Recently found out my husband crossdresses & Need advice

[Deannaslife]

It's been a week since I discovered my husband of thirty years, is a crossdresser. He said its
been going on for fifteen years. He also told me he also dresses up and meets men.
They get together in hotels,apartments etc. It was a big shock for me on many levels.
The worse part is the dishonesty, and the fact he has been lying to me for so long.
If he only wanted to crossdress that would not be that big of a deal, but since
he has been with men for the past 15 years that is really
hard to deal with. He does not want our marriage to end. For me the trust has been
broken. He does say he will stop crossdressing and seeing men. Is it that easy to stop?

[SherriePall]

I thought I could offer you some comfort and advice after reading the first two sentences of your post. Because I told my wife nearly 25 years into our marriage. However, I had never been out of the house at that point and I have never met up with a man even now after nearly an additional 20 years. I can't offer any advice, but I am sure others here can, especially some of the SO's in our group. I only can wish you the best and hope that everything works out for the better.

[jhasmine]

This is a touchy subject. I will answer part of this with my own opinion. Is it that easy to stop? Not for me because I don't want to. Each person is different.
Can you ever be happy seeing him dressed up? Remember to think about yourself first and how you feel about things. If you, yourself are comfortable with things or not, let him know both sides but also remember that he has to think of his happiness as well. If you guys can come up with a suitable compromise and be happy together, that is great. If not, then you can still remain friends and go your separate ways. This is not something that is easy to do if you think like I do. I tend to think about my SO's feeling more than my own which is why it took me so long to tell her that this is what I wanted to do. I did not meet other men because that is not why I dress up. I am still married to my wife and we go everywhere while I am dressed up or not. She encourages me to dress up because she likes my attitude when we go out like that.

I tried to touch upon the topic of him seeing other men but that is an issue that requires more information than just seeing other men and could drastically change the advice and opinions of many so I would rather not respond to it with so little information but I will put something about it below.

Here are some questions to ask:

Ask yourself: Can you forgive the lies?
Ask him: What were you doing with the men?
Ask yourself: can you forgive his acts with those men?
Ask yourself: can you live with a CD husband? if not
Ask him: Are you comfortable giving up CDing?

[aprilgirl]

Hi Deanna,

I'm sorry to hear about your recent discoveries, which no doubt were a shock to you. It's a common refrain among wives that it's not the crossdressing in and of itself that's the biggest issue, but the dishonesty involved. Kudos to you for doing some research to try to gain a better understanding of the situation.

Regarding your question about stopping, it's likely he will say about anything to keep the peace at home, especially if he was caught (not sure how you discovered). Everybody is different, but forever is a long time, and cross dressing isn't easy to give up. Perhaps with open and honest communication, now that his secret is out, you two can find a balance that will work for you as a couple, but it won't be easy. The meeting up with men is something I can't relate to, and afraid I can't offer any advice towards. I'm a little surprised he admitted doing so, but at least you know what you're up against. You may want to consider going to couples therapy with someone who is familiar with gender identity issues.

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Deanna,

I'm sorry you find yourself in this position. I wish I could offer you some words of encouragement with respect to stopping but I can't. This site is rife with discussion of that particular topic and most here would agree that the urge to crossdresser is an innate part of who we are. It's how we are wired do to speak. Trying to stop has been compared to trying to change your eye color or blood type.

I wish you the best of luck. It's good you found this site. There are some really wonderful people here who can be a great help to you as you try to sort this all out.

Elizabeth

[Joni T]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and wish you good will in the future.
To all the cd'ers out there, this is the epitome of why you must be up front with your wife/SO from the git-go. Once the trust is gone, good luck getting it back. Without trust, there can be no relationship.
Again, to the OP, my heart goes out to you. You might want to have your man checked for STD's. I'm just sayin'......
Jon

[Jaylyn]

Deannaslife at least you are you looking for answers and that's a start and good in my opinion. I agree with you in thinking it is dishonesty but it could be that he was afraid to tell you. I know my had suspicions about me but I always kept most of my CDng hid from her until we were well into our marriage years. Inside I felt ashamed that I wanted dress in comfortable clothes that she got to daily. Some of her dresses and undergarments made her look so hot and attractive that I felt I wanted to experience that also. I said well into my marriage it was really about fifteen years in when one night she asked me if I wanted to wear some of her lipstick as I stood there and watched her apply it to her own lips. WOW I said would love to try it. She fixed my makeup and told me that she always thought under my hard farm/rancher type exterior that there was a soft side of me. I really think mine all started back with my mother letting me play in her things and she even painted my toes and nails when I was very very young. She let me play dress up in her old women's hats and I even had a doll dressed in red satin pajamas. I slept with it carried it around and acted like it was my baby. Mom let me but dad put a stop to it or at least tried.
I quit for a long time but then teen years I started sneaking in to moms things again.
To this day I feel I need a little time in something soft, silky, and femme.
I'm still rough on the outside but need this inner me to take over some times.
I can't say what you need to do in your case with your husband but please keep an open mind. I'm now in my late 60s and love soft things on my skin. I think many older guys turn to softness no matter how tough their skin is on the outside.
My case is similar in your husbands dressing but I've never met another man or woman for that matter but I've fantasized about it. I went thru a time where I felt I was less of a manly man because of this dressing. I think that deep down this is why I once was a dare devil type guy because I had convinced myself I was not the tough guy I appeared to every me else.
I didn't really care for a while if I lived or died when I was rodeoing, playing football, or even doing crazy crap like jumping off cliffs at the lake. I was the one that always jumped first.
I quit CDng many times but it has always returned but at least I can control it better by under dressing but it seems that sometimes I just have to let the beast out and dress to the top and the feeling to dress will vanish for a week or so.
Hope this helps but just remember to keep the line of communications open between you two.

