Tips to accepting yourself?

[AlexisRaeMoon]

I'm not sure if that title does to justice to what I'm about to write, but here goes: I've been a member of this site for like 6 years now, and one of the reasons I keep coming back is because all the great stories shared by others in regards to coming out with to their SOs (hang tight, there's a reason I'm not posting this into the Tips to an SOs Acceptance thread...). Obviously, I'm still "in the closet," and even though I've been in therapy for about a year (for several reasons), and we've focused a lot on why I've had so much trouble talking to my wife about crossdressing, it still hasn't happened yet.

And over the years, I've attributed the fact that I haven't worked up the nerve yet to the fact that I'm worried about her "acceptance," what hit me like a bolt of lightning today was that what it really comes down to is I haven't accepted myself fully as a crossdresser yet. I'm certainly way further along the path than I was a few years ago, but I realized that all the reasons for why I avoid telling her are really just an inner dialog that I'm having with myself. With my therapist, we've talked through and basically debunked all the excuses I give for why I assume her reaction to my crossdressing would be negative. The one big one I keep getting hung up on is that she'll just be really mad that I never told her earlier, and the last thing he said at the end of my last session was basically, "You're making too big of a deal out of this. I think she'll understand how hard this is for you."

Again, all the dialog is in my head, and it's always negative because I still, when it comes down it, feel weird about it myself. So, I guess my question is this: what advice do you have for accepting yourself? I repeat all the mantras, and try to tell myself that this is totally fine, but there's still that "big brother" voice of society somewhere in there still making me feel like it's not "ok" to be a man who likes to wear women's clothes. Therapy has definitely helped me come along way, but I feel like the main thing holding me back from being totally open with my wife is that fact that, on some level, I'm still not comfortable with it myself.

All suggestions are appreciated. Thanks in advance!

[Dana44]

I agree with your assessment. If you love yourself as a crossdresser it is easier to communicate. .Yet still try talking to her. one never knows the acceptance. Yet it is worth a try.

[Tracii G]

The only tip I can give to accepting yourself is because you have no choice.
If you don't make a commitment to yourself and waffle back and forth you might as well give up dressing much less discussing it with your wife.
If you are genuinely TG there is no alternative is there?
If you are a closet hobby CDer and you can't get a grip and accept yourself why bother?
Whats the use in dressing feeling like crap for lying to your wife and family then what does that say about you?
Constantly going back and forth trying to figure out the reasons why,beating yourself up over it and being in a state of turmoil what good is that just stop dressing and stop prolonging the agony.
I sat myself down , had a long talk with myself and came to the conclusion I was female in heart and mind and went with it because it felt right.
I feel sorry for the ones that fight with all this on a daily basis and just can't let go.

[nikkim83]

Listen to Tracy she goes straight to the point. Be true to yourself first.

[bridget thronton]

For me sharing with my spouse was part of accepting myself. Not sure one came before the other. But I knew I could not continue hiding things from the woman I loved. It was hard but I told her. She of course pointed out that I needed to be the one who told our kids (not some random person who saw me out and about). Was quite scary - but they were both both OK with it and my life is much less stressful.

[Teresa]

Arianna,
One thing my counsellor tried to cure me of was living with assumptions, our mind goes round in circles often destructively so, we have to break the cycle, that is when I came out to me son, the fears were in my head rather than reality . As it turns out he's OK about it whuch was a huge burden off my wife's shoulders .

Accepting yourself is the biggest hurdle , you can't move on until you do .

[AllieSF]

There are a lot of perspectives to looking at this. I tend to be mostly a very pragmatic person. I look at something, some type of situation, identify the alternatives and pick one or more to try. When I started dressing in 2006 from a total zero interest before, I just accepted it for what it was to me at that time, something that a great big smile to my face and lot of enjoyment. It was totally non-sexual. One of the ways I looked at it, in my specific circumstances (single, living alone in my own house, retired, beat a bout with cancer) was if it didn't hurt anyone, including me, I would do it when I could. What I learned more about this blessing to me, and a curse for some others, was that I could not really do anything about it, so why not enjoy it and deal with the keeping it my secret as best that I could.

I totally agree with your therapist that you should just accept that you are infected or gifted something special, something that you can not really get rid of, based on all the stories that I have read here. That is how I dealt with my cancer. I had it and I needed to and wanted to treat it, so I did. I hate public speaking about a fixed topic, even though I can talk to anyone when I want and can take over a meeting to get my point across. So, when I was required to speak to a big crowd, I realized that the actual time speaking would be limited. So, I started building courage for those minutes that I would be speaking and kept thinking about when it would be completed, doing a good job or a bad one, but I always focused on that light at the end of the tunnel when I would be done.

So, after all your therapy, why not try to accept that you are who you are, whether you like that or not and start focusing how to fit it more or less comfortably into your life as a person and as a married person with relationship responsibilities. Once you learn that what you do, contrary to popular opinion, is not bad and does not hurt anyone, and will not go away you may be able to find your path to accepting yourself and to communicating better with your spouse.

Shorter version: Llike cancer or something else that is serious, if you can't change or eliminate it, learn how to accept it as a permanent part of your life and then share that with those that need to know. It will be a very liberating moment when you get there. Good luck.

