my crossdressing is ruining my sexual desire

[lucaluca]

hi everyone,

i have a huge problem and i am sure some of you can relate!
i am into women but i haven't had sex in 2 years mainly because i don't approach other women. there are a lot of reasons why, i am very shy for example. also i don't feel very manly and think that women won't think that i'm attractive because of it. but the biggest reason is that i don't approach women because everytime i see a good looking woman i don't think about having sex with her or imagine what it would be like if we were in a relationship. the first thing that comes to my mind is what it would be like to be her :sad: and i can't control that. my sexual desire is gone in these moments. and this is driving me crazy.
do you know what i am talking about? and if so, how do you deal with it?

best

luca

[Eva Skarlatova]

In my point of view there is nothing to do with CD. It's just a mental issue, perhaps temporary and fully explainable taking in mind that you haven't interacted with girls in this meaning a long time ago. Probably there would be the case with most people (CD or not) in similar situation especialy yuanger and not experienced one. I can not give you an advice, I am not professional terapist, but I know that it's psyhological, not pfisical issue. Try to be more self confident and not to stare at the issue all the time.

[suzy1]

I am going to have a stab at this based only on my own personal experience. This may not apply to you at all.
I did a thread a few weeks ago about being a lesbian trapped in a mans body as that is a good description of me. [I got the usual flak when this topic comes up by the way]
Imagine being able to transform yourself into a woman and then being picked up by a sexy lesbian at a bar. Do you find that sexually exiting? Having sex as a man may be becoming a turn off for you.
Give it some thought and reason on from there.
This is a deep and somewhat complex psychological subject.

[Rachelakld]

I also find I'm more interested in experiencing life as that woman.
I personally think that it's low testosterone (which I've had most my life and seems to be getting lower as I age).

[ChristinaK]

I had the same problem when I was younger. That I wasn't masculine enough and that made me avoid relationships. Also the guilt and shame I felt prevented me from feeling worthy of being a man in a relationship. Fortunately, women tripped into my life without me trying very hard. We do live difficult lives with our predeliction for CDing.

I used to use my own fantasies about a woman imagined in my head that would allow and enjoy whatever I wanted, dressed how I wanted. Try using your imagination in a quiet place where you won't be disturbed. Maybe with your favorite piece of women's clothing.

You are not alone with how you are thinking, even though it's misguided. Don't be hard on yourself. Realize that you are a unique person that many women would want. Not all women want a tough, masculine dude.

[Tracy Irving]

i have a huge problem and i am sure some of you can relate!
i am into women but i haven't had sex in 2 years mainly because i don't approach other women. there are a lot of reasons why, i am very shy for example. also i don't feel very manly and think that women won't think that i'm attractive because of it

Women you don't know have no clue how you feel. Their initial attraction will be totally physical. You only get a one chance to make a first impression. Wear nice clothes and learn to dance. It will help your confidence.

[Teresa]

Luca,
OK the first problem is we have no idea how old you are . It's no good suggesting something if you're in your mid sixties when the desire may have dropped anyway .

I personally don't have this problem although I have AGP my needs are based around women dressed in either mode. OK I have experienced sex dressed many years ago, all I can say is it made the experience even better .

The other question is are you still a virgin, because you could be putting the problem on CDing when it isn't the problem .

Most of us also relate to the clothes our partners may be wearing so we understand the attraction to them as well as the clothes. Some partners fear we only want them for their clothes, to me it is a very intimate feeling to share clothes with a woman . These feelings go right back to my childhood and how it all started, and the associated long term dreams I was having.
I also agreed with Suzy on the feelings about male lesbian, some circles do recognise this idea, my gender counsellor understood the point I was making when I related my CDing story .

You will need to give us more information if you want a clearer answer .

[Kelly DeWinter]

Lucaluca;

What a crazy world attraction is. Years ago shortly after I left the military and I was still in the habit of dressing like I was getting ready for daily inspections, shoes shined so well you could see your reflection, shirt garters to keep shirt tucked straight, ironed and starched creases in pants and shirt. I met a very pretty girl at an multi company office party. She approached me and we hit it off well. Fast forward , It turns out she had a thing for men who wore shirt garters. Who knew ?

Take a risk and the next time you see someone you like just ask them to coffee and see where it goes. You never know what her attraction is unless you take a chance.

[Stacy Darling]

I'm pretty sure that I know where you are at!
Stacy!

[Julie Slowinski]

Hi Lucaluca,
I'm going to guess your a bit younger.

First some reassurance. It's not uncommon for an unmarried person to go that long without sex. I know that in the hyper sexual world of social media it may not seem that way, but you are completely normal in that regard. Before I got married, I had plenty of long periods with no partner. It had nothing to do with cd'ing or even the thoughts in my head (which were similar to yours). It was just life and the way things go.

