Do you take your "show" on the road?

[IleneD]

Ladies,

I've been thinking at length about taking my dressing up and life as Ilene on the road and out of town. This is not just an opportunistic by leveraging another vacation or business trip. I am thinking something quite dedicated to the sole purpose of spending a few days completely en femme.

The reason I am considering it is the same reason many of us Girls have. I have a marginally supportive wife; a DADT situation (though she doesn't claim it is so). While she can tolerate a stray feminine item worn around the house, she absolutely hates The Full Ilene (dress, make up, wig, etc.), and doesn't want to "see it". Partial Ilene is OK. Full Ilene is not.

Since she doesn't want to see it, I'm thinking to taking off for a long weekend, getting a room at a nice hotel or lodge, dressing and living out the weekend in my clothes.
There are a few pitfalls, I see. First, I will be doing something without her. Enjoying a weekend holiday without her, and not sharing. That's quite unlike us (to not share). But I'm getting to the point where it's increasingly difficult to SHARE this side of me with her. I hate that, but the scorn around the house doesn't work for me either.
The other pitfall is SUSPICION. I can almost read her mind on this one. What is he doing? Who is he with?
And last, how do you tell someone you love that you don't want to spend the time with them?

I'm interested if anyone here has gone to such lengths to "be themselves", and how it worked out? Was your SO relieved that you got your girl on or did it cause more issues?

[CarlaWestin]

How about, "I am going to take a four day Ilene vacation." In return you can weigh the other side with lavish vacations as a couple. Let it be known that DADT dictates the need to express yourself fully and alone occasionally.
And, is there any question about faithfulness? There shouldn't be in an established committed relationship.

[faltenrock]

Ilene, I completely understand what you say. I think most of us are in the same or similar boat.
I have an agreement with my wife to leave home for 2-3 days every 4-6 weeks to be out dressed. She knows that.
I also promised to get out dressed only far away where I can't be recognized. Usually I use business trips to combine my need to dress.
Perhaps a solution for you as well. I do tell my wife when I'll be out dressed, but knows anyway if I leave for a day or two.

[Meghan4now]

Ilene,

That is not unheard of here. I have not done that YET, but many other members have. I hope that this is something you can talk to her about. You might time it to go to a convention or other organized event. Being an Event may add legitimacy to your discussion. Of course, it may also be quite the opposite, but if I were to lay odds, I would think it would be more in favor of quelling the "who is he meeting" fears. Just because it is a known group, and not some one on one liason. Secondly, it may quell fears of safety and security.

I would think it would be worth a discussion. She may get mad, or she may be OK. I would always leave the option for her to join, but let her also know it is not an expectation or requirement.

Good luck with this and let us know how it goes

[Aunt Kelly]

Discuss it. Negotiate it. Get it out in the open. Make it understood that you need this, and why. The "why" part may still be unsettling, but honesty and openness will prevent any unnecessary anxiety.

BTW, I know how you feel. My spouse is slightly more accepting - doesn't bat an eye when I leave the house in full girl mode, but would prefer to not spend time with me that way. Clothing is fine, painted toenails are fine (still a lovely lavender in prep for last night's rained-out GNO), but the full image is just over the line. I understand and respect that.

[Alisonforme]

I'm in a similar situation. My wife wants none of it, but we have talked about my need to express and explore this side of myself. I just booked a couple nights at the Keystone Conference in Harrisburg, PA in March 2018, where I am looking forward to spending 3 days fully en femme as Alison! I'm trying to expand my wardrobe for that trip, but getting there and being me is the main goal.

Good luck Ilene...we all need it!

[docrobbysherry]

What Alison said!:thumbsup:

Why go it alone when u can spend up to a week dressed with other trans at an exciting event somewhere around the USA? Even if u don't party as hard as some others do? Just hanging with "the girls" is such a good time!

As I've discovered at these many T events: Trans r good people!:hugs:

[Nikki A.]

I'm widowed so my situation was different. I made friends with a GG on this site (who was/is active in the LGBT scene) and I went out to Denver for a long weekend as Nikki. Another member joined us and I spent three whole days as Nikki. I brought minimal male clothing, so that I couldn't chicken out and I had a wonderful time. We went to restaurants, a meeting, shopping and clubs. It was my first time out in the real world and I had a great time. My friend kidded me that most first timers need to pried out of their room, I just couldn't wait to go. Only time I got a little nervous was going to an IHOP on a Saturday morning, but no tar (or syrup) and feathers flew and we finished before the pitchforks showed up.
If my wife were alive, I would not have made this trip for a multitude of reasons, some of which you brought up. I do understand the suspicion on her part, but hopefully she can see that this is a part of you and you need to express it.

