Update on Marriage

[Nicole11]

I just wanted to give an update on my situation. As you know, my wife is very conservative. She was not expecting to have a crossdressing husband.

I have been underdressing for several months now, but have loved wearing panties for many years. Last month she found my collection of panties and bras. She thought I was cheating, but realized I wasn't when I explained everything to her. I was really worried about the situation. But somehow she dealt with it better than expected. I told her I have feminine side that needs to be expressed. Not easy to tell her I want to wear panties.

Unexpectedly, she saw my painted nails yesterday and felt my bra on. She said it was wierd, but did not have a severe reaction like I expected. I said I am not perfect and she said she does not want our son to get mixed messages. I understand her point. I feel like I broke through a glass ceiling with her. She is willing to accept my crossdressing. This is huge! I am going to take it slow. I love her and she is a great woman and I'm hoping we can get to a point where I can dress up and she is accepting.

Thank you for listening,

[Rachael Leigh]

My advice don't lie to her and don't bust any of mutual boundaries.
A voice of experience here. I wish you well

[Sara Jessica]

Sorry Nicole, I don't find your posts to be swimming in veracity. You posted a significant issue and after 3+ pages of responses, you remained utterly silent.

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?251433-My-wife-discovered-my-panties-and-bras-and-lost-it!!!

People here actually give a hoot and try to help those who are real and honest.

[Nicole11]

Hi Sara. I am being real and honest!!!!

This is my life and I want to relate to other crossdressers and connect. I sorry you don't feel that way.....

I am just happy that I can crossdress and connect with my wife.

[Krea]

Hi Nicole,
It's great that you have made further progress with your wife. Like you said, it's very important not to rush her with everything. Hope things continue to go well for you. :)

[Sage Rose]

Hi Nicole,

First off, shout out to a fellow New Yorker! Secondly, I am happy to hear that your wife didn't totally freak out when she experienced a bit of cour crossdressing. My wife is also very conservative; I mean we both generally are with one of two execptions ;-) It was extremely unnerving for me to come out to her. I definitely thought from time to time that she may leave me if she found out I was crossdressing. We also have both decided that when we have kids, that isn't something they need to be a part of until they are grown. My advice, absolutely continue to take it slow with her, don't lie about things, and try to incorporate her into your CDing however she is comfortable...but don't push or insist she do or accept things she isn't comfortable with.

We are here on this journey with you!

<3 Sage <3

[Jeri Ann]

I just wanted to give an update on my situation. As you know, my wife is very conservative. She was not expecting to have a crossdressing husband.

I have been underdressing for several months now, but have loved wearing panties for many years. Last month she found my collection of panties and bras. She thought I was cheating, but realized I wasn't when I explained everything to her. I was really worried about the situation. But somehow she dealt with it better than expected. I told her I have feminine side that needs to be expressed. Not easy to tell her I want to wear panties.

Unexpectedly, she saw my painted nails yesterday and felt my bra on. She said it was wierd, but did not have a severe reaction like I expected. I said I am not perfect and she said she does not want our son to get mixed messages. I understand her point. I feel like I broke through a glass ceiling with her. She is willing to accept my crossdressing. This is huge! I am going to take it slow. I love her and she is a great woman and I'm hoping we can get to a point where I can dress up and she is accepting.

Thank you for listening,

How can seeing painted nails be unexpected? And you expected a reaction? Considering how conservative she is? This is a recipe for disaster.

[rian]

dear Nicole
i have passed with the same situation as you ,,,my wife is even more conservative ,,she accepted my crossdressing but forbid me to expose any to our children and to the outside ,, I accept that because all what I want is her approval ,,,,now she even buy some things to me ,,and I buy for both sometimes ...now a days she borrow some from me ,,our sizes are almost the same .....do not worry about her ,,,she will still love you the same ...but try not to expose your identity or else you will lose her .....take care my sis

[Jenny22]

Nicole, your postings don't ring true to me. Sorry.

[alwayshave]

Nicole, I'm glad that your wife is accepting, it makes life a lot easier.

[kimdl93]

I don't want to call anyone out for being deceptive. but at the same time, some things do strain credulity. Under dressing for "several months" isn't likely to fill a drawer with undies and bras. And frankly it would only take one evening in a bra for it to be "noticed". Besides, if my wife had found a hidden stash of bras and panties, her first thought wouldn't have been a girlfriend. Seriously, how many gf are going to keep their undies at your house?

