Not as big a secret as I thought

[leannejacobs]

Sitting this evening with my wife and her besty who both know I dress and I was asked by the friend if she could see some pics of me, dressed en femme obviously,, somewhat pleased with her interest and my wife's willingness to share I quickly selected a few tasteful pics on my iPad to show her, she was quite complementery about them so I was momentarily happy, then she stated that she had told her husband about my dressing a good while back, he's a very good friend of mine, I was a little taken aback.

To be fair the two of them are very open minded and he's never let on to me or said anything, I doubt he ever will unless I broach the subject, ironically I was in his car one day at the supermarket a long while ago before I'd even told my wife when a very badly presented crossdresser exited the vehicle in front of us, we were pretty dumb struck and nothing was really said, anyway, he's not a gossip and I trust his discretion completely, I'm not that surprised she told him tbh they are very close and tell each other everything.

So, if you ever tell your secret, be prepared for it to reach at least one other individual.

[Lana Mae]

Despite explaining away my nail polish, there are probably a few who have figured it out but are not talking about it! It could and maybe has happened! I will just have to live with it! Hugs Lana Mae

[Tracii G]

All you can do is deal with it.
He hasn't said anything then he must be OK with it so at least you don't have to tell him.

[Kelly DeWinter]

When I see statements like this

"...... a very badly presented crossdresser .........."

I realize how far we still have to go even within our own community.

When you say "we were pretty dumb struck and nothing was said anyway", keep in mind silence speaks volumes.

How can you will be certain considering his reaction ?

[Nikkilovesdresses]

So, if you ever tell your secret, be prepared for it to reach at least one other individual.

With the emphasis on 'at least'.

[leannejacobs]

When I see statements like this

"...... a very badly presented crossdresser .........."


When I say that, I mean I'm pretty sure it wasn't done as a bet given the age of the person, the attire consisted of a cheap nasty black curly wig, a very short yellow summery dress, black suspenders and stockings over very hairy legs and white pumps, the dress exposed the stocking tops and suspenders by quite a bit.

I hope I don't come across as disrespectful but the outfit just didn't work if the person was hoping to blend in any way at all, certainly not in a small narrow minded town in mid afternoon.
Fair play to her if it was a serious effort to out herself but I thought it was a terrible look.

His reaction,,, knowing what I know now was good, he kept quiet and didn't make a big deal of it.

[Aemilie]

Well this topic struck a chord, I thought just my wife knew, but she's super close to her mum, anyway I had to do some hedge cutting at the inlaws one day in the Summer all done no problem, next day my mum in law shows up with a parcel for me and it's a metallic silver party dress in my size with a big thankyou card in it, well I was shocked but she loves me and said "I'm glad you're happy", so there you go.

[Teresa]

Leane,
I've said this more than once , the circle is wider than you think , I guess the important point is you wife didn't mind him knowing.

I have to say the CDers that don't get it right fr whatever reason are the ones that can make it more difficult for the rest of us .

My wife was in conversation with some good friends, I can't say for certain if my wife has told them about me but for some reason she mentioned to my wife seeing a CDer in London . She was very tall and had a leather skirt on not much wider than a belt, the disdainful look my wife had while she was telling me is something I can't wait to get a way from . That is what we have to contend with, a GG can be tarty but if a guy tries it in the wrong circumstances then it's almost like a criminal offence .

Also please don't stop using your pictures , they really do a great job in showing people we can look good and be very acceptable.

[leannejacobs]

I'm just toying with the idea of just telling my son, he and I are home alone and I'm in that frame of mind to just blurt it out to get it off my chest, I've no idea how he'd take it though and until I say it I never will, we're very close and I think he'd be ok but who knows, I don't see him being disgusted by it but I think I'd have to do som careful explaining to him as to what it means and doesn't mean, as I said before I/we know he's dabbled himself with panties that we know of (a long time ago) so he may be quite receptive.
I'd hope that if I do tell him he'd have a bit more respect for my need for privacy and may understand why I interrogate him when he goes out as to how long he'll be etc. I'll think about it, I have a small window of opportunity here, I'll keep you posted.

No go unfortunately, I chickened out, it's getting close though.

[Jenny22]

Jeanne, as your wife knows of your CDing, I'd suggest you get her opinion and possible OK before you reveal to your son.

[Micki_Finn]

This is a good word of caution for those anxious to tell somebody. You can control who you tell, but you never know who they might tell.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Leanne :hugs:, Once you tell somebody it is no longer a secret!

See line #4 in my signature, ...:daydreaming:...

[sometimes_miss]

So, if you ever tell your secret, be prepared for it to reach at least one other individual.
I was once told, by a wise man, the exact number of people who know it, in order for something to remain a secret:

ONE.