[Alice Torn]

Ilene, I agree with Carla on this. Just tell her the truth, that you need a few days alone as Ilene. I am single, and super tall, and i am pretty timid when it comes to being out in public, even when no one knows me, but once out of the car, i tend to be ok, but also vigilant about who is nearby, like teens, parents with kids, gangs, redneck badasses. Hoping to go to a distant place for a few days as Alice, sometime. I WISH WE WERE CLOSER, AND COULD GO TOGETHER. I am ex military too, in Illinois. It would be nice to go out and walk around, eat out, whatever, as two older ladies.

[kimdl93]

In my case, I used routine out of state travel as my opportunity to spend time en femme. That is, both on occasions when I traveled, and those occasions when my wife traveled without me. I admit I thoroughly enjoyed both situations, spending as many as ten days dressed as I wished and where I wished.

But, looking back on this I also realize that these days apart were at least a reflection of the growing separation between my wife and I. I began to look forward to her absence, and I'm afraid she began to prefer my time away as well. What seemed as opportunities might well have been recognized as warning signs.

I can't do it over again. I don't regret dressing and the opportunity of experiencing life openly as an transgender person. I deeply regret allowing this part of myself to contribute to the drift towards separation and dissolution of a marriage. So, I would say, don't do it. Try to find some way to come together on this subject.

[Teresa]

Ilene,
A good compromise might be to find a social group, I never thought my wife would accept that and know I leave the house dressed to drive to the venue but she does .

I have stayed over on occasions and had breakfast dressed before driving home, I did feel guilty about the Xmas party because I felt I should have been sharing an enjoyable evening with her , having a meal and then dancing with other women was great but I did regret the situation she has put us both in . My wife isn't happy because she feared my dressing might go further, at the time I made no promises where it would lead , it's very hard trying to be honest with yourself and your wife .

AS you know this hasn't been enough so we are separating it's very amicable at the moment because we both know it's for the best the situation can't continue as it is , it will destroy us both and be of little help to our family .

[T Gram]

I love time with "my girl" we just got back from a trip away she was all girl mode for 3 days. I kind of missed her when "he" came back. But ya gotta do what you gotta do :/ I'm hoping "She'll let me post a pic or pics of her here one day, it's "Her" choice though. We just got back from a "girls" lunch :) I could imagine no "girl time" She's my best friend.

[Dana44]

I would have a good sit down talk on this Ilene, My so has gone with me and has told me that on some things I should go by myself. I would like to have her with me . But I understand. IN your case she does not want to see you. But I would tell her she can come and be with you if and only if she wanted to.

[TheHiddenMe]

Recently I was going for a weekend in Chicago to see the Cardinals play the Cubs. My wife, who knows I CD, asked why I didn't ask her along (I have in the past). I told her I had some "personal time" planned, and let her fill in the blanks. A few days later, I needed to rearrange my appointment from the afternoon to the morning, so I went a day earlier (Wednesday instead of Thursday). My wife was ok going earlier. I did not tell her anything I actually did (she says, "lie to me").

But what worked for me may not work for you.

[audreyinalbany]

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. My wife is borderline tolerant but doesn't want to see or participate. She does generally support my need to have some girl time to myself though. She hasn't been thrilled about it, but I've gone away for several days at a time to be Audrey, once to Northampton Ma and couple times to New Hope Pennsylvania. I'm thinking i might make the trip to Erie, Pa for the Erie Brothers and Sisters gala this fall. I've never been to an actual social occasion & it would be nice to have a chance to get glammed up for nice night out. Meanwhile though I think there's no point in putting it off untill there is a gathering of the tribe somewhere. Take the chance to go away by yourself and explore the world. You'll find it's not such a scary place.

[IleneD]

Carla,

There's never been a question about faithfulness; and this after 40 yrs of a good marriage (up until Ilene entered the picture).
But one of the things that came up during The Talk (coming out) and some subsequent discussions was "the gay thing". She started off lumping the CD experience under the general heading of LGBT, and the gay world. And while I've tried to make the distinctions, she still conflates the two as being one and the same.
I don't need her thinking I am slinking off in secrecy to meet (and seduce?!!) other men; heaven forbid.

And you're right. Talking about it in advance, and what I want to do with me time away will be important. Not a negotiation, but a discussion. I don't want to hide anything.

