Is keeping a secret too much to ask from someone?

[ellje]

Hi everyone!

Context: I've been crossdressing since around puberty and have been gradually getting better at it; I'm 30 now. I have never told/talked to anyone I know about it other than with people I've met online from the other side of the world. I'm currently in a relationship (6 months in) with the most amazing girl with whom I can actually see myself being with for good. By all accounts she seems really into me too, lol. I don't wish to keep secrets from her, and would like to share this side of me with her. I've also read many sad stories of secrets blowing up many years into an otherwise good relationship, and generally agree with the advice that disclosure should come sooner rather than later.

My question: Would telling her, and expecting that she keep it a secret be too much to ask? Perhaps my optimism is unwarranted, but my main worry is not that she would react badly necessarily, but that she would feel burdened by having to keep this admittedly odd secret from her friends. I realize that the fact that I would like it to remain it a secret in the first place stems from a sense of shame. Whether that shame is misplaced or not... I haven't fully decided. It would just be easier if nobody else knew!

What do you gals think?

[Lana Mae]

Since reactions can vary so much and you know her much better than we do, you really need to answer your own question! Get on the subject of the LGBTQ+ and see how she reacts and go from there! Just my $.02! Hugs and best wishes Lana Mae

[Joanne108]

Well there is Halloween coming up. You might want to use the holiday to start a conversation. Maybe suggest that it might be fun to do a gender reversal themed couples costumes. Then go from there.

[Jaylyn]

My advice is she should know before you get in to far and have the discussion. If she loves you it won't matter much but if she blows a gasket and throws things at you your better off now than when your fully committed. I would tell her there is a soft side to you and go from there. Soft as in your feelings and you wanted her to know because you love her too much to let this side of you be an issue later. Just tell her your not any less a man than before but you just enjoy the CDng and that's all there is to it, unless that's not all. This is just me telling you what I would do. You really know her better and you have to do what you want and is best for her also.

[FrankieB]

So, it is basically an issue of her being able to keep a secret, not you telling her.
Well, once you do, you'll find out what sort of person she is. And if she tells anyone else, you can always remain closeted and deny it. But better the truth with a partner than having an issue, such as hiding your alternative wardrobe etc

[Kayliedaskope]

Having a secret and keeping a secret are two different things. Of course it would be nicer to keep things a secret, but then are you being honest to yourself? Many stories of shame and guilt abound here ... you have to decide whether or not it can enhance your life or destroy it. Do you want to go out as a woman, or are you okay with doing it at home? And as others have said, will she support you or run away? The only one who knows that answer is you.

[aprilgirl]

You see the need to be accepted for "all of you", and she has every right to know. It's noble that you're concerned over her having to keep a secret, but based on your optimism and outlook as a couple, perhaps it's a secret you two can share. You can express your desire to have that kept between you, and hopefully she understands. It could be that her acceptance and support will eradicate the shame you sense. Trust your judgement, and do what you feel is right. Kim

[Micki_Finn]

If this was just a friend or someone you were casually dating, I’d tell you to consider very carefully. However, you’re in a relationship, and presumably a fairly serious one if you’ve been going out for 6 months. Isn’t keeping each other’s secrets a big part of any relationship? Only you can say how serious it really is. I find it interesting that you don’t seem worried about her reaction. You need to realize that if you do tell her and she freaks out and leaves, all bets on confidentiality are off.

[alesha]

When I first told my wife (we were just starting to date seriously at the time) I didn’t except her to keep it totally secret but I didn’t want her to let everyone know either. She never told her parents but she confided in her closest girl friends (one of whom was a mutual friend). I must say that I was a little bothered by that but in the end it helped her figure things out. Surpingsingly a couple of the girls said that it was no big deal and they knew a few guys that liked to wear panties and one of the girls even dated a guy like that. I came out to my wife as a TS and not a CD.

Like others have said, only you know what she’s like and whether or not she’s the sort to babble to everyone. Regardless, if she’s the one for you, you need to tell her.

