Telling friends that I CD

[Michal82]

Hi
I know this subject has been chewed on in this forum, but I wanted to share my personal dilemma.

I am a very open and honest person (a bad liar you might say), and I told most of my girlfriends over the years about my CD'ing, I told my mother and sisters about it when I was 18 yr old. When I started dating my wife, I told her after a month (she ignored & blocked it initially, but that dissolved over the years, but that's a different story).
But, my CD'ing was always indoors, in private. Just recently I started CD'ing around my wife when the kids are not in the house and I want out for the first time with a female costume. So telling close people I CD isn't a must.

Yet, somehow, I feel the urge & need to tell more people: my sister in law, my wife's girlfriend, a co-worker… (all women BTW. Do feel like sharing with men :eek: ). I once spoke to a therapist about this (back when I was single), and he suggested that I do that to create intimacy. I share my big secret. Hmmm… maybe that was true back than when I was single, but it doesn't feel right anymore, since now I want to tell women whom I have a close relationship. A different therapist asked me what would I talk about with those women, if they knew I CD. My answer was talking about girly things, like clothes and makeup, to which my therapist replied that I can talk to them about that stuff anyway, without telling them. :facepalm:
My wife doesn't want me to tell anyone, especially people she knows. I think she feels it projects badly on her, or maybe she still ashamed of it. And as you girls pointed out before, telling people you CD is irreversible.
I think that when I speak to women who knows about my CD (wife, sisters), the conversation can flow in to areas they would not normally go there when women talk to a men.. :confused: I don’t know, it still doesn’t account for my need to out myself.
I would love to hear your thoughts and comments..
Thanks, Michal

[Tracy Irving]

It would not be a bad move to listen to your wife.

[sometimes_miss]

I once spoke to a therapist about this (back when I was single), and he suggested that I do that to create intimacy.
Yep. You want to be liked for who you really are. I think that's pretty much how all of us feel. (except, of course, the really rotten people who DON'T want anyone to know how they really are!).

[Laura912]

You have a wife who is aware of your dressing and seems to accept it. Her only request is that you not tell a lot of people. Seems to me Tracy is right.

[PushupBraBro]

I also agree with Tracy and Laura. Your wife may not understand your cd-ing but accepts it. You may not understand her attitude, but you need to accept it as well, in my opinion

[Stacy Darling]

I'm a straight hitter generally yet have kept my "Stacy" held back partly!

Keeping yourself held back is to me the point where it breaks, it's where I broke!

I'm faking being tough enough at present!

My question is of can you take the repercussions ?
Stacy!

[Pat]

I don’t know, it still doesn’t account for my need to out myself.
I would love to hear your thoughts and comments..

I'm not a therapist, but I'd say if you accept this as part of who you are, then your reason for wanting to "out" yourself is to be able to live honestly. At base, that's the reason I came out -- it started to bother me that my loved ones did not know me. If I were to die, they would find evidence of my "secret life" and it would be difficult for them to process without thinking I had concealed myself from them (e.g. the people I love most in the world would think I never loved them enough to tell them who I am.) Now at least they'll know who I am and realize this part of my life brings me great joy which I can share with them.

As to feeling the need to go out in public, it's more of the same -- it's very affirming to walk out into the world and have people see *you*. For some folks, being unable to do that feels like they're being dishonest and hiding behind a disguise 24/7. You open by saying you're an open and honest person, so projecting an image of yourself that you feel is not true can be very hard.

[Stephanie47]

Listen to your wife. Your wife probably feels a lot of negativity may flow from telling others. Will she lose friendships? Will she be shunned? Do you really expect her to hold up her end of a conversation with others concerning why you do what you do? That makes cross dressing a burden for her. And, do you really believe women sit around and just talk about the latest bra and panty or makeup they bought? Women may get pretty upset with you if you want to talk "girlie" things with them. If you want to burst out of your shell why don't you find a support group to attend? Or just go out and interact with people who you not encounter again.

[Micki_Finn]

It seems that you’re laboring under the illusion that if you come out to these women they are going to squeal with delight and immediately launch into a discussion of make-up and panties. In reality, they are just as likely to be creeped out and not want to talk to you anymore at all. To be honest, I think your therapist is right. It sounds like you’re casting about for intimacy (that doesn’t necessarily mean romantic).

