Cowardly to not challenge the screed?

[IleneD]

Feel so awful, even cowardly.

I had a visit from an old shipmate (Navy friend) the other day. I'm not out to him, and I'm barely on a transition path; still learning the extent of my dysphoria. There's no doubt however that I am gender fluid SOMETHING, a crossdresser and quite possibly transgender. He is an old school kind of guy who served under my command and alongside me at times. On that level we are more than just friends.

Very old school, this gent. Near the end of our visit and lunch he went on a (political) tirade against "all snowflakes", and then went on about Transgenders; especially transgenders in the military. He was against their suitability for service; against taxpayer money supporting their medical needs, against VA benefits for TG care, etc. I briefly tried to talk him down, reminding him he probably had LGBT Sailor & Marines under his charge, and that the TG "phenomena" was real. [He insisted there were but 2 genders.]. I didn't really feel like I wanted to get into it with him, especially on this topic. And I didn't need to come out to him; not a soul so hostile to it. I didn't know he was of such a mind, but could have guessed.

Afterwards I felt like I chickened out and failed to call him out on it. He is a friend after all and not just an ex-shipmate.
As I proceed down my gender path I pray I have the courage to be Me, and stand up for all my brothers and sisters. It was a reminder that not everyone needs to know (until it gets to a transition point where it's impossible to cover.] I hate the thought of continued "living in shame" and afraid to expose myself, Yet, it seems wise to pick my fights (so to speak); especially with folks who once knew me as someone else in an entirely different life.

I just needed to get that off my chest.

[Sarah Doepner]

We need to carefully pick our battles. I've made statements to some who took them wrong and it may have damaged an otherwise solid friendship. In the relationship you describe there is a lot to overcome and it may be something that has to be done in very small steps, if at all. Part of the reason you didn't speak up may be because you are still attempting to find your own place in the world. Be patient for I'm convinced there will be many other opportunities to plant seeds of understanding or defend the kind of diversity we represent.

[Teresa]

Ilene,
I understand your dilemma, but you know there will come a time when he will have to be proved wrong for the sake of the all of us in this situation .
I feel you may have been happier writing this declaring you came out and stood up for your true feelings and made it clear to him that this community exists and does have equal rites .

I would be even tempted now to contact him by Email, letter or whatever and put the record straight , otherwise what happens next time you meet up ? Once you've done it you will find it easier. In some respects you are holding yourself back from accepting your true feelings and needs . We are similar ages and I know I can't replace this time again , if it doesn't happen now it never will , you were a courageous person in your work you can be the same with your personal life . Being TG is a wonderful challenge , I'm going to try my best to live it while I can .

[Karen RHT]

You're bang on when you said "it seems wise to pick my fights" Ilene. Now that it's off your chest, done and over with. Nothing to regret, just relax and be who you are.


Karen

[Meghan4now]

Ilene,

Don't be too hard on yourself. You tried at least a gentle approach. Sometimes you need to let it go. He was not listening, nor in the frame of mind to listen. You could have gotten animated about it, or come out, but that had a low likelihood of doing any good. As you say, you are not on solid ground yet, and this would have probably created a big stir between you. There will be another day, and I believe that the current social political divisions are adding a challenge to people that might be otherwise a little more accepting.

You will know when it is the right time.

[Alice K]

Ilene,
That was just a tactical retreat. Not to worry. Many ships have left the battle when out gunned. It is some times better to back away so that you can approach it in another direction at a later time. Heck George Washington retreated from New York and later won the war, Gen Smith retreated from the Chosin and the division was saved to fight another day,

There is so much misunderstanding and lack of knowledge of our situation. Some posts you may read on the web are pure hatred. There will be more opportunities to engage the enemy in the future when conditions for battle are more favorable. Live to fight another day.
Alice

[Fiona123]

Thanks for your service ! It's not easy being gender variant. I don't think you have anything two apologize for. If you are not ready to come out, it was probably not the right time to call out your Navy buddy.

