How do you deal with the severe depression/crash afterwards

[nikkim83]

I have known I was different for many years. I am lucky and fortunate that I have a sincere supportive wife, and I am grateful beyond all belief for her. I had a fantastic Nickie weekend as some of you have seen in the pictures forum. Unfortunately today I am having a tough time coming out of it. I did not want to go back to being Nick I wanted in my heart of hearts to stay Nickie. Most days I wake up I don't look in the mirror because the first thing I see is my huge Adams apple staring back at me. Given the honest choice between a skirt and stockings and heels, or jeans and sneakers I am going with the first every single time. I used to think it was just a fetish, but truthfully, today hurts, as does pretty much every other day I go back to being Nick after being Nickie. I have never felt transitioning was right for me, because quite frankly I love to go outside and turn a wrench, or rebuild a boat, or go fishing, not to mention the absolute wake of destruction in my path as well. I have 4 young children I couldn't do that to, nor am I willing to lose my wife of over a decade, and she has made it clear she will always be my best friend, but if it were to proceed any further it ends in divorce. So now I feel lost not myself and trapped, I just want my cake and to eat it too. I don't want to go back to being Nick, but I can't stay as Nickie.

What is your coping mechanism, Is it Ben and Jerry's, movies, work, none of it seems to be working today.

[Dana44]

Wiow, Nikki, How I do it? I stay male Monday through Wednesday maybe Thursday to keep her happy. But from Thursday through Sunday, I am fem. If we go out I am fem and we went out last week. So we go out fem and in male mode. My home town has only seen me fem. The next town over has seen me male. I would like to be fill time also but we have to keep our girls happy.

[Tina_gm]

Just a thought, I do understand about having a life you don't want to unravel. A wife, kids, interests etc etc. Rather than the black and white of nick and nikki, maybe carry around with you in some small ways nikki. I see so many people on here who have such a strong male vs. female mode. Such a total opposite. And like many, they wish for more, or all of their time to be female, yet like you have so much of a life invested. Now I will also say too that usually, those who do transition feel a true need and that there is no connection to being a male, so it's not so much of changing gender as just freeing themselves of the prison of their born gender to simply be who they are. Now for those who do have both gender sides, or that the need is not strong enough to make the drastic change, yet still there is so much frustration, I would suggest finding small ways to carry around with you your feminine side. One thing I do, is grow my nails. Not crazy long, but long enough to be at least in the questionable length. Just something that I can keep my feminine side with me at all times and have it visible, and to be able to feel it in a sense, like me typing on this keyboard and my nails just long enough to make contact with the keys.

[Becoming Brianna]

I can totally feel your pain about not wanting to lose the people you love. My girlfriend has told me that she is not going to stay with me if I transition and I would really hate to lose her.However, if returning to your male life after CDing is difficult for you, if you have trouble looking at yourself in the mirror because of a prominent male feature,such as an Adam's apple,if you exhibit a strong and consistent preference for female clothing and presentation, and it's more than "just a fetish" then you may have more to think about than you realize. Also remember, the activities you enjoy have no bearing on gender identity. For instance, I enjoy watching football and all kinds of sports, but have recently come to terms more or less with my own identity. This is only my experience but it sounds like you may be approaching a crossroads between your present life and your identity and could possibly benefit from some guidance from a professional with respect to these issues.

[Christie ann]

Coping mechanism? Just the memories I make when out as Christine. I purposely do not take pictures, for one I know that somehow one will be shared on some other device in the house, but two, I think it allows me to really remember my Christie time. Right now, I can live with that while keeping the family intact.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Two words -- Retail Therapy. That is to say, I shop. I have a monthly budget, so when that's spent, all I can do is window shop.

[nikkim83]

I just am finding no inner peace today, and I feel absolutely tormented. I have had every single thought imaginable. I know I am not society's definition of normal, and quite frankly I don't care anymore. I have thought of therapy or counseling, I have thought about seeing a Dr for an anti depressant. A counselor to at least maybe discuss future options. My Doctor to discuss whether or not I have a hormone problem (I don't grow bodily hair other than leg and underarm, I can't grow a mustache even) I am 34, and I don't have a an overly male body, maybe a swimmers body but I have always been a small framed guy 5'10 and 158 lbs. I just don't know. I am completely lost, I just know I don't want to be Nick and I can't be Nickie.

