At peace soon.

[Alice Torn]

My tortured life is almost over and i will find peace and rest at at last in the dust of the earth. I cannot take any more of religious guilt, and family oppression , having to take care of my evil sister, who is a devil, and being an old loner guy, which are the most vulnerable to mass murders. I do not want to hurt others like the Las Vegas shooter. I will put myself to sleep, and unwanted lonely tormented tortured man who crossdressed, never got to enjoy a mate or family, and was so utterly odd and misunderstood. I only hope for mercy and healing and love in the next world. The pain and agony and torture and torment lately from family and others is too much, and rather than hurt others i will go to sleep.

[Petra1]

I hope you mean you will go to sleep for the night and wake up tomorrow.

[josie_S]

same. please mean go to sleep for the night and wake up tomorrow.

[Lisa Roberts]

Um.... does anyone personally know you from this Forum. PLEASE REACH OUT TO THEM.
Please tell me this is a poem or something.
Lisa

[Traci H]

Alice you sound like you are in a dark place at the moment. Please consider that you have friends here and all feel your pain. Please do not do anything that would hurt yourself and maybe seek some counseling if at all possible. God loves you in whatever form no matter what some religious types will tell you. You are unique and this world is yours to enjoy.
Traci

[Kayliedaskope]

Please, Alice .... don't do anything to hurt yourself. You are among people who care here.

[Tracii G]

I'm an old loner guy with a very very bad past and have hurt a lot of people mentally and physically but I found my peace why can't you do it too.
From this day forward be the best person you can be regardless of what is going on around you.
Don't let those people or entities drain the goodness of your heart Alice.
Sure we all carry burdens and have to live with what we have done I am no different.

[Joan_CD]

Alice we all feel that way from time to time. IT WILL PASS. Please Alice step back and take a breath. Reach out to a hotline or a professional. We have all been in your dark place. Please know you are a good person and can’t allow others to decide your life. We follow your life here and we care. PLEASE!

[Jean 103]

No please no no. Pm me any time please no

[VivienneH]

Stay safe. Please.

Best wishes. Xxx.

[GretchenJ]

Alice, on days like these, you have to take things one day at a time. Do not resort to rash decisions, and please reach out to a friend, or a therapist for help.

Things will definitely get better.

[Tina June]

Alice - All of us here love you and will help you in any way we can. Please hang in there.
There is always hope.

[JocelynJames]

For every one of us that reaches out there are dozens more that would like to. We all care and enjoy your posts and your wit. I agree we've all been in a similar dark place. If there is one place you can rely it's here. Not just friends , but family. We want you here and to feel you belong here. I want you here and to continue to see your statuesque figure in each piece you've acquired. Sometimes we feel like no one understands, I think here....we understand more than anybody. Stay and thrive in this community. We love you Alice!

[Rachael Leigh]

Alice you are loved here and while that may not mean much we do care.
We all have our sad days. My decision recently to go full time has made me think a lot how could I hurt many this way
But I know this is who I am.
We are all beautiful in our own way you included
Please be safe
Rachael

[mykell]

think of the folks like us that care about you. The pain, agony, torture and torment lately from family and others is too much, and rather than hurt others i will go to sleep.....please enjoy the dressing in spite of this....its part of who you are, the hope, mercy, healing and love in the next world can wait for you....dont make any hasty decisions....please hang in there.....i think it best someone else cares for your sister, she seams toxic to you.....please hang in theyre alice

[CarlaWestin]

Alice, If you need someone to talk to please call 1-800-273-TALK. There is always someone there to listen.

[Pantyhose Queen]

Alice, tomorrow is a new day!! Please seek some help from either a therapist, friend or even spend some time volunteering with the cats at the shelter -- they need you!!

Walk away from the trauma and don't look back!!

PS, keep the leg posts coming :)

[patti1569]

Alice, we have all been in a dark place at one point or another. Please, please don't do anything rash. Life is beautiful and so are you!! Just reach out for help. There is nothing that you can not overcome. Trust me, I have been there too! Just another day, just another moment!!

[Lana Mae]

Alice, you are a wonderful person! Do not do anything rash! You took time out of your life to care for your father and now your sister! It's about who you are and not what others think! We all love you too! Go to sleep but wake up tomorrow! Hugs Lana Mae

[DIANEF]

Alice, please don't do anything hasty. Look at all the messages here. You are not alone.

[Dana44]

Alice, please don't do anything rash. You have taken care of your family and that is great love towards them. Don't let anything they tell you as toxic. let it roll off and wake up tomorrow for a nice day.

[OCCarly]

My goodness Alice please don't harm yourself. Please talk to someone. To me you have always been a heroine and an inspiration. I have had my own problems with mentally ill family members and with my father. I always look forward to reading your posts. Please, please don't do anything to hurt yourself.

[karenph]

Alice - please reach out to someone on this board. please be safe.

