Help, wife isn’t accepting

[Danieltread86]

I’m just curious as to how to get my wife to be more accepting and help me with my dressing instead of being so mega I’ve about it. She knows I’ve wanted to crossdress since I was like 10. But she’s still not very accepting of it and doesn’t want me fully dressing. She’s ok with panties and bras and stockings. But she’s 100% against any makeup or dresses or heels.

[jack-ie]

There is probably no good answer and her attitude towards dressing may never change. One suggestion, and it's a long shot, but perhaps you're making it all about you and your wants. You might try enticing her to participate, ask her opinion, try to add a little "between us girls" humor. Try to make her part of it.

[Dana44]

Indeed many wife don't support and I agree with Jackie on getting her more involved. ,

[Danieltread86]

I try to do that a lot while talking about it. But things never really go any further then they are right now. Like I try to have a day out shopping for both of us and ask her if she would like to get matching dresses and things like that. I’ve even asked her about a compromise and us just do some drag shows so I can fully dress and that would hold my urges back to just a few times a year instead of me wanting to dress all the time. I told her she could help me get ready and do my makeup and that I think we could have a lot of fun with it

[Lydianne]

There is a sticky for SO acceptance at the top of the index page. You know your wife best; so you will know what would have the best chance.

I am not married, but I suspected that if your wife is not accepting, then it would be unlikely that she would want to get more involved. I was thinking to maybe try and show the positives of what CDing brings to your guy mode versus her friends' guys. But she might hate that it affects your guy mode at all.

A difficult situation. Generally, you can't make someone do what they don't want to.

[NancySue]

I think you are on the horns of a dilemma. Actually, she is accepting, but with only three items? My wife is 100% accepting. Neither of us understand why she's OK with partial dressing. Maybe some reading, conversations, honesty, etc. and she'll realize that we, especially those of us that started early in life, cannot accept partial acceptance. Can she explain "why" she rejects makeup, heels, wigs, etc. Hopefully, she'll realize and accept all your needs. Best

[Fiona123]

Panties, bras and stockings are a pretty good start. Maybe try some counselling. Getting her involved is a great idea.

[audreyinalbany]

generally, it depends on how you define 'accepting.' Do you want her to go out with you while dressed? Or do you just want her to accept that this is something you do from time to time without necessarily participating? I'm one of many who is not sure what I want from my wife. I don't THINK I want her to go out to dinner with me dressed, yet I can't say the idea is completely out of possibility. My wife currently knows. She tolerates my going away for a long weekend now and again and accepts that I dress up when she's gone for the day without giving me a ton of s**t about it. So, for her, that's being 'accepting' So far, that's been enough for me, but everybody's different so I guess you have to do some introspection and decide what it is you want from her.

[Cherylgyno]

Jackie makes a great point. Involve her.
My wife is 100 o/o supportive. She caught me soon after we wed. She criticized my makeup, that was her o ly complaint.
Make it a point to show your affection toward her. Always open doors for her. Tell her those 3 magic words as often as possible. Whisper sweet things in her ear when opportunity knocks. In short be Donna Juan.

[docrobbysherry]

Looking back at my experience with my ex, Daniel? I'd say u have 5 choices:

1. Discuss ALL of both your issues deeply and completely. Work out compromises u both can live with for ALL your issues.
2. Get a good, experienced counselor to help u work out #1.

3. Separate, probably get divorced eventually, and both of u can live as u like.

4. Sneak dress, get caught, then do #3.

5. Or, do what I did. We did whatever she wanted. I build up resentment and hostility. We tried #1. Then, #2. But, it was too late and we ended up doing #3.

[carhill2mn]

It is unlikely that you can do much to change her opinion. She might change over time as long as you do not do things that will upset her even more. I think that you should continue to do the things with which she is OK and, perhaps, her attitude will soften over time.

[Stephanie47]

Daniel, you indicate what she is accepting of, i.e., bra, panty and stockings. However, you did not indicate whether this is underdressing or you sit in the livingroom watching television in a bra, panty and hosiery. You haven't said whether you have asked her why she feels that way or if you have, you did not state it in your thread.