Now for the real advice. You're trying to start a relationship with sex as the basis, which is totally the wrong way to go about things. Sure, there are shallow people out there who thrive on this 'hookup culture', but in the end they are left with a string of emptyness. My advice is to look for a relationship based on an emotional connection. Someone with similar interests, views and morals. Once you create that bond, then sex will be more about pleasing your partner, than your carnal desires. If you get with the right person, they too will be interested in pleasing you, which is where your fantasies can really blossom. But, that should not be a requirement - my wife used to indulge me once in a while, but she's not really into it so much, so we just don't do that part anymore (though it's been a while, so maybe I should bring it up again).

The important point is that sex is just one part of a relationship and once you have kids it'll be the smallest part, not cuz of lack of desire, but cuz there are so many other important things associated with regular life.

Oh yeah, here is the most important advice for all the young girls out there. Come out to your partner BEFORE you get married. It my seem like a risk, and there's a chance it might end the relationship, but it's far better than it ending a marriage, especially once kids are involved. I can tell you that it was the best decision I've ever made, but more importantly the girls that didn't will tell you that the lack of honesty and trust hurt their wives more than the actual cd'ing part.

Hope this helps,

💋💋💋 Julie

[ClosetED]

Hi Luca - you've been a member here a while, but few posts. Not having sex does not seem to be your worry, but libido is. You don't mention if you take care of that release. If you saw that beautiful woman, and imagined her dressing you up and making you pretty for her and being turned on, would that increase your desire? And would she have to be beautiful, or just caring and very accepting?
Hugs, Ellen

[Alice Torn]

I can surely relate, as i suffer similarly. I feel male shame because i feel like women are afraid of me, that men are predators. I always felt shame for lusting, but in person, i never ever tried to "go all the way" with a woman. I did play, and always stopped short. Partly religious beliefs, and partly, because i think women do not like sex, and think men a re predator. i dated a fair amount in my 30's and 40's, and had some pretty nice friendships, mainly with women much older tan me. never did have any success with women near my age,period. it seemed they all acted like they did not want men, or else, like me as a brother or friend, but would not take me seriously as a potential mate. I also, am not into thinking about sex much with them, at all, but wanting to copy their styles, and when dressed up, imagine being them or like them, and with a gentleman. But i would never want a man to penetrate me. I am a senior now, and never had penetration sex with a woman or man! Yes, a few lifetime virgin men DO exist!

[Cherylgyno]

I consider sex different than cross dressing. I do now and always have preferred cross dressing to sex. I use to fool around before I met my wife. Naked sex is fun but it only lasts a short while. Cross dressing lasts forever.
Having a supportive wife we aren't naked.
As long as you are enjoying yourself and not hurting anyone keep doing what you enjoy.

[Tracii G]

Luca's profile says 36 but I'm not sure if that is correct.
You just have a fear of women or a fear of rejection and you are trying to find an excuse or blame it on something else.
A woman you don't know has no idea who you are and if you CD you are just afraid to walk up and talk to her.
This whole trying to shift the blame thing is very popular these days.
Nobody is willing to actually deal with personal problems face to face so they have to blame something or somebody else for their situation.

[Teresa]

Tracii,
Maybe you read it wrong the only figure mentioned is 36 posts not her age .

[docrobbysherry]

Luca, women for the most part, aren't all that impressed by "masculinity". But, they r by success. And, what do all successful people have? Confidence! I had none in highschool and watched the guys that did get the hotties I was afraid to talk to.:sad:

After college and some time wasted in the Army, I began my life's profession, real estate. In a few years, I was doing pretty well and feeling cocky! I'm not good looking or studley. But, I became confident! Dated a Playboy Centerfold and, married a Las Vegas show girl. Plus, dated a ship load of cuties in my life time. (I'm over 70.)

When u feel good about yourself? Women and other men will be drawn to u. If u think you're a loser? Other folks will, too! My advice? Start doing something u can be proud of!:D

[AlanaG]

Ok Doc, any chance of revealing which Playboy Centerfold you dated?

[Tracii G]

Sherry you hit the nail on the head.
If you don't think you are good enough you never will be.
I really hate to see people want something so bad but are to afraid to put in the effort to make that dream come true.
Duly noted on the age thing Teresa thank you.

[Stephanie47]

A very long time ago (1960's) I felt inadequate when it came to dating or approaching young ladies because I had that desire to wear women's clothing. As a horny teenager it was very confusing. Society said men who wore clothing were homosexuals, although that term was no used. How about "fruit, queer, faggot." A cross dresser was fair game to get beat up. If I was a teenager or young adult now my outlook would be totally different. There may be some reluctance to spill the beans to just any woman, but, that would not stop me from getting to know women. I am not a therapist so I cannot venture an educated guess. However, I've always found people can manufacture an reason to avoid something. Frankly, I've seen some fairly unattractive men with gorgeous women on their arms, and, the other way around. I've never dated a woman with the intention of hopping into bed with her. Don't view women as a sex object and maybe things will work out differently.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Seems like you're at a crossroads in your life. If you're sexually frustrated, there are people you can pay to take the problem away, without worrying about seduction, appeal, commitment, etc. But it seems to me it's more a crisis of identity- so you can pay a therapist to help you find your way, or you can just wait and allow yourself however long it takes for the answers to present themselves - and they will.

Good luck whatever you decide.

