This might sound crazy, but...

[Kas]

Hi girls,

I have noticed a few threads on here recently about members who have actively went out of their way to come out to their partners about their CDing, only to get a negative/not-what-you-were-expecting response which seems to complicate the relationship with weeks/months/years of uncertainty, tears, shock and other emotions running high.

Now this may sound crazy, but hear me out. In certain circumstances, I feel that being caught is actually a better option than coming out yourself to your SO. I feel like taking the initiative to actively come out and tell you're SO that you CD is basically admitting to them that your urges to be a woman are so strong, you have no other option but to tell her. This could cause your SO to start over-thinking things and wonder if you really are the "man" she married (because you felt so strongly about dressing up as a girl, you just HAD TO tell her!). Whereas if you are hiding it and get caught, it is easier to play it off as some kind of fantasy/fetish thing you were ashamed of and that's why you didn't want to say anything.

I feel like your SO will be more understanding/accepting if you treat it as something you are ashamed of and something you need help with, rather than something you are proud of. This way they can can feel like they are involved in helping you resolve the situation in the best way for both of you. Simply telling them straight up may make them think you have already made the decision about wanting to be a woman without any of their input or concerns addressed which leads to bad things.

So before to go and tell your SO you CD because you've been told it is the "best" way, have a think about your other options and how your SO will react.

[Jaylyn]

This is another thought on letting the your wife know. I got smart and hid my dressing for years and then one day I told her she said she expected it as I loved for her to wear her makeup and I had painted her nails and helped her shop. She at the time I to,d her was all for it and for years loved my dressing. Even helping me in buying clothes and helping me with make up. She even bought Jaylyn Christmas gifts. Five or more years she didn't mind my dressing but recently she hasn't really acknowledged my dressing, even mentioned she didn't care for it any more, thus I've kind of taken on a DADT situation. I'm thinking you may be right if I would just have kept on and had got caught she might have been more receptive.

[Nikki A.]

Kas your way has some serious risks and creates the scenario of hiding and lying to her. Also this way you don't have the control of when or how it comes out.

[AllieSF]

I am one who believes that before getting really serious, the CD needs to have the big reveal talk with their SO. It is only fare, and if they have been around this site long enough, then they will understand what is the best way. To keep hiding would be wrong. If the SO dumps the CD, so be it. Much better to know ahead of time and save a lot of grief for both later.

However, for those that have never told their SO about their CD activities and are in a long term relationship that seems to be working well with normal ups and downs, then I can't recommend anything. It would be better over the long run to tell, but the details of each relationship are really unknown to enable us to be able to insist that one comes clean to the other. That decision can only be made by that person, not by us. If the CD realizes that they are non-binary or TS and some significant life, mental, identity and physical changes may be coming down the road, that is another story. In that case their partner needs to be informed to give them a chance to buy in, or sell early and avoid potential serious suffering and losses.

You do make a good point about how they SO finds out. However, does one really want to further the deception and then maybe make up a big story about how they are suffering (when they really are not!) and need their SO's support to try to understand and come to terms with it? I disagree with the lying. If it happens naturally, i.e. initial deceit, then a surprise discovery and the CD is really having some issues, maybe.

[Kas]

Kas your way has some serious risks and creates the scenario of hiding and lying to her. Also this way you don't have the control of when or how it comes out.

Nikki,

I do not totally agree...

First of all, I never said anything about lying to her... And secondly, I'm going to go ahead and assume that the majority of us were hiding our CDing from our SO up until the point we decided to tell them... So really there is no difference between the 2 situations in that sense.

Last of all, if it is your SO were talking about and not anybody else, anytime is as good as any other IMO...

My main point was that by actively coming out to your partner, it shows them that you are already heavily invested in CDing, maybe more than they might like or be comfortable with. Where if you get caught you can judge her reaction and take it from there. If she absolutely is disgusted by it, tell her it's just some sexual fetish you have where you like to dress as a girl and hopefully she'll just shake her head and walk off. Or if she is interested, you can take advantage and use it to start dressing more. I just think getting caught is a good way to gauge you SOs reaction to CDing without admitting you are invested in it.

[Melissa Geery]

I think context matters. Depending on how long you've been together could affect the approach. The age you and your partner are does too I think. Are kids involved? Probably affects the approach to telling. The way I'm reading what you say here it seems almost manipulative. As if you may be saying to your partner "let me set it up so I can collude with you about crossdressing being weird and then you can help me recover from it." It is late where I am and may be reading too quickly. My thought is that being as direct and honest as possible will perhaps be more painful in the short term, but will pay dividends in the long term. That will not be true for everyone-my opinion. I hope if you haven't told your SO about this part of you that you weigh all the options and do what you feel will cause her the least harm and what you feel let's you be full of integrity. Good luck!