[LaurenS]

Great points, especially Tracii and Allie.

For me, it was experiencing multiple tragedies in a very short period of time.

Life is too short.

Until I saw death up close and personal, that phrase was a cliche to me.

spent decades with guilt. I’m not out, but at least I don’t beat myself up about it anymore.

since realizing the phrase is so meaningful, I’ve learned how beneficial pragmatism and stoicism can be, and now actively work on improving my life and those around me so we hopefully all reach a higher plane of happiness.

Rising smiles lift all ships.

[deebra]

My answer is you and I are biologically males but we were born with a portion of our brain being female therefore we like/desire a lot of the same things that women do. Males don't think like this because their brain is all male. So you like a lot of the same things (dressing female, the female look/presentation, emotional state) your wife and other females do. You were born with this brain and you can't change it. If you and your wife can understand this and she can accept this and your wife can use this to your sharing more than the average couple and bring you closer. You would be sharing more things including feminine things like close girlfriends do with a bonus of her having a husband too. Hope she can understand and accept this.

[GretchenJ]

Tracii's post ring true with me on so many levels it's scary.

As someone who has recently come out to my SO, and not by my own choice, after 40 plus years of hiding, after the yelling , the crying, the confusion and the multiple long nights of just talking through it, we are now stronger and closer than ever before. That daily conflict that Tracii talks about is so real and at times crippling. Having that removed was one of the best moments in my life, and now my wife wants to share this part of my life with me and is constantly looking for available time for us to be together, as actually said she was sorry that I hadn't told her years ago.

with this said, there is no guarantee what your SO final reaction will be, so I am not going to be one to tell you that disclosure will automatically result in acceptance. All I can offer you is that if you decide to disclose is that you keep the communication lines open, that silence from your SO may not necessarily be a good thing, as she may be running down what-if scenarios in her head that may be way off from what you are hoping from her.

Good luck to you and PM if you need someone to talk to.

[Jaylyn]

Arianna those who have posted have some good things that should be considered by you. I've enjoyed the CD I guess all my life. I was married almost 40 years before I had the discussion with my wife. I felt very relieved and she felt like she could see into me deeper than ever before. Mine I found out said she already suspected that I liked feminine soft things, and she said she knew I liked makeup because she noticed I always watched her put her makeup on. It brought my wife and I closer together for the last six years, but she has recently kind of turned off but knows deep down I probably still do it. You also need to ask your wife's input on it if she accepts what you tell her. One of my wife's was she didn't want the kids to ever know and for me not to ever let anyone else find out by going out in public. Thus I'm still kind of like in a DADT type situation, which I can handle ok.
Just getting it off my chest and her knowing was a big weight lifted. I almost feel normal now.
I hope it all works out for you for the best. Only you will know when the time is right but you should let your mate know how you feel. When that weight is lifted you kinda know you've accepted yourself to some degree.

[Jean 103]

It's two different things. You and her. You being at ease may help you to talk about it, there is no guarantee to how she will react. You lied to her and are continuing to do so. If you read all the threads, you know that this is a main topic on site. That and it doesnt always work out. Good luck

[halljennifer]

Arianna,

I came out to my wife back in June, just days before my 30th birthday. The decision to do so was mine, it was not forced, due to C finding out about Jennifer. At this point we have been married for 4 years, and have a beautiful 2 year old girl E. My guilt for hiding this from C for the last 7 years of our lives, and hiding it from the world for the last 30, got to be too much for me to handle.

So I had two options, both of which would have consequences in one way or another. Tell my wife about Jennifer, or live in the shadows, with a potential for C to find out on her own. So I chose to tell her about it. I did so out of love and respect, and I ensured to reinforce that throughout the many nights of long conversations, and tears. The host of emotions from C were wildly varied, one day supportive and loving, then the next dismissive and cold. I was prepared for that, but it still hurt me nonetheless. I wanted to be able to comfort her, but was sometimes unable to open the floodgates. Sometimes I could.
I am sure a lot of the emotions we were feeling were due to external factors as well. We have a rather solid relationship, and I am sure this is just a test along the way.

As of today, she has accepted me, in a certain capacity. As to what it is we are still defining boundaries. However we went out shopping this weekend, and purchased some clothes for Jennifer. It was fantastic, we both had a great time, stopped for sushi and sake, and shopped till we dropped.

It would be safe to assume you know roughly were you are and want to be in life. Or at least have some direction. All you need is a direction, and either your spouse will follow willing or not. You have to be ready for either outcome, and accept that fact. I kept it honest with C, and I think that was a saving grace to our relationship and marriage. I will always answer her questions truthfully, even if it may be unsavoury for her. But it will be truthful!

By no means am I a psychologist. I am just a confused guy who wants to be a girl. Which in itself is where our spouses will more than likely get hung up. But I would say my experience has been positive in this regard, but be ready for a roller coaster. There was a lot of work that went into our relationship to make this work. Your SO's acceptance will not be Fed-ex'd over night on a red eye flight. Life will not continue on as normal, it will change, due to you introducing a very large change into the dynamic of your relationship. It is up to you and your SO as to if it will be a positive one.

Best of luck Arianna,

If you would like to talk, please feel free to pm me.

