Wife of a crossdresser

[Newnew1819]

Hi

My husband is a cross dresser and I would have never thought in a million years I would be writing this. My husband is the macho type and has always been mr handy man and still is. He is a hairdresser and specializes in woman's hair. A few years ago I noticed woman's cloths in my home.First thing I thought he was cheating. Then he said he said he was not. So I let it go a few months later I found other items around the house and press on nails and wigs. I immediately knew something was going on and confronted him . He denied it all and I became furious. Fast forward early this year I noticed a lot of times his underwear and pants would go missing. He was hiding them and dressing . I finally told him I know what your doing a few weeks ago and he came out and told me the truth. I have been researching this for years and he knows it. So he just broke down and told me it started a few years ago. That night I told him to show me himself in dress up. So he did he was scared and so was I but I wanted to see what my husband was hiding . That night we had sex with him all dressed up. Since then we have Been having sex sometimes in his bra and undies . My main concern is is he gay? He swears he is not but why does he like being a bottom and 2nd why does he still dress every night behind my back. I know when he does bc he doesn't have underwear on in the morning. I am so confused . When he is dressed as a girl he doesn't act any different . He doesn't have a girl name he just says it's a sexual thing. I am not sure. What should I do. Some days I think of divorce bc I am not sure if he is wanting to sleep with men. Since he likes to be a bottom at times. I am so lost.

[Rachael Leigh]

There are many reasons for this. We are all different, it might be best to find a counselor to help both you and him understand his feelings around this. Bottom line he needs to be honest about all of this.
Best wishes and blessings
Rachael

[Meghan4now]

Why was he hiding his underwear and pants?

As far as the sex goes, that is possibly a separate issue from dressing. It CAN go hand in hand, but many times doesn't. I would suggest that the kind of play you describe is probably something you should not participate in before you come to terms with it. Otherwise expectations can be created that later turn into resentment.

[Scarlett1975]

I'm not gay but like the play you describe also. Sometimes it might make more sense if I were gay. I love girls, everything about them. For Me having my wife play the male role is a big turn on but if it was a man doing it I wouldn't find it fun at all. Not knowing your husband it's hard to say but many of us are not gay. I think in society being gay and cross dressing seems to make more sense but honestly in reality it's often not how it is

[michaelmichelle]

First let me say that in my opinion nothing he is doing means he is gay.
When I have the time to dress (which my wife enjoys as much as I do) it may or may not lead to sex. When it does there are times that a role reversal may occur. It's not always...just some times.
We have talked about it afterwards and have decided it's something that we both recognize at the time but like any intimate contact we let things go their natural course. It doesn't hurt anything and it's something we both enjoy. Does that make me gay? When I have zero interest in guys?
As always stated on here....
BE COMPLETELY HONEST AND OPEN WITH YOUR SO!
Again this is just my opinion!

[Newnew1819]

He was not really hiding them. They would pile up in the garage and then a week later there are 7 pair of pants and underwear out there bc he was changing into his dresses and panties.

- - - Updated - - -

I love that he trusted me to see him dressed. I even want to help him with his makeup. It's always a sexual thing for him when he dresses up. We both have high sex drives and I am turned on when he is submissive. I was just scared if he could hold that secret for years. What else is he holding back.

[Minnietheminx]

I think you are probably more worried about this due to the fact that your husband is dressing as a girl. There are many men out there that dont dress at all that love this kind of stimulation as it stimulates the prostate so to speak and gives a different feeling of arousal...just thee same as some GGs like it.....
I think as he is open with you about his dressing you just need to ask him what it is he likes about it. He may just like the fact that you are in control when he is dressed and it makes him feel more girly but not neccessarily that fact that he wants a real man there but you have to talk so that it doesnt lead to that as it can happen unfortunately where they do want to move on to feel the `real thing` so you need to ensure that you are upfront about things now from the start and if he does feel that way then maybe its best to stop that side of things in the bedroom ..however even that cant guarantee things hun as if he stops receiving it from you it could end up he wants to try anyway but then he may not even entertain the thought at all and you are just presuming!!....its a complicated one but talking is the best starting point xx

[Newnew1819]

Thank u so much. My husband swears he has 0 interest in men. I guess my mind wonders a lot bc he hid the cross dressing for so long.

[shellybme]

First of all, I think you are an amazing wife for supporting your husband. Before this site, I felt very alone in my crossdressing world. I can understand why he hid for so long because it is a hard thing to share especially if you do not know what the reaction is.

Second, his preferences have nothing to do with being gay. When you are gay you are only attracted to the same gender. He might have bi-tendencies and not be really bi. My wife asked the same thing when i told her i dress. I absolutely love my wife and am not attracted to anyone but her.

Hope this helps.

[Gillian Gigs]

The vast majority of CD'ers are straight, but that doesn't mean they are all vanilla! It sounds to me like he would fit into being a fetishistic CD'er, with some extra kinks on the side. You both need to sit down and talk this through, getting to the truth of it all. By this I mean that you have to be forth coming yourself as to where you are at in all of this. Sex is meant to be fun between a husband and wife, if you are both agreeable to something, then so what, it's nobodies business but your own! Who's on top, who wears what, who leads, who cares, as long as you are both mutually agreeable.

[Minnietheminx]

If he swears by that then you have to trust him. Its difficult as nobody probably even himself can predict how things may go as with anything in life if we enjoy it we like to explore more but for now i would enjoy what you have with him and stop worrying so much. At the end of the day if he is that way inclined then it would happen anyway weather or not you are being adventurous .You state that he says its more a kink thing so its probably that the dressing and the anal side is just a turn on for him sexually or the feel of certain fabrics he wears against him ..even the thought of two girls together he may like.it may not be as deep rooted to the point you think..but you need to talk hun x

[Newnew1819]

Thank u so much. You sound just like my husband. He never wants to be with anyone else. I guess I am just so scared of this new life.

- - - Updated - - -

Thank You. We will talk again about it all. I love him and he is my best friend. He means everything to me. I just need us on the up and up with each other . Also like u said . I gotta stop being a worry wort.

