Do you regret no coming out earlier

[Rosemary+]

Hello Ladies,
I don't know if this has been asked before.
My question is, if you came out later in life,
1. do you regret not coming out when you were a lot younger, ie 20 years earlier.
2. What regrets do you have by not coming out at that earlier stage.

thanks,
Rosie

[sarah_hillcrest]

The only person I'm really out to is my wife, and I deeply regret not doing it 15 years ago. What I really regret is not starting Cross Dressing earlier instead of resisting it so hard.

[Teresa]

Rosie,
I don't think there is ever a right time to come out if you are in DADT situation, life changes from that moment on your wife/ partner will never get over it and be the same again. Even if she says she's OK with it the undertones are there, it will often get thrown into an argument even if it's not relevant.

I'm in my mid sixties now and came out in my forties, it was a bad time because there was so much going on but for some reason it hits many of us in our forties , I felt I couldn't stand the solitary confinement anymore .

Coming out any sooner would have been a disaster , I'm facing separation now, but I have no feelings of guilt, I have done my male bit for everyone, they are all provided for so I'm saying it's my time to live this part of me I finally understand and accept . My family are OK about this decision because they know I've done my best for them and realise I have struggled with these feelings for most of my life but attempted to keep it to myself for as long as I could . They are more concerned about how I'm going to cope with my new life then being pleased to see the back of me , that is very comforting but I keep assuring them that I will survive , they still know I will be there for them as the will for me.

Life is full of regrets we can never get it right all the time , I feel I'm doing the right thing for every ones sake , and not just my own .

[Nikki A.]

Part of me regrets not coming out sooner. If I had come out much earlier my whole life may have been different, I might have transitioned.
However by waiting I did get married, had two great kids and had an OK life and set everyone on a good path. Now that my responsibilities are done, it's time for me to do what I want to do.

[Lana Mae]

Hi,Rosemary! Like Nikki, I was married had kids and my wife passed and the kids are grown! I did the male thing! Now it is time to explore the female/feminine side of me! If I had realized and came out early ? no wife, no kids! I think it has worked out well! No regrets! There is not two of me just two parts of a whole! I am enjoying the journey! I hope you are! Hugs Lana Mae

[2B Natasha]

Let's try 30 years LOL!! Yes. I do regret it to a point. Times where different back then. We all felt alone in our skin, in our homes, in our cities. Still. With that said. Yes I regret it. I wish I had come to know myself like I know myself now. I know my life would be different then it is now. And I have a great life now. Coming out earlier would have aloud me to possible transition and live my life as a female. But I'll never know and I'm ok with that. Perhaps I'll go down the transition road later

Cheers

[Rachael Leigh]

For me since I'm in the process right now as coming out to many people now I don't think doing it sooner would have made
much difference for me, oh sure I would be further into my journey but I'm just glad now that I'm no longer afraid to be
myself around people. It's been a great relief in many ways.

[Pat]

Regret is kind of a strong term. I came out at the time that was right for me. In wistful moments I might wish I had come out in my 20's, but there are so many positive things in my actual life that I'd never have done if I had done that. Regret is a sucker's game -- we all come out at exactly the right time. ;)

[Tahoegurl]

I really don't have regrets about coming out _ I am grateful that I am at a place where I have to the ability to do so. it isjust looking forward for me...projecting positive energy into the future...the past is the past...and my life has gone the way it has gone - I can't change any part of the past and it is what made me who I am today.

[RachelCD4]

Haven't had to worry about it yet. I am not in a relationship at the moment, and my immediate family is on a different side of the country (none of them know). The only people who know I crossdress are other crossdressers, and some admirers with whom I associate.

[sometimes_miss]

I'm not out, but the people I've told have NOT been accepting. Family was horrified, they gay people simply treated me as if I was gay but in denial. The people that I've tried to gradually try to find out how they felt about transgender/crossdresser/transsexual, well, lets just say that since they didn't know I was a crossdresser, they felt quite comfortable to tell me that they thought we're all perverted deviants. Some even believe that we're all pedophiles as well.
I'm sure that people will behave differently when they know who we are. They will probably often simply be polite, and not want to get into debates, but privately will most likely continue to believe what they already believe.
I made the mistake of coming out to my sister and mother without going through the process of bringing the crossdressing topic up in discussion gradually. I felt I didn't have a choice, because I really thought my wife at the time was going to tell them. So I gambled, and hoped their common sense would be what saved me.