[michelleddg]

5 years ago my wife and I broke 30 years of deep DADT with a girl's outing to Las Vegas. It was wonderful, and my wife's takeaways were 1) ultimately this is all pretty harmless, 2) I have no interest in transitioning, and 3) this is my thing, and she does not care to be involved. So, since then I get an annual hall pass for a week of "Michelle Does Las Vegas". In exchange Michelle never appears in the house in any way, ever. This is what works for us, maybe parts will spark some ideas on what could work for you. Good luck! Hugs, Michelle

[Teresa]

Ilene,
My wife has got over that problem, she she also thought the social groups were an excuse for men to get together for sexual reasons , even stopping over or sharing a room isn't a problem now. I tell her honestly I'm not interested , but if there was a GG then there might be a problem. She's adamant no woman would want a CDer, again she's wrong just because she doesn't want to know. Yes I have had a very polite pass made at me which was dealt without losing a friend, I also told my wife this .

I have never been unfaithful, in some respects my CDing has kept me more loyal , she knows without it I might have had affairs , so my marriage could have gone through a divorce and not an agreeable separation . I don't want to hide anything but if a person doesn't want to know then there is no choice in the matter. Again I would suggest finding a social group, the hotel where we meet has great facilities and it does give us a chance to mix with the public.

[Tracii G]

I have done it several times to several cities I do business in.
Do what business I need to do then take 2-3 days to just hang around and see the sights enfemme.

[CynthiaD]

I take my show on the road a lot. I like going places en femme. I dress, fully, at home most days too. I highly recommend a road trip. There's nothing like showing off your femme self in a new town.

[Robertacd]

I do some of my best work on the road, it is fun and easy to go out dressed when you are someplace nobody will know you or ever see you again.

[Helen_Highwater]

This I can relate to however in my situation I'm in the closet.

Each year I went off on a weeks walking holiday. My So just can't walk as far, as fast or as high as me so off I went renting a cottage for the week. Initially I would dress in the evenings and you've guessed it over time the walking diminished, the dressing taking over. So the last 3-4 years have been totally given over to me being enfemme for 6-7 days.

Some days I'm out the door by 09:00 and don't get back until late evening spending all day out and about. So make sure you have comfortable footwear!!!

Ilene, if you can arrange it with the knowledge of your SO then that would be the best thing. However I council you that this is a genie that won't go back in it's bottle and once you get a taste for it you'll want to do it again.....& again.....& again..........

[IleneD]

WOW.
You girls never fail to amaze and inform me. Great advice and a robust discussion all around and from many perspectives. Most say "GO!", but also you've shared details on how to do it, how to bring it up, and how to manage the situation.
Every time I find myself in a swivet over my CG (maybe TG) situation and making it work with my existing marriage, this Forum of Friends has been a comfort and a learning experience.

Aunt Kelly [ever the voice of experience and wisdom], Alison (for me), Meg (love ya, girl), Alice, Teresa and HiddenMe...... love you all more than you know. Hearing you all, I can gain the proper approach to discussing my "time away" with my beloved Wife (who doesn't quite love Ilene, yet). And for the first time I am giving serious consideration to attending a CD/TG conference like Keystone. I used to think that was out of reach.

This is important to me. First, because my inner woman IS NOT going away. I tried in some respects to put Ilene away for the last month+. It didn't work, in fact it made me obsess more about living my life as a woman. When I get home after this long trip away, I'm donning my favorite dress; Wife reaction be danged. It also means this is an integral part of me that I have let free. It's not fake or something I made up. I have hated that I can't seem to share ALL of me with The Wife. I hate doing things without her, or going places without her. I want her to be a part of ALL my life, including the Inner Woman I call Ilene. This is very, very slow work to get her to come over.

(Maybe I should invite her along on my weekend away to dress; at least give her the opportunity to say "no, do it on your own.")

AGAIN... thanks to all. You are why I treasure attending this board. Bless you. Thank you.

[Helen_Highwater]

Ilene,

I would suggest that if you want to make the offer of your SO coming along then attending a support group meeting together could be the way to go. You'll need to check with the organiser that it's one were partners do attend, after all you wouldn't want your SO being the only one there. Assuming it's one were partners do attend then chatting to them may just give your SO a different perspective on things. That it's okay to be okay with your husband CD'ing and your world doesn't come crashing down.

Also these environments are super safe. What you don't want is for you both to go out and something, even a tiny thing, to go wrong as that will confirm her worst fears.

Together or alone I do hope you get the opportunity you crave. I know just how deeply satisfying the experience is.