Perhaps, if you did wear dresses, heels and makeup (wig???) the transformation would erase any vestige of your maleness and throw her mind into lesbian mode. Generally, women marry men for their maleness. You're asking her to change the dynamics of the relationship.

Maybe you can convince her to let you dress as a woman on Halloween.

[Jaylyn]

Jack-ie just pretty much said it all when she said try and let her have some input, if she is ok with the things you mentioned then you are way ahead of most. I seem to have the opposite problem she was very accepting at first even helped me with makeup and has even painted my toes n nails. Now she doesn't want anything to do with it, so once again I say take your time and let her grow with you.

[Tracii G]

I get the feeling you are possibly pushing too hard.
Some women have a limit and she seems to have a bra and panties hose limit.
If all you talk about is crossdressing maybe she is tired of hearing about what YOU want and not what she wants.
Maybe she doesn't want to be forced into participating in all of this?
How would you feel if she wanted to dress like a man and have you put on her hair piece or fake beard?
Force you to talk all about how she wants to dress and act like a man.Pretty sure you would get tired of that pretty quickly.
I'm just guessing but I have seen lots of posts here over the years that sounded a lot like this one and the guys were pushing too hard.

[Julie Slowinski]

Tell her those 3 magic words as often as possible. Whisper sweet things in her ear when opportunity knocks. In short be Donna Juan.
I agree with this, except the Donna part. Stick with Don Juan and give her her loving husband 99% of the time. My wife is very accepting, but has no interest in participating (no shopping together for Julie clothes, no sharing makeup and definitely not interested in joining me on en femme outings). Before I started going out, I would dress with her around maybe one or two weekends a month and maybe twice as often when she was not around. Now that I've started going out, I dress even less in her presence, but have made it a point to be extra loving, say those three little words as often as I can and just be an engaged husband as much as I can. This makes things a lot easier when I do dress in front of her or when I tell her my plans for going out. By the way, I tell her my plans for going out, first cuz I want her to know what I'm up to (which is more important to me than her), but on a more practical level just to make sure it fits with the family schedule. The bottom line is that I never want her to feel that Julie comes before wife and family.

My advice is to is start with making sure she is aware of how much you appreciate her and then have some frank discussions about how you can both get your needs met. Maybe the solution is to just find some times for you to be able to dress while she is not around - could be her out of the house for a while or maybe Daniel takes a trip, even if only to to spend a night or two alone in a hotel room.

[Melissa Rose]

Unfortunately, you cannot make her be more accepting. That is a journey she has to make under her own power and at her own pace. However, you can support and aid in the journey.

As for getting her more involved, start slow. Start by listening. Listen to truly understand and not listen so you can explain or defend. Do not make it all about you. Allow her to ask questions. You may have to nudge some questions out of her. Find out her fears regarding your crossdressing. Address those fears so she can better understand. Don't address those fears by telling her what think or how she should look at things. You can provide clarity and facts where she may be guessing or assuming.

As a last thought, I am speculating that she is processing bras, panties and pantyhose more as fetish items and less as crossdressing. Whereas makeup, clothes and heels cross the line into crossdressing territory and are more external and readily visible. This could be a reason for what appears to be partial acceptance or tolerance.

[Sue101]

My guess is she thinks bra and panties on a man equals sexual fetish whereas clothes and shoes means transgenderism/transitioning. She thinks she will lose her man if you proceed further. The best policy is to make her talk and ask her to explain herself and discuss her fears. Then it is up to you to demonstrate her fears are groundless. This is a slow process that will take months and years to progress.

[GretchenM]

It is obviously a big problem for many of us and it has no easy solution. Lots of good suggestions here.

