What is wrong with being yourself?

[mikayla1964]

I know this has been said before. But i just don't get it. What's the big deal with women and crossdressing. If your straight your straight. The clothes don't Define the person its the heart that does. let me ask a question. When not dressed are we not men? And most just from my perspective aren't we manly men when in drab? Arent we still loving and caring providers? Every time i meet a woman and she finds out about Mikayla poof they are gone faster than the wind. Maybe I'm looking at this wrong but i can't lie to anyone and when confronted and pout on the spot i have have to answer honestly. For missy of us its only a small part of our lives. maybe it's not the normal but who can say what is normal. Don't get me wrong i love women and their clothes. And for me I'm comfortable in them and with myself. But more importantly when I'm really stressed i can pout on a dress or what ever and im totally relaxed and the stress is gone. I'm sorry for venting but it just gets to me. I habe even talked to a psychiatrists about and she said that their is nothing wrong with it and it is better for me than any med she could give me for stress. It doesn't harm anytime or myself. Dio why can't women accept us for us not pour clothes. Again I'm sorry.


Mikayla

[Lydianne]

Mikayla,

Venting is healthy. It's fine :).

It's frustrating not only for CDing, but people judge on appearance :strugglin.

It's . . . life :straightface:.

- Lydianne.

[taruhhhh]

humans are social animals, much of our interactions are focused on WHAT we are rather than WHO, most people dont have time for details so they just draw conclusions to save time, i find you have to warm people up into talking about more complex matters of any kind.

[Lydianne]

Yep, I get this^ in a slightly different context. There is the initial reaction, and then an adjustment when the interaction starts.

For those of you with bottom-up post sorting ( which includes myself, ironically ), the "this" refers to taruhhhh's comment, heh.

Mikayla, you probably just need to keep searching. We know that CD-supportive women exist, but they are very rare. Therefore, the search should be expected to be a long one. But my personal opinion is that I think you are doing the correct thing with early disclosure.. but protect yourself, too.

We could force acceptance by going out there en masse, but when we do that, we get the acceptance-because-otherwise-I'll-get-into-trouble, and people get increasingly PO'd until it reaches a critical mass. Then we need to be prepared for a certain type of guy to get voted into office.

Life :straightface:.

- Lydianne.

[Micki_Finn]

Many women are fine with crossdressers, they just don’t want to date them. Everyone is allowed to be attracted to different things. There are women out there that you are not attracted to, but nobody is berating you because you don’t like morbidly obese women, or really underweight women, or women with facial hair, or women with different political views or whatever. You demanding that women be accepting of crossdressing in a relationship is just as bad as a woman demanding a man that doesn’t.

[DIANEF]

My wife often tells me of the 'trannies' that come in to her store where she works. She has absolutely no problem serving them and engaging in conversation, but said she would 'kill' me if she found out I was one of 'them'.

[NancySue]

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what I wear...neither does my wife. They’re just clothes, she says. The public, at least around here, do not agree and aren’t ready for us. Several years ago, I dressed for Halloween. With my wife’s help, which is always fun 👗💄👠 , I looked good. In fact, at first, some didn’t know who I was. But, later, there were some snide comments, “you looked like you were enjoying yourself too much (I was, dumb***!) I know a good shrink, etc. interesting, several wives were totally fascinated with my makeup and walking in heels (I couldn’t wait to take them off. My wife said “see”) one wife noticed I’d shaved my legs and asked me if I was wearing pantyhose. I told her..no...thigh highs. She smiled and said so did she. She asked me what brand I wore. Hanes Silk Reflections. She wore Berkshires. I really enjoyed our conversation, however, I’m convinced she knew this was more than Halloween, but never has said anything. Some time later, we bumped into each other, she smiled and winked...I smiled and winked back.

[Tracii G]

You just have to live your life and not let all the little stuff get in the way.
Sure you can wonder why people do things or what they can and will not accept but you have no control over that so don't worry so much about it.
Be true to yourself be honest and the right people will find you and become friends. It happened that way with me anyway.
Some people will always be hateful and mean towards you no matter how you are dressed (man /woman) that is a constant and just human nature.
Then toss in the old cognitive dissonance problem that is so prevalent these days into the mix of things you have to deal with.
Be true to yourself and the heck with trying to hide who you are.
When you are the guy or the girl that day be your same old self.