[IleneD]

Helen,

I'm almost there.
I need to find a good support group in my area (Denver). I know that forum member Gretchen has been involved with a few and invited me. I need to get details.
Yes, this has gone way past the point of "It's Just About The Clothes". After coming out over a year ago and living with this somewhat in the open, I've struggled to understand my CD and why. I'm glad I did, because the introspection and conscious thought I've devoted to understanding has made me MORE aware of the deep issues I've always harbored inside me for a lifetime and never came to grips with. Thank God I finally put it out there for MYSELF. Lord knows..... most of my life I thought I was gay, or some kind of gay [married and closeted, non practicing?] yet confused by how/why I would have a lifetime relationship with a woman (and enjoy it). So confused, I was. I never figured that it was GENDER and not orientation at the root of it.
Yes.... a good group of likeminded men who share my magnificent dysphoria would be good.
Once again, Helen, bless you and thank you.

[Teri Ray]

My wife and I attended a tri-ess meeting. I did not attend dresses as my wife has yet to see me as Teri in person. It was good for both of us to attend. My wife got a lot of insight. Her only complaint was the meeting agenda was about transgender and library access. My wife would have enjoyed talking to everyone in attendance about there dressing desires. For us it was a good thing. I am sure we will go again. Taking things slow is the only way I know to find where my wife's discomfort level is. She has seen me as Teri in pictures but not in person yet. One small step was us shopping together and her helping me buy a few tops which she insisted I try on for her when we got home. Same with shoes. I am lucky to have her.

[Barbara Black]

My dressing outside of the house has usually been limited to remaining in dress while going to a local drive-thru. However, my wife just requested that I stop doing that because there are cameras there. Her objection is not that I'm seen anymore, that's obvious when I get to the window to pick up the food, but rather, that someone who sees me on the camera will do something to our food if they have something against crossdressing. This is a new wrinkle (fear), so I haven't said anything yet, or haven't gone out yet since being told this. I suspect those cameras are way too small to even tell if you are crossdressed, or just an ugly woman. LOL. It'll certainly curtail my excursions if I have to undress every time I go out.

[sometimes_miss]

I'm not 'out', so it's not a show. But I do bring some girl stuff with me when traveling. I usually sleep in girl pj's.

[ReineD]

And last, how do you tell someone you love that you don't want to spend the time with them?

Gosh, don't tell her that.

Just tell her the truth ... that you need to dress fully for an extended period of time, in an environment where you don't feel as if you are putting her out.

Lead her to understand that she is more than welcome to join you if she can rid herself of her objections, even if these objections are subconscious.

If nothing else, this conversation might lead to deeper truths between you.

[IleneD]

Thank you, Reine.
As always, you are the educated, erudite voice of reason and truth on this forum.
Appreciate you making the subtle but real distinction on the real message I want to convey.

[Lana Mae]

Ilene, I have to agree with Reine! The truth is the best! Helen also has the right idea on taking her along to a support group with SOs present! Best wishes for a resolution to your problem that is amicable to both! Hugs Lana Mae

[Paula_56]

