Instincts were followed

[Tamsin Secret]

A week ago my life changed.

In fact on that Saturday night I changed someone else's life too.
After harbouring a secret inside of me for the best part of my life I spoke words I never thought I would have the courage to speak.

I told my wife I crossdress.

It was brutal on emotions for both of us and at some points I was bordering on hysterical as the release of so many years came ebbing out.

My wife also was emotional both in surprise at what I'd told her but empathy for me as she could clearly see I was distressed.

I had planned for this to happen one day, I just didn't know when, or even if I would ever have the courage to do so.

I had a backup plan in the form of a letter I had written of which had many questions I thought she may ask and explanations but we didn't get to that point.

She listened, comforted me and allowed me to talk.

We must have been talking, crying, cuddling etc for a couple of hours (or that's what it seemed) and then went to bed together holding each other.

Her immediate concerns were what if it evolves into more than what it is, where did I do it and the hardest one to hear that she was scared of losing me as a husband.

I hope I reassured her on all and throughout tried to reflect in a way that would show her I had tried to think of things from her perspective and how it could/would make her feel.

She wants time to digest what has been said and I fully accepted that. I told her I want to answer any questions she has but only when she is ready to ask them.

The following day was ok, we didn't discuss the night before but we're very affectionate towards each other with reassuring hand squeezes and cuddles.

On Monday we messaged a bit during the day again her saying she needed time and me reassuring her that's ok. The only difference this time was that I asked she didn't close down on me. I want her to be able to talk about it.

I also told her that I had prepared for her to want to talk to someone about it. By that I mean a close friend/family member. I told her I wasn't pushing her to do that but realised that once I had told her it wasn't 'my secret’ anymore and she shouldn't have to bottle something up that I have chosen to unburden onto her if she felt that talking to me wasn't what she wanted to do.
That being said there is nothing I want more than to talk with her about it but I understand the utter absurdness those conversations may be for her at the moment.

I didn't really know how I would feel afterwards. I suppose a lot depended on the reaction of my wife. But it's a strange feeling of absolute exhaustion and quite a bit of guilt (in a different way than when I was carrying the secret) as I know emotionally I have no doubt caused her turmoil.

I am telling myself that ultimately I have done the right thing. But already being on the other side now I can see that keeping it secret is also an option (if you can be sure of never being caught, it not progressing to anything other than being in the house/hotel room, if you can deal with the hiding of the truth) it should still be considered.

Where do I go from here?

I told her I was telling her as I felt it was getting to a point where I couldn't handle all the feelings on my own anymore. It was affecting me as the person she already knew and because of my secret I could never explain why I was the way I was. I wasn't expecting her to be the person I discussed it with, but if I was going to seek some help to try and help me understand it more than I do, then she should know before anyone else. I don't know if I will tread that path or not straight away, I think I need some time to myself now too.

I told her I couldn't live with the fear of driving around with a bag of things in the boot of my car anymore, and God forbid, an accident happened and there was no explanation for it.

I love my wife and cannot portray just how wonderful she has been considering the news to her so far. She may be in shock so am under no illusions that the same tolerance will be consistent throughout the coming weeks/months/years.

What I do know is that she has given us a chance and I will be doing all I can to repay the early faith she has shown in the strength of our marriage faced with what to many would consider to be a bombshell.

Miss S

[AllieSF]

Congratulations on the very BIG step that you have taken. It is so much greater than any of those smaller steps we take over time as we discover this side of ourselves. My only going forward recommendations is patience, honesty, good communications and pray that she will understand what this and you really are all about, lite or otherwise. Thank you for sharing. That took a lot of courage.

[Lana Mae]

Congrats on a big step! Honesty and communication is what is needed now! Keep reassuring her you love her! Best wishes going forward! Hugs Lana Mae

[Micki_Finn]

I’ve said on the forums before that coming out to the wife isn’t an end but a beginning of a journey. She is supportive right now but that can come and go. Just keep the channels of communication open.

It sounds like you’re a little lost in your own identity so couples counseling could be helpful. Most therapists will give each of you some one-on-one time before or after a joint session which could be good for both you and your wife. As much as you want her to be open with you about her feelings, she may not be ready to say certain things to you directly.

[Tamsin Secret]

Thank you Lana Mae. You have always been a constant source of reflection for me on this forum. Appreciate your reply ❤️

- - - Updated - - -

Micki_Finn,

My wife is the the most important part of this process but I hope as, as you say, it's the beginning of a journey.

I will always keep those lines open and pro help will be a step we may take. We both need that little time now and if we can cope together then maybe we can live the happy life without the intervention. (Preaching the ideological outcome 😝)

[Teri Ray]

You have done the right thing for you and your wife. But your big talk is just the beginning. Take things slow and stay open and honest. Best wishes.

[Tamsin Secret]

Ty Teri.