[Kelly DeWinter]

Kas;

Yeah it's pretty much does sound Crazy. Noticing a few threads does not take into account the historical preponderance of threads that show the outcome for telling is much better then the outcome for getting caught.

My only wish in life would be that all people both men and women would realize the the only thing permanent is change.

[Kas]

I think context matters. Depending on how long you've been together could affect the approach. The age you and your partner are does too I think. Are kids involved? Probably affects the approach to telling. The way I'm reading what you say here it seems almost manipulative. As if you may be saying to your partner "let me set it up so I can collude with you about crossdressing being weird and then you can help me recover from it." It is late where I am and may be reading too quickly. My thought is that being as direct and honest as possible will perhaps be more painful in the short term, but will pay dividends in the long term. That will not be true for everyone-my opinion. I hope if you haven't told your SO about this part of you that you weigh all the options and do what you feel will cause her the least harm and what you feel let's you be full of integrity. Good luck!

I agree with you and I did mention that it depends on the circumstances. I am coming from the perspective of somebody who would like their wife to know about their crossdressing, but does not necessarily want to commit (life-long) by making a full admission. I feel if you decide to make a full admission about your CDing you are potentially leaving yourself very vulnerable as you are basically telling your SO, either you accept me as part woman or nothing. I think getting caught leaves other scenarios open for those who don't want to commit.

I know how this sounds... It could be seen as manipulative, but don't we have to also keep ourselves protected? Once you come out as a CDer that's who you are. A CDer. If you get caught dressing up once, there could be many possible reasons.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Kas;

"I know how this sounds... It could be seen as manipulative, but don't we have to also keep ourselves protected? Once you come out as a CDer that's who you are. A CDer. If you get caught dressing up once, there could be many possible reasons."

How could it not be manipulative ?
Once you come out as a CDer that's who you are. A CDer. - What else would you be a tree ? A Balloon ?
Any other thing you invent you are lying.
What about your spouses feelings ?
Does perpetuating a a falsehood gain anything ?

[Tracii G]

Kas go ahead and try your theory and get back with us and let us know what happened to your marriage.
I think your theory is flawed and its coming from the male point of view which is an assumption and we all know women don't think like men so you are probably playing with fire if you chose to test your theory.

I'll be honest after 9 years on this forum and reading all the coming out and the getting caught threads shit hits the fan scenarios far outweigh the SO being understanding.

[Kas]

For some, keeping your family together is the primary objective in all of this. For me personally, if my wife really wanted, I would never dress again (as hard as it would be). CDing is important to me, but not as important as having a good relationship with my SO. Coming out to her straight up for me would be like a 50/50 gamble. She might stay, she might leave. If I get caught, it gives me somre more "playing" room as to a reason if things looked like they were about to go bad. I know I am speaking from a male perspective, but we are all men so is this not acceptable? I know this won't work for everyone, but it may work for some.

[jennifer0918]

Kas I agree with you 100%and that's why I'm in the closet and plan to be here until she finds out on her own. My mind is made up I'm going to let destiny take its course, life begins with tears and ends with tears so in between if we cry or she cries tears are part of life. Lying to her ok this lie of mine is not taking food from her table,it taking away the roof she sleeps under,this lie is not cheating on her. So yes Kas I see your point and I agree.

[Kas]

Kas I agree with you 100%and that's why I'm in the closet and plan to be here until she finds out on her own. My mind is made up I'm going to let destiny take its course, life begins with tears and ends with tears so in between if we cry or she cries tears are part of life. Lying to her ok this lie of mine is not taking food from her table,it taking away the roof she sleeps under,this lie is not cheating on her. So yes Kas I see your point and I agree.

Thank you for seeing my point! People keep saying the words "lie" and "lying", but there is a difference between lying and not telling the whole truth. i am in no way saying lying is a good idea, but giving the 100% FULL truth is not always a good idea either.

[Krea]

Kas,

There are arguments for staying in the closet and for coming out to your partner. Each has it's own risks.
There is only one way to truly find out whether it is a good idea to come out to your partner and that involves going past the point of no return!

It depends partly on how you feel your partner may react to being told / finding out. (Bear in mind that some women are fine with men who crossdress, provided it isn't their man.)

Early this year i came out to my wife after a few years of CDing. So far things have generally gone well, but i would not automatically suggest that others should do the same. Each relationship is different and only the people in it can understand the factors that are involved and try to make the best decision.