[IleneD]

Alice,
Tactical retreat. LOL. I like that.
You are entirely correct, of course. So much misunderstanding. And the hatred I see on the internet and social media.
On the whole I'm a pretty 'straight' guy who believes and follows most virtue and standard wisdom. I'm also an Old School kind of guy in many ways, just as my friend.
It was just an awkward situation to have a trusted friend, someone who in another time I trusted my life to, go on about something that secretly touched me so personally; and I was unprepared and unequipped to properly deal with it at the moment. I had hoped for better out of him, for he's otherwise an intelligent man.
Yes, Alice K. Beware of the hatred. It's real, I'm finding out. And not just this episode with a friend. As I go down the path of my inner soul, I find myself listening to old acquaintances, family and friends with an different ear; and I hear on the side their opinions and thoughts (on TG or LGBT matters) and hear things I never once paid much attention. Very interesting how finding a new life changes my perspective on how I view and hear things now.

[CarlaWestin]

Ilene, I talk to my best friend of over fifty years practically every day. He hasn't worked in over twenty years and tells me all about how gays and trannies are tearing down the country and family structure. I've let him know that there's someone very close to me that is transgender. And that I think his comments are ignorant and neanderthal. But we've been close for a long, long time. In your case it is probably wise to just let it go.

[Alice Torn]

I can relate. Everyone i know has the only two genders set in stone. I agree there are only two sexes, or some few born with both. I am a biological male with male plumbing, but in my being, i feel just a much woman than man. I just have male whiskers to shave, and male plumbing, and i like some guy things, but feel released form prison in a dress, hose and heels and a wig. I hear it from ministers, and many people that all this TG stuff is evil. I di not sign up for this. I have always wrestled with it, for as long as i remember, too. I am pretty conservative, other than this thing i have been born with. I think i am pretty straight, too, but I realize now i am not very attracted to most women now. Only a few. I am more attracted to Alice Torn in the mirror all dolled up .

[SamanthaToday]

I thought you handled it well, like others said there was no point in revealing yourself at that moment.

You did say something and that's important. He will reflect on the talks you had like all people do and since he respects you, maybe you nudged the rock

a little closer.

[mykell]

ive told a story here a few times....worked on projects with different teams, one time with an unfamiliar team i had worked with one fellow i had worked with asked if i would be back to work the next week, i was not, he went on to exclaim how he hoped that so and so was not coming back to the team, told him i had not met so and so....he went on to try to describe a trans person and defaulted to you know that thing, i look him in the eye and said wow....we have a thing in our family....he stumbled with his next few words and said you know what i mean to which i said i sure do, and i had negative thoughts about it but educated myself and dealt with it....it was fun and that is how i will handle it again if that type of opportunity comes up again....now of coarse I am that person in my family so one is able to stick up for oneself without outing themselves....dont worry to much about not having a confrontation on it, you say they are a friend so i fear this conversation will come up again so maybe next time....

[Alice K]

Ilene, hatred grows from fear. Fear is created by lack of awareness and understanding. What will be interesting for you to observe is his attitudinal change over time as you don’t join in in the bashing and even offer subtle terms of acceptance. And as societal awareness grows he will become more accepting (one would hope).

I guess what I’m saying is don’t hold it against him. Help him grow without outing yourself.
Alice

[Rogina B]

Your old "shipmate" is on the wrong side of goodness. He won't accept acceptance and needs to be told by you that he is on the wrong side. If and when he finds out about you...you won't be his friend anymore,anyway. Best to try and get him to see that his viewpoint is wrong.

[Jodie_Lynn]

"Never fight a battle you don't have to win."

Ilene your ex shipmate is of a certain mindset and it is highly doubtful to the point of improbability that he will change his stance. You made the right call.

[Rayleen]

Ilene, I admire your courage . Being in the service, I seen a lot of hatered. back then it was not tolerated. I had good friends that were hiding it and we got along well. Thanks for sharing you story.

[Micki_Finn]

Even if you had confronted him, there’s no guarantee it would do any good. It may even have just entrenched his view more. Honestly I feel like our best hope is educating the next generation and waiting for the “old guard” to die out.

