writting a letter to SO

[sarah_hillcrest]

Hi, I've been doing an hour commute to work now for a couple weeks and almost every morning my mind gets lost thinking about my past, trying to unlock the clues that lead me to being, well, here now; writing a post on a cross dresser forum. I'm 38, and I've been into this in some form or another since before puberty. My wife has known about the oddities but in the past they had less to do with crossdressing and were more fetish related. This summer I experimented with CD and found it filled some void that was missing. Where I felt ashamed of my fetish and did my best to hide it I felt a compulsion to tell my wife, and I did though I put more emphasis on feelings and wasn't totally forthcoming about my interest in Cross Dressing. She said she was less uncomfortable with this then my fetishes, but still uncomfortable. She has since discovered a few of my amazon purchases and how I've messed up her makeup, which got me in a bit of trouble.

Since then there have been mixed messages, she has started having "spa nights" with me where we go girly things like bath bombs, facial masks, and stuff like that. It seems to make her really happy to do this stuff with me. I've been shopping with her for the spa stuff and clothing for her, which seems to really enjoy.

BUT, if I act a little to interested in makeup, or a dress, or even make some off hand comment then she'll say, "you're really starting to bother me with this stuff."

I think she wants to accept it, but feels that there is a level of acceptance that she will not cross. For example, I've slowly switched from boxers to bikini briefs without a flap. She was aggravated I was buying panties, but when I showed her they were men's underwear she was fine with it. If I started wearing kilts she'd probably be fine with it.

For all the years she's been together I have never been honest, until recently, and I feel terrible about it. She's always said she just wished she could understand it, but I couldn't even admit it, let along talk about it.

Do you think a letter trying to explain things would be a good idea? I know just talking about it would be better but I think a letter where I could organize my thoughts. Or perhaps I should just kind of leave things where they are for now. Ultimately I really just want her to be comfortable with me.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Writing the letter is an excellent idea. It will help you clarify things in your mind.

But if you decide to share the letter with her, I'd recommend reading it out loud to her after first explaining that it's an aid to saying everything you need to say. You don't want to strike an impersonal note, and frankly an honest conversation is probably the better choice.

Be prepared that her instant reaction could go 2 ways or more: she might have hysterics and run screaming from the room, or she might go very quiet and even start crying. However she reacts, she will need time to digest what you've told her- give her that time. You may have read enough here already to know that she will very likely assume you are gay and that her marriage is now over, and even that you want to have a sex change. You need to reassure her firmly that you love her, nothing has changed in that respect; that you still find her very attractive, that you are still a man.

It does seem that there is reason to be optimistic. The fact that the male panties label reassured her shows that for her it's more about society's conditioning than it is about the style of the underwear itself. Hey, why not wear a kilt some of the time? If she's ok with that, as you suspect, it's a pretty good compromise.

Move slowly, be prepared for any kind of reaction, and read in this forum as much as you can of other people's experiences of coming out to partners and spouses. Thousands of men all over the world have had this conversation with their SO, and there is a lot of good advice.

Good luck!

[rian]

I had the same story as you ,,my wife had difficult time to deal with my crossdressing , especially in the middle East ....it was a shame to be one like that .yet I planned for a very long time ...a very thoughtful plan to tell her ,,it took me 3 years or more ..clue after clue ,,till we reached the point where i confessed to her ....and showed her that a crossdresser is only a man who like to dress as a woman ...like any fashion dress for cloths ...she accepted the idea and sometimes she bought some lingeries ....yet she becomes very supportive at the end ...to a limit ..so take your time and do not surprise her ..you have to show her that there is no harm ....and finally she will yield to you ...

[sarah_hillcrest]

You may have read enough here already to know that she will very likely assume you are gay and that her marriage is now over, and even that you want to have a sex change. You need to reassure her firmly that you love her, nothing has changed in that respect; that you still find her very attractive, that you are still a man.

Thank you,

Fortunately we've already done that, when we talked the first time and I explained to her that I felt as if certain aspects of my psyche were feminine. I didn't mention that I had been experimenting with it, though I'm sure she guessed.

She made it clear she didn't want a girl friend, but then a day later she ask me if I wanted to have a spa-night with her.