[Stephanie47]

Alice, I hope you are only referring to advancing age. Over the years I have read many of your threads. You mentioned not too long ago that you were seeing a female counselor with the Veterans' Administration. I suggest you should contact her. I'm a veterans who sees a female counselor for issues other than cross dressing or sexual identity. She does not know I am a cross dresser. However, we have had some discussions within the context of current political events and hatred some people display towards people who are not like them. It is her opinion that every man and woman is born with some degree of dna of the opposite sex. Depending on the genetics the pull is greater in some than others. Over the years many of your posts indicate you have listened to people, including your toxic (your word) family, who seem to be just plain ignorant or hateful. I can see this has had a negative impact on you. Please call the VA crisis line.

As to your toxic family. Your brother, who is not in jail as opposed to the one in jail. is hateful. Your sister is toxic. Hanging around these toxic people will always have a negative impact on you. Please try to make arrangements to live elsewhere. You are being held hostage by them. Sometimes it is difficult to make a clean break, but, it is necessary. Personally, I experienced a lot of pain because my mother totally rejected my wonderful wife. Not based on anything my wife did or did not do, but, because she was a mentally ill woman. I saw her sickness was affecting my family. It's not easy to turn away from flesh and blood, but, sometimes it is necessary.

Not intending to get into the religious aspect of your life, but, over the years you have mentioned your church is very conservative. "Conservative" may not be the best description, but, I think we can see this has caused you a lot of turmoil. I use to attend a conservative church. All I heard from the pulpit was hate for others and condemnation for a lot of people I knew who were good people. People who were my friends and family members.

I hope you and those reading do not think I am preaching. Reach out to your old counselor. Call that crisis line the VA maintains. Please!

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Such a sad post Alice. It's easy for others to think, why can't she just walk away from this family of hers? - but I know you are driven by a conscience that is powerful and which sees walking away as an impossibility.

I hope you find the strength to keep going and that you'll be here with us many years more. As so many others have said, you are a valued part of this forum and although we are spread around the whole world, we are a community.

Hugs and best wishes,

Nikki

[marshalynn]

Alice, don't let your evil, the devil sister or anyone else in your family win by hurting you. If you do what you suggest doing, that will not help you at all and all the crazy people that are hurting you, will still be with out you trying to care for them. Pick up your suit case and get in your car and drive away as far as you can and don't tell them a thing. Go to a shelter if you have to and start a new life. The new life has to be better, where ever it is, no one to torture you any more. You seem like a carrying and lovely person, go out in the new world with out all the hell you are leaving behind you, just be your self and you will find peace and new friends to care for you. Marshalynn

[Persephone]

Alice,
I've read your messages here for years and consider you as one of my CD family. Please do not do anything that will take you from our family.
If you need help please reach out to it. Start with a phone call - 1-800-273-8255. Please.
Hugs,
Barbara

[Linda P.]

Alice, it's darkest before the dawn. Every new day that comes is a new opportunity to begin a new life. Think of all that you have come through before and know that you will pull through this the same way. Hold on, don't give up, just keep thinking of the brighter future that you deserve.

[Lisa Roberts]

Alice. Please let us hear from you. I'm scared for you. I've been where you are. Don't let hate win.
You are loved.
Worried-
Lisa

[Jayne44C]

I'm not walking your path, so I don't know your pain. I have had hard times struggling with life in general too. Then add in trying to get past the stigma and hate we face. Please remember that there's people you can reach out to and are willing to help. Pick up the phone, send an email or post another note here. Just hold on....hold on. :)

[Lana Mae]

I don't know if you are still out there but( I am going to say it whether it gets removed or not!) God does not want you to end this! He has more work for you to do! Your good deeds are not unnoticed! Notify us if you can! Hugs Lana Mae

[Bobbi46]

Alice for God's sake if nobody elses don't think of departing from this mortal earth. Everybody on this forum including me are all pleading for you to reconsider doing what you intend to do..
Life at times seems a dark place to be and I have considered doing the same on 3 occasions now but always thought about those that love me for me what I am where will it leave them?
You must reconsider this and try and find a way to go forward.
We are all here for you, just send a PM you will have all the support you could possibly want. DON'T DO IT DON'T GO DOWN THE DARK ROAD YOU ARE CHOOSING RIGHT NOW

[JenniferR771]

Alice. Get away from the toxic sister. You don't need her criticism. Forget the obligations--you don't owe her anything. Lose her phone number. And go shopping. I am sure it is time for a new fall dress. I want to see you newest purchases.

[Erin Lafleur]

Please take advantage of the VA crisis counselors or any of the other excellent resources suggested in the replies. Nothing but good can come from it.
You may also PM me if you like and I will send you my telephone number for you to call. I'm not a professional in this field but I am more than willing to help in any way that I can.
Hang in there Alice, we all care about your well being...
Sincerely,
Erin

[IamWren]

Alice, I'm going to add to the chorus of sisters who are pleading with you to take a step back and just take a deep breath.
Hold that breath. Let it out and take another.

Alice, as I've read your posts and looked at your photos throughout the couple of years I've been on the forum, I've looked at the title with anticipation. You look like you always have fun in your photos and comments you make in other threads always add to the conversation.