I was wrong. Be careful. Once you're out, that's it. It can have a huge impact on your relationships, and you really have to decide if you are telling them because it will benefit THEIR life, or just your own. I think in many cases, we do it out of the desperate desire to be accepted as just another person, who just happens to crossdress. Instead, we become known as a perverted, crazy crossdresser, who just happens to be relative or friend. If you wish to be a front line soldier in the war to make us more commonly known, great. But know that you can't go back. You can escape your coworkers, you can leave behind your friends, but your family will always know.

[Zoe72]

I have come out to my wife and close friends. But i do regret not coming out to some friends earlier that i trust and love.
Could not come out to my family because they would not be excepting and are closed minded.

[jennifer0918]

Yes I do ,I wish I would have learned earlier in life to accept being a cd. To embrace my femme side before I got married

[Fiona123]

Yes, I regret that very much.

[ellbee]

Eh, my whole immediate family already knew from a pretty young age. :roflmao:

More of a DADT situation, though. It worked pretty well for all involved, I believe.


But in terms of friends/social life? *Really* wish I had come out in my 20's, instead of my early 30's.

Would have saved myself a lot of boredom & loneliness, really.

(Though probably would have had a lot more sexual experiences with men, too. Would that have been a good thing for me? Couldn't say. :strugglin )



I think Pat said it best...


Regret is a sucker's game -- we all come out at exactly the right time. ;)

[Robertacd]

I am not sure if I regret not coming out in my 20's or even earlier, but sometimes I do wonder what my life would have been like if I had. I am sure my life would have been totally different, I probably would have transitioned by now.

[savannaxdrsser]

I do have some regrets, only that there may have been a few people who would have been supportive and somewhat understanding. It may have changed my life, I would not have transitioned, but would have had a more time to explore all those confusing feelings. Right now I am happy for those few who know, accept and are supportive.

[~Joanne~]

I think coming out earlier would have relieved alot of stress, the hiding, the hiding of things, the quick changes, the list goes on and on but I think I would have made a much prettier girl when I was younger as to compared to now. I don't think I look half bad now but it sure would have been less makeup to get there then.

Plus had I done it a lot sooner, maybe i wouldn't have done all the purging that I did do and would still have some of those incredible heels and outfits that I had then.

[Stephanie47]

I know my thoughts may not be directly in response to your query. I had dabbled in my mother's lingerie draw when I was a teenager. Back in the 1960's men who wore women's clothing were deemed to be homosexuals. There was no resource material available at the time. No Internet. Even the Kinsey Report was kept behind the librarian's desk at the public library. There was great conflict in my mind. How could I lust after really good young women, movie starlets, etal and be homosexual? By certain events in my life wearing women's clothing was the furthest from my mind. That was especially evident when I was in the military and did an abbreviated tour as an infantryman in Viet Nam. While in the army I met a wonderful beautiful young woman. Those ghosts did arise in my mind. Do I tell her about my distant past? I decided since I had not had any urges to wear women's clothing I did not mention this piece of trivia.

After we were married my desire for the feel of nylon was rekindled. It may have been because my wife and I spent a lot of time perusing the lingerie racks at Macy's, Gimbels and other stores in mid town Manhattan and ultimately buying her sensual nightgowns. One day I slipped one my body and she found me wearing it. I told her I liked the feel of the nylon. We did end up incorporating nightgowns into "bedroom play." She and I ended up buying me several nighties, hosiery and a garter belt to wear.

My interests expanded into buying panties and slips, and, finally a bra. My wife could not understand any man would buy and bra when he had nothing to "pack into it." Good question. When we finally had "the talk" she indicated in a mental down time had she known she would not have married me. Needless to say we are still married. It's DADT. Her doubts diminished. If I had spilled the beans and brought up cross dressing, which neither of us knew anything about or the cause, we probably would not have married. By the time there was discussion we had a fine history. We raised a family. I have gone through breast cancer diagnosis with her. She has seen me through some ills.

Do I regret not telling her earlier? No. If I did I doubt we would have married. It can work out if there is sufficient positive history between the husband and wife. Yes, I wish she would be a participant. However, I respect her enough not to push something upon her that she has no interest in.

[Cheryl T]

Yes I do regret not coming out earlier.
Two things would have happened had I done it in my 20's.
1: I would have been able to shed all the guilt, shame and embarrassment that I felt all my life until I finally took the step to open that closet door.
2: I would have done electrolysis or laser at an early age and would have developed a more natural appearance. It would have meant less makeup to cover certain flaws, an emotional lift for me not always wondering if others could see through the makeup and detect that ugly facial hair and would have allowed me to be more focused on being me and not on the "coverup".

