Lost: Newbie Here

[Jayne44C]

Hello Ladies. A month ago I told my S.O. I wanted to start dressing again. She knew I dressed before we started living together. I stopped because she was uncomfortable with it and never got herself to understand the "why" from word go. To her credit she did try to understand and even went to a counseling session or two with me. It wasn't a big thing then in large part I was just a 'weekend girl' anyway. My desire to dress has always been a lot like the imaginary characters portrayed in the John Nash bio pic, "A Beautiful Mind". The desire is always there, I just don't feel the need to actually dress 24/7.

I knew the return would cause her to have concerns and bring up a lot of issues. We're not famous or anything but, live in a very conservative town. Being outed would cause a lot of problems. I've tried to do my best to be honest and even returned to counseling, thinking a unbiased viewpoint would help. I suppose my desire to dress was too strong and I ordered a few things. I did tell her but, it went over as if I were cheating on her, with someone. I explained to her that I have a plan in place that would help protect our family, one child, and our 'place in our community'.

I have an old military style storage locker, yes it's lockable, where I'd keep my things. I work from home now, via laptop. So I technically could dress from the time our kid is in school, until she comes home. I'd give myself time to 'strip down' before she walked back home of course. I just feel very sad now, I struggle with the anguish she feels and the hurt on her face when this comes up in discussion. I feel like part of me is dying before my eyes. Like some crazy out of body experience....you know?

I've always been closeted, have no real desire to go out. I'm not passable my any means but, I have always enjoyed this for the way it has made me feel all my life. Feeling the need to do this now and not, is a struggle. I have read so many great points of view, here on the site, and am hoping to get a few here. I'm an open minded person so, any advice or suggestions anyone can put forth is appreciated.

Thanks,

Jayne

[Tracii G]

If you don't go out what difference does what kind of a town you live in make?
The I live in a conservative town so thats why I don't go out excuse is just that an excuse because they are too afraid to venture out the door.
Its OK if you don't want to go out in public, there is no rule that says you have to.Many CDers are happy just dressing at home.
Welcome to the forum we are glad you are here.

[Lana Mae]

Welcome to the forum!
Sounds like the wife basically does not approve! The town has nothing to do with it! I am out and about in male mode with my painted fingernails and pierced ears with pearl earrings and nothing is said, no looks, no head shakes, no ugly looks and no comments! I live in a conservative area also and no problems! Sounds like you should pick a room to work from get dressed and have the room off limits while you are working! If you want to be in the closet, there is nothing wrong with that! Go for it! Just be sure it is something your wife can work with or around or whatever! Keep the wife as happy as you can! This is part of you but so is she! Best wishes Hugs LanaMae

[Tahoegurl]

Hi Jayne, welcome to the forum. I don't know you or your wife, so advice is tough because only you know the right answer. I do think that there is a conversation to be had between the two of you and an agreement on boundaries for you both. Maybe counseling...but this is not just you...you Ha e a wife and kid to consider. I wish you the best on your journey.

[Sarah Doepner]

Hello Ladies. A month ago I told my S.O. I wanted to start dressing again. She knew I dressed before we started living together. I stopped because she was uncomfortable with it and never got herself to understand the "why" from word go. To her credit she did try to understand and even went to a counseling session or two with me.. . .

. . . I've tried to do my best to be honest and even returned to counseling, thinking a unbiased viewpoint would help. I suppose my desire to dress was too strong and I ordered a few things. I did tell her but, it went over as if I were cheating on her, with someone.

. . . I just feel very sad now, I struggle with the anguish she feels and the hurt on her face when this comes up in discussion. I feel like part of me is dying before my eyes. Like some crazy out of body experience....you know?

I've always been closeted, have no real desire to go out. I'm not passable my any means but, I have always enjoyed this for the way it has made me feel all my life. Feeling the need to do this now and not, is a struggle.

Jayne,

Thanks for joining the forum. You should be aware that we love to offer advice and no one's life is exactly like yours, so much of what we say won't fit you all that well. Sift and sort, pick and choose. Something that follows your note may help. Don't be reluctant to question our advice or challenge our assumptions, be an active part in finding a resolution that works for you.

Your struggle is real and if you don't get a handle on it there is a possibility the emotions will end up spilling over into your work or your family life. It always did for me. I would get cranky and short-tempered with my family or those I worked with if I allowed the anxiety to build and not be resolved. Sometimes it was possible to do something else to bleed off the pressure, a hike or other hobby, but the best option was always the one closest to the issue.

You have pretty well set out the problem and the resolution in your own words. Your wife knows you have dressed in the past, loves you enough to try and figure it out but was still not clear on "why" (she is no different than most of us on that by the way). She knows you want to dress again and have purchased articles of clothing to pursue that desire. She didn't blow up, but is worried that being discovered will be a problem that she doesn't want to face in your community. You have a safe way to store your things and a time available to dress that shouldn't cause problems. The person undergoing the most agony right now is you. I hate to quote RuPaul, but if you can't love yourself, how you gonna love anyone else?

Dress and see if that helps reduce your anxiety. Talk to a counselor if it doesn't. The fact that you are struggling with this should be a concern that if you don't find a way to handle it, will eventually result in that anxiety spilling over into the other parts of you life.

Good luck.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Hi Jayne, welcome to the forum. Don't be alarmed if your post gets moved to the Introductions section, it's just our efficient housekeeping dept.

So many of us understand what you're going through. Nearly all of us have been through something similar at one time or another: please know that you are not alone.