Men bond with others by shared activities. Women bond with others by talking to each other, and it's not always important what it's about, as long as they're sharing some sort of information. As a teen, I was dismayed to find out that girls shared detailed information about the intimate behavior of their boyfriends with their friends. After all their insistence that boys should never 'kiss and tell', apparently, it's perfectly okay for girls to do it. And that extends to everything they like to talk about. Anything interesting, in order to keep the discussion going. As far as most guys? Most will try to patiently listen to whatever a woman will talk to us about, all in the hopes that eventually it will end in sex.

[Bobbi46]

Caution is the word here what you wish for is not what you sometimes get. Telling is a very nice thing to do and can take a heavy burden off your mind but when it comes to close family members that is where I think things can get a bit iffy. (you all know by now I am twice divorced and living on my own) I am out to everybody in my hamlet and all of the surrounding villages My niece/nephew and all of her family back in UK know about me. It was a big relief to get off my chest, to be able to tell them and be accepted at the same time. But here's the big if the big conundrum which is the crux of this thread.
Do I tell my son and daughter who live and work in England? for one simple reason after my first divorce it took me nearly 15 years or so to find her again and we have reconnected for just 4 years now, my son was moving around and difficult to get hold of so reconnecting with him is the same as for my daughter.
Do I tell them?
Do they really need to know?
And if I do tell them will I lose them again.
Is the risk too great? yes in many ways coupled with the fact they are hardly going to come into contact with somebody who might say to me Bobbi where's your skirt?.
So the real answer to this if there is no need to tell a close family member just to get it off ones mind then don't tell it will serve no purpose.
There is always that BIG danger that by telling you have lost all of what you had before.
No need? don't tell that's my advice.

[Teresa]

Bobbi,
I know we've compared stories before but it was a huge burden off my wife's shoulders when I finally told my son, her concern was we would be cut of from our grandsons if he went on to tell his wife. Surprisingly he did and now everyone in my immediate family know , and they all accept it as part of me.

As I repeatedly keep saying it's a big difference between them knowing about it and seeing me . My daughter and son in law have seen my pictures so they don't have a problem . I now know when I move they won't have a problem with me dressed in reality.

There are no rules, in this game, what works for one could fail big time with someone else , we don't know any families personally so can only make suggestions based on our own experiences .

[Bobbi46]

For some it is a difficult nut to crack as it is with me, I would love to tell them but would it back fire on me? I do not know.

[paulinescotlandcd]

Indeed, I recall reading many moons ago that for every one person you tell they will undoubtedly tell one other person, it is almost a given. I can confirm that of I think three people I have told two went on to pass on my"secret".

[Raychel]

These are factors we need to weigh out before we tell that secret for the first time.

For me it started when I told my wife
When I told here she almost immediately told her mother, and I have no doubt that her mother told people.
I have told a close friend, who has told other people,

As soon as you tell one person, you have to be prepared for the world to know.

For me I am at the point in my life that I am me, and whoever doesnt like me or the fact that I like to dress pretty,
well they are free to leave my life.

[Paige Dehart]

As soon as you tell one person, you have to be prepared for the world to know.
Raychel, This is not always true. I have known for well over 15 years and have told no one not even my mother. My SO came out of the closet and I went in to the one labeled secret. Why? Because it was not my place to say anything to anyone.

[Raychel]

I agree Paige, it does not always happen like it did for me.
But we have to be prepared for it,, in case it does. :daydreaming:

[CarlaWestin]

The telling thing. For those of us who have told our secret, we have a different story for each disclosure. I told my first wife who used it as divorce fodder so her immediate family and friends passed the naughty little secret around. I was up front with my tweener ('tween marriages) who thought it was sorta fun and funny except during a drunken rage when she blurted out that I was a latent homosexual. Simply not true but, like, so what. After telling my now wife life was like awaiting a thunderstorm to blow over. She's only talked about it to her therapist as she's sure her old world value family would only resort to ridicule. I've told many strangers so that's a thread that is impossible to follow. I've recently exposed a little to a professional contact. And, when I told my daughter, she was so happy and proud of me. Her mom (the ex) was mad and couldn't figure out why I would keep such a vile thing a secret.

So in conclusion, telling is just an unpredictable slippery slope. Never think that you can control it.

[Sarah Doepner]

I've let the secret out to a few select people in my life and I have no idea how far it has spread now. I told them I trusted them and asked they only share it with their spouse or another person who might actually need to know, but only after talking to me so I know how to respond to any odd comment I might get. Every one swore to follow these simple rules in respect to me.

It didn't work. It looks like it's well beyond that group now.

I haven't been uninvited anywhere. I haven't been assaulted attempting to enter anyone's home. I can still see all my grandchildren. I'm not being outed in social media.

Yet.

The future is not mine to see, so the only thing I can suggest is that when you tell someone else, you better be strong enough and secure enough in your self confidence that if it shows up on the evening TV news you will shrug it off and survive with a smile on your face.