I was totally content keeping my old fetish interests to myself, but lately those have nearly disappeared and I so want to share with her, learn from her, and just make this a small part of our relationship and not some dirty secret I keep hidden.

Or maybe I just want to dress in front of her? Is it my selfishness, or hers? As of now I may get a few hours once a week to dress, if I'm lucky.

I feel like the only thing that holds her back is the social conditioning.

[Lisa85]

Writing a letter, or note summary, to yourself is fine. But NEVER share the written doc with her. Too much can go wrong and can be interpreted so much different than you expect. Writing is a reduced communication set, you really need tones, emotional input and body language to assist you in this delicate sharing.

[Karen's Secret]

I'm hesitant to provide any feedback on this because, like with your wife, you've only shared a small part of your story with us. We're in the dark as to what the fetishes are that you've shared with your wife so I'm not sure how she would react to this letter on top of whatever else there is that she is aware of. You don't need to share anything more with us here but just understand there is going to be a compounding effect for your wife. Good luck.

[Angie G]

Being organized may help her understand what your feeling maybe put it on paper then try reading it to her.:hugs:
Angie

[kimdl93]

Once upon a time, I would have suggested writing a letter to explain your thoughts. Now, I'm more inclined to recommend that you organize your thoughts, and share them in conversation. Even more importantly, be prepared to listen actively to her feelings, fears, thoughts.

I did what you're contemplating, and mistook months of zero reaction as tacit acceptance. It wasn't. Then we had a few conversations, a session with a counselor, followed by 18 months of radio silence...a break from my CDing...in her terms. At the end of that 18 months, she asked me to leave, then divorced me. Maybe a letter will work in other situations, but I certainly didn't have a good result!

[Micki_Finn]

You can't force it on her. It sounds like she doesn't want to hear about it or see it. Don't be confused by the spa stuff. Facials and bath bombs aren't outside the realm of cis-men so don't take that as a sign of acceptance. The surer sign is that she shuts you down whenever you mention something "girly". She hasn't dumped you yet, so I'm guessing she kinda wishes you'd just shut up about it and settle into a DADT situation. I know that you feel this urge to express yourself around your wife, but it sounds like she's just profoundly uncomfortable with it. You can write her a letter to express you feelings, but I doubt it's going to allay her discomfort with the situation. How about you ask HER to write you a letter so you can get you head around HER feelings?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

OK, but her social conditioning may still be regularly reinforced, eg by church. When people meet something new which challenges their core beliefs they fall back on what they were taught - if you'll forgive me for stating the obvious. Only education, or you might say re-education, is going to shift those long held views. That's why I'm encouraging you to learn as much as you can about how others have handled the subject, so you'll be better able to help her open her mind.

FWIW I don't see your desire to share Sarah with her as selfishness. It's more like asking her to share a life raft, because as things stand, you're struggling to keep your head above water. You are married after all...

[sarah_hillcrest]

Thanks again for all the feedback.

Just a bit of background. My wife and I have been married 17 years and have been together as a couple for 20, no children. The fetish I mentioned was AB/DL I've had a sort of sissy/diaper infantilism thing since early childhood. It has caused us much grief, and my wife has been incredible gracious about it. For about the last year I've been noticing that I had become much more interested in the fem aspect and less interested in the infantile aspect, to the point where I found myself going to thrift stores to purchase vanilla female clothing.

I had tried wearing my wife's clothing a few times and it never seemed to do anything for me. It wasn't until I tried a wig and makeup, looked in the mirror and saw someone who wasn't me that I was hooked.

I told my wife because I had become obsessed with it, I couldn't get it out of my mind. One night after dressing for maybe the second time I laid in bed and didn't sleep for 7 hours. When I told her I felt a tremendous sense of relief. She wasn't angry, especially when I assured her I wasn't gay and loved her more than ever, but her big question was, "What am I suppose to do about it?" She was also really just worried about it, like me getting caught, and the fact that she would have to keep it secret.

I recently read, "My Husband Betty," which was very informative. I've been keeping secrets my whole life, I'm fine with it, but apparently women aren't so comfortable with it. Also I put myself in her shoes, if she told me one day she was going to get a crew cut and grow a beard I know I would be freaking out.