[Leslie Langford]

Shame? What shame, even if your girlfriend (consciously or unconsciously) feels the need to share this information concerning your crossdressing proclivities with someone...and likely one of her posse, as women typically share EVERYTHING when it comes to relationships and all manner of personal information. It's the way their brains are wired, as in their world, it is all about friends, families, and relationships, everything else is secondary, and all this over-sharing for emotional support is what generally gets them through the day...especially when accompanied by a glass of wine (whine?) ;).

Shame for you, her, or both? Hardly. Remember, this is 2017 and like you, your girlfriend is likely 30-something-ish as well. That includes being a confident, thoroughly modern and liberated woman who is all about equality of the sexes. You two are part of a generation that is open-minded, generally accepting of all manner of diversity, likely LGBT supportive if not downright friendly, and for whom the concept of being transgender is not so foreign and unlikely to elicit a negative reaction either. So go for it - what's to lose except potentially years of the type of unsatisfying DADT relationships that many of us here are burdened with.

I - and many others here - envy the members of your generation and their openness to new ideas and experiences. Those of us who came of age in the 1950's, '60's, and '70's (i.e. the Mad Men era) didn't have access to an internet to make our connections with like-minded others, or even the vast educational resources available there. We were left totally adrift in trying to come to grips with what these strange feelings that we were being subjected to were all about or where they came from, and we certainly couldn't talk to anyone else about them. I don't think the word "transgender" even existed back then, and we weren't even "crossdressers" yet - we were "transvestites", along with all the negative connotations which that clinical term entailed.

In short, most "normal" people considered us to be a pathetic collection of perverts, and perhaps only one step removed from sexual predators and/or child molesters in their eyes. Naturally, our girlfriends, future wives and SO's had been indoctrinated by the same negative propaganda given the societal mores of the day, so of course, we remained deep in the closet and many of us had to settle for DADT relationships so as not to rock the boat unduly with respect to our partners and our families...never mind any negative fallout in the workplace on top of all that.

This is not your reality in today's world. The Earth will not stop spinning on its axis if you either come out on your own, or else word of your love of crossdressing happens to leak out. If anything, you will likely be congratulated by others for having the courage to be your authentic self. As former U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt would have said in your case "You have nothing to fear, but fear itself."

[IleneD]

To paraphrase Ben Franklin, the only way for 2 men to keep a secret is to ensure one of them is dead.
Now, I don't advocate that kind of extreme but it's a reminder that once your secret goes beyond the boundary of You, it is free to roam about. It can roam wildly, gently meander, or run amok crashing into everything. Once it's out, you no longer control it.
Only YOU can determine if this woman will respect YOU and your privacy, feelings and status. That's the big question. Does she respect you enough to keep this between the 2 of you and do it without being instructed or told to do it? You need to be the judge of that. It is always a risk.
I do support your notion that you reveal this side of you BEFORE you fully engage in a serious committed relationship. It is so much easier to sort out your life together, it seems. Later In Life disclosures are a shock to the entire system

[Territx]

Yep -- this is one of those "being a grownup" moments . . . where you have to make the decision based upon the information you have (I seem to have way to many of those :doh: :o). I think the easing into a conversation about the concept/topic and/or Halloween approaches would give you some additional information and insight. In the end, you have to decide if you can live with the consequences (good or bad) and then once decided, just move forward to the "next grownup moment". :2c:

[Bobbi46]

If you are looking at a long term partnership/marriage you have to tell her as a matter of principal keeping secrets never works and always come back to bite you in the butt when you least expect it. So yes tell her but approach on a softly, softly way ease her into the fact that you cd. Hiding it from her completely spells trouble later.

[MsDyann]

My experience has been its best to tell them before it gets too serious. I have been married twice and told them both before we talked a future. The first wife took it well and seemed to be ok with it. 4 years into our life she found a man, older with what she called more drive to succeed. It didnt hurt he was already rich. To my knowledge she never told anyone. Then when I met my current wife 39 years ago I told her on about our 5th date and she must have been ok with it as she still buys me outfits or shoes or whatever she thinks I might like. So my advice is tell her before you plan a future.

Luv to all DyAnn

[NicoleScott]

I suggest telling her you have a secret you would like to share with her, and ask for her promise to keep it a secret between just the two of you before revealing it. That has nothing to do with her reaction, acceptance or not, but just deals with your request for privacy.

