I'm new here

[Ashleyrobyn831]

Hey everyone, I just found this site yesterday, and am really glad I did, because living in Utah there aren't a whole lot of people who are open enough about cd to discuss issues. My wife and I have been married for 18 years and she has been supportive of my CD from day 1; in the beginning the plan was for full transition but due to some injuries our income decreased to the point it wasn't possible anymore. The odd thing is when it got to where I was going to have to remain anatomically male, she got even more frustrated than me, and started pushing for me to wear ever more frilly, fancy clothing. While I wear exclusively female clothes, my normal habit is to dress "normally", as in the kind of things any average woman would wear daily. I'm not sure how to take the change of approach from her, or whether I should just go along with it or insist on sticking to my usual methods. Hoped maybe someone had some similar experience or insights.

[~Joanne~]

Welcome to the forum. I am sure someone will be along to respond to Your post. Sorry I can not relate myself.

[Jenny22]

You lucky girl! Welcome, and bless your wife!

[Stacy Darling]

Welcome to the world of?

Might make a cup of tea and get back to this!

I went from 1st marriage abused Sissy maid to second marriage berated CD!

Time to look at it again!
Step back and look at the big picture!

Stacy!

[Teresa]

Ashley,
Welcome to the forum.
You are very lucky to have a supportive wife, sorry your neck of the woods is making it difficult to truly be yourself.

With your wife pushing what does she want the final outcome to be, is she just happy for you to be out dressed or does she want you to enter transition ? If it's the latter is she OK about living with you as a female ? I can see she is confusing you, it depends how old you are but I feel you should go with what you feel most comfortable with if you are planning to go out . In the privacy of your own home it really doesn't matter, assuming there are no complications with children .

[Dana44]

Welcome to the forum Ashley. Nice to have a wife that accepts you. I have an accepting GF and I am not transition. She wants me to stay male. LOL

[Lana Mae]

Welcome, Ashley! Sorry to hear about your injuries and decreased income! Not quite understanding the wife's frustration over you having to "remain anatomically male"!Was she hoping for SRS and you to have female anatomy? You need to have more discussion and clarify some things! Compromise on the dressing, like frilly on Fridays and Tuesdays and normal the rest of the week or what ever you two come up with! No experiences but great that she wants you to dress...I think! Best wishes Hugs Lana Mae

[Ashleyrobyn831]

I know just how lucky I am, believe me. And after two decades of the kind of loving support that so many can only dream of, I want to give her whatever she needs to make her happy. I just worry that the underlying cause of the change in her behavior will turn out to be something that drives a wedge between us if not addressed, but when I talk/ask her about it she only says that she just likes the look of certain things. And maybe that's the whole truth and the timing is coincidental, in which case I have no issue at all with stepping out of my comfort zone to fulfill her desires, it's the least I could do. But I wanted to solicit input from others who might either have experienced something similar or have some other kind of insight, to help me spot and deal with a hidden problem if it in fact exists.

- - - Updated - - -

Thank you all for your wonderful replies, and your warm greetings. So nice to have somewhere to go to talk without fear of any ugliness. You all seem like truly wonderful people. Thanks!!

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Oh, and to reply to Teresa, the end point goal is a little vague at this point, just kinda going with the flow for now. As far as full GRS transition, I had never really considered it seriously until we met, but after hearing her reasons why she thought it would be a good idea I completely agreed. I'm only 38 years old, so there's plenty of time left, and our youngest child just turned 16 and all three (girls) approve of the situation so no issues there. I'm not afraid this will break up our marriage or anything, just trying my best to fully understand so I can give her what she really wants or needs, not just what's apparent on the surface.

[RADER]

Welcome to the Forum; I thought I was the only pebble on the beach until I found this site.
Surf around, You will find many new Ideas, and make new friends. You will find you are in great
company.
Rader

[Nikki1983]

Im actually concerned that your wife isnt being honest about her sexuality. Or that this could turn into a domination type situation. You need to get her to talk about it. I am married to a cder who hid it from me for 14 years. Some of it is sexual for him, but he is not gay and does not want to transition. I was hurt to find out so late in our relationship. However,i was hurt because im bisexual and would have loved to share this side of him from the beginning. Please talk to her and try to find out why she is pushing you. Dont make a life altering decision just because she convinced you to.

[Michelle_CD]

I don't have any advice for you but just wanted to say welcome to the forum. It's good to see another girl from Utah here.

[Ariana225]

Also a fellow utahan! Welcome to the forum!