[Charlotte7]

I have to agree with Allie. The only safe time to tell is at the very start, when there is still plenty of room for both sides to walk away relatively unharmed. After that, all options, not telling; telling; being discovered are all full of risk.

[leannejacobs]

I dare say we all have our own individual reasons for coming out, ideally it should be made known at the start of a relationship but often in our earlier years we're not mature enough to realise, I came out to my wife after going through a rough patch, it got to the point where she knew I was up to something and assumed it was an affair, my only option to quash this theory was to come out to her, it wasn't easy and it took some time to get over but we're there now and she accepts it.

[Elizabeth G]

OK, so I won't use the words "lie" or "lying" but it certainly is perpetuation of a deception and that is a very fine line. The biggest problem I had when my wife found out about my dressing was less about the dressing than the issue of broken trust. Your scenario requires the crossdresser to maintain a story that isn't wholly true and if it were to somehow come out at a later time then I think the repercussions could be severely damaging.

[Tracii G]

Breaking trust is a huge thing to women and once its broken it is extremely hard to fix it.
I know for me once trust is broken its over.
How your wife feels about that I wouldn't know.
You do know about the law of averages so its going to happen one day and her world will be rocked when she finds out.
How she reacts who knows but chances are more than 75/25 you are going to lose in a divorce case and be singing the blues on a future I got caught thread.
Its happened here a lot so maybe to a site search and read some past threads on the subject.

[Kas]

OK, so I won't use the words "lie" or "lying" but it certainly is perpetuation of a deception and that is a very fine line. The biggest problem I had when my wife found out about my dressing was less about the dressing than the issue of broken trust. Your scenario requires the crossdresser to maintain a story that isn't wholly true and if it were to somehow come out at a later time then I think the repercussions could be severely damaging.

I know what you mean. The one thing I don't understand is why women even see it as a trust issue to begin with. I mean it's not like your wedding vowels say you swear not to wear women's clothing. So unless you specifically stated to her on an occasion that you m don't wear women's clothing, then there is no trust involved. Anyway, I don't think the outcome would be any different in either scenario, getting caught or coming out on your own will.

[Krisi]

Every person is different and every relationship is different. I don't think this is a case where one piece of advice fits all.

I do think that telling your wife is better than having her come home to find you prancing around the living room in heels and a tutu.

Each one of us has to figure out the best way to tell our wives about our secret "hobby".

[Shelly Preston]

Consider these points,

If you have been hiding this from your wife she will naturally wonder what else your hiding.
If she finds a pair of panties who do they belong too. (she wont automatically think they are yours) are you having an affair ?
What if a neighbour sees you and asks who the woman at you house was.
Does she see you as having betrayed her trust ?

This is why it can be easier to tell her than wait to get caught.

Getting caught means you don't have any time sit and explain properly(especially if its bad timing)

[Pat]

In certain circumstances, I feel that being caught is actually a better option than coming out yourself to your SO.

When you add the qualifier "in certain circumstances" then you can pretty much advance any thesis you like. If a counter-example is given you can just say the circumstances weren't right. So, yeah. I guess you're right.

BUT there's a lot of evidence in this forum that the right circumstances are pretty rare. The process you describe is called "discovery" (as opposed to "disclosure.") The number of posts describing bad results from discovery seem to far outweigh the posts describing a happy result from discovery. Since we're talking individuals and everyone is different, then you have to work out the probabilities -- discovery seems like a losing strategy. If you go over the disclosure posts, I think you'll find that the good outcomes are more frequent and the bad outcomes aren't (usually) as bad as the outcomes for discovery. But I haven't done the analysis.

[Tracii G]

I hate numbers and calculating data but those of you into that stuff should do the analysis and see what the numbers are for discovery and disclosure.
Have you ever noticed new people to the site always seem to come up with the same theory only to find out thats not how it usually works.

[NicoleScott]

It doesn't matter what the numbers are. Those are about other people.
There are many factors that go into whether to tell or not, none of which is what any of us think. You have to consider all of your circumstances, weighing the good and outcome possibilities, and decide for yourself.

[~Joanne~]

I can't say I disagree with Kas, she makes some solid points. I guess it comes down to the individual as to how you want this to come out. eventually though, it WILL come out. Getting ahead of it isn't a bad thing if you have a SO that actually talks, if You don't then I can see how "getting caught" could work. Everyone has to decide for themselves how they want it to get done, Myself, I was "forced" which is a third option but not one I suggest.

[Tamsin Secret]

To tell or not to tell that is the question :sh:

Actually to be the person we really should have been all our lives is the answer but unfortunately we don't live in utopia :daydreaming:

So seeing as we don't (live in utopia) the consideration is not when or how our SO's find out but how we support them in the aftermath.

