Moving into new dressing phase...not deliberate

[janhoney]

Hello, first post ever. I am 67, divorced (ex lives next door. Amicable.), dressing off and on since age 10 (caught twice trying on mother's clothes), purged a number of times, now divorced for 14 years and dress every day. My dressing has always been very sexual/fetishistic, especially pantyhose. After the divorce I had a GF of 10 years who was supportive. That ended due to continued interaction (no sex) with ex-wife (who is DADT). I am sure many of you can relate to the CD pattern outlined here. I live alone as my youngest just left the area for a post-college job. As I have gotten more opportunity to dress I have taken full advantage. I live alone.

So....here is what's up. For decades as soon as I was "done dressing" the clothes come right off. But not for the last two months. Now I sleep dressed and during the day, panty underdresss. Previously I rarely underdressed as I worried about getting into an accident and the EMTs seeing them. That fear is gone now for some reason.

So, ladies, things are changing. My sexual orientation is hetero but when dressed it is full on bi or gay or a little straight too. In day to day living I only look at women. When dressed it changes dramatically. I sexually fantasize about other crossdressers and sometimes men, or women. Lol. Fluid as hell. Only been with a woman.

After all this I am simply going with the flow. I am not freaking out at all. I must enjoy it too much.

Sorry for the diatribe but I wanted to set the stage for a question. Have any of you seen such a transition in your dressing? Meaning not just frequency but type. What I am doing now is AlL new. As many have reported for themselves, my desire has increased with age but, hell, I am dressing (in some form) 24/7. To myself, now, I say "Oh, ok just being ". No category whatsoever. And that is fine by me.

JanHoney

[Tracy Irving]

Welcome to the forum. Interesting post. Very straight forward and graphic. To answer your question, no I have not seen such a transition in my dressing. But, hey, everyone's different.

[janhoney]

It was not my intent to be overly graphic. If I have violated the forum rules my apologies. I can either delete or amend my post.

[Tracy Irving]

Not my call to make. We are all adults here so write what you want. No big deal. If the moderators have an objection, they will take care of it.

[Dana44]

Welcome to the the forum JanHoney, your post is fine. I think when we all get older we dress more. I am with a woman and she told me this morning that I am dressed all the time when going out. LOL Guess I must back off a bit.

[kimdl93]

Fantasies and sexuality don't stop at a certain age. One of the curiosities of being trans is that we internalize irrelevant expections, such as you dress like a woman, therefore you must be gay.

If you knnow gay men or women, they are not allocating their desire based on some perntage. I assume, that like heterosexual< the are attracted to both romance and fetish.

[Teresa]

JanHoney,
I will be in that position when my home is sold and we go our separate ways, so I intend to dress as much as possible , to me it's a natural progression . My sexual preferences don't change from wanting female company and I can't see any future changes in that situation .

After the act taking off the clothes is fairly normal, some say it's the guilt factor, to others it's associated with the decline in the arousal cycle. The sexual side I find an annoying distraction at times , dressing has more meaning than being just being a fetish. I do have AGP which many think is just sexual, but there is far more to it then that . In your case the way you feel when dressed and your sexual preferences are very much an AGP trait, presenting as a woman, means you act like a woman and will accept men as a normal situation , it doesn't affect me like that I feel more attracted to women when dressed .

Sorry you say don't have a category , when it comes down to it we all do , it doesn't bother me because it makes sense of how I feel, it's the dealing with it on a daily basis, that's why I can't wait to dress full time, that need is so strong .

[janhoney]

Teresa, dumb question. What is AGP?

Jh

[docrobbysherry]

AGP means you're sexually attracted to yourself when dressed, Jan.:daydreaming:
AGP means we act on our sexual attraction to ourselves. On this site they refer to us as "fetish" dressers.

It is common for dressers to be turned on by fantasies such as being a woman with a man. When I began dressing out of the blue at age 50+ I assumed I had turned gay when I experienced that. But, since there's nothing about men I find attractive that fantasy eventually went by the board. As fantasies do for many dressers. :straightface:

But, like Teresa, at 74 I continue to be turned by Sherry. Things have changed for me, tho. Over the last 10 years I've been going out to quite a few T events. When I'm prepping to go out and when out, sex never enters my mind. That's "new" for me!