[Kayliedaskope]

There are times when I wish I had continued doing so at a younger age. Maybe if I hadn't let myself go, was in better shape, had less of my masculine looks and softer effeminate looks instead, I might have really tried harder to be passable like a lot of the ladies on this site are. Instead, I'm just a husky dude in a dress with no chance of even remotely passing. (This is also why I haven't uploaded any pictures.)

On the flip side of that, I'm comfortable being the way I am. I may never be able to physically look as gorgeous as someone who's been actively doing it for many years, but I still get that nice little thrill every time I slip on some pretty panties or a nice nightgown. Yes, I am a bit jealous of how beautiful everyone here looks, and more than a few times have wished I could look that good, but I'll take what I have and be happy with it, because I AM happy. What I'm doing feels good, I like it, and shouldn't that be what matters?

[SaraLin]

I don't so much regret not 'coming out' sooner as I regret not being able to come out sooner.

When I was young I knew that I was supposed to be a girl. God screwed up and wasn't about to fix it, so I had to deal with it.
For me to try to start living a life where I could express my feminine side - well, back then society wasn't nearly ready for the idea and I would have suffered immensely if I'd tried. So - I didn't.
By the time the world had changed enough to make being T* (even marginally) acceptable, a lifetime of male chemistry had done its damage to the point of making it too difficult and expensive to try.

I was born in the wrong body, at the wrong time, and with -um- "insufficient financial wherewithal" (I come from poor family).

Do I regret it? Every day.
Do I spend time on the 'what if' game? Not any more. That way has led me to need professional help in the past, and I didn't like what it did to me or those around me. I'm not going back there.

For whatever reasons, my life had taken the course it has. Rather than cry over what might have been, I count the blessings I do have - and softly work my way into a future that my loved ones and I can all be OK with.

Now if I were to hit a huge jackpot lottery, maybe - - -:cheer::pinktornado:

[Sarah Doepner]

Yes. But it has to be tempered by situation and environment.

But that would have required I understand and accept myself first. It would have been great to be out and about when I was thin with fewer wrinkles and my own hair. But as others have said, when I was younger there wasn't as much of an understanding about who crossdressers were and what we were attempting to address as we began our exploration. Even if I had been comfortable with myself it was obvious that my family, wife, friends and society in general was still in the dark and it would have been a much more difficult environment. While there is just as much to lose now, it's more likely that back in that day that it actually would have been lost.

I only hope that the young generation now attempting to come to terms with their gender identity don't face the same kinds of hurdles we old broads did.

[AlexisRaeMoon]

This is a tricky one. If I had come out in my early-20's, as many have said, I may not have married, had two great kids, and all the amazing things that followed. So, though I certainly missed some "prime years" for youthful crossdressing, I can't really complain about all the other good things that followed. But I have a tendency to believe that, as long as you keep on keeping on, doing what feels right for you, things eventually work out the way they're supposed to.

Through therapy, something I learned about myself is that there are many things that I could've handled in much more productive, healthy way. Almost everything, in some ways. The good thing is that identifying these patterns is helping make corrections moving forward, but in my darker moments, I tend to dwell on the many decisions I've made or situations I've been in that I now "regret" how I handled. This was really starting to get to me, but I realized that this was not productive. In fact, it even trigged a song lyric that has since blossomed into an almost complete song: "You are not the sum of all the things you didn't do." That's basically my motto at this point in life...

Do I wish I had come out to someone - anyone? - earlier about crossdressing. Probably. Yeah. But there's absolutely nothing to be done about it now, so in the immortal words of Elsa, "Let it go!"

[Teresa]

Sarah,
Your last paragraph makes an interesting point, we all hope the younger generation doesn't have the same problems . On the other side of that statement is the situation we have read from younger members that they are reluctant even frightened to get into a long term relationship because of the possible problems from their CDing .

I had two GFs who were OK with my CDing so it can happen, never give up the chance of a productive and happy marriage . Even in my situation not having my children and grandchildren would have been tragic , giving up every aspect of life for the sake of CDing is too much of a sacrifice .

[Periwinkle]

Welp, twenty years ago I was a baby. I didn't have the words to come out. XD

My mom also liked putting me in both boys' and girls' baby clothes, so I probably had no complaints.

[Jenny22]

I'm in my early 80s and still not out to family, only to a few forum sisters. Do I regret it? No.

[CONSUELO]

I admitted to my girlfriend that I was a transvestite. She wanted to go ahead and marry anyway but afterward, when I dressed she objected. I refused to back down and I dress openly but we have had many tense moments. My advice to unmarried cross dressers is to not marry. Even if you are open about your cross dressing, it will likely cause problems later on.