Assuming that they were unaware of any of the activities we indulge in before being made aware by us in person or by accidentally coming home early or finding panties in the closet this is going to be a real shock to them.

There is no right or wrong way for our SO's to find out unless they were in some way complicit from the outset.

Importantly, as you have done, another viewpoint has been added to this library that will hopefully help another soul one day x

[Veronica53]

As crazy as it sounds this is exactly what happened to me and the results were having the the most accepting wife around. She is now and has always been my best friend, wife, partner in crime and my biggest supporter

[Kelly DeWinter]

Kas does not seem to want to consider any other opinion except the ones that agree with her original post. So lets mix up the metaphor a bit. Substitute you worst fear in life or something you would absolutely hate for cross-dressing. (gambling, alcoholic, drug addiction, abuse). (For me it would be a drug addict) What would be your reaction if your spouse/gf/bf/so had a long term continuing habit that they kept from you and you happened to find out about it ? Would it be OK if they lied,with held,hid this from you. I know that I would have a serious issue with being in a relationship with an addict who felt it was ok to lie about their addiction because it made them feel good about themselves.

[Tracii G]

I agree Kelly.
Sometimes one needs to look at things form another point of view.

[Kas]

Kas does not seem to want to consider any other opinion except the ones that agree with her original post. So lets mix up the metaphor a bit. Substitute you worst fear in life or something you would absolutely hate for cross-dressing. (gambling, alcoholic, drug addiction, abuse). (For me it would be a drug addict) What would be your reaction if your spouse/gf/bf/so had a long term continuing habit that they kept from you and you happened to find out about it ? Would it be OK if they lied,with held,hid this from you. I know that I would have a serious issue with being in a relationship with an addict who felt it was ok to lie about their addiction because it made them feel good about themselves.

Kelly, that's is not true. Of course I consider everyones opinion.

It seems to me that it is actually YOU who cannot consider another opinion. You know how my partner found out about my CDing? I was caught. And you know what? Nothing happened! She accepts it and supports me.

It seems to me the majority of people on here believe that being caught can only lead to bad things but that isn't true. I'm not sure what your problem is with me. All of your responses have been very sarcastic and negative.

May I ask, are you in a long-term relationship with a woman?

[jennifer0918]

Crossdressing is not an addiction it's like apples and oranges two completly different things,who do I harm by being en femme?

[ellbee]

I personally don't believe it's right or fair to withhold this kind of information from one's SO.

Furthermore, I believe the SO needs to hear of it directly from the CD'er. No surprises, no getting caught in the act, no hearing about it from someone else, no accidentally having your "stash" discovered, etc.


For those already married, but the spouse doesn't know? Can't really help you there -- but they need to know. The sooner, the better.


For those not yet married? The SO need to know *before* getting engaged, IMO. Again, it's only right & fair.

How early in the relationship? Too many variables. But part of it I would say depends on the frequency & degree of activity. Before you met: Were you getting completely all dolled-up every other day, and sometimes heading out & about like that? Well, if CD'ing is that important to you, and it's a fairly big part of your life, then you need to let the SO know earlier on. After all, this is a good chunk of who you are... And your SO deserves to know your true self. It's better for them to know ahead of time of what they're getting into, if it ends up they stick around for the long haul. I mean, wouldn't *you* want to know about a pretty big part of your SO's life? :strugglin

But if you're not "heavily" into it, perhaps not all into the wig/make-up/temporary body enhancements/etc., but instead just like throwing on something comfy every now & then in guy-mode, just chilling out at home? Well, since it's not a huge part of your life, and you don't necessarily take it to "extremes," I wouldn't really see the harm in delaying that a bit further. But again, they need to know *before* popping the big question. Ironically, a CD'er of this "level" might have a much easier time in coming forward -- plus the SO might have an easier time accepting it, compared to the scenario above.


Anyway, I also want to mention that I believe it's not only fair to the SO, but also fair to the CD'er, themselves. Meaning: Do you really want to perhaps spend the rest of your life with someone who honestly doesn't "approve" of something like this? Your life will become a living hell, IMO. This forum is littered with all kinds of examples like that.

And again, how early on in the relationship you make the big reveal, really depends on a host of factors. Obviously you don't want to "scare them away" on only your second date or something -- especially if you're one of the "low-key" CD'ers. You really have to look at it from your SO/date's perspective... "Umm, why is he sharing this part of him with me so soon? Does that mean it's a really big deal to him? Ah, crap... He seems like an okay guy, from what little I know about him. But I really can't handle this. I'm *so* outta here!"