[Cherylgyno]

Ashley. Welcome to the group. I wish that I could help with everything else. Only time my wife ever complained was when my breasts due to gynecomastia became bigger than her breasts.

[Nikki A.]

I wish I had something to add, but I hope it all works out for both of you.

[Ashleyrobyn831]

I'm surprised to see so many girls in Utah on the site; but purely in a good way. And since there are, I wanted to ask, are there any stores/shops in the salt lake metro area that are tg/cd friendly? Not that I have a lot of trouble at Walmart, target, etc, but the stuff available at the big box stores tends to be so blah and monotonous, not to mention lacking in carrier for a girl my height. I mean, it does get old putting up with, say, a skirt that's clearly not designed to be a mini only reaching to six inches above the knee, and for pants I'm generally stuck searching the thrift stores and such. And shoes? Ha! Finding a decent shoe besides a clunky sneaker in a size 11 or 12 is like going on an extended treasure hunt! 😋

[Joanne108]

Welcome! Well I hope you work things out.

[Jaymees22]

Hi, Welcome to the forum, I don't think many have had your problem. As far as the shopping goes you can shop on line especially for shoes. Hugs Jaymee

[giuseppina]

It might be worth having a chat with a qualified and licensed counsellor to help determine why your wife wants you to wear the frilly stuff. Last I checked, most genetic women don't wear much of that style except possibly as underwear. Perhaps an acceptable compromise is behind closed doors only. It seems to me going further may be asking for unwanted attention, but that's me.

I sympathise with the shoe issue, my male size is 8B, which is almost unobtainable in Canada.

[jennifer0918]

Welcome

Cheerio

[Ashleyrobyn831]

I've thought the same; when asked, she says the reason she pushes for it is two fold: she likes the way it looks, and she likes being able to dress me in things she can't/doesn't dare to wear. I don't doubt that both may be true, I just suspect there might be more too it. And while I don't want to press her too hard on what's really a pretty minor issue in the scheme of things, I also don't want to just let it go and have some underlying issue fester over time when it could've been handled more easily early on. It's just tough to know how hard to push it, when it may well be there's nothing more to it than she says. Plus it's not like I have a problem going more "frilly" or girly, I had always just kept it toned down for the sake of not creating too many problems for our daughters to deal with. And with the youngest now 16 and the others 23 and 18, that's not really much of a concern anymore. So I also find myself questioning whether it might just be best to go along and make her happy until and unless some other sign of a problem reveals itself. Maybe I'm just worrying because there isn't a problem, if that makes sense--like, maybe it's too smooth and trouble free when most people's experiences are fraught with difficulties, so I'm seeing trouble where none exists just because some part of me expects it to be there?

[sarah_hillcrest]

Wow, you situation is almost exactly the opposite of almost everyone who is a married CD. Hmm. You should write a book.

[jack-ie]

Unless the frilly things really offend you, why question her motives? If, in the future, this somehow affects the relationship negatively, address it then. In the meantime, make the best of it. Many of the girls here would love to have your problem

[Sometimes Steffi]

I wish I had some good advice for you, but honestly, I'm struggling with the math.

In various posts you said:

My wife and I have been married for 18 years

I'm only 38 years old,

And with the youngest now 16 and the others 23 and 18,

Probably just a typo somewhere

[LeannS]

Ashley You are not wanting to dress really frillly with your wife and some of us just want our SO's to accept us and let us dress around them.

I don't have any advice for you as I am one here that can't dress in front of my wife. (non accepting)

Have a great day

Leann

[Bobbi46]

This whole scenario is beginning to bother me somewhat. Do I detect some sort of coercion? total feminisation, transition, surgery? Sounds like you need to take control of the situation. This is your body we are talking about. You are young yet, many years ahead of you.
What if you do go down this line and in the future it all goes pear shape, your marriage ends in divorce and where does that leave you? I will tell you it leaves with a changed body which cannot be reversed and basically a life ruined and for what? female domination?.
Get a grip on this quick and put down your boundaries not hers.

[Ashleyrobyn831]

The math is correct, just highly unusual. We had our first child in 1993, when I was 14 and a half and she was 16; got married in 97 once I turned 18, then had the other two kids over the next three years. But I can see where without the specifics the math might seem not to add up. To respond to a couple of other parts, I'm sorry I wasn't clear: I have no problem with what's asked of me. My only issue is that due to the timing of the shift in attitude, I worry about underlying issues that might affect the relationship if not dealt with, and I value the marriage too much to take that lightly. I am well aware how lucky I am to be in the situation I'm in, and was just hoping someone might have some insight into what might pentalogy be unseen. I in no way meant to imply that I'm unhappy or have it bad or anything of the sort, and I'm sorry if the way I phrased things made it sound that way to anyone.

