Questioning my gender

[PushupBraBro]

Hi everyone!

I am a 23 year old newbie crossdresser who after a few trip in public dressed is beginning to question my gender identity. The urge to crossdress began in middle school for me as a sexual fantasy of being forced to crossdress. It has been the only sexual fantasy I’ve ever had and I used it to masturbate every time I did so. Recently I’ve begun crossdressing and have done it in public a few times. I feel less and less male and am beginning to think I am transgender. I haven’t masturbated in weeks. Sometimes dressing gets me excited, but I never act on it. I wish there was no sexual component. Today I saw a GG dressed well and wanted to be her. I am seeing a therapist for a variety of reasons including this, but she is not a gender specialist. I’m so confused about who I am. I’ve always heard that transpeople know their identity from early childhood, which I didn’t, but just crossdressing isn’t me, and the idea of transitioning is kinda exciting to me.

If anyone could give me some input it would be so greatly appreciated. Thanks!

[Rachael Leigh]

My first advice is find a gender therapiest. Knowing you are trans as a child is not always true. I knew I was somewhat
different then other boys but didn’t have a name or full understanding until I got much older.
And most important wanting to transistion just because it’s cool is not a good reason. Transistiong is very serious and has
lots of ups and downs. I’m just now beginning my journey and I’m finding it already difficult
I hope this helps
Rachael

[Melissa Rose]

...the idea of transitioning is kinda exciting to me.

This phrase jumped out at me. I've heard many describe transitioning, but "exciting" is not one of those descriptions. IMHO, it seems you are caught up in the excitement and release, and may not be aware of what transitioning really means and entails. Get some help and find some clarity to your thoughts and feelings. Gender identity can be one heck of a confusing beast and it can take time to see through the noise and confusion. A good gender therapist will help you sort through your thoughts and feelings, but it up to you to make the final evaluation.

[Mirya]

I believe that most transsexual women have felt they were a girl since early childhood (around age 5). Maybe they didn't have the words to describe it at the time, but when looking back they can usually identify a few things from those days that signaled their gender disconnect. I realize this is not true for all TS women, but in my own personal experience and from what I've seen and heard, it's very common.

You also wrote that "the idea of transitioning is kinda exciting to me", which to me is a bit of a red flag. I've talked to a lot of TS women over the last few years, and I don't know anyone who was actually excited about the prospect of transitioning. I remember back when I shared with my transgender friends that I was going to transition, my TS friends responded with things like, "<sigh>, I had a feeling you were going to..." , and they'd add a tired smile. While the reaction from my CD friends was more like, "That's so exciting!" and "I'm so jealous!" The truth about transitioning is that although there are a few exciting moments as you begin to live life as your true self, the transition itself is extremely difficult and at times torturous. It is not something that you should want for yourself unless you absolutely need it. And it's certainly not something you should be excited about.

Finally, while it is easy and natural to focus on the physical aspects of transition, you must also consider the social implications. Living as a woman has a whole lot more to do with your expected role in society than it has to do with your choice of clothing. Living as a woman will dramatically alter both your existing and future relationships with friends, family, and co-workers. Is that what you really want (or more accurately, NEED) for yourself?

[Peggie Lee]

You got some good advice, take transitioning very serious and I hope you seek out guidance from a gender therapist as they will help you to know for sure what your true gender is.

[PushupBraBro]

Hi everyone! Thanks for giving me a lot to think about. I really appreciate it! Perhaps I am getting a little caught up. Thanks for explaining so clearly. I will definitely check out a gender therapist as soon as I can.

- - - Updated - - -

I should clarify what I meant by exciting. I didn’t mean to imply that transition seems like buckets of fun or cool. I meant that it seems to be calling me. I would be incredibly frightened to actually transition. I feel crazy for even thinking about it now.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

you are crazy for thinking about it..LOL

[ashleymasters]

Don’t be discouraged. I have come to realize I’m trans. For a long time I thought I was just a crossdresser also. As a small child I was taught shame and fear about my female identity. I’m not saying the same is true for you. What i am saying is there’s no rule about Being trans. Take your time. Weigh each step carefully and expiremnt with as many non permanent measures as you can. For me the deciding factor was becoming comfortable with letting feminine characteristics out even in male form. Good luck to you. And don’t feel pressure to name what you are or fit into any guidelines.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I started a lot like you with forced crossdressing fantasies. I'm a lot older than you (like almost 3 times older) but I didn't go out dressed until about 10 years ago. I went through a lot of therapy, maybe 5 years out of the last 10. I've come to conclude that I'm "Just a crossdresser" or maybe bigender or genderfluid and have no desire to transition. But I love to shop and go out dressed and I'm in a local meetup of about 100 active TGs of all flavors.

So, be careful what you wish for. I've heard that once you start transition with HRT, there's (almost) no going back, as some of the changes, particularly breast growth and libido, become permanent. But maybe someone who is a MtF transexual can better advise you on this.

[OCCarly]

The only thing that excited me about transitioning was the thought of putting a permanent end to a lifetime of anxiety and ten years of panic attacks and stress related illnesses. Medical transitioning is serious business, involves powerful drugs and can carry some serious health risks.

I knew I was a girl when I was four or five— until I was told that I wasn’t. (This was in 1968). I made three attempts at transitioning at different stages in my life and was thwarted every time by society. This is my fourth attempt.