[Tracii G]

Sorry to hear you were lied to by your husband.
By being with men was it other men that crossdress?
Were they sexual encounters?
Just being with other men that crossdress that doesn't mean they were having sex many CDing men meet up just to hang out and sex is never the driving factor.
Many go to Transgender group meetings and those are more like therapy where they talk about things.
I think we need a little more information to really be able to help you deal with this.
How was your relationship before you found out?
Were you the nagging wife that never would let him enjoy life?
Did you share feelings regularly? Likes and dislikes?
I ask these questions because it helps to know the situation.

[Sissy_Michelle]

Deannaslife,

My heart and prayers goes out to you and your family. Thirty years is a long time, and to find out that half of that time he has been lying to you makes matters worse. I am sure that a lot has been affected by his actions, feelings, children and possibly grandchildren... With all marriages there are good days and bad how deeply the both of you love each other will depend of your story continues. I have read quite a few posts here on this site with the same general topic " my husband is crossdressing what do I do " or " my wife caught me dressed and am no longer allowed at home."

Will he be able to stop dressing? There is a good amount of statical data on this site to say No he won't stop. Maybe for a short time, but ultimately he will return to what he was doing before. Whether y'all seek professional counseling or he use of family and friends. You both need to communicate with each other and try to rebuild the trust that was broken. No it won't be easy. A lot depends on you if you want your story to continue.

I keep nothing from my wife. I tell her everything, she knows all my passwords and all the websites I visit. When she found out before we married, she set some ground rules. Rules that were fair and we have adjusted over the years. I do not wish to transition. Mary Kay doesn't sell enough product to make me passable. I am happy to get the chances to dress when I do and the outings/adventures that we discuss prior to me leaving the house. She does support me but does not want to partisapate or be around me when I do dress. And I respect her wishes just as she respects mine.

I wish you the best of luck

@--}-----
Michelle

[Stacy Darling]

I don't deny that you may be going through a difficult time! I came out to my wife and can feel some of her discomfort and pain!

Without knowing full facts it can be hard to have a moral say on this so won't!

Dishonesty? well fair enough! and no I didn't tell my wife about my new skirt ($6 and gorgeous) but what is wrong with that?

I will also add that I would quite happily meet up with some of the ladies here in hotels or apartments!, I'd prefer a piano bar though!

But is your husband sleeping with the others ? That may be the question you need to answer! " I'm a Pretty little Sissy which could spend a night with ten other CD's just painting nails or doing make-up" just me though! ( and that leg rub! )

Stacy!

[~Joanne~]

It sounds like CDing isn't the problem here, cheating on you for 15 years is and I think that's what needs to be addressed right away.

[Tina_gm]

Hi. Sorry to hear about all of the dishonesty. Tragically for many of us, it becomes a survival mechanism early in our lives that carries through to adulthood and committed relationships.

While he says he will stop, that is not likely, forever anyway. He may stop but may also become very irritable and downright miserable in doing so. Very rarely will a crossdressers stop and be totally ok with it.

As for meeting up with men, assuming it was in some way sexual, well then there too, his sexuality is something other than straight. He may stop that as well, but will likely feel similar frustrations of not dressing. From what you've said, it appears he combines the two, so just dressing without male encounters may not be as satisfying for him.

There are more cders who are not attracted to men than are, and many who are often only have encounters while dressed, as part of the female experience as has been described by many who do. Some though are gay or bisexual regardless of cding. The honesty of your husband from this point on for your own sake, and a true right to know of your husband's sexuality, along with his gender variance. Some of us have more variance than others.

From this point forward for you, there is no right or wrong, except for what that is for you. It isn't wrong for a woman to want a husband who has no gender issues or same sex sexuality. And it's not wrong if you can be with a husband who has these issues. Take some time for yourself to know what is right for you.

[Tracii G]

I must interject here that his CDing has nothing to do with his sexuality.
Because a man crossdresses does not mean he is gay in fact over 90% of crossdressing men are straight and married.
Gender identification and sexuality are not the same thing but many don't know that and assume a man that wears womens clothes must be gay and want to be a woman.
So food for thought Deanna if you liked to wear mens jeans,pants or shirts would that make you a Lesbian and make you want to become a man?
See my point? I hope so.

[Faith Noel]

Hi Deanna, I am sorry to say this but a tiger never changes his stripes. First off you need to think about what you want from the marriage. Then he has to decide what he is willing to do to save it. If you can't get past his indisgressions. There will alot of hurt and resentment.(been there done that) If you can set some guide lines he can follow and you allow him to dress maybe it will work. As long as he is not acting out. Another thing you and him should get tested,just so you have a base line and peace of mind. Im sorry if I may seem blunt, but this is very hard for you to deal with Im sure. My marriage didnt make it,but found a wonderful lady who accepts me as me. Wish you the best . Faith

[RADER]

Hi Deanna;
I can under stand your concerns. My wife was OK with my dressing, as long as it stayed at home.
I also made a promise never to lie to her; And I held it to the day she passed.
Trust is a very sacred thing; though to keep, easy to louse.
You man will never lose his taste for dressing, I hope he loses is interest in men.
Best of luck, I hope the two of you can work out a compromise, A Marriage is something that
should be kept. Maybe have some ground rules, like dressing only at home only.
Rader

[Tina_gm]

I must interject here that his CDing has nothing to do with his sexuality.
Because a man crossdresses does not mean he is gay in fact over 90% of crossdressing men are straight and married.
Gender identification and sexuality are not the same thing but many don't know that and assume a man that wears womens clothes must be gay and want to be a woman.
So food for thought Deanna if you liked to wear mens jeans,pants or shirts would that make you a Lesbian and make you want to become a man?
See my point? I hope so.
While there is much truth to this, and in so proving this, you see often very masculine gay men and effeminate lesbian women, which right there is proof that gender and sexuality are not one in the same.