[Tina_gm]

One question would be what it is that is tormenting you. Being a man, or not being a woman? It sounds like the same question but it really isn't. I would still advise before making very very large changes to 1st try blending yourself a bit. I am not against transitioning whatsoever. In the end though, and this sometimes sucks for us, because we end up having to make a very hard and very big decision. What is hardest to do. Say good bye to the life we have, and those in it, at least in their current roles, as well as our roles to them. To be a father, a husband, a son. To transition means we can no longer be those things, yet, if being a man makes us suffer so much that we cannot fulfill being those, then perhaps it truly is time to start looking in that direction. I do think blending may help. It helps me quite a bit.

[nikkim83]

One question would be what it is that is tormenting you. Being a man, or not being a woman? It sounds like the same question but it really isn't. I would still advise before making very very large changes to 1st try blending yourself a bit. I am not against transitioning whatsoever. In the end though, and this sometimes sucks for us, because we end up having to make a very hard and very big decision. What is hardest to do. Say good bye to the life we have, and those in it, at least in their current roles, as well as our roles to them. To be a father, a husband, a son. To transition means we can no longer be those things, yet, if being a man makes us suffer so much that we cannot fulfill being those, then perhaps it truly is time to start looking in that direction. I do think blending may help. It helps me quite a bit.

Whats tormenting me is looking in the mirror and not seeing Nickie staring back at me. I have started doing things like refusing to cut my hair. I sleep mostly in Camis and boyshorts now. I am Nickie on average once per week.

[Maria Blackwood]

Amino acid supplements. 1000 mg L-Tyrosine with breakfast and lunch with a B-complex pill. and L-Tryptophan before bed. These are dopamine and serotonin precursors. Over the counter. I get mine from Amazon.

The change in feeling is very subtle, but it definitely gets me up and doing things again instead of staring at the wall or lying in bed. It's hard to describe.

Heres a link to the ebook where I learned it. http://www.thewayup.com/ebook/f/TheWayUp.pdf

As with anything like this, YMMV.

[Robertacd]

I know the feeling of not wanting to go back, but over time I have realized that I don't have to be fully dressed and made up to feel feminine. Working a little women's clothing into a male wardrobe works for me. Underdressing as we like to call it, women's jeans, shorts, even tops.

[Joni T]

How do I cope with it? I just do. No problem.
Jon

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I find your 2 posts very moving Nickie.

It does seem significant that you grow so little body hair. Perhaps it's worth exploring your hormone levels with a specialist? Given your powerful urge to remain with your wife, perhaps there are chemical solutions to your apparent lack of testosterone? It's not that I think you ought to reduce Nickie's percentage in your life, but clearly you need to do something about the torment you're feeling.

I urge you to seek a therapist qualified in gender dysphoria. Writing in to this forum is a lot better than nothing, and there is some good solid advice here, but it isn't as good as talking with someone in person who has professional experience of helping people deal with the feelings you're going through.

I wish you strength.

Hugs, Nikki

[Stephanie47]

Frankly, I think you enumerated all the people who help you deal with withdrawal symptoms. I strive to lead a balanced life and set priorities. Actually, there is nothing stopping a woman from handling tools, building a boat or going fishing. If you really really feel so depressed you should consider therapy. As to the type of body you have for a male it is no different than many I have seen. Unless you're truly a candidate for transitioning, i.e., a plain vanilla cross dresser, you need to evaluate your priorities. Sometimes expressing the feminine side and being frustrated not to be able to do it anytime you want is a symptom of too much stress as a husband, father and employee. Perhaps you're trying to run away from it all???

[faltenrock]

Nikki, I can relate to your feelings.
To me it seems you're fairly new to going out en femme and haven't done it too often yet. I know by many years of experience that going out dressed can be very very addictive and you want more of that. It seem like a sensational feeling and experience to do that.

From what you say I would suggest to work with a therapist - eventually. I think a lot of result after visiting a therapist is that they tell you you're TS.
Don't rush things now, get slow and find for yourself who you are and what you feel. Things/relationships and marriages can be destroyed fast and easily without a chance to reverse.