Take your time with your therapy. I’ve been on hormones for 18 months and am only just finishing up public coming out and name and gender change.

If you take your time and follow your head and heart, you will find your path.

Carly

[Jean 103]

All good advice.
If you can seek out a LGBT center. Go, sit down and talk to them, like face to face. Join a support group. They can also help you find a therapist for starters.

I for one did not know I was this way till only a few years ago. There were signs, but I pushed them away. I tried to be the best man I could be, job, married, it’s what a man is supposed to do, right?

Fast forward to today, I’m out and have basically have socially transitioned. I live as Jean a transgender person. I don’t hide who I am. I live in the real world, with regular everyday people. If I didn’t like my life I wouldn’t be living this way. Still it’s not all peaches and cream.

Love Jean

[IleneD]

PushUp, dear.

You are so fortunate to be You in the day and age, and at this time of your life.
First, yes. You are wise to even ASK these questions in the first place. Some "men" struggle for a lifetime with a sense of innate femininity and can't explain why or what it means.
You are about the same age when I had my most powerful struggles with orientation and gender identity. [I'm 66 and "grew up" in the 60s/70s]. In my childhood and as a young adult, we didn't have the internet. Back then, any man that presented as femme in any way was simply QUEER. Everyone and everything was lumped under the homosexual deviant label. For the longest time I believed I was gay or something close to it. I won't go into any details about the adventures and horrors along my journey then.

I was at a crossroads, so to speak, at about your age. At the time I was living alone in a strange city and working hard. My inner girl was stronger than ever, and I was struggling mightily to "just be normal". Yet I was under-dressing and fantasizing about being femme. "Please just let me be normal like other guys. " I remember the anguish well. Such were the pressures in those days on an otherwise normal looking guy.

Right before Christmas (long ago) I remember becoming fetched by a green dress in a dept store. Don't know why but I obsessed about that dress. It would be my first dress EVER, but I put off the purchase until after the holidays (due to $$). During the holiday I met the woman who would be my wife of 40 years and best friend. It happened by chance at a time when I was literally at a crossroad in my life. I had the choice of going strong down my Femme Life path or taking the more Straight Life path.

I tell you in the interest of full disclosure and honesty. I won't sugar coat this. I made a good choice that I don't regret. I prospered very well and had an amazing life because I consciously elected to lead a more "normal guy" life with a family and career un-effected by my habit. "Being Straight" (so to speak) opened wonderful doors and led to great experiences AS A GUY that I could never trade. Empirically, it was the right choice.
BUT..... it came at a terrible cost. In order to pull it off, and lead that Straight Life, I had to suppress the girl inside me. I had to deny. I had to lie to myself and others. I endured shame and guilt. I continued to underdress in more fear than ever that I would be caught. It came at the cost of not being Me. It all sucked.

NOW.... in my 6th decade of life, in retirement and with no career to protect I have to deal with the questions I should have addressed when I was a young man. I tell you with all my heart, I absolutely love Coming Out and having the freedom and UNDERSTANDING to be the woman I am re-discovering within myself.

My loving advice to you, PushUp, is have no fear of what is churning within you. In this day, there are sources of information and help. Be true to that inner self. Don't forsake it like I did and have it torment you for a lifetime. At least get some professional help. And remember that seeking counseling doesn't mean something is 'wrong' with you. Everything may indeed be right. You just need to talk it over with another set of ears.
Hugs. Good luck.

- - - Updated - - -

Steffi,

Just a side note. I've followed and enjoyed your advice since coming to the forum. So enjoy you. But I've never gone past your cartoon avatar for a serious look at the Steffi behind the WonderWoman Bugs Bunny.
Steffi, you are quite a handsome woman in your own right. I was so pleased I did the simple act of clicking on your profile. Seriously..... if I am ever in the nation's Capitol again I am taking you out to lunch. A most interesting human being.
BTW.... love your comment. Reminds me of where I am at now in my re-discovery. I'm learning I am quite likely trans. I want and have always wanted to be a woman. I am a late in life "Come Out", and probably about your age or near it (65). I so want to spend more of my life as Ilene than as Tom, but at what cost? There's a lot of support on this forum advocating late life full transitions. There's others, like you, who seem to fully comprehend their situation yet made the decision to only partially transition.
Hugs. Thanks.

[pamela7]

Sometimes we tell ourselves without realising, for example, your user id here is "PushupBraBro", not "PushupBraSis". Given all the possible choices, at the time, "Bro" it was.

Having said that, myself, I'd buried my feelings so deeply in this regard, that it took a long time for the real knowing and real me to emerge in relation to gender identity. Give yourself time, relax, enjoy the CD life, try out living as a woman, and time will tell, if excitement wears off or if it is really telling you your deepest yearning.

xxx Pam

[Teresa]

Pushup,
I agree with Rachel, go and see a gender therapist , you have too many confusing aspects , I feel much of it is down to age hence the emphasis on the sexual side .

OK I admit even at my age the sexual component is present still and at times a frustrating nuisance but I'm still a functioning male with needs .

Many of us don't honestly know our gender identity it takes time to discover it and possibly not without professional help.

To truly need to transition isn't exciting , it full of heartache and pain for many people , to achieve the goal sometimes means losing the life you knew and struggling to build a new one and it can mean a huge financial hit .