[Bobbi46]

Don't do it listen to your wife, her needs must come first apart from the repercussions in this I am referring to parents and other close family relatives are they all going to be supportive probably not some will but it does not end there the telling will spread throughout all your friends, neighbours co workers all sorts of people and not all of them will see it your way.
Not all telling has a happy ending.
Stand by your wife and heed her advice

[aprilgirl]

It would be wise to respect your spouses wishes. Her acceptance is a gift, and one that shouldn't be taken for granted. Kudos to you for telling her very early on when dating. You said that telling others that you CD isn't a must, in spite of the urge, so I believe you already know what to do.

Welcome to the forum, Michal.

[Lana Mae]

Welcome, Michal! I agree with the others listen to your wife and respect her wishes! Hugs Lana Mae

[CONSUELO]

Michal,
Interesting that you told your wife about your cross dressing before you were married and she seemed uncomfortable with it or just tried to ignore it, yet she decided to go ahead and marry you despite what she knew. I have come across a similar response to and admission of cross dressing and I do not understand it.

[Jaylyn]

I would and have found that what the wife says is not always a bad idea. If it brought repercussions on her in any way then you would probably be the one to get the blame. Remember you and her are in on this together.

[cdmelissalaquinta]

Listen to your wife... Women may get pretty upset with you if you want to talk "girlie" things with them. If you want to burst out of your shell why don't you find a support group to attend? Or just go out and interact with people who you not encounter again.

I agree with Stephanie, up to a point. My guess is that most support groups for trans women will give you a more than adequate forum for discussing girly things, especially since many of the other folks in the group probably feel just like you. On the other hand, why waste your time and energy interacting with people you won't encounter ever again? Anyway, good luck and I hope whatever you decide to do will bring you peace and happiness.

[Teresa]

Michal,
Telling people is part of the process of coming out, if they can accept it you can accept it that's basically how it works.
Naturally you and your wife will be on different agendas , by coming out you are reducing the level of shame and guilt, it will have the opposite effect on your wife, because she's not wired like you so will never fully understand .

It isn't important what gender your therapist is, they are all professionals and have heard it all before.

It may help to find a social group, many wives/partners accompany their CDing partners , I spend as much time talking to them as I do the CDers. They often enjoy some girly talk about clothes ,shoes and makeup.

What many of us strive for is a balance, we can't always achieve that in a DADT situation, if your wife has a cut off point you have to respect it. In the end I had to find ways to work round it but finally going out socially was the real answer.

[leannejacobs]

In my experience there are levels of acceptable exposure, I over stepped that level with a fem co worker, she was ok with my dressing and grateful of my trust in her but I proceeded to show her one too many pics of me dressed, she thought it odd that I was so willing to share, she's now gone cold on me and although still pleasant she doesn't chat the same any more which is a real shame, we got on so well.
So, if you do share your secret be aware of just how far you go.

[Micki_Finn]

In my experience there are levels of acceptable exposure, I over stepped that level with a fem co worker, she was ok with my dressing and grateful of my trust in her but I proceeded to show her one too many pics of me dressed, she thought it odd that I was so willing to share, she's now gone cold on me and although still pleasant she doesn't chat the same any more which is a real shame, we got on so well.
So, if you do share your secret be aware of just how far you go.

I haven’t exactly come out to a lot of GGs, but I imagine that this would be a pretty typical reaction, especially from one you’re not especially close with. People like your co-workers, wife’s friends, and sisters-in-law probably really don’t care enough about your personal issues to want to hear them. If you REALLY need to tell someone, consider a therapist.

[Tracii G]

I find just blurting it out people get annoyed just a little.
Its like just meeting someone for the first time and they just HAVE to tell you they are vegan.
Most won't care, some will think you are odd and there is something wrong with you but thats the chance you take.
I have been thru the "I need to tell everyone" phase because is it really anyone elses business?

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Michal :hugs:, See line #4 in my signature first...:daydreaming:...

[Kayliedaskope]

There's an old saying that goes, "Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in."