I'm going out en femme on a regular basis (every 4-8 weeks), depending on my business and all kinds of things, usually I go out for 1-3 days. After having done that, the truth for me is, I don't like to be Doreen for more than two or max. three days. After that time, I feel like I want to be back who I am most of my life, the guy, father, husband and professional person. I think it's all about your personal BALANCE.

Some of us, actually quite many, go all the way to become a woman at some point. I've seen a lot of people who started as a CD and ended up becoming a woman with all the consequences. Knowing some of them as CD, I knew it would be only a question of time before they actually realize that they would rather life 24 hrs as a woman.

Take your time to find out who you are.

I feel what you say. Sometimes I also have trouble after a great weekend en femme to go back to normal, but every one has to find a balance.

I wish you good luck.

[suzy1]

As my marriage was falling apart[nothing to do with CDing, she never new] she would go off on holidays and I would be Suzy for two wonderful weeks. Saying goodbye to Suzy [metaphorically speaking] the day she came back was probably something like what you are describing here so I think I can relate.
The simple answer is you have to accept what you can’t change in this life so you ether deal with it or you don’t.
If you can’t and real depression [not just feeling low] is something you feel you are suffering from then you need help from your doctor. I once suffered from clinical depression and my doctor plus the help of modern antidepressants pulled me through and saved my life.
Hope this helps in some way Nikki

[Lisa Roberts]

Oh Nikki.... you are not alone my dear. I suffer through the same emotional torment daily. I have been seeing a therapist for three years and it has been quite helpful to help me understand who I truly am. And quite honestly, there or two of me. Lisa seems to be the strongest of my genders. Yet I still have to be a husband, a father and an employee. All of the aforementioned would disappear if I were to fully transition into being a woman. If I could snap my fingers and be a complete woman tomorrow, I would do it instantly. Your torment and pain is real, and you have reached out to some amazing people who have given you excellent feedback. I beg you please, please find a good therapist who will help you down this road. Don't settle for a counselor who will try to "fix"you. I just pray that you find the balance. By the way, try panties and a camisole under your regular clothes. That would keep you close to the Nikki that you yearn to be.
My heart is with you.
Lace and Smiles
Lisa

[Danielle t]

Nikki I feel like I am in the same boat as you I just take it day by day take it slow and try to make the best out of it sometimes I wear feminine clothing and still work on my boat cars etc. I am starting to consider seeing a therapist some days are harder than others like gendermutt said at some type of feminine things in your daily wardrobe does help and I hear you on being on the small side I'm 5.9 140 lbs which doesn't make you feel masculine at all you made me jealous that you do not grow hair because I am tired of shaving I want to gets too long it itches

[Lana Mae]

Oh, Nikki! I feel for you! I had a transformation done and for four days was dressed as Lana Mae 24 hours! On the day I left, I cried almost all day long! I,too, have to be male most of the time(work, daughter, other self imposed reasons)! I wear panties woman's jeans and shoes on most days! I do not dress often (completely) but stealth/underdress most of the time I also wear feminine night shirts to bed every night! I wear nail polish 24/7 and have had my ears pierced! If you are having depression-true depression, I suggest a gender therapist to help deal with the gender dysphoria! Best wishes for a great outcome! Hugs Lana Mae

[Laura912]

There are good pieces of advice here, but based on the desperation in your original post, it is time for you to have a few visits with a therapist who is a specialist in gender issues for some counseling. Does not mean your future is determined if you do that. Most likely you will gain some coping skills. This is coming from someone in medicine and who coped for 75 years...and still dealing with being mixed gender.

[Tracii G]

How about realizing what is reality and what is a fantasy?
How do I cope ?
I have no idea I just do, its never been a problem because I deal with the reality of the situation and don't let a fantasy rule my life.
You are a man and not a woman you know this to be a reality.
You feel and you enjoy dressing as a woman but that part is a fantasy at this point because you are not in the process of transitioning.