😘 Jennifer

[Pat]

And over the years, I've attributed the fact that I haven't worked up the nerve yet to the fact that I'm worried about her "acceptance," what hit me like a bolt of lightning today was that what it really comes down to is I haven't accepted myself fully as a crossdresser yet.

When you have that insight, you're very close to breaking out. The awareness of it will drive you. Self-acceptance (or lack of) is the thing lurking behind most of the threads where people are talking about their problems. And Tracii pretty much nails it - you have to accept yourself because it's who you are -- you have nothing else.

How do you do that? All I can tell you is how *I* did that and it might resonate with you or it might not. I don't think there's just one way.

For me, I sussed out that there were certain behaviors of mine that were driven by a model of "manhood" that I was trying to project to the outside world. These days I'd say it was a protection mechanism because early in my childhood I learned that the behaviors that were natural to me would not be tolerated. I didn't eliminate those natural behaviors, but I suppressed them and instead projected what my family, my friends, my faith and society wanted to see in a male child. (There's no shortage of role models for being an ideal man.) Basically I was lying to everyone every day. When I crossdressed in secret, or daydreampt I was able to allow some of those suppressed behaviors out and it was very restorative for me. I could drop the pretense and for a couple of hours let the real me out. Then I'd take what comfort I could, slam the door shut on those feelings and loath myself for having been so weak.

So how'd I get to acceptance? First I had to find out I wasn't the only one like me. I was born in the 1950's so that information was pretty deeply hidden most of my life. Then I had to find role models -- people who were like me who were able to live as I wanted to live. I found them on this site, I found them by reading TG literature, I searched for them in my social circle. And the first acceptance I had to do was to accept that those people were OK. And if they were OK, I could be OK too. Then I had to set about the work of unwinding the false persona I had built up over the years. I had to examine what behaviors were false, I had to determine what was the "true" behavior for me and I had to figure out why I wasn't giving myself permission to express the true behavior. And that's where acceptance came in - I had to accept that it was OK for me to express true behaviors. This requires a lot of self-forgiveness: I grew up with a Rudyard Kipling sense of what a man is. I had to forgive myself that I wasn't that kind of man. And then I had to give permission to myself to be the kind of man I really was -- it didn't happen instantly. I tracked down and changed one behavior at a time. It took years. I had lots of illusions about what I might be: a fetish dresser, "just" a crossdresser, two personalities in one body, etc. And as I became more and more myself, my model of who I was changed. I felt better and better about myself and the world around me benefited because honestly they needed me not another hollow man acting a role. In the end my family and friends saw me smiling more, they saw me happier, and I like to think they could sense that I was now telling the truth in my actions. So their acceptance? Pretty much guaranteed. Not saying I haven't lost a few friends along the way -- they wanted me to be the fake character I was projecting. (Kind of like how some people would never let Leonard Nimoy - the human - be anyone but the Spock character he played.) Perhaps they were projecting their own false characters (doesn't have to be about gender - there are lots of opportunities to be false) and they were discomforted. Dunno.

I will say that as you make your journey, watch out for traps. Watch out for behaviors that you adopt because you think you "ought" to. It's easy to go from wearing a male disguise to wearing a female disguise and never be yourself. That's not self-acceptance and you'll just end up in a wrong place being mystified that life didn't get any better. For me, the answer was follow my happiness and accept that what I found was what I was supposed to be all along.

[Allisa]

Sorry but I can't advise on your wife's acceptance or not since I've never been married but I can hopefully help you accept yourself. I struggled for ages with my own acceptance than one day, and I don't know why, I just looked over my life and when I realized I was living to please everyone else, their ideals, their aspirations of me and basically their idea of what a man is. I am a hard worker, honest, responsible person so I said "why am I not living how I want to?" I was not really happy, sort of a cold fish, than I said that's it I'm going to live "my" life, the clothing made me happy and feel good so as I progressed I found out more about myself than I ever thought was possible. Bottom line I guess is now I'm so much more a better person and if it was my CDing that opened my eyes to this self acceptance than I feel so grateful and lucky every time I step through my front door dressed as I feel because I am a productive part of society even if that society looks down on me. I hope my story helps you or at least gives you something to think about.

[Nikki.]

Pat....that was an amazing post. You've summarized much of my experiences and feelings so well, and my current thinking regarding exploration :hugs:

[Bailee]

A really interesting topic. I think for many of us self acceptance can be a long road, especially having grown up in the dark ages that many of us did, when men were men and that's all there was to it. For the longest time I saw it as something I did, not someone I was. This web site and being able to share in the stories of others with similar experiences has helped a lot with my perspective. I came out to my SO about a year ago not knowing what the outcome would be, and her acceptance and support did amazing things for my own self-acceptance.

Not sure that helps, but I would suggest that although her keeping the secret is a risk (although I'd argue not nearly as big a deal as you probably think it is), the possible benefits to you far outweigh the risks.

As Popeye so often said "I yam what I yam"

[Zoeytgtx]

My need to dress was causing more and more stress in my life because it was causing me to lie to my wife. I cannot do that very easily.Finally nearing the breaking point, she finally got me to tell her what the problem was. I finally admitted to her one long and teary night that I desperately needed to crossdress after fighting and repressing it since my late teens. Just admitting it to her took a huge weight off if me. I was cleansed! By verbalizing it, physically saying it, I came to better accept to myself that I needed to crossdress. After that, it has taken months to accept, but I'm fine with it now. I can talk about it openly because I accept who I am.