[Pat]

Just a note: I had to edit a few posts. I'm hoping I managed to keep the sense of what each person was trying to say. Please be sensitive to the fact that this is an open forum on an international site and keep your sexual references general.

[Teresa]

Newnew,
Some of the problem is having to conceal it from you has fed his need and it's out of control. He needs to sit down and talk it through with you or ask him to write his story down . A counsellor told me many years age that " No secret , No problem !" not strictly true but he doesn't know himself well enough and you are jumping to conclusions.

Having to hide part of your life is not easy , it really can screw you up mentally , why does he crossdress ,what do the clothes mean to him , is he gay and does he eventually wish to become a woman ?

Some of the behaviour will burn itself out naturally , the more open he is allowed to be the more of a balance he will achieve , maybe try and tone down the sexual aspect and see if his needs change . if you can accept him dressing around the home , give it a try , he may tire of it and cut it back himself .

To me DADT is counter-productive , to some it works but if you can avoid it and be open with each other the compromises may not be necessary

[Minnietheminx]

Don`t be scared of it just embrace it. He is still your lovely husband that loved you from the start just he likes to dress differently thats all.
Look at it as you get a nice softer side of him that will share all the girly things you love to talk about and do then you also get as you say the macho side of him that does all the manly things. If one starts to outweigh the other and you cant handle it then just speak to him as he may not realise and get a little carried away...I think personally you are very lucky and lucky that he has been honest with you which in itself is a really big thing as that shows me that he loves and trusts you so just do the same back xxx

[leannejacobs]

Your suspicions are unfounded, stop worrying about his sexuality, if as you say you've researched this you'll know that the majority of crossdressers are heterosexual, being bottom is my preference too, has been for many years, more to do with a bad back I used to suffer from, as for him still dressing behind your back, as nice as it is to be able to dress with your partner we have more needs than that, I'll sit quite comfortably with my wife while dressed but what I enjoy more is strutting my stuff about the house, multiple changes and posing in the mirror lol I know, sounds silly but that's the preference, your husband is probably similar, don't get upset about it, it's what he needs for his fix.
My dressing isn't sexual though I do enjoy getting intimate with my wife while dressed, I play it by ear and wait for her to instigate it, I wouldn't worry too much, I love my wife too, I have no desires to be with a man.

[Leelou]

Wow New, you're an incredible and accepting wife. Thanks for taking the time and effort to join this site and contributing.

As you've heard many times, most crossdressers are straight. I know it can sound like what we want to hear or believe when it comes from a straight crossdresser, but the "experts" have been saying that for as long as I can remember. I first learned a few basic truths about crossdressing from Ann Landers way back in the seventies. Someone would write in to Ann asking about crossdressing and what it meant. If you're familiar with Ann's work, she wasn't one to just fire from the hip when asked serious questions, so she'd consult the leading experts at the time. Even way back then, they all pretty much said the same thing. Most crossdressers are straight and do not want to live full time as female or transition. I also learned that crossdressing is an emotional need and OK. It really helped with my acceptance of who I was from a pretty early age to know that I was not alone.

Best wishes for you and your hubby! He's very fortunate to have you!

[Vickie_CDTV]

The fact he dresses does not make him gay. The fact he enjoys prostate stimulation does not make him gay (some straight/cis/gender conforming men also enjoy it.) If he is attracted to other men, that makes him gay (or bi.) If he only wants to be with you, he is straight.

He needs to stop lying. He is not helping his cause by lying to you.

[Judy-Somthing]

I've been dressing for fifty years and have never had any interest in men.
My wife hates it and says she'll leave me if I continue to dress, so I stopped eight months ago.
I'm pretty sure I'll most likely dress again.
It's been part of me my whole life.

[TheHiddenMe]

Thank u so much. My husband swears he has 0 interest in men. I guess my mind wonders a lot bc he hid the cross dressing for so long.

He hid it because he thought/sensed you wouldn't approve (in your opening post, you mention divorce because you thought he might be gay...so if he thought so, he had reasons to be concerned).

Most crossdressers are straight. Most gays are not crossdressers. If he is gay, then crossdressing is not the issue--it's being gay. But he is telling you he's not gay.

In our culture, most people (male or female) are conditioned not to disclose their kinks. As Dan Savage says, Australia got the convicts, Canada got the French, and the US got the Puritans. The US has a long history of religious affiliations, and most of them are predisposed to repress sexuality. So your husband has been conditioned to hide his kink--and if you spend time on this board, you will find your husband is another in a long list of crossdressers who hide from their spouses. For example, have you disclosed all of your kinks to your husband? Were you reluctant to do so?

As to being submissive, that could be or not related to the crossdressing. For me, the idea of dressing is a turn-on for me (not as much as when actually dressed). Also, for me the idea of being forced to dress is also a turn-on, because that eliminates the "guilt" of wanting to crossdress (along the lines of "I'm being forced to do it, so it's not my decision to do it"--even though I would love to do it). So part of the submissiveness may be that it assuages his guilt of crossdressing (or not).

You sound like an accepting spouse in love with her husband. He hid a significant part of himself because he was afraid of the negative consequences--of which, there appear to be none. Tell him that, that you are willing to help him with makeup, and pick out something for him to dress in, and see what he says and does. And then go from there.

[lingerieLiz]

The fact that he was hiding his CDing is quite common. Often it is because they think that they will be rejected if the wife/so finds out.

[greeneyes]

Newnew...Just relax! A lot of crossdressers are straight..my husband is, although, I understand that you are afraid of that. Try to take it one step at a time, communicate often and fully and encourage him to do that to. If you need to chat, when you have more than ten posts you can private message me.

[Tracii G]

CDing has nothing to do with sexual preference and just because a guy likes to wear womens clothes doesn't mean he is gay or dressing is going to make him gay.
That is a general misunderstood thing about CDing so its common for people to think that.
Most men that CD are straight and married and have children.
I must add that you are trying to be understanding which is awesome but he may not know why he does what he does and can't answer why he CD's.
Some guys have guilt associated with dressing so getting them to admit it is a huge thing.

[Kas]

I was just scared if he could hold that secret for years. What else is he holding back.

This is completely understandable, but you have to think of the reason why it took him so long to tell you.