I would see no harm in working your way up to the reveal, as well, along the way. Basically putting out feelers ahead of time. Every now & then, mention something about what she's wearing, or her shaved legs, or whatever. Make it known that you think about/notice these kinds of things, perhaps on a level that's a bit more than what one would hear from an average non-CD'ing guy. Maybe another time, mention how when you were a kid, you once went out for Halloween dressed as a girl (if it's a true story). I dunno, stuff like that. And if one day she's feeling a bit fun & frisky, and voluntarily asks if she can put some make-up on you because she has "the perfect lipstick shade" for you & wants to see how you look (yes, that does actually happen sometimes), then say YES! Let her do her thing. And don't be totally all into it, but don't drag your feet & complain or whatever, either... Just have fun with it -- the both of you.

Ease your way into all this, let her warm up to the whole thing in various little ways. That way, when you do finally come clean, it won't be a total shock to her, and nor would she necessarily be dead-set against it.


I dunno. Just some thoughts on this.

Would love to hear some GG's chime in on this subject. Are they even still around here much? :strugglin

[Charlotte7]

I have to agree with Laura here. It's far better to tell early, rather than late. The timing is never easy and it took me a little while to do. But, when I first started going out with my, now partner of more than 30 years, I had to be honest. And, as Laura says, this honesty is not only for the partner but also yourself. I got to the point where I knew that I had to say something, and I knew that the girl that I was with was 'the one'. I really could see me spending the rest of my life with them. So, it had to be done. I can't say there wasn't utter turmoil inside, there was. I knew what I had to do, I knew what the possible consequence was. I could lose this person that I had grown very attached to. But to be fair to us both I had to say it. I don't know if I picked the best time. Is there ever a best time? It was the last day of our first holiday together. It was late in the evening. We'd both had a little bit to drink. Maybe, that is what finally lowered my inhibitions? And so, I said "I've got something to tell you." I couldn't say it in the pub and so we went for a walk outside. As we walked along outside, I knew that this was one of the most important moments in my life. This was one of those moments, and they can be few far between, where you actually know that the whole of your life stretched out before you can take wildly differing paths. But, I said what had to be said and we talked it over for a long time that evening. And she is accepting and we're still together. Yes, I may have lost. Yes, I may have lost every time. Yes, I may never have met anyone who could cope with me as I really am and I'm sure that I would have come to accept that. But, for me, I know that I would always have to said at the beginning, as I knew and still know, dressing is part of who I am, and the consequences of not saying would be, for me, far worse.

I suppose the only other advice that I can give, is that if you haven't ever said anything and you're thinking of saying something, then this forum has a heap of experiences, both good and bad, but I think, for those who have kept a secret for a long time, the odds of a successful outcome are greatly reduced. And that may not be because of an ouright objection to cross dressing, but the loss of trust over having kept somethinhg so fundamental about yourself secret and hidden away,

[Pat]

Awww, Charlotte, that is such a lovely story. Thank you for that.


I personally don't believe it's right or fair to withhold this kind of information from one's SO.

Furthermore, I believe the SO needs to hear of it directly from the CD'er. No surprises, no getting caught in the act, no hearing about it from someone else, no accidentally having your "stash" discovered, etc.

When discussing ideals, I'm totally with you laurababe -- but I also have a lot of sympathy for the folks who get caught up in this. It's like Greek tragedy -- you know the main character is flawed but you still wish things would work out for them. And sometimes, apparently like in Kas' case it does. And I'm very happy for her. But I wouldn't recommend her course to others.

------------------
Moderator Time: Let's keep things non-accusatory. We can discuss opinions without pointing fingers or assigning motives to others.
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[Kelly DeWinter]

Kas;

My apologies if I come across negative, but personally I have a hard time agreeing with a lot of your views and opinions. It's not personal. It's just that this site does have a looooong deep history of examples of people who have been caught, those who have elected to tell after a period of time being in a relationship or married, and those who have been open and honest from the beginning.
If you would research the topic using the search button you will find that being honest from the beginning works out best, opening up afterwards not so well, and being caught is typically the worst way for a spouse/so/gf to find out.

For those who open up afterwards a lucky small percentage end up ok, of the remainder it's split between those who end up separating/divorcing and the majority end up in a DADT arrangement that festers and simmers for years.

The ones who are honest from the start AND who have found someone who will look past their own pre conceived notions usually have the best relationships. The older you are the rarer it is to find such a pairing. (But it does happen so NEVER give up !)

The most interesting aspect of what i've written is that the younger you are the MORE accepting men and women are of the TG/CD community.



Kelly, that's is not true. Of course I consider everyone's opinion.