The more I think about it the more I think giving her a letter is a horrible idea. Writing the letter perhaps not, but the thing she's always said she wants his some kind of explanation, some kind of way to understand what's going on in my head.


How about you ask HER to write you a letter so you can get you head around HER feelings?

That is a good idea. I've asked her that question a lot, but when it comes down to it she's not all that comfortable about talking candidly either.

[jack-ie]

Sarah, Now that you've had some time to explore this site, do you think she would be open enough to read related threads here.

[Karen's Secret]

Sarah... I'm going to be very honest here. Based on your updated information I think any wife would have a very difficult time dealing with this, justifiably so. I believe you have some issues you need to deal with and you should not do anything that causes your wife to feel like she is at fault for not being accepting. Honesty with your wife must be done in person and not through a letter.

[char GG]

From Sarah Hillcrest:

I feel like the only thing that holds her back is the social conditioning

I'm not sure this is necessarily all true. The way I read your post is that you think these so called "clues" are going to help your SO to know what is going on in your head. Just my opinion, but write the letter and use it as a "guide" for yourself to come clean with her and let her know what is going on - not just what you think she knows or guesses (what you think she "guesses" may be incorrect). It may create a lot of questions but just be prepared to answer honestly and patiently. You have the advantage of knowing what was going on for a long time. If you want her to be comfortable with you, make sure you communicate enough to make sure she is comfortable with your level of CDing. She also will need to know how you feel about her and how she fits into your CDing. You may want to think hard and truthfully about your answer before you have the talk.

She sounds like she may be open to talking. Best of luck.

[sarah_hillcrest]

Yes the more I think about it, a letter just was a cowardly idea.

Yeah I agree, I don't want her to feel like she is in the wrong, I mean she has been so accommodating in so many ways and would have been well within her rights to walk away from me a long time ago. As strange as it sounds I feel like I've made a lot of progress in dealing with my issues, there are a great many things that have improved in our lives in the last couple years. We are truly very happy. I just don't want to spend the rest of my life with her just pretending that it doesn't exist.

So she doesn't want a woman in the bedroom, which I understand completely, and I don't really want to go there. But she does seem to like the idea of having a "girly pal" who will talk about eye pallets, brushes, clothing, and stuff like that. Which I'm also great with except that it's like almost torture because we both know that I'm interested but if I give any indication that the interest I'm expressing is as much for me as it is for her she seems annoyed.

[Beverley Sims]

The "talk" is the best thing, you just need balls to do it I suppose.

I have not been in that position at any time so maybe there are pressures I do not understand.

A letter is certainly not the way to go as you need instant responses to the conversation.

[Dana44]

The talk is the best thing. You may want to write notes to yourself that help you keep things in order. When I brought it up, she had all of the questions. I answered all of them and showed her my clothes. It was rough startup but over time much better for both of us. She helps me shop and do stuff together. So talk to her and it is what it is. she may be hurt or need to think for a while. Mine got on this site and asked a few questions and she has therapy and has talked to them about it also. But she is pretty supportive.

[Lisa Roberts]

Get yourself to a good Counselor. Not to be "healed" but to learn more about yourself. A good Counselor will eventually ask to have your wife join you. I speak from extensive experience. It has helped immensely. My best to the both of you.
Lace, Smiles and harmony,
Lisa

[sarah_hillcrest]

Counselor is probably not feasible as the area I live in would mean driving at least an hour to see a therapist, unless I wanted to talk to one of the many local evangelicals preachers. Too much going on right now with us anyway.

Big day together today, We drove 2 hours to a medical appointment (yes on a Sunday) and afterwards went shopping with my wonderful wife, she tried her best to accommodate me including using some of her Ulta points to buy me some makeup, completely by surprise. Afterwards I told her how much I appreciated it but I didn't want her to do anything that made her uncomfortable. She said she did find it uncomfortable but just wanted to do something nice for me. She asked me just try to keep from putting it in her face and take it slow. I couldn't help but tear up.

So glad I didn't give her the letter, thanks again for letting me know how dumb of an idea that was.

[Jenny22]

Sarah, an hour's drive to a really good gender therapist should be the least of your concerns. The benefits could be amazing for you, and, when the time is right, your wife. Please reconsider. Hugs.