[LeannS]

Ellje You have to tell her and bring her up to speed on what your doing otherwise if and when you reach that moment of being together and she finds out what you have been doing it is not good. You have been lying to her and not being truthful with her she will resent you for it. Take it from someone that knows first hand like many of us here.

Good luck

Leann

[Kayliedaskope]

Suggestion: have a "date night" at home, and maybe watch a movie that involves cross dressing or transgender themes, such as "To Wong Fu" or perhaps "The Crying Game," or maybe just some old "Bosom Buddies" episodes. Ask her what she thinks of that, men wearing women's clothes. (If you want to be a little sneaky, buy some women's jeans to wear around her. Chances are she won't even notice until you point it out to her, especially if you get the plain pocket boot-cut jeans - mine still hasn't noticed my Gloria Vanderbilt's during the past month.).

I can't tell you what her reaction will be - she'll either flip out or be accepting / accomodating - but you WILL need to have The Talk sooner or later. Otherwise, what will you do when (not if) she finds your stash? "How long have you been hiding this from me?" will be the first salvo, usually followed by, "Are you gay?" She may feel that since you hid this from her for so long, what else are you hiding? On the opposite end, she might be a CD'er's dream and be accepting and supportive of this, too. Only you know how her moods are, how she thinks and acts, so you have to judge when the time is right.

[Gillian Gigs]

Topic headline, is keeping a secret too much to ask from someone...YES, it is too much to ask! Secrets are kept by people who are trust worthy and you have come to know over time. You start with little things and grow to bigger things as time passes.

Revealing your CD nature is done by gauging the other individual based on what has already happened in said relationship.

[audreyinalbany]

I"m not sure I buy into this whole argument of 'burdening her with sharing your secret." There are many things that are personal between a husband and wife, or between partners & that doesn't necessarily mean that there is some kind of terrible cross they are forced to bear. If your SO enjoyed anal, would you necessarily have to share that with everyone? Probably not. My wife and I have lots of friends and, honestly, we don't know all the details about their personal lives. & I think this notion that 'women share everything' with their girlfriends is bu**sh** . Maybe when they're 17 they do, but not once maturity sets in.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Topic headline, is keeping a secret too much to ask from someone...YES, it is too much to ask! Secrets are kept by people who are trustworthy and you have come to know over time. You start with little things and grow to bigger things as time passes.

Revealing your CD nature is done by gauging the other individual based on what has already happened in said relationship.


I agree. I think the big problem is if she tells someone and he/she tells someone ...

[docrobbysherry]

Ellje, the answer is, "Yes". Telling her will be a burden. And, she won't keep it a secret if she's serious about u. She'll tell her best friend, or mom, or sister, etc. Because she'll need advice on what she's getting into! So, if u tell her, u better do it when u have the time to discuss it fully and answer her questions as best u can! And, explain she's ok to ask u about anytime in the future.

Knowing that, should u tell her? U have to, because u want to be with her. U don't have to burden your mom, sis, or friends with the knowledge of your dressing, but u do a potential SO. Because they aren't going to be around when u dress. But, if things go well, she will!:eek:

[Pat]

My question: Would telling her, and expecting that she keep it a secret be too much to ask?

Yes and no. Your secret is you are a crossdresser. If you tell her, she'll never tell your secret. But she may tell her own secret -- that her boyfriend is a crossdresser. Her secret is based on your secret, but it's not yours. She has a right to tell her secret. Just saying.

[Tracii G]

6 months in to the relationship is not enough time to really know her IMO.
She owes you nothing at this point if you tell her your secret because you are still getting to know each other.
She may not like it and break up with you and tell everyone so the choice is yours.
You might think you know her even years into the relationship but I am sure she has secrets she would never tell you.
You should be honest and tell her about your CDing and you can ask her to keep it a secret but don't be surprised if she tells a friend.
6 months is hardly enough time to really know a woman.
You might feel you could go long term with her but maybe she doesn't feel the same way right now.

