Newcomer looking for advice

[Ashleyrobyn831]

Hey everyone, I'm new to the site but loving it so far. Just had a question about definitions. I'm genetically make, 38, married 18 years, but have always felt/identified internally as female. Until a recent change to our income status, our plan had always been for full SRS transition; my wife isn't lesbian but feels that I would still be the same person only happen after transition and that physical intimacy would only change not go away, so she always wanted it to happen. If anything, more than me, as i hadn't thought of it as a realistic possibility until she convinced me it was. But as I said we can no longer afford such a massive expense, so it's status quo now, which for better part of 15 years has been wearing only female clothes, going by my femme name, etc; I haven't even owned a pair of men's pants in over a decade. But now that transition is out of reach I'm a little confused whether I still identify as ts or if now as CD. I never considered myself a cross dresser before because I've always thought of myself as female despite the plumbing, but now without that end goal in reach anymore I find myself a bit lost.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

life is long..

out of reach today isnt out of reach tomorrow and this doesnt change who you are in any way.

lots of people transition w/o SRS surgery, and i mean lots.

so dont get down on yourself over something that really doesnt change who you are...

[Ashleyrobyn831]

Wow, that was amazing. With such simplicity you put into words a concept I've struggled for months to define for myself. I am still me, and external things can never change that. Thank you so much!

[AllieSF]

As Kaitlyn stated you can still transition and do things like name and gender changes on all your documents and at work, get on or stay on hormones, if that is something you want (probably one of the least expensive parts of transitioning since most medical polices cover some or all), work on a more female voice if you haven't already, start or complete facial hair removal, consider some minor but potentially feature changing facial surgery, as needed and when enough funds are set aside for it. I do not know where you live, but California has some great legal medical benefits for a lot of these procedures. It sounds like you are out to everyone, but if not, that can be done now with your correct name and gender. Just live your life as you are on the inside and hope that you can catch up on the outside stuff when you can. Good luck and stay around here and let us know how you are doing. Oh, also, welcome to the Forum and enjoy your stay.

[docrobbysherry]

Some people say, "Potayto". Some say, "Potahto". But, they both taste the same don't they?

Call yourself a cab. You'll still be the same person, won't u!?:heehee:

[Vickie_CDTV]

You don't need SRS to transition, in fact, most TSs never have the op. You can live fulltime without it, and in some states even change your gender marker on your license etc.

However, don't overestimate your wife's acceptance, it might be a good thing you don't have SRS in the end. There is always an exception, but the vast majority of marriages do not survive that.

[Rianna Humble]

I would definitely dispute the suggestion that most Transsexuals never have Gender Confirmation Surgery, but it can happen that circumstances prevent you from being able to have the surgery (in my case it is poor health). As Kaitlyn said, that doesn't change who you are.

Depending on where you live, you can still legally change your name and your gender marker on many if not all official documents.

Despite the naysayers, some wives do stay married - we have proof of that among the staff of this forum. I'm glad that your wife is fully supportive - she must be a very special person.

[Ashleyrobyn831]

Just for frame of reference, I live in salt lake City, Utah. In most respects, I love it here, but the laws and predominant attitudes towards people such as myself are not exactly enlightened. It's been an almost ideal place to raise the kids, but now that they're all either grown or nearly so (youngest is 16) we find that our former plan to move once they were grown up isn't as appealing as we thought, since we don't want to be where we can't still see them regularly. But at least in salt lake, one thing I don't have to really worry about is anyone assaulting me for who I am. 😀

[arbon]

I live in salt lake there is a huge population of trans and queer people. I have no trouble.

[Ashleyrobyn831]

I just meant the laws aren't particularly conducive to tg issues. The population, as I mentioned, is not a worry.

[arbon]

What laws need to be in place to better your life?

- - - Updated - - -

about your question and advice..

A CD is a guy that wears womens cloths for whatever reason. If you think that is you then that is what you are.

Identifying as TS - Some people do id as trans, transgender, transsexual. I am by definition transsexual - but in day to day life I'm just a woman. rarely do I have to bring up my medical issue. I did this week when I had to go to an urgent care clinic and the doctor starts asking about my periods and other things like that and I am finally forced to say I am transsexual and don't have all those parts. But other wise it just rarely comes comes up even though where I am working now a lot of people know. I'm identified as a woman, as she, as her.


SRS does not equal transition. SRS was beneficial to me but when I transitioned I did not think I would ever have SRS. It was more important to me to claim my identity as a woman in this world with or without it. I got lucky and it worked out that I could eventually have that particular surgery.

Where you live - There is no place where you wont run into issues. I transitioned in a small town in idaho in a hostile work environment. Salt Lake has been like an oasis compared to that. So I don't really get the issue you mentioned with that.