[nikkim83]

How about realizing what is reality and what is a fantasy?
How do I cope ?
I have no idea I just do, its never been a problem because I deal with the reality of the situation and don't let a fantasy rule my life.
You are a man and not a woman you know this to be a reality.
You feel and you enjoy dressing as a woman but that part is a fantasy at this point because you are not in the process of transitioning.

Traci. You are right its reality. Its a reality that i hate, but none the less a reality. Its my reality, and I need to suck it up buttercup and face facts. I dont want to but it is what it is. I dont want to be nick. I made decisions earlier in my life that arr dictating what I am and who I am now. So deal I am just tired of hurting

[Fiona123]

I'm sorry to hear about your depression. I deal with my depression with daily workouts @ a gym. I also see a therapist.

[Tracii G]

Nikki I have been there and its not easy so I do understand what you are feeling. I'm not trying to be cold and indifferent just presenting the facts.

[nikkim83]

Nikki I have been there and its not easy so I do understand what you are feeling. I'm not trying to be cold and indifferent just presenting the facts.

To a certain extent while cold and indifferent, facts are facts. The struggle I am having is do I hate MY reality so much I need to change it. And there in is my struggle. If I were 21 again prechildren pre marriage pre obligations I would have already been at a counselor. So now the reality is do I jate myself so much as to destroy my whole life.

[Pat]

I have never felt transitioning was right for me, because quite frankly I love to go outside and turn a wrench, or rebuild a boat, or go fishing, not to mention the absolute wake of destruction in my path as well.

Just wondering why Nickie can't do those things?

You express your situation as two different people. One strategy for finding some peace is to unite the two sides into one person. That means you need to give yourself permission to do all the behaviors you enjoy as the one person (and as a bonus, you get to stop doing the things you don't enjoy which you may have been doing to convince others the personality you're presenting is real.) You can do that without transitioning. When I did that, I found a place where I could always see *myself*, however faintly, in the mirror. I wasn't happy to stop there, but you might be.

But your question was how did I handle the depression when I was living the two-person model of life and had to switch away from the one I liked to the one I didn't? Same way you seem to be doing -- I handled it by being unhappy. I changed it up, going from mildly dissatisfied to full-on self-pitying funk -- it's the classic way.

[Tracii G]

Pat is so right Nikki.
Blend the two personalities together over time. Nikki can do anything Nick can do.you are not two people just one.
You don't have to go all out one way or the other I hope you know that. Mixing the two sides into to one is what I did and I am quite happy now.
You may have that kind of personality that is gung ho or all out no matter if its fishing or whatever the hobby or activity.
Foe example I had a friend that loved fishing so he bought a boat. Then after that he bought probably 30 fishing poles all kids of tackle.
Coolers a new truck to pull the boat a bunch of clothes to fish in several depth finder thingies.
He is the type that goes all out,
He does that with every hobby and its really annoying to everyone around him.
I decided to mix my male and female sides together because that way I could regain my sanity.

[girlyman1977]

It's a tough situation and I fully sympathize as another cross dresser who honestly has bought more women clothes in the last year then men's. As for a potential hormonal imbalance at first the shots of test will feel really awesome and bring life into you. However I am not sure if you will like the side effects. Some are positive some are a negative for any GG.

Faster hair regrowth (shaving is a pain let's face it)
You can get more irritable (roid rage if you will) even though test and steroids are not the same thing.
Acne

your metabolism goes up so it will be easier to lose weight and keep it off at the cost of feeling hot all the time.
You will have more energy.

Also I found out that since going on test last year I just dress more. I do love my body oddly since I started dressing again even though I just turned 40. However I get occasional bouts with dysphoria.

I am debating if I am going to either take a break or significantly cut back on the dosage. It's a double edged sword. At 6-4 and 215ish pounds low testosterone aint exactly fun either.

[GracieRose]

I generally have a hard time coming down from the high of dressing. Just don't want to go back to drab. Since it is usually only for hours at a time, rather than days, I suspect that it is even harder after a couple of days. When not dressing I maintain some aspects such as shaved legs, longer fingernails, underdressing or painted toenails. When going about my general life, I'll forget these things, but when I notice it brings a smile to my face. Alleviates the drab feeling somewhat.