[NancySue]

I’m with Tracii...go very slowly. I told my wife...after we got engaged. I expected her to bolt to the nearest door, but she didn’t. She had a lot of questions and we talked.... a lot. The #1 point was keeping this only between us. Once out, there’s no return. She’s been totally supportive and we’ve been married many years. She appreciated and respected my honesty. No secrets.

[Cherylgyno]

It can be a catch 22 that's for sure. On 1 hand you have very strong feeling s for her and you want to share a MOAS. In this day and age no one can trust anyone.
Just my thoughts... Is there a way that you could introduce her to others like us. If there is mention that you admire a CD for being who she is. Your words and situation will probably differ.
If she says icky that's gross how could a guy dress like a girl. You could run like heck.
On the other hand she could say... Hot diggity dog she is hot, Oh please tell me that you would dress like that. You are free with a lot of open field running.
Best of luck.

[JenniferMBlack]

I am going to be blunt here. Girls can't keep secrets. If you tell her she is going to tell someone. Be it her bff her mom sister cousin or everyone she knows. She isn't doing it to belittle you and maybe not even because she thinks it's weird she is going to want to talk with someone about it no matter how excepting ahe is.

[Maria 60]

I told my wife a few weeks after marriage after I realized it was more serious then I thought, I took a big chance and she had lots of questions but she was ok with it. That was thirty years ago. Leading to me telling her it felt like I had the dice in my hand and I was going to except whatever number I rolled.
I know it's hard to take this chance of losing someone you love and maybe outting yourself at the same time. You can't come here and expect the proper answer, we don't know you or her. This is a great place for advice and the only advice I could give is, better now then later and timing is everything. One thing about women, what's good today is not good tomorrow. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[Diane Taylor]

Secrets of any kind are quite difficult to keep and eventually they are no longer a secret. back when I first came out, my now ex wife eventually asked me if she could tell her best friend. I was totally OK with that so she told her. Come to find out, her best friend, a female, was totally into it !!!! It's a tough decision though because asking her to keep your secret puts a burden on her.

[greeneyes]

I am going to be blunt here. Girls can't keep secrets. If you tell her she is going to tell someone. Be it her bff her mom sister cousin or everyone she knows. She isn't doing it to belittle you and maybe not even because she thinks it's weird she is going to want to talk with someone about it no matter how excepting ahe is.

Not true! I know, and I have not told anyone, and wouldn't without speaking to Joni first, and getting her permission. I think this is like sharing what you do in the bedroom, the information belongs to both of us. It should not be discussed with anyone else without permission from your SO.

Ellje, you know her better than anyone...is she someone that you can confide in? I do think you need to tell her if you are getting serious.

[sometimes_miss]

First and foremost, you should take it slow, and try to find out how she feels about guys who crossdress. Take her to crossdressing shows, occasionally slip in a dvd movie about a character who crossdresses, and see how she deals with it. If everything goes well, you can even make up a tale about knowing someone who found out her SO was a crossdresser, and how badly she responded to it. Then ask her how she would have dealt with the situation. During your times together, perhaps go to an area where some openly gay people are, and see how she reacts to them.
Remember, however, that how accepting someone is 'in theory', things can all change quickly when all of a sudden it's THEIR boyfriend/husband who is the gender bender. So tread carefully.
But I think you must at some point tell her. I had stopped crossdressing years before meeting my wife. I really thought that I had 'beaten it'; that I'd never do it again. I was with my wife for seven years before the crossdressing demon came back with a vengeance, and by that time it was too late. She was sure to find out eventually, and she did. Marital explosives soon started.
As you DO get around to talking to her about it, you can always first admit that you USED TO crossdress. That makes it seem a little more palatable; as if it's something that you did in the past, but not currently. Past sins are often forgivable. Currently ongoing behavior, usually is not. If she sees nothing wrong with it, or at least isn't too bothered by it, proceed carefully from there: She will then have learned that despite your previous feminine explorations, you certainly seem 'all man', now.
And this is the important thing; separating the behavior from who she believes you to inherently be.

