Why is a picture so painful?

[Brooke B]

So if you have followed me you'll know I have been going to therapy. She has encouraged me to express myself whenever I felt the need to. So at last night's meeting I did. She embraced it with me and I felt on cloud nine. She stressed the importance of taking the time to digest my feelings. So after I had left I stopped at my favorite store. It was great to be there dressed and the SA was so comforting and accepting. I snapped a picture in the dressing room.
This morning I developed some of my favorites. I picked my favorite one and really studied it. I don't know why but it hurts soo bad to look at it. I love the way I look. But it hurts so bad I've been crying all day. And not little tears. I'm talking little girl hurricane tears. I have to get myself together before I go to work tomorrow.

[Leslie Mary S]

Your worse and best critique is yourself. No photo showing yet.

[Teresa]

Tammy,
The power of pictures they really do help us through the in between situation. We want to dress more and be accepted and the only way sometimes are those pictures that many of us initially hide away and then realise how useful they can be .

There are two pictures that hit me as you relate to , the first was the avatar I started using first on the forum , that was the first time it all came together for me. The second was the night I wore my Union Jack dress to the Halloween party. A kind SA took it from the M&Co stand , she showed it me and then Helena , somehow she caught me in a different way and for a moment I was speechless, I turned to Helena and almost whispered that's not me !

[Rachael Leigh]

Tammy I understand, because there comes a point where we just can't hide anymore we have to be true and I know so many don't get that but emotion like yours is real. We must love ourselves, not in a selfish way but in a heathy way.
I hope you continue to be you and pray you find what you need
Rachael

[Micki_Finn]

I’m not sure where the “hurt” is coming from. You say you love the way you look so are you just sad that you can’t be that way all the time?

[Brooke B]

Yes Micki. That is why it hurts so much. I've accepted that I was a cross dresser a long time ago. This feeling is over coming everything lately. I wish I could be me more. It's sounds so selfish though. My whole life I've been trying to do " the right thing". I put everybody else before me. I come from a super conservative family. My friends and co-workers are super conservative. I have a good life. A wife, a child, a home, a job that compensates my family well. I don't want to throw that away. But this side of my life is growing out of control and would never be accepted. I know it's the same old story that gets said all the time but I have to vent.

[AllieSF]

Come on Micki, tears of happiness because we see that we can look like that mixed with tears of frustration that one can't look like that more often, tears for fear (wow, that rhymes!) wondering where this trip may take you and if someone may find out, and so on. All understandable and felt by many over their self acceptance process.

[Micki_Finn]

I understand the many reasons a person may cry Allie, but Tammy specifically cited “hurt” and since she didn’t specify the source of that hurt.

Tammy, sounds like you’ve moved past crossdressing and have encroached on Transgender territory. May be time to talk to a gender therapist.

[Pat]

I think of it as "the mirror moment." That moment when you suddenly realize you truly do exist. For me the tears were because up until that moment I never knew. I mean, in retrospect, I knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what it was. And in that moment, it all dropped into place and I cried -- probably more from happiness of finally understanding why I had been so miserable for so many decades than from anything else. Just knowing gave me strength to go on. And over time I found a solution that worked for me. Now that you recognize the problem, do you really think you won't be able to figure out a solution for yourself that doesn't involve throwing it all away?

[Tracii G]

I agree with Pat where there is a will there is a way to make it work.
Don't worry about conservative this or that that means nothing really its just an excuse you have used to block your feelings.
I'm a conservative yet I am TG and gay it has not caused me any issues because I am still me.
I don't base my friends on if they are liberal or conservative I have plenty of both and I love all of them the same.
If your family truly love you they will understand in time because you are still the same person internally.

[Lydianne]

I'm going to hesitate to say it's comforting to see that others feel similarly because it's a terrible feeling. But I know something similar to what you feel, and i've discussed this with others who feel it as well.

Mine isn't so much picture-driven as knowledge-driven. There are days when it hurts that I'm male, it takes a monumental effort just to step out of the house ( in male mode ), and the thoughts are all-consuming all day. I'm not going to say I'm anything more than a CDer because it doesn't happen every day. I know I couldn't live with that feeling daily.

It did drive me to a pretty dark place a few years ago ( also post self-acceptance ). I recovered back from it because I couldn't make the preparations quickly enough and I regathered myself before doing anything stupid. ( Well, others would call it stupid. I still view it as a legitimate option for my specific situation if I ever find myself back there again ).

I understand the family thing, too.

All I can do is wish you either plenty of strength, or a possibility for you to express your true self more.

- Lydianne.

[Brooke B]

So I've been on an emotional rollercoaster today. I couldn't take it anymore and finally threw my hands in the air. The hell with it I said I'm telling my parents. I had lead the conversation on with my mom but never told her why just wanted to talk. So tonight I called her and told her to bring dad. We went for a drive and I spilled the beans of what has been going on. Dad was quiet but said he still cared about me. Mom was way more supportive than I thought she would. It feels good to have gotten this off my mind to them. I guess we'll see how it unfolds going forward. Thanks to all you here. I never thought in a million years I would have told them about this.

[docrobbysherry]

Maybe that's why they say, "A picture is worth a 1000 words?":straightface:

[Teresa]

Tammy,
So how do yo feel now, do you feel like a huge weight lifted off your shoulders or he guilt of not being able to contain it and putting a burden on someone else ?

I guess now you've told them you will have to get things clear in your own mind before the dust settles and they start wanting more answers. Maybe now is the time to go for counselling to try and decide what you want. The good point is your wife is not alone with this anymore she has someone to balance her thoughts . She may better for this telling people will now become easier she may open up more to her own friends .
I personally believe you did the right thing , that pressure cooker was going to burst at some point !

[Brooke B]

It feels so freeing right now. I slept the best I ever had last night. I asked mom to see how dad was going to take it as he was quiet. See said she would keep me posted. I do have to figure this out for myself to see if it is more than just cross dressing.I also have to figure out if I'm good with them knowing or if more should know.

[taruhhhh]

im so proud of you! i also came out to my mom this week after being scared about doing it for i dont even know how long. we’re in the same boat gurl :)

[Pat]

Nice job, Tammy and Taruhhh! Getting the secret out is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. It's one thing to know, but it's another to speak the words aloud to another human being. It's kinda sad that it takes a lot of bravery to do it, but those are just the times we live in. Congratulations to you both!

[Bella.CD]

You have the greatest courage, may not make sense now, but your courage is up to meeting your challenges. Your courage will prevail!

[SherriePall]

I know that it hurts to see a photo of yourself, especially when you look really fine because that is really you although you might be en drab at the moment. It hurts because that is not you at the moment. It's you as you feel it should be more often (or all the time).
And then we cry.

[Lydianne]

Excellent, Tammy, that your coming out went well! You deserve the relief that accompanies it. I hope it will lead to you feeling able to present yourself in ways that you are more comfortable with. Then your pictures will bring you only joy :).

Congratulations! :thumbsup:.

- Lydianne.

[Lana Mae]

Congrats on coming out to Tammy and Taruhhh! Hoping this has made you both feel better about yourselves! Hugs Lana Mae