I know this wont be a smooth ride but I plan for it to be an honest one x

[Tracii G]

I think you did it the right way so good luck from here on out.

[Tamsin Secret]

Thanks Tracii,

It will take a lot of luck and open-minded thoughts from us both.

She has been so amazing to this point. We will see where life takes us but I will be sure to recognise every positive (even if it's not instantly recognisable) and hope my apathy towards how she may now feel can be turned into a workable (and hopefully still loving) relationship ongoing.

[Tracii G]

Keep in mind this coming out does not give you free reign to do nothing but talk CDing all the time.
She will get tired of that in a hurry trust me.
Just remain your guy self most of the time for now and especially when she needs you to be the guy she married.
Worse thing you can do is push too hard at this point.Let her adjust to it all in her time.

[SamanthaToday]

Miss Secret, from reading your well thought out post , tells me you are great at communicating when you want to.

This is a huge part of any success you will have with your wife, keep it up.

Very happy for you, must have felt like a huge rock was lifted off you.

[karrin]

that was a huge step Miss S. best wishes to you. be safe Karrin

[Angie G]

I think you did the wright thing keep things slow as of dressing she has no need to be pushed into this. Show her the love you have for her everyday just the way she has tacking it seems she is one awesome lady.:hugs:
Angie

[Shely]

As someone who has done something very similar, I think, I know how you must feel. After we had our discussion some years ago we entered into a DADT mode, which is better than hiding things, but not the best situation. I hope your wife is accepting in the long term, but please don't push this too fast. It will take time for her to accept, and she may never fully accept it. Anyway you did the right thing. I hope the best for you!

[giuseppina]

... It sounds like you’re a little lost in your own identity so couples counseling could be helpful. ... :iagree:

It's great that you have come out to your wife, and at least her initial reaction seems positive. Some counselling from a duly qualified and licensed mental health professional is good idea because the info should not be slanted in any direction barring a counsellor with an axe to grind. That should not happen in any case.

I'm inclined to wait until your DSW brings this topic up or a few weeks, whichever comes first to discuss this topic again. In the meantime, it is NOT open season to dress in front of her. That is a good way to irritate your DSW and may lead to rejection.

[Tracy Irving]

Congratulations! I hope everything goes well moving forward. This is all new for her so make sure she still sees the man she married. Good luck!!!

[Dana44]

Congratulation on coming out to your wife. I would take it slow with her and ask her for input on stuff. Involve her in your thought also and it will feel close and make the marriage even stronger.

[Aunt Kelly]

First of all, yes. You have done the right thing. Honesty is best.
Next, all the standard warnings - take it slow, don't take this first round of "acceptance" as much more than the acceptance of the idea of you being TG. That's a rather big thing for an SO to wrap her head around. It will take time - more than you probably expect, for her to be "OK" in a way you'd like to see.
Lastly, you seem to be very tuned in to her feelings on this. Good on you. That's a sign of a strong and healthy relationship. With that in the bank and with your attention to her feelings going forward, you have as good a shot as any couple ever has at working this out.

Good luck to both of you.

Hugs,


Kelly

[bridget thronton]

Sounds like a good start - hope things continue to go we!l

[Teresa]

MissSecret,
Not an easy thing to do and there never is a right time. So she still has a husband but she isn't sure what else at the moment and you will be in a similar frame of mind.
I know your mind is now in two camps, do you dress more now she knows or do you cut back so you don't appear to be taking advantage.I know the emotions running from you I felt like a millstone had been lifted off my shoulders . You've done the right thing telling she can talk to other people if it helps, please leave her with that and don't ask if and when she has said something ,that remains her business not yours .

The other point is don't make promises you can't keep, tell her truth if she asks the gay question ,if she presses the point about wanting to more like a woman tell her you need to get counselling to answer that truthfully , it helped me because they are more likely to believe a professional. Don't be afraid to come out to you GP if you need help that have heard it all before , you and I aren't the only CDers in the World.
IF it helps find a social group, that is the best thing I did , you then have some purpose to buying clothes and the problem of driving round in a car with women's clothes isn't a problem. I always carry drab ones just in case a problem does arise .

I wish you all the best on the next stage , it is now going to be a learning curve of how much you need and what she will accept , I'm afraid you will have to accept compromises but then that's part of life anyway .

[Linda P.]

My very best to you and your wife during this challenging time. Love will find a way.

[GretchenM]

You did the Big Reveal in such a wonderful and beautiful way with care for her feelings while revealing a huge and potentially devastating secret to her. Well done, in my opinion. In her mind, her fears are very real. Be sensitive to those fears and avoid pressuring or trying to coerce her to do or accept things she is not ready to do or accept. If she becomes very open to your now not so secret behavior then respect her gift. If she wants to put limits on it to keep you from escalation that can become a sticking point that must be dealt with through compromise. That may be when you two will really need the help of a third party professional. That can spin out of control very easily. But here at first, as so many have suggested, give her time and show her that the person that she married is still very much there. Actions speak much louder than words. Best of luck - it is doable even though you may need to make some compromises and she may need to do so as well.