What is also true though, and there is a lot of threads on this in here is that for some members who do have same sex attraction, Tracii not being one as she has written about, but for some on here, they do only act on it, or fantasize about it only while dressed. Or at the very least that is only when they acknowledge it to themselves. New s.o. partners while reading here and looking for that subject will inevitably come across those who will state "only when dressed" so that does feed into it. And, it is my personal belief that there is at least somewhat of a higher percentage of S.S.A. among gender variant people, or at the very least more who are willing to acknowledge it.

[sometimes_miss]

We could discuss the 'honesty', 'lying', etc. but you can find very well done discussions about that on other threads, just look through the past ones on this forum.

As far as him stopping, he might be able to, but that won't take the urge to do so, away. So you need to find out his motivation for crossdressing, and his motivation for seeking out men. Only then will you be able to address either. Also, did he ever WANT TO crossdress earlier? I wonder why he only started doing it 15 years ago. Few of us just spontaneously start crossdressing later in life, though it does happen occasionally.

One last thing: He's the same guy you've always known. Only your perception of who he is, has changed. For all those years, you were content with the life you two had together. So examine just how much this 'new' revelation will actually effect the rest of your life. Even though it's something that can be very upsetting, as it involves changing how you think of what he is, for the most part, how he interacts with you hasn't really changed much if at all.

Briefly, we all tell others what we think will be important for them to know about us. No one can tell everything we've experienced or felt in our lifetime; it's simply impossible. So we tell a truncated version, usually only the good stuff, and hope for the best. As your marriage has lasted a good, long time so far that way, seems it was working for you. You have to go by how much you need him to be the person that you WANTED him to be, in order to be content.

[Tahoegurl]

Hi Deanna,
I appreciate your honesty and candor to come here and look for some perspective. I was given advice some time ago...do I want to be married to this person, if so be married, if not then move on. If you want to stay married then talk to each other, counseling if need be. This is between you and him. Act with dignity and grace above all else. I wish you the best in this opportunity for personal growth.

[ellbee]

I believe the OP needs to clarify this "meeting/seeing men" thing...


As in, sexually? Or, simply getting together with other CD'ers for an entirely-innocent girls' night out? :strugglin

Cuz there is a big difference.



Anyway, do crossdressers ever stop dressing? Sure, it's easy -- I've done it plenty of times! ;)

Seriously, though, I suppose everyone is different. And some have gone years (like me) or even decades without dressing. But it's not something like "merely" kicking a bad habit.


There can be natural changes to the *degree & frequency* of dressing, of course. In my younger days, for example, I'd get completely dolled-up up & join up with friends (men, women, CDer's, non-CD'ers, etc.) for a night out. But these days, I'm perfectly content throwing on some women's leggings & a hoodie -- in guy-mode, without all the "extra stuff."

Will I someday want/need to return to the old days? I suppose it's always possible. At the same time, it's like, "Meh, been there, done that."


Honestly, I believe this is with me for life, personally. It may ebb & flow over time, sometimes laying dormant for quite a while. But it's just one innate part of me... I've "kicked" plenty of things, but this one ain't going anywhere.

Eh, whatever. Could be worse!



But, yeah... If the OP doesn't mind, I believe some clarification re: the "seeing men" thing is needed. If it is what I think it may be, then yeah, that's obviously a big issue if one isn't into an open marriage.

Please keep in mind that not all CD'ers fool around with others -- and not all those who fool around with others, are CD'ers.


Oh, and welcome! It's probably a good thing that you signed up here, seeking some understanding & insight. :)

Now if you don't mind, I'll step aside for the incoming GG's to take over, who are much better at this kind of thing, IMO... :wave:

[jennifer0918]

Can I be Frank and you Deanna? He will never stop,I always said" ok this it I'm going to stop!"then the fog comes upon me and faster then you can say clearance @ bebe iam back at it,but it's hard to stop. You state he would meet men, for what?are these men other crossdressers? This is a tough one, keep an open mind don't limit yourself to one style because we are all different and the Transgender umbrella is vast keep open all communication with him get informed and then make a wise decision to keep your marriage or move on with your life,yes it's tough be strong.

[Deannaslife]

Thank you so much for your support and kindness. It was so helpful. ( group hug)
To answer a few of your questions.
How did I find out? I was in the garage and found a box with a wig and some very sexy lingerie
skirts, tops and condoms. I asked him about it and he said , I wanted to tell you this for a long time but
felt so embarrassed. He told me he loves to dress up very sexy and turn men on. He said it is mostly
touching. Right now I don't know what to believe since he lied so much to me. He said he did not get together with
other cd's. He put an ad on Craigslist and found men that way.
I have given it a lot of thought and can honestly say it is not the crossdressing that bothers me, it is the
fact he has been with men for 15 years and lied to me about it. If he told me he just wanted to crossdress
I know I could have accepted it.
Yes, we have grown children and four grandchildren.