[nikkim83]

I already stay painted toes all the time ( I havent removed for more than a color change in two years) . I stay shaved all the time, and I have for a long long time. I sleep how I want and quite frankly some days i go full dress for work. ( I am 100% work from home so it is really nbd). But i really went the full 9 yards this weekend.

[Janet161]

Nikki, I feel your pain. I truly mean that. I am so sorry about the frustration that you are feeling. Alot of good advice in here. But here is an idea that I found to be a great help in dealing with this. It involves risk and I know this is not right for everyone, but, if you have a friend who you can trust and who could be an ally, consider opening up to that friend and introducing Nikki to that friend. If you can do that, it is hard to describe how wonderful that can be. Again, I know everyone's situation is different and I do not want you to put yourself in a difficult situation, but sometimes, if you open yourself to someone and you get love in return, it can make all the difference.

[suzy1]

if you have a friend who you can trust and who could be an ally, consider opening up to that friend and introducing Nikki to that friend. If you can do that, it is hard to describe how wonderful that can be..

I thought that was good advice Janet.

[Jenny22]

There may be ways your supportive wife may help you. Have you asked her for any ideas?
Is your home and work life such that you could underdress to some degree or fully?
Could you have your toenails polished all of the time?
Just thinking out loud of ways that Nikki could be with you all or most of the time. Good luck!

[nikkim83]

There may be ways your supportive wife may help you. Have you asked her for any ideas?
Is your home and work life such that you could underdress to some degree or fully?
Could you have your toenails polished all of the time?
Just thinking out loud of ways that Nikki could be with you all or most of the time. Good luck!

See post 30

I literally have one friend and he lost hos 14 year old son in July. I couldnt even if I wanted too. Really I am leaning on my wife more than I should right now she has been my savinf grace.

[Tracii G]

I hope you are not one of those that shoots downs every suggestion by members here.
1. You can't do what Jenny suggested obviously.
Will number 2,3,4,5 and 6 get the same treatment? Oh I can't do that because yadda yadda.
I hope you see where I'm going with this.
If you want change its up to you to make change happen.

[nikkim83]

I hope you are not one of those that shoots downs every suggestion by members here.
1. You can't do what Jenny suggested obviously.
Will number 2,3,4,5 and 6 get the same treatment? Oh I can't do that because yadda yadda.
I hope you see where I'm going with this.
If you want change its up to you to make change happen.

Tracii I xan say I have learned from this thread. I am trying to be two different people. Its not healthy anything nick can do nickie can do as well. I have reached out to my wofe anf I am being brutally honest. As far as keeping my fem side with me at all times I do that currently as stated, i stay shaved and polished all the time.
I have decided to see a counselor. And i spent some time online last night doing some window shopping. I am going back to atlanta in 2 months and I am looking for the perfect blue and black dress.
As far as supplements and pills go that is not me. If I have to medicate to get back up its going to be under a Dr supervision. Be it an anti depressent or another route.

What I am seeing is I need a way to make nick and nickie be one.

Today I forced myself to get up and get moving. I made myself stay away from tge mirror and I am refusing to look at my hands. Its a little step but a step none the less

Yes I sound whiney yes i feel whiney right now. Rest assured the advice is being listened too

[Tracii G]

I had a hard time understanding it all at first and in time I realized I was not two separate entities but one with both male and female attributes.
Its not if you shave or wear panties or how many times you dress or how you dress or where you go dressed or if you pass 100% its all about you as a person.
Its letting the female side of you exist along with the male side. You don't have to be all male or all female to enjoy the facets of both.
You need to learn to let go and just be who you are.
Your wife may be understanding to a point but she has her limits and you need to understand moving too fast towards femininity creates a huge problem for her.
Going too fast towards an end is very stressful for the spouse.
How would you feel if things were reversed and your wife wanted to be your best guy friend and started dressing and acting like a guy?
Just think about that perspective for a while.

[Scarlett1975]

I clearly don't have the same situation as its just not practical for me to be dressed for more than a few hours at a time. What i do though is try to walk talk and act in a more feminine way, i often wear stockings and panties under my work clothes (building industry).this helps a lot I can feel it but others can't see it. I also dress every night and watch my TV shows before bed. I also brush my wife's hair, do her nails and massage her daily. These things seem to help and I also suffer I'm told from clinical depression but am so much better using these methods although everyone is different

[Christie ann]

I already stay painted toes all the time ( I havent removed for more than a color change in two years) . I stay shaved all the time, and I have for a long long time. I sleep how I want and quite frankly some days i go full dress for work. ( I am 100% work from home so it is really nbd). But i really went the full 9 yards this weekend.