Do you think he was proud of what he was doing? I doubt it... The thing is, as a straight guy (your husband), we are well aware of the negative stereotypes surrounding crossdressing in general society... I mean at some point earlier in our lives we have maybe even pointed out or made fun of a crossdressers ourselves because we were raised to think they are "weird". Do you think he wishes he could of told you the first day you met? I bet he did. I bet he'd been wanting to tell you the entire time. The reason he didn't? Is because of this exact situation. It is SCARY as hell coming out to a partner... I know for the females side it's all about honesty, telling the truth etc. But as far as your husband was concerned the issue for him would be basically a 50/50 chance of losing his wife. I know it sounds bad, but a lot of guys would rather take a risk and hide it than basically throw your marriage into the air. I know eventually many people get caught anyway, but this is their original mindset. I know this because I am a straight
crossdressers who's fiancé caught them red--handed about a month ago. Lucky for me she is accepting and it's not an issue.

As for the gay part, I assume you have at some point in your marriage made him aroused, so how could that even be an option? Could be bi AT MOST! Gay is a very strong term.

[cdsamswife]

I think what the others have stressed about in their replies are very accurate. Communication is crucial..and if you think you might need a neutral third party you could look in to a counselling session with or without your husband. From personal experience I know my husband got very defensive a lot of times but sometimes he wouldnt even realize that small things he was hiding was hurting me. It was just second nature for him to hide certain things and to dress in secret because he had done it for so many years beforehand. I would have to point out the specific things that were bothering me before he would talk about it.

Again like the others, I cant really comment on whether i think your husband is gay or not but I think liking certain sexual acts is completely normal for a straight man regardless if he is a CD or not. Maybe you can discuss with him what your concerns are.. do you think he wants to transition ever? Maybe you can discuss setting a boundary for you two if you ever become uncomfortable with having sex while he is dressed too often. All the best! The first couple months after you find out are difficult... You are being amazing already by being here and researching about it!

[LilSissyStevie]

When your husband tells you he is not attracted to men he is most likely telling the truth. That doesn't necessarily mean he is straight in the conventional sense. There is a phenomenon common among crossdressers that has been called psuedo-bisexuality. True bisexuals are attracted to both men and/or women. Psuedo-bisexual males are attracted to women and also to the idea of being a woman (or sometimes a gay bottom) sexually. The males or male parts in these fantasies are just placeholders that allow them to be a woman (or a fairy). Some will even have sex with men but are not attracted to them in any sense other than as sex objects used to actualize their own "femininity."

Don't make the mistake of thinking that the denizens of this forum are representative of typical crossdressers. This forum tends to attract those CDs with gender identity issues while for the vast majority of CDs it's a minor sexual kink - nothing they would bother joining a forum for. From your description, your husband sounds like a typical CD and I wouldn't assume there is more to it than that without more evidence. For some, like myself, it's a major sexual kink that is more like a sexual orientation and prevents one from having a "normal" sex life. I joined forums like this because I was ashamed of and baffled by my fetish and wanted to believe there was more to it, that there was some inner woman that was trying to express herself and that my strange sexual proclivities were the result of trying to repress her. But that was a delusion. Sometimes a fetish is just a fetish. It turns out that my gender identity issues were the result of attempts to sublimate my fetish.

This can work in a marriage. I've been married for nearly 23 years and we had a very active sex life until she reached menopause. Before that she had a much higher sex drive than I did. Now it's about the same. Although I crossdressed when I was younger, I didn't return to crossdressing until about four years into our marriage. I never hid it from her. I just announced one day that I wanted to try it. She was good with it. I don't think my CDing does anything for her but she likes it because it turns me on. Our sex life worked even before that because she likes being the top and I like being a bottom. For me female domination has always been my primary sexual orientation where feminization and other emasculating activities are adjunct. Where there is a will there is a way. Where there is no will there is always divorce.

[Pumped]

He is still hiding stuff which seems to me is a big issue. Talk to him more, tell him you know there is more going on and you need to know because you still have concerns. If you are willing to accept him let him know. Ask him why he still dresses at night, behind your back. Let him know it is ok to dress casually if he wants too.

My wife and I went through this some time ago. She was not accepting at first but came around on her own and now I am able to dress to some degree around her without any problems. I often dress in the evening and we sit and watch TV and relax, just like we did before.

It helps greatly that you are accepting, at least to some degree. Understand there is probably nothing going down behind your back, he is just uncomfortable and afraid to tell you all.

[Becky Blue]

There is no connection between dressing and sexual attraction. As many others have said, I have been dressing on and off for almost 40 years and have zero interest in guys.

[Maria_mtf]

You sound like you are being a wonderful wife, well done you. My only advice is keep up the communication about how he feels, in time things may progress, but they may not. When i first told my wife it was purely sexual for me, and now i honestly dont know. Im always turned on so maybe it is just sexual, who knows. I am also 100% straight and enjoy stimulation in any area, if u get me.

[amber457]

One thing to remember is for many guys we are not as emotionally mature as women, meaning we don't always understand or connect why exactly we feel a certain way. It takes time to reflect on why each of us dress and what each of us get out of the experience. We are more proned to live in the moment rather than have some long road map that we are following to get to a certain destination.

As others have stated, try to keep the communication open. Be ready to listen and not assume. On average a woman's brain is far more active than a man's brain and I can only imagine the thousands of different thoughts and possible negative scenarios that you have already played out in your mind. I understand the difficulty of this new discovery, but the upside is it has the possibility to have a deeper/closer relationship for you both.

Best of luck with your journey.

[Dressing up]

I sound like your husband. I have been married, but divorced now. The divorce had nothing to do with my dressing, she was quite accepting. We just grew apart, ironically, we are fairly close now that we are divorced, go figure. Anyway, I digress, the main point I am trying to tell you is that my ex had the same fears initially. I am now 52 and have never once had sex with a man. If I were inclined that way, I am sure by now I would have made it happen by now. I am sure you husband is similar mind set. I believe most crossdressers are straight. When I say crossdresser, I mean men who like to dress female, but want to stay a man. Most of us who simply crossdress are heterosexual.