[Tracii G]

Maybe just you showing some compassion for TG people will jerk a knot in his backside and show him he just might be wrong in his previous assessments.
There have been plenty old friends I have run into that hate gays TGer people so I see no reason to fight with them about it.
Its not being scared to confront them on my part its actually being tactically smart to know my enemy. I can choose to fight the battle another day if it comes to that.

You did fine he is just one person and consider him on a need to know basis and I am sure you know what I mean.

[Dana44]

I think you did right it is very hard to fight a bigot as the ae hard to convince and it better to walk away from that and who knows maybe you plated a seed.

[Stephanie47]

My wife and I have a friend who is married to a man who has not been enlightened. At times his wife and my wife and I have basically told him off when it comes to putting down people who are not like him. From the description of the discourse it did not seem very civil on his part. That seems to be a common occurrence these days. Frankly, the highest office in the land is no longer a role model for civility. There is no reason to 'out' yourself and create a hostile situation. You also have to consider the possibility it does more good not to announce your sexual identity because he will basically throw it back in your face, "Well, of course you like THEM. You're one of THEM!" Outside of myself I do not know of any other cross dressers in my community. My wife has a cousin whose daughter is transitioning to a male. We have gay and lesbian friends and professional acquaintances. It seems, if you're not part of the targeted group, your opinion may carry greater weight.

We have an African-American son-in-law and consequently a mixed race grandson. I just let the bigots ramble on before I embarrass the crap out of them in front of everyone.

[Rachael Leigh]

Ilene, yes very tough to deal with folks like your friend and especially when one is so Ridgid in what they believe.
Like you I knew I no longer could hide this side of me and that's why I fully came out at work and now begin a journey to
transition.
I wish you well as you learn more about yourself
Rachael

[docrobbysherry]

I'm a firm believer in the, "Need to know", theory, Ilene. If u aren't out and living as a female I recommend that policy.

I'm 74 and have a number of very old friends. Ones I made eons before I began dressing in my 50's. Only one is very open minded and accepting. Altho he's not my closest friend, he's the only one that knows I dress!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Ilene :hugs:, That was the right call,

See line #4 in my signature.>Orchid...:daydreaming:...

[suzanne]

Go easy on yourself. From your own words, you tried to make him understand and we're unsuccessful. That's not the same as chickening out. Good on you for trying, and keep on fighting the good fight.

Paradigm shifts occur, not when the old guard sees the light, but when they die out and are replaced. Erwin Schrodinger

[Kandi Robbins]

Ilene,

These is no use beating yourself up about that. I know I certainly would have done the same. This is all so difficult for many to understand and here we are going through it ourselves and I can tell you, I certainly don't understand it myself. I have not told so many people in my life, in fact almost none (except my wife).

Being military, you know life is full of battles, this is one you had no upside in undertaking. The time will come when you are ready to take that on, now is just not the time. We are evolving as a society on the gender spectrum and in time, this won't be as big of an issue. We're just not there yet.

You'll get there.

[Lana Mae]

Ilene, I think you did the right thing! There are those who will never change their minds and are just closed minded! He basically does not have a need to know! Later you may have to face this but for now you did the right thing! I am going to have to face a similar situation with a life long friend and am not sure where he stands on all this! I am not sure how I am going to handle it! Best wishes Hugs Lana Mae

[Pat]

I'd say relax, forgive yourself, and save the memory of how you feel now, so you can use it for inspiration next time. ;) You'll rise to the occasion when you're ready.

[alwayshave]

Ilene, I have a friend that I have had since we were three years old. He is my best friend, we are the opposites politically and socially, but we have that bond. I have decided not to have that difference of opinion with him, it's not worth the emotional effort.

[redtea]

I would have done the same thing as you, Course I agree with what your friend said despite being a crossdresser myself.

I would say more but the admins are very strict here.

But yeah picking your battles is a good idea

[Tracii G]

If you know you can't change their minds why waste your time trying?