I tell everyone it’s so I can get there in time to prepare for my meetings the next day. If they knew the truth they would be surprised, or perhaps “shocked” would be a better word.
The airport has energy, a vibe, a current of movement and change. People are in a state of flux, business deals, money made and lost, love found, divorces, farewells, reunions, new babies and trips homes for a funeral, a river of life. I watch them, businessmen and women, grandparents on a visit, tourists, college students, and the visitor whose brief return is over. But I mostly focus on the women; in them I see myself.
You see that’s my secret. How I envy them and long to be a member of their sorority. The anticipation in me grows; soon I think I’ll join them. I will shed this facade of masculinity that I have been forced to wear. I’ll leave this city, this life, and role behind. I sigh and close my eyes trying to sleep as the plane lifts off. It will be a busy day, I’ll need my rest.
The baggage claim, the rental car bus, the ride to the hotel, it’s a different city, but the same routine. I smile and exchange pleasantries with the hotel clerk.
“Welcome” she chimes, “Are you in town for business or pleasure?” she asks.
I hesitate slightly before responding, “Actually both, I have a meeting tomorrow but today I’m meeting one of my sisters for and lunch and shopping.”
I laugh to myself, If she only knew what I meant by “sister.”
The hotel, is quiet and empty; everyone is out and about. As I ride the elevator up, my enthusiasm and expectation grows. I push the huge suitcase down the hall the wheels sticking on the carpet. Finally we arrive at the door. I insert the card, it clicks and we are in. I toss the suitcase up onto the bed. It opens, and out from underneath the slacks and BVDs I pull a black bag, I lay it across the bed and unzip it.
It’s good to see them again, my purse and the pink makeup case, a pair of pumps, several skirts, tops, bras, panties, pantyhose and jewelry. A sales receipt spills out from my last trip. It’s from Nordstrom. Oh, yes, I remember now, it’s from the M.A.C counter. I had bought new foundation. The sales associate, her name was Lisa, was so friendly and helpful.
“Thank you Lisa,” I say to myself.
I read the date it was over a month ago. That’s too long… much too long.
I let the warm water of the shower melt away any uncertainty. That part of me from that now distant city protests “Why are you doing this? You’re foolish! You’re a man, a husband, a father!”
But I don’t listen to that voice anymore, I know better now. The feminine scent of the shaving cream and the unveiled smoothness of my legs calm me. I feel her take hold inside me.
I dry myself off, then spray on some perfume, I breath the aroma in, the scent is satisfying, almost like a drug, I feel it trigger certain parts of my brain, as if they were dormant, but now are called to life, they burst forward igniting senses and desires no longer forced hidden.
I become a little hurried now. As I put on my foundation garments, a female silhouette takes shape in the mirror, the padding and forms do their job. I feel a slight disappointment that I need them at all. My eyes go to juncture of my thighs, the curvature of my lower abdomen, it looks so female. Maybe, I think, someday… it will be.
I sit down and start my makeup. I‘ve become practiced, better than most women, the foundations goes on with a M.A.C brush. Oh, yes, I think, I have all the tools. Then I apply powder. I brush it off softly creating an even matte finish; next I contour, then I highlight.
Slowly I trace the brows; their arch brings another hint of femininity to my face. This time they came out perfect, I’m pleased.
The eyes are important; I take my time getting them just right, the shadow, the liner and finally the mascara.
The lips are next. I trace a cupid’s bow with the lip liner bringing my upper lip closer to my nose, an important feminine feature. I finish with two shades of lipstick; my lips take on a fullness and depth. Some blush, and then a touch-up and I’m done.
Not bad, I think, but there’s still more. I clip on my earrings, a gold bracelet, a watch, a diamond engagement ring, and on the other hand a birth stone. Today I’ll be wearing a skirt with a red jacket. I step into the skirt, pull it up and then zip it. It fits nicely. I smooth it running my hands over the curves on my hips. Then I slip a dark blouse over my head I pull the buttons close over my bust, yes, my “bust,” I muse; I like the way they look. Next, I put on my jacket.
Finally the icing must go on the cake, I lightly place the wig on my head; “boys have short hair girls have long hair” I mouth these words softly.
I step toward the mirror; there she is “Paula,” a huge smile flashes across my face, a giddiness takes over, a sense of relief. I primp in the mirror then pack my purse, credit cards, license, cash, and room key. I primp in the mirror again. My nails! I forgot my nails, it takes a few minutes, but they’re pretty, a press-on French manicure --- just the right feminine detail.
I check my purse again. I’m nervous, there’s a bit of trepidation as I stand in front of the door. Faintly I hear his voice pulling me back. “Noooo I shake my head!"
I look in the mirror, she smiles at me. You can do this. I’m out the door; there is a sense of wonder I’m doing it. I ride down in the elevator, the doors open and I’m in the lobby. I walk over and grab a bottle of water from the market. I ask the clerk softly, “Can you put this on room 314?”
“Sure” she smiles, “Anything else Ma’am?”
“Ma’am,” I say to myself, yes, she said Ma’am --- my heart sores.
I’m out the door and the cadence of heels on the pavement announces a woman is here. I’ve escaped, if only for the day, but I’m free and I’m flying!

281415

[Sarah Doepner]

Ilene,

When I first felt the need to get out for more than an evening or an afternoon I started going to Las Vegas for a short walk about. I would tell my wife that I needed to get away for a few days, but not with details. Sometimes it really was a backpacking trip with my buddies but other times what was stated as a solo camping trip would be a CD trip on my own. She would also get chances to visit family out of town for a few days from time to time, so we had an understanding that while we spent most of our time together, there were times when we could be apart. Without her having that opportunity, I'm not sure I'd ever been able to make that kind of a trip without telling her why. The lack of honesty back in those early days is still a source of shame and regret I feel from time to time.

Later in our marriage she found out and eventually approved of my dressing. I was fortunate one more time. So when it came time to do the trip she understood what it was about. I always invited her and sometimes she came along. Usually for a day or two then she would extend her vacation and fly off to spend time with her sister while I spent time with my "sisters". She passed away several years ago so I don't need to clear it with her, but I'm glad now that I finally was able to.

It used to be I was good with one of these extended trips each year. It's been since April and I'm ready for another chance to get my Show on the Road, and maybe even to a different venue. And maybe one more after that.

[JanetW]

I enjoyed reading your post Paula. You are a talented writer. The imagery you describe at the hotel the day before a meeting or convention is a familiar one as I too usually bring the girl with me on business trips. I don't have the courage however to venture out and usually just relax in my room with a cocktail and movie.