You say you wear womens cloths and go by a fem name - is that all the time or just at home or weekends ? If you are identifying yourself as a woman all the time then I don't understand the question your asking. Transition to what? SRS does not make you a woman. It can validate how you feel about yourself, but not having it wont stop you from being yourself if it is who you really are. So is it more an issue of how you are feeling about yourself, like your not complete as a woman without SRS? My experience with SRS is that it was good for me, but did not make me who i am. 40 years of living the life of a male instead as a female just does not get fixed that easily with a surgery. It is a much deeper issue.

[Georgette_USA]

To Vickie_CDTV

I agree with Rianna

Do you have some study that shows that MOST TSs NEVER have SRS/GCS.

I agree one does not need to have SRS/GCS, I find that is a personal thing. To me I couldn't live with having that offending part, But I am very old school, In the 70s one did not have any legal rights without it.

[Jeri Ann]

I wonder how anyone can even know how many transsexuals there are in order to know that most don't have GRS. Estimates are all over the place. No one will ever know about many of us. No one knew about me until a few months ago. I've known all my life that I was transsexual but kept it hidden very well.

Laws? Other than stupid restroom laws that can't be enforced, I am not aware of any laws. Transsexualism is a medical condition. It is recognized as such by the American Psychiatric Association and the American Medical Association. Medicare will even pay for HRT and GRS. The trick is finding a doctor that will accept what Medicare will pay.

Also, assuming that all transsexuals are identified, how can it be known what is, or is not, in their panties?

[Mirya]

You say that you've been wearing only female clothes and only going by your femme name for the "better part of 15 years". That's a long time. Just to clarify, you're living full-time as a woman, right? I mean, that's kind of what is implied when someone says that they only go by their female name. But then you also say that transition is out of reach. I'm really confused. A lot of things in your story don't make sense to me.

[LeaP]

The American Society of Plastic Surgeons just released “Gender Confirming surgery” stats for 2015 and 2016. The stats rose 20% between 2015 and 2016. ... but the numbers include all kinds of procedures besides SRS. But say you do arrive at an SRS estimate. Then to get at something like a percentage of trans people who have SRS, you have to define the trans population (good luck with that, CD.com opinions, Lynn Conway, HRC, the Census Bureau, SSA and other bureaus notwithstanding), and then compute a meaningful figure. What does that mean? Are you trying to arrive at the figure who WOULD have surgery, if available to them, or who have had it? Trailing averages? What are the significance of changes in the numbers over time? (The ASPS stats I mentioned above, for example, jumped 20% between 2015 and 2016.) That can be interpreted six ways to Sunday.

On the definitions problem, forget how we may define identity and consider it from an outsider’s perspective. Does one rely on name change statistics? Gender marker changes? What about jurisdictions that hamper or forbid them without SRS? Self-declarations of gender (and which ones, exactly)? Cross-sex hormones administration stats, if there are any such, and are you going to correct for non-gender patients? A statistician would be interested in population drift factors, too (think of things like estrogens in the environment, as a small example) and how they affect the meaning of your derived % statistics. How does stealth affect all this, including AKA identities and those who refuse to self-identify? Do you correct the population basis for those who cannot afford or otherwise qualify for surgery?

Has the desirability of SRS changed? Are more people going overseas? Fewer? Is there a spike in gender-related surgeries in the US because of threats to Obamacare gender surgery coverages? More doctors doing them, perhaps? Or just more plastic surgeons? Spiking because of conservative political environment fears? Who knows ... maybe the ASPS stats spike indicate a peak that will followed by a crash ...

IMO, there simply aren’t enough statistics (period), diverse enough statistics, or accurately and definitionally bound statistics to give perspective to questions such as “what percentage of trans people have SRS.” Anyone looking for accurate trans statistics of any kind is in for a research disappointment. The few that are out there beg a lot of interpretation when it comes to extending them.

Just for fun, let me tack on an additional population basis conundrum - that of the nascent trans population. These are those in denial, repressed and suppressed, maybe even happy CD campers (as they think) yet to be triggered into crisis, along with other denizens of the umbrella crowd. What percentage of the population are these? How have the thresholds allowing identity emergence changed? How, or do you correct for the hidden population? Consider the transsexual population of, say, 40-50 years ago. One could make the case that nearly 100% of transsexuals at that time had SRS, based on how the population was defined at that time. Or maybe it was 50%, the rest being defined, variously as homosexual, mentally ill, etc. (homosexuality was, of course, regardless as a mental illness at the time) - morally deviant, or even criminal. Perhaps it was a fraction of 1% based on how we might regard binary, cross sex identity today. Maybe you think the definitional problem is easier today. I think not.

[Ashleyrobyn831]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cause confusion. When I used the word "transition" it was meant as sort of shorthand for full surgical intervention. I took the reply to be a subtle pointing out of the fact that confirmation surgery is in no way necessary for transitioning to living as a woman, which is entirely true, and I in no way intended to imply otherwise. I merely thought that given the context of my statements people would read Transition as I intended it and didn't give adequate thought to the possibility, even likelihood, that it would be taken at strictly face value. I apologize for the lack of specificity and sensitivity in the poor choice of words.