- - - Updated - - -

When it comes to crossdressers or anyone else I do not generalize. I do not assume that every man who crossdressers wants to be with a man. That definitely is not the case. I was simply referring to my own situation.

[Bobbi46]

Deanna,
I fully understand the anguish this causing you but one thing that alarms me a bit is the fact that you mention apart from the clothing having found condoms this to me suggests that all is not as plain as he is making out, if he is just meeting other CD's then why the need for condoms ? there is something else going on here apart from just dressing, are we looking at gay sex as well?
Also I feel sorry that you discovered this alter ego of your husband, I wish you well.

[Kayliedaskope]

I was about to mention the condom thing, too, but Bobbi got there first. I purchase condoms, too, but it's for keeping my toys clean than for doing the deed with someone else. Unless there were some toys in that box, too, something else may be going on besides just the dressing and teasing. Might also ask him to show you one or two of those ads he was placing, too, and the responses he got. Just me, but I don['t think he's going to quit either of his behaviors.


This is a tough one, Deanna, but I'm glad that you were brave enough to come here and ask for help and advice. Good luck to you, and hopefully you've gotten some good information from those of us here.

[Michal82]

Hi
Let me offer my 2 cents.
I'll try to break the dillema to 2 parts:
Cheating - if you found out he was seeing women (for sexual porpuses or otherwise), Could you forgive him? Do you love him enough to open an honest discussion about what's bothering him & work on it togther? Is he willing to change things for you?
Crossdressing - i agree with the common idea that crossdressing never goes away (no matter what he sais now). So are you willing to accept that part in him? Can you accomedate that part of his life? the GG's (the wives & girlfriends) who visit this forum can tell you more about the pro's and con's of living with a crossdresser.

Restoring the trust is hard, but i think it's a key to good & healthy relationship.
Are you willing to mend your relationship? Is he?

I wish you both well, in whatever path you'll take.

Michal

[ellbee]

When it comes to crossdressers or anyone else I do not generalize. I do not assume that every man who crossdressers wants to be with a man. That definitely is not the case. I was simply referring to my own situation.

No need for that. Already understood. :)

I just thought I'd mention it for other wives/GF's who may be reading this & are new to the whole CD thing.

And also, because while the two components (CD'ing, and infidelity) are partially linked in your situation, at the same time, they're also two separate things, too. Which makes this all the more complicated.


Anyway, I've been cheated on before. "Only" a serious BF/GF relationship when I was younger, but getting cheated on still sucks, regardless if there's a ring on your finger or not. So I understand part of what you're going through.

I'm also a bit ashamed to admit that while single, I was the "other man" fooling around with a GG who was in a long-term relationship. Not something I'm proud of.

In addition ( :( ), I was once the "mistress" of an openly-gay man who had a life-partner of some 15+ years. Though I believe in that case, his partner "tolerated" the occasional short-term fling, as long as it was "safe." A semi-open relationship, if you will. Of these instances, this was the only one where my crossdressing was involved... I probably wouldn't have done anything if I didn't "get" to get all dolled-up first. So, I kinda-sorta know where your hubby is coming from, too. And for the record, I don't really see myself wanting to be with any men anymore... But that's just me.


Yes, people cheat, for all sorts of reasons. And I honestly believe that most (if not all) who are actively involved (including the "other person"), do genuinely feel guilty/ashamed about it deep down, that it's not "fundamentally right."


Anyway, I hope your husband is now through with the seeing of men. Plenty of marriages have survived infidelity -- as long as the guilty-party shapes up, and realizes what could have been lost & how much they hurt their spouse. Sometimes it takes a strong wake-up call in order to get one back on the right track, with the relationship eventually coming out stronger than ever.

Obviously yours is not the typical case. Two separate issues -- yet also partially linked. He'll probably "quit" dressing, at least for a while. But odds are, it will eventually come back. What then? Will he still want to explore his sexuality? And not to be too graphic, but would you be willing (at some point, assuming the marriage survives & thrives), to "kink it up" to some degree & help unconventionally indulge him in the bedroom, as long as you're comfortable with it? Would something like that quell his urge to stray?

Honestly, maybe all these years he genuinely wanted to share this part of him with *you* (crossdressing, submissive bedroom play), but was afraid to, in fear of what you would think of him? But instead, he stupidly chose to seek it elsewhere -- and here we are today. I'm not trying to make excuses for him or put words in his mouth, and I have no idea if he much prefers "the real deal" (as opposed to just, um, toys)... But perhaps this is how he rationalized it, as it can be quite difficult for those men who are crossdressers (and maybe have unconventional sexual desires, on top of that) to come out to the most-important person in their life, as weird as it may sound.


Okay, enough rambling. I don't know if any of that helped at all. :o


*Paging the GG's... Paging the GG's, please pick up the nearest white courtesy phone...*

[Bobbi46]

The point I make here is how far has he gone with these other men, the condom thing is a big condemnation of what he is up to and why. If it has developed into a sexual thing that is a big thing to get over if ever it's like being betrayed or cheated on both as bad as each other.

[Diane Taylor]

In my honest opinion, your husband will neither stop crossdressing nor will he stop trying to meet men.

[Ameli]

Dear Deanna.

I don't have anything significant to add but I wanted to join the others in wishing you the best. I'm very impressed with how you're dealing with this.

Take care

Ameli

[FrannGurl]

Hi Deanna

I can relate to your story as it describes me.

My wife caught me in almost the exact same way.

It brought me hurt, shame and many other things and I had to confront myself honestly.

Keep in mind that MOST males who crossdress are straight or maybe bisexual. Yes, some of us are gay too, but sexuality and gender are not the same.

