Had a Chance Chickened out

[Nikki A.]

I was asked by the service department to help a customer set up their Sirius radio set up in their car.
I went out to the customer's car and the lady was a TG woman. She was wearing a nice blouse and outfit, but if you're a dresser you know. We sat in the car and spent a while with the Sirius people getting the radio programmed.
I wanted to say that I admired her outfit or something to at least I admired or at least understood or that we did have some kind of kinship. But I could not come up with anything that might sound patronizing or creepy or that might be taken the wrong way. We were alone in the car and everything would have been said in private, but I felt like an idiot.
So anyway, if you are on this forum, please know that I do appreciate what you're doing and I hope it makes you happy. Hope you continue to use our service department and stop in and say hi if you're in for service.
I'm out and about myself and if someone comes up to me I'm comfortable explaining myself.
If any of you are in a similar situation, what would you do or say.

[Lana Mae]

Did she talk? You could have said what a pretty blouse or nice skirt and took it from there but in a non-outing way! I would have said nothing and then thought of 100+ things to say afterward! I would not out someone on any day but would talk to them as the gender they are presenting! Just my $.02! Hugs Lana Mae

[AllieSF]

In this particular situation, I think that you handled it perfectly. Sometimes in a more casual situation like in a store, making a casual comment about something that you both may be looking at or what someone may be wearing can work well, "for non T related small talk". Let them go "there" not you.

[Micki_Finn]

Alone in the car is probably the WORST place to say something. She was basically trapped in a box with a stranger. How would you feel if you were in her situation? Besides, who’s to say she felt the same “kinship”. Maybe she’s a fully trans woman who doesn’t think your experiences as a PT crossdresser really compare to hers. Maybe she wasn’t actually trans at all.

Besides, I think most of us just want to be treated like normal people right? You wouldn’t go up to a cis-male and say “Hey, you’re a guy! I’m a guy too!”

There are times and places to socialize with “sisters” but while you’re at work is definitely not the time.

[Tracii G]

Best not to venture into those realms until you get to know her a little better.
You could have asked for her cell number at the end of the installation.
I had tires put on my SUV and the 50 something guy in the sales room was very nice the whole time I was there.
He called my name when they were done so I went up to settle the bill and he said would I be out of line if I asked for you number?
I smiled and said sure and took a business card of theirs and wrote my number on it.
He smiled and said thank you I said call between 5:00pm and 7:00 pm I am usually not busy so we can chat.
He is a really nice man and we have been out 5 times in total.

[Tracy Irving]

You handled it correctly. Better to feel like an idiot than open your mouth and potentially become one.

[Linda P.]

Very, very tempting to want to take the opportunity to interact and make a connection with someone you recognize as a kindred soul, but since there is no way to know how in advance how they feel about being "outed", the best course is to do what you did and say nothing.

[Nikki A.]

We were on the phone with Sirius and I did use the proper pronouns and we did make small talk. I did ask her why she didn't buy from our dealership and she did tell me why, strictly money, wasn't me she dealt with.
I did tell her that if she was in the market down the road to ask for me and I would make sure that she would be happy with the deal. Over all I kept it professional and low key.
Mikki as far as if I were in her position, if someone asked or had questions and was polite, I would have no issues of discussing and answering any questions. Only by being open can we educate people and gain acceptance one person at a time.

[giuseppina]

It is better to keep one's mouth shut and be thought a fool rather than open it and remove all doubt. :D

[OCCarly]

I am perfectly fine talking about my gender transition and meeting fellow people who fall under the "transgender umbrella," but not everyone is, so I think you did the right thing. And many, many thanks for gendering her correctly, using the correct pronouns and making her feel comfortable. Not everyone does that, and I hate being called "sir" after spending the better part of two hours putting together an outfit for an evening and working on my hair and makeup.

Back before I started transitioning when I was trying on "crossdresser" status to see if it fit, I used to tell my "out" transgender clients that I was "gender nonconforming." But I never would have raised the subject with someone without knowing ahead of time that they were "out."

Again, as someone who is transgender, and now in transition for eighteen months, I thank you for being polite and respectful.

[Dana44]

As OCCarly said. It was good for yu to be respectful and use the roper pronouns. Good jbb Nikki.

[Jean 103]

This has happened to me a few times, I posted one yesterday , that is people coming up to me. I don't mind but I would never do it to someone else, especially at work. I'm out, they know at work, but I could still get fired if the person complained. There is a person at one of our suppliers that I swear is FTM. He has helped me a few times. Besides his body , that gives him away, he is just to serious. Still I could never out anyone.

[Beverley Sims]

Sometimes I will comment about an outstanding fashion look, usually, I like your hair or some other feature that stands out.

This illicits an interactive conversation that is very nice but that is about all.

I think I have had a positive response ONCE, so don't get too excited about this approach either.

[BrendaPDX]

I might comment that I liker her outfit, or that she looked nice, but no more that that. Being in a car might make her feel trapped, I think you chose wisely. Brenda

[Pat]

Think about all the posts we see on this forum by people who went out and did something and they come back and enthuse about how swimmingly it went, "Nobody noticed or cared," "Everyone treated me with respect and I feet so accepted," etc. You just provided her with one of those experiences -- good on you! Far better than anything you could have done for yourself by taking that experience away from her. ;)

[CONSUELO]

You were in a professional situation and you handled it professionally. Perhaps a comment about her choice of clothes would have worked but again, perhaps not.So, you did the right thing.

i was at a cocktail party recently, by myself and not dressed but my hair was very long and freshly washed. A woman in a group of people suddenly said to me "what beautiful hair!" i smiled but was unprepared for her next comment which was "May I touch it?" i was so flustered by this unusual request that I actually inclined my head and let her touch my hair. But i also felt embarrassed and left the party very soon afterward. I'm sure she meant well but it came our awkwardly. Your customer might have felt the same way.

[Alyssa Lane]

Ya I get women fascinated by my long thick hair all the time, they are just amazed how thick my hair is.

[nikkim83]

Sometimes I will comment about an outstanding fashion look, usually, I like your hair or some other feature that stands out.

This illicits an interactive conversation that is very nice but that is about all.

I think I have had a positive response ONCE, so don't get too excited about this approach either.


Once more than I ever have.

[rachael.davis]

You were at work, end of the story.

[suzanne]

How about, " I like your shoes. Where did you get them?" A compliment is alway a great place to start a conversation, and that one carries a suggestion that you know more about women's clothes than your average car audio tech. The follow-up is your test. If it gets only a one word answer, the conversation is over. Don't pursue.

As a default, it's always safest to stay on the topic at hand.

[looking_good]

Far from 'chickened out' I think your 'business as usual' was a great response - normal and accepting and exactly what a lot of us hope for. It is tempting to have a secret handshake or secret scarf knot, or sign of some kind, but our interest in a crossdressing related social interaction may not be theirs. Best left unsaid.

Having said that, I must admit, I do love the "Like your shoes. Where did you get them?" idea. I could say it to anyone - male or female - wearing interesting shoes. I shall steal it shamelessly. I might learn where to get some cool shoes.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Nikki:hugs:, Line #4 in my signature says it all ! >Orchid...:daydreaming:...

[Majella St Gerard]

in that situation you behave professionally.