My wife wants nothing to do with it and knowing how she is that is not likely to change, even after a gift of the finest chocolate ever. I guess it is a matter of adapting as well as you can to what you would like and what her expectations are. Limits of how much is acceptable seems to be common. I think Sue brings up an excellent point regarding a sense of loss. Based on reading so many posts here the fear of her husband transitioning is a powerful force in her mind. She married a man and she wants a man and not a man who becomes a woman sometimes or, dread the thought, all the time. It impacts her sense of position in society with all the fears that comes with that. Some overcome that; others won't even go down that road. We are all different and tradition can be a big thing to a woman and wife. I think as Julie says, be a super husband to her and as a man help her in ways that a woman would help her. If she asks about the feminine things you do to help just tell her that you do those things because the woman in you wants to do those things and that complements the man in you that is also there. Then gently slip into the matter of gender expression (dressing) as a part of that feminine part of you. Maybe she will connect the two and be more open to that if there is benefit for her. Is this the way to do it? I have no idea. Hasn't generated much for me, but then we are all different. Worth a try. I guess the main point I am making is to somehow make it a benefit for her to allow you to express that part of you. Not by telling but by doing.

[Micki_Finn]

You can’t “make” her accept anything. It’s about finding something that works for both of you, not changing her so you get your way.

[Christina Cross]

Hi Mickey, I can sympathise with your predicament. I am a Closet CD, I have been married for over 40 years and secretly crossdressing a lot longer, If my Wife found out she probably would go to pieces, a risk I have to take by being very selective where and when I dress so the case for not telling her about my trait is definately a no no. In your case I would make a deal not to fully crossdress in her presence. Hope this has helped. Good Luck.

[Teri Ray]

Melissa Rose has it right. Sound logic from my experience.

[EmilyByNight]

I don't have any experience with an SO, but when I was living with my parents I found that, unfortunately, a DADT situation was the only compromise. They wouldn't bother me about it, as long as I kept it completely private. Some people can't be convinced.

[patti1569]

One thing that helped my wife was educating her on crossdressing. Many people have gross misconceptions about it. I just recommended several on line articles on the subject. It really helped calm her fears (i.e. Wanting to become a woman, being gay etc...). It was good for her to learn more about crossdressing
From a nonbiased source.

[char GG]

Matching dresses! Eck! I think that would be a big turn off. Even GG's don't want to wear matching dresses!

Also, drag shows may be a little bit much if she hasn't even seen you dressed yet.

Maybe your idea of fun by having her help you get ready and help with makeup is not her idea of fun. Maybe go to a make up salon for a makeover to give you some pointers.

I agree with many who have said you may be pushing too hard. My suggestion is to back off a bit.

[Sarasometimes]

I'm basically in a DADT but my wife is ok with me wearing plain women's jeans as my only ones are now such. In fact the same as hers and she also tolerates my plain black Hane's microfiber panties along with a few other things. Well the last time I needed panties i could not find them in black so I asked her if any other colors would be OK and she wrinkled up her nose and said, "Like what? Not any pastels or prints." Her comfort level was met so i hunted a bit more and found some plain black ones, very similar.
I think you need to ease up and be happy with what she is OK with and as char GG said "eew, matching dresses!" The problem with drag shows are that she will get a mixed message about where you are possibly headed.

[Zoeytgtx]

Just think you are pushing a little too hard here with you wife. How long has she known about your dressing? Your short description seems to imply she's ok with you underdressing but anything obviously feminine on the outside will freak her out. Think you need to keep it within the present borders and give her a chance to catch up. Any possibility you could go out alone, if that's what you need to do?

[Sometimes Steffi]

I'm basically in a DADT, but my wife tolerates me going out with the gurls once a month or so.

Other than that, it's hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.

She hasn't seen any of my clothes, never mind me wearing them.

I once wore a pair of loose workout capris in burgundy. Except for the length, I thought they were pretty male, but not male enough for her.

Sara, look for some red ones; they might be acceptable. Or what about white cotton. I really like my Hanes white cotton (panty) briefs. I even wore them openly in the locker room at the gym. OK, I didn't strut around in them, but I didn't hide them either.