[Pat]

That secret needed to come out for you, so it's good that you let it. Things sound hopeful and I'm certainly hoping this will turn into yet another accepting couple story. You're in a scary transitional spot right now as the relationship has to re-stabilize. Give her space. Do consider getting some counseling, but ONLY from a therapist with (positive) experience in transgender issues -- and if they have experience with couples, even better. You're both going to be worried about "what if" situations for a while and it would be great if you could get info from someone who has seen this play out successfully before.

Congratulations on getting the secret out. Good luck.

[LeannS]

Miss S stop pressing her for questions she might have I am sure she does but be patient just leave it alone till she brings it up.

hope for the best

Leann

[Tamsin Secret]

Thank you to you all for your responses.

It's been over a week now and we are still at a point where after the main revelation we have not really spoken about it again together. I have on a few occasions out of the blue asked her if she is ok (knowing she probably isn't) so at least if she did want to chat but didn't know how to start a conversation I was sort of giving her the opportunity. She has always said she was fine and gave me a hug.

I'm ok with that because I know she isn't ready to talk but it's me telling her I care and am ready when she is.

It must be a generational thing but we have made more progress through messaging. She has been a lot clearer on her feelings and has said she will/wants to talk but wants to get her emotions in check before she does.
I have always responded in a way in which clarified that whichever way she does things it isn't wrong. I also managed to reassure her on some of the fears she may have, without pressing to find out if they were questions she had, by telling her simply that what I do is not seedy, it's a form of expression and that at times we will both need a sense of humour should she ever feel comfortable talking/finding out more.

I wanted to say those things specifically as they are quite broad in their subject but should again help her to see that she shouldn't be afraid to find out (even if it's just a little) more about my dressing.

I told her that her life didn't have to change as let's face it before she knew I was doing it anyway and she had no suspicions. So even in the worst case scenario for me (again I told her I had prepared myself for this) if she didn't want to know/talk ever again about it she wasn't wrong to do so and at least I would no longer be hiding anything from her.

I'm hopeful that things will develop between us. I just want the opportunity to talk some more in the first instance if not only to re assure her in person about any fears she has.

Longer term I hope we can share a little part of this together but I know that's a long way off yet.

This forum has been a source of real insight for me and will continue to be a place I will cherish. You all have played a part in helping me understand better what it is we do and I hope to one day my thoughts/experiences help another soul somewhere along the line.

Miss S

[Lydianne]

I'm pleased for you, MissSecret! It sounds like a delicate time for you both, though. I hope your relationship pulls through it and emerges stronger.

Hmm . . you're going to need a new forum name :thinking:.

All the best for the future! :).

- Lydianne.

[AllieSF]

MissSecret, I am really impressed with the way you are handling all this. After reading so many coming out stories on this site over the years, yours has captured and utilized all the best and recommended practices, in my opinion. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences in this sometimes very difficult coming out, being honest process..

[Michelle_NY]

I went thru the same thing as you did hon. Its been about 5 yrs now and she still hates my hobby

[KymG]

Well done for finding the courage to do so, and i hope it works out well for you.

[Kayliedaskope]

I went thru the same thing as you did hon. Its been about 5 yrs now and she still hates my hobby

But, it's not really a "hobby", is it? It's part of who you are. Reducing it to a "hobby" puts it on the same level as remote-controlled vehicles or knitting or model trains.

[Tina_gm]

Keep in mind this coming out does not give you free reign to do nothing but talk CDing all the time.
She will get tired of that in a hurry trust me.
Just remain your guy self most of the time for now and especially when she needs you to be the guy she married.
Worse thing you can do is push too hard at this point.Let her adjust to it all in her time.
I don't think it could be said any better than how Tracii said it. My own experiences with my wife certainly mirror this absolutely.

I will say that you are off to a great start. My wife felt similar to how your wife is feeling, or what she is expressing so far. It will likely be a bit bumpy emotionally for her. Please be prepared for this. Give her the time and space to work through it.

My advice, on the better days, don't take that as a way to charge ahead like crazy. No 2 point conversions. Trust me it will back up and blow up if you do. Time is ultimately what will bring her more security. You can say all the right things, and that does help, but she will need to see and feel over time that her worst fears won't become a reality. And for yourself, watch for the pink fog, or just such a major rush. Having her know is such a feeling of relief. Enjoy that, but please be careful not to focus on that alone. Keep all of the things that are on the front burner where they are.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

That's a very moving post MissSecret.

You've both been extremely brave and honest.

What should you do? What can you do but wait, and be the best husband to her you can.

