Advice and Wisdom for someone trying to expand their borders

[mattea]

Hello my dear friends! I have found so much good information on this site, and feel so welcomed by everyone it is just wonderful. Like many of you I have been doing this nearly all my life and over the past few years I have really grown in my abilities and my confidence to present myself to the world. I don't think full transition is for me, nor do I think that I would live completely as a women, because I am very proud of what I have done in my life especially in raising my wonderful children. What I have been doing more of is just going out, the freedom of walking down the street, shopping and dining is so refreshing, but what my wife and I haven't done just yet is socialize with others or interact to any great extent, I am still afraid and have confidence issues speaking because of my voice. I feel as though I have a look that makes me passable, and my wife is persistent that I pass without question.

This brings me to a couple of questions for my sisters here, for those of you who traverse the world daily as your feminine self, what helped you become comfortable with interacting with others, what tools or methods have you garnered to overcome your anxieties, and how do you handle those instances that things get tense or someone calls you out. I know most people are good people and don't have anything to say, and I do know that the biggest part of passing is your own attitude (my wife tells me this all the time too), but would appreciate any advice. As example is I really want to visit a cosmetics counter somewhere with my wife, ulta, sephora, MAC.... But am very afraid of that interaction.

Thanks for your time and appreciate any and all advice! Much Love for this community! Mattea.

[Teresa]

Mattea,
I'm not sure how different your part of the World is on acceptance but I found a social group is the best way to find your confidence in meeting other Cders and the public. Is it totally out of the question finding a group for you ?

As for going to get your makeup checked out , I went in drab because I knew I would be going out so I wanted to have a skin colour check for foundation and powder. It was the best Sunday morning I'd had in a long time being made up even in drab, with customers passing by I was more intent on listening and asking questions to the beautician . She thanked me after because she had never made a man up before and really enjoyed it, I was on cloud nine for having the confidence to go through with it.

None of us pass 100%, the voice isn't too much of a problem no one bothers to alter their voices at my group not even the TSs. You really have to be yourself and be confident .

You are lucky having a wife to support you try doing it alone in a DADT situation ,

[Majella St Gerard]

Confidence is gained by going out and realizing that people don't care what you are wearing. I go out regularly en femm to places that I would normally go to dressed as a man and I have never been called out. I have received many compliments from both men and women. I'm told by many that I pass and that they only knew because of my voice, I do try to soften it up for short interactions but I don't really try to speak like a woman. The fear is all in your head, get out more often and you will see.

[Tracii G]

Just soften your normal voice.
What you can do is try to speak from the top of your voice box like women do.Men speak from the bottom side or the chest thats why the male voice is lower and carries more.
Just try that and practice and have your wife help you with it.

[Lana Mae]

Mattea, I went to a MAC counter in a mall and used my own voice but had warned them ahead of time that I was a crossdresser! Every thing actually went well, except for me! I was so expecting something to go wrong that it did not feel right! I have re-evaluated and when I get a chance I am going back! Not sure how it is where you are but I am from North Carolina, the bathroom bill state! I had three teenage girls look back and giggle among themselves! I had many others walk by with nothing, no looks, no comments, no facial expressions! So, go out there if you can and enjoy! Hugs Lana Mae

[Jean 103]

First you have to get past the pass no pass thing. Just be real. You can talk with a soft voice while still speaking up. Just go out, be open , it works for me. I have made lots of friends. I'm having dinner at a restaurant right now by myself , afterwards I'm going to catch up with my best friend and her boyfriend for pool and dancing.

[Zoeytgtx]

I concur with all that has been stated here. After two makeovers where I learned I could blend quite easily I started to attend monthly group meetings with other girls. They provided me with a lot of confidence and the restaurant we meet at is very friendly. The GG's that frequent the estabishment really go out of their way to chat us up and tell us how wonderful we look in our outfits. As far as the voice, soften it up and practice. Chat up people in public. A good TG friend of mine encouraged me to chat up folks in public. Her advise was great, get them involved in a conversation. Once they start chatting with you, they really stop LOOKING at you. Honest!!