But I have also read about the extremely difficult time you've had dealing with your family that is so very toxic. It's no wonder you're in the place you are. The relationship you've had with them is poisonous to your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual well-being.

You have done what you should though. You've given of yourself to them. It is time for you to take care of you now. Distance yourself from them and your being will heal yourself from that poison.

Please Alice... please peek back in here and tell us you're ok.
There will be no judgement from your sisters here.

[Ressie]

Alice, you can come visit me if you need to get away. You have CD angels looking out for you. Seriously, send a PM to me if I can help.

[Kayliedaskope]

Alice, please .... talk to us. We're all scared and worried for you. Please don't do this.

Don't give up! That's what they want. If you give up, THEY WIN. Do you really want to die knowing that they won? They won't care. They'll be sitting on their back patio sipping margaritas going, "Yeah, check it out - we were so badass that we drove Alice to kill herself." Don't give them the satisfaction.

Change your will - cut them entirely out of it. (Even better: leave them each a nickel so they can't contest in court that you didn't leave them anything. :p ) Sell the house. Get an RV. Pack your bags and get the hell out of there. There are many of us here who would be able to help you out to set up a new life somewhere else.

Don't give up - don't let them win.

[Sarah Doepner]

Alice,

Your presence and contributions here have helped others. Your struggles have opened minds and hearts. The daily torment you get from family is something we can't understand, but there are other ways to resolve those issues. Letting their disapproval, anger or hate rule your life is becoming one with them and we have seen you are better than that. Reach out to someone who can help. Please?

[Lynn Sealy]

According to her profile, Alice's account checked in to this group at 10:21 this morning and is currently reading the posts in this thread. I am hoping it was her personally visiting.

Alice we care, and we love you. Please let us know you are alright, and how we can help.

Hugs.

[Lisa Roberts]

Oh God I feel so helpless. Alice I was where you are just last month. PLEASE CHECK IN HERE. Let's make a fresh start. Please.
Lisa

[Alice Torn]

I am just barely hanging on, run ragged. I have had the same horrible issues since decades and decades ago. I am a pathological empathic cedependent, with a brain disorder, and bad genetics. My parents had no business marrying , then having four extremely troubled offspring. I live 19 miles from her, and she bought a very destructive puppy which she cannot take care of . I had to take my sister to a small clinic, then the next day t ER, and she is in total denial, thinks she is so righteous, and superior to men, and thinks she is superior to me, and superior to other women who are married. She was born premature, has dystonia and mental blocks and had a nervous brekadown in teen years when a boy asked her if she was available. She made herself look ugly as she could so boys would not want her. My parents took her to NY for two brain ops. She lost her speech then. Cannot understand 10% of it. She drinks cola all day long, annd eats sugary junk food much, and ice cream. She wil not listen to anyone. Now, she is in severe back and leg pain, and they found she has bladder infection, too. She thinks she is fine, and needs no advice, and will never die. After all, she is the superior one! She expects me and my brother to take care of her, but neither of us men want that. She needs to get a female helper, or get into assisted care apartment, but, because my brother took care of my mom, and i had to help with my dad six years, she expects family (only me, and my brother) to do it. My brother and i are agreed in that it would kill us, and ruin what is left of our lives. She wants to stay in my dad's place the rest of her life. My brother and i need to take the puppy away, becaus she is unable to care for it, as it willtrip her up. My brother and i are getting along better than we were a few years ago, as he sees the trainwreck, too. My sister i think has evil spirits in her. she froths at the mouth, and drools too. She despises anything with a penis, and is a nightmare to deal with/ HELL ON EARTH! I have enough of my own emotional illness, and disease to deal with, and cannot handle much more. I am still alive, may have to pick the sister up a t the hospital and take her home today. She does not think she has any faults, but tells me i am the one who is sick. I am one who admits his faults and sins, and is open, but she is too proud and in denial to admit she needs to change anything. Hell on earth. ONE MOMENT AT A TIME RIGHT NOW. Still considering anything, too stop my pain.

[Lisa Roberts]

Alice, as we have all stated in our replies, we are with you. Please please reach out and get some help, you need someone to talk to to help guide you through this. None of us here actually know you personally but you are one of us. Your are loved by total strangers.
Lisa

[Lana Mae]

Alice, oh you scared me half to death! You are one of the first friends I made on this forum! You need help for your sister! You need help for you and your brother! Not sure about all the ins and outs but social services may need to get involved! You and your brother need a break! If she is foaming at the mouth and drooling, she may be having seizures especially since all she is eating is sugar! Maybe diabetic seizures! She sounds like she needs professional help you and your brother are not qualified to give! Get the help you all need! Talk to a councelor on these issues and...get help! Keep us advised! We all love you, Alice! Super hugs!!! Lana Mae

[Alice Torn]

Thanks to all of you for caring. Sometimes i feel like a sick loner, and no one cares Several people i know, and told about my struggles just told me off, very meanly. My family all have some mental and emotional, and physical flaws. I have some menta lillness and emotional illness./

[Dana44]

Try calling social services. They may help. They should assess her needs and try to meet those needs. If those needs are great enough and she cannot care for herself, they would probably take over her care.

