The people we marry

[Becky Blue]

Over the weekend my wife commented negatively about something one of our male friends did with regards to his wife. It was not something at all bad but something I would never have done. I think of myself as being more female than male in my head and whilst I am not at all effeminate I am not at all an Alpha male either and don't have many traditional 'male hobbies'.

This got me wondering if my wife was initially subconsciously drawn to me because of my 'female' side. Those of you with accepting SO's or even in DADT do you think your 'T component' may have been part of your attributes... albeit subconsciously? I am specifically NOT talking about sexual attraction!

[Kas]

Hi Becky

I am currently engaged and I have been wondering about this too.

I'm not sure if it is what initially made her attracted to me, but I do think it may have helped in her decision to want to get married to me. This is most likely just stereotyping, but I find many cis men have to some degree, a "player" attitude. Checking out other women, picking up women, saying sexist things, cheating etc...

I think that her knowing (even subconciously) that I was a bit more fem makes her feel like there is a much less likely chance I will hurt her in that sense and would be less likely chance for me to want to cheat on her.

In a bit of a rush and typing on my phone so what I have written may not turn out exactly how I meant it but I hope you get the gist.

Good to see another Aussie!

[Samm]

My wife once told me she was drawn to me because I didn't put up a fake front, I wasn't the macho type, and I was not like most guys.... boy, was she right about that last part!

[GretchenM]

My wife and I met 49 years ago and have been married 48 1/2 years. Back then I was in male mode 99% of the time. When I came out to her in 2012 she was shocked. There were plenty of hints along the way, but she never noticed them or interpreted them as my being gender variant. I rarely ever interpreted it that way either. The She in me was a demon that sometimes made be do weird things and I suppressed her as much as I possibly could. Only in 2012 did I finally have to give in and accept the She in me. So, my wife was not attracted to that side. But I think she has come to enjoy some of the benefits such as my cooking about 90% of the meals, knitting cute things, and quite a number of things Gretchen likes to do that are stereotypical of women. But the dressing is still a no-no in front of her. She married a man and she doesn't want to see him as a woman even though she knows a significant part of her husband is inclined to lean strongly in that direction. We have a very good and loving relationship, but the trans aspects are a bit stressful for her. I respect that even though not dressing when I need to is stressful for me. The marriage and the love we share is more important than the mixed identity I have. It is a matter of priorities. Great question Becky.

[Beverley Sims]

I am sure my more "considerate" attitude towards women helped me across the line.

I was a 98 lb weakling and always took the girls home after a party.

I took them home by the carload and they treated me well.

They did not know of my dressing either.

[Kay Ren]

Kas,

I hope you will share your feminine views in explicit detail before your marriage. living a long married life with subconscious understandings of who your partner really is can create a different reality. Try to talk about your most hidden secrets. Read the commets by GretchenM. "Life is long for the fortunate, and joyful for those who undestand that priorities can sometimes temper desires." A long marriage needs work, patience, and priorities based on both partners willingness to help each other to reach their potential.

[NancySue]

Definitely, yes. Could be why she accepted my CDing when I told her, before we wed. I play sports, but enjoy music and art. She’s been invaluable in my progress. She asks my opinions as do I her on clothes, outfits, etc. we shop together and sometimes she buys things she thinks I’ll enjoy and look good. She’s never been wrong. Her rule...one for me...two for her. Seems fair to me.

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Becky,

Good question. My wife has told me that I wasn't her type physically - she's kind of tall and typically likes large men who make her feel smaller. I'm slightly built and only about two inches taller than her. She also in some respects holds some traditional gender roles so clearly a crossdressing husband doesn't fit that category. However she has said more than once that she likes that I'm in touch with my feminine side (although she only learned of my crossdressing after we were married and she is being accepting and somewhat supportive but certainly not embracing). I do believe that this part of me at least on a subconscious level was part of the attraction for her.

Elizabeth

[Stephanie47]

My wife or forty-six years (today) dated for only two months before we were committed to each other. We did spend a lot of time together. Whatever she saw in me has not changed over those decades. How I view people and women has nothing to do with a "feminine" side, It has to do with nurturing at an early age and my life experiences and observations. Over the years of being on this forum I have read many threads and posts that exhibit the boorish behavior most women do not like. Perhaps, if one views wearing women's apparel as a deficiency in character, he is not so quick to point out shortcomings in others?

[LilSissyStevie]

If you want to see someone pass out from laughing, just mention my "feminine side" to my wife.

[ChubbyLeahCD]

Interesting topic. My wife has issues with men from being abused but she fell for me relatively easy.
We’ve been together for 12 years and had our ups and downs. Recently communication has been much better and she realized that I have a passion for the LGBT issues. She even admitted that for a while, she thought I was maybe gay or bi.
I am bi, something that I realized just a few years ago. I’m hoping this will open up some conversations that will allow me to be free and open to her. Maybe she saw something in me and that it has to do to the fact I’m Leah and bi and that I’ll bring us closer together. At least I hope so!