I admitted I was sexually attracted to men, and after a bit I felt she understood.
Later she outed me to my friends and family. It was a very painful experience and I lost everything.

Make him comfortable to open up to you. Suggest an evening with a glass of wine, let him talk about it...don't be pushy or judgemental.
Play it by ear and let him express himself.

[Tina_gm]

Unfortunately I don't see a happy ending to this. 15 years of a secret life of not just private dress up, but of infidelity. Craigslist meet ups, that's some tough stuff there. Again, trying to get through this is not wrong, but if my wife had a secret life of hook ups for 15 years she would be out the door.

[Alice Torn]

That is really tough. I hope you and him can have a long, non condemning talk, and work this through, maybe go to a counselor trained in these type matters.

[mykell]

sooo for me the condoms....thats just not going to sit well with me....only one thing they are made for....and touching is as touching does. infidelity is what it is.

for me its a blunt run forest run..... sorry for my honest opinion, thats a lot hidden baggage....

[aprilgirl]

Deanna, Thanks for clarifying a couple of points. I simply can't imagine how you must be feeling, considering after three decades of marriage you stumble across a part of your mate, which was previously unknown to you. Just the mere task of sharing and seeking advice, even among virtual strangers, is healthy in my opinion. I hope you have or find a local outlet to reach out to as well.

Is he truly sorry for the years of dressing and infidelity, or just sorry that he got caught? Actions speak louder than words, and it's way past saying I'll stop doing this or I'll never do that again. If it were me, I'd want to know everything, and more importantly, what he was going to do change. I'm not suggesting that he give up crossdressing, as most here would agree that it's simply a part of who he is as a person. Chances are he would be miserable trying, and ultimately guilty of making a promise to you that he couldn't keep. Besides, you've already stated that the cding wasn't the big problem here. The issue here is the cheating, and given the time span and condoms found, it's more than "touching" and bi-curiosity.

I feel you should know what this marriage means to him moving forward, and an acknowledgement of how his improprieties has impacted you. What are his plans to give you a better understanding of who he is, and of himself? Give him the space and time to write you a letter, including an action plan on how things can help him, and you as a couple. If he can respond to or post an ad on Craigslist, he surely can write you a letter, and it had better be a good one. Saying " I won't do it again" isn't good enough, imo.

[Tracii G]

Oh the more we learn here the more damning it gets.
The condoms means sex so he has a gay side. strike one.
Lying all these years strike two.
Cheating on you with men strike three.
Personally the cheating and lying would be enough for me to walk out on him or show him the door.
Being gay myself I am still pretty conservative about a relationship I would be devastated if my guy did any of those things.
I feel sooo sorry for you I really do and what you are going thru is just awful.
Like it has been said before his crossdressing is not the issue its the lying and cheating.

[karenph]

Deanna - thanks for reaching out for different opinions. I agree with most that he will not stop dressing nor seeing other men (or will become very frustrated). My wife has always said that if I cheated on her our marriage would be over - there would be no recovery. I have a great wife and have never been tempted to stray :)
From what you stated the dressing is probably something you could learn to cope with but for the infidelity -- where is the line for you? Once you reconcile that within yourself then the other issues can be dealt with through open/honest communication (w/ or w/o a counselor). Is this man someone you wish to remain with after knowing about his infidelity. I am not separating the infidelity between a man or a woman - cheating is cheating. The fact that he was meeting men may also be an issue for you but that is secondary, as is the cross dressing, to your thinking on the infidelity.
There is not a right or wrong answer - the true answer for you lies within you. I wish you well as you work through this.
Hugs - Karen

[docrobbysherry]

I'm going to fast forward. Meaning I'm skipping the other comments. He's cheated and I expect he's not in love with u. This is not about crossdressing. It's about him not caring about u.

I'm sorry to say, your marriage is over. U can stay together as roommates, but sex and intimacy is probably off the table at this point. I've been there!:sad:

I really am sorry!:brolleyes:

[Tracii G]

If he has been sleeping with God knows who you are putting yourself in danger of an STD if you have sex with him.

[Tracy Irving]

If someone did that to me (and I am not talking about the crossdressing), I don't know how I could stay with that person. He didn't come out to you with this, he got caught. That means the lies and cheating would have kept going, on and on... How does that trust get rebuilt?

I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

[Mirya]

I agree with everyone else that the marriage is over. Cheating and having sex with who-knows-how-many other men for 15 years. Wow. And he only came clean because he got caught!

Reverse the situation: How many husbands would stand by their wives if they found out that their woman was cheating on him with untold multiple partners over 15 years? Nobody.

Your husband's lies, deception, and infidelity has ruined your marriage. I'm so sorry that this happened to you.

[Bobbi46]

I am with everybody else here sad as it is the time has come to cut and run. The condoms alone shout out sexual promiscuity, Tracii has it right what about an STD? you wont know you have one until its too late that is if he has got an STD.
But all of this moves into the realms of cheating, infidelity, lies, deceit and selfishness and deep down does he truly love you in a proper heterosexual way.
I am so sorry for you but think everything has gone down the pan for you marriage wise, you need to protect yourself now.
I wish all the very best of luck, I see no easy way out of this.

[AmandaM]

Unfortunately, he has been having sex with men. "Mostly touching", yeah sure, he's at least using his hand to get them off, probably more. He's acting out as a girl during sex. I think it would be hard to stop for him if he's been doing it 15 years. I have the same fantasy at times but haven't done it, I'm married, and just can't. If you love him that much, and he can stop, maybe there's hope. Frankly, I don't see it.