[Teresa]

JanHoney,
AGP was put forward by Ray Blanchard, it means to "Love Yourself as a woman ". It was first written with TSs in mind but since then I have found information regarding TGs with AGP. Despite the comment Sherry made it is not all sexual or a fetish , I want to be seen and accepted as a woman which is a trait of it, it started for me at the age of 8-9 years but it's only recently that I've found out more about it . CDers with AGP still transition even though they aren't TS , the need to be seen and accepted as a woman is so overwhelming they still go through with it.

I will agree with Sherry that when getting ready to go out sex never enters my mind, if and when I go full time or thereabouts, it will be because I want to be seen as a woman and not a turn on for sex .

[Aunt Kelly]

Sexual preference and gender identity... two different things, but both a part of who we are. If one part can change, it seems to follow that the other might as well. Clearly, it doesn't have to, but there are plenty of examples here where it does, on a fluid basis just as you describe. If it makes you feel better to find a label that fits, happy hunting. My advice, however, is to stop worrying about labels, or about what this or that act might "make you". You are who you are and beyond certain practical considerations, you should pursue what makes you happy and whole.

Hugs,


Kelly

[CarlaWestin]

Hi Jan. And to think that you're certainly at retirement age. And single. That's quite the enviable situation. Like yourself, I've lived a good life with my proclivities being far from center. And I've finally acknowledged that I'm primarily asexual. I can't wait until you get 10 posts so we can correspond privately. I've discovered some wonderful things along the way that may interest you. What's great about your new found arrangement is the opportunities don't have to be squeezed into captured moments. The world is yours now. PM me when you get the chance.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Welcome to the forum JanHoney.

Your mind seems to move very rapidly...or perhaps I'm just getting old...

Don't be too disappointed if parts of your post get removed- don't take it personally - we're not supposed to talk about drugs and the mod may consider it a little too much sexual info. You might like to read the rules just to clarify matters.

It's natural to progress in your dressing, just as it's natural to progress in many aspects of life. Most of us get to a certain stage and feel no need to experiment further; others take it all the way to transition - you can read about their experiences in another section if you're interested.

It's also the case that some of us find dressing erotic while others don't. It's interesting that your sexual appetites change depending on how you're dressed, eg I'm bi, and my appetites don't vary at all however I'm dressed.

I hope you get to experience some of your sexual fantasies. I've tried everything you mention and I certainly enjoyed myself. Just be safe.

[janhoney]

My original post has been edited. When I wrote the post, it was more of a "stream of consciousness" exercise about an integral part of my lifestyle, but one I have never written about. For those that saw my original post, sincere apologies from a Noob.

Janhoney

[Krisi]

............. My sexual orientation is hetero but when dressed it is full on bi or gay or a little straight too. . ................

Please explain to me how strapping on a pair of boobs and a wig changes your sexual orientation? If you dress as a woman and have sex with a man, that's still "gay sex".

Be what you want to be, I don't care and it's none of my business but the clothes you wear can't change your sexual orientation.

[jhasmine]

I will let you know that I am also a hetero male and dress daily. I even under dress while at work. I go to the store dressed up and even went to a theme park dressed up as well as a 1 piece bikini. My wife and kids know and understand. I have informed my family who has also seen me dressed up in different outfits. The best thing you can do is just be confident and positive about what you want to do. Dress up and go out darn it. Who cares what people say. Do you have a smile on your face when you do it? Then forget about the haters. their really aren't many of them that will laugh or speak out to you when they are around you, and who cares what they say when they are not around you. Wouldn't even think about it. Even with me being hetero, I would like to get some real breasts but keep my man part working. They, as in the rule makers, want me to seek therapy before I can have such a procedure but at $200.00 per visit 2 times a month for a min of 1 year, they can go to hell. I fantasize about having breasts and doing naughty things to my wife all the time. I am sure if I was single I would be more in your shoes as well with those fantasies. When I first started dressing, it took a few shots of hard liquor for me to walk around the house dressed up with my wife and kids around. You will get used to it in your own way. I am not condoning use of alcohol by any means. Just describing what had helped me.

excuse my poor sentence structure. my thought process tends to be all over the place.