[Fiona123]

Mikayla: good post! There is nothing wrong with being yourself. Authenticity is very important.

[StephanieM]

Nothing is wrong with being yourself. However some people can't handle it, and we either can cave to the pressure of society or say the heck with it I'm going to live my life the way I want.

[Rayleen]

Everyday, we associate with both gender in our lives, me I am the same with my frame of mind and chat with people that are on the same wave of thinking as me.

There will always be people that will not be that you are not in the same way of thinking, just ignore and move on.

I almost always get along and find more friend with the opposite sex.

I find like some said, we are all human and clothe don't dictate our personality.

[Sallee]

I understand where ciswomen are coming from. They want a man nota man who may transition or spent all their time in girl mode.Now if you can convince them that cding is only a small part 10-20% maybe they will stay around but it is hard to convince them of that. Intellectually they can deal with but on a personal level it is a little tougher

[docrobbysherry]

Most women r justifiably afraid of "weirdos". Especially in the men they'll date. However, once women get to know and trust u? They not only may allow your "eccentricities", they may enjoy participating in them!

Most women don't know that CD's aren't weirdos. Any more than other men r. Unless they have a friend or co worker that's one, how would they?

[Sara Jessica]

Many women are fine with crossdressers, they just don’t want to date them....

Where is a "like" button around here?!?! This is the essence of the whole thing. Attraction is what it is and most women have little or no attraction in their Prince Charming dressing like Princess Charming. I would never fault any natal female for not being attracted to how we might prefer to present, especially my bride.

[Pat]

There's nothing wrong with being yourself. And there's nothing wrong with women being themselves. Some like crossdressers (we have testimonial evidence in this forum) and some do not and some don't know either way yet. But crossdressing doesn't hold a lock on this -- some women like motorcycle riders and some don't. Some like tattooed folks and some don't. Pretty much anything you can be, someone will like it and someone else won't. Even women don't hold a lock on this -- there may well be women who would like you, whom you wouldn't like because of some reason that's not their fault. Nothing wrong with anybody. So stay honest. Keep looking.

As to "When not dressed are we not men?" -- again, some of us are and some of us aren't. I'm not. ;)

[lingerieLiz]

When I was young and single I did run into a few girls that were not bothered by my CDing. I am sure that one of them would have been more than happy with my CDing. She and I would double date with two guys that liked each other. I always assumed she was bi. Never asked her. The guys would sit up front and we would sit in the back seat. It was great sliding our hands along each others hose as we cruised the hangouts. Gave great cover for the guys.

[Brie84]

There's nothing wrong at all with being yourself. In the end you have to do what you have to do make yourself happy. The thing is that you can't expect everyone (especially a potential gf or wife) to just accept and go along with it. And more than likely you will find women that can't accept the dressing. We wish there were more that would but in reality, the one mate you find that will fully accept it is few and far between. With the women I have been involved with, I never dressed in front of them and I could tell based on side comments they would not have been accepting at all if I decided to dress while in that relationship. I would have loved for it to be different, but I couldn't be mad at them for thinking the way they did.

I feel like most women would want their man to be fully a man and crossdressing adds a wrinkle to the relationship/marriage that may strain it. It may be just clothes but when dressed you present yourself as a package that is the opposite of what most women wants. And with that feminine image in their mind, they may not see you in the same light. And it brings up a lot more questions and scenarios in their mind.

In most scenarios, I think if a man is getting ready to go out with his woman on a fancy date night out on the town, she is going to want to see him dressed sharp in a nice suit. She wouldn't want her man standing next to her in their bathroom getting ready by styling his wig, applying makeup and wearing a dress as short (or long) as hers. I could see how off putting it would be to many ladies.

Now it would be nice if we could wear what we want, look how we want and there would be no problems, but that's not reality. In the end, we have to accept that not everyone is going to be fully accepting and that's ultimately their perogative and that's OK.

[Kayliedaskope]

If you aren't being yourself, then who are you being?

[Patrica Gil]

Be yourself, you are who you are. Many women have run away from me, and really doesn't matter. Those who ran have issues of their own. They just don't know it. You'll find you like yourself more for being honest. Then one day a special one will not run away. She'll show up at your door with a new pair of nylons in her hand, and they are not for her. Then your next post will be how she enjoys watching you put on your pantyhose, and step into your heels.