Now then, as far as secrets in general. It depends upon what the secret is. Discovering that someone is a crossdresser can be very disturbing to a person; most are brought up with in a culture and with a religion that tells them horrible things about us. If they are friends or relatives, then they have to somehow deal with this, and most will want to talk it over with someone else for emotional support. Leaving them stuck with no way to resolve the conflicts they experience would be cruel indeed.
This is why we really must consider why we want to tell someone that we are crossdressers/TG/TS; is it for their best interest? Or just ours? How will it benefit the other person?
While I feel that a true friend would be willing to help me with any problem I have, sometimes giving THEM another issue in life to deal with simply isn't the right thing to do.
I went through this with one of my friends; we had been getting closer, and, he would ask my opinion on lots of things, and would ask why I behaved the way I did, on others. I really had to think before just blurting out my entire past (in the link in my sig), and leaving him all sorts of conflicts to deal with. He's very religious,and had already mentioned his difficulty accepting the gay people at work. He didn't hate them, but had trouble reconciling his religious beliefs with his observations that these gay people were not the monsters that he had been brought up to believe they were. He was also one of the many who were embarrassed by who they voted for, because he felt he had been fooled into supporting someone who had so obviously lied about so much. So he was dealing with a lot of issues. I didn't feel that I should burden him with another issue that he surely had no one else to go to, to help him figure it out. Sure, I could tell him everything I knew, but most people who aren't TG friendly need more than one source who feels it's acceptable, or he'll just feel that anyone he already knows would disapprove strongly, leaving him to wonder if he should abandon me, or abandon the other person. Of course, I also feared that I would come up with the short straw in that situation, as I have several times before. So I decided to keep my mouth shut, and just know that we all have secrets that we keep, and simply share what we enjoy together and leave it at that. Not every relationship has to include everything.
In my experience, women are no worse at keeping secrets than men are. It just seems that way, because they share intimate information freely with their friends, which men, do not. Women bond with each other by talking and sharing relationship information. Men bond with each other by sharing activities; we can enjoy an entire day of hunting, fishing, boating, etc., without saying more than a dozen words. That would drive any women nuts.
John Gray explained it best: When faced with a problem with no solution, men will say, 'well, if we can't do anything about it, why talk about it?', while women will say, 'well, if we can't do anything about it, at least we can talk about it!' And they will. Women will talk and talk and talk about problems with no solutions over and over and over. They seem to enjoy it. And THAT, would drive MEN nuts.

[audreyinalbany]

Jeez...for a bunch of crossdresser you gals don't seem to have too much respect for women. Comments like "women typically share EVERYTHING when it comes to relationships" and 'Girls can't keep secrets" sound sexist and condescending.

[Lux]

I do believe you should let her know if it's been 6 months but I don't think it's fair to drop all of this on her and expect her to deal with it by herself. It's too much.

I told my girlfriend (accepting wife now) after dating about 3 months. I could tell it was (understandably) a huge shock for her. I quickly thought about it and told her she should pick one very close person to share all of this information with and she chose a very close cousin (one ring outside her immediate family). It was risky but it turned out to be the best advice ever. She was able to talk to someone who was LBGT friendly, get anxiety off her chest and have someone to talk about it besides me. It also helped that my wife took it upon herself to buy books off Amazon that dealt with the subject (i.e. my husband Betty,etc). It really is way too much to ask someone to process all that information by themselves.

Fast forward to the present. Since we came out to her cousin and husband, the four of us go to Vegas every year where I am full femme and we go to any restaurant and any club. I honestly can't imagine living with all the fear and shame of non disclosure. That was how my first marriage ended. Looking back, I personally feel that if your spouse/s.o can't accept who you really are then you should be with someone who does. The freedom is priceless and completely indescribable. Good luck!

[Ally 2112]

This is always a tough one ! .If you know she is the one you want to be with and you can figure out if she is open minded then you have to tell her .Keeping secrets in a realationship does not work she will figure it out which will make it worse.Wish you all the best

[Vicky_Scot]

You tell someone your secret and now its not your secret, it's THEIR's. Be careful who you tell.