[Sarah Doepner]

Tips for self-acceptance? I hate to quote RuPaul, but "How are you going to love anyone else, if you don't love yourself first?"

The questions I kept asking myself and the secret I am protecting make me defensive. I don't fully open up because I fear letting anyone else see the authentic fullness of my personality. So what does that get for me? Time that I can't share with those I care about. Since I'm in a CD support group I have to find a way to balance that part of my life with the rest of my life and it complicates things, possibly more than it helps on either side. There is no way around or over this wall I've constructed. I just need to build a door through it.

The next question becomes, When I open up will I change from who I've always been? I have fear that once I've revealed myself to others I become vulnerable. I might become more feminized. I might lose someone I care about. I might build stronger relationships because of the trust I've shown. I might be stronger because I can deal with my vulnerability honestly. I might be more comfortable and authentic if I display a little more of my femininity.

How much of that is out of my control? How much of it is within my control? My attitude is key to the process and it seems that most of it will be within my control. But we often set the bar much too high when it comes to believing we have control over our world. Step back and look at life a little and see how much you actually have direct and permanent control over. Pretty much the only thing I have control over is my ability to respond to the world. I can do it in a positive and loving way, offering trust and hoping for the same in return. Or I can continue to doubt myself and continue to give everyone else the permission to doubt me as well.

I'm still working on coming out to others, but some know and it's been a great relief to be on the positive end of support and love. Basically the same things I've been adding to my relationships my whole life seem to be coming back to me.

So I guess my tip is see how you've been treating others and if you've been good to them, it's possible they will be good to you. If not, you have control over how you respond.

[Alice B]

Hard to answer. I think I accepted the fact before I really started. It was something I just wanted to do, with no previous hints. I told my wife about wanting to dress right away and after agreeing on rules started to dress.

[Micki_Finn]

This may sound backwards and not very helpful, but honestly the biggest step towards self acceptance for me was being accepted by another person (in my case my wife). Just having her see me dressed for the first time and NOT hearing “Oh my god you’re an ugly weirdo freak!” Went a long way.

[GracieRose]

This is a great thread.
Pat, your third paragraph hits so close to home that it is scary. I'm not as far along the acceptance path as you are. However, the dialogues that you girls have posted here since I joined, and over the 2 years that I lurked before joining, have been powerful support for me on that journey to understand and accept myself.
Thank you all.

[Lana Mae]

I learned most of what I know about this in the last two years! I was just curious about the female part of me! I was convinced that there is two parts to all of us! Just some are more one or the other and some just don't care about the other! I was learning about me and saw no shame or guilt in that! I am me, both halves! Why should i be ashamed of that? This is honest as it gets and I accept that as a truth! This is a journey, down the river of life and where it is going I do not know but i am enjoying the ride! Hugs Lana Mae

[aprilgirl]

This may sound backwards and not very helpful, but honestly the biggest step towards self acceptance for me was being accepted by another person (in my case my wife). Just having her see me dressed for the first time and NOT hearing “Oh my god you’re an ugly weirdo freak!” Went a long way.

That was certainly the case for me. My situation was a little different, as I first told a girl I was dating in my late 20's. We started a long distance relationship, after having met while on an out of state sales call. As things progressed, we started discussing living in together, and before making the decision to move away, I felt it best she knew. Funny side note, during one "state of the relationship" discussion, she asked if I had any secrets, and the only one she threw out there was "Do you like to wear women's clothing"? I wasn't prepared to come out at that moment, in spite of the opened door, and asked if that would be an issue. She said it would be something she'd have to think about. I knew her, and us as a couple, well enough to trust that ultimately everything would be alright.

I ended up writing out about a ten page letter, which I never planned to mail, but believe it did help get my thoughts in order. On my next visit, I told her I had something very important to share, which took longer than I anticipated, as it truly was difficult for me to admit. Once said aloud, a tremendous weight had been removed, and the words just flowed. I was surprised by the lack of questions at the time, but the reality was this was so far off her radar, it was really to be expected. I ended up giving her the letter to read, which opened up more discussions, but only when she wanted to bring the subject up.

Just as in Micki's case, I definitely believe the support received from my first serious girlfriend, went a long way towards me accepting myself as a crossdresser. Kim

[Stephanie47]

I'm an "old fart" who is a child of the 1950's and 1960's. The biggest hurdle to overcome was self loathing and self hatred. Back then a man who wore women's clothing was deemed to be a homosexual. The names were vulgar. It generated a lot of confusion. How can I be gay and lust after young women and movie starlets? There was nobody to talk to. There was no resource materials. I was definitely a defective male. My church was not sympathetic to anyone not like those in the congregation, let alone accpeting of gays, lesbians and men who wore women's clothing.

As a boy I was all rough and tumble. There was no an inkling of future behavior. Nobody punished me by forcing me to wear women's clothing; not a mother, aunt or cousin. There were few girls in my neighborhood to play with. I had crushes on girls in junior high. This desire to wear women's clothing has no roots.

