Need some advice

[melinda45]

I have a FTM step son who's dad died 2 years ago. I will call her Matt to make it easier. Matt has been on hormones for a yearand just had chest reduction surgery. Matt is 20 . We as a family live in different homes for now for various reasons. I am at a delema to tell Matt about me cross dressing. I think at this time Matt needs a dad and the cross dressing might just mess stuff up . In my heart I want to be honest. But to be real and a good dad and male role model I think I should just keep the cross dressing to myself . You alls input would be appreciated. Thank you so much.

[Samm]

Sounds like you've answered your own question. Are the two of you close?

[Charlotte7]

Sounds like you're well on the way to having this sorted. Your dressing can come later. Now is the time to think of Matt and his needs.

[melinda45]

Yes we are close . In one way I think it might help to tell Matt on the other hand not so much . You right that it's really time to man up I think . Thank you both

[AllieSF]

He is 20 years old (almost a legal adult), knows you and,I assume, likes and respects you. You are now the official step Dad with the death of his birth Father. At his age and in today's world, I would say honesty is the best policy, including being true to yourself, especially since he is transitioning FtM. That in itself may bring you closer to him in ways that may be difficult to see or quantify. Yes, there is risk involved, but it may be well worth it. I assume that his Mom, your wife, knows about you. Talk it over with her and then make your decision. Each situation is unique, as similar as they may seem. Whatever decision you make I will respect it and I do wish you the best of luck.

[docrobbysherry]

Unless you're planning on coming out, how would telling him help him?:straightface:

I believe closet dressers should only tell people that NEED TO KNOW!:)

[melinda45]

Thank you for your thoughts

[Majella St Gerard]

excuses, excuses, excuses just tell him.

[karenph]

I have a FTM step son who's dad died 2 years ago. I will call her Matt to make it easier. Matt has been on hormones for a yearand just had chest reduction surgery. Matt is 20 . We as a family live in different homes for now for various reasons. I am at a delema to tell Matt about me cross dressing. I think at this time Matt needs a dad and the cross dressing might just mess stuff up . In my heart I want to be honest. But to be real and a good dad and male role model I think I should just keep the cross dressing to myself . You alls input would be appreciated. Thank you so much.

Why are you getting hung up on a stereo type? You know what it is to be a man and be different with your cross dressing. If you choose to tell Matt then you are demonstrating to Matt that you can relate to his challenges/struggles on many levels. The issue is with your insecurity to disclose (I do not mean that in a negative/critical way -- we all have our insecurities). The key is your relationship with Matt.

[Tracii G]

I assume you are not suffering with gender dysphoria and that you just like the clothes.
How complete a dresser are you? Are you just a fetish dresser or something more?
It all depends on at what level do you dress.
Now You can tell Matt you are on his side all the way and be supportive.
His Dad just died 2 years ago so its not like he never had a father figure and you will never be his Dad (you know what I mean real Dad).
Best you can do is be his male step Dad and do guy stuff with him and treat him as a young adult and guide him in the right direction and teach him how to be a man.
He may be strong enough to take you telling him about yourself and only you would know that so I wouldn't rule out that option too.
Does your wife know about you?

[NicoleScott]

Agree with Karen. You can be a good man, husband, dad, AND a crossdresser.

[Pat]

I don't know your personal situation nor Matt's, but Matt is 20, right? Assuming your relationship is otherwise healthy, I'd think he can handle it. And it might be good for him to see that you're a complex person, not a cookie-cutter Dad. (I was going to say "not a TV Dad," but I guess that would be an unfortunate phrase in this context. ;) ) But again, only you know the situation.

[IleneD]

Melinda,

One of the veritable lessons of my life as I struggled amidst denial and society with my own sexual/ gender orientation; and the benefit of living over 6 decades, is that Men come in all shapes, sizes and types. They are all men in the end, of some sort, but men nonetheless. Big men, small men, weak men, men of different colors, creeds; gay men, straight men, TG men and crossdressing men. Still all men. I'd dare say (and sorry to speak for you, girls) those with strong TG dispositions and fully identify as MtF transgenders comprehend that a small part of them is "male", and thus the source of frustration.
Explain to Matt the kind of man (and woman) you are. Certainly don't hide it if asked, nor dodge the question if it comes up. Dads come in all shapes, sizes and types too; just like Men.
Your call. Do the right thing so long as it's done with love.

[Teresa]

Melinda,
Coming out to Matt might help , people in transition can feel isolated finding, out you're a M/F CDer may give him a closer bond and feel there is more understanding .

[Rachelakld]

My step daughters know I cross dress often, they have seen me dressed at least weekly, help me chose female clothes and help with make up.

But they have seen me be more manly (fixing cars, building houses, chopping wood, watching cowboy movies, enjoying paintball, skiing, parachuting, sailing, flying aircraft), more often, than any of their male friends.