[JoannaCD]

I've pretty much followed the same path you described after my wife died 14 years ago. I predict that you will evolve to wearing women's jeans and shoes most of the time. These won't be overly feminine but the act of wearing them will please you as does the under dressing. You probable will also experiment with some makeup in public settings. We are what we are. Best wishes.

[Stephanie47]

Welcome to the forum fellow retiree. I am assuming fully retired or at least the stage of life when we enter the "what the heck" mode of thinking. Yes, it still can happen that an EMT may find you wearing feminine undergarments or worse; stroking out at home fully en femme or dead as a door nail. Living alone is liberating. Even if one has no desire to go out fully en femme into the world there is ample time for self expression.

As far as sexuality goes I do agree with Krisi that wearing women's clothing will not make you do something contrary to your core values. Everyone has fantasies. That's normal. The problem arises when you do something that is contrary to your core values. I've had lots of fantasies concerning "getting it on" with a woman other than my wife, but, I have no intention of doing it. Thinking about it does not make me guilty of adultery. Enjoy your fantasies.

[Devi SM]

I'd had a transition in my cding and sexuality buy reverse.
For me everything start as a bisexual. Then cding, stronger every time. As cd my sexual orientation was lesbian, with other cds. My style to dress was sexy, lingerie, like a sex worker but since I'm out the closet with my wife those desires of bisexuality and the way of dressing has changed.
Today I don't experience that strong desire for sex that took me to be very promiscuous. I've had sex with uncountable men but just 4 women and some cds but bases on the gender therapy sessions and reading several books about the topic my cding begins in my childhood and my bisexuality is just and expression of it in my thirties. The dressing in many cds is at the beginning very provocative because we need to underline a femine sexuality that's no clear yet but when finding the real one, when fears and identity problems are more clear, when gender dysphoria stop being a problem and we accept ourselves and find acceptance in others, now we can get into a balance.
That's been my case. Sex with wife is very satisfactory, even though as my mind and body experienced sex with men, and I don't have regrets because I enjoyed, today I don't need it.

[Ariana225]

So....here is what's up. For decades as soon as I was "done dressing" the clothes come right off.

I seen your original post about "done dressing". Since puberty started I would wear the clothes and be "done dressing" right after as well. Since just 3 short months of being out to my wife, I now put the clothes back on or keep them on after being "done dressing".

My opinion on the change all of a sudden is that there is a lot of shame and guilt for wearing women's clothes that once you're "done", you see things from a logical sense, good or bad, instead of being in the moment.

Once you are more open and accepting of yourself crossdressing I think those feelings of shame and guilt go away after being "done dressing" and your logical brain kicks in and says "there is no guilt/shame, I love wearing panties!" For example.

I am no professional. I can only see what experience I have had myself and yours sounds familiar on that specific issue. Good luck and enjoy your new dressing without guilt or shame!

Edit: A quick question on your gay/bi when dressed fantises. When you are "done" do you still experience attraction to the opposite sex? That is a great indication, in my opinion, of it just being a fantasy and nothing more if the attraction disappears right after.