I tried banging all this out before, but, I got sidetracked with a meeting to go to. I had to have a heart to heart with myself. I looked at who I was. I looked at what I have done and accomplished in life. I am satisfied with myself. I also looked at those societal norms and expectations. I fulfilled my required male responsibilities. I do have some issues with a part of my life. I thought to myself "Wait!" I have looked around my neighborhood, among my friends, my coworkers. What have I done at the behest of societal norms and expectations?

Well, I have been able to self rationalize my desires to wear women's clothing. What right does society have to say I cannot wear women's clothing when I have done other things which most have not done and would run away from. I don't know if a moderator will strike my words. If society sent my off to war to kill people and have done so, what right do you have to tell me I cannot express myself in any way I want, if it is not injurious to others? Amen!

[suzanne]

How to accept yourself? I was going to tell you to see a therapist, but you covered that. You are battling an entire lifetime of toxic masculinity conditioning and don't feel safe letting it go.

First, looking at your avatar (that IS you, right?) You are much younger and better looking than I am. If I looked that good, I would ditch my male clothes forever.

Second, you are who you are. Your femme side has just as much right to exist as your male side. And it was gifted to you for a reason. I don't know what that reason is, for you or me, but God does not make mistakes.

Third, you were put on this earth to learn something AND to teach something. Again, I don't know what those things are; everyone situation is different. You need to open your eyes and look around.

For additional therapy, I suggest you go clothes shopping. They don't call it retail therapy for nothing! I have gotten an absolute ton of affirmation from the sales ladies who taught me how to pick me out the right clothes for me. And the better you are at putting an outfit together, the more confidence it gives you. You can go either dressed or drab, but I recommend dressed.

[Tracii G]

Not sure if I would use the current buzz word toxic masculinity.

[Deborah2B]

I know that I like dressing up as a woman. I have been doing it most of my life. My wife does not like me crossdressing and is very much against it. She has caught me dressed up or found my hidden clothes several times throughout our marriage. I have purged each time that happened. Her position is that she married a man not a woman. She fears I want to become a woman permanently and have sex with men. I am straight and have no desire to transition. I will say that some women want nothing to do with their guy wanting to wear their kind of clothes. Arianna Renee I will tell you that I have chosen to not dress in order to keep my wife since I love her dearly. I wish you the best in your decision.

[BiancaEstrella]

One thing I don't want to do is disappoint myself. Everyone else -- or some subset thereto -- can feel whatever it is they feel about me, then not have to worry about me.

I have to face me every day of my life, and I want to be proud of the person I'm facing. I do that best by answering my self.

[Becky Blue]

What a great OP and thread so many thoughtful and deep answers. i have always considered that I have totally accepted who i am and embraced my 'inner girl' but I have decided not to tell my wife much as I know its not something that she will accept at this stage. I do not believe that in my case the two are linked but one can never be sure of course.

I can't offer any tips for self acceptance, but one interesting point is you call yourself a crossdresser, but it sounds like you may be a bit further along the gender continuim?

[patti1569]

Like some others have already posted, I started feeling much better about myself when I started coming out to friends and family. There is something very freeing in know that I'm not hiding anymore. I'm still not totally out, but the more people I share with, the less I have negative feelings about myself!

[AlexisRaeMoon]

Wow! So many amazing responses to this thread. I don't have time to comment on them, but thank you all for sharing, and let's keep the discussion going!

I do feel like maybe I'm grasping at straws with this. It could be I'm just a big chicken, and looking for an excuse. There was a time when the guilt was so overwhelming, and every time I dressed I swore it would be the last. So, maybe I'm more accepting of myself now than I realize. I dress up now pretty much whenever I have the chance, rather than agonizing about it. The guilt I feel is really more about the fact that I've kept it from my wife. Therefore, the only way out of this is to have the "talk." I just wish I wouldn't chicken out every time!

To the question about if I'm more than just a crossdresser, I don't know. All I know is wearing women's clothes makes me really happy, and the closer I look to a real woman, the better it makes me feel. But I also know that I have no desire for any kind of transition. I don't hate being male, I just prefer appearing female. Not sure what you call that!

Cheers, girls!

[Pat]

The guilt I feel is really more about the fact that I've kept it from my wife. Therefore, the only way out of this is to have the "talk." I just wish I wouldn't chicken out every time!

The disclosure vs discovery conundrum. My sense from everything I've read on this site and elsewhere is that discovery by an unsuspecting spouse is always worse than disclosure. If nothing else, when you choose to disclose, you know it's about to happen. There are some stories of disclosure causing the end of a relationship and some stories where the relationship survives, but there are very few stories of discovery that have a happy ending. Good luck.

[Tina_gm]

Hi. I'm among those like yourself who has and occasionally still agonize over it all. I waged a battle within myself from my teenage years through till the age of 48. I gave up, thinking I had finally accepted myself. Well, I sorta did. What I really had done was acknowledged myself, and gave up trying to change myself.

Over the last 4 years I have been, and still am in the process of acceptance. More than likely I will to some degree always be in the process.

I have come a long way. My biggest accomplishment is no longer having self hatred. I still agonize occasionally, but not with hatred. Guilt that I had kept it a secret from my wife. She knows now but struggles with it.

I think for many of us, we are striving for the balance of what we are, or who we are. Likely many of us feel more torn than need be as to how feminine we are and all. One of the reasons I feel so many of us enjoy it the way we do is that many of us don't actually dress anywhere near what our balance is. Let's say it's an exact 50-50 split. Do we spend half our entire existence dressed? Some do, but many of us don't. 8, 10, 12 hrs of work a day, then come home to our wives, kids, spend time with friends and family.

Even if our wives know, and have a general acceptance of it, we really aren't likely coming close to our actual balance. And I believe for many of us it is at least half, if not even more. As that amount is probably the biggest factor to allowing ourselves to dress or share with anyone about our gender issues. It takes a lot for most of us to go against society and deal with the rejection of society.

Basic tips.... go easy on yourself. It's ok to have bad days with all this. It's ok to not be sure who you are with it all. It's ok to wish you were more normal. Go easy on yourself with your expectations of how much you accept yourself. It's not a race. Moving fwd is simply that. Your individual circumstance makes whatever your actions are, right for you. Including not telling others, including your wife. I'm not encouraging you to lie and keep secrets, but if you are not ready to handle it, it will blow up in you. Your wife may not ever be able to handle it. Some on here know this about their wives, and they accept that too. It's not easy having gender variance, but it doesn't make us any less of a good person.

[Kandi Robbins]

I spent almost 50 years in denial, fighting the urge, always swearing "this is the last time" or "I just need to get this out of my system". I hated the compulsion and never, ever, referred to myself as a crossdresser. Then almost four years ago I had an epiphany. I admitted to myself that indeed I am a crossdresser and I set about trying to enjoy it (never did so before). Lo and behold, I did. Now I had to tell my wife and in what is the single greatest moment of my life outside of the obvious ones (wedding, birth of children), she was fine with it, only wishing for my happiness. But the key was self-acceptance. Unfortunately, that is a very personal thing, what makes one accept themselves. Understand one thing, you are not the only one out there with these feelings and the truth of the matter is that they are a gift. Society may not, as a whole, agree, but they truly are. My life view, my ability to love, my ability to interact differently with others, my willingness to give of myself in ways I never previously contemplated, all stem from the woman swimming around inside of me. Now I am solidly a CD, as I am lucky enough to be equally comfortable in either male or female modes, but I am proud of myself in ways I never dreamed of. You will reach the point where you stop fighting and the sooner you get there, the richer your life will be. God speed!!

[Cherylgyno]

Arianna. My wife caught me red dressed (literally) admiring myself in a full length mirror 1 month after we wed maaaaaaany years ago. I was the one with a problem about being a cross dresser. I wasn't able to get out 1 word. I knew in my own mind that I am a cross dresser and I'm okay. I was so afraid that I had lost her. My wife gave me a good talking to about the fact that I am a cross dresser and that it is cool with her.
After doing something magical for both of us to relax my wife went to make dinner. I started to get undressed and my wife came back and asked me what I thought I was doing. I told her that I was going to put male clothes on. She asked where I was going. I said nowhere. She asked why I didn't stay dressed as me. Having no argument what so ever I put my dress back on and went to dinner.
We spent the evening together arm in arm after dinner until bed time neared. My wife said that she would walk our dog. I told her that I could do it. I threw on a t-shirt and jeans, changed my heels for sneakers, my birdseed boobs still where they belonged in my bra. Put our dog on the leash and out we went. As we walked she asked me why I removed my heels but left my boobs in. I told her that I didn't walk on my boobs.
Like my wife did, I believe your wife will accept you being you.

[AlexisRaeMoon]

I gave up, thinking I had finally accepted myself. Well, I sorta did. What I really had done was acknowledged myself, and gave up trying to change myself.

This. Out of everything I've read so far, this statement best sums up where I'm at with all this. I still remember the night when I had that realization - that this part of me was never going to ever go away, no matter what I do. Up until that point, despite all evidence to the contrary, I still believe I could stop crossdressing. A band I was in that had started with such promise recently crashed and burned pretty spectacularly, and I retreated back into the "online" world of reading about crossdressing and looking at pictures of others that I admired, and it struck me: this is me. It's not going to change, so I might as well try to live with it. And that's what started me on this journey. Before that, telling my wife about crossdressing was not even a consideration. I was completely convinced that she would take the kids and leave me. Not that there was any evidence of this, but purely my own paranoia that there was no way any woman would accept a man that like to wear women's clothes. This site has been a huge help in changing my own perceptions of what it means to be a crossdresser. There's a lot of screwed up things in my head, and I'm slowly but surely unraveling them. I just get really impatient sometimes.

You all are beautiful. Thanks again.

[Teri Ray]

I agree with many of the opinions made in this thread. Like many others I struggled to understand what these feelings and urges to dress enfemme were all about. Year after year these feelings ebbed and flowed through my mind. Slowly but surely after learning through sites like this one I came to accept that I would never gain the insight and answer to the "why do I desire this?". So my first break through was accepting that I have this desire and it was not going away. I, like others went through many phases of denial and pushing these thoughts away only for them to come flooding back. After I accepted my situation the next break through was the "big talk" with my wife. I wish I could say I had the courage to start this conversation but I did not. Many years of DADT until my wife confronted me once and for all. (I like others believed DADT was some form of acceptance) The big talk with my wife was not easy and was extremely awkward but after tears and talk I came to understand that for my wife my secret and having only her assumptions as to what this dressing secret was to me and how I engaged in it was worse than not knowing for her. I know that every family has their own dynamic and one answer does not fit all. For me self acceptance and being open and honest with my wife was a huge improvement. Since the "Big Talk" my wife and I are much closer and loving. We have boundaries and limits but they seem fair to me and I believe we have reached a fair compromise.

As crossdressers we engage in some measure of risk of being caught each time we wear female attire. Taking a similar risk to share ourselves with our loved ones is just another risk crossdressers need to consider. Taking this risk is likely not a decision that will be right for all of us, however it is a risk decision that, like it or not, we are all likely to face eventually.

Best wishes to you as you go on.

[Sarah Doepner]

. . . .To the question about if I'm more than just a crossdresser, I don't know. All I know is wearing women's clothes makes me really happy, and the closer I look to a real woman, the better it makes me feel. But I also know that I have no desire for any kind of transition. I don't hate being male, I just prefer appearing female. Not sure what you call that!

Cheers, girls!

Arianna,

It seems humans love to wonder "what it?". We can't see the future and have no ability to change the past. You are what you are right now and that may or may not change.

As I said earlier, the only real control you have is limited to the decisions you make and how you deal with the consequences, good, bad or indifferent. Right now appearing female is something that makes you feel better. It sounds like you are interested in having a few more opportunities to do that, but that will require sharing this information with your wife. You are not broken, just different than she understands you from the past. But in revealing yourself to her, confident and trusting and loving her you will be attempting to let her know you better than ever before. I would hope she is not just supportive of diversity but an advocate for it. I hope she loves you and understands part of the reason you held back is out of fear you would lose her love and support.

It may not dawn on her immediately that this is an improvement, but that can happen as well.

[TheHiddenMe]

I'm not sure I can give you any tips.

I realized very young I had a fascination with wearing dresses. A few years later I wanted to try on pantyhose and I was surprised when I had a strong male reaction (read between the lines).

During my high school debate days, while researching the real topics at the library, I would often detour into reading about transvestism. As I read, I realized I wasn't the only one, and there wasn't a real why, so I just tended to accept it as a part of being me (and I've always been pretty happy being me). So I have never felt guilt, or the idea I wasn't normal (and from years reading Dan Savage I believe all guys, and many women, have a kink, and cross dressing is mine).

Now, if anyone can give me tips on how to cure the yips while putting, I'm all ears.

[AlexisRaeMoon]

I had a fascinating session with my therapist today, where we discussed my theory that it's a lack of acceptance of myself as a crossdresser that is holding me back. I think we may have gotten to the bottom (or at least much closer) to what my real issues are, and perhaps it really isn't that after all. As I mentioned earlier, this is more smoke and mirrors on my end, trying to cover up the deep rooted fears I have about sharing too much of myself. I won't bore you with all the details, but the theory we've worked out is that I have spent so much of my life suppressing my anger, in any form, that it's affected my self confidence. Basically, that paranoid voice inside that whispers all your worst fears and insecurities always wins, because there's no "inner anger" to tell that guy to go f--- himself! This makes a lot of sense for me, and really has affected many areas of my life. Just having that realization helps, because I would get so crazy trying to figure out why after all this time, I still can't get over this hump! I feel like now I have something to work towards.

I was thinking about something Tracii said (may have been in a different thread) about how her being an alpha male amongst other alpha males should've made it more difficult to accept this feminine side, yet that isn't the case at all for her. But really, that illustrates my point perfectly. The inner strength and confidence associated with alpha-type personalities would make it easier to just say, "the heck with it, this is who I am and I could give a rats ass what other people think." And that is SO not me.

So yes, I'm feeling more accepting of my feminine self again, thanks to this thread (and to my therapist). I'm hopeful that this newfound realization will help me be more like Tracii! :D

[Tina_gm]

My 2 cents- your last post, that's s lot of technical analyzing. I find the less of that I do the better off I am. I'm not trying to come down on you, just that if you read from members who do well to accept themselves, most don't go through all that. I used to.... like a mad scientist. Now, for me, it's becoming as simple and as basic that I am a feminine person. Physically male, in some ways internally as well, but I'm feminine much like most females are. Doesn't mean I am one, or not one, it only means I'm feminine, and that it's obvious that being a feminine person. The reason truly doesn't matter, but being so will cause me to like feminine things, clothing, interests, have feminine mannerisms. And it just all comes down to me accepting I'm a feminine person, roughly half the people on the planet are feminine, just very few men are and mostly women are, and that's ok.

[Pat]

Arianna, I think you're right on track. Early-on there's a LOT of navel-gazing going on. Gendermutt -- you even say you used to do it. I know I used to. I think there's a lot of stuff you have to suss out before you hit the point of just living it.

[ChrisP]

Self acceptance is great, and it must be accomplished to be whole.
However, if you are like the vast (vast!) majority of us humans, you need intimacy in your life, and that means someone else who accepts you for who you are.

There a lots of narcissistic people out there who not only accept themselves, but love everything about themselves(!) and they are no fun to be around.

I seek contentedness in this life instead of happiness. Happiness is wonderful (and I love it!!), but it's transient. I'm not happy for example when I see someone I love pass on, but I can accept that it's the nature of this life and this world, and know that I am richer for having shared time with him or her. That leaves me feeling content even when I'm not happy (or perhaps sad).

Don't give up on finding others who accept you, support you and wish you well in life. We certainly do that for each other here on this forum, and you deserve that in your life.

Chris

[sometimes_miss]

Having grown up in a time (60's and 70's) when it was even more of a terrible thing for a boy to be anything girly, the amount of guilt and shame we felt was tremendous. I can't speak for anyone else, but I simply tried not to think about it at all. hating school, I buried myself into comic books, both super hero and Archie series. And, of course, I wanted to be both the boy and girl characters, though I leaned mostly towards supergirl. And while I was actually more sort of like Jughead, I wanted to be Betty; again, to resolve the sexual identity issue.

I came to accept myself much, much later in life, as I learned and understood that what happened to me was not my fault. All too often, we are made to feel that we are to blame for this, that it's something we chose to happen to us. Even today, there's still a lingering little bit inside, making me wonder if I really tried hard enough to prevent it all. But then I come back to reality, that I was just a little kid, and I didn't have the knowledge or ability to control my own fate during those years of my life. It was the adults who were at fault, and they were the ones who screwed up my life. One was simply evil, the others simply weren't paying attention to the child that was under their care.

NOT MY FAULT, WORLD. I DIDN'T CHOOSE THIS. I'M JUST MAKING THE BEST OUT OF IT THAT I CAN.

[Rayleen]

Similar to Micki_Finn , accepting myself and being accepted by my understanding wife, it brings a better relationship closer together.

[Scarlett398]

Hi Arianna...It took me about 14 years to finally have "The Talk" with my wife about my thrill I get from cross dressing. I told her I couldn't ever give it up again and it's just part of my personality and basically always has been since I was a young boy around 8 or 9 years old. Not full up girly mode back then with makeup and wigs but just wearing some of moms sexy stuff when the whole family was out of the house for at least a couple of hours.

My therapist doesn't know about my cross dressing and will never know! His nurse knows and she keeps things very private just between here and me.

I told my wife the reason why most women don't get men's desire to cross dress is because so few women have the desire to put on a pair of khaki shorts with a T Shirt and a pair of Sperry's! Not much excitement going in that direction. But for a guy to put on sexy panties like stretch lace black in a hipster, thong, or even high cut and then the tights, boots or booties, with a short skirt and a snug fitting top with the accessories of jewelry such as bracelets, rings, purses, wigs, bras, fake breast that look so real, even the shape wear and makeup. My wife still doesn't understand the thrill and never will. I don't think most wives out there really understand our desire to cross dress.

My wife came home unannounced two hours early from work and caught me in full up Scarlett mode. She didn't know what to say or how to react. She just went into a silent mode for a day and that was it. Date night rolled around two nights later and all went super and we came home and had a super love making session. The subject of my desire to cross dress never came up. I wanted it to but it never did. I still have a need to ask her if she has any additional questions she would like to ask me about my cross dressing desire but she prefers not to address the subject and when I get my girl on, I can't do it in her presence. I respect her opinion here and only dress up when she's not around.

My hair girl at Sports Clips knows. As a matter of fact, she's about to trim two wigs for me that are the same length and style I currently wear only one of the two is a bit more auburn in color! She's very understanding and so are the rest of the girls at Sports Clips. They are a very open and accepting bunch because the see and hear all kinds of stuff from their regular customers.

I have total acceptance of my cross dressing desire. I purged a couple of times - once for religious reasons and another time when I got caught by my then non accepting wife who's still my wife and still prefers me to do it in private and not while she's around.

That's plenty from me tonight. I hope anything here can be of help to you Arianna. Love ya girl friend and I think you make a beautiful girl! You're very feminine and pretty and should be proud of your cross dressing skills! XOXOXO Scarlett

[AlexisRaeMoon]

My therapist doesn't know about my cross dressing and will never know! His nurse knows and she keeps things very private just between here and me.

Love ya girl friend and I think you make a beautiful girl! You're very feminine and pretty and should be proud of your cross dressing skills! XOXOXO Scarlett
Thanks, Scarlett! I'm curious, though, why so adamant that your therapist will never know? Wouldn't that be a helpful bit of information? (Not that I know why you see a therapist...)


My 2 cents- your last post, that's s lot of technical analyzing. I find the less of that I do the better off I am. I'm not trying to come down on you, just that if you read from members who do well to accept themselves, most don't go through all that. I used to.... like a mad scientist. .

It's funny that you say this, because when I first told my therapist about the crossdressing, he went out of his way to get me to stop over-intellectualizing it. He just wanted me to focus on how it made me feel, and not worry about "what it all means." I tend to agree with you, but the real reason for this current spate of analysis is really aimed at trying to get past this "stuck point" I have when it comes to telling my wife. It's really just kind of stupid that I've belly aching about this for so long now. It's more my fault then his by this point, he's probably sick and tired of covering the same ground with me!