All partners are going to have flaws and quirks, I used to tell my ex (we were married 18 years) that I could have worse flaws. I could be chasing young women, severe gambling, credit card addiction, substance abuser or whatever. But her only concern was that her husband might be frustrated because he can't find a polish that matches his heels! I was reliable and responsible for all the things I had to do in life, dressing was my down time. In that scheme of things, it is hardly a problem.

I hope you two can find a comfort zone that works for both of you. You probably should start to think about expectations and limits so you are ready when you do communicate. It sounds like you have a good man.

Best wishes

[jennifer0918]

You make no sense,so I'm going to take one step at a time,NO he is not gay!!!! So he bottoms with you?your husband is a crossdresser, I'm sure if you snooped around to find his girl stuff I'm sure you will find out if he is cheating on you with a man. You talk divorce, do it ,just do it,do it!!!!! Don't threaten him with divorce, in my case I know I can never stop crossdressing I have been doing this since I was 8 years old.
1.be a wife.
2.be a friend
3.keep an open mind.
P.S. HE IS NOT GAY

[Kas]

I agree Jennifer. I think it's crazy how someone can contemplate something as serious as divorce just because of the clothes somebody (supposedly the person they "love") wears or what they think feels nice in the sack. Not really fair IMO but whatevs.

[nameinuse]

I agree Jennifer. I think it's crazy how someone can contemplate something as serious as divorce just because of the clothes somebody (supposedly the person they "love") wears or what they think feels nice in the sack. Not really fair IMO but whatevs.

I don't think the divorce part was due to what he's wearing, but more to do with the lies and what was hidden.. It's the breach of trust and of course the "what else don't I know about"? The fact She's on here tell me it's not the clothing that is the issue

[Pat]

Kas -- I think nameinuse covers most of the underlying reasons. There is also a fear of being abandoned in the future if the person goes on to transition. Or fear of loss of prestige in the community. There are lots of scary things about finding out someone you thought you knew is not the person you thought they were. Of course, good communication mediates that, but many crossdressers are so steeped in a culture of hiding that establishing communications is hard for them.

[nameinuse]

No,no,no,no,I think the issue here from her thread is "is he GAY?"That's when the "threat"of divorce came up. I think she should listen more keep an open mind. Breach of trust??? Ok I don't know if this is true but I just know it's a fact,how could he breach her trust if he was always like this from birth. He is not hiding an STD or an affair just the cloths I like. I enjoy a nice macaroni with gravy veal scalopini and a nice glass of vino on a Sunday evening I never told my wife,so did I breach her trust?

I didn't mean any offence Jennifer :) but I'll be honest and say that was my first question when my SO told me. Reading up on things like this isn't something someone does out of boredom lol. It's a learning curve, and I can't imagine how I'd feel if I found out this side of him years down the road. Is he hurting her by lying.. well yeah! Some omissions are fine, this is not... this is an integral part of him that she learned the hard way. It's funny that my SO got a pretty offended by my asking if he liked men also, but it's a valid question! I still think once the shock wears off and the OP and her SO sit down and openly and honestly talk then they'll be fine. I'm learning to be ok with the cding aspect, but I would not be ok with finding out that he was bi and hid that from me out of shame or whatever

- - - Updated - - -


Kas -- I think nameinuse covers most of the underlying reasons. There is also a fear of being abandoned in the future if the person goes on to transition. Or fear of loss of prestige in the community. There are lots of scary things about finding out someone you thought you knew is not the person you thought they were. Of course, good communication mediates that, but many crossdressers are so steeped in a culture of hiding that establishing communications is hard for them.

very well put, thank you Pat! xo

[Maria_mtf]

I think everyone should remember a wife that comes on this site at all, let alone posts, is trying really hard to understand us. Mine hasnt done any research at all and has known for years. Please can we not scare her off as in my opinion some of the comments were unnecessary.

Jennifer, if you go out of you way to lie (My wife said not telling is lying) to your wife then I can see this as a good reason for divorce, unless you agreed in vows you would lie.

Often the first question we know gets asked when someone learns of a crossdresser is are you gay, its the norm, doesnt make it right or logical. Ironic that my research seems to suggest gay man generally arent attracted to crossdressers so its a poor way to attract one!

[ashley_addams76]

No,no,no,no,I think the issue here from her thread is "is he GAY?"That's when the "threat"of divorce came up. I think she should listen more keep an open mind. Breach of trust??? Ok I don't know if this is true but I just know it's a fact,how could he breach her trust if he was always like this from birth. He is not hiding an STD or an affair just the cloths I like. I enjoy a nice macaroni with gravy veal scalopini and a nice glass of vino on a Sunday evening I never told my wife,so did I breach her trust?

I don't think that is an apples to apples comparison. You won't be judged harshly by friends and community for liking a food. Crossdressing in many communities is still perceived as deviant behavior and will be judged by that. There are multiple considerations to being found out and how far this will go. I completely understand where this spouse is going because this is something that shouldn't reflect upon her, but ultimately will and that could affect status and livelihoods.

[Leelou]

I think everyone should remember a wife that comes on this site at all, let alone posts, is trying really hard to understand us. Mine hasnt done any research at all and has known for years. Please can we not scare her off as in my opinion some of the comments were unnecessary.



I agree Jon. Let's not scare her off with posts criticizing her. I think she's doing awesome so far. I really appreciate her posting this here and wouldn't want to see this thread locked.

[Kas]

Jennifer, if you go out of you way to lie (My wife said not telling is lying) to your wife then I can see this as a good reason for divorce, unless you agreed in vows you would lie.

This is the part i have an issue with and I think many others. Not voluntarily disclosing something is NOT the same as lying, despite what some say.

[Genni]

Most would agree that trust and communication are the foundation of any relationship. Your husband has not been honest with you in the past when confronted about his crossdressing. That is unfortunate and betrayed your trust. It is incredibly difficult for a "manly man" to admit a desire to express his feminine side, but that does not justify his dishonesty.