[ellbee]

On some levels, I don't necessarily blame some GG's for this. It is their right, after all. I suppose they have their reasons, however valid/foolish they may be? :strugglin



At the same time, I don't believe some of them realize/appreciate the *advantages* of having a CD'er as an SO...

If you poke around the internet, you'll see quite a few GG's saying something like, "No way! I don't want him wearing & stretching out my clothes!" :brolleyes:

First of all, if the guy is dressing, odds are, he already has his own. ;)

But then sometimes a GG will pipe in, and say something like, "Hey, wait a sec- If he's got some nice things, and we're more or less the same size? I could instantly double my wardrobe! :yippee: "


If a GG-SO didn't want me wearing her stuff? I could respect that, no qualms here. But if she wanted to wear some of mine? More than welcome to it, sister. Just don't ruin/stretch out *my* stuff -- or you'll be buying me an equivalent replacement (and something new for yourself, as well). :tongueout

But honestly, I'd be honored & thrilled if she wanted to swipe some of my things. Means I'm probably doing something right, eh?


Another thing is, hey, as a CD'er, I sorta get where GG's are coming from in a number of areas. For example, I understand that for quite a few GG's, "being a girl" can get a little expensive. Clothes, shoes, make-up, skincare, salon visits & spa treatments, etc. Some non-CD'ing males might be like, "Why are you spending all this money on this crap? You don't need that!" and it ends up turning into some larger-scale, heated argument over financial matters.

Me? I get it. Splurge a little. Go for it. You probably won't be hearing many complaints from me. Why? Because I already personally know what it's like. Heck, I'd probably encourage it, and if she wants, even help her picking out things -- or at the very least, be that much more open & receptive to it.


Another, is the time it can take for a GG to "get ready." Again, *totally* understood. Yeah, it can suck if you end up running late. But you know, things take time & patience. And the end-result can be awesome & well worth it. Furthermore, I believe a CD'er would be that much more appreciative of her & what it took to get there, and why it's important to her. Because we already know!


Perhaps some little, "superficial" things, sure. But if you scratch past the surface, it does go deeper than that. For example, the expense thing I mentioned. Again, something like that *could* potentially lead to a big argument with the larger-picture financial matters, putting a nice ongoing, permanent wedge between a GG & her non-CD'ing SO. Do they *really* want that kind of a relationship & life? Or would a more understanding & respectful CD'er, who she foolishly passed up, have been the better bet, after all? Hmm... :thinking:


Yes, many of us here have are probably a bit more in tune, generally speaking, than the average non-CD'ing male, when it comes to the feminine side of things.

If her feet hurt from wearing heels all night, believe me, I get it. I'll be more than happy to give you a soothing foot-rub when we get home. :)

She's shivering from the cold, even if I'm not? Hey, I've worn thinner, skimpy outfits before. I get it. Yep, I'll suffer a bit... Turning up the heat for her.


Furthermore, I've been out & about all dolled-up. And not for nothing, but I was pretty good-looking & somewhat passable, back in the day. I know what it's like. All these male strangers will be checking you out, wanting to get in your panties. On some levels, it's pretty darn annoying/scary/intimidating. Having some trusted male "protection" by your side can be important. A non-CD'ing male might think she's just being silly or something, blowing things out of proportion -- if he is even aware, in the first place. But someone who's been in her shoes before? Yeah, he gets it... and will understand & act accordingly, making her feel comfortable & safe.


I could keep going on & on, but these are just a few things off the top of my head.

I believe many GG's who automatically say "NO WAY!" to some hypothetical CD'er -- or even someone they only kinda-sorta know -- aren't giving full & thorough consideration. They are instead focusing on too much of the negatives.

Yeah, I understand: They may assume the guy may be secretly gay or bi, since that's a fairly common misconception. Or have the fear that he may end up transitioning someday. Certainly some legitimate concerns. Or, it can simply be "embarrassing" for the GG, to be known as the SO of a guy in a dress & perhaps be seen with him... But honestly, some CD'ers can look pretty darn good/legit. How would that be embarrassing, again? :strugglin (But in that case, suddenly he would look *too* good. Can't win, LOL!)



Honestly, it's simply a whole new dynamic to a person, and to a relationship. Some can handle it, while some can't. But if the guy is really into her, and she is really into him? What difference does it make? Because she learns that he likes to dress, all of a sudden it's a deal-breaker? Huh??