[Julie Slowinski]

Here's what works for me. I start with the assumption that I am not passable, which is true for me (even on my best day) and for most of us. The important part is to be okay with it and recognize that while most people will know I'm not a GG, they are also okay with it, for the most part. Once all of that is out of the way (i.e., knowing there are no questions), I can get to the business of just being me, with my regular voice. In my limited experience with en femme shopping, the sales associates seem to be extra friendly. That is, in comparison to shopping for the same but in drab. In the in drab case, I find it best to just be honest about why I'm there and who the products are for - the little smile they get as it registers in their brain is priceless. The bottom line is that the first hurdle is in my head, and after that everything else becomes easier.

[Tracii G]

There is more to passing than just looks its attitude and how you carry yourself not to mention how you interact with people.
Voice is not something you have to do because there are women out there that sound like guys so like I said earlier just soften your normal voice.
I have the ability to talk with strangers and I have always have.
Don't make the discussion about you and how you love CDing because quite frankly people don't want to hear about that. Speak to them as you would in guy mode nothing should change because you are the same person inside.
Just be civil and keep things friendly without going overboard and becoming obnoxious.

[Helen_Highwater]

Mattea,

" I really want to visit a cosmetics counter somewhere with my wife, ulta, sephora, MAC.... But am very afraid of that interaction. "

I've done this a couple of times and it's really a non event, don't over think it. I went to get a foundation match at the No7 counter. Enfemme I just walked up, the SA asked if she could help, I said what I wanted and she said no problem, found me a chair and we spent the next 10-15 minutes with her applying a new foundation, blusher etc. We chatted about this and that just as anyone would. All very friendly and I certainly didn't feel that there was any animosity. Quiet the opposite. When finished I bought products and she said feel free to come back anytime for more advice. The other shoppers just passed by and I wasn't aware of any odd glances.

As for a lengthier encounter I will go with Teresa and say a social group is the way to go. It's a safe and supportive environment and you have time to have real conversations. Even if you need to travel to get to one it's worth it. It will do so much for your confidence.

[Sometimes Steffi]

" I really want to visit a cosmetics counter somewhere with my wife, ulta, sephora, MAC.... But am very afraid of that interaction. "

I've gone to a standalone MAC several times. The first time I made an appointment for a makeup lesson, and had the lesson in the back room. I was dressed "girl lite", with jeans and a casual top. When I was done, I thought I looked so natural and femme, that I took a long walk around the mall. The second time, I was already dressed en femme and went for their free eye mini makeover. The MA was really great. She treated me like any other girl. This time I was in the "Big Girl's Chair" for everyone in the store and walking by to see.

I've also gone to Ulta several times, sometimes en homme and sometimes en femme. I always interacted with a MA to pick colors and stuff like that. The first time I went (en homme), I worked with a MA to pick out some basic makeup. I told her the truth; I was going to the Renaissance Festival as a wench. The next few times, they matched foundation for me and even used their own arm to show me lipstick colors.

In short, a cosmetic counter is one of the most empowering places to be. Just do it, especially if you have an accepting wife beside you.

[tasidevil]

I remember my first time at a cosmetics counter. It was a Dilliards store at a Alexander VA mall and I wanted to make an appointment for a friend for her first time out. I was wearing a lovely knee-length B&W print dress. I roamed the conter for a while and finally got up nerve to talk to the technicians there and make my friends appointment. All went well and we returned the next day for a lovely session. Our makeup girl was sure friendly and helpful but in the course of conversation we talked about me. They all thought I was a woman until I opened my mouth so yes I do think voice training is important. I ran into Nina on line and she has helped me breakthrough my barriers real a great deal of confidenece. More about Nina here https://www.sisterhouse.net/familyroom/2017/08/01/voice-feminization-by-nina/#post-1183