My life as a contradiction?

[Charlotte7]

I'm new here. I found the site a couple of months ago, lurked in the background for a while to get a feel for it and then decided to register. I'm pleased that I did as I get a real sense of belonging. Having been a cross dresser for nearly 50 years, I have to question why now? What is it that has compelled me to open up on a public forum? I suppose the reason is that I want to be more open and honest about who I am, possibly as much to myself as others.

But, I see many contradictions in how I am. I am happy to openly admit here that I am a CD. I have a dress on as I type this. I have put up a avatar and not a profile picture. I find this to be a contradiction as an avatar is public and a profile picture is members only.

I present as a MIAD, I don't have a wig, I don't wear make-up, although many years ago I did for a while and have even had a complete transformation on one occasion (what a thrill that was). Around that time I went to a social group on a few occasions, which I enjoyed. That came to an end when I moved to another part of the country. In the new location I didn't seek out a new social group. I don't think, that at the moment I'm ready for that. I don't go out dressed.

I suppose that even though I'm in a happy relationship, I'm still very much closeted behind closed doors. Maybe I have joined this forum as I want to, ever so slightly, push at those doors.

And here is another contradiction, I consider myself to be a private person, and yet I'm happy, very happy, to share all of this with you. Also I have two friends who know about my dressing and that has worked well in both cases.

I suppose my biggest contradiction though is who I am happy to know about me. This manifests itself most obviously with my shopping. I'm not keen on doing online shopping as I don't want people knowing my name and address even though they would not know me, and yet, I'm more than happy to go into a shop and try clothes on where appropriate. I don't mind the SA knowing that I wear the clothes, but I wouldn't want them to see me in them.

I suppose what I'm saying is that where I was once sure in myself now, for some reason, that has changed. I am less content to merely hide behind the shutters, but how to open up? Is this because cross dressing is the last (?) taboo? Over my years many things in society have changed, and for the better, good example being gay rights and marriage. But, and here comes another contradiction again, cross dressing, can remain behind closed doors, but, as a CD myself, unless I push the door open, no one will open it for me.

I suppose one answer to all of this, is that I've started out on a new journey and we'll have to see where it leads.

[Kas]

Hi Charlotte,

Interesting post. Have you considered coming out to your partner? I have found this to be one of the main factors in determining your future of CDing. My SO finding out has helped me so much in expressing myself. Knowing that she is accepting has made it much easier for me to do things like go out shopping or wearing women's clothing in public which I would never have done by myself. But then again for some it could spell the end of a the relationship. Risk vs reward really but the reward outweighs the risk.

[Charlotte7]

Hello Kas,

Yes, my SO has always known and that's over 30 years. She's very accepting and likes to see me dressed. She's bought me many things in the past.

[AllieSF]

Maybe just joining this site and seeing the easy communication of people all over the LGBT spectrum, many like yourself is freeing to your mind and thought process. Sometimes new freedoms are great, but then they also bring new complications, frustrations and issues. Your last line, to me, is my best recommendation too. It is a journey, short or long, question and worry less, accept and enjoy more. If not it can become a constant internal battle until you finally get to the same point. Accept yourself as you are and may be, live life, deal with life and this as best possible and don't let it rule your mind. Welcome to the club and good luck.

[DIANEF]

One of the best things I did in recent times was join this forum, through it I have gone from isolation to being part of a community of like minded people, and I have done things I once thought I never would. You say you fully transformed once, and what a thrill it was, have you wanted to do it again? Being here has helped me in so many ways, it probably will help you too. Doors are meant to be opened, that's what they are there for.

[Nikki A.]

Welcome to the forum and enjoy all the posts.
You're not really a contradiction, many people dress for themselves and or just their spouse. I did this for a long time until I decided it was time to spread my wings. As far as shopping goes, I don't do online shopping either. No control of package arrivals and I want to make sure that what I buy fits and looks good on me and I'm too lazy to send things back. There have been times when something looked fantastic on the hanger but awful on me. Do what feels right for you. In the end that is all that counts

[Rayleen]

Charlotte, I did join this club after being an outsider for a while...when I joined it felt like we're a big family of CD'er and lots of great info and respect.
Glad you joined us, welcome aboard Charlotte

[Gillian Gigs]

All humans are a complicated collection of contradictions, you will fit right in here. I don't go the whole nine yards, I like my lingerie, skirts, and pantihose, so I stick with that! You need to find where you are comfortable and do what you enjoy the most. By what you have said, I think that you are already there.
You can also hide inside an avatar, post an actual picture, or shout it out from a roof top, that is totally your call, whatever you feel comfortable with. Just join in and be yourself, and by the way, it is a journey, so enjoy it.