It seems to me that it is actually YOU who cannot consider another opinion. You know how my partner found out about my CDing? I was caught. And you know what? Nothing happened! She accepts it and supports me. If your photo is an indicator of your age then yes, your age group and the length of time in relationship has not been long enough to make it an issue. In a Marriage there are so many factors that make getting 'caught' a problem for a spouse include, age,religion,community standing,family status,work position that yes you getting caught it may be no big deal.

It seems to me the majority of people on here believe that being caught can only lead to bad things but that isn't true. I'm sorry but historically speaking it is true, again its a fact that a search of the site will verify. It's not an altfact or fake news, it's not even my opinion.

I'm not sure what your problem is with me. ​I have no problem with you. And again I apologize if I come across that way.

All of your responses have been very sarcastic and negative. ​I will endeavor in the future to be positive and supportive while not agreeing with a position that has a greater chance of harming a member of this community's relationship. (I'm really sorry, yes this is sarcastic, but a bit funny)

May I ask, are you in a long-term relationship with a woman ? Absolutely, you may ask. I'm recently married for the second time. Jeannie and I were married after a long relationship. I was open with her from the very beginning which was my decision. I consider myself incredibly fortunate to have found someone who actually did her own research and asked a lot of questions. Our relationship works in her words "because I don't have to worry about you hiding something from me"



Hi girls,

Whereas if you are hiding it and get caught, it is easier to play it off as some kind of fantasy/fetish thing you were ashamed of and that's why you didn't want to say anything. "Playing it off" is lying, unless it actually is a fetish thing.

I feel like your SO will be more understanding/accepting if you treat it as something you are ashamed of and something you need help with, rather than something you are proud of. This way they can can feel like they are involved in helping you resolve the situation in the best way for both of you. Simply telling them straight up may make them think you have already made the decision about wanting to be a woman without any of their input or concerns addressed which leads to bad things.

So before to go and tell your SO you CD because you've been told it is the "best" way, have a think about your other options and how your SO will react.
. individual results may very




Nikki,

I do not toally agree...

First of all, I never said anything about lying to her... Well you did imply it.


And secondly, I'm going to go ahead and assume that the majority of us were hiding our CDing from our SO up until the point we decided to tell them... Yes , its called being "in the closet" It's that feeling that a majority get not wanting to be caught, fearing being caught and knoning that if you make a mistake you will be caught.

So really there is no difference between the 2 situations in that sense.

Last of all, if it is your SO were talking about and not anybody else, anytime is as good as any other IMO...

My main point was that by actively coming out to your partner, it shows them that you are already heavily invested (Now that's a good pun) in CDing, maybe more than they might like or be comfortable with. Where if you get caught you can judge her reaction and take it from there. If she absolutely is disgusted by it, tell her it's just some sexual fetish (now you are advocating lying?) you have where you like to dress as a girl and hopefully she'll just shake her head and walk off. Or if she is interested, you can take advantage and use it to start dressing more. I just think getting caught is a good way to gauge you SOs reaction to CDing without admitting you are invested in it. (So by not admitting it, you advocate just a little white lie ?)


I agree with you and I did mention that it depends on the circumstances. I am coming from the perspective of somebody who would like their wife to know about their crossdressing, but does not necessarily want to commit (life-long) by making a full admission (Women do consider this lying) . I feel if you decide to make a full admission about your CDing you are potentially leaving yourself very vulnerable as you are basically telling your SO, either you accept me as part woman or nothing. I think getting caught leaves other scenarios open for those who don't want to commit. ​( Contrary to popular male mythology women do like their mates to be sensitive and committed)

I know how this sounds... It could be seen as manipulative (Yes and untruthful), but don't we have to also keep ourselves protected? Once you come out as a CDer that's who you are. A CDer. If you get caught dressing up once, there could be many possible reasons. ( Oh! do list them. Halloween can be only used once )


For some, keeping your family together is the primary objective in all of this. For me personally, if my wife really wanted, I would never dress again (as hard as it would be). CDing is important to me, but not as important as having a good relationship with my SO. Coming out to her straight up for me would be like a 50/50 gamble. She might stay, she might leave. If I get caught, it gives me somre more "playing" room as to a reason if things looked like they were about to go bad. I know I am speaking from a male perspective, but we are all men so is this not acceptable? I know this won't work for everyone, but it may work for some.

I'm really confused you were caught by your spouse, and you said she was OK with it, but now you say coming out straight up would be a 50/50 gamble for you ? What excuse did you give her when you were caught ?


Thank you for seeing my point! People keep saying the words "lie" and "lying", but there is a difference between lying and not telling the whole truth (Ohh really, what is the difference ?) am in no way saying lying is a good idea, but giving the 100% FULL truth is not always a good idea either.