[IleneD]

Thanks, Trace.
You rock, girl. I think this is your second stab at responding to this thread.
You're right. Can't change a mind on the spot like that.
With regards to my friend (whom I still value),.... at least I know now.

Thanks again. Love following your stuff. You are a solid one, dear. I trust you.

[Joni T]

Let it go or risk ending the friendship. His mind is made up, and closed. Any attempts to convince him otherwise will be an effort in futility. It boils down to this: do you want to retain the friendship?? If so, I suggest you just let it go and if the subject comes up again, just be a good set of ears and keep your trap shut. As the saying goes, "Never pass up an opportunity to remain quiet".
Jon

[Samantha2015]

Ilene I see so much of the same thing on Facebook, some people I went to school with and were close friends with have really shocked me in the
last few years with political statements and such. So many times I wanted to hit back with both barrels but just had to bite my tongue instead.
I doubt it would do much good anyway they are so entrenched in their beliefs there is no chance of changing their minds.
I think you were correct in waiting to pick your battles.

[sometimes_miss]

I understand your dilemma, but you know there will come a time when he will have to be proved wrong for the sake of the all of us in this situation
Then the question remains, exactly how much do we wish to be martyrs for the cause? If you've got the energy, patience and strength of will to go through life dealing with the extra problems that being a front line soldier for the tg army, great, go to it. But the life I've lead had left me pretty much exhausted. I'm tired of arguing with thick headed people. Enough is enough. They don't WANT to be 'enlightened'. They LIKE being what they are.
My life has been miserable enough. I don't wish to spend the rest of my life arguing with people about something that they're not likely to change their mind about. Prove them wrong? Hahahaha. People like that have their own facts, we see this in the news every day. They'll just call anything we say, as fake; they don't accept any facts that they don't like. They will only believe what they want to believe. Remember, you're attacking something that they believe in their hearts just as strong as their religion.
It's not going to change them unless they want to change. The media has now showed that we are out there, in large numbers. Ignorant, set in their ways, obstinate people will often carry their beliefs to the grave. The truth is out there if they want to see it. But many don't. They would just prefer that we disappear, some would prefer us dead.
The old saying is never discuss politics or religion. We can now add gender to that.

[Dorit]

Another way of saying the same thing others have written: "You cannot lead someone to a place that they do not want to go." I have learned this through experience, so I now don't even try else I see some kind of openness or receptivity to learning about us.

[Persephone]

First off, a heartfelt thank you for your service.
Next, I would do (and have done) the same thing. Confrontation never wins points and it certainly doesn't preserve friendships. If we want to be ambassadors for trans rights then we have to help people change. True change can only happen if you remain friends and take it a step at a time.

Hugs,
Persephone.

[Kellitgdet]

Thank you for your service. There will be a time and a place for you to be completely out and this wasn't it. Don't be so hard on yourself, you would have outed yourself before you are ready, to someone who would not appreciated the beautiful person you are.

[JustJoni]

Ilene, my two-cents-worth is in agreement with most here. You did what you could with someone who clearly is not ready for a change in outlook. I'm terribly sorry that such a situation arose for you with an old friend. You are such a wonderful soul, and it clearly wounded you.

Chin up, girl!! And try not to beat yourself up about any more!! :hugs:

[Bella.CD]

I thank you for your service.

Your brotherhood was forged under DADT, your own feelings will dictate this brotherhood going forward-noone's advice will supercede your own thoughts and feelings, your brotherhood is different than most will ever experience.

[DMichele]

Illene,
Thanks for your service. So many good responses to your experience. Learn from the experience, and yes pick your battles. Challenging your friends opinion on TGs is like trying to turn an aircraft carrier around in the Schuylkill River - impossible.

Your friend is one of millions of people who only see gender in B&W and miss out on so many truly beautiful people who are TG or support the LGBTQ community. Hopefully by our actions and perseverance barriers will be broken down.