[Carole]

Alice, if you were to go ahead with what you are appearing to tell us you will have let them win, you are worth much more than that!!
Illegitimi non carborundum or 'Don't let the *******s grind you down'

[Alice Torn]

Again, I am still hanging in here, but struggling.. I know many of you have struggled for years with some very difficult situations with mates, family, and personal pain. This is the closes t, next to three yrs ago, i have come to putting myself to sleep. It is not much my brother, but my sister's hell that is sapping the life ou t of me. My brother is gone for two weeks, and all hell broke loose when he left, with my sister, and the beagle pup she foolishly bought. The pup tore the hel out of the kitchen when i took my sister to ER. She had bought a beagle pup six months ago, and it tore the hell out of the place, and my brother gave it to the Schwanns ice cream guy. The dog must go, in spite of sister's extreme stubborn madness. I am just over whelmed by all the stress, lack of sleep, crisis after crisis, and feeling helpless, and dealing with my own codependency and emotional illness. Never felt so much like ending it all. Hopefully will get through alive.

[JoanneB]

You hang in there, Alice. I have had a few times when I have had enough, but things always had a way of working out to my liking. Just put your trust in God and it will become better for you. I will be praying for you and your well being. Never give up-it will get better.

[sometimes_miss]

I'm late to the party as usual, Alice, but I agree with what most are telling you. There's no reason to forego the assistance which is available. Whenever you start to feel so depressed like this, call one of the hotlines and talk to someone. That's why they're there. At some point, you have to start making yourself the priority, and as difficult as it may seem, jettison the toxic people from your life, whatever it takes. Otherwise they will keep dragging you down and making you miserable. Your relatives have resources as well, and what you can do is give them the information so that they, too, can help themselves. You're all adults. They should be taking care of themselves at this point, not burdening you.

[JocelynJames]

Please continue to fight these feelings. Talk to people here. Venting can help greatly. As you saw by the outpouring, WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU!

[Amy Lynn3]

Alice, we are all humans and every one of us are important. Think of it as a chain. If one link goes missing we all fail. You are a link in our never ending chain and we all want you to keep pulling, because we are pulling for you. Remember, when you are down, look up. You will see God and all of us willing to help in any way possible.

Concerning your sister. It sure sounds if she needs both mental and physical help and will not seek either on her own. May I suggest, that if you ask her doctor to order home healthcare for her, a nurse will be sent to her home on a regular basis. If she is old enough for Medicare they will pay for it. That will take the burden off you and your brother.

[suzy1]

Thinking of you Alice. You were here when I joined all those years ago and the place wont be the same without you.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I am just over whelmed by all the stress, lack of sleep, crisis after crisis, and feeling helpless, and dealing with my own codependency and emotional illness.

You're clear about the causes of your present emotional state Alice, and that's a very positive thing. It's much better to have that insight than just to feel miserable and hopeless without understanding why.

Recognizing that part of your problems are caused by codependency is surely the first step towards moving forward? Your family have given you a focus, a function, an occupation for many years. But they've also cost you dearly.

Perhaps some detachment would help you catch up on the missed sleep?

Thanks for keeping us in the picture, I hope you've found some comfort at least from the expressions of affection and support you've found here.

[Jenny22]

Alice, as has been suggested, go to social services and get their help!! That's why they are there. Its possible that they will institutionalize your sister thus relieving you of that burden. Then, drift away or go away from your brother. A change of venue for you would be very positive. Discuss suggested options with your VA counselor, who may be able to step in and take some form of positive action on your behalf. Don't hurt yourself in any way. "Tomorrow" can be a much brighter day for you, if you take charge of your life anew. We, your loving sisters, are your family, and we care about you to the max. Good luck, Alice. Your new wonderland awaits. Hugs and love.

[Erin Lafleur]

Well said Jenny,.. excellent advice...
Alice, I think many of us here have had similar "dark nights of the soul," I know that I have.
I have always found the following quotation to be helpful for me, I hope that you will find it helpful as well...

“When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn.” – Harriet Beecher Stowe

[Julie Denier]

So much good advice here. Please be well, friend ;)

[Kayliedaskope]

Alice, I have also struggled with ending it all. At 27, I was broke, all alone, in debt to the tune of $25k, felt like there was no one who gave a damn about me, and I was sitting in my garage looking down the barrel of a .38 Special. I wanted to end it all, just to be out of pain and misery, but I pulled myself back from the brink. This is something I do not tell people lightly, as it cost me a HELL of a lot of mental and emotional pain for many, many years afterwards. It still hurts to think how close I came to just ending it all. I didn't have any support, no one to go to, no one who cared at all .... I had to fight through it all alone.

Get your sister to assisted living NOW! She's too big a load for you to handle on your own. You are not trained to take care of someone like this - the people at assisted living ARE. She is the main cause of your problems and grief, so it is HER that you have to get rid of, not yourself.

Please, ask for help and then ACT on it. Don't let them continue to poison your life like this.

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Alice,

There's probably not much I can add here that someone hasn't said already or said better, but it was such a relief to see that you're still here. Take care and I hope things get better for you.

Elizabeth

[debbeelee1]

Alice, you're to the point that the only person you need to take care of is YOU. Let someone else take care of your family. That is what social services is for. Don't let them drive you over the edge. Do whatever you can to separate them from you, even if it means moving.

[Bobbi46]

I have just had PM from Alice she is taking it a step at a time. But we must keep our messages going if only to save Alice from harm!

[Rachael Leigh]

Oh Bobbie that is such good news, yes I hope she can feel better and hang in there

[Lana Mae]

You can do this, Alice! One step at a time! Onward! Best wishes Hugs! Lana Mae

[StarrOfDelite]

Please, please, please take the advice of your friends on this message board and seek professional help! Call the Prevention Hotline, please.

1-800-273-8255

The counselors on the hotline also have experience in referring people to other professionals who can help. If you would feel more comfortable texting or emailing instead of speaking directly on the phone, those options are also available. Life is to precious, even when it is hard, to think about giving it away.

[Alice B]

This is the most depressing message I have ever seen. Don't do it. Get help. It has already been pointed out who to contact. :Life will get better. It always does. Hang in there. We all love you.

[Bobbi46]

Another thought, if we put PM high on the list to send to Alice we will at least keep in touch but a personal touch like that can do so much help for her

[Sometimes Steffi]

Maybe you can find some time for you, or some respite care.

Alzheimer's runs in my family, and there came a time when the person with alzheimer's became too much to care for.

I had the same problem with my mother. My brother lived near her and took care of most of her needs. He needed a break, so J went up to stay with my mother for a week. I can barely even talk about all that happened while I was there. And this is not the place to talk about it.

Short story is that the wasn't acting well and I ended up taking her to the ER. My brother had subordinated hi health care power of attorney to me. After the visit to the ER, she wanted to go home. She flunked the mini mental exam. She was asked who the president was. She said Ronald Reagan. This was in 2004. This activated the HCPA, and I told the doctors she was staying until they could better evaluate the problem.

So, I guess what I'm saying is that maybe it's time for you sister to be under professional care. If finance are problem, she should qualify for Medicaid. If nothing else, she can get evaluated, you can get some rest and perspective.

[sarah_hillcrest]

Hey ALice, there is a great song by the White Stripes called Little Acorns which I think you should listen too here's the lyrics.


When problems overwhelm us and sadness smothers us, where do we find the will and the courage to continue? Well, the answer may come in the caring voice of a friend, a chance encounter with a book, or from a personal faith. For Janet help came from her faith, but it also from a squirrel. Shortly after her divorce, Janet lost her father, then she lost her job. She had mounting money problems. But Janet not only survived, she worked her way out of despondency and now she says, life is good again. How could this happen? She told me that late one Autumn day when she was at her lowest she watched a squirrel storing up nuts for the winter, one at a time he would take them to the nest. And she thought, if that squirrel can take care of himself with the harsh winter coming along, then so can I. Once I broke my problems into small pieces I was able to carry them, just like those acorns, one at a time.

Take all your problems And rip 'em apart,
Carry them off in a shopping cart,
And another thing you should've known from the start,
The problems in hand are lighter than at heart,
Be like the squirrel girl, be like the squirrel,
Give it a whirl girl, be like the squirrel,
And another thing you have to know in this world,
Cut up your hair, straighten your curls,
Well, your problems hide in your curls.

[cdtraveler]

Alice My Dear,
You are loved and accepted here.. as. you. are. Reach out and ask for help my dear you deserve it. We all do.and I will be praying for you!

Amanda

[Becky Blue]

Hi Alice, can't add much to all the wonderful posts above except to say we are all here for you sister and feel your pain... see if you can get some professional help!!

[Kellitgdet]

Alice,
You are a sister in our community and you are loved by us. Please continue to reach out for help. Life can be unbearable, but you have shown great strength. Draw on your strength and this community.
Kelli

[GretchenJ]

Hey Alice,

By reading the posts and support from the members here should tell you that you are centainly not alone my friend ! I agree with the others here, that you have taken care of others for a very long time, now is the time to start taking care of yourself!

[Alice Torn]