[Joni T]

Tell her NOW, before you get too deeply involved with her. If she can't handle it you'll be miserable until one of the two of you either dies or divorces. Up front and honesty is the ONLY way any relationship will endure.
Jon

[Connie D50]

ellje
My 2 cents is talk asap, I'm 62 I wish I had the internet back when I was 20 when I met my wife. Back then of course I though I was the only one out there dressing. You have a lot of passed post here that tells you every kinds of end to telling or not. Both with good and bad endings. If you think she is the one the sooner you find out, her take on this the better (for you and her). I would also give it time to set in if it's a positive response making sure it not the current love fasciation that give her that positive response. Sorry I'm not a doctor and I don't even play one on TV it's just my 2 cents.

[Sarah Doepner]

Secrets are slippery things that tend to wander away when people aren't paying close attention to them. There has to be a willingness to understand the consequences of allowing the information to escape. One of my friends would share knowledge of her feminine side with someone and tell them they could pick one person to share it with. They would have to tell her who they wanted to share it with so they could talk over the consequences of poor choices and loose lips. It seemed to work for her, but she is totally out now and it wouldn't matter if that old secret were now revealed.

I did the same thing and it seems that my secret has been shared beyond the parameters I initially established. My mileage wasn't as good as hers, but probably a little closer to the standard. Secrets are difficult for some people to keep, even if they care for you. So if you do share, please be confident enough in yourself that if it is shared, you will be able to handle it.

[Alice B]

I always think that telling her is the best option and saves a lot of grief down the road. Being open and honest and listing to her concerns is important.As is establishing ground rules. I seriously doubt that she would go out and tell everyone. It's yours and her secret.

[Danielle_cder]

Honesty honesty honesty!!! Want a solid relationship then communication is paramount. Honesty will set you free

[karrin]

Jennie, that is very well said and very true. be safe Karrin

[Tracii G]

Jeez...for a bunch of crossdresser you gals don't seem to have too much respect for women. Comments like "women typically share EVERYTHING when it comes to relationships" and 'Girls can't keep secrets" sound sexist and condescending.

I'm sorry you feel that way but the truth is the truth weather you want to admit it or not.
Neither of my ex wives could keep a secret.
Just because we CD does not mean anything in this case.
Its not sexist or condescending.

[Stephanie47]

When my wife and I had "the talk" one of the concerns she expressed was keeping my secret which was now our secret. She felt she had no person with whom to confide with. It did become a burden to her. Time somewhat mellowed her responses or concerns. The big issue is "what the heck?" A woman gets interested in a man or is not interested based on what's exhibited before her. If I were a woman I'd probably feel I was sold a false set of goods. What else is he hiding? Of course, after "the talk" or "the reveal" how does this new quirk factor into the relationship. You're correct in reading too many cases of initial acceptance turning into revulsion and divorce. Sometimes "love is blind" takes over for a period of time. Then a woman may be overwhelmed by her mates desires to push harder and harder for more acceptance.

Even if you reveal all to her now is no guarantee she will not change her mind. My wife and I have been married for over 45 years. It has been truly "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" for over thirty years. She makes no comments or snide remarks about cross dressing. Once past the initial shock and having a long history together she knows this is only a minute part of who I am. Marriage in itself takes a lot of work. Many men and women always want things to be easy. Many people lack the maturity to be married without throwing in some quirk society in general deems not conforming to norms and expectations.

If you and her decide to progress forward after "the talk, the reveal" I would suggest ground rules be established. Any changes, like anything in a marriage, need to be discussed. Good luck!

[NicoleScott]

This isn't about whether or not to tell, or how to tell. The issue is how to tell with the expectation that she will honor your wish to keep it confidential. How to do that? Secure her promise BEFORE telling. If she can't promise to keep secret what you have to tell her, DON'T. If she promises but you don't trust her to keep that promise, DON'T. That, however, is a problem itself.

[Pat]

I'm sorry you feel that way but the truth is the truth weather you want to admit it or not.
Neither of my ex wives could keep a secret.

(Personal opinion) It may say more about your choice of wives than reveal a universal truth about all women everywhere. People are people -- some can keep confidentiality and some can't. It's not sex-related.


This isn't about whether or not to tell, or how to tell. The issue is how to tell with the expectation that she will honor your wish to keep it confidential.