Only you can decide whether to trust that he is being honest going forward. However, many of us here, such as me, are completely straight and have absolutely no desire to be with a man whether we are all dolled up or not. His preference for being "bottom" does not mean he wants to be with a man either, butt I have less experience there :heehee:

[Maria_mtf]

This is the part i have an issue with and I think many others. Not voluntarily disclosing something is NOT the same as lying, despite what your wife tells you. Do you think she has disclosed to you every sexual fantasy she has ever had? Its called a secret. Everybody has them.

Hi kas. To be honest I didnt see it as lying either hence why I did it, however I guess it is perception combined with opinion, nothing is black and white. My wifes other main problem was lack of trust by hiding it, easy to understand why thats a dealbreaker. I always try to see things from someone elses pov even when I dont agree myself.

Lastly I have learned women are always right, which of course gets confusing when you present as one 😁

[Maria_mtf]

Hi Jennifer,
I have gone back and read some of your posts and my conclusion is that you are not a horrible person. You spend a lot of time complimenting others, very thoughtful.

I think we should agree to disagree on this one, secrets and marriage don't mix in my opinion. (I keep them because I am a wimp, wife doesnt know I spend and hour a day on her or shopping for clothes)

I'm going to leave this post for others to reply on the op now. Feel free to pm me if u want to chat.

[Leelou]

Exactly gay men are not attracted to cd's
Vows ok sickness and health check
For richer or poorer check
No affairs or no infidelity check
So where does crossdressing come into vows ?
Reflect on her??? How ? Ok I just don't agree.
Some things just have to be secrets to protect all that livelihoods status community family I'm sorry just me

Maybe I'm a horrible person sorry

How about came to her before the marriage, no check. You can defend the OP's hubby all you want. You can't check that one. And it's much bigger than those you listed.

And no, you're not horrible. You just have a different viewpoint than the OP and me about that issue.

[Rayleen]

Most CD's are heterosexuels and at first you're ashame to tell your partner because of guilt. For me, I was a long time together and with good communication, decided to tell her. I think if you are in a great loving relationship, and you treat her well, what else a woman want ?

If you are loyal, respectful and in a truthful relationship, it will last.

[Sherrii]

I like women. I like how they look, the clothes they get to wear, how they act. Crossdressing brings me closer to what I like. I still like women don't get me wrong. I have men friends, but i don't care much for having to look male. I just like women more and dressing to look like them and feel like them brings me closer to them as I said. Maybe your husband feels somewhat like this. He just likes women. Hope this helps a little. Sherrii

[TrishaLake]

IMO the hardest part is behind you, confirming what you both knew. I think if you love him, you will need to take your time and figure out what you are comfortable with and what his needs are. This takes time and perhaps some experimentation. If it really confuses you I would find a gender therapist as well. Both of these have helped my situation. If you do not love him, well you have your answer of course.

Marriage in itself is a long winding road...no matter what the issue. If you love each other you should find common ground and make your marriage stronger.

[leotard fan]

i am heterosexual. i love crossdress since i remenber that i exist. my GF knows, and support me.

[Rayleen]

Trisha , I'm with you on the last paragraph.....love and communication made my mariage stronger

[Stephanie43]

I hid my CD’ing for many years and I’ve been doing it since about age five. I’m 100% heterosexual and have been married to my beautiful wife for 21 years. I hid this from her until recently. I could not take it anymore. It made me nuts that she did not know since I was pretty much not being honest with her. For years I’ve wanted to tell her, but could never conger up the courage to do so. Well, it was the best thing I’ve ever done. It’s was hard to begin the conversation once I told her we needed to talk. However, as I began spilling my guts, the words just started flowing from my mouth. Long story short, my wife is excepting of my CD’ing as long as it’s in private, which I’m ok with.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi New New :hugs:, I have been in this program for 71yrs. and I am strait and as macho as the next guy.>Orchid...:daydreaming:...

[Kayliedaskope]

First of all, Newnew, welcome to the forums, and thank you for being interested (or concerned) enough to come and take the time to ask your questions to people who are on all stages of their own personal journeys. It shows that you are intelligent and willing to research before making a decision that will not only affect your life, but his own, as well.

Like many others have said, the desire to crossdress does not equal a desire to be gay. Even the fact that he likes to bottom while he's dressed is not an indicator of being gay - all it means is that he enjoys bottoming while dressed. (For that matter, so do I.). Only liking other men, as in ONLY interested in men, period, is the indicator of being gay. I would say he is either bi or bi-curious at this point.

Believe him if he says he doesn't know WHY he does it. This is extremely important. He is NOT lying to you when he says "I don't know." In our world, the world of cross dressing, this really is an acceptable answer that can't be neatly compartmentalized. Many of us have been dressing for years, and we STILL don't know why, only that it feels good and we like it.

If you look around the forums here, you will find many, many posts about this same kind of situation: wife/gf/SO discovers husband/bf/fiancé/etc is dressing in secret/finds stash of women's clothing/makeup, is concerned he is gay/wants to transition to be a woman, is scared/confused/hurt/mad as hell ..... and so on. On the flip side of that is OUR situation: men are men, women are women, men are supposed to be tough and manly ... you've heard this all before. But where does that leave us, the men who like feminine things, the ones who enjoy the feel of soft and pretty things, the ones who love women so much that we want to be like them on occasion? Society says it's wrong, it's abnormal, it's "deviant behavior", that we are freaks ... and so we are taught to be anything other than a man is not acceptable. So we hide in shame and self-doubt, we have our deep dark secrets hiding in the closet or in the garage or attic where we hope no one will look, we hide behind locked doors and shuttered windows because all our teachings have told us "this is not normal behavior." To find someone who accepts this part of us - because it IS a part of us, it isn't something you can just tear out and toss away - is like the Holy Grail for CD'ers.

Support him. Love him. Be patient with him, and most of all, try to understand him and his need to do this. We are all like precious faceted jewels ... by sharing this secret with you, you've discovered another previously unknown facet. He is the same man ... just now a more complete version of that man you fell in love with and married.

[dawn459]

NewNew1819: I am a straight crossdresser at age 70 I came out
To my wife in a motel wearing red
Matching gowns we had sexwithout our gowns but I was 40
And she was 33.My point is when he finally dressed for you and sex
Was preformed If wives &So would
Let( her /him) know that they want
TovRroleplay&shop with her/him
There might not be as much hiding
And dressing alone. Do it while no
Children are even thought about&
Make it fun.