[Jennie2]

Hi Becky
After I came out to my wife, we discussed this topic and she said she does like the fact that I am caring, more gentle than the norm, I do the ironing and cook dinner most nights and we attributed this to my fem side, so this was partly what helped build our strong relationship.

Jennie

[ClosetED]

I think my softer side helped - I am kinder, caring, helpful, not full of macho BS like I can't help do laundry or cook, nurturing with kids, change diapers. I don't spend hours on sports or car or poker. She was drawn to calmness despite problems, as opposed to environment she grew up in, which she likens to The Glass Castle-mother withdrawn to her own needs and father doing wild things (just not drunk).
Hugs, Ellen

[Jane G]

For sure Becky. Like you I'm very far from an Alfa male. Most of the time I'm certain my wife enjoys that. Though of course there are those, why don't you sort that out like a real man would moments. Fortunately we can learn to act the Alfa male when required, however far it may be from our true selves. :heehee:

[Alice B]

Not at all. I was very much an alpha male and without question it was one of the things that attracted my wife. It was not until around 12 years into our marriage that I started t dress. I am fortunate that I have a wife that understands this and accepts. Not DATA, but not one to participate. Just don't rub it in her face. One side of me is still an aplha male. The oither side veryt much a woman. A balancing act that seems to work with minimal conflicts, so far.

[Teresa]

Becky,
Alpha males scare some women so you could have a point .

[Krisi]

My wife was drawn to me because I played in the band. Come to think of it, so were my first two wives!

[aprilgirl]

Thoughtful question, Becky, thanks for posing. I told my future wife a few months into dating about my dressing, and she had absolutely no inkling. Mind you, she's an incredibly intuitive person, with an uncanny ability of reading people given her profession. It was months after divulging that she asked me to reveal en femme, where she felt relieved, with the realization I was the same person in either mode.

[Rayleen]

Becky, great subject

We have been married 47 yrs this month and she always appreciate the way I treated her. She was working late and I prepared her the meal, looked after laundry and the kid after school. We had a very romantic life ...maybe my feminine side too, who knows.

When I decided to tell her about my habit, she was very sweet and understood when I explained her how it was a need to CD.

We have a very good communication and we thrust each other .

[Gillian Gigs]

My wife and I both like watching movies, and having a good laugh. She once said to me she married me because I stuck around, and kept coming back. We were friends long before we became lovers!
I have often wondered what is in her older brother's closet. He has some interesting traits...

[Kas]

Kas,

I hope you will share your feminine views in explicit detail before your marriage. living a long married life with subconscious understandings of who your partner really is can create a different reality. Try to talk about your most hidden secrets. Read the commets by GretchenM. "Life is long for the fortunate, and joyful for those who undestand that priorities can sometimes temper desires." A long marriage needs work, patience, and priorities based on both partners willingness to help each other to reach their potential.


Hi Kay,

Thanks for the concern. Luckily for me I have a wonderful SO who is already aware I CD and is accepting and supportive of it! I know her views and opinions could always change, but why worry about the "what ifs"?

[rachelatshop]

Yes Becky, Rach is a manifestation of my female /soft side, and some of her characteristics are part of the guy my wife married. I know that my wife is not attracted to Rach but some of her rubs off onto my male side and softens his character and it is that soft creative side of the husband that my wife married that she likes

[Dana44]

My SO is acceptance and we get along fine. But she would not let me get a wig so I grew my hair long. Same with forms. She said that show what you have to be a girl. So I do that and today even with a two day beard I got called maimed and I had to answer and he still thought I was a girl. So my appearance has changed a lot. I am defiantly not an alpha male.

[Sometimes Steffi]

My wife has said that if she knew that I was a crossdresser before she married me that she might not have married me.

Ouch!

[RADER]

My wife always told her friends that she married a great man.
Now I was always faltered on this comment, but the fact was I treated her
like a Queen in a way, kind of the way I would have wanted to be treated
if our relationship was reversed.
Many of her friends where jellos of her when she would get flowers on sweetest day
or any other occasion.
It was just the correct thing to do for a Lady that put up with m dressing.
rader

[Becky Blue]

Thanks for so many fascinating responses Girls.. a few comments on your comments:
Elizabeth very similar to my wife in that physically I am not her type, she likes the rough muscly tradesman look, I am slim and not rough looking at all...

Beverley - I too found it really easy to meet and date girls - my friends always asked me what was my secret. I did not know why but I seemed to understand the girls way more than my friends.. now perhaps I know why. :)

Gretchen, Jennie, Ellen, Rayleen & Rader yes treating them so well seems to be a common theme.

[Stephanie43]

I think I’m opposite of most of these responses. I think my wife was attracted to me because I’ve always been the jock, alpha male type. I loved to fight other males in my younger years and have always had manly hobbies. All of these things made it difficult to bring myself to tell her recently about my 38 years of CD’ing. So far she has been very excepting and knows that I’m still me.