either end (really hate it, or totally dig it & support it) -- both of which can be pretty vocal.


But the same time, it seems there's a pretty large swath of people somewhere in the middle, who are simply like, "Eh, whatever... Maybe a little odd/interesting/gay/etc., and not exactly my cup of tea... But as long as you don't get up all in my face about it, I really don't care either way." And then simply go about their business.



Anyway, OP: As corny as it sounds, and as I much as I hate to say it, things happen for a reason.

Because you know what? It's true!

Try to use it as a positive experience to grow. :thumbsup:

[marshalynn]

Tracii I suggested he get his name also on as owner (co owners), not sole owner. Ashely has already put a lot of money in home This way he has some control and responsibility of house. I would not talk to him alone, only with wife present, so she knows exactly what is going on, her life and family very much in trouble now. Marshalynn

[Krisi]

Wow..I thought this forum was about support..................... .

Support isn't saying "Oh, you poor baby. You are being treated so unfairly." Support is telling it like it is. Bringing reality into the picture.

She has made some mistakes. She needs to understand that. She needs to understand that what she has done cannot be undone. And she needs to understand that she may have no choice but to move out to her (and her wife's) own place.

Her father thinks crossdressing is wrong. He has a right to believe that and there is nothing wrong with him because he believes that. She has to deal with him for the rest of his life, like it or not.

[marshalynn]

Krisi and Tracii -- thank you for your usual snide remarks. Marshalynn

[Gerrijerry]

I am missing something. Why don't you just leave the house. Since you do not own it. Don't do favors by fixing the house. You have the right to wear what you want. When not welcome I leave. Who needs the aggravation, so little time to be happy.

[5150 Girl]

My FIL's policy is sort of like, "I don't understand it, but if that's the worst thing you do, then ok"

[Crystal 42]

Hi Ashley,

It's never easy being discovered, even worse when you can't control how other people find out. I learnt that the hard way and lost a whole bunch of friends which caused me to retreat further into my shell, purge and even contemplate ending everything so I really do feel for you. :hugs: Over time I accepted it wasn't my fault, it was simply just the failings of some people being very close-minded. I've read a few arguments that state you should respect your father in laws rules but I don't see an example of his so-called manual of what is approved and what is not approved. Is it posted somewhere for you to see, perhaps on the fridge door? Personally I don't think it's your fault since he clearly can't wrap his head around the reality of the situation and quite of few of us will know that we can't always control our need to dress up. Your wife clearly doesn't have a problem with it and supports you.

I think there would be a more valid argument for your FIL if you'd been doing something inappropriate (unless someone is trying to say gender expression is inappropriate) but you weren't and you're right it changes nothing about you as a person but some folks sadly don't see that, they just make stupid assumptions and start to play the moral judgement card as an excuse for their lack of understanding. You could certainly try a letter or a face to face talk but I get the feeling from some of the things you've said it might be pointless. I personally would just move out because I don't like being around bigots but it's harder for you because you have to consider whether your wife is okay with being distanced from her father. I hope you work something out, but having to stop being who you identify as just to suit someone else's delicate sensibilities totally stinks and don't for one minute let him touch your clothes and throw them in the garbage, you have rights hon and that's your stuff. Stay strong!

Crystal x

[Jenny22]

Ashley, perhaps I should get more facts before making assumptions. Sorry. I wish I could be there to enjoy some soft shell blue crabs with you. Oh, oh. I just assumed you like them. LOL

- - - Updated - - -

Ashley, in your original post you stated,"My wife has gotten on board with ashley from going in public to the bedroom even. I've had lots of time to dress and even company when doing so which has been terrific."
I presume "even company" relates to your wife's full support, and that in all Ashley factors, she's 100% supportive and with you all the way. That said, permit me some thoughts, questions and suggestions ...

How strong is the relationship between your wife and and her father?

Is it a loving one on his part?

How well versed / 'educated' is she on the factors that cause men to crossdress?

If all of the above is positive, Permit the following suggestions for your consideration:

With your possible help. have her write a loving letter to her dad, asking him to read it to the end, explaining the 'Ws" of her love for you, that you are the same guy he knew before the incident, that Ashley is a force in his life that he can't explain, etc., etc..

Then in closing, two things .. You can all meet to discuss openly and truthfully, laying all of the cards on the table, and if Dad wishes, a knowlegable therapist could participate to help clarify things.

At this time. I'd suggest not indicating moving out as an option.

Just offering food for thought.

[Tracii G]

marshalynn they are not snide comments but the truth.
If you wish to coddle and burp adult men with marital problems due to CDing go ahead but please don't judge Kirsi and I for being honest.
The truth hurts sometimes and OMG don't I know that but when it was given to me I needed to hear it, and now I appreciate the fact that person told me the truth and didn't blow fairy dust up my skirt.

[Krisi]

Krisi and Tracii -- thank you for your usual snide remarks. Marshalynn

Let's look at "support". Your good friend is an alcoholic and comes to you for support. Do you tell him "The world is being unfair to you." and take him to a bar and buy him a drink or do you tell him he needs serious help and take him to AA?

Which is supporting?

[marshalynn]

Just because people have opinions, that does not make them correct, honest or true, they are opinions, just the thoughts of one person. There is not one person on this site that hasn't made a bad choice about dressing at some time in their life. Ashley, I think is looking for a little under standing about the situation and may be some constructive thoughts, not ridicule. I hope that is what I gave you Ashley. Marshalynn

[Bobbi46]

Ashley if you want to rescue this situation at all. One thing I would ask is this, does your wife understand fully why you dress? and that also it is (and has been medically proved) part of our make up, inner self or whatever way you would describe it.
But if your wife does know the whys and the wherefores of dressing and supports you in this. Then surely you must have a united front in setting up an open and frank discussion with you FIL, it is obvious from what I read that he does not have a clue as to what makes us tick in this way.
If this discussion could take place and you were to explain fully and openly the ins and outs of yourself and ofdressing, if he is a reasonable man then surely he should understand and take on board what is being said and from there just maybe you can move forward as whole family unit instead of perhaps a broken one by what has happened.

[rian]

my dear sis
why don't you ask your father in law to have a private talk together and explain everything you told us now in the thread and tell him it is a hobby you love ...like basketball or any other hobby and it release stress ......i think he will understand