[immike]

Dear Newnew1819-
My name is Michael(Michelle).I am also a closet crossdresser,still a macho,all around good looking guy.I just wanted to feel a womans soft,silky clothing against my skin.I had often looked at beautiful women wearing a mini skirt,beige pantyhose.a silky soft blouse&
wondered how it would look&feel on me.I,one day,snuck into my mothers closet,after she left for work&picked out one of her short dresses&I stepped into a pair of her heels&looked at myself in her mirror on the door.The feel of the silky soft dress sent chills through my body&suddenly growing taller&walking in heels became fun.I was very careful to put everything back,so I would not be found out.This progressed over many years&each morning I would spend time in mothers closet,trying on her outfits&we are about
the same size,so nothing was stretched out&she never confronted me,but I was able to secretly try on all her dresses,slacks,all her silky blouses&tops each day after she left for work.One day I lifted a fresh pkg of her 1000 pairs of pantyhose out of her drawer
and put them on&picked out a short mini skirt&one of her silky blouses&a pair of her black 4' heels&spent several hours dressed,in the house,practicing walking in heels&enjoying the chills&obvious huge erection.I live alone,own my home&keep a sizable
stash of womens clothing hidden,but I still live a man's life&dress to relax,when I lock the house&close the blinds.

[char GG]

Welcome to the forum Newnew1819,
Only your husband can answer the questions you have. Some of the members here are telling you how they feel, whether they are not gay, bi, or whatever but only YOUR husband can answer for him.

I understand that you were alarmed by the hiding and that should definitely be addressed. Having to find out piece by piece is not a good start.

So, make sure the lines of communication are kept open. Accept what you are comfortable with and talk about what you are not comfortable with.

I'm sure that many women who just find out about deceitful behavior have divorce cross their mind. Hopefully you are able to work things out together.

Hugs!

[Michelle1955]

My 2 cents, in my case there is no connection between dressing and sexual attraction. I have been married 38 years, and been dressing on and off for almost 56 years and have zero interest in guys.

[LelaK]

I guess there are manly and unmanly ways to be a bottom. I enjoyed the idea of having my GF on top of me, but not with my legs open and her between them. I think that would be the unmanly way. I occasionally asked her if she'd like to lay on top of me, but I think she only did it once. Maybe it was because she thought I was acting gay. Nope. I wasn't. She didn't like me to crossdress, so I never did it when we were a couple. I'm not really interested in being manly. I'd rather look womanly, but not "act" so. I used to think I'd like to be a real woman, but now I'd rather be a woman with an appendage. Being a real woman would be my second choice.

What will Newnew and other S.O.'s do if their CD's start growing breasts? I found out there's an herb that supposedly helps guys do that, so recently I obtained a bottle of capsules of it and am now getting the foundations for breasts. I started taking them, one a day, about 2 weeks ago and I can definitely feel a lot of flab, but my chest still looks male. I think I'll quit as soon as they just start to look kind of female, because I don't want my family to see them. If I get an accepting GF, I think I'll probably go ahead and grow them bigger. I enjoy feeling them, but they're not as sensual as I'd like. I read online recently some young woman said men should grow breasts so they would be more caring instead of macho. I don't know if that would really happen, but I think it would improve men's appearances.

[Isabella Ross]

Chiming in with my two cents worth. In complete agreement with most of the posters in this thread: crossdressing or transgenderism is a completely different thing than sexuality. Your husband is most certainly not gay. But he may not be a completely straight arrow either. The question is, is there anything really wrong with that? I can't help but notice that so many people speak of being gay (or being anything other than entirely heterosexual) as if it's some kind of curse, and are so quick to offer assurances such as, "I'm 100 percent heterosexual!" There is often an implied bias against being gay here. Why so puritanical? And really, is there any such thing as a human being that is 100 percent heterosexual? I think there are sliding scales for both gender and sexuality, with every human being occupying some point on each...which are rarely at the polar ends. At this point in time, unlike past points in history and hopefully the future, we are way too hung up on sexuality. My own sexual preference is women, and masculinity does nothing for me, but I'll confess to occasionally daydreaming about being with someone similar to me -- that is, a CD or a feminine man. Why should that be such a big deal? And yes, I've been honest about this with my wife...who gets it. But she also gets that it's a fantasy, and because I'm in love with her and we have commitments to each other, it's not something I would actively pursue. I think many people on this forum, if they were to be honest with themselves, might have similar experiences and thoughts. And if so, it's OK!

[Babbs]

Well said Isabella...Sometimes the attitude of some here seems to be "I'm a crossdresser....but at least I'm not gay" I understand a wife's concern but the rest of us ought to chill on that. If you are somewhere on the sexuality spectrum that is not at an extreme end then so be it....it makes you no better or worse than anybody else.

[DaisyLawrence]

Please read Isabella's reply as she seems to have written mine for me, word perfect! Thank you Isabella.

Daisy x

[Mykaa]

Sounds like he & I are very similar in many ways, I cant answer for him as Im not him, sounds to me as this is a fetish, I thought a long time why I do what I do. I dont think many people would know what I do, Im a typical guy in most ways, not gay, I do like girls and yes what they wear. I know something thats been swimming around in my head recently is yes men/women are different, but I do think in many ways we are similar, the need for Love for example, maybe he would like you to treat him as you would want from him? The burden of shame & guilt with this can be very heavy and detrimental to someone who does this type of thing I can tell you Newnew, I have an ex now because I was found out & she couldnt understand me, honestly I couldnt understand me when I was found out even tho Ive been this way all my life. We have 2 kids and I have a very bad situation. Newnew coming here is a big step for you, seeking understanding can be hard. You know nothing great comes easy, if it was easy we'd all have the best of everything. I ask whats wrong with a guy being feminine, if he loves you & your willing to accept this part of him, Im not saying it'd be easy but even tho different isnt always your definition of what something should be, is it all that bad or wrong? Talking this out wont be easy, maybe even counseling will be needed, you'll learn things Im sure you wont want to know and it wont be easy for him either, I know this isnt fair as many here know the negative outcome of this type thing, I'll also add to that as it doesnt always end negative either, I have a few friends here some having met in person who have survived this as a couple, man/wife and yes they live a different lifestyle now but they have made it thru and still love each other, This will take time, a lot of patience and understanding. Im also open to more types of discussion if need be. I hope my insight to me helps you. Hope today is better.