[Viggy]

Well, for me as a CD who cannot do with men, I only can estimate about the future of his CDing. I'm sure this will not go away, I tried to forget but it comes back in weeks, months what ever.
That he cheated you with men, is hard. I think it's like CDing, maybe he can controll it for a time, but like CDing it will come back. I'm sorry but this is my opinion.

[CarlaWestin]

Well, everyone else has said enough that I don't have to repeat.

Your husband was just a self centered jerk for going outside the of marriage for fleeting sexual gratification.

Anything else, especially the crossdressing, is just minor and can be worked out with loving couples.

[KitCat]

I would never say that my opinions are anything other than my personal points of view. I explained to my wife that I wanted to dress and she accepted that giving me licence to really engage in clothing hair and makeup. But even with acceptance it was incredibly difficult to tell her everything i was thinking and feeling. The shame and guilt were immense. Fortunately she allowed me to let out a little at a time so I did not have to try to sum up some feelings and ideas that span my life in a single conversation. My point is if you really need to hear the whole story i think its necessary to give it time to come out even if it is not what you want to hear at times. With that said there is a completely unrelated issue with trust and fidelity although crossdressing may have served as a gateway to the activities it is not the reason it is only a vehicle for getting there. I hope you can find the common ground that brought you together in the first place and use it to decide how and if to engage your future together. Its a choice you both need to make and participate in. I do hope you both give it a good try and without knowing either of you I offer my love and hope for healing.
Cath

[Stacy Darling]

So lets Wright this person off then!

I have condoms!!!

Oooh shock horror!!

I've never slept with anyone, let alone another male whilst in my relationship/Marriage!

So I will put a condom on then dry the lube off it!

WHY? you ask?

I Enjoy my Dressing self and with that, the chances of me getting wet when I Dress are Quite high. Didn't really want to put this out there but I wear a condom at times so I don't have wash my whole outfit each time I dress.

Just another thought!

Stacy!

[SaraLin]

Deanna,
Sorry to say it, but I'm not sure if there's enough left of your marriage to this man that's worth saving.

The crossdressing is not a big deal, of course. As most of us 'ladies' will be quick to tell you, a hubbie in touch with his feminine side could be a good thing, and (if handled properly) enrich the relationship.

I'm not even too worried about his not telling you for all this time. Many of us have lived in terror of being 'outted', rejected, and possibly worse all our lives. Keeping in the closet is almost instinctual - especially with those who can hurt us the most. Yes, it would have been better is he'd been able to come clean years ago... but I understand how hard that can be.

What really bothers me is his meeting other men. Especially now that I know he "loves to dress up very sexy and turn men on" and found men to meet up with via an ad on Craigslist. The final blow is that his stash box contained condoms.
Don't be fooled hon, the odds that he's engaging in sex with these men is almost 100%.
"Mostly touching"? Please. What does sex involve if it isn't all about 'touching'? About the only spin I could put on that comment is that he's saying that he didn't have any emotional attachment to any of his 'johns'. Is that supposed to make it better???!?!

Having been cheated on before, all I can say is this: serial infidelity is an ABSOLUTE deal breaker for me. The rest of the stuff is just that - stuff.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

The serial infidelity, and the health risks you've been unknowingly exposed to, are an appalling breach of trust.

I see no reason to believe him if he promises to give up his extramarital activities.

Time to lawyer up.

[Tracii G]

I wanted to make a statement about his use of Craig's List but I really don't want to be banned from here.
The slimiest, scummiest people use CL for sexual hook ups so your hubby is running with the lowest of the low and all I can think of is Ewwwwww.
I feel so bad you are having to go thru this its just disgusting. I feel dirty talking about it.

[Pat]

I share the concerns that pretty much everyone is expressing here, but would stop short of recommending divorce -- that's a decision that shouldn't be left to strangers on the internet. You have to make that call.

[jennifer0918]

Michal can I ask you what are the pros and cons for a gg to live with a gg? I have never tought of it like that, I always tought if I came out to my SO it would just be the end.

[Deannaslife]

I woke up today with my head so much clearer then it has been and for that I thank you so much!
A few days ago I saw a therapist my Dr. recommended and told her what happened and she looked stunned. I think I shocked the poor thing. It's such a relief to be able to talk to people who really understand what I am going through. Your posts are medicine and I can not tell you how much I appreciate it! Good point about the std's. I was tested asap and tested negative. We did stop having sex about ten years ago but decided I better get tested anyway. The reason we stopped was he seemed to lose interest in it. I figured since we are older now and have been together since age 21 that might be the way it goes for some people.
Right now I feel like this: I am able to separate the crossdressing from the betrayal.
Now that I know more about crossdressing it seems rather innocent to me. I can live with that, but not the betrayal. I told him that I wish he told me ten years ago that he wanted to be with men and I could have made a choice at that point to leave. He said, he knew that was selfish on his part but he loves the family life and did not want to risk losing it.
Hugs, Deanna

[IleneD]

I've been slowly reading this thread over the last few days.
CONGRATULATIONS, and praise for all the Sisters on this forum. I am continually impressed with the advice and discussion offered here. Your answers up and down this thread nailed the issue, and even helped the originator Deanna some relief and insight. IMO, this forum is famous for that. You speak with experience, wisdom and courage.

This forum tells it like it is, and not in plaintive tones of hollow acceptance (oh, everything goes; everything's alright). You say what needs to be said and not what writers wish to be said.