[Bobbi46]

My point I am trying to put over is who commands your life/body you or your wife.

[Ashleyrobyn831]

I especially would like to apologize to anyone here dealing with SO who isn't accepting or supportive--i can see now that I should have taken greater care to not leave any implication that I was unhappy with my situation, and I can certainly understand how someone who doesn't have that support could be offended by such a thing. It was never my intention to offend or sound like I felt sorry for myself or whatever. It's not an excuse, but this is my first time passing in an online forum of any kind, and I'm still feeling my way a bit, but I will take extra care in the future to avoid any ambiguity or uncertainty in my statements to prevent the appearance that I'm anything but grateful for how good things are for me when so many others would give so much to have the same. Once again, I'm terribly sorry for any misunderstanding I caused.

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One final thing for now: I just want to clarify something about my wife for anyone who I accidentally misled. There is no issue of anything being forced, nor of improper control. While it's true that she was the catalyst for the pursuit of full transition, it was only because I was at the time badly misinformed about the entire process, and had this never considered it a realistic option. She corrected the false information i had been working from, and pushed (for lack of a better word) for surgery simply because she believed I would be happier that way. Her position all along was that I would be the same person with different genitalia, and that any relationship works best when both parties are as happy with themselves as possible, both of which I believe to be true. At no time has she ever tried to make me do something I didn't want to do, and even with the issue I presented when I first posted, it wasn't that I was opposed to the idea, just concerned that there was more to it than face value, and that it was masking an issue for her that we'd need to deal with. I'm sorry I wasn't clear enough in stating that the whole point was that I wanted to be sure I was doing right by her, not that I objected to what was asked of me. I'll be more specific on such things in the event I ever post about such a topic again.

[Bobbi46]

Ashley thank you for the clarification, but you can understand our concerns from what have said, putting that aside now you need to look very carefully into what you are considering/thinking of both you and your wife need to get as much information about this as you possibly can. On top of this is the inclusion of what family, friends co workers and everybody would think if you went down that road, serious thinking is needed here.
The last thing we all here do not want happening is that you make what could be the biggest mistake of you life.
Slow things down and explore what you have before jumping into the deep end too soon.
I am not having a go at you at all I am just concerned that you are still young with a lifetime ahead of you without making any dire mistakes.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Ashley:hugs:, Welcome to our forum, When you are here you are home,

Yours is an interesting and a bit complicated story, I hope that you can work things out. >Orchid...:daydreaming:...

[Ashleyrobyn831]

I do understand the concerns, and that's partly why I feel so bad for creating misperceptions I never intended. I truly do appreciate your point, and I assure you nothing is being rushed. Even when we were still on the active path to SRS, it was a journey 15 years in the making to that point, and even now that that is no longer financially feasible, we're not rushing to completely write it off either. Both of our families are well aware of the whole situation, with he's being more understanding than mine but both still making efforts to stay involved in our lives, so pretty lucky there too, and all three of our daughters are enthusiastically supportive. Granted, it's all they've known from childhood on, but acceptance means a bit more once they're old enough to formulate their own informed opinions and such. I realize that at 38 I'm on the young side in a lot of ways, but given that my wife and I have been together since 1992 (age 13 for me) and been dealing openly with this the entire way, we feel like at this point we're as informed and prepared as it's possible to be. Nearly two decades of living solely as Ashley in public and private, plus several years now of hormone therapy and other procedural steps has given us a good foundation for evaluating post transition consequences.
Oddly enough, it feels good that total strangers on an online forum care enough to point out the potential problems and pitfalls ahead and caution against them. So often people either don't want to be bothered about such things or want to be willfully blind and act like everything is bound to be just peaches and cream, so it means a lot when someone takes the time and effort to acknowledge and address the inherent difficulties involved in such a drastic life change, so thank you for that.

[larry]

I understand that there is a lot of concern on your part. Nice to see others giving as much data as possible.

My only thought is ;
" Happy Wife--Happy Life "

[LelaK]

Are you two into polygamy at all? If so, could we date?

[Bobbi46]

Lela,
Are you serious? really.

[Ashleyrobyn831]

Wow. I'm going to assume you were just attempting a joke with really poor execution, but just in case I'm won't, and in case I somehow wasn't clear enough previously, I'm committed completely to my wife, and she to me, and we have no room nor desire for any third party.