[StephanieCLT]

That's a tough question for me. My first thought was "definitely." I might have done some things differently and I'm certain it would have affected my dating processes. On the other hand, like someone said earlier, I look at what I have, largely from a family perspective, and I wouldn't give them up for the world.

[Tina_gm]

I can't honestly say how much more I would have come out, as I'm still generally in the closet with exception to my wife and 2 others. What I do regret is my denial to myself. My own lack of self acceptance and the internal battle I waged for decades. I lost that battle in the end and I gave up so much energy in fighting myself. It has also been one of the primary reasons for my alcoholism. And quitting that is yet another hard fought battle, that one never truly ends, although I've gotten to a fairly healthy place with it, but maintaining that place still takes some effort to. How much more if any I would have come out, who knows. But I do deeply regret my self loathing , self hatred battle to change what I cannot change.

[Micki_Finn]

No regret at all. It was very NOT OK to be a crossdresser when I was young. The only guys who dressed like women were mentally ill, at least as far as conventional wisdom held.

[Samantha Clark]

No I can't say I have regrets. I wasn't ready earlier, and I expect that the few I have come out to so far weren't ready either. I wish it could have been different, but that's the way it is and I accept it.

[Karen RHT]

If I kick the bucket tomorrow, I'll leave this world without any regrets. I do have a few disappointments that relate to my crossdressing. One is that it took so damn long for my wife to arrive at some level of acceptance, (over 40 years) and a second is that she continues to swing back and forth about what is acceptable to her. :confused2::struggling


Karen

[Rosemary+]

Thank you ladies for taking the time to reply to my post.
I hope to have some time tomorrow to answer a couple of queries

[gina shiney]

Late 70's was not a time to "come out" HIV was just rearing it head and hysteria was rampant. People didn't know anything like they know now, if you crossdressed or even wore makeup (while not being in entertainment) you would have been victimized. Crossdressers weren't accepted by the gay community (because most of us do not identify as such) and were called freaks, the gay community wasn't accepted either and what little acceptance they had wasn't shared openly. Your town/city might have been more accepting but here in this "city of churches" life was very dark.
(A wonderful word) If I was the age that I was then NOW things might have been different, my wife who accepts on one level might of still have committed to a life shared, I would have dressed around my children without the fear for them , my wife and myself.
These are more enlightened times and anyone living in them that HASN'T made a life under the oppressive thinking and self preservation of those unenlightened times have the freedom to live openly with LAWS that in theory protect them.
Do I regret no

[Kate J]

Yes Yes Yes Im now over 50 and it has been in my life on and of from the age of 8.

[Ina Girdle]

2 Minor regrets;

1st, All the shame, guilt and denial I carried around for so many years. All that time wasted not accepting who I really am.

2nd, Not telling my wife before getting married, you cannot admit to someone something you cannot admit to yourself first. I may not have had the opportunity to marry her if I had, and that would have been tragic.

i am still one foot in the closet, as my wife is the only one I have told / come out to and to online CD friends, I use a nickname and don’t have the courage to show a picture of myself.

Great thread, I have enjoyed reading the reply’s and agree wholeheartedly with many of them!

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I regret not experimenting more when I was young and liked what I saw in the mirror a lot more than I do now.

[GracieRose]

40 years ago crossdressing was much more dangerous than it is today because society's tolerance has changed (as has been pointed out by others here). If the amount of information that is available now was available then, and the tolerance level by the general public was where is i now (still far from where many of us would like it to be, but more tolerant nonetheless) I suspect that I would have integrated more feminine dressing and pursuits into my life. Do I regret waiting so long? My life is my life and I have a lot to be thankful for. Probably more to be thankful for than most of the world's population. I can't be sure if the peace that dressing gives me would have overcome the negatives that I suspect would have resulted from yesteryear's societal perception. No use dwelling on the past. Better to look forward. :)

[StarrOfDelite]

I'm one of those who wonders what might have been different about my life if I had come to earlier self-realization about my nature. I grew up under pressure to succeed and achieve in the classroom, team and individual sports, marry the cheerleader/homecoming queen, succeed in business by out-competing other alpha males, et cetera. I have children and grandchildren who would never had existed if I had understood certain events and feelings which I had several decades ago and acted upon them then, instead of when I was in my forties, so I never indulge in regret or wishing things had gone otherwise. But, occasionally I do wonder, as Robert Frost did, about the road not taken.