(Moderator's opinion) Nicole is correct. Please stay on topic. It's not like there's a shortage of "should I tell?" threads out there if you want to discuss that.

[Aunt Kelly]

None of the answers here are wrong, but none are really useful for anything other than perspective. Not that that's a small thing - it's good to lean on the experience of others, but you are the one who must judge the depth of your relationship and the character of the one you share it with. I will say that Jaylyn and the others who've advocated sooner rather than later are correct. If the outcome is poor, you're better off knowing now.
It's a big step, not one I would take with anyone but someone with whom I was ready to commit a long-term relationship. If that's where you are, and you've decided to go ahead, frame the talk in those terms. The fact that you value the relationship enough to share something so significant and personal should way in your favor. If it does not, you will still have learned something important.

[Rogina B]

Some time after sharing "your secret" ,there will be a question and answer session..Perhaps that will happen before your friend shares your secret and discusses you with her friends. I suggest you "get your story straight" asap,BEFORE spilling. There is no need to feel embarrassed,just be prepared to reveal the PRESENT depth of your interest in CDing. You need to be able to explain yourself...

[alwayshave]

Ellie, I told my fiancee early in our relationship before we moved in together. I knew that I would not be in what I hoped would be a long term relationship not being able tp express this side of myself. She has threatened outing me once, it was just a threat, it did hurt. But all in all, 11 years in I am glad that I told her.

[Angie G]

My wife has done really well keeping my Secret for 11 years now and that's a record for her. Who knows if anyone would be able to keep a secret.:hugs:
Angie

[Tracii G]

(Personal opinion) It may say more about your choice of wives than reveal a universal truth about all women everywhere. People are people -- some can keep confidentiality and some can't. It's not sex-related.


Pretty nasty of you to throw a personal slam in there like that Pat so thank you so much.. No offense of course as you Northeast types say.
The mother of my two fabulous Daughters is not an evil person just confused and makes bad choices,my second is a nice person just has a way of getting herself in trouble.
Both are the same in the way they tend to mess up their lives and neither can keep a secret.
I have yet met a female that could keep a secret is all I am saying.

[Pat]

Not a personal slam, Tracii. Just saying your experience may be more indicative of your choices than it is of an immutable attribute for half of humanity.


I have yet met a female that could keep a secret is all I am saying.

Let me introduce you to my therapist. There wouldn't BE female therapists if they couldn't keep a secret. Ditto female lawyers, accountants, cops, MDs, ministers, SEALS and all the other professions where confidentiality is a core part of the job.

[NicoleScott]

Maybe you shouldn't be revealing secrets if you have no expectation that your secrets will be kept. I do have that expectation because I can rely on a person's word and their history of keeping promises.
On Big Bang Theory Sheldon was distraught when Penny asked him to keep a secret, something she had already revealed to him. He said she should have told him that beforehand, in which case he would have declined to hear the secret. While Sheldon is no expert on human interaction, I agree in this case. Secure a commitment to keep a secret before revealing it. Then you have a greater expectation.

[Jenny22]

It would be interesting to hear from our GGs on the 'keeping it a secret question', if they were told before marriage and asked that it be kept a secret just between them. Did they find it to be burdensome because they couldn't then discuss it with someone? How did they personally handle the secret reveal?

[ellje]

THANK YOU to everyone who took the time to share your opinions and experiences! I really appreciate it! I've been a little busy and so couldn't reply sooner.

I'm going to attempt to categorize the replies, because it helps me process things.

(a) Regarding WHETHER to tell her: There seems to be a pretty solid consensus on this. In short, if I'm serious, I will have to tell her at some point.

(b) Regarding HOW to tell her: Helpful points were raised including "testing the waters" first, securing a promise of confidentiality, and being ready to answer her questions.

(c) Regarding the RISKS of telling her (or not): Basically, we can speculate, but it's impossible to know. It's quite interesting how much of the discussion was framed as a cost-benefit analysis. I'm prone to thinking this way as well. I see how that in trying to assess the harm of her having to keep a secret it might appear that I'm trying to minimize it (a seemingly altruistic motive), but on further reflection, I suspect I might have been subconsciously trying to rationalize my hesitance to go ahead with what is a risky, scary, but ultimately necessary course of action. It's strange, because I feel like I WANT to tell her, not that I HAVE to (in order to avoid disaster later on, etc.). I want to be comfortable sharing everything with her, and have her be comfortable sharing everything with me!