sorry for the silence. Had to be gone the last day and night. I see my VA therapist soon, and will go to a 12 step meeting for codependency Sat Morn. Amazing thing happened. Went to the food bank, and sat down til my number came up. People at the table were discussing dogs. One woman said she know a man who badly wants beagle. I told them about my sisters beagle pup who is tearing up the house, and my sister is unable to care for it. Well, after i got my food, the woman followed me to pick up the beagle and give it to a good home today!!! I text sister, and she is upset, but i did the right thing. I ate a good meal today, and am on my way back up to moving out of the very dark place, but i know with my issues it is one day at a time, even one second at a time. I am not suicidal at present, partly due to all the support from you people. With my bipolar, and disorders, it is one day at a time. Thankfully, my sister is at a nursing home for several days, and i am not visiting her , she is getting phys therapy, and my brother gets back tomorrow afternoon! I will have to face her anger, but i explained it well, and she will be reimbursed for the $300 she spent on the beagle. Beagles are not good indoor pets. They are hunters, and hyper. There is no way she can care for it, in her condition. She has been spoiled and coddled all her life. She need a wake up call. She does not have empathy for me and my struggles at all, partly because i am a man. Cleaned up my apt for county inspection today. Again thank for all the great replies, PM's and support. This was about the fifth time i came very close to ending it all in this life. Last December i was put in the Madison Wis VA mental section for 4 days, and had a month pf group meetings. That helped a lot. I had to seek help in 1990 when i was a helper for a q4 quadriplegic man for a year, and gave him rides for six years, plus doing my window washing business! Burned out. One minute, hour and day at a time, in this screwed up world, which is getting much worse since the total eclipse of the sun.

- - - Updated - - -

I hope to take a little mini vacation real soon!

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I remember a saying, "Sorrow and misery may last all night, bu joy comes in the morning." I am a fighter, and this will not wipe me out. I am feeling better, and mus t never give up. AS i have been through many hellish times and did not give up totally.

[Tracii G]

I am so glad you are doing better Alice.

[Sarah Doepner]

Good news. Relax while you can and take time to breathe deeply. I will look forward to more positive notes in the future.

[aprilgirl]

Hi Alice,

One day at a time is key, so keep looking ahead. Good on you for finding a nice home for your sister's pet. Beagles (all dogs are good) are notorious for being runners, and considering your sister's situation, it wasn't a good fit for either. Speaking of pets, have you considered adopting another cat? I was saddened by your recent loss of Minnie, and though she can't be replaced, I'm sure one would steal a place in your kind heart. Kim

[Rachael Leigh]

Alice besides the support you get at the VA yes remember we are all here as well. Everyone has something going on and finding the right support and help is very important.
Stay strong girl
Hugs Rachael

[Shelly Preston]

Alice its good to hear you are getting yourself back on the road to good health. :bh:

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Alice,

This is such good news and it certainly sounds like things are getting a little better for you. I hope it continues to do so.

Good luck and take care,
Elizabeth

[Erin Lafleur]

Happy to hear that you are heading in the right direction! There are lots of us in your corner!

[Lana Mae]

OK Alice! I knew you could do it! Onward and upward! Happy things are a little better! As you said, one day at a time! Hugs Lana Mae

[DIANEF]

Alice, take that vacation and enjoy it!!:) I'm so glad things are looking up.

[Jennifer in CO]

any chance with your Sister's medical history you could get her committed? At least for a week or two so you have some healing time and possibly her to with outside help

[Alice Torn]

aprilgirl, I still have one big rambunctious cat, a gray one, and am hoping to adapt a kitten soon, or two. Just hope th beg guy is tolerant. He was ki9nd of jealous of Minnie.

[Bobbi46]

Alice,
carry on just as you are you doing so well and coming out of that dark place nicely, keep looking forward, towards better things don't dwell on the past try and box it all up and leave it well out of the way. but be positive as you are being now and you will be fine.

[Kayliedaskope]

-quietly slips my arms around Alice and simply holds her, knowing that sometimes, words are not enough-

[Alice Torn]

I have suffered depression all my life, and a lot of dysfunction, but have some faith in a higher power, and recovery minded, but a lifelong lower income bachelor, that never fit in well, as my dad was a misfit too. The whole world is pretty dysfunctional now, though and always was.

[Ressie]

I don't believe the whole world is dysfunctional. Most people are sane and good. They mostly likely have dysfunction in their families but not nearly as extreme as how you describe yours. There are 4 members of my family that have mental illness (only two living) to some degree and another that goes to AA meetings. The right medication has helped immensely for all but one.

Me, I'm just a crossdresser which turns out to be pretty good. I've found that CDs for the most part are intelligent, caring and well adjusted.

[DressyJenny]

Best wishes, glad things have become more manageable. Life is always worth living. No maettee how bad things get. You never know when something amazing will happen. Just like how you foune a good home for the Beagle.

[Amy Lynn3]

Alice, I just saw your new Avatar picture and I love it. Be blessed my friend.

[Alice Torn]

Ressie I agree that most on here are not that dysfunctional as my unusually toxic family has been. I am a blue collar very tall guy 98 % of the time. but i have been odd all my life and had many inner struggles that few understand, and i tend to believe my family has curses, for this life. I am an adult child, and codependent empath, and never had good healthy boundries, never felt that i was worthy of love or a mate Always felt different, and a loner in a crowd. Crossdressing i have had since around 13, and some emotional illnesses. Every day has been a struggle for me. I wet the bed until 20 yrs, then joined the military, and only wet the bed once after that. SOme families have definite genetic mental and emotional and social ills. My sister is very angry and will not answer my texts. She is also angry that i have not visited her more than once at the hospital or nursing home.. I am swamped and over whelmed with all i have to do at my place, and taking care of everything at her place, as my brother is out of town too.. She has zero empathy for me. Its all about her. I tld her i was suicidal, and had to get help for me. And that i need to take better care of me. I found a lady who would be able to visit her 3 hour a day at home to help. Unfortunately, my sister is a bit psychopathic and cannot feel that i am suffering MORE THAN SHE IS! WHen i have very negative experiences or incidents with mean angry women, I tend to not want to dress up much at all.