Personally for me, rather than tell him - ask him if it's alright if you wear more feminine clothing when relaxing at home (that's how I got to wear lycra tights and pretty shoe string sports tops at my dads)

[Laura912]

While reading this thread, I found two paths...tell him or not. However, the best suggestion seems to be discuss it with his mother, your wife. Of course, this is only helpful if she knows. If she does not, and you tell your son, will he tell his mother? To borrow from Orchid, once you ring the bell, you can't unring it. Does your son appear to need the information to bring you two closer? Who will be helped the most by telling your son of your situation? Not something to rush into and it appears that you are not rushing but gathering information. It would be interesting to learn your decisions and the results. Best to you.

[melinda45]

Thank you all again . Yes my wife knows all about me . I have no plans to transition. But would like to get out crossdressed . But right now it's all about Matt . If it would help or hurt him . Thank you so much for you'll input

[GretchenM]

A year into transition is not very long. Good idea to keep things as stable as possible for Matt. Your dressing and its revelation to Matt could really mess things up in the transition which is a huge struggle in its own right. Matt just had top surgery and although that may be a big relief to get rid of those large breasts it was a huge step. If you reveal that you, who Matt sees as male, crossdresses and therefore, in Matt's mind, may indicate you want to have what he just got rid of. Think about that. Potentially very confusing for someone who is dealing with transition from female to male. And to top that off the loss of Matt's biological father. It doesn't really matter what kind of relationship they had, it is still a major blow to your system. Been there, done that and it is hard to deal with even if, like me, you preferred to not have contact with him. My suggestion is keep your gender variance to yourself at this point and pour your energy into supporting Matt as much as possible. He needs you as an image of what he is more or less shooting for in his transition. (In your original post you referred to Matt as "her." Maybe just a slip, but never do that. Matt is a "he.")

[Shelly Preston]

I would say unless you suspect he knows just be as supportive as you possibly can be. FTM transition is not a quick or easy process.

I don't think telling him at this point really helps the situation.

[Aunt Kelly]

Melinda,

You've received lots of advice here. I'd like to say that some of it is good, but the truth is that I just don't know. My inclination is toward telling him. A twenty year old should be able to handle this, and a twenty year old trans-man would be arguably more so, but I'll wager that none of us here have dealt with this particular scenario before. None of us here are professionals. My best advice would be talk to one who is at least familiar with the issues of FtM transsexuals. He or she will ask questions that will illuminate things and allow for an informed and well reasoned approach here. Be prepared for either case; tell or don't tell.

You're fine. Matt will be, but he's dealing with a lot right now and you want to help. That's good. Let's let someone truly qualified tell you how best to do that.

Hugs,


Kelly

[Ressie]

I've been to LGBT events that included both MtF and FtM TG folks. I think it would be cool if the two of you ended up going to an event like this together. Maybe within a couple of years? Anything is possible.

[suzanne]

The number one most important thing about "being a man" is standing up and being accountable for the things you do and say, and I think it extends to what you like to wear. The rest of that man stuff is just toxic masculinity.

[Jenny22]

TracyG meant to say that you can never be Matt's father, but you sure can be his dad, now. I don't see the need to tell him of your CDing at this time, as it would serve him no purpose. Start doing things with him that a dad would do with a son. let him learn to be a man by your male example. Encourage him to do guy things by himself. If he hasn't yet had and is not planning to have the bottom surgery, caution him to be careful of selecting his friends and the places he goes. I hope his beard is growing well.

[SaraLin]

Just another two cents' worth.

My thought on reading this were that it might be nice for him to have someone that he knows really 'gets it.'
No - you don't have to make a big deal out of your dressing, but a simple comment along the lines of "I understand. I'm not fully comfortable in my born gender either" might be enough to open a conversation about gender issues and let him know that he's got a truly sympathetic ear in you.

That said - you're right. Right now the focus is more on him, and unless he asks for more, I don't think I would do more than let him know you're a bit more in his camp than many others might be.

[Beverley Sims]

A two year relationship is not all that long, let it go another two years, family outlooks and relationships may change and four years after the death of a close relative needs a lot less support.

Also, Matt will be of age anyway.

[Tracii G]

The number one most important thing about "being a man" is standing up and being accountable for the things you do and say, and I think it extends to what you like to wear. The rest of that man stuff is just toxic masculinity.

Why is being a man and doing what men have done for 1000's of years all of a sudden toxic? I hate feminist buzz words.
No matter what you call yourself suzanne you are still a man genetically right?
So in the situation of having a FtM to coach one would need to teach dip into the bag of male stuff and teach what they know.
I'm sure Matt would rather experience what being a man is and not some trumped up feminist version of what a man is.
A year into transition is more like a puberty stage so would it not be best to teach him how to be a man?
Sure teach him to be a productive male in society and to treat people with respect.