I know what you mean. The one thing I don't understand is why women even see it as a trust issue to begin with (I asked Jeannie this, she says trust is earned by what you do and say.) I mean it's not like your wedding vowels say you swear not to wear women's clothing. (it also does not say you won't be an alcoholic, but if you do become one you may make divorce if your spouse is not happy about it)So unless you specifically stated to her on an occasion that you m don't wear women's clothing, then there is no trust involved. Anyway, I don't think the outcome would be any different in either scenario, getting caught or coming out on your own will.




Awww, Charlotte, that is such a lovely story. Thank you for that.



When discussing ideals, I'm totally with you laurababe -- but I also have a lot of sympathy for the folks who get caught up in this. It's like Greek tragedy -- you know the main character is flawed but you still wish things would work out for them. And sometimes, apparently like in Kas' case it does. And I'm very happy for her. But I wouldn't recommend her course to others.

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Moderator Time: Let's keep things non-accusatory. We can discuss opinions without pointing fingers or assigning motives to others.
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[Dana44]

I have stayed out of this thread. When I came out to my girl in a new relationship.. She did not even know about CD's and what it meant So I had to explain every thing to her and what I am. I showed her my clothes. She also researched it and has a friend that her husband was a CD. But it was a lot of communication and that was important. If you could do that on the fly, perhaps you might be lucky. But the time we have seen others here and they had to get divorce or was threatened with it. We have a lot of I got caught threads. But you are playing the lottery. If you think she will be fine with it why not tell her.

[Kelly DeWinter]

Dana;

Your experience and ours are similar. For me, my spouse was willing to give me a chance while she became better informed. She did a lot of reading not only on this site, but books like MY Husband Betty. Were there some hard questions ? sure, There were even some I could not answer, like are you looking to transition, to which I could not honestly answer either way. Sometimes the hardest questions, the ones you just don't know the answer to.

[Dana44]

Kelly, Cool.yeah she joined this site also. Every once in a while she brings it up. she always asks me if there are any issues. LOL

[Kelly DeWinter]

Thats funny Dana, Jeannie is always asking how the girls on Cd.com are doing. Shes more of a lurker now. Once in a while she will comment to me on a thread or we will discuss a thread like this one.

[CONSUELO]

Kas,

I don't follow your logic. Why would being caught dressed cause a spouse to think that it is only "some kind of fantasy/fetish thing", whereas telling your spouse about crossdressing would raise a different set of deeper and more complex concerns.

I strongly believe in telling a partner as early as possible in the relationship and well before marriage. I do know some who have not told and tried the "getting caught" route and it was a disaster for them and caused a major disruption and many, many years of misery.

I see that in a later post you say it worked for you and I am pleased but I would not recommend it to anyone.

[ellbee]

One other thing I'd like to mention, is that I believe it's quite important to truly know yourself -- especially *before* getting into a serious & potentially life-long relationship.


Two common questions that seem to pop up from the SO's, immediately after learning of the CD'ing:

"Are you gay/bi?"

And...

"Do you want to become a woman?"


And you better damn well have & be able to share the honest answers -- and be certain of them.

Even when you already do, I'm sure those 2 questions will still be in the back of the SO's mind, well after the fact.

But if you're not sure, or merely *think* you already have the answers? Again, it's not fair or right to the SO, and they deserve to have that working knowledge.


Personally speaking, I took a lot of time & soul-searching on those two important issues. I wanted to make sure that I had fully explored all that... Not only for my own self, but also for the sake of any future SO's.

Heck, I even went so far as to sleep with a guy a number of times, while I was all dolled-up & in the submissive role. I simply had to be certain. Did I enjoy it? Yes. Was it necessarily for me? No. And if I *hadn't* when I did? I would have wondered for the rest of my life. And it probably would have gnawed at my brain the whole time.... Imagine if I had gotten married to a GG, with these thoughts on my mind for years/decades to come? I'm sure there would be a good possibility that I would have to eventually act on it -- while married, that is.

As for the 2nd question, of course I heavily looked into the possibility that transitioning would have been the right path for me. For a couple long phases in my life, at that. It turns out it's not. But in addition to doing some serious research on all-things-TS & put myself through some deep soul-searching, I also even went so far as to obtaining some practical real-life experience like getting out there fully en-femme in various scenarios, and even living 24/7 for stretches at a time. Now, imagine if I had gotten married to a GG, *without* doing all this? Again, I would have wondered for the rest of my life, perhaps trying to suppress these thoughts/feelings/needs/desires/explorations -- until I could no longer. It would not have been fair to her or myself.