[ClosetED]

Welcome Jan!
What you describe is common - many start off fetishistic, then describe the dressing as peaceful, calming, happiness with no need for sexual release.
Many also, when dressed, desire to be treated (affirmed) as a woman by both men and women, but that does not mean you are turned on sexually and desire sex with men suddenly. You might fantasize about a man treating you like the woman you wish to be seen as, but in the real world seeing a man does not get you going.
And it is not your age, but your life situation that may cause the change. they just often happen together. Many finally are free of family as top priority and then focus on their personal desires and dress differently / more.
We are here to support each other, so feel free to ask for opinions-you will get varied ones and you decide which fit best for you.
Hugs, Ellen

[janhoney]

Roberta,

To answer your question about gay/bi desires after being "done"...of late, yes the attraction is there. Bottom line, I guess, is I have bi tendencies that bloom while dressed. So far, however, they have not been so strong as to act on them. Fear of being outed, discovered, etc. are a strong motivation for me not to. To be clear, I am in NO mental distress as to the transition. Frankly, I am enjoying the heck out of it. I posted here to see if others have seen similar. I am embarrassed that my original version was pretty graphic. I did not realize it was so until a couple of comments were made and I went back and re-read it. Then it was "holy s**t, what have I done!" :)

[Ariana225]

janhoney,

Then I would just assume your bi and their is nothing wrong with that. You dress as a woman and want to be treated like a woman by a man but you have stronger strait tendacys? That reminds me of the book "Alice in Genderland" where the author lives with his wife and family 6 days out of the week and lives with her boyfriend 1 day of the week when Alice comes out.

I'm glad you have no guilt or shame, it's a wonderful thing to fully accept who you are as a person and what makes you tick! You can fully enjoy life that way.

And don't worry about your original post sweetie, it's not too graphic for most, but the rules were made to make it a great environment for everyone. You edited and apologized about it already and it's in the past! 😘

[Cherylgyno]

Jan. I am 58, been dressing since I was 6. Prior to getting married part time Cross dressing was it. Got home from school, dressed till Dad got home. If Dad worked late Mom had me put a t-shirt and shorts on (I had to keep my legs under the table). Mom would unzip me because I wasn't allowed to have breasts at the table. After dinner I would put my water balloons back in my bra then Mom would rezip me. Puberty hit and my clothes became a fetish at times.
30+ years ago I wed. About a month after my wife caught me fully dressed. She sat me down and assured me that she loved me more. About 5-10 years later I had run out of drawers. My wife said to wear panties to work that day. When I got home I was jovial. Wife and I went shopping for panties. Next garbage day all of my drawers went in the garbage.
Fast forward. 8 years ago my heart attacked me and I had prostate cancer. Due to meds I have D cup breasts.
I am so happy the way things have worked out.
Be yourself, be happy.

[Ressie]

Damn, I missed all the good graphic stuff! I understand the act of taking off the lingerie and getting back to male mode quickly. All my life, my fear has been getting caught dressed by my older brother. That fear has been slowly diminishing over the years but there was a bit of trauma in my childhood concerning him.

At 64 and divorced, I can relate to your story.

Also to clarify, AGP is the acronym for autogynephilia. You can google it or do a search on this site to find out more about it. I think a lot of CDs have some form of it.

[Fiona123]

Many of us derive a sexual component from dressing. There is nothing wrong with that. It's ok also to have fantasies while en femme that you would never have drab. At the same time dressing can an expression of a deeper femininity. Maybe you continue to dress because of that deeper sense of a femme you. No matter the reason if dressing brings happiness by all means go for it.

- - - Updated - - -

AGP is an outdated label used by a transphobic community to make crossdressing and transgender feelings out as a mental illness or to label crossdressers as fetishists. Blanchard's work has been criticized in some quarters.

[Alice Torn]

I have experienced similar things, but do not dress very often. I admit that i am extremely turned on by Alice when all dolled up, as I resemble the type of long tall lady, I desire, and never got to have for a mate. Part of me is ashamed of how sexual I feel when i see myself as a sexy older long legged lady. I am only attracted to a small percentage of women, and i find myself as Alice to be that woman. I have met only four admirers in my life as Alice, and set limits of no penetration sex. I am very cautious about any admirer man, now. It is human nature, to want more and more thrills, and we seldom are willing to tone it down to a minimum, and human nature always wants more. This thing can take over our whole lives, very quickly, and we can do things we regret later. Keeping it under control, to where it does not wreck our lives, is not always easy, but possible. I am a bit more timid about going out dressed now, as i get a gut feeling that there is a backlash starting against TG. I do have AGP. I do not fantasize about men when in guy mode at all, but do fantasize about being Alice with a man. In guy mode, i am attracted to women only, and only a few of them.