(d) Regarding the REWARDS of telling her: I found it heartening to read some of the positive and even liberating outcomes some of you shared! It is helpful to see a relationship as a process rather than a the result of a coin toss, and to remind myself that it's a lot of continuous work above and beyond the issue of crossdressing.

(e) Regarding whether its even POSSIBLE to keep secrets: This is an interesting question in itself. Sometimes secrets may be revealed by accident, with no malice intended. Regardless of the circumstances, the possibility is of the beans being spilled will always be there, and so I should be prepared for it.

(e) Regarding whether a secret is BURDENSOME: It seems that the answer to this is generally YES, especially for something as potentially confusing as crossdressing. She might need to talk to someone to work through her thoughts and emotions. That's fair; I expected as much. The best I can do is to be as open and responsive to her concerns as possible, I guess. The point made that it becomes HER secret kinda blew my mind, lol. I didn't think of that. I thought it was interesting that this could be OUR secret, just like any other piece of information that couples don't typically disclose freely. I suppose this really comes down to how she takes it, and whether she needs social support that I can't alone provide. Come to think of it, I would not want to put my need for confidentiality above her emotional well-being. Perhaps I'm not thinking about this in an entirely balanced manner, especially with regard to personal consequences... but doesn't being in love compel you to take risks you otherwise wouldn't?

Anyway, that's all I have for now. Thanks again to everyone for replying! I'll check back in if I think of something. Oh, and it would be interesting to hear the perspectives of GGs!

[Paige Dehart]

[QUOTE=wbdavid;4157544]I am going to be blunt here. Girls can't keep secrets. If you tell her she is going to tell someone. You may want to rethink your reply I have kept the secret for almost 20 years now. I am nothing special just a person who believes that what is told in confidence stays that way.

[CONSUELO]

Elije,

first welcome to this site. The question you ask has been discussed several times before so you may want to go back and search old posts for a wider discussion of this issue.

If you are going to be entering a serious relationship with this person you need to tell her. Before doing so you should try hard to gauge her reaction. Only you know her well enough to do this. Indeed she may decide to tell someone else but the key question is will she do so while being careful to protect you and not betray you by being nasty and vindictive. Talking to someone else to help her understand is acceptable. Telling someone else to put you in a bad light or "expose" you in some way would be an awful outcome. Hopefully you know her all enough to decide which path she may take.

Something to think about would be to offer that once you have explained your cross dressing, that you both see a therapist so that she can have all her questions asked. Make sure you find a therapist who has proper expertise in this area. Some do not know enough to be helpful.

[SaraLin]

Just my two cents' worth.

My SO is more worried than keeping my 'secret' than I am. I think she doesn't want people wondering what's wrong with her for staying with "one of those" than out of fear for me. Sounds kinda selfish worded that way, but not really. She hasn't had to (and doesn't want to) face the rejection, anger, fear, and confusion from others that's associated with all this, and I agree that there's no need to expose her to that mess.

As for me, I figure it's just nobody's business, so I don't bother telling them. If they find out somehow, oh well...

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Ellje:hugs:, The only true secret is the one that you don't share with anyone.>Orchid...:daydreaming:...

[Ressie]

I am going to be blunt here. Girls can't keep secrets.

This is a fact. Women need to share things with their best friends or another close female. "my boyfriend crossdresses" is too much to keep to her self. So you have to accept that there will a couple of rumors floating around at the hair salon. But you still won't be out to everyone, just a few.

[Tracii G]

I have to ask with you being 30 have you ever been in a long term relationship with a woman?
Have you ever dated a woman even on a short time frame?
I ask because the way you phrase things its sounds like you have no experience with women.
Its OK if you haven't and we have all been in that place and learned on our own how to deal with them so I am not trying to belittle you in any way if you have not.
I only ask because of the way you phrase things.