The overwhelming urge bubbling up from deep inside you isn't something you can ignore. You can try suppressing it, but all that's likely to do is make you even more miserable and conflicted, which isn't going to make you a better partner. It might make life easier for your SO right now, but in the long term the strain is likely to spill out into your relationship anyway.

Really the only true way forward is honesty, firstly with yourself, secondly with her. She may worry that crossdressing implies you are, or will become, gay; or that crossdressing means sooner or later you will want to become a woman. These are very common fears for SOs. It's up to you to reassure her that you love her, you are still very attracted to her, and that loving the feeling of women's clothes does not spell the end of her world.

Rather the other way around: not being able to express your love of women's clothes means something akin to the end of the world for you.

Be yourself, has been standard advice for thousands of years. The ancient Greeks had the phrase. You were honest with her from the outset, which is a huge advantage. It's not that you should say 'I told you so and you chose to hook up with me anyway', even if it's true. It's more a case of 'I can't help being who I am. I love you, and I'm asking you to keep loving me even though I know dealing with this thing is really, really hard for you'.

Hope this helps in some small way. Please keep writing in and telling us how it's going. Venting is encouraged.

Hugs, Nikki

[Teresa]

Hi Jayne,
I've checked your age in your profile and somehow I'm not surprised you have arrived at this point. Many of us hit the forty mark and for some reason find a deep need to finally find ourselves. I'm going to suggest you write your history down, what started it and what your true feelings are and where you would truthfully like to be with CDing in the future. Being totally honest with yourself has to be the starting point, writing it down proves to your wife you are concerned and had the need to do it, also it will help if you eventually go onto counselling .

Where you live shouldn't be used as any sort of restriction, remember we are not alone , I don't know how many live in your area but statistically you won't be the only CDer hiding in the closet in your neighbourhood .

Children do pose a problem and there have been many differences of opinion on this forum, I'm inclined to leave it till they are adults so they can fully understand an adult problem . Once you've told a child, you have burdened them with keeping a secret , if they can't then they may pick up the flack for your honesty. Children have enough problems of their own growing up, as a parent you are there for them and not them being there to support you .
The issue of going out or not, again the statistics show the majority of us finally have a need to do it, OK it's happened for me now in my sixties, I sometimes can't believe I had the need or I would ever achieve it, but now I have no regrets because I finally know who and what I am . The downside is I am separating from my wife, it's amicable enough because the situation couldn't remain as it was. My children know the situation and my grandchildren will still get my full support as long as it doesn't cause a problem .

CDing doesn't go away, there isn't a magic cure, part of us are wired with femme needs we have to come to terms with it . The shame and guilt can be mentally destructive so you have to find ways to live with it and integrate it into the family .

[Sarasometimes]

I didn't read all the replies but if you are seeing a therapist, hopefully a gender therapist what do they advise? I think that info needs to be shared for us to really help. The fact that you haven't included it is puzzling. Good luck

[Jayne44C]

I didn't read all the replies but if you are seeing a therapist, hopefully a gender therapist what do they advise? I think that info needs to be shared for us to really help. The fact that you haven't included it is puzzling. Good luck

I went back to my therapist, who I'd seen long ago, to help with the anguish and stress I was feeling. I guess I worry about everyone else's thoughts or opinions' but mine. Thinking about your reply has me realize it's only when I take the feelings of others into consideration do I ever feel like this. My therapist isn't one specifically trained to deal with gender orientation counseling. She does have a number of 'us' as patients. I have spoke with a few who come into her office in one form of female presentation or another. They all seem happy with her, as am I.

[Helen_Highwater]

Jayne,

Firstly welcome. Hopefully you will find the help you seek. There are many wise and experienced folks to call upon.

It's hard for many to understand the reasons why we choose to dress. Let's face it, many, and I include myself in this, don't fully understand the whys either. It's a bit like asking someone why a particular colour is their favorite. If there's something your SO really likes to eat or an activity, ask her how she'd feel if you asked her to stop. Okay there's not the social stigma associated with CD'ing for those who eat say beef everyday but if you like it, you like it and it's hard to give it up.

One of the things I've learned over the years negotiating with customers is to ask them to articulate their reservations. Find out the road blocks. Without becoming too confrontational is it possible to sympathetically ask your SO to fully explain her reasons for her dislike of your CD'ing. Often what you get are knee jerk reactions; that's unusual/different/strange, therefore I don't like it. If you can get to understanding her perspective you may be in a position to provide her with a better understanding and allay any fears she has.

I have spoke with a few who come into her office in one form of female presentation or another. As others have said, you're not alone in the conservative town of yours. Do any of those go out? What about getting together once a month/week? Would your therapist host a group session where you could share experiences? Just a thought.

[docrobbysherry]

Many of us live with loved ones in a, Don't Ask, Don't Tell, relationship. It's not perfect, but it's better than lying, hiding, and feeling guilty.

My adult daughter lives with me and doesn't approve. I tell her when I'm going to dress in advance. She leaves or avoids where I'm going to be. I often dress when she's out. But, I tell her. So, she won't come home early and surprise us both!:eek:

My guilt and stress level dressing at home dropped from 10 to zero since we implemented this arrangement!:battingeyelashes:

[Micki_Finn]

All I can tell you is that you think you have a foolproof plan to keep your secret, well, a secret, but I'd remind you of the words of Robert Frost: "The best laid schemes o' mice an' men gang aft agley an' lea'e us nought but grief an' pain for promis'd joy!"