[Jaylyn]

I just want to say Amen to Julie Sloeinski words very well written and lucaluca you would do well to listen to her post. I was reading thru all the post and when I read hers I realized this has been true in every aspect of my own life from dating to marriage, to dressing to retirement and is a perfect guide and advice for anyone young and into the CDng thing. Well written Julie.
Good luck to you lucaluca.

[jennifer0918]

I have approached woman in guy mode and en femme and had no problem. I talk to woman just like if I was talking to a friend spark a conversation but I have no intention of sleeping with them,I'm married. Woman are not visual beings, you don't have to look manly, just be nice ,be a good listener.

[Alice Torn]

Doc, Sadly, women are often fooled by "confident" bad dudes, like Ted Bundy, and other scoundrels. They cannot always tell the difference between confident good guys, and confident snakes. i always have struggled to have confidence, as i have been ridiculed for 63 years by my older brothers, and was, also by my dad, and was singled out and picked on in grade and high schools, and on jobs. I di d finally grow a bit in it, in my late 20's and early 30's when far from my toxic family, and dated over 40 ladies in my life, but only one date in the last 7 years, now, living in a lousy place for an old bachelor, northern Illinois farm country, where single women are rarer than gold, and most my age range, have thrown away their femininity, and don't dress nicely, cut their hair super short, obese. At 63, i have just about given up, and find my enjoyment with "Alice Torn", the tall, leggy lady in my mirror.

[NicoleScott]

Luca, you didn't give any indication this is the case, but I'm going to ask anyway: does crossdressing "use up" your sexual energy? If so, you won't be the first. For many whose crossdressing has a sexual arousal aspect, it can be easier, simpler, less complicated, and even better to achieve sexual pleasure through crossdressing than with a partner. Just a question, no offense intended.

[Alice Torn]

Stephanie, I am the same way. I had no confidence in myself and still struggle, due to a very negative childhood, and older twin brothers who still ridicule me. for being alive. I did date over 40 women in my life, and never tried to seduce any of them, and i am still a virgin!!! I did caress them a little but no sex, or mouth kissing. i did try to touch the hosed leg of one, to see what hose on her legs felt like, but she quickly moved my hand away!

[docrobbysherry]

Alice, if it's any consolation? These days, I'm only "dating" Sherry.:eek:
While I could afford to date 40 y/o, probably even 20 y/o women these days? (They're mostly in it for the $$). I've always been more interested in intimacy than sex. In my experience, the 1st leads to 2nd! U must not have gotten very close to your 40, for whatever reason(s)?

Alana, it wouldn't matter. That was back in the 70's or 80's. So, u wouldn't know her anyway. But, to be honest? I had no idea she was in Playboy until way after we dated. When I saw her pic in a friend's old PB mag!:eek:
I still HAVE that PB page, tho!:heehee:

[erin8042]

I am with you too, the first thing i think about is "i wish i was her". Having sex as a male never even goes through my mind

[Julie Slowinski]

I just want to say Amen to Julie Sloeinski words very well written and lucaluca you would do well to listen to her post. I was reading thru all the post and when I read hers I realized this has been true in every aspect of my own life from dating to marriage, to dressing to retirement and is a perfect guide and advice for anyone young and into the CDng thing. Well written Julie.
Good luck to you lucaluca.

Thanks Jaylyn. Except for the end, I would expect the same advice applies to pretty much everyone. Actually, the end could also apply to everyone - all future SO's deserve the right to make an informed decision, regardless of your secrets.

[sometimes_miss]

Women you don't know have no clue how you feel. Their initial attraction will be totally physical. You only get a one chance to make a first impression. Wear nice clothes and learn to dance. It will help your confidence.

+1 on the learning to dance idea. That was what changed my life. When I found out that all the nurses I worked with were going out regularly with one of the gay guys, I was dumbfounded; why in the world would they do that? Until one of them told me that he took them dancing. So off I went to Arthur Murray, took some lessons, went to the company christmas party and showed off my new found skills. No problems getting dates anymore, or since. Nearly all women love to go dancing. Learn the steps, and how to lead, then you can even TEACH them, and they love that, too.

As far as the problem of wanting the girl, and wanting to BE the girl at the same time, well that's pretty common among us here.

[Micki_Finn]

I may be oversimplifying this, but if you don't have any desire for women, then maybe you're not into women?

[MelanieAnne]

Sex with women is over rated. I was married for 17 years. Had two five year relationships, and over 30 years in the single scene. Got all I wanted. Some was good. Some not so much. I've lost interest in women. It's just one less thing to deal with. I'd rather spend an entire evening pleasing me. I also just got tired of womens games.

[Tracii G]

Women are too manipulative and needy I can do without them as partners.
As a shopping partner or friend is fine as a love interest no thanks.

[Judy-Somthing]

The one I know is I love fem clothes, Dresses and Lace.
I'm not sure how I ended up marrying my wife , She always refused to wear lace or garters and would only wear dresses for special occasions.
When women wear dresses I go crazy, It's such a turn on and if they say dresses are nothing special then why do they wear them on every special occasion?