Wishing you all the best,

Nikki

[alwayshave]

MissSecret, congratulations on the big reveal. Sounds like post reveal things are going well. Take it slow.

[LaurenS]

Thank you for sharing. Have a feeling everything will work out.

[Tamsin Secret]

So it's been 3 weeks since I spoke to my wife and she still isn't ready to talk. We have been messaging loads which as I said before is a generational thing I believe but not my preferred way of communicating especially with something as important as this.

I am however satisfied that it is at least a way to keep some sort of communication open with her about it but I fear currently she is pulling the duvet over her head a little.

I'm sure you will see from the segment's (my responses) of messages that I am trying my hardest to reassure where I can but at the same time be honest so as to not disappoint further down the line causing a back track on any progress we may make.

I haven't included whole messages and again these are all my words. I didn't feel it appropriate to plaster our conversations all over here but wanted two things from this post.
1 seek comments on whether my tone/approach seems right?
2 if it is or isn't may help others if they ever find themselves in the same position.

I still hope we will make progress in the future as a couple with this but in the meantime I will spend the time reflecting and encouraging where I can so this can be a workable thing for us both whether on my own with it or with her support.

I know you're not ready to talk and again that's ok by me. I will always want to talk and share but i understand that you don't.

I do need some me time though. I'm not sure how you would want that to work but again I said at the outset of this I didn't want to lie or sneak around you anymore so i'm just saying that I need that time.


Messaging is fine if it's a way we can communicate about things. You are not driving me to do it more it is what I am feeling I need to do.

The dressing is not about you!!!

You have done nothing wrong, it's not what you do, it's not what you say, it's not about comparisons it's none of the anxieties you may have.
It is about me and how I feel inside me.
That's probably harsh and hard to understand but it's so true.

You fit into this by being exactly the same as you were. My wife. That will never change for me.

You are beautiful, kind, the best mum, hard working, honest the list is endless. This is not your fault or the result of anything you have done.

You don't have to talk to anyone else, I just wanted to give you the option as I didn't want you to feel trapped and with noone to turn to if you couldn't talk to me.

I don't want you to feel low and don't feel like you need to. Remember that you don't have to have anything to do with it if you choose not to.

I can only say again that this is not seedy or perverted. It's unique/quirky and different I will give you that but it's harmless and is about expression of something inside of me that has manifested itself in this way.

I enjoy it and it's a rush but once it's done it's packed away and I get on with being me again, husband, father, BLOKE!

You should bombard me whenever you need to. I'm here for you about anything as well as trying to support you in your understanding of this so never ever feel like you can't.

Right from the start I knew this could impact us. I had to accept that you may not be able to deal with it and there could be all sorts of consequences attached.

I want us be together, I want us to be husband and wife and I want us to be happy. I also realise that all of the above doesn't necessarily come easy but that's not a reason to feel anxious about our future.

My thing is more than a hobby or interest as it's part of me but what I'm trying to say it's not all of me (far from it).

I know you don't want to see me but I wish you could. That way you could make your judgement based on a little bit of reality rather than imagination which could be very different to what is actual.

It's ok to never want to see me like it. It's ok to feel the way you do. None of its wrong and the feelings I'm sure are very real and raw.

Your not hurting my feelings with any of it. Because IT isn't something me and you share. It's something that can be boxed and put away and therefore compartmentalized for me so as we are typing and reading I'm doing so as me and not the person you think I might be when i'm dressed if you know what I mean.

Miss S

[sometimes_miss]

Best of luck. As others have said, continue to be the same guy to her that you've always been. Let HER decide if she ever wants to see you dressed or not, and let her be the one to decide when and if to talk about it. The fear of losing 'her man' is probably the biggest problem that we face. Take it slow. And stay out of the bad ole' PINK FOG!

[Tamsin Secret]

*update*
I've tried to stay as consistent as I can with my support and how I'm being with her.

I have recently been a little down about this new scenario. Should I have spoken, now I have but I can't talk anymore as she doesn't want to. It's so strange. At the same time my urge to dress has not decreased.

The other night I was quiet and when asked my mind didn't think and I just said 'you won't want to talk about it's.

I immediately apologized but the damage was already done.

We messaged again the next day. Same as before, her trying to deal with the emotions but not knowing how and not wanting to talk about it even though she was worried she was hurting my feelings..... God what have I done.

But then one of the later messages came through saying she was going to be out at a certain point in the weekend and even though she has said she doesn't want to know when I do it she is doing this hoping it will make me happier.

Jaw on floor

I haven't prompted for this directly and am quite frankly in awe of what she has just done.

She has warned that she may be quiet when she is back (knowing that I was dressed in her absence).

Do you know what, this eve when I got in we kissed, cuddled and the atmosphere was markedly better.

I won't push this, it maybe a one off, but I have said that until we can talk moments like she is offering I will be forever grateful for.

Miss S