OK, you have so much more latitude than many of us do. I would agree with those that said you should see someone that can help.

[docrobbysherry]

Fortunately, I am a CD. As such, I don't desire or fantasize about living as a woman. (Granted, there was a time when I thot I did. But, in time I discovered who I was as a dresser).

When I feel the need to dress, I do. End of problem. No depression, recriminations, what if's, ands, or buts! If only all of us could be so lucky!:straightface:

[sarah_hillcrest]

I recently painted one big toenail in a sparkly teal Julip nail polish. It's like something I always have with me to give me a tiny little shot of fem I guess. I was wearing sandals a lot this weekend like when I went over to my Parents house to change the oil in my van because he has a big floor jack. I guess that's a manly thing, but I don't know why a woman couldn't change their oil. The toe nail was noticed but I just explained it was a joke for my wife, which isn't really a lie because she was did find it pretty funny.

Anway, I know what you mean, this Sunday only a couple hours before I changed my oil I thought I might cry a bit when I had to take my dress, hair and makeup off, but it didn't take me long to get over it. Luckily I've always been a very accepting person I guess, just play the cards that life deals me.

[sometimes_miss]

The cure for most situational depression is almost always the same. Learn to appreciate the good things in you life. Stop focusing on how much better life could be if this or that were different. I'm a homely, overweight old crossdresser, with no anticipation of ever finding an accepting female mate. Yet, I don't suffer from being paralyzed into inaction from constant depression. Why. Well, I'm alive. I have a place to live, two pets, a working vehicle. I am physically able to work if I want to. I'm in reasonable good health, though some chronic conditions are beginning to restrict some of my life, but it's not things that I really want to do anyway (arthritis, can't do the athletic things anymore). I have health insurance. My friends still like me (even though, they probably wouldn't so much if they knew I was a crossdresser, but hey, like I said, I look on the bright side). My friend rode out hurricane Irma in Florida and he and his mom are fine.

Lots of good things to focus on. I think I'll go out for a white castle cheeseburger, and they're open 24 hours, another thing to be happy about. See how easy?

There was once a 'Confucius say' thing, went something along the line of, 'Instead of being sad and focusing on all the things you want but don't have, remember all the things that you DON'T want that you DON'T have'.
Then, look on the list of things that you DON'T have that you DON'T want!
No one's shooting at you. You don't have a nearby murderous militant group taking over your current city of residence, that will either slaughter you and rape your women, or just kill you all for fun. You get to take a shower whenever you need to. You don't have cholera infested drinking water. No bombs are going off in your neighborhood all the time. There is no plague of insects taking over your living quarters. You didn't die in the hurricanes. I could go on, but I think you get the point.

As they say while being nailed up on the cross, always look on the bright side of life. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlBiLNN1NhQ

[Tracii G]

Sometimes miss what a great post and yes I agree.

If I wake up in the morning its going to be a great day no matter what happens.
Why worry about the things you can't change or have no power over?
To do so is a fruitless venture. Just work on the things you do have control over.
Work on the smallest first get that one out of the way and start to work on the next and eventually you will have it all done and nothing to worry about.

[AlexisRaeMoon]

I feel like there's so much that's already been said on this thread, I probably don't have much new to add, but I'll offer this: therapy is a wonderful thing.

To backup, I came on the forum tonight because I felt the need to write something. I'm on a work trip, and I brought some things so I could dress up while I'm back in my room at night. I love dressing so much, but my struggle now is I get all dressed up and feeling like I'm looking pretty good, and don't know what to do with myself. I don't dare go out, so I stand here, way overdressed, looking in the mirror and feeling happy and frustrated all at the same time.