- - - Updated - - -

Ressie, I also fear my older brothers, and sister finding out about me. That would be terrible. I must be very much like a secret agent, and mum.

- - - Updated - - -

I agree with Teresa, that it is not entirely sexual. Part of me just likes being pretty, in certain clothes, presenting as a modest, beautiful tall older lady.

[phili]

I started out as a typical repressed straight male fetish crossdresser for 60 years- a few choice pieces of lingerie to represent the whole of it, and any time I found myself alone- an intense autosexual experience- after which I could focus pretty well on other matters.

I wanted more, but it seemed rather hopeless. I tried to integrate CD in to my relationships with girlfriends, who for the most part were tolerant, but only as private sex play that didn't challenge anything in a serious way- beyond making me a bit less desirable as a solid man.

Told my wife "I like to wear women's clothes" before we married, and she saw it as that sort of low profile playtime, and it stayed in the mostly private world. Meanwhile I was BUSY with work and child rearing and there was no space to expand.

After retirement, I realized it is now or never, when my wife got angry with me daydreaming [it was about wearing the dresses of the women around us] instead of paying attention to her. I said, 'I've got to get to the bottom of this". I bought a bunch of clothes and looked forward to getting to explore how I felt. She freaked out, so DADT, with me telling my daughter [sympathetic but not warm] that I was going to try to systematically understand and process what it all meant. She only wanted to know if I was gay and if we were divorcing. I said no to both, which is true. I said I was a committed monogamous bisexual, and I was committed to her mother permanently.

Meanwhile, going out in public DRAMATICALLY changed my understanding and level of detail that I can feel and explain about what motivates crossdressing and what the satisfactions are. I was stunned to find I could just enjoy my dresses without sexual arousal, and discovered that I am a mirl, as I became aware of my many feelings and wants that previously had been condensed to a simple desire for lingerie, and that could only be ended by orgasm, relieving tension and arousal, after which I could concentrate on other things that did need to get done. I was happy for the intervals before I needed it again, having heard of lab rats who orgasm themselves to death when given the chance.

Now I look back and despair at how narrow my understanding of myself was.

Fast forward a year of intense self examination and finding every wonderful outfit I every wanted to wear, and making some, and enjoying the emotional wholeness of just being myself as a mirl without worry or tension. The latest surprises- that once I realize I am a mirl, I no longer have to prove it with super fem clothes, and I can just wear dresses or cute shorts and it is all wonderful. I also discovered to my surprise that my feminine hormones kick in and I have to watch out I don't drift too far into girl mode. I was doubly surprised to find that when femme I often have intense feelings of attraction for men, and I am pretty sure this is what females feel. I had my sexual experiences with men in my youth and it was more a formal way to see what it was like, and I didn't have these feelings at all, and would have said that I would never have them with 100% confidence. This is the latest most interesting and dramatic and unexpected evolution.


In summary- I went from straight fetish cd to self-aware bigender cd in about a year. It doesn't interfere with being committed and monogamous to/with my wife. I wish she were more accepting and flexible in her gender identity, but that is marriage- always something to cope with. However, the more we know ourselves, the easier it is to compromise where we can for the sake of relationship.

I'm guessing that most of us could cover the same trajectory if we let a lot of feelings surface for inspection- as I think I am experiencing what is basic humanity and what we are capable of. Little boys and girls are exploratory and neutral about sex, and usually that goes away either naturally or loses focus- but I think the capacity is there, and those of us who look under rocks a lot will find a lot of surprises that aren't that surprising after all.

[Cherylgyno]

Ressie. Just googled autogynephilia. They call it a mental illness. I disagree, it is a blessing in every way.
My PTSD psych said that I have BID (body identity disorder) because I have D cup breasts and I love them so much that I am doing everything I can to increasr their size. I asked Are you sure it isn't BIB (body identity BLESSING).