[CONSUELO]

Dear NewNew1819,

First welcome to this site. If you are patient you will find a lot of resources here that will help you understand your situation. If you can I would suggest that you find a good counsellor. one who has helped cross dressers in the past and is experienced. Your husband needs help to understand his feelings and his needs and a good counsellor should help him "unload" as it were. I think his hiding and his anger may have to do with some feelings of embarrassment. Whatever the cause he needs to open up and try to understand himself. Then you can work out an accomodation that will work for the both of you.
You seem to be acting very patiently and being very strong in this situation. I wish you every best wish and hope that your husband will be able to open up and talk and explore and finally understand his own feelings.

[Helen_Highwater]

NewNew,

As a wife discovering her man's dressing by chance as it were you're not alone. That happens all the time if you read here for long enough. As for why it stays hidden, well for a great many, as it's been alluded to in other reply's, we live in a society that up until a decade or so ago portrayed Gays and Transvestites (that was the commonly used term) as figures to be made fun of, caricatured. There was a huge stigma associated with being labelled with either of those descriptions. While the LGBT movement has made great inroads by way of altering public perception those dark days still echo loudly with many.

Coming out is a traumatic thing to do. If it goes badly, i.e. divorce then so much that we've invested in, partner, home, possible loss of friendships, even shunned by family members, all this is at stake. Do not for one moment underestimate the feelings of guilt and shame many CD'ers carry. That stigma sits heavy with many and is possibly one of the biggest hurdles many CD'ers have to overcome.

As for the Gay thing. I have no empirical scientific evidence for this but my feeling is Gay CD'ers make up the same sort of proportion of the CD'ing community as Gays do in the general population. It is totally wrong however to make the link as many in the general population do that to be a CD'er you're by default gay. Not true, one of those big misconceptions. Just consider your own responses. Totally natural but your mind raced to the worst case scenario. Your man's worst fears were coming true right there in front of him. Don't feel guilty in doing that, as I said it's natural, we all tend to think the worst when suddenly confronted with situations utterly foreign to us.

My take on this is you've reach a stage were you can keep taking it through and over time between you you'll find an understanding and be in a more comfortable place. Stay calm and carry on.

[Kayliedaskope]

Is he gay? The correct answer is:
A) yes,
B) no,
C) maybe, or
D) all of the above.

No one ever said understanding why we do what we do when dressed was easy.

[CDPheobe]

Hello new new. Welcome to these forums. I can relate in a lot of ways but I can also bank on your CDing significant is straight as an arrow. Dont worry. With all you wrote, yeah hes not gay at all. Just has a hard time expressing himself to you. Listen very careful to him. Hold him and love him unconditionally. Hear what he is saying and things will be just fine.

[Devi SM]

Hi New New,
I'm bisexual and I don't know what was first the egg or the hem.
We'd been married for 39 years, three married boys, one grandson.
From a south american very homophobic country.
I came out to my wife two years ago because I love her and I couldn't keep living lying her every time I went out to a motel to dress and sometimes meet guys.
Of course the bisexuality was the issue and we agreed to never go with guys again and I'd be faithful to that.
If your husband is bottom makes me think things but that is my viewpoint as a bisexual guy.
I never thought that being with another man was cheating my wife because, for my mind, is something different.
Today we have very open sexuality, the road hasn't been easy but my advice is be open and love him but you have the right to ask for the same as someone already said here:

"Only your husband can answer the questions you have. Some of the members here are telling you how they feel, whether they are not gay, bi, or whatever but only YOUR husband can answer for him."

Each experience is different and not by my experience or opinion you can think your husband is gay or bisexual, neither because many here say and firmly hold they don't have interest in men, means that your husband doesn't have interest in men. So ask him to be honest but always based in the concept of you guys get married to live a LIFE forever together with the ups and downs, in richness and poorness, so why even think about divorce?
The divorce should be the result that the purpose in life just changed, no love, no respect, etc, but if you love him, if you believe he loves you, sex is great and add a new dimension that you like it, go for it but keep the sincerity and honesty, after all y he/she enjoys sex with you the guy es not homosexual.
Just read some books about transgenders, transsexual, go to therapy and keep your life...There are a lot of good books that we can recommend you so you guys can read together and may be he will identify with some of them, will learn more and be informed, knowledge kick fears out...

[Ashleyrobyn831]

As a transgender woman married to a woman, I encountered something similar with my wife early on--she was fully supportive of me being my true self, but she did go through a couple of phases when she would fear that I would eventually leave her for a man. In her case it was rooted in the worry that once I got more fully accustomed to life as a woman that I'd somehow feel it was what I was supposed to do, even though she knew I loved her and I obviously wasn't beholden to convention. All it took to get past it was a little time and patience, allowing her to naturally develop the assurance it wouldn't happen. I think in your case, odds are that the same will be true and in time you'll grow more confident with each month your fears aren't realized.
But I don't fault you in the least for those fears; I tell people all the time when they're embarking on new relationships to get their dressing or what have you out on the table right away, for exactly that reason. The longer you hide it, the more natural it is for your partner to wonder what else you've been hiding, and it can so easily poison what might otherwise have been a beautiful relationship, and fear of how your partner will react is no justification for lying to them.
I think it's admirable that you've sought to be supportive despite the feelings of fear and betrayal from his hiding things from you, and while I don't condone his deceit I think if you continue to keep the dialogue open and keep showing him he doesn't have reason to hide from you, over time he'll show you you don't need to fear him hurting you that way, and the whole experience may just strengthen and down your relationship in surprising ways.

[Cherylgyno]

There isn't an exact answer. Female clothes were a fetish for me during puberty but not before or after.
I have large breasts due to gynecomastia from meds. I love my D cup breasts. I am a straight male with breasts.
A therapist might help but if he isn't honest with you he won't be honest with a therapist.
I sincerely wish you the best. Please keep us informed.