But I thought I'd respond here because the guilt is something I've struggled with ever since I first ventured into mom's closet when I was thirteen. Afterwards, I was mortified by the fact that for as long as I lived, I knew that I had tried on women's clothes. It seemed like an unforgivable sin, and it colored everything in my life. As an adult, I started dressing up on Halloween, and one year, I went all out. It was my second time dressing for the holiday, and I wanted to do everything I didn't do the first time - shaving, really high heels, full make-up, the whole nine yards. I worked on it for weeks and had an absolute blast at the party, and received many compliments on how amazing the costume was. The next day, I completely crashed. My wife doesn't know (though how she can't possibly suspect is beyond me...), and I became overwhelmed with terror that I had "gone too far." It was the closest I've ever came to a full-on panic attack. But as per usual, within two weeks, I was back at it.

Over the past several years, I started buying more of my own clothes, and bringing things with me on trips, etc. but there would still be spells of depression and anxiety. Like you, I wanted to look like a woman, maybe not all the time, but certainly more often, and without the pressure and guilt of hiding it. The cycle of ups and downs was killing me, so about a year ago, I asked my doctor for a referral for therapy. It was the best decision I ever made in my life (I started another thread about it somewhere...check my profile). What I learned was that my anxiety was permeating all aspects of my life, and that crossdressing was just a further complication, but not the sole reason. Therapy has helped me feel less stressed about work, relate to my wife better, enjoy making music more, and just feel more confident in general. Having someone to talk openly with about crossdressing is immensely helpful as well. I don't know that you necessarily need a therapist that specializes in gender; mine doesn't. However, any therapist that takes the attitude that there's something wrong with you, or tries to convince you that you shouldn't be doing something that for you is obviously so right, run away!

Seriously, it will take the pressure off your wife being the only one who's able to listen to you. Before therapy, I was convinced I needed drugs to regulate my emotions. I've since learned that it's mostly about the way I've learned to interact with world (parental issues, no need to go into that detail here), and that even my difficulty in being able to tell my wife is rooted in much deeper issues that have little do with crossdressing itself. We're working through that I'm confident that with time, I'll be able to have the kind of openness with her we both deserve. You are so lucky to have an understanding wife, that puts you leagues ahead of so many of us here, but do a favor for you both and find someone to talk to. Trust me, you won't regret it, and you'll learn so much about yourself. If you have any other questions, please feel free to PM me.

In the meantime, I'll continue to sit here in my hotel room, looking pretty and bored! :battingeyelashes:

[nikkim83]

Good morning everyone. I wanted to take a sec to drop in for a minute. I am begining to feel quite a bit better. I have basically come up with a plan of attack.

1) To get through the temporary insanity I cleaned out my basement.
2.) I have begun looking for a counselor/therapist
3) I have been brutally honest with myself and with my wife.( This has been tough)
4) Tried to focus on what I do have not what I don't
5) Been alot of window shopping
6) Set up a game plan for myself. I get a little bit everyday but
Not enough to fully satisfy. My schedule is currently as such I stay with my kids during the day wife has them at night while I work from our basement. October 8 my schedule is changing I will be completely home alone every Friday. Every Friday I not Nickie I am going to dress to the full 9 yards.

These are the things that I have to be appreciative of and this is how I am choosing to proceed. Until I feel I need to do further, and a counselor agrees its in my best interest to do so. I am a lucky individual I need to focus on what I do have.

Some girls here have given straight forward direct advice and some have been a softer shoulder. Everyone is appreciated more than you all know.
I was in a very very dark place, thoughts that I have rarely had before but its time to put the big girl panties on pick up and move forward with a plan.

[sarah_hillcrest]

time to put the big girl panties on pick up and move forward with a plan.

That's the spirit! Good for you.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm so happy to hear you've pulled out of the slump Nickie, that's really excellent news.

Please keep checking in and letting us know how it goes.

[Tracii G]

Yes do keep us in the loop about your progress.

[char GG]

Glad that you are coming out of your depressing times.

I understand that you get wrapped up in your dressing and don't want to stop. I don't want to minimize your feelings. However, your initial post indicates that you have a supportive wife and four young children. In the future, after a weekend of dressing, maybe you should focus on taking your wife out on a date or playing with your children. Laughter from kids goes a long way to make most parents smile.

[nikkim83]

Glad that you are coming out of your depressing times.