Does it take more of an open mind, on her part? Absolutely. Though at the same time, does a guy really want a GG-SO who's pretty closed-minded, in general, afraid to step outside her comfort zone & expand her universe a little? :strugglin


Finally, I will say that frequency & degree can play a role. That, I can see. If a CD'er wants/needs to get all dolled-up, all day, every day, head out & about in public every waking moment, taking on a whole female voice & persona, basically living life presenting as a woman all the time, obsessed with all things-female, etc... Well, she may have a case, IMO.

But if it's in moderation? Is it really so bad?

Remember, there can be quite a few positive advantages to this, as well, much to your pleasant surprise. GG's, don't immediately write him off -- because you could be making a really big mistake. :)

[sometimes_miss]

Always be yourself. Unless you're a jerk. Then, you should work hard to be someone else.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Mikayla:hugs:, There as many answers as there are wives out there.>Orchid...:daydreaming:...

[Teresa]

Mikayla,
Just a couple of points , you say the clothes don't define the person, to me they are the outer sign of how I feel inside, even in drab I don't feel I'm all male otherwise why would I want to dress in female clothes. Being a manly man to some of us is the charade that we put on to please our family and society . What is normal to a CDer ? Some women actually do enjoy a CDing partner as I've found from my social group . I've also learned very quickly that once you do go out you have be yourself otherwise you will be too stressed to meet the public , be honest and open and be yourself , most people are OK with that . I've found women very accepting, I usually find they give you a knowing smile, the men often won't make eye contact for several obvious reasons !

[Nikki A.]

We are not like other men and some women may accept us and others won't. Of course, a woman may fear that we will go further than just dressing at times and they may not be comfortable with it or want to be seen as a lesbian.

[JaymeCD]

Yes I wish my significant other would understand me. She pretty much let me do "what made me happy" for a while. We had a child together and she is growing up quick. She is 3 now and all of a sudden it's a problem. She said she is going to be picked on in school because daddy likes to wear women's clothes at home. She doesn't get that there is no norm anymore. Times are changing especially with sexuality acceptance which no one understands has no correlation with clothing. Within the next 10 years or so I'm going to say clothing will be unisex or not labeled and no one will care what anyone is wearing. I've tried to explain to her that yes I do wear things because they are comfortable. But on top of that it is comforting to me. I tried to explain it to her like a coffee fix. I asked her how she feels when she wakes up. She replies and I ask her how she feels after drinking coffee. I tell her it's the same thing. That fem feeling is my fix.

[Teresa]

JaymeCD,
The difference is she can stop drinking coffee but you can't stop dressing . I usually say now when the question arises that i was born like it and there's nothing I can do to change it. Times are changing , here in the UK the government is determined to push through reforms to help our community . In the next national census in 2021 there will be more questions aimed at our sector to try assess the numbers , that is going to be interesting in some households where there is a DADT situation , raising the question who do you lie to your wife or the government . A false declaration is a criminal offence .

[Kas]

JaymeCD,
The difference is she can stop drinking coffee but you can't stop dressing . I usually say now when the question arises that i was born like it and there's nothing I can do to change it. Times are changing , here in the UK the government is determined to push through reforms to help our community . In the next national census in 2021 there will be more questions aimed at our sector to try assess the numbers , that is going to be interesting in some households where there is a DADT situation , raising the question who do you lie to your wife or the government . A false declaration is a criminal offence .

I doubt you're going to get thrown in jail for lying about whether you cross dress or not... Though still a very interesting point.

[Alice Torn]

Every woman except my therapist has been turned off bigtime when i revealed i CD. Sometimes Miss is right, about if we are jerks, we better be a different self! LOL I know that all women who are religious are against it too. And i just recently came out to along time GG friend, and showed her photos. She is not impressed, and refused to comment/ I think some women say they are ok with it, BUT NOT IF IT IS THEIR MAN!

[Becky Blue]

Mikayla, so sorry to hear about your frustrations, not for one moment am i suggesting you hide anything, but perhaps you are telling the women you meet too soon. By telling them before they get to know you, perhaps it is easier for them to move on. One can understand a woman thinking 'he is a nice guy but do i really need the extra complication?' Perhaps once they got to know you better before your both in too deep is the time to tell...