Here's my thought. We all have a tendency to shape our reality, particularly when we write about, and especially when we want to catch other's attention with the content of what we write. And our memories and judgements are maleable. Its very easy to incorporate what we wish into our preceptions of what is. The key skill is to be able to discern between the two.

[Jeri Ann]

Well put Kim.
Some people come here to be themselves.
Some people come here to pretend to be what they are not.

[kimdl93]

I do understand. We all run the risk of fictionalizing our own reality. Its really hard to stay grounded in a virtual reality world!

[Tracy Irving]

I just wanted to give an update on my situation. As you know, my wife is very conservative. She was not expecting to have a crossdressing husband.

Liberal women don't expect their husbands to be crossdressers either. You didn't tell her in advance. The politics of your wife has nothing to do with whether or not she gets married to a crossdresser.

Taking it slow should help her to keep accepting your crossdressing.

[Sara Jessica]

I do understand. We all run the risk of fictionalizing our own reality. Its really hard to stay grounded in a virtual reality world!

Great points Kim. It comes down to being honest with one's own narrative. This not only affects how we present ourselves to others in pages such as these, it also makes a difference with how succeptable one might be to playing off of a false narrative in a direction which can be detrimental on so many levels (including how our comments might affect others). As you said, remaining grounded...hard to do that when your footing is any degree of fiction.

[kimdl93]

Its so true Sara. And, I will acknowledge that I am, or at least was, susceptible to allowing my wished for relationship to muddle itself with the real relationship..with really catastrophic consequences

[Aunt Kelly]

Well put Kim.
Some people come here to be themselves.
Some people come here to pretend to be what they are not.

I thought I came here to be a gender-fluid cross-dresser, you know, someone who pretends to be a woman. Did I get the part I'm supposed to pretend about wrong? If I'm not that, what am I? I am so confused! :rofl:

[kimdl93]

I get it Kelly.... we are all "pretending" in some respect, relative to our genetic composition. At issue is the veracity of the OP. As a very long time CDr and part of two marriages, encompassing 35 years, it just doesn't make sense.

[Jeri Ann]

Thanks Kim for having my back.

Kelly you need to watch yours. Remember, we will all be together in a few days.

[kimdl93]

Everyone's backs will be fine. :).

Now and then a post just has a kind of hollow sound. I'm empathetic to the folks who create a story...or embellish...just to have something to share. Perhaps all fiction derives from a need to have something to share.

[Nicole11]

I don't get your posts Kim. Are you saying I am making up my story and embellishing it? I'm not..... I'm not pretending to be anyone or a crossdresser...I'm not pretending to buy panties or bras. I'm not pretending to wear dresses to get a reaction out of you. My story is true and I'm just looking for some support. Kim, I am sorry my story does not fit in a nice little box with how a crossdresser should dress and act.

Thank you everyone else that has been nice and supportive of my journey in discovering my feminine side and crossdressing. I'm hoping I can be more honest with my wife in the near future and she continues to be supportive.

[Jenny22]

Nicole, your pieces of your puzzle just didn't fit. That's why some doubted what you were saying. Yes, I was one of them. Go back and examine your posts, and you may see why.
Now, every sister on this fabulous forum is ready to listen and help you in any way they can. Being up-front is the key.

[Nicole11]

What pieces don't fit together, jenny22? That I am underdressing daily and wear panties and bras, that I paint my toe nails, and that I'm married and my wife does not know the full extent of my crossdressing???

[Tracii G]

Politics have nothing to do with any of this I wish people would quit with the stereotyping conservative people.
I happen to be one so I feel the hate all the time from people here.
Anyway don't count your chickens just yet because feeling a bra and saying it felt weird is not acceptance or a green light to dress in womens clothes all the time.
I think you are reading way too much into her reaction presently.Her opinion may change tomorrow you just don't know women very well it appears.
You are not the only one that has made posts like this only to go all out dressing and doing nothing but talk CDing and all things girly so you need to understand she doesn't want to hear that from you because you are the man.
This is not an attack on you I am just trying to make you aware that you need to think things thru.
You are already getting defensive Nicole you should listen.

[Jenny22]

Nicole, just reread your posts. Look for inconsistencies in what you wrote. Analyze them as some of us have done, and see if you can see why.Its not up to me nor anyone else to explain everything to you.

[jennifer0918]

Total eclipse of the heart

[Steph65]

Maybe thats the problem over analyzing? there are some things sounds not quite up to par. But you know what it is your life and how you want to live your life. The wonderful women on here have been thru more than what they say at times. Some know whats what and some are here to try and figure out why they love wearing womens clothes. I do not over analyze if something does not seem right I ask myself questions and then if all seem fair I will say or give MHO other than that. Do what you please. If your not on the up and up with yourself at least be it here. We all have stresses we are going thru and something like this comes up people question..... If I were you I would take some of the good advice here and do what you need to do.