[Dana44]

Rosemary, when I was young we had to be men. There was no crossdressing. I did cross dress with my first wife as a young lad. But It wasn't normal back then. still it was fun. Even just a few decades ago, you could be arrested for crossdressing so we had to be closeted. But as the years passed it became more normal and we have far less fear being out and about.

[ellbee]

40 years ago?


Heck, even 15-20 years ago (mid-'90s - mid-'00s), it was still pretty tough.

And even back around 2009/2010 (? :strugglin ), I almost got into a fistfight because of CD'ing, simply minding my own business. And this was in "liberal" Massachusetts. ( :brolleyes: )



I'd say the bulk of it easing up was more like in the past 5-10 years. Though even now, you have some who are openly & vehemently against this stuff... Hey, their right, I guess.


No, it's never easy for an individual to come out. But, sometimes you just gotta. Just be sure to pick your battles -- and those who you come out to -- wisely. :)

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

Sarah #1 i regret not coming out until i was 55(now 62) to my wife and the world
#2 i regret that at that late stage in our married life(27 yrs) it was too late for my wife to start over and i have always felt she feels trapped in our marriage because of our ages.
my wife has become tolerant or even somewhat supportive but deep down wishes she had known this before she married me and could have made her choice then without the
burden's of family

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi RoseMary :hugs:, I came out to my new:love:Wife 54years ago it has been off an on over the years now it is a good
workable DA/DT she knows about everything but just don't want to see me while I am dressed. >Orchid...:daydreaming:...

[Rosemary+]

Hell ladies,
Thank you all for taking the time to reply to my questions
I suppose I should answer them as well.
I'm still very much in the closet, only a few close friends know about Rosie Do I regret not coming out earlier,, yes I probably do regret not coming out earlier. I was always the quiet effete boy of any social setting,, now I'm the quiet effete older person, I feel by not coming out when I was younger I probably could have followed the path of transition.i know it is still possible to transition, I'm 60 . I don't think I have the energy to go through with it all.

Thanks again

[Jane G]

No, I respect the wishes of my wife too much, no regrets life is not just about who I am. :) I thought very seriously about transition in my late 20's,to the point of taking hormones for some time. Now in my late 50's I'm very happy I did not. Guess my partner means more to me than transition.:thumbsup:

[Stacy Darling]

Mmm!
Well Rosemary, I do regret not coming out when I was younger as I do know that my life story would differ much! Very Much!
I probably would have been the best Drag Queen on Oxford street! ( Guarantee that! )

I do not however regret not coming out earlier as I would not have met you!
I also can deal with life's hazards better in later in life!

Love, Stacy xxx

[DMichele]

Rosemary,
So many thought provoking views have been expressed here. One that caught my attention was by Natasha that I too wish - ...I had come to know myself like I know myself now.

[Ressie]

I haven't come out to the world and I don't intend to. But I did share some things regarding dressing and wanting to be girl with certain people up to 47 years ago.

I don't regret coming out to a few people as it's something that shouldn't be totally kept inside. But I don't have any reason to "come out". Things change so I'm not saying never.

[josie_S]

Like Ressie, I haven't come out to the world and don't intend to. Maybe circumstances will change and I'll feel differently, but I doubt it.

That said I wish I *could* have come out when I was 19 or 20. Through a support group I dabbled with for about a week I met a crossdresser who was basically living full time then and she was awesome. She had a great job, her own extensive wardrobe, her own condo that was decorated very tastefully...if it wasn't for the expensive looking coffee table book of photography featuring pin up style pictures of crossdressers, it'd be difficult to know who lived there (I remember her flipping through that book and finding a gorgeous picture of a blonde in red lingerie and the caption reading something about how the model thought she could toughen up so she joined the Marines..).

My point being that what she introduced me to was how...normal it all was. I remember her feeling my waist and saying that I was lucky to be so small (that was 20+ years ago!) and how I didn't have much facial hair (again, 20+ years ago) and that I could, if I wanted, keep some stuff at her house. I still kick myself. I couldn't handle it all for a bunch of reasons, not the least of it being that my family would disown me (and the irony of course is that I'm distanced from them now anyway for entirely unrelated reasons), so I never called her again.

I wish I had been ready. But I wasn't. Part of me regrets that, in theory. But that might also mean I regret the rest of my life since, and I don't. I can't say that the life I chose to live has made me happier than the life I chose not to, but I am still happy that I crossdress, that I didn't flush it from my system like I hoped to back then and for years after.

I wish I had my tiny waist still though :bonk: