Irrational fears or being extremely careful

[IamWren]

I simply love your account of the event. It certainly evokes all the irrational fears that seemingly pop out of nowhere when one first goes out into the real world and not just drive around or go for a short walk in darkness.
I pulled this quote from my thread about my first time going out because it really had me thinking about how nervous I was (still am) and why.

I honestly don’t know how this will be received but I think it deserves some consideration.

Certainly some of our fears are irrational but there are a lot people who hate transfolk. And although a huge percentage of CDers are straight and even married, your average Joe and Jane Doe do not know that. They see what they believe to be a trans person, or a gay person or someone who is a deviant or fill in the blank. And if it’s the wrong person who thinks you’re a transperson things could get bad.

Transgender Day of Remembrance is in a few weeks. And it’s day of observation of trans folk who have been the victims of hate crimes. They were killed because of who they are. I don’t mean to be a downer with this post but I’ve read a few threads where gals go out and there was a real threat to be fearful of and I remember one thread where a member wrote of how she was terribly assaulted.

Gretchen, I’m really glad my post was encouraging. And if you can, I hope you can get out into the world as Gretchen some day very soon. Plan ahead. Run through that plan in your head a few times. Don’t forget to put on your boobs like I did. :D Be very careful. Go with a group if you can find one. And of course, have fun.

[Tracii G]

Most of the vanilla people have no idea there is a trans day of remembrance so its pretty much a normal day to everyone in the normal world.
Some fears are irrational some are not so choosing what and where you go and how you present yourself should always be done with prudence.

[Lana Mae]

Hi, Sue! There are some genuine concerns about our safety out in the world! We must be careful where we go and who we are around! Some one help me on this one: a police show after shift report the supervisor says something like "let's be careful out there!" Hugs Lana Mae

[DIANEF]

Wasn't that Hill Street Blues Lana Mae?, a great show btw. We who do go out do run risks, but those risks can be reduced by just being careful about where and when you do go.

[Dana44]

I agree with Tracii, it is were you go and the people. I have had no problems out and about yet.

[AllieSF]

I think that your fears are justifiable to you and that is good enough for me. I truly understand how you may feel especially when one is going out for the first time. The fear and anxiety have a way of invading ones mind and emotions. At the same time, what others have said above is that one needs to select their venues those first times to help build up their confidence and enjoyment when going out. I believe that we all need to listen to our internal control mechanisms and indicators. Our gut feelings can help a lot to keep us out of bad situations. Just realize that not all situations are dangerous or risky. In fact, I believe that most are quite safe except for those rare rare occurrences, like a falling meteorite. Good luck and enjoy the moment as best possible. It will definitely get better the more you do it. Practice makes perfect.

[Jaylyn]

I'm not out so no problems here. Dana did invite me to meet her and another gal on here once and I so wanted to go but really I'm not that passable and probably never will make it out dressed. I do believe though that there are people in every state that can't see we are harmless usually thats the ones most trouble makers pick on.

[Meghan4now]

Sayyidah,

I agree, there are both irrational and rational fears about going out, and in your story, maybe a little of both. But I think your flustered had as much to do with trying to get ready, and feel like you're put together, and all the really normal stresses of going out and wanting to make a good impression. Couple that with feeling like your pushing your time element and general artistic capability, and there you go. You walk in, and it takes a few seconds before you realize, you made it baby!

Then you finally get to relax. So, yes some of it is caution, some of it is self imposed, but so what? You DID it, and got the reward you deserved! Don't worry about whether it is irrational or not. It your fear and enjoyment both to own.

[Aunt Kelly]

Sayyidah,

First of all, they have to read you, sweetie, and your looks make that a bit of a long shot. :)

Seriously though, there are people like that out there, but they're generally cowards, emboldened to express their hatred only when they're in the company of others who are similarly inclined. Stay away from crowds of them and you're as safe as you would be in boy mode. You might get a scowl or two, but as has been said many times here, it is flat amazing how a confident small will disarm those acting out of that fear you describe. Truly, if you act like the lady you are presenting as, instead of the nervous/guilty pervert they might have imagined you to be, you can almost see the relief drain from them. I know, it's rather counter-intuitive, but it's true.
Look, I'm not a crusader for TG acceptance, but I like to think that every time one of us does that, we "normalize" the face of the transgendered a little bit in the normals' eyes. That's a pretty cool side benefit of winning people over and having them not scowl at you.

So when are you coming out with us again?

