The hardest thing to come to terms with

[Samantha uk]

My story is like many others on here. Got married, eventually told my wife, she had a tough time with it and now we are working through it. But the most confusing thing about it all are the conflicting feelings of femininity and sexual arousal.

When I dress its because I want to feel feminine but being a hetrosexual man I get aroused by the vision I create which in turn creates a sense of shame and confusion. Theres no wonder we have a hard time coming out, how can you explain that mixed up tangled web of emotion to someone who doesn't have those feelings, especially if your still trying to work it out yourself.

I'm a bit more forgiving of myself as I get older but is still a bit of a mine field and I often get to a point where I think 'sod this, put it all back in the box and leave it until next time' Which is probably not a bad thing because theres a million other things that I've got to get on with.

Does anyone else feel like that?

[Dana44]

Yep when I was younger. Shame and confusion is a powerful combination But I finally got over it and feel good about myself now. .

[Pat]

The current research says the sexual arousal during crossdressing is an "extinction behavior," (which isn't as grim as it sounds -- it just means that the arousal will extinguish over time as you get more exposure to dressing. The urge to dress will stay.) So overall it's probably a better strategy to dress and get exposure to it than it is to not dress and drag the whole process out. (no pun intended.)

[Jaylyn]

I have many of those feelings. The arousel, the shame but it's fading some, I'm just getting older and think this is just me and I try to convince myself I do this just like a hobby. The dressing does make me look way younger and I love that. It also makes me stay in physical shape because I want to look good. Like you though I sometimes dress and then feel I need to get out to the farm or do something else in my shop. I get to thinking I don't have time for this today. I do feel like I would enjoy being a female but I also like myself as a male on other times. There's triggers that bring all the feelings about it seems.

[Samantha uk]

The current research says the sexual arousal during crossdressing is an "extinction behavior," (which isn't as grim as it sounds -- it just means that the arousal will extinguish over time as you get more exposure to dressing. The urge to dress will stay.) So overall it's probably a better strategy to dress and get exposure to it than it is to not dress and drag the whole process out. (no pun intended.)

That does make sense to me because arousal and feelings of femininity do feel like two very separate things

[Jenny22]

I've been extinct for a long time!

[patti1569]

I've had to deal with all of those feelings too. Especially as young boy going thru puberty!! Lots of mixed emotions! Even now, I find myself questioning who I am as a person. Not the easiest thing in the world being a crossdresser, but I would never change that part of me even if I could.

[Lana Mae]

I have had these feelings for years and never understood or questioned much! Really only started dressing 2 years (more or less) ago! Since I have started, I have not felt the shame or guilt I did earlier in life! It is just a journey and I am along to enjoy the ride! Hugs Lana Mae

[Rachael Leigh]

What happened with me in my journey was while there was a time that happened to me I hated it. It became to me an
Annoyance. Now as I’ve come to terms with my gender identity it’s not an issue anymore. Getting dressed for me is my normal there is nothing sexual about it at all.
So for many there may always be that element but for some it goes away once you accept who you are
My two cents worth
Rachael

[Jennie2]

Hi Samantha
As the other replies have said sexual arousal often comes with dressing but does diminish with age. Like you I still do get aroused by my reflection in the mirror when dressed, but not that often now. I never felt shame or confused, and you should try not to as you are what you are, a Cross-dresser, you were made this way don't be ashamed of what you are or do, be proud of yourself. I am.

Jennie

[Alice B]

Not at all a reason to feel shame. We all do it.

[reb.femme]

I've certainly been through that phase of sexual arousal. That's how it all started for me :devil: but, I never felt any shame. Just didn't want to get caught, which eventually happened.

Becky

[Linda P.]

Have fortunately never felt any internal shame or guilt, but was well aware that I would face condemnation by others if found out. As far as sexual arousal, like others have said, it diminished with the years but the enjoyment and fulfillment is as strong as ever. This question of sexual arousal I think for some may be a cause of the guilt feeling because to be sexually aroused by an inanimate object, clothing in this case, is considered a fetish and persons with fetishes are generally looked upon as having mental/emotional issues. Leading some to feel what they're doing is wrong.
For myself it's always been a guilt-free enjoyment of an activity that has harmed no one and given great emotional satisfaction. I feel very fortunate to have discovered this aspect of my personality and to have it grow and flourish.

[Gillian Gigs]

One of the few joys about growing older is not giving a rip what others think any more. Coming to accept oneself is to forgive yourself and move beyond shame, guilt, and confusion. Sounds like you may have a bit of a fetish thing going on, but don't beat yourself up about it either. A fetish is really nothing more than a sexual quirk, and we all have quirks. It's just that western culture has hang ups about sex, so fetishes have a stigma to them.

[Tracii G]

So glad I never suffered all the shame ,guilt and emotional baggage that some struggle with.
I am surprised too because I was very much an alpha male in a very alpha male structured group of people.
If anyone should have had all the troubles dealing with gender dysphoria it should have been me.

[RADER]

I also felt shame when dressed; now at age 70, I am just glad I can do it.
Rader

[alwayshave]

I no longer feel ashamed when dressing. I also don't have sexual arousal from dressing as I did the younger. It's just something I enjoy.

[Stephanie47]

I think every man who wears women's clothing has felt shame, disgust, self loathing, etc. It's against societal norms and expectations. Society in my youth said any man who wore women's clothing was a homosexual. That was really confusing to a young teen who openly lusted and salivated over attractive girls and movie stars. How can someone reconcile those desires with the desire to appear as a woman. When you get to heaven maybe there will be some revelations.

I cannot explain why I feel the desire and sometimes necessity to wear women's clothing. It does bring me peace. It is sometimes an escape from issues I really do not want to tackle at the moment. My advice, if someone wants an explanation of why you wear women's clothing is to tell the truth. You do not know. Explaining how it makes you feel is different than what makes you tick.

[Julie Slowinski]

Wow!!! A lot of very well adjusted girls on this thread.

Samantha, I think that the silent majority of crossdressers are in a constant battle between arousal and shame - the two seem to go hand-in-hand, at least they do for me. The arousal part has diminished somewhat over time, but not as much as I would have liked. What has provided more balance for me is a stronger desire to present well and most importantly do so without guilt or shame, which means that I have to do some mental jujitsu to put the arousal part out of my mind and focus on the experience of being dressed. Just like everything else with crossdressing - it takes practice. Hope this helps ....

💋💋💋 Julie

[sarah_hillcrest]

Samantha, trust me I'm sure everyone feels like that. From 2002-2015 wife an I probably had sex around 2-3 times per month and I'm not going to sugar coat it, half the time sucked. It sucked because I felt so much shame and guilt over what I found arousing. In 2015 we were close to divorce. Wife was miserable and told me she was going to start looking elsewhere for sex. I broke my hand when I punched a wall. Life sucked. I made a friend online (ironically who I sort of knew in RL) and spilled my guts to this person, told them I felt like a girl half the time, felt like crap most of the rest of the time. I guess it was like therapy but talking to her helped me to accept myself. Told my wife in 2015 that I was weird and would always be, and that loved her but if she couldn't handle it we had to go our separate ways. Then we had crazy passionate sex.

Not to brag, but we've had wonderful sex 5 times in the last 10 days.

Moral of the story... Women like sex, no need to feel bad about it. Just do it.

[Maria 60]

My wife once told me I create how I want to view women. When I see a women that I like the way she is dressed, and it doesn't have to be sexy or erotic just everyday women. I will try to recreate the look and if I do it I will get aroused or if I try something new and can't believe myself how much I look like a women.
From my first time putting on pantyhose till almost fourty years later now I still get aroused putting on pantyhose or soom feelings being dressed.
It's not as arousing as when I was younger but there are times when it just feels great and just can't help to get aroused.

[DIANEF]

I think every man who wears women's clothing has felt shame, disgust, self loathing, etc. .

Not every man. I felt elation, excitement, anticipation of when I could do it again and how much further I could go. Of course in my youth the sexual element was there strongly, but for a long time now the main focus has been on looking the best I can and 'acting the part' if you will. Shame, disgust, self loathing? Never!

[Meghan4now]

The current research says the sexual arousal during crossdressing is an "extinction behavior," (which isn't as grim as it sounds -- it just means that the arousal will extinguish over time as you get more exposure to dressing. The urge to dress will stay.) So overall it's probably a better strategy to dress and get exposure to it than it is to not dress and drag the whole process out. (no pun intended.)
I'm DOOMED! Ah, oh well, what the heck, this IS starting to be more satisfying. Now where did I leave that dark eyebrow pencil.

Yeah, you are NOT alone.

[Becky Blue]

I have never experienced any shame. From age 12 to 40 dressing in any items of female clothing was a huge turn on. Until that point I had never dressed properly nor wanted to. Literally overnight it all changed and suddenly I needed to dress properly and that is when Becky emerged and the turn on factor disappeared suddenly and totally.

I think there are many differing routes we all take on this journey for some it will always be sexual for others it may never be. Maybe the increased need to dress reduces the sexual desires or perhaps its the other way around..

[docrobbysherry]

I still get turned on by Sherry. In fact, sex is a big part of my dressing in private. But, I've only been dressing for 20 years. And, one of these days I'll get old and not care about sex at all. I'm only 74 now.:straightface:

But, Samantha, it has nothing to do with "feeling fem" in my case. I don't think I even have a "fem side". It's mostly about what I see in the mirror!:daydreaming:
And, it's not one particular item that excites me. So, it's not a fetish.
What did Blanchard call it, "Autogynephilia"?

I've suffered a lot of guilt from dressing, but, never from the "having sex" part. I believe ALL consenting sex is good sex!:o

[IleneD]

SHAME? You betcha!. Shame, guilt, denial.... all dark destructive forces.
That was the point of Coming Out at long last. Put away the shame and the guilt of wanting to look pretty, be pretty, BE my inner self even if it made no sense to those around me.
NO MORE SHAME.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I'm baffled by the whole guilt/shame thing. I don't know why I've never experienced it, but I had no religious indoctrination and that clearly helped.

I feel so sorry for those members who are tortured by guilt, it's so useless, so corrosive, so counter-productive.

[Micki_Finn]

I think most of us here can relate to some degree. For me I did indeed feel shame and embarrassment, but for me it was kind of from the other side. I know so many great LBGTQ people, I felt like my behavior would be shameful to that community. I felt like because I became sexually arroused around women’s clothing that I was some kind of “cheap ferishist” and that what I was doing would be looked down on by the “respectable” LGBTQ community.

What really changed for me was taking control of my dressing once I came to terms with who I was. Once I took control of my dressing and was able to dress on my time on the way I wanted things really shifted. I don’t get the rush of adrenaline and hormones when I have a couple hours to sneak on some “girly time”.

So now I feel much more in control and human. It CAN be a sexual/erotic experience, but that’s my decision now. It deserves to be said that there is nothing WRONG with sexual arousal during your dressing. It’s all about what you want to get out of it.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I think every man who wears women's clothing has felt shame, disgust, self loathing, etc. It's against societal norms and expectations. Society in my youth said any man who wore women's clothing was a homosexual. That was really confusing to a young teen who openly lusted and salivated over attractive girls and movie stars. How can someone reconcile those desires with the desire to appear as a woman. When you get to heaven maybe there will be some revelations.


I used to feel shame and disgust, an crossdressing was quite arousing at one time



Not every man. I felt elation, excitement, anticipation of when I could do it again and how much further I could go. Of course in my youth the sexual element was there strongly, but for a long time now the main focus has been on looking the best I can and 'acting the part' if you will. Shame, disgust, self loathing? Never!


But now, I accept myself, and almost always feel elation, excitement and anticipation. The only time I don't is when my wife takes it upon herself to criticize my behavior. But, I'm getting very good at ignoring her criticisms.

[SaraLin]

I guess for me, these feelings were best defined (for me) by one particular skirt I've owned for years now. Perhaps sharing my story will help?

It's not an especially pretty, or sexy skirt. It's around knee length, a lightweight nylon fabric, with a heavily patterned, mostly blue coloring... but it's one of my favorites - partly because it's the one I've had the opportunity to share with a couple of the GG's I've dated in the past (It's just SOOO cool when they want to borrow something of yours!). It also can serve as a good symbol for the sexual arousal question too. Here goes...

Lying in my drawer or hanging in my closet, it's 'just a skirt'.

When it was being worn by my girlfriends, it wasn't the skirt itself that was turning me on. It was the girl in it.

When I wear it, I've discovered that it isn't the skirt itself that gets me 'turned on' (if it happens at all). It's more the idea that I'm in it. For me, this is me granting myself permission to feel feminine and pretty - and somehow a large of my sexuality is tied up in this. When I can feel like a girl, I discover that I can also feel sexual, and yes, this feminine-feeling sensation can be arousing to my masculine parts (inconvenient at that may be at the moment).

My sexual fantasies when dressed are of being made love to as a woman, and the few times that my former girlfriends have indulged me in this fantasy have been mind-blowing. It's a shame that these relationships didn't work out (for other reasons than my dressing, BTW).

[sometimes_miss]

Been there, done that.
Sexual arousal may not be linked to crossdressing; for some, it simply occurs while you're in the process of crossdressing, as when we are young, it doesn't take much to get us sexually aroused. As teens, most boys experience erections for which there no known stimulus. We don't know whether it's some subconscious thoughts, a slightly noticed scent, the momentary peripheral view of something sexy (might only be a girl's skirt sliding up a bit for only a moment, I've been there when I was 17, just a split second glance up a girls skirt who was on the staircase above me did it; all I saw was the lacy part of her slip, but that was apparently enough to get the hormones surging). So if the sight or feel of something you associate with the female sex gets you aroused, crossdressing is certainly going to do it. So of course that's going to lead to confusion.

The current research says the sexual arousal during crossdressing is an "extinction behavior," (which isn't as grim as it sounds -- it just means that the arousal will extinguish over time as you get more exposure to dressing.
That might only be because our sexual drive slows down with age. The above experience for me only occured until I was out of my twenties.
And we're men; we naturally think we look way better than we actually do. That might have something to do with the huge number of folks here who think they look so much younger or able to pass, than they really do.

I can only speak for myself about this. While we do know that how we identify ourselves as either male or female is completely separate from our sexual preference, most have no idea of why there is an inconsistancy between the two. Trying to just say 'it's just the clothes' is an obvious escape line that leaves both people in the dark, as the reason for the desire to crossdress remains unknown. And THAT can become a problem. Because if you can't give a good reason for why you're doing something, the person you're telling about it, will IMAGINE a reason, and you can bet it won't be anything you want them to think. Mostly, they wil think you're gay or transsexual, and either lying to them, or deeply in denial. And unless you have a better explanation (and in my case, even though I DID), then you're sunk.
So it's best to start exploring everything you feel, and when. And when you first started to feel these crossdressing desires. Then either figure it out yourself (not necessarily advisable, it took me 30 years to get it all straightened out), or discuss it with a therapist. Or bring it up here, and be prepared to sift out the good information from the bad. You do have the benefit of the internet for resources, which I did not, so hopefully it won't take you as long.

[Ally 2112]

Felt all the wonderful shame loathing hating myself for years .As i have got older i finally have found acepptance for the most part .Do not over think it just do it if you can or are in the mood be happy

[Maria_mtf]

The op word for word that is how I feel. Recently kept myself busy to avoid dressing too much (20 mins once a week), not been on this site in months. I use the arousal to my advantage, quick finish and dressing urges gone. I think self acceptance is needed, I don't have it.

[Alice Torn]

Religious upbringing and teaching s have caused most all my guilt and shame, being told i was meant to be born a male and i am shameful wearing womens things.

[Kayliedaskope]

:iagree:

Alice nailed it dead-on. Growing up in a religious family in a religious town, that was the same thing I got taught.

"Boys don't wear girl's clothes!"


I wonder what the teaching is like now ...

[Tina_gm]

sexual arousal with crossdressing has not been a big issue with me. Not even when I was a teenager. to be as decent as possible, I experimented with self gratification while dressed and didn't have much of a different experience, other than the clothing. It wasn't a particular enhancement for me.

For me, the entire thing has been hard for me to come to terms with. That I am different. That my gender is not a match physical vs mental. Being a man does not torture me. Dressing as a man, living as one, working as one. But.... I feel too that I am more. I feel a deep connection to women. I may not be one, but I am like them. I connect in a way differently than most other men. I can empathize with them on a deeper level. Greater with them then with men even. I feel a comfort, a relaxation while dressed in women's clothing. It is a completion that I had denied for decades. That that is me, I am one of them, one of you all, is what has been so very difficult. I felt so lost for so many years. Finally realizing that it was real, coming to terms with it. And of course, figuring out how to go through life now, working through it with my marriage. That now is the greater challenge.

[Julie Slowinski]

It deserves to be said that there is nothing WRONG with sexual arousal during your dressing. It’s all about what you want to get out of it.

I think this is a very important point ... figuring this out was the first step on my continuing journey of self acceptance.

[AlexisRaeMoon]

I'll just add that this continues to be a confusing point for me as well, but, if you think about it, as a heterosexual male, it actually makes sense. Right? If the image you're creating is based on an image your sexually attracted to, some level of arousal is to be expected. And it my case, it's certainly true that there's a fetish element with the clothes. I know when I was a teenager, I vastly preferred Victoria's Secret catalogs to Playboys or porno mags. I would rather look at a seductively dressed women over a completely naked one. Maybe I'm weird? Well, yeah...that's a given.

But the thing I always keep coming back to is that I've been interested in trying on girls' clothes almost as long as I can recall. I remember being 5 years old and watching another boy try on a skirt and being insanely jealous. The whole idea was absolutely fascinating to me. So, despite the arousal, there are things happening on several layers here. More and more, the urge to get out in public is overwhelming the need to just get dressed up in private. I can totally see where what others have said in this thread about the arousal diminishing as you go more "public" and integrate the dressing more regularly into your life. Makes total sense. For me, lately, the overwhelming sense I get after getting all gussied up and looking in the mirror is, "Well - now what?"

[Teri Ray]

Whew............. glad someone finally wrote this thread. I thought I was the only one who suffered these feelings. Glad to learn that I am not the only person in the world who went through all these feelings. (just kidding). If there is anyone in the world who can explain the conundrum of sexual arousal from youth through maturity; I figure they would be world famous by now; and have all the answers written in a book like Dr. Spock did for child raising. I figure there is no generally accepted right answer for how to deal with our feelings and behavior. I think we all deal with these feelings differently.

The important result is to be able to answer the question if our actions, thoughts and feelings affect the perception of ourselves and others for being a decent person. Most of my best lessons learned in life came from doing dumb things. I may not know all the right things to do and feel, but I am certain I know many of the things "you should not do".

Life is a learning process. As they say "we get too soon old, and too late smart". So far I am doing well on the getting old part. Still struggling with the getting smart part.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Samantha :hugs:, I have been in this program for 71years and I am still trying to figure it out.>Orchid...:daydreaming:...

[Scarlett398]

Yes Samantha....All three of your paragraphs apply to me! Especially the wife knowing now and still has a hard time understanding why I love to cross dress and I have to do it when she's not around. I would actually feel a bit awkward while being dressed as Scarlett around my wife. We have a very similar way of fashion and dress patterns. She always takes me with her when she shops for clothes because if I give her the two thumbs up when she comes out of the dressing room, she knows it's gonna be a really good look on her.

I asked her if I could reserve one of the five closets in our new home for my CD clothing and shoes and accessories and didn't get the OK so I'll have to keep them in my temperature controlled storage unit I rent. It's only 80 bucks and month and the storage place is huge!

So my hang up is with a more accepting wife and just be able to keep most of Scarlett's stuff in our new home. I'll eventually start bringing my pretty Scarlett stuff in and she will just over look it and let me get on with getting my girl on while she's not around.

That's it for now so I'm in the same situation you're in girl friend. Hang in there, there are more of us out there with wives who just don't get it and I just respect my wife's opinion when it comes to cross dressing. It's just so much more exciting for a male to get excited about putting on all this sexy stuff than a girl would feel by putting on a pair of khaki shorts with a T Shirt and some deck shoes!

Love ya....Scarlett XOXOXO

[Alice Torn]

Arianna Rene, You said it for me, too! Right on.