I understand that you get wrapped up in your dressing and don't want to stop. I don't want to minimize your feelings. However, your initial post indicates that you have a supportive wife and four young children. In the future, after a weekend of dressing, maybe you should focus on taking your wife out on a date or playing with your children. Laughter from kids goes a long way to make most parents smile.

My wife went out with me dressed over the weekend, I spend every morning with my kids, (the two not in school). She works night I work days, we save an ungodly amount of money in childcare cost that way (plus I work from home to pick up any other slack). I did get some therapeutic relief painting my daughters nails for her. And Giving my little ones lawn mower rides. Above all else my family comes first, hence the reason I am hesitating fully transitioning.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I love that you painted your daughter's nails! I bet she really loved it too.

[Tina_gm]

I want to start out by saying I am not in any way against transition. I have made several posts about going slow, making many compromises, especially for those of us who disclosed later on to our partners or family and friends. Those posts are directed specifically to those who feel the immense frustration of their gender variance, yet are wishing to keep the lives they have intact.

Basic questions, the most basic actually is not about wishing to, wanting to, but CAN YOU? Another is what deep down would or does hurt more, giving up the life you have and living one as a woman, or keeping the life you have and remaining as a man? Those who transition after having built a life as a man... wife, kids, career etc etc, when they do so it is because they feel they have to. They can no longer function as a man, they can no longer adequately be a husband, father, son or a man in any capacity. Want has little to do with it. It really becomes all about what they can and cannot do.

For now at least it appears you are still able to function in these capacities, albeit with a lot of frustration and struggle. That struggle is the norm for most of us, myself included. The longer time goes on the more I realize I was a victim of the gender dichotomy society sets up, especially here in the U.S. as well as many other countries, although most to a lesser degree. Very few to a greater degree. For example, where my wife goes to get her nails done. The owner is a Vietnamese man. He is also the best of the nail techs there as well, according to my wife. Yet, he has a wife, who also works there and helps him run the shop, and he has children as well. He is just a family man running his business. I really do not know where if anywhere he fits on the gender spectrum, probably cis gender hetero male, but who really knows.... but the point really being is that how does it appear for men in the U.S. who would do the same? How many run nail salons who are cis gender hetero? I am sure if we search hard enough we will find some, but it would be a search nonetheless. Why? Because of how WE perceive gender, and how WE feel we must be, do, act, present as such gender.

There are members on here who have decided for themselves not to fit themselves into such society gender norms. Most of us though, myself included do struggle with this concept and almost a defiance of western society expectations. Would that work for you? maybe, maybe not, but perhaps it should be something to be considered as well as the various coping mechanisms you are using, which all sound solid and are having some degree of success.

Life is full of struggle and frustrations. Life isn't fair to all and some have more obstacles to overcome than others. But even for those who don't have the highest hurdles, life still has frustrations for everyone. Gender variance is among ours. There is no easy way out of that. Every action we take to ease our variance will likely have a counter action to it, save for some lucky few, but for most of us it will come with certain consequences. The farther we breach the opposite side, likely the greater the consequences, which then swings back to is it worth it. So for most it becomes a delicate balancing act, and never one without some frustration. It isn't completely erasing the frustration and struggle, just managing it as best we can, keeping our current lives intact, while allowing for expression of our gender variance.

[bunnylover72]

I am just glad to have found this forum, to know that I m not the only one who has similar concerns. But I know the retail therapy does help :)
Brenda

[Judy-Somthing]

You say you knew you were "different for many years"! different than who? I'm 60 now and have found that most people hide their true self, thinking they're out of the NORM!
I've known people who stole since they were in their teens and robed banks in their twenties, who's weirder or so called crazy?
I remember in High School I loved dressing up and walking around town and some of the guys I new thought it was fun to steal a car and beat it to S__t!
Are you hurting anyone by dressing? I could go on but it's all been said before.

[rian]

I agree with you Nickki it is the hardest to go back to the male mode ,,it is the worst moment , that is why I stay with my undies all the time ,,,I feel horrible ...sometimes I hurry to find any free time to run home and change mode just to feel secure ...I think our unconscious is telling us to stay in a female mode because that is what we really are ....