[Ressie]

OK Cheryl. I just wanted those unfamiliar with AGP to have a better understanding of the term even though Blanchard's studies are old and have caused much controversy over the years.

My those are some big cups you have!

[janhoney]

Now that some time has passed since my initial post, I have had some time to think about what has occurred to me. I have long heard the the desire to CD increases with age. That has been the case with me. The need to underdress, and not take off the clothes after orgasm and buying more clothes is simply a manifestation of that "natural" increase in desire. I am 67, maybe a decline in testosterone or other hormonal changes? Dunno. My libido is as strong as ever.

I will just continue to enjoy my Private Idaho and quit trying to figure out why?, how?, yada, yada...I am having too much fun to care.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Welcome to the forum and I'm glad to hear you're having fun!

Obviously your youngest leaving the nest was the catalyst- if that had happened 5 years ago I think it's likely you'd have un-closeted yourself a lot sooner.

Here's a comforting thought for you. What will you do when in 14 months' time your youngest loses their job and needs a place to stay?

Oh joy.

[rachael.davis]

Hi Jan
Separate out sexual preference / orientation from gender identity just for a quick start they are two different but related issues. If you're thinking you would like to be with a man - be very very carefull

[Beauty Parlor Bev]

Welcome to the Forum. Here are some of my "thoughts" based on personal experience and observations of other girls. Not everyone is going to agree, but oh well!

So many of us start with our feelings in our teens or younger. We may or may not act on them, but they are there. We are exposed to the "sissies" are bad mentality and we repress our desires/urges to not be "bad" or weird or whatever. Many of us try to live a hetero life (I know, I know 80% OF US ARE HETERO, YEAH RIGHT!) and even get married and have kids to show that we are normal. Maybe we have some bedroom "play" with our spouse that helps quench our thirst so to speak or maybe we just lock it away for fear of being labeled. While a select few are lucky enough to have an "accepting" wife, others are not and we live with our urges/desires and fears of being caught for many years. Eventually, our kids are gone and our marriage is at a crossroads. Some buckle down and stay together because it is "right" or whatever but others go their separate ways either because of their or their spouses choice. Some stay together and begin to go out with or w/o the spouses consent or knowledge. Either way, a lot of us end up finally getting out in our early 40's or later. We have spent many years with our own fantasies about dressing (or not, if you are one of those girls that doesn't get turned on by pantyhose, heels, and skirts! LOL!) and, I bet, a lot of years NOT having sex with our spouse. What you end up with is a sexually frustrated 40 something who has been self stimulating with their own ideas/visions/fantasies for years. The "newbie" is convinced that somewhere out there is a genetic female that is really looking for sex with a CD/TV/TS etc. Not saying they aren't out there, but.....Depending on the venue that the "newbie" chooses for her first outings, she may just run into another sexually frustrated, 40 something Tgirl that is looking for the same thing. OH NO! We can't be interested in each other, it would be gay (80% chance I'm hetero remember!) and WRONG! But she looks very pretty LIKE a REAL girl, she smells very nice LIKE a REAL girl, and she feels very nice and smooth (hopefully!) LIKE a REAL girl, so it can't be all that bad can it...and MOST IMPORTANTLY she is interested in ME, which hasn't happened in years.....

Eventually, you have a CD/TV/fetish dresser or whatever (I abhor labels actually) that is experimenting with her sexuality and hopefully embracing it. Chances are pretty good that this doesn't happen on our new girls first outing but rather after she gets more comfortable with "herself" and gets out some more.

I COMPLETELY agree that gender identity and sexual orientation are two COMPLETELY different things and I know girls that are hetero, but they are the minority in my experience, sorry! I do NOT buy the "I am hetero in guy mode but bi when dressed" idea though, sorry again. Some of the absolutely MOST conflicted girls I know are those that refuse to even consider the thought that they maybe bi, the teachings of their youth so strong that even 40 years later they are at odds with themselves.

Does everyone follow this path? Absolutely not, but I have met enough over the years that do, that it starts being a "pattern". You can agree or disagree, I don't particularly care (remember, I am a middle aged TGIRL who has had a ton of interaction with the public, my "don't give a care" is pretty high), but I bet a lot will agree and a few more will be wondering.........I have some other observations/opinions that I am not willing to share on the open forum (you know, rules and all) but would be willing to discuss on a PM.

[Tracii G]

Welcome.
You are aware that fantasies are not reality right?
If you are gay you know it trust me there is no I'm kinda gay or I'm only gay when I crossdress, clothes do not change your sexual preference.
They do effect your fantasies tho'.

[Becky Blue]

Janhoney, I can relate to half your story, from a young age to about 40 dressing contained a strong turn on factor for me, no desire to be with anyone just turned on from the dressing.

Then it changed a lot for me, literally overnight, the turn on factor totally disappeared and suddenly dressing became something I had to do. Since that time some 12 years ago there is zero sexual side to anything to do with Becky, no turn on, no attraction (beyond what it is when I am in guy mode)

[janhoney]

Thanks for your insightful responses. Beauty Parlor Bev - I think you are on target, and describe it well. For many years, I have read that most CDers were hetero (i. e. Tri-Ess). That is what I practiced but, at times, and especially when dressed, thought about men. So I thought I was an outlier. The more I read now, however, is that the opposite may be true. In any case, I am going to stick to the closet and not seek a man in reality, at least that is what I feel now...

What is the state of the art in male sex robots? LOL

[Beauty Parlor Bev]

Jan, I am not one to give advice or serve as a role model in any way BUT I am in a very similar situation to yours. Divorced for a few years, only child away from home, and living completely on my own. I work as a male but dress as soon as I get home and pretty much live the rest of my life en femme. I was conflicted about my sexuality and how it fit in with my dressing for many years. This led to some serious depression and dark times for me. However, once I accepted and eventually embraced my bisexuality, at least that part of me became much more clear and enjoyable. I am very aware of my mortality and the last thing I want to do is lay on my deathbed and wonder what if........Just sayin'!

[IleneD]

Much of what you experienced resonates with me (and I assume many on the board).

I too have heard the clarion calls about gender and sexuality being distinct and separate. It's comforting I suppose; maybe not entirely realistic.
I've struggled with my "condition" for most of my conscious and adult life. I did everything I could to follow the teachings of my elders to live the straight and normal life, but alas. Attempting to cope with The Feelings led me to denial, self-loathing, despair, substance abuse (at various times), anguish, hiding and secrecy...... you know the life routine. I didn't WANT to be femme. All the social pressures were against it. Yet, the Feelings remained.
I recall my misspent youth, thinking I was gay. I had effeminate emotions and feelings. I love being pretty. And yes, I had a handful of homosexual experiences while exploring the possibilities. Some of it was vulgar and dirty and I was ashamed of the circumstances; yet some of the experience of having a man make love to me was pleasurable and interesting. In the end, I put it away to follow that "straight and narrow lifestyle. I found a great girl. Got married. Had a family. Followed a great life opportunity into a fantastic career. I loved my life. YET.... those Feelings never went away like I thought they would; the feeling that I was and wanted to be a woman.

As I've come out and peeled away the layers of my own past, my motivations, my behavior and feelings, I've found my newfound gender identity drifting back to thoughts of being with a man. There was a period over the summer where I experienced vivid dreams of being in the arms of a man and making love. It was a "feeling" dream, not a graphic porno sex dream. I relived the experience of being with a man. It made me wonder if there is another transition that coincides with a gender transition; one that involved deeper female feelings, emotions and sensations as the transition progresses. Perhaps as I further live with Ilene, my sexuality too will drift to the femme side.
That being said, I have little or no interest in seeking sex with men. Gay men, in fact, are a turn off and I am NOT attracted to what the world views as gay men. I''ve always had a robust and good intimate life with my wife of 40 yrs. It turned out to be a great life relationship [to which I've been scrupulously faithful], and the smart choice long ago. But the mere fact that I can imagine and appreciate the notion of a man making love to me as a woman is an interesting development in my mind and attitudes.