[Rachael Leigh]

For me since I’m coming out fully I’m not really concerned with my safety anymore then I was being in male mode.
Sure there could be folks who just has a problem with me as a TG person but I don’t think it’s as bad as it use to be.
I don’t go to bars or such places as that so I’m just careful where I go but as I go fulltime there will be new experiences I’m
sure.
As someone said here don’t act guilty or strange just be you when your out and all should be good
Rachael

[Pat]

It's true there's danger out there, no denying. But when we start talking in abstract terms, I think there's a tendency to over-estimate the amount of danger. We see more darkness than there is out there. Better to err on the side of caution, of course, but if you think like prey you attract predators.

I also think that inexperienced people tend to put themselves in riskier situations -- consider how many people start out by going to lonely places after dark when they first start going out. (I did it too.) I'm not saying I won't be the next one to have to tell the story of getting a beat-down, but these days being out during the daytime, interacting with normal people following their normal routines, I think chances of trouble are significantly lower. Sayyidah, I think you going to a restaurant to meet friends was probably a lot safer than any other choice you could have made for a first time out experience. For people local to MA, I can recommend coming to MechaMoose's "drab dinner" that's held irregularly at an Olive Garden in Worcester. Friendly folks, spouses welcome and only dress to the extent you feel comfortable. They get announced in the "Places to Go, Places to Meet" forum when they happen.

Speaking of Transgender Day of Rememberance -- it always sneaks up on me. If anyone else has the same problem, it's November 20th - a Monday this year.

Edit: Rachel, your post reminds me of the one thing that I think it is important to be careful of -- when you're presenting in public, you should take the same precautions GG's do. That can kind of be a shock to people who have been used to male privilege. (It was to me.) Presenting full time you'll get used to it, but to be unaware of it is dangerous. For people who present part-time it's something to keep in mind. You will not be accorded the freedom and respect that men are. Male me entering a restaurant never had to figure out if the sun was going to be down when it was time to walk to my car. Nobody was going to mess with me. The danger now isn't because I'm trans, it's because I'm presenting as an unescorted female.

[Becky Blue]

Whilst I agree that there is always a slight danger, and most GG's would tell us that they also always have a slight fear when alone and out at times. The danger can be mitigated by selecting when and where and how one ventures out.

I believe that in many cases its not the actual fear of being hurt or worse for being discovered, but the fear of being discovered and the potential embarrassment of being outed.

many experts say that the fear of fear is often worse than the fear itself.

[Cherylgyno]

No matter what anyone does in this day and age, that person is at risk. Walk across a street, good chance some one is on their phone not paying attention and bippity boppity boo there is an accident. Chicago, many people get shot every day for doing nothing to upset anyone. Poison in food. The list is endless.
We as humans can shrivel up in a bomb and bullet proof bunker. Or we can live our lives.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying to go past your comfort zone. If you aren't ready or you don't want to, then you don't need to venture out.
A baseball fan goes out wearing a shirt for his/her team. We go out wearing clothes for our favorite team (team cross dresser). No difference.
No matter what no one will ever please every one. I mow my lawn wearing a t-shirt, shorts and sandals. A neighbor tells me that I should at least wear a polo shirt to look respectable. No matter what there will always be people that resemble the north end of a South bound goose.

[GretchenM]

Sayyidah,

Thanks you very much for your encouragement. I am getting a little bolder about being out with more indications of the femme identity that is there about half the time. And I am well aware of the dangers of going to some places. Several years ago I met a transexual that had been beaten so badly she spent weeks in the hospital, had some minor brain damage, and lost her hearing in one ear. Wrong place, wrong time when she was first going out. Let that also be a lesson to others and as Lana Mae and Hill Street Blues said, "let's be careful out there."

So, my plan is to get dressed and go to a grocery store (one where I don't usually go) and do my shopping. Grocery stores are safe places and most people are more occupied with finding what they need than looking at others. It is also safe. If that goes well and I don't die of a heart attack :straightface: then I will drop by JoAnn Fabrics and get some yarn for a knitting project. That ought to be super safe and probably accepting. When? Early November when my wife will go see one of our daughters.

Gretchen

[Jean 103]

Thank you for bringing up Transgender Day of Remembrance, I'm taking the day off this year so they can't over work me and I miss it like last year.