No one stood up and tried to make excuses for her husband simply because he dresses. No-one tried to whitewash the thread. You all spoke openly and honestly, with integrity and love. True love and concern.

Threads and advice like I see here are what makes me proud to be a member of this CD.com club. It's why I frequent the board. Your collective advice has literally saved my life and saved y marriage. I've learned so much just being here.

I praise you all who addressed Deanna, and who address all of our concerns, turmoils and joys. There's days I wish I could bring everyone on this board to a great hall and throw a party; a get together.

[Stacy Darling]

So! your doctor recommended a therapist and you say your therapist was Stunned?

You were tested ASAP and the test were negative? No HIV test then? Please!!!

Please don't mistake crossdressing for any other crime of which you are going to commit us of!

Stacy!

[Tina_gm]

Wow Stacy, maybe you should read her posts a bit more thoroughly. She has totally separated the cding. And says cding would be acceptable. Her issues are of her husband's infidelity and of the worst kind. Craigslist meet ups are pretty much the cesspool of meet ups. It would be unwise of her not to get tested and had only to do with the type of men her husband has been with.

[jennifer0918]

If he doesn't want to risk losing his "family life" then don't engage in risky behavior! Sweetie leave him,move on with your life its over,the trust is broken

[Stacy Darling]

Sorry Mutt!

I went into bat for someone with no back-up!

I'm still here, and I have the back up! and that's just me!

Prove to me what this Guy has done!

[AmandaM]

He wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants both his "good life" and the ability to hit the dive bars looking for men to ravage him. He might get HIV. You don't need condoms for hand jobs, but you do for oral, etc. And condoms can break. I think sooner or later he might get hurt. There are some real weirdos out there, especially those looking for these kinds of hookups. What happens if he meets a burly guy who wants bareback? And he's in a dive hotel? He could even get raped.

[Stephanie47]

Stacy, sometimes I just do not understand you. I'm totally befuddled. Deanna pretty much summed it all up as far as her hubby goes. Meeting men off Craig's List and using the terminology of "wanted to be with men" is usually a nice way of saying having a sexual relationship. Deanna has not inferred that all cross dressing men are like her husband. She has separated crossdressing from the issues of infidelity. It really does not matter if her husband wore or didn't wear a dress when he met up with men off Craig's list.

He engaged in acts of betrayal. Acts that are outside the commitment of marriage. Years ago I heard the plight of a woman who discovered her husband had engaged in gay sex. She expressed the opinion if her husband had cheated with a woman, she could have a chance to win him back. But, she said, how can I compete with a man.

Take the clothes off Deanna's husband and it comes down to the stated admission he has had encounters with men. Deanna has to deal with a totally false relationship that is occurring. Oh, I'm sure her husband is balling his eyes out over his "stupidity." Now he faces censure from his children. The world will try to guess what went wrong. Dissolution comes with economic consequences.

If I am going to take a stab at all this I'd venture a guess he was leading a heterosexual life style, when he truly is a gay man. Cross dressing men have their fantasies concerning sex with men. The concern is when it no longer is a fantasy, i.e. you act upon the fantasy.

Now comes the peril or consequences of the husband's action. He made his choice years ago, so I'd kick him to the curb. A woman is entitled to a man in a committed relationship. A woman does not have to live with the nagging thoughts of whether her husband is still cheating. Or whether he would rather be with a man than his wife.

And, frankly, whether a man is a heterosexual or homosexual or a cross dresser or not or whether it is a woman, there is only one reason 99.99% of men and women carry a condom in their wallet or purse. Given what Deanna has shared with this forum, I don't think the condom is for any "leakage" issues.

[Micki_Finn]

Don’t mean to be THAT person, but are you sure he’s crossdressing? Not a lot of detail in your post, and we’ve certainly seen plenty of stories here of wives finding clothing and thinking their husband is cheating. Is it possible you have the opposite situation on your hands? Or that he lead you to believe that because he thought it would be easier to accept than him cheating with women?

[Stacy Darling]

Stephanie!

I Respect you a lot and will not engage into an argument with you!

That is how much I respect you!

Not that I'm not up for it!:)

I'm so tired of any of us being accused of doing what the f@!& ever, whilst just grocery shopping!

Has this Girl had her say?

She is one of me!

[Alice B]

I have to agree with Docsherry. It is time to move on. It will be painfull and difficult, but it is time to think about yourself and your future happiness.

[Stephanie47]

Stacy, I also do not wish to debate or argue with anyone. My only concerns I have with postings on this forum is the interjection of other people's experiences when the post deal with a specific and unique set of circumstances. Deanna pretty much hung it all out there to dry. Micki postulates it is possible Deanna's husband is engaged in infidelity with a woman and the clothing, presumably in his size, really belongs to the woman he is cheating with or just bought to make the plot sicker. That is such a stretch. Husband really wants to dump his wife so he creates a situation where a stash of women's clothing will be found by an unsuspecting wife. Then he can spring it on her that he is a cross dresser who engages in sexual activity with men. The end result she dumps him and he lives happily ever after with another woman? I got to relay that to the soap opera writers. From what I saw last night on Grey's Anatomy last night (girl on girl) and a 1:00 PM soap last week (boy on boy), society really needs to find some more titillating story lines. Maybe Deanna's husband is a member here and will think, "Wow!" maybe my wife will buy that line and it will all blow over.

I guess I just need to get outside and scrape that moss of the roof.

[TheHiddenMe]

I'm a big fan of sex columnist Dan Savage. I think Deanna would be well served by reading some of his columns on the issues of infidelity (or listening to his podcasts).