[tasidevil]

Wives vary across the board in their acceptance. 20% will never accept (based on surveys), maybe 10% will fully accept and the rest vary all between. This article may help you understand their feelings https://www.sisterhouse.net/familyroom/2013/11/10/how-your-crossdressing-changes-your-wifes-opinion-of-you/#post-615. Trying to involve them more is usually not workable and could lead to more resentment, but it helps when they understand who you really are. You need to listen to what they say https://www.sisterhouse.net/library/category/transgender-resources/the-wives-speak-out/?numtoshow=3&archive=yes. My wife allows but prefers not to see so I minimize her exposure. Occasionally she'll comment on my dress, not always favorably. We have reached an unspoken agreement of what she is comfortable with and what she is not. I fully dress in public, she knows, but I go with friends and keep it away from her

[Tina_gm]

I get the feeling you are possibly pushing too hard.
Some women have a limit and she seems to have a bra and panties hose limit.
If all you talk about is crossdressing maybe she is tired of hearing about what YOU want and not what she wants.
Maybe she doesn't want to be forced into participating in all of this?
How would you feel if she wanted to dress like a man and have you put on her hair piece or fake beard?
Force you to talk all about how she wants to dress and act like a man.Pretty sure you would get tired of that pretty quickly.
I'm just guessing but I have seen lots of posts here over the years that sounded a lot like this one and the guys were pushing too hard.

They are pushing too hard, and that mostly that wives and other partners don't really have anything much to actually do. They are basically just bystanders. Heterosexual women are never going to find it exciting or a turn on. At best they just won't mind it, but as goes their sexuality, they will likely find it to be a turn off.

Many of us just have to realize there isn't anything in it for them, and they can't really even participate other than to be around and give you tips or pointers I guess. a wife is generally not going to find a lot of enjoyment interacting with their husband similarly as they would to their daughter, or a niece or perhaps a younger sister, giving them tips on how to properly dress or to do make up and all that. Women don't generally spend a lot of time with each other just to dress and get all glammed up. Girls nights really aren't about that, even if they do get all glammed up to go out to a club or something.

What I am trying to add to what tracii is saying is that besides trying too hard, realize that there really isn't anything for them in this. They are just spectators mostly, and watching their husband dress as a woman is likely not a fun thing to spectate.

[Trione]

Well I started with panties and hose and wife didn't quite get it but was OK as long as I was reassuring that My love was only for her. We would go shopping and after a few month of DADT she made the statement of that would look cute on you. She always loved her lingerie and here she is tell me that this teddie would look good on me.. She was the type that wanted a sexy nightie before a nice dress. After a while we shopped lingerie together and we always made a point of tell the SA if we were looking for her or something that would look nice on me. I did all my CD at home and never went out for a number of reasons. I was a sometime CD and didn't push it on her but there were nights she would tell me to put on a nice gown so we could cuddle by the fireplace and enjoy our wine.

[karenph]

They are pushing too hard, and that mostly that wives and other partners don't really have anything much to actually do. They are basically just bystanders. Heterosexual women are never going to find it exciting or a turn on. At best they just won't mind it, but as goes their sexuality, they will likely find it to be a turn off.

Many of us just have to realize there isn't anything in it for them, and they can't really even participate other than to be around and give you tips or pointers I guess. a wife is generally not going to find a lot of enjoyment interacting with their husband similarly as they would to their daughter, or a niece or perhaps a younger sister, giving them tips on how to properly dress or to do make up and all that. Women don't generally spend a lot of time with each other just to dress and get all glammed up. Girls nights really aren't about that, even if they do get all glammed up to go out to a club or something.

What I am trying to add to what tracii is saying is that besides trying too hard, realize that there really isn't anything for them in this. They are just spectators mostly, and watching their husband dress as a woman is likely not a fun thing to spectate.

Well stated Gendermutt...I think you summed it up nicely. Your characterization is an accurate description of my wife.

[IleneD]

...You need to listen to what they say https://www.sisterhouse.net/library/category/transgender-resources/the-wives-speak-out/?numtoshow=3&archive=yes.

I concur with Tasi. The SisterHouse website provided good answers for my wife. I give her full credit for at least trying to do her research and homework on the matter of crossdressing. She told me she actually Googled "men who want to be women", and came up with all sorts of pro/con CD and TG stuff. What she drew out of her own research was that this CD thing is REAL. It isn't going away (at least not on it's own). And that the preferred and recommended treatment for "the disorder" (I hate it when they call it a disorder or disease), is to LET THE CROSSDRESSER DRESS. It's the best therapy.

Sometimes having her do her own independent research on the topic of crossdressing men is the best answer. She can discover her own answers.