[nikkiwindsor]

I'm like Shelly. My wife knows about my feminine side and she's supportive...like being ok with it. She's my only love and I'm immeasurably attracted to her and no one else...I've been dressing up and expressing my womanly side for years and years and I'm not gay. To say I'm complicated is an understatement. I value and appreciate my uniqueness! I hope you and your husband grow in your love and understanding for each other. I can honestly say that my feminine side has brought my wife and I closer together...only she knows about all of me and knowing that she loves me unconditionally for who i really am brings me much joy and peace! Nikki p.s. I hid my feminine nature from my wife for years even though I shared how I felt when we became engaged. I didn't want to hide things from her. But, I was ashamed and so scared that I'd lose her if she knew I was dressing up.

[ReineD]

My main concern is is he gay? He swears he is not but why does he like being a bottom and 2nd why does he still dress every night behind my back.

People tend to think of sexual attraction as either being gay or straight, which basically means getting off on being with another person, either same sex or opposite sex. But, there are other orientations. There are people who are more into fantasy scenarios than being with other people. Think of people who get off on, if not downright need in order to get off, one or several of the many practices of BDSM (bondage, or whipping, or being humiliated, etc), or any flavor of porn, or any number of the fetishes (feet, adult babies, feathers, the list is expansive). Some people who are into alternative things (they get off on things or situations that are outside of strictly being with another person) can have a great deal of fun if someone else participates in their particular preference, but some others don’t need anyone else at all. They are most gratified being alone with their fantasies having solo sex.

Read any book on sexual behavior and you will see there is a wide range of things that can get people off. The trick to a good sex life is to find a partner who gets off on things that compliment what you want. For example, a top with a bottom will feel more gratified more of the time than two tops or two bottoms together, who would have to take turns taking on the preferred role. Or, someone who likes to be spanked would be much happier with someone who likes to spank, as opposed to being with someone who hates it or feels neutral about it. If you can feel excited about your husband’s CDing, then you’ll both be satisfied.

So no, your husband isn’t into men just because he gets off on dressing. There are gay CDers just as there are gay non-CDers, but most CDers are hetero. Your husband gets off on imagining himself as a woman sexually. We’ve had many threads about members fantasizing about being with men, but this type of fantasy is more a counterpoint to the thrill of imagining oneself as a woman (that’s what gets them off), rather than any concrete attraction to any particular man.



When he is dressed as a girl he doesn't act any different . He doesn't have a girl name he just says it's a sexual thing. I am not sure. What should I do. Some days I think of divorce bc I am not sure if he is wanting to sleep with men. Since he likes to be a bottom at times. I am so lost.

The two of you should share your fantasies and see if you can find a complimentary ground. By this I mean enacting scenarios that excite both of you.

[Randi49]

Dear NewNew: If you read 7 habits of highly effective people there is story in the appendix about he and his wife going to the beach each afternoon while he worked on his doctorate. During that time they became closer than ever and opened up about things that made them what they were. To open your soul is the most intimate thing. To deny that builds a wall between you. I am getting ready to retire and be 24/7 with my wife, who I adore. She has known from the time we were courting that I am gender dysphoric. I don't just want to dress, i want to BE you. I just limit it. Others are right we are all different. I opened up with how i was feeling last month and that i would need to dress sometimes and asking if i could be more open instead of doing it only when she was gone. She started crying and said I wanted to be her girlfriend. I probably do, but that can't happen. In reality most ladies envy my wife the kind of attentive husband she has. It became clear that i couldn't share that side of my soul with her, something God made me because it was useful to Him. I can't change that. We have the most wonderful marriage that now has a wall, secrets, and unfufilled dreams behind it. Yes you're right your husband is a mocho man, he really is. So much so that the pendelumn swimgs all the way around and he wants to know what the other side feels across the gender gap. You have the most marvalous opportunity to have an intimacy few know. I will never have that. I will have to get my jollies elsewhere. I am here because I have no one else to talk to. That could have been my sweetheart.
Do I want to be made love to by a man? Unlike most here, Yes I do, but not as a man, as a woman, wife, and mother. To have children and a husband. That can never happen. So I live with what can be, dressing. Having sex with a man would violate both my covenants with her and my faith. That will never happen. I live through my wife. I play with toys as a bottom. It has changed how I make love, to her, because I know better how it feels for her. He probably just wants to know what you are experiencing. Ever see the movie What Women Want? It might be pretty good for a lady like you who loves your intimacy to have a guy who can be both a mocho man and wants to get into your head, to know what you feel and think.
I wish you luck, I think you are both on the crest of a wave that can lead to the most wonderful marriage of hearts and minds, or you can screw it up building barriers.

[Happygirl!]

ReineD,
Wow, I think you really nailed it. Especially the part about some CDs fantasizing about having sex with a man. Of course we occupy the whole spectrum of sexuality from gay, bi, hetero. And as you say, most CDs are hetero, so the fantasy is probably more driven by acting out the feminine role than the desire for same sex.
Happygirl

[Stephanie47]

I'm late to the thread. I can only say for a man to reveal and discuss a desire to wear women's clothing is probably the most difficult subject to discuss with a wife. This activity is so far outside the thinking of a wife when she is confronted with it the world seems to cave in. My wife and I are in a DADT relationship on this subject since the early 1980's. We had "The Talk" which is essential. Further, there should be on going discussions about it. My wife has chosen to totally ignore this side of me. No snide comments about me specifically or anything in general. It leaves me wondering what she is thinking. Her biggest issue was not having a person to confide in on this issue. Sort of the guilt by association thing society has. Maybe she and other women are afraid people would say "What's wrong with her? Why doesn't she divorce her husband?" If a woman is concerned about the activities or fidelity of her husband there are usually tell tale signs she has mentally decided to ignore. Everyone has fantasies. The issue is whether or not someone acts upon them. If a woman has a fantasy about a relationship with a woman that does not make her a lesbian. If she has a fantasy about a relationship with another man that does not make her an adulteress. There has to be some trust in a marriage or it will become a hell for both spouses.