[DIANEF]

A very long time ago my local newspaper used to run a 'Lonely Hearts' section which, when I was at a low ebb, I used to peruse. There were sections for Males seeking females, and vice versa, Gay, Lesbian, and for a while 'just friends'. In that section there were often adds for 'Crossdresser seeks understanding female' (usually emphasizing 'not gay'). I often wondered how many of those adds received replies.

[Nicole Erin]

Who the hell cares what "society" thinks anyways.
A better solution would be to be your OWN G/F. Just think, no rejection of intimacy based on ailments. No having to remember stupid "special" days.
I know what one is thinking - "Yeah but there are certain things one just cannot do for themselves". This is true. HOWEVER, dating yourself is a small percent of the satisfaction of dating but with ZERO percent of the B.S.


Most women r justifiably afraid of "weirdos". Especially in the men they'll date. However, once women get to know and trust u? They not only may allow your "eccentricities", they may enjoy participating in them!

This explains why some really pretty women date the nastiest ogres that were belched from the worst part of the ghetto. As far as participation - such women who date said ogres will proudly parade their new lover around town like it is some kind of accomplishment that he said "yes".


Many women are fine with crossdressers, they just don’t want to date them. Everyone is allowed to be attracted to different things. There are women out there that you are not attracted to, but nobody is berating you because you don’t like morbidly obese women, or really underweight women, or women with facial hair, or women with different political views or whatever. You demanding that women be accepting of crossdressing in a relationship is just as bad as a woman demanding a man that doesn’t.

Women are allowed to have standards but they do not particularly like it when men have standards.

[suzanne]

I love myself now, and my wife of 35 years loves me and is rapidly warming to my clothing choices, but it wasn't always so. We grew up in the 60's and 70's when there was only one way to be a man or woman, and no variations were permitted. Any male not conforming to the standard model received the three letter F word, regardless of all the variations we accept now, and was subject to shunning, verbal abuse, physical abuse, even death. And females accepted this standard of masculinity, not knowing alternative models were valid. My wife was no exception. She now admits she once thought it would have been better to see me dead than in a dress. (Thank God its not so true now.)

Given this background, why would it be surprising that the non binary people of my generation are slow to come out?OMG, Kevin Spacey just came out as gay this week, despite the stigma having been removed long ago. So getting out into the world of free self expression is an arduous, multi phase process. We must first accept ourselves, then in no strict order, that of our spouses, then that of the world around us, all of which have been steeped in the toxic masculine myth. True, we often find the obstacles are built up in our minds, out of proportion to reality, but some resistances still remain real and very damaging.

I try to be understanding of any of us who struggle to free themselves and be happy for their victories, large or small. Including the older man I once saw in a dress shop, looking at bras "for my wife". We'll all reach freedom as long as we keep pushing ahead. And as we do, others like us but deeply closeted may see us and believe it's possible for them too.

[Vickie_CDTV]

Women are allowed to have standards but they do not particularly like it when men have standards.

Excellent point!

Let a guy say he wants a woman who only wears skirts and dresses and he is decried as a sexist pig. Let a woman say she needs a "real man" who is traditionally masculine and it is just her preference.

[GretchenM]

Awhile back my wife asked me why I couldn't just be myself? In other words, her concept is that the feminine/female side is, well, fake news. I told her that maybe I am being myself and that the old days when I was totally closeted was not being myself. In other words, if you have a total or a partial mixed gender identity living that is being yourself. The problem is that what is meant when that is asked in my own case (DADT and "not in front of me" policy of my wife) is "being myself means complying with the expectations for males set by society." But, I am mildly trans and that has been established from many angles, so being myself means expressing that when necessary. So, my answer is, "I am being myself. It is just that the image of who "myself" is has changed over the years." My wife is not the person she was 48 years ago and so I could ask the same question of her. I would not want her to go back to when she was 22, but it is a valid point regarding what actually constitutes ourselves. So, it sometimes comes down to a battle between the individual's definition of "myself" and the social definition of "myself" which is based on social expectations for the most part. But that is why, in this country, we have a First Amendment. It doesn't open the door to a complete free-for-all because expression does come with responsibility as well. So, be yourself as true and responsibly as you can, and if someone else doesn't like it then perhaps you need some adjustments or they need to get a life. The First Amendment provides us with that right.