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I know everyone on here has different views on things, and some a re atheists, some are religious, and all have differing ideas or philosophies, but i want to thank you all who are concerned for me. We may disagree strongly on poitics, religion, and many other things, and that is ok. I thank all of you , no matter how we may disagree on those things.. You helped save my physical life here! I was going to give all my lady things away , destroy my computers, and then planned on my ending, Monday, or soon after. Thanks to your concerns, and kindnesses, partly and hugely, i did not put myself to sleep. I am sure we will have our disagreements on things later, but you really helped me hang on to keep going at my darkest hour Thanks much !!

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Very glad to hear you're working through things Alice. Sounds like a good thing that you've had so much less contact with the dread sister.

Thanks for keeping us all in the loop.

Hugs, Nikki

[Alice Torn]

I care about my sister, of course, and hope for her healing in this life or the next life. It is not 100% her fault. She was taught to hate men, by a few sick spinster aunts, who despised men, and a church that taught that sex , and even in marriage, is sinful.. What B.S.!!! She was born premature, had dystonia a rare disease like cerebral palsy, and i think a brain that does not wor4k right, and her body does not work right. My parents spoiled and coddled her, and she thinks she has never done anything wrong, and then my older twin brothers were born, and four yrs later, i was born. So, i am the baby, and never was respected much. I have to forbear and forgive them, but i need to take care of myself, because i have mental and emotional illness too.

[Kayliedaskope]

With all due respect, your sister needs the $&!# slapped out of her for treating you the way she does.

I have a toxic cousin who thinks her bowel movements give off no odiferous emanations, and has been poisoning my family's life for years. I actually had to drop a restraining order on her so she would leave me alone! There may come a time when you too are faced with a choice like this, and will have to choose between family and your sanity.

[Pumped]

Alice, I can not help but think you would be better off to just parts ways with your sister and live your own life. I have a few relatives that are pretty toxic and I spend very little time with them. At some point you need to realize you can not help someone that does not want to improve.

[aprilgirl]

aprilgirl, I still have one big rambunctious cat, a gray one, and am hoping to adapt a kitten soon, or two. Just hope th beg guy is tolerant. He was ki9nd of jealous of Minnie.

Hi Alice,

Cats are really social animals, and I suspect your big, gray one misses Minnie as much as you have. We just took in an older feral cat last week, and everyone is getting along just fine. So glad to hear that you're hoping about doing the same soon. The love and attention they receive is always returned.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Alice :hugs:, Just know that you have so many friends here, Anytime you like just PM me.>Orchid

[SaraLin]

I have to forbear and forgive them, but i need to take care of myself, because i have mental and emotional illness too.

Alice, I feel the need to jump in on what you said here.

There are people who have done things in my past that I have struggled for years to find it in my heart to forgive, but couldn't. I'll never be able to say "That's all right, I forgive you for..." That would let them off the hook for what they did and that's NOT right! What they did was wrong - period. And until the day that they show true regret for what they did, I see no need to forgive.

That said, I couldn't live life letting anger and resentment eat away at my soul either. So what I found that worked for me was best expressed by the word "release".

I release the events of the past. I release the pain, the negativity, the damage caused. I choose to no longer be defined by the words or actions of those who would do me harm (or have in the past).

I also release the people themselves. They are no longer a part of my life. I distance myself from them and no longer allow them to attach themselves to my life, my energy, my SOUL. They are free to live their lives as they like - but without me in it as their victim (they'll quickly enough find another one).

Release rather than forgiveness. Sounds simple, but it's hard to avoid getting sucked back into all the drama and trauma. It takes persistence and knowing it's necessary.

The fact that you've allowed yourself to be taken advantage of so badly suggests to me that you have a good heart. You're just allowing the wrong people to use it. Family shcmamily - if they aren't there for your highest good, move on.

AND TRYING TO BRING THIS RANT BACK ONTO TOPIC....
the same philosophy of release has worked for my dressing issues. If a person isn't able to accept me as I am, I simply release them back to the wild with my blessings. Sooner or later the right one comes along - as soon as there is room in my life.

[Angie G]

Alice I just seen your thread and it makes me very sad to think of you being in such a state. Please don't od anything to take yourself from us. Your to much a part of this site And ye all love you girl.:hugs:
Angie

[Bobbi46]

Alice,
Somehow you have got to grip this problem by the horns and say to yourself I can get it all sorted out and I can have a good life. You just have to have faith within yourself to push forward to good finish.
All of us here are behind you me included, this you must not forget with our support for you and the help we can give you, you can win this thing.
Just stay in there if not just for us but for you as well. Keep saying to yourself tomorrow will be better than today.