I think we all are in agreement the cross dressing and the sex outside of marriage are two different issues; one does not cause the other.

It's possible the husband is bi, and not gay. However, the additional information about no sex for 10 years suggests he is gay.

Savage talks about compassionate marriage, where the married partners live together because of love, but have sex with others. He also discusses having sex outside of marriage so that the person who is "cheating" can stay same.

The percentage of people who have sex with individuals other than their spouses (i.e., cheating) is very high. Not all of these episodes lead to divorce. Probably every one on these boards knows someone who has an affair but the partners put it behind them and stay married.

As to finding condoms, yes, it indicates sex, but would it have been better to have unprotected sex???? Isn't the husband being responsible?

In fact, the husband could have been a better husband because he was having sex outside the marriage; it is certainly possible. Especially if the couple hadn't had sex for 10 years.

The question has to be, was Deanna happy with her life for the past 10 to 15 years while her husband was living his secret life? If the answer is yes, then why does the marriage need to end?

None of us can answer these questions; only Deanna and her husband can. But as I wrote above, Dan Savage has talked a lot about these issues, and I would encourage Deanna to read some of his thoughts on these types of issues.

[ellbee]

Now that I know more about crossdressing it seems rather innocent to me.

Thank you for that simple yet totally awesome comment, Deanna! :hugs:


Generally speaking, I completely agree with you. Crossdressing, in and of itself, is really no big deal.

At face value, it's just clothing that can ultimately be removed & swapped out, make-up that can be washed off, a wig that can taken off & put aside. We are just fellow human beings, under it all. :)


Of course, stick around for any length of time, and you'll find that crossdressing for any of us can potentially have a bit of a "dark side," as well -- like anything can, really.

For example, too much time, money and/or energy can potentially (and unintentionally) be spent on it... Getting too wrapped up in it & focusing too much on ourselves, when perhaps sometimes that should instead be directed towards other people or other things in life. Hey, it happens. As long as we can try to develop & maintain a healthy relationship with it, it shouldn't cause too many issues, and we can lead a fairly normal life (if there is actually such a thing!) like anyone else can.


And yes, while some people in our lives (including significant others) and in society, in general, are able to accept it & even embrace it, there are others who may frown upon it, to say the least. It may sound silly, especially given its apparent innocence, but it's not always easy trying to personally deal with this part of ourselves & how it can affect others who may not understand or agree with it, while still trying to be true to ourselves.

Honestly, we didn't ask for this in our lives... But it's there, part of who we are, and we just try to make the best from the hand that we were dealt in life.



This is certainly a fun group here on this forum, though! Sure, we may have our little squabbles & what-not -- this is the internet, after all. ;)

But poke around some more, and you'll find some entertaining, informative & interesting things with all this! For example, one of the recent threads here has to do with "under-dressing at work." I mean, I suppose to some people out there, it's such a wild notion that perhaps the police officer who pulls you over for speeding is actually wearing panties under his uniform, or the guy working in the produce section of your supermarket is sporting a fresh pair of pantyhose under his pants while stacking up those apples, or your mailman could be wearing a sports-bra under his shirt as he's delivering your mail! And odds are, you'll never know! Crazy, right? Next time you're out & about, perhaps something to ponder with each & every male you run across. :heehee:

Of course, there's no harm in any of that, really. It's just a fun & innocent thing that some of us may do sometimes, at least at some point in our lives. Again, it's just an article of clothing... No big whoop, really. Though at the same time, wearing it can mean a lot to us, on any & all sorts of levels.


Anyway, enough babbling for now. Thank you again for your great comment, because there is a lot of truth to it. :thumbsup:

[BrendaPDX]

I am sincerely sorry for your discomfort, I can't imagine how you must feel. To answer your question directly; No. It would not be that easy to stop, not for me anyway. There are a lot of good people here with sage advice, I am not one of them. Best of my wishes. Sincerely, Brenda

[Ashleyrobyn831]

Let me start by saying that anything I say is just my opinion, and that situations are so unique to those involved that it's hard to offer any truly useful advice from afar.
But as a tg/cd who's been married for a long time to a woman who has been wonderfully accepting and supportive, I can say without hesitation that had I not been upfront about it from day one it would have been a drastically different story. Also, had I ever strayed physically, she would have been out the door; a large part of the reason my wife has always been so supportive is precisely because she never felt she had to worry that I'd want to go out and be with a man. So while I think it's great that you're seeking to understand your husband's cross dressing, the fact that he has been so deceptive makes it so much more complicated. Fear of negative reaction is no excuse for deceiving a spouse, and there is no good excuse for infidelity in any form. So it really comes down to two things for me: do you want the marriage to continue badly enough to forgive what he's done already, and do you believe that he will stop the lies and betrayals if you do forgive? If he cross dresses for its own sake and not just as an aspect of sleeping with men, then odds are he won't stop and you'll have to be willing to accept that with him.
I wish you the best whatever you decide to do, and it breaks my heart to hear what he has put you through, but I would like to say for the record that most cd/tg are good, kind, loving people who wouldn't dream of hurting those they live in such a way--you don't seem the type anyway, but please don't let this pain taint your view of all of us. 😊
Best of luck sweetie, and I'd love to hear how it all works out once you work through it all.

[Becky Blue]

Deanna, so sorry to hear your sad story, my heart goes out to you :(. As you and so many others have said the CDing and the unfaithfulness are unconnected. Basically he has been cheating on you, whether it is with men or women or whether he is crossdressed or not does not change the fundamental fact that he cheated on you repeatedly....