You have to consider not just the repercussions on your life, but on your wife's life and your family's life as well. Not everyone's life changes for the better once you're out or outed. There are people who will accept you, others who will decide to quietly back away from you, and still others who will see you as some kind of freak. You may get hassled at work, at school, at church, at the grocery store, or simply walking down the street. Then again, you may not. But the possibilities of that happening become greater because you are "not following society's norms."

The repercussions your wife may have to deal with are also multifold. "I love all of you, you're now a better and more complete version of yourself" is only one side of the coin, the side we all want to see. The flip side of that is, "I didn't sign on for this, you're not the same person I married," which sadly, too many here can relate to. You've come out to her, she knows,and is at least accepting of it - take that and hang onto it like the precious treasure it is, because others aren't so lucky.

Step lightly, sister ... respect not only thy inner woman, but the one who bears your last name.

[Tracii G]

Oh and don't buy into the old line" If I don't tell everyone I will be living a lie".
You can not tell and live your life just fine.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Listen to your wife. You should keep it private, unless you feel you are a TS and have to go fulltime etc.

Even if you feel you must tell others... do not tell your coworker! Bringing it into the workplace is a very bad idea, for many reasons. Leave work and your private life separate.

[BarbraAnne]

The last ten years that I worked in a retail store, I never tried to hide my crossdressing. I didn't come right out and tell anyone, but I didn't hide it. It was just a part of me, It was who I am. I never received any negative reactions from my co-workers, even when I tried on clothes or heels or bought lingerie.

[Paige Dehart]

You say " telling close people I CD isn't a must." and "My wife doesn't want me to tell anyone, especially people she knows." so honor your wife's stated wishes in this matter. It costs you nothing to do so and gains you her continued acceptance.

[docrobbysherry]

I suggest telling people on a "need to know" basis. Michal. If u plan on coming out? Tell everyone. If not, don't anyone that doesn't need to know.

One thing you're forgetting is the burden u put on everyone u tell. Because u want them to keep your secret. If u think about it? If you're in the closet, telling folks that don't need to know is very selfish!:sad:

[Becky Blue]

As they say in the classics a happy wife is a happy life... seems to me compared to many you have it quite good, I would listen to her and keep her happy.

[Michal82]

Hi everyone
Thank you for your responses & insights. :)

I felt the urge to tell certain people, yet I haven't found a good solid reason to do so, so I didn't. Which usually indicates to me that I am about to do something wrong. your responses have shown it very clearly - it's always good to get a second opinion.
And yet, the urge still bothers me. :sad:

I think (or at least believe) that I if I tell people that know me well, they will accept my CD. I have no illusions that they will compeletly accept it & start talking to me about panties and make-up (I never herd two women talking about their panties :p ). But I do believe it opens some topics that are not usually discussed with men, and builds a place where I can speak more freely to some people, without censoring myself.

I do respect my wife, so I take her advice and wishes very seriously. There are several red lines which I know I shouldn't cross.
BUT, my wife's acceptance is slow and gradual process. I if won't try to push the boundaries every once in a while, I would have held myself in all these years. It's a thin line.
CD is how I define myself. I don't display it to all people, but it is a part of me. So there has to be a space for that in my relationship with my wife, and slowly there is.
People change over the years - that's inevitable. But if you keep an open line of communication with your SO, the change would be gradual and (sometimes) in consent.

Maybe someday when we're both grey and old, I could go en-femme publically without saying it's just a costume. ;)
Until then, it's one step at a time.

:kiss: Michal.

[Rhonda Jean]

I'm totally against telling, and I don't get it. Once you tell, you have zero control over who knows. Everybody you tel will tell somebody else. With social media, they could tell, essentially, everybody. Nobody you tell will understand exactly what you mean. Everyone will have their own interpretation, and it's likely that none of those interpretations match yours.

If you're doing it so you can talk clothes and makeup... good luck with that. Besides, isn't that kind of a shallow reason to reveal something so deep? Besides talking about it, what is it you want to do? If you want to wear makeup, wear it. Whatever it is you want to tell them you do, just do it, if you really want them to know. That takes away a lot of their speculation and guesswork.

[Krisi]

Your wife is correct. Don't tell. This is something that affects her as well as you.

My basic rule is, don't tell anyone who doesn't need to know. In this case, nobody but your wife needs to know. And as others have pointed out, once you tell anyone, you've lost control of who knows.