Anyway, regardless of one's answers/conclusions, it's important to know for certain. And also to be forthright enough to be able to honestly share those with an SO, for the sake of both parties & the relationship.

[Minnietheminx]

I`m new here but as a GG i would say tell it as it is from the start. It works both ways. I have to be straight up with a guy and say sorry but i prefer guys that dress. I`ve had two marriages where i tried to kid myself that they would work and i could probably get them to dress but it didnt happen and just ended up with me living in denial and yearning for something i didnt have. If youre straight from the start you may actually find out either that firstly youve come across a lady that might actually love it herself and hasnt found anybody that does dress..secondly she may actually be interested and want to get to know more about that side of things or lastly you may get the same reaction i get from males and they run for the hills but at least if they run for the hills you know that youre not going to be living a life of secrecy and yearning and entering into that is more likely than not going to end xx

[Ressie]

OK Minnie, I confess that I like to dress. I wanted to get that out before we even meet!

[Minnietheminx]

OK Minnie, I confess that I like to dress. I wanted to get that out before we even meet!

LMAO....now youve shocked me!!! dont tell me you wear jeans, suits and shirts and ties pleasssssse?!!! or im running for the hills LOL!!!

[Kelly DeWinter]

Minnie has said it best "tell it as it is from the start." I can't recall anyone, Male or Female who has ever said what I'm looking for in a relationship is some one who will lie to be and deceive me.

[mykell]

Kas crazy is as crazy does.

so today lets say their is a bus crash, it plays out.....you were in it.....sorry you didnt make it....ouch!!!!!

who are you now to her, the sordid gay guy who sneaked around and possibly passed on a sexual disease to her.

maybe she will think you secretly met many men at those rest area locations where men meet with like minded guys....ewwww

maybe she will think of frank-n-furter and simply see it as a fetish ?????? sex as you put it in another thread.

so at the very least print out your thoughts and tell her the truth and keep it with your things, she will find them eventually and you cant address her concerns if you are not around.....not judging just suggesting.....

[Hannahhot]

I find this discussion quite intriguing. I think I'd have to disagree with you, Kas. My wife would definitely prefer the honest route, knowing her for so long.

Before I got married, I am fairly certain I mentioned once, over the years, that I found wearing women's clothing to be exciting to me. But, I cannot remember that very vividly. To be honest, my whole cd'ing desire were pretty non-existent for years, since I moved a lot for work, lived with roommates, etc. Then, lived alone and of course didn't have anything. Then, my soon to be wife started moving her things in...and all of a sudden I had access to clothes...and it was so tempting. Since that time a few years ago, I've had a few days here and there, sometimes weeks or months apart, where I try things on. I'm a pretty skinny guy, so I do not believe I am hurting any clothing (I know this is a no-no now though...).

My desire to do it seems to come and go, and has never really been that strong. But, recently, I actually bought a few things...for the first time. That was months ago, got busy with life and thought, nah, I don't need this. Well, the thought popped back into my head again, and the desire was back.

I think, soon, I'm going to be honest with my wife and explain to her that, for me, it's more of an occasional fetish. And, I really would like to get a few more clothes and not hide it so much. I don't ever see myself leaving our home. If anything, maybe dressing for halloween sometime. Nevertheless, I plan to be honest with my wife as soon as I work up the courage to share that with her.

In the end, it's up to you how you handle it, but I don't plan to go about it that way at all.

[nameinuse]

Then, my soon to be wife started moving her things in...and all of a sudden I had access to clothes...and it was so tempting. Since that time a few years ago, days here and there,mes weeks or months apart, where I try things on. I'm a pretty skinny guy, so I do not believe I am hurting any clothing (I know this is a no-no now though...).

You could always wear her jeans one day and then plead ignorance when she notices lol. My Dad did that to my Mom one day, she was more upset that he fit in them LOL

anyways, you could use that as a segway.. say how much more comfortable they are ... etc etc

[atxpantyboy]

I've never liked being in the closet with girlfriends, so I have always divulged to my partners fairly early in relationships. But even that left a lot of anxiety and room for rejection and hurt feelings, so a few years ago I basically came out as a pansexual fetish crossdresser to all of my close friends. None of them really give a flip, and now I make sure every girl I date knows all about me and my quirks from the get go. It limits my dating options from the start, but I don't want to end up with someone who doesn't approve anyway, so I feel it's the best course for me. One of my current partners is a woman who prefers and seeks out crossdressers, and I have a nice circle of female friends I get to play with individually or even as a group while dressed. (She's coming over later today for pedis, some lingerie shopping, and some play time!) None of that would be available to me if I hadn't decided to embrace my quirks and to look for like minded approving women. So happy I did!