[Alice Torn]

One day at a time. I did not sign up for this. The sick family of origin nightmare, or the strong proclivity to be a lady part time. One day at a time. This world is the true hell! Thankfully, my Higher Power does not send anyone to a BS eternity of hell. Not even Hitler could do that! Love and mercy, and forgiveness, and wisdom and understanding gets me through my bipolar and depression. Dressing up is only one compartment of me. I like looking nice as a guy too, and going fishing as much as dressing up as a lady. My parents should not have married, or should have gotten counseling. But, back then,that was considered weakness, and divorce was frowned upon. The adult children suffer for a lifetime after wards. Someday, in the next age, all the freakin curses will be gone. One day at a time in the toxic world, and i am sorry for all the people suffering from the hurricanes, and fires, who are now confronted with mere survival, and times are really tough for them, having lost everything they worked for. I am a survivor, will be stronger . All the crap we go through can make us stronger , or do us in. I must have stronger boundriies and take care of me better. Thanks again for all the PM's and posts and support, even though we are all different, and have different views on many things. May mercy follow you all.

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Sara Lin, I thank you for sharing that. I do not accept the crap my family has done to me, or other bullies and jerks. But it will eat me up inside and kill me, if i do not "let go" They "will rap what they so," What goes around comes around. I f i am honest, i know i have wanted to do very bad things to some other people, and i did do some very bad thing sin my life, too, that hurt others badly, to be totally honest.. But i am sorry and tried to apologize or make amends to some of them. We all need boundries, and to remove ourselves from abusers. i quit a good job because i had a workmate that was far seniority to me, and he made my life very difficult. It was not worth the pay to be in a truck with him all day, and walk on eggshells. Forgiving is more like letting go, and getting away from the crap. Like an old country song, " Everybody has their day, every body has to pay, everybody got to meet their Waterloo!?

[Tina_gm]

Alice, many others have said so many great things. For me, when things get crazy, I just think of my plan B. I have never had to use it, never come real close, but should I ever find I fall off the rails completely, then I'll just go live quietly enjoy the simplest of things, probably in a small town in nevada, I will probably drink too much, and gamble at the penny slots, probably in a dress or some other form of women's clothing, and I truly won't give a damn about anything. One thing I know I won't ever do is give in to life. It may be the only control I have, but I would be defiant and say NO! you are not going to break me down to where I tap out of life.

I am not suggesting you do this, any of this of what I would do. I only hope you find the same sentiment in your own way not to give in and tap out. Whatever my end is, it will be met with me fighting. Fighting to live on. Should it be old age and illness, I will fight that too. I am now, as I find myself now at middle age, or so they say I am. I will live forever until I die. PLease be good to yourself, look for joy. You gave someone something, an animal for someone to love. We all have that ability to be good and do good. Best of luck finding better days, they are out there, and sometimes when we can't find a good road to travel on, we need to build our own.

[Bobbi46]

Alice,
There is always hope, hope for something better, hope for a new start. You just have to generate more hope within yourself do that and good hope for the future I am sure will be there for you, keep fighting for that hope and you will have hope within your grasp to hold and to keep and to use for the future, keep fighting for yourself and you will get there.

[Alice Torn]

Though dressing up is against my religion, i still ask for help from a Higher Power, as in the 12 step programs. One day at a time. Easy does it. This too shall pass. Let go. Stop listening to that comittee in my head and voices of others who don;t understand. All this hell of this life is temporary like a passing shower. A lot of you have suffered even worse things what i have. Mental and emotional illness i have had ALL my life. Not just a recent thing. I have to accept i have this and the dressing thing. Won't go away until the next world.

[Beverley Sims]

Alice,
Life is wonderful and all the darker things you speak of can be put aside by changing your lifestyle, just tweak it a little each day and things should improve.

There are enough encouraging posts here for you to ponder over.

[Alice Torn]

With bipolar and a few other disorders, l overthink a lot. My sister is in a nursing home until Oct 21 in physical therapy. Giving her beagle, which was tearing her place up, and stressing me out was a good thing to do. It has a good home now, and even though my sister is upset, it is best. I am recovering from the nervous breakdown, even got dolled up today. I am on better terms with my brother now. Thanks for all the concern to all of you.

[sarah_hillcrest]

Yeah getting that dog out of the house was the best thing you could do for it and the house, and really everyone else too, good call!

[FrannGurl]

Hi Alice
I am fairly new here and although I don't always post , I read from others here as we are all going through different things

I was outed and divorced by my wife.
She told everyone about me including my mother, even showing her pictures of me.
I lost my marriage, job, home and she also took my retirement .
I wanted to end it all. The police even came to my house when I mentioned to my ex that I was tired and felt I had no reason to go on.
I was lonely and alone and looked to alcohol, pot and cocaine to dull the pain.
It took over 8 years to finally feel alive again and accept myself.
Its something I wouldn't wish on anyone, and you are not alone.
Everyones struggle is different and I was glad that I didn't go through with it.
Is my life perfect now?
No, but I now have a boyfriend , I accept who I am, but still not fully out
Stay strong, appreciate the little things and if you care to chat I would be glad to hear from you