[Stephanie47]

Once the cat is out of the bag it is no longer a secret. My wife knows. She told me her biggest complaint about my desires to wear women's clothing was her inability to discuss it with a confident. Basically, it became a secret for two people. There's a difference in keeping another person's secret. And, then there's the secret on my wife's part that she is "married to a cross dresser." Many times society infers there is something wrong with the wife because she stays with her cross dressing husband. Will she be shunned because of the husband? It happens. I do suspect many years ago my wife did say break down and say something to her very close female cousin. If she did there has never been any indication of it.

[Cherylgyno]

A number of years ago I was in my office at home. There was a knock on the door. Not thinking (I thought my wife was the only person at the house) I said come in. My sister in law opened the door and said that my wife wanted her to get me. I was in panic mode. SIL walks in and asked if I would go with her. She took hold of my hand. I went with her. All the time thinking it's not like I am hiding anything she can see what I am wearing. My wife came in from the patio. We had lunch, usual conversation. After lunch SIL was gone for a moment, I asked my wife about telling her sister. My wife was silent. SIL returned, wife asked SIL when she had told her. Answer was about 10 years ago.
The chat turned to my dressing. How long had I been dressing. What did I like the most about it. How was I able to walk in 5" heels.
SIL has seen me dressed many times since. I think that hugs have been firmer and longer. Then again that could be my imagination.
I asked my wife why she told her sister. She told me that it was a MOAS and should have expected her to share with her sister.

[Jenny22]

Except for a few forum sisters, no one else knows. I won't tell anyone. Even at my age, I do care. If you tell anyone, que' sera, sera.

[Richelle423]

My GF knows it her sister n family knows it people living upstairs know it n neighbors most likely know it since I walk my dogs wearing girl shorts. With t shirts all summer long. So far I only seen a smeark here and there but I'm always ready for brutal comments. I have never expierienced anything negative yet.

[jack-ie]

The MOAS comment by Cheryl intrigues me. We place a big burden on our SOs expecting them to protect our secrets. What we think is good for us is not necessarily good for them.
My ex had two very close girlfriends and tired of not being able to have them drop in or if they were out together and a friend was dropping her off, not being able to invite them in. What if her friend just wanted a quick trip to the restroom and I was in full Fem?
She cured that problem by confiding in them and it worked out very well. After the initial visits, it was as if what I was wearing was of little importance. These gals were also married and we often would go out as couples together and to my knowledge neither of them ever told their husbands. There might be a little good-natured teasing if say we were dancing, partying, one might pat my butt and whisper “Got your panties on, Jackie?” but it was all in good fun.
In hindsight, maybe expecting her to keep it all to herself was asking too much.

[JocelynJames]

Only my SO knows except for people here. Only one cd has met me in person and we were both in drab so it was out there. I've thought of telling my mom or my younger brother( out of my 4 brothers), but why? Everybody has enough stress
In their lives without mine. Initially it was rough for my wife and it would be worse if I was going around town and out ,
But that's not the case.

[alwayshave]

My SO knows, the members here and at my meet up group, the occasional uber driver and my mother.

[leannejacobs]

To date the people who know are my wife, her best friend, her husband, my mother and sister, a fem cousin of mine whome I've visited dressed and a fem work colleague, the only people who have seen me dressed in the flesh so to speak are my wife and cousin, I've shown pics to my mother, sister,my wife's friend and the work colleague and shared online Facebook pics, generally with my face blurred, so the circle is growing but I still feel relatively secure.

[Allison Chaynes]

It's great to know I am not the only one whose wife told at least one of her friends about. I'm pretty sure thevteo ladies I wprked with who knew didn't say a word to anyone, after all, they shared their own secrets with me that I kept confidential. I am worried though that if my mother in law figures it out (she may have already) that she won't keep it quiet, but I don't know.

[Marie-Jo]

Reading the thread, I started thinking "who know me as a crossdresser?" and then started to check that statement. Got stuck on - who is then me? Some write that members of this forum knows and in a way maybe, but that must be very few that knows both sides of the transgender person. I myself participates in a social group where I present as Marie but very few may have seen me in my man persona. They know that I'm not full time so they are aware of "the other" but in practice this other is unknown to them. Essentially, only my wife sees me as man and as transwoman. Some others have seen only a picture of Marie. That is just a glimpse of me as Marie, but it creates a certain awareness of me as CD.
As to the topic of the thread - about secret getting spread. Some years ago I made an animated gif from a photo of myself and a photo of my aunt when she was young. (You can see a non-animated version in https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?252393-Resemblance here). I thought it was a funny thing and sent it to a female cousin in the mail. A neutral comment came back and also mentioning that she had sent it to her brother. I didn't expect that, but had expected a question if I had any objectives of her sharing it. So next time I think of doing the same, I will certainly tell that I would like to have control of the sharing the other party would think was proper and suitable. Not that it meant any harm this time. Neither of them even mentioned it when we met later.