[Dana44]

That is fantastic Nicole. Yes do take it slow and listen to her, she might be very helpful in the future.

[Nicole11]

Thank you for encouragment, Dana.

I am trying to do the best I can with being honest with myself and my wife. I did experience a pink fog for a time, but my crossdressing is starting to settle down (I'm trying to shop less).

[suchacutie]

Hi Nicole. Let me see if I can straighten some of this out. One way of summarizing a lot of the comments might be, "your wife should never be surprised when it comes to your feminine side". If she feels your bra strap, it should not be a surprise, but only a confirmation of what you and she agreed that you would do at that moment. Painted nails the same way. She should not be unaware that you were going to paint them, but should only be critiquing your job. She needs to be involved at every moment, unless she has areas in which you are free to roam.

My wife never tells me what to wear, but she will let me know when I've done something ridiculous in a fashion sense. Your feminine self can bring a lot to your marriage, but not if you hide it from the marriage. Let her be you guide and confident. It will pay huge dividends!

Best of Luck!

[Nicole11]

Thank you suchacutie. I appreciate your nice advice. But me and my wife do not fit in such a nice cute marriage box that you describe. She is not happy when I wear panties or paint my nails. It is going to take time. I hope we can come to terms with this soon. I wish we I could have a nice honest marriage like yours now, but it's not possible for now and it's going to take time....

[kimdl93]

Nicole, in a word, Yes, I doubt the veracity of your post, and I gave my reasons for skepticism. Could I be mistaken in my judgement? Of course. If your situation resembles what you have described, then I'd say you're misleading yourself into believing that any unsupportive spouse, whatever her ideology, is going to somehow evolve in weeks into some more accepting form. If she dislikes panties and nail polish today, that ain't going to change through exposure. If as you indicated, she presumed a drawer full of undies and bras was for a girlfriend...then you got other problems besides cross dressing.

Maybe you inadvertently compressed time frames... forgot bits of illuminating information or took some poetic license in describing the circumstances or your wife's behavior. Or, maybe you're imagination filled in a few blanks. That's ok...no one here is going to care one way or the other.

My point, however, isn't whether your posts are true or false, but rather to caution that you don't mislead yourself about who you are, where you would like to be going, by misunderstanding the nature of your wife's objections, nor the process by which these may be resolved, if ever.

[Nicole11]

Hi Kim. Thank you for your nice message. It is not always easy to see eye to eye. . I appreciate it. I am just trying to improve my life, but thank you for your advice. I hope you are doing well.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Nicole;

Members here sometimes have precarious relationship with spouses or gf's . and are often looking to see how we can improve those relationships. So when we see someone who has successfully broken the barrier, we may look up threads to see if it's possible to gather helpful insights. Your current thread and your last show two opposite reactions to you initial disclosure.

Maybe if you could explain the difference in what you posted?

Your spouses reaction in your first post is more towards the norm, while your revision in this post is making members think you may be setting yourself up for heartache in the future.

Have you and your wife had any deep conversations on the subject ?

Be well,

Kelly

[Nicole11]

Hi Kelly. Yes, we have had the deep conversation on the subject. Her first reaction was very poor. However, I think she is starting to come around. She at least knows that I am crossdressing regularly and is handling it better than her first reaction. But it still is a very much don't ask don't tell situation though and I am not able to freely dress like I would like. My plan is to have another heart to heart conversation with her about it soon. Hopefully, we can come to an agreement and I will be able to dress up freely.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Her attitude sounds encouraging, but she may just have a very slow digestion. Be cautious- do nothing more than you've done already for 6 months and let the subject come up naturally from time to time- that way you'll be surer of where you both stand. I've seen a number of cases here where an early positive response turned into full-on rejection after a few weeks or months.

[Jenny22]

Nicole, I truly wish you well on your journey.

[CherylFlint]

My wife says for your wife to “lighten-up and take charge”.
My wife tells me when to dress and what to wear.
And when we go out I pass as long as I don’t talk.
Oh, and she does the driving, too.
And she checks my makeup.
We’ve been married for about 20 years.

[Nicole11]

Hi Cheryl. That's great you have such a great relationship with your wife and she is completely involved with your crossdressing. I am working on being more open with my wife. She still is not completely comfortable with me crossdressing in front of her though.