Putting Alice in a box for now. Much sharing.

[Alice Torn]

Friends, I am putting Alice in storage for now, in bags and bins. I will share some things here that are true for ME, and me only. It may not apply to anyone else. I have to admit that crossdressing for me, has been very sexual. Not quite as much as at first, but in some ways even more so. I have met four different admirers over the years, and kept i short of full sex. When i am all dolled up I fantasize about being with a gentleman, but have boundries. I have put many personal ads on a number of dating sites, and received quite a few replies, but I have been very cautious , and would not meet very young men, or those who demand sex. My faith forbids sex outside of marriage, too, and not friendly toward dressing. I got into some pornography several days ago, and really got into some of it. I abhor porn in the past, but got really turned on by some of the videos. I realize it is very addictive, and destructive to morals and causes anti social, even toxic attitudes toward women, and causes sex addiction, and can take a person down a sick dangerous road to big trouble. With the other tough issues i hav ehad in life, and being a highly sensitive, bipolar ,too. I have done some serious soul searching. My better judgment would be to stop going down the slippery slope to sex with admirers. Some even suggested i marry them, in emails. I to be honest, have caused many men to lust after me as Alice, and many men say they masturbate to my photos and videos. I have cause d this, and have a big exhibitionist side to Alice. Is this really in my best interests, and the best interests of men who lust after me? It is very flattering to my vanity. My guy side recoils at it, though, and is disgusted how vain and shallow i can be, and reckless. My sexual fantasies have been ruling me more and more, and it is not healthy. I must put on the brakes a s I am going down a mountain pass at high speed! There fore, I am putting my Alice things in bags and bins, and not dressing for a while, other than maybe tights or pantyhose in the colder weather, at night and under male pants. I have gone out in public only twice this year, one time meeting an admirer, and he was rough and rude. back in March. I had a nice alone outing a few weeks ago, and that is enough for me for now. I need to nurture my man side, for now, as i depend on him, to fix the car, and other guy things. I also lust after Alice in the mirror, and desire her , more than a real GG. Not healthy to overdo this! I need to get my guy side in balance here, a blu'e collar sensitive man. I know this is my story and no one elses story. I need to not look at any more porn on the computer, too. It is very destructive!! I need to clean up my mind, and life a lot more, to be less anti social and a loner. I need to interact with people more, and not let my dressing and fantasies keep my a sick loner. It is best Alice stays in the box for now, and become more social and balanced and wise! No looking at porn, and i shut down my personal ad accounts, also. It is shameful that i caused many men to lust sexually to my photos and videos, and many wanted to have sex with me, or even marry me. It flattered mme but is it a good thing?/ No way! Thanks for reading!

[Rachael Leigh]

Great thoughts and I think is good you can spell them out here for those of us who care about you.
Take a break think about yourself and I would even say volunteer somewhere.
Your a good person Alice.
Hugs Rachael

[Melissa Geery]

I second Rachael. Find a way to be of service to someone through an act of kindness. It helps get us out of stuck thinking and feeling. Your faith will help you too. Hope you feel some peace.

[OCCarly]

It is good that you know yourself and your limits. Enjoy your break and know that we will be here for you when you return.

[Ressie]

I need to interact with people more
Yes, spending time with friends is good for mental and emotional health for us single people. If you don't have any friends maybe you should connect with people that have the same interests as you besides the sexual thing. Maybe take a class or find a local meet up internet group that shares a favorite hobby you have?

I've got similar addictions so I understand where you're coming from Alice. It becomes a dark place to reside but please forgive yourself for this behavior. There are millions of other exhibitionists that have men lusting after them. If it isn't Alice doing it there are plenty of alternatives. It's part of this world we live in and I don't think you should get down on yourself so much for participating. Being more spiritual is a good thing but we're only human. Taking a break from dressing might be a good idea, just don't purge sweetie!

[Lana Mae]

Peace and love to you Alice! If you feel right about this choice do it! Do not purge! Enjoy life and best wishes on this new aspect of your journey! Hugs Lana Mae

[Sara Jessica]

Based on all that you have written, no one can argue with your decision. I hope you receive nothing but comments in support of what you are about to take on.

That said, don't beat yourself up over the actions of others. You do not control their fantasies and yes, proposing marriage is one of those. I have a friend who puts herself out there on Flickr with tasteful pictures and she has had more marriage proposals than she can count. While I cannot get inside of the mind of the admirer, I suspect the proposals are another way to validate their repressed feelings, to womanize the object of their fantasy desire to make it seem "OK" where otherwise it wouldn't be.

It will take strength to stay on the path you have before you. I wish you the very best.

[Alice Torn]

Thanks for the support! I think about dressing almost 24/7, but i used to be a far more social person. However, i still do serve others and help others,sometimes way too much, as a codependent. I just took in two wild kittens, and made a shelter with blankets in and gave it to the lady who has a bunch of wild kittens,.. On another point, i have very long attractive legs when in hose and heels, and get a thrill showing them off, to admirers. I need to stop it, though. I am trying to not do this now, as one admirer wants to meet me, but i [put a stop on him, as he wanted me to buy something for him, and pay back later. RED FLAGS GALORE!! Never met him, and never will now! With all the creepy people out there, best to heed caution. Sadly, some GGs think i am creepy, just because i am an old bachelor in a town of marrieds. I admit i have a guy side and a lady side, but do not plan on transitioning, even though my VA therapist put it out there. I see very tough times ahead, and my guy side will come in handy, during some uncertain very tough times ahead. But, I am not purging everything. Maybe some, though.

[Majella St Gerard]

Although I disagree with your views on pornography, you have to do what is right for you. Good luck to you Alice on your journey, I hope you find the solace you seek.

[Julie Denier]

Best to you, Alice - be well ;)

[Alice Torn]

Thanks for the replies. I still may dress some, but cannot let it take over my life, and get me into trouble with "admirers."

[Dana44]

Take care Alice. We will be here when you can come back.

[Majella St Gerard]

How bout you dress all you want and NOT put ads on dating sites, if you want to avoid those pesky admirers.
Food for thought.

[sarah_hillcrest]

Alice I think you are being to hard on yourself, but have had similar feelings. I am not a person of faith, but I do believe strongly in morals. I also know exactly what you mean when you talk about the thrill of having men lust after your feminine self, while your male self finds it disgusting. I'm quite sure that if I wasn't married I would be looking doing the exact same thing you are and probably having similar feelings.

I do agree with you that porn can be negative, especially for young people with little real life experience in sex and relationships. I also have found that I enjoy my male side, though I think its kind of silly how we categorize up gender roles. Who says a woman couldn't change the oil in vehicle, or fix something around the house.

I would say that life is short and you should follow your desires as long as they cause you no lasting harm.

[Alice Torn]

Majella, I have thought about that. Stopping all ads and porn. Just dress now and then to destress. i really desire a true reality relationship with a real GG i can get along with, and is pleasant to the eyes, instead of just Alice in the mirror. Sarah, I am not a churchy traditional religion person, but have compromised my morals a lot, and never imagined i would want to be with a mn. But, only when dressed. Never have the desire in drab.

[CarlaWestin]

Alice, it is always a good idea for the head of the coin to compliment the flip side. I've always thought that if I were able to dress 24/7, I probably wouldn't. I just met up with a longtime online CD friend for the first time. I enjoyed his male companionship so much that I started thinking about how stressful (although highly enjoyable) a girly adventure would be. So just put it away for a while and then the desire to play dressup may become more genuine as a curious adventure, instead of the overwhelming demon it seems to have become.