The girls at JoAnn Fabrics are great. The last time I went there I'm checking out. Now I'm out , go out when ever I want wherever i want, no problems. So they send me coupon' s I my email like dayly . I have me phone out looking for the right one. The SA asks and I had her my phone. She finds a coupon , then I had her my card. She gives me a funny look. I don't think anything of it , our side it hits me. My account with them is in my girl name Jean. My card is in my legal guy name. I don't think i pass, my best friend disagrees with this statement.

Have a great time
Love jean

[Julie Slowinski]

Chicago, many people get shot every day for doing nothing to upset anyone.

Living in Chicago, the downtown part and not the suburbs, safety is always something to be considered, even with my male privilege. The rule I follow is 'safety in numbers', and not necessarily with people you know. That is, the safest place is a busy street, and the only time I feel unsafe is when I'm on a desolate street (again regardless of attire). I don't have any statistics, but I'm guessing that the majority of tg assaults (or assaults in general) do not occur on a busy street with dozens of pedestrians walking by.

I actually made this mistake after one of my first nights out in Seattle. After closing the bar (at 2am), I walked with the tg girl I just met to her car. The weather was beautiful, I was wearing a LBD and platform maryjanes and just not ready for the night to end. So I decided to walk around the neighborhood and just relish in the experience of being out and enjoy my new found freedom. In retrospect, it probably wasn't a wise decision, cuz at that time of night (~3am) I was definitely on some desolate streets and was probably lucky that nothing bad happened.

In defense of Chicago, not really cuz we do need to fix the problem, but the majority the shootings occur in very specific neighborhoods and a large fraction are gang related. It really breaks my heart to know that so many young people are dying just a few miles away. I just don't know what I can do to help the situation, which adds to the frustration. Maybe puts our (somewhat self involved) 'plight' of crossdressing into a different perspective ....

[Jaylyn]

I'm not out but even in male mode there are some places I would go without few buddies around for help. My suggestion is play it cool and go to the places you know are not frequented by the thugs out there.

[IamWren]

Thank you all for the input. Really good stuff to think about and I hope guests who see this thread find the advice encouraging.

And a tip of the hat to Cherylgyno for the quote of the day. Love these two lines.

We as humans can shrivel up in a bomb and bullet proof bunker. Or we can live our lives.

...there will always be people that resemble the north end of a South bound goose.

[Lacy PJs]

Some fears are not in regards to physical harm although I don't want to diminish that at all. But for those who live in a conservative area, being "outed" can be just as or even more damaging. If you're a professional person or own your own business, you don't have the protection that "employees" have in regards to discrimination. And don't kid yourself... there are lots of "reasons" why a person can be dismissed that are unrelated to discrimination but can stand up in a court of law. Come to work late... poor performance reviews... the list goes on forever.

Then there's the whole thing about your standing in society... you volunteer on this board, serve on that committee... maybe even hold an elected office locally... all of that can be gone if you are found out. So there are a lot of reasons why someone needs to be more than a little careful when they venture outside of the privacy of their own castle. And they are very rational. You may get away with it in some ultra-liberal areas but I doubt if it would fly in many "Small Town, USA" locales.

Lacy PJs

[Helen_Highwater]

Certainly some of our fears are irrational



I so wanted to go but really I'm not that passable and probably never will make it out dressed.

The two quotes above to me go hand in hand. Jaylyn's comment about passing is one that is regularly seen in the forum despite so many writing about their own experiences as someone who doesn't pass, and I include myself in that, who get out there and mingle with the muggles.

Fear is a threshold that needs to be stepped over. The step often for many individuals, and again I'm included, that takes a great deal. However I have to say that it was made easier by reading about the experiences of many here. Irrationality is a powerful force. Many times the only way past it's restraining grip is to say, "Oh F&*^ it" and step over that line. Once broken, a new found form of reality starts to take hold.

After all, how do you know something is irrational until you experience life on the other side.

We've been conditioned by society to feel bad about what we do. That we are somehow freaks, perverts. Overcoming those deeply ingrained misconceptions isn't easy. Finding that level of self belief, difficult.

So let me suggest an amendment to irrational and suggest it's re-labelled as exaggerated. Hoards of pitchfork, torch carrying haters walking the streets, nah. The odd knuckle dragging moron, yes. If going out we all need to be careful in where we go but that's true even when in drab mode. There are places I wouldn't go in drab and feel safe even if armed to the teeth. When I go out I know there's a risk. However I also know that risk is small as long as I choose carefully where and when I go, stay alert and dress to blend.

Think of it as this. Going out in the car carries the risk of serious injury or even death. How many think of this was we pick up our car keys and head to the front door?