[GretchenJ]

Agree with the majority of posts here that you did the right thing, before you beat yourself up too much , remember this

1) You did not agree with him, but you calmly tried to offer the alternative argument.
2) we all have friends that have polar opposite beliefs, be it political, religious, social - but unless they are total racists and/or bigots, we still are friends with them
3) Having such a discussion with a baby boomer vs a millennial or a gen-x poses a ton of addition challenges, from years of upbringing and applied social norms.
4) I am sure that opening yourself out to him would have destroyed your friendship

[Laura912]

When growing up (that condition is debatable) on a military base and being in the USN Medical Corp, I ran into that mindset many times. To be completely honest, I probably would have taken the same course as you, Ilene, in my younger days. Now, as a physician and being older, it is easy to start explaining things at a biological level without getting into the "you are wrong I am right" state. Has it made any difference? Do not know, but would like to think it made a slight crack in their foundation of ignorance. When the flak is too heavy and the mission does not have to be completed right now, time to pull up and chose when and how to come back.

[Aunt Kelly]

Is an officer, you learned early on that there are times when avoiding engagement is the proper course of action. I suspect that this was one of those times. You were facing someone who was very unlikely to be swayed by your arguments, your subtle overture on the matter demonstrating that pretty clearly. Pressing on would have produced nothing positive and may well have ruined something you both value. At this point, that's not a wise sacrifice, IMO. It may well be that down the road, you find yourself in a place (transition) where the risk of alienating ignorant friends is unavoidable. Save your courage for those encounters.

[Beverley Sims]

There are times when you have to take a "tactical shift" with people, I have read other replies here and if you value a friendship it is not dishonest or shameful to skew the truth.

You have not lied, just not revealed all the facts.

The government does this all the time in it's practiced "need to know" philosophy.

It may rankle our senses a little but we still vote for them.

My vote goes to you insomuch as you keep your friend, practice the "Judas Escariot" principle and occasionally deny what you really feel.

Talk to others about it as you have done here and you will find that a lot of us have done similar on occasions.

Yes! We still have a life to live.

Enjoy what we can of it. :-)

[DIANEF]

Sometimes we have to walk the fine line of 'should we, shouldn't we'. I have often come close to telling people of my cross dressing but a voice in my head stops me just in time. Ilene, I think you made the right decision in not telling your friend.

[GretchenM]

I think you did the right thing. We need to educate people but, in my opinion, someone of that mind is not going to listen and will argue until the cows come home and longer. The sad truth is that some are just not reachable and in my experience people like that are almost always unreachable. We have enough problems to deal with without creating severe problems in old friendships. Maybe better to just let it go and not communicate with that person in more than a very superficial fashion. Perhaps someday he will find out the truth in some way he understands or perhaps he will shift his thinking a little. Another possibility is that he detected a bit of a change in your actions that were not there before and were unconsciously hinting that you might be One of Them. And he just had to speak his mind in a hurtful way. The fact is, we become accustomed to using certain body language and ways of expression that are a bit more feminine than one might expect and it does get them to thinking. It is a kind of inadvertent coming out by action rather than expression such as, "Guess what, I'm ..."

[Teresa]

Lexi,
Sorry I don't agree , we should not be put down and persecuted , we have a right to do as we do , I can be as stubborn as the next man maybe more so , but I am only just emerging into the World with CDing , the fight is worth the effort , I do it for other members on the forum to try and give something back and I'm determined to prove to the World we should be accepted in society .

The situation is changing rapidly in the UK we have to be ready to show our true selves if the government has finally woken up to the fact we exist . The gender question is becoming part of everyday life , schools will now be given ratings taking into account their gender policy , passports are becoming easier to change . The 2021 national census will have far more questions requesting gender status .

No one wishes me dead or wants me to conveniently disappear because I'm a Cder ,now is the time it will be discussed , make no mistake !

[Rogina B]

With regards to my friend (whom I still value),..

I guess some of us have a different definition of "friend" than others do. Would he like you as much if he knew?

[Sarah Doepner]

I have a brother-in-law who I butted heads with on Facebook over Caitlyn Jenner. My best arguments garnered accolades from everyone else who took part in the discussion, rolled off him like they were complete nonsense written in a different language. He is definitely NOT open to changing his views and probably retreated and strengthened the walls of his mental fortress as a result. I've come out or have become known as transgender to some in the family, and I truly hope he never finds out.

You may drop a few comments and tidbits of information in the future and see how he responds. Some people only change their minds when someone close to them comes out. He may come around some day when a grandchild is revealed to be trans or he may decide to disown the child. Regardless, there is value in your shared history, and as long as you can stay focused on those things you share, there is life in that friendship.

[ellbee]

So much misunderstanding. And the hatred I see on the internet and social media.

...

Beware of the hatred. It's real, I'm finding out. And not just this episode with a friend. As I go down the path of my inner soul, I find myself listening to old acquaintances, family and friends with an different ear; and I hear on the side their opinions and thoughts (on TG or LGBT matters) and hear things I never once paid much attention. Very interesting how finding a new life changes my perspective on how I view and hear things now.

Wait... I thought that nobody notices, and nobody cares?

I mean, don't we hear that all the time here? :strugglin


Guess what, folks? These very same people aren't just some keyboard-courage hermit types (whether anonymous or not) -- they, too, actually go about their business of their daily lives. At the mall, at the grocery store, at the restaurants, at the park, wherever. Right alongside of you; the same people are where you (en femme) are, too.

Do these people notice sometimes? Yes, of course.

Do they care? Yes, probably.

Do they care enough to say/do something at the moment? Outwardly, probably not, for a variety of reasons... I mean, not everyone is always up for a big dramatic confrontation, which could, for example, potentially leave them with their wife/GF pissed at them for the next few hours/days/weeks -- or even end up in jail or in the hospital. But inside, their blood may very well be boiling. (And yes, believe it or not, sometimes they *do* actually show their disapproval in some sort of way.)


These people of "hatred" do exist. Actual, living, breathing fellow humans, who we all share this earth with. They will always exist, as some swath of the population, varying over time in terms of percentages & intensity. Not everyone will like you, whatever the reason may be. That is life -- get used to it. You cannot force somebody to like you... Just as somebody cannot force *you* to like them.

How would you like it if someone who whole-heartedly believes in only 2 separate genders (at any & all levels, and which is certainly their right) insists that you have to like it & like them, and to accept it & live your life accordingly? And if you don't agree with them? Then *you're* the "hater." :thinking:



Ah, yes... As someone else mentioned: Diversity. That buzz-word mantra.

In the real world, diversity is not one's "approved" version of such. It simply doesn't work that way.

Just as you expect others to accept you, you also need to accept *them* for who they are. And that is true diversity -- inclusion of *all* types of people, beliefs, cultures, religions, etc. Otherwise, one is just acting like a fascist hypocrite. :)


Anyway, no, I'm not saying to give up CD'ing (as if that were entirely possible in the first place :heehee: ), or to hide behind closed doors & curtains for the rest of your life. And I'm not saying that you shouldn't "fight" for your beliefs sometimes.

But one needs to be cognizant of the fact that not everyone is like you, that not everyone will like you, and that you won't be able to change everyone's mind on something like this.

Certainly not a defeatist attitude or anything. Just that it's a *realistic* one.


As others have mentioned, gotta pick your battles -- or at least take them on tactfully & strategically, in hopes of preservation so you can fight another day. That, and not everyone has to know the whole entire story, 24/7/365.

Besides, nothing wrong with having friends who might not agree with you 100% on everything.


P.S. This post is not directed towards anyone here in particular. It's just a general rant. :o

[Rogina B]

In the OP's post,it was made clear that the "friend" did not approve of "alphabet kids" in the military as well as the VA spending on Trans care for Vets. That is plain wrong ! Telling this person why they are on the wrong side of the issue is the right thing to do. There is such thing as replacing the term "friend" for "someone I know" after you realize they "will never get it and don't care to". The OP does not have a true friend in this person because she will or may never be accepted for what she may be.

[Sarasometimes]

First of all thank you for helping to protect and defend our great land and by having done so, you are clearly not a coward! You aired your opinion with him and as you stated he is old school so I doubt you could have swayed him if you persisted. It is not your obligation to reveal your details due to someone else's behavior. If and when you feel the time is right, you can reveal more about yourself to those you feel the need to tell.
I have many associates that are as bigoted as the best of them and they have no idea about this side of me and frankly, I feel no need or motivation to tell them. As someone once said, you can't fix stupid (IMHO that is what bigotry is along with a large dose of ignorance).

[IleneD]

THIS IS WHY I RETURN TO THIS FORUM.
You girls, you Members are amazing people. I wish I had time and space to personally reply to each one of you by name on this thread. Every response had a worthwhile answer. Many were wise and thoughtful. Your shared experiences on this matter are quite valuable to me, and helps shape my thinking for the future. I took away something from every response, even those ones that appeared to contradict each other. This is what I come this website for.

The advice was fairly uniform. Members said it was wise to walk away and not make a scene before my friend. Thank you. It probably saved me a long friendship. At least I will KNOW for the future where he stands on such issues and take it into account.

I don't see this guy very often; maybe every 2-3 months or irregularly. The next time I see him I will gently approach this again; perhaps appeal to his intelligence and intellect (that I know he has.) Your advice, again, is helping me formulate a polite and reasoned approach to engage the discussion.

And yes, a few of you emboldened me to stand taller for TG rights and issues in the future. It's so easy to be quiet and say nothing in the face of ignorance or challenge. I'm quite impressed at the high visibility TG's who have literally thrown themselves at the mercy of the mob; Jenner, Kris Beck, etc. And those of you who have transitioned and had war stories to tell, I applaud your courage as well. I want to be more "visible". I want to be a little more outspoken and REAL. It's wise to pick one's fights (yes), but I want to just be Me without shame.

And last but not least, you very fine girls of the forum reminded me that it is INDEED a cold cruel world out there for queer men like me; crossdressers, transgenders, .... most of the LGBT spectrum. As good as I feel about it and myself; as well publicized the equal rights movements, and as widely as "acceptance" has appeared to gain acceptance ..... it is still The World, owned, operated and populated by the normals. Even friends or family can turn unthoughtfully cruel on a topic so humanly intimate. THANKS FOR THE REMINDER to keep my eyes open, ears hearing, maintain situational awareness and expose myself to fire as little as possible.

Once again, I thank you all. You have my deepest respects. You are beautiful, wonderful women in your own right. Makes me proud to me a member of this board.

[GretchenM]

Well and beautifully stated. I think I might print that out, frame it, and hang it on the wall.

[Pumped]

I won't out myself, but I will make a stand for the "cause" whether it is crossdressing or LGBT. I let negative people know that I support them and don't look to me to get on thier anti band wagon.

For the crazy macho guys it is not worth the battle. State you case, don't out yourself, and walk away.

[BrendaPDX]

I can't say I would have done differently, you can't be Superman all the time. The fact that you realize how you wanted to act means you are on the right path. I have heard a term "Not the hill I wanted to die on today". Don't be so hard on yourself. Take care, Brenda

[Sallee]

You no doubt handled it correctly, then just write him off. The other option would have been to let him rant and then tell him calmly you're transgendered then produce a picture

[IleneD]

Pumped;
Appreciate your reasoned response. Don't out yourself but it's still possible to take a stand for what's right.
So correct. Lord, let me find that ideal middle way.

[giuseppina]

Sometimes, the best response is no response at all. One has to choose which battles to fight, and part of the equation is personal safety.

[lingerieLiz]

There are those who will never change their views. I saw it in the south during desegregation. While many realized change needed to happen some refused to accept any of it. They simply dug a hole to crawl into. Refused to go anywhere that segregation was not enforced. Wouldn't go to movies because of mixed audiences. Ended up living a hateful life and